03x24 - Pregnant Pause

[bunniefuu]

(Arthur) I'm in here.

Dad, it's the middle
of the night.

What are you doin' up?

I didn't realize
I had a curfew.

I-I'm sorry.
I just, uh,

I need to get something.

Tell me what it is,

and I'll slide it
under the door.

Yeah. Won't work.

Um, are you gonna be long?

♪[New age music playing]

Could be a few minutes!

♪ My eyes are gettin' weary ♪

♪ my back is gettin' tight

♪ I'm sittin' here
in traffic ♪

♪ on the queensboro bridge
tonight ♪

♪ but I don't care,
'cause all I want to do ♪

♪ is cash my check
and drive right home to you ♪

♪ 'cause, baby, all my life

♪ I will be drivin'
home to you ♪

Gimme somethin' to punch.

What? What's wrong?
Gimme somethin' to punch now!

Not a friend.

All right,
don't b*at up our groceries.

Just tell me what's wrong.

Your father's what's wrong. I'm
tryin' to get ready for work,

I can't even get
in the bathroom.

He spends
the whole day in there,

like he's at six flags.

Doug, he's old.

His machinery just takes

a little longer to rev up,
that's all.

That's not all.
He's in there messin' around

with a stupid foot massager
for half an hour.

For your information,
it was a waterpik.

Forgive me for not being
a bigger fan of gum disease.

Fine, it was a waterpik.
My mistake.

Oh, and by the way, one time, try
not aiming it at the mirror.

It might work out for you.
Give her a sh*t.

Well, I'd probably do better

if someone wasn't
banging on the door,

spewing hateful invectives
at me.

(Carrie) All right, dad.

Stop taunting Doug
with words he doesn't know.

Now, both of you count to ,
let me get out the door,

and you can
start your slap fight.

Sure, you can
run out the door,

but you can't run away

from your responsibility
in this matter.

Me? What did I do?

When you insisted
I come live here with you,

you specifically promised me

a furnished room
with private bath.

I never said that.

You said it with your eyes.

Doug, can we just build
a bathroom downstairs for him?

What? No!

Why not? It's not like
he doesn't need it.

He doesn't need it. One
bathroom is fine for this house

if he didn't nap in there.

I don't plan them.

So who's gonna
pay for this, Carrie?

Well, we can dip
into our savings.

I betcha we do the whole thing
for less than $ , .

Oh, just a thou?

Oh, well, in that case--
no.

Oh, I'm sorry, Douglas.

Were you saving that money

for yet another
-foot television set?

What I save my money for,
is none of your business.

Fine, but bear in mind,

my bladder has me up
or times a night,

and that laundry sink
down there

is starting to look
awfully good to me.

And checkmate! Dad wins!

Goodbye and goodbye.

[Knocking on door]

(Deacon) Yeah, come on in.

Hey, come on, man.
Let's get goin', huh?

What's up with you?

I had a crappy morning.

I gotta shell out $ ,

to build a bathroom
for Arthur. You believe that?

You never built him
a bathroom?

That's cold.

Anyway, it kills me
the way he manipulates Carrie.

He knows what he's doin'.

"Oh, I'm old.

I have different smells."

Well, he is pretty old.

I'm so not into you today.

Listen, don't take it
out on me, man.

I'm not havin'
such a great day myself.

Yeah? What's up?

I went out to marriage counseling
with Kelly last night,

and--and it went
pretty well.

So we decided to
go out to dinner after,

you know,
to keep talking, right?

So?

So,

so he gets all bent
out of shape just because--

he has a name, thank you.

And perhaps Doug would like

to hear both sides
of the story, hmm?

Not that much, no.

Just let it go, all right?

Oh, me?
I should let it go?

Um, was I the one that said,

"I'll be home at : .
Order a pizza." Was that me?

I'm tryin' to reconcile
with my wife, man.

Fine. This is a telephone,

and it was invented so that
people could call other people,

and tell them
not to order a pizza

they have no intention
of eating.

It's a pizza.

Just get my half out of the
fridge, I'll pay you for it.

Forget it.

No, come on, here.
I wanna end this.

Take this, and give me the
rest of the pizza. Come on.

Come on. Come on. Come on.

I ate it, all right?

In a fit of self-loathing,

I wolfed down an entire large
pizza by myself,

and you just made me admit it
in front of Doug!

Thank you!

[Door slamming]

You all set?
Yeah.

And after I finish
with the framing,

I put up half-inch greenboard.
That's very good.

Half-inch greenboard, huh?
Is that the cheapest you have?

Well, no. There is
quarter-inch. You want that?

You know what?
That'll be fine.

Quarter-inch?
That's not very thick.

So?

What if you get mad at me,

and try to punch your way in?
I wanna feel secure in there.

Quarter-inch.

I want half-inch.

You don't need
half-inch.

I do need half-inch.

H-h-how about three-eights?

Can I have four-eights?

Three-eights will be fine.

If you're looking to
save some money elsewhere,

I can get for you a deal
on the toilet.

Whoa! Whoa, there, trotsky.
I already picked out

what I want
in that department.

King of prussia

in pacific blue or sandstone.

Arthur, this toilet is $ !

It's ergonomically correct.

I'm not paying $
for a toilet!

Fine!

Why don't we just
dig a hole in the ground,

line it with newspapers?

Or is a nickel still too much?

Carrie!

You got to go down and talk
to your father right now.

I'll talk to him later.

No, later's too late.
I gotta get to work,

and he's outta control
on this bathroom thing.

It took me minutes to explain
to him why he can't have a view.

I'll deal with it later.
I don't feel well.

What's the matter?

I don't know.
My--my stomach's weird.

You think it's that crab taco
you had at the drive-thru?

You had that.

You had a bite.

No. You wouldn't
give me one.

They're not that big.

Whatever!
It's not from that!

I gotta go.
I am so late.

Just talk to your dad
when you can, ok?

And take
some pepto-bismol.

It's not that kind of thing.

Then what is it?

I don't know!

Ok! Goodbye!

[Sighing]

What the hell is it?

Oh, wait a minute.
Wait, wait, wait.

I forgot to put my thingy in.
I'll be right back, ok?

All right.
I'll get started.

You work your way in,
like double-Dutch.

(Arthur) I'm in here!

[Knocking on door]

(Arthur) Carrie!

Uh, yeah, dad?

If you've got a moment,

I'd like your thoughts
on some wallpaper samples.

Uh, I'll be out in a minute.

The contractor likes
the striped pattern,

but I'm leaning toward
the seagulls.

They're a marvelous bird,
don't you think?

Uh, dad, I just--
I just need a minute.

Righto.

I'll wait downstairs
with the contractor.

Oh, boy.

[Whistling]

So, where are you from
exactly?

I was born in Kiev.

Ah, yes! Kiev.
Jewel of the Ukraine.

You have been there?

No. But I hear good things.

Oh, darling, good. Here's
a rd wallpaper choice

I'm also considering.

Lively cartoons of various
people in the John.

What do you think?

Uh, it's--it's fine.

I'm sensing some hesitation.

Too Randy?

Think it might cause a stir?

I-I'm sorry, dad,

I really can't focus
on that right now.

Alex, I think we might have to put
a pin in this till next time.

Ok. I'll see you tomorrow.

Hmm!

Look at this drunken fella.

[Door closing]

Doesn't even realize
the lid's down.

Marvelous!

I'm--I'm pregnant.

Hmm?

I'm sorry, dear.
What?

I'm...

I'm,

I'm pregnant, dad.

Well, that's terrific!

No. No, it's not terrific.

We weren't-- we weren't
trying for this now, dad.

We just--
we just got careless.

So what, darling?

Nature works
in its own wonderful way.

This has nothing to do
with nature.

I couldn't get in the bathroom
and get what I needed,

because you were locked in
there listening to Enya!

Well, I offered to slip your
doohickey under the door.

Yeah, well, I didn't want
you to touch my doohickey.

Ok?

But that's not the point.

The point is we're not
prepared for this, dad.

We barely have
enough money in the bank

to--to build you
your bathroom.

A kid is like bathrooms!

And that's if we don't
let it go to college!

[Exclaims]

Darling, many years ago,

I anticipated
that this day would come,

so I put together a plan
that would help you kids out

with your financial needs.

You did?
Yes.

Looking back,

I wish I had followed through
on that plan.

But in my defense,

the dog races
are terribly fixed.

Dad, you know what?

It's not your responsibility.

Doug and I made a dumb
mistake, and now...

Well, I don't even know
what now.

I'll tell you one thing.

You got to talk to Douglas
right away.

I can't. I have to go to work.

Work, schmerk!
This is your life!

You need to hold each other.

Dad, my boss has a huge
deposition today which starts in

less than an hour.
I got to go.

I will tell him when I get
home from work tonight,

and don't you tell him
if he gets home first, ok?

Fine, whatever.

Dad, this is
a personal matter, ok?

I need you to
look me in the eye

and swear on mom's grave,
that you won't tell him.

Pick a different grave.
How about aunt lottie?

Dad!

Fine. I won't tell him.

Thank you.
I love you.

Love you, too, sweetheart.

Ok, kids, last time I checked,

packages don't
deliver themselves.

Chop, chop.

All right, I'm outta here.

Where do you want
to meet for lunch?

Anywhere as long as it's
a castle and it's white.

: ?

See you then.

[Door closes]

Hello, Douglas!

Arthur,
what are you doing here?

Ah, nothing special.

I may be sending
a package soon,

and I wanted your outfit to get
first cr*ck at the business.

So far, I like what I see.

Ok, once again,
what are you doin' here?

Is this about
your stupid bathroom?

Not at all.

But, hey, since fate
has thrown us together,

what say we pop into the city
and see Carrie?

Come on. Road trip!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Is Carrie ok?

She's fine, she's fine.

But I do think you should
speak to her immediately.

There's a bit of a situation.

Well, what is it?

I am forbidden to tell.

Would you just tell me?

I'm forbidden!

Heffernan.

That thing I said before,

that was just
chummy boss talk,

but the fact is packages really
don't deliver themselves.

I'm sorry, Mr. O'Boyle. It's just
that I have a little family crisis.

More of a situation actually.

A situation, right.
What is it?

I don't know.
He won't tell me.

I've been forbidden.

Who are you?

A concerned citizen.

He's my father-in-law.
Is it ok if I go into the city

and talk to my wife?

What? Oh, come on, Heffernan.

I mean, I got wife problems
as well.

You don't see me
runnin' outta here

just 'cause she took the kids
back to India.

Sir, the man has a legitimate
situation to deal with at once.

Well, what the hell is it?

Come here.

[Whispering]

Really?
Well, that's terrific.

(Arthur)
Wait. There's more.

Ohh!

That's a shame.

All right, Heffernan,
you can go.

Come on!

What is it?

I'm forbidden!

(Berenson) Now, Mr.
Mazzeo, in your testimony

before the securities
and exchange commission,

you specifically mentioned
that you had no knowledge

of the pending merger.

And you signed an affidavit
to that effect as well.

Could I see that, please,
Carrie?

Carrie?

Hmm? I'm sorry.
What?

Could I please see Mr.
Mazzeo's affidavit, please?

Oh. Sure, you can. Ok.

[Muttering]

There you go.

Thank you.
You're welcome.

Now, Mr. mazzeo, if I can
refer you to page ,

specifically paragraph ...

Oh, god, would you look
at this gas bill?

Can we put this
on a credit card?

We could if it hadn't been
scissored in half at McDonalds.

What about all these
frequent flyer miles?

Can we use them for anything?

Yeah, that's a minus sign.

We owe them miles.

[Crashing]

Could you deal with that,
please?

Your turn!

[Wailing]

(Carrie) Doug junior...

Oh!

Oh, ok...

Oh, that's not good.

Sweetie, no, no--

[screaming]

There we go. There we go.
There we go.

Ooh! No, no,
that's mama's. Mama's.

No, mama's sad, mama's sad.

[Babbling]

No, no, no.
No, no, no.

Dougie, sweetie, sweetie, be
careful-- you gotta be careful--

play nice. No, no, no.

Wait. No, no. I need that.
Neat, please. Mama.

Yeah, ok, baby.

[Groaning]
Oh, ok. All right.

It's ok, it's ok.

[Continues groaning]

Doug junior,
it's time to go home.

Come on, sweetie.
We have to leave now.

Hey, Dougie,
you want some ice cream?

Yeah! Yes, come on.
Come on, baby.

Come on.
Yes, yes, come on.

Come on, baby. Yeah!

(Carrie)
Yes-- oops!

Honey, it's ok.

Honey, it's ok.
Ice cream. Ice cream!

Yeah! Yeah!

Come get it, baby.

Honey, slow--
you gotta slow down, baby.

Baby, you gotta slow down.
Yeah.

Slow, slow, slow.

Ooh!

(Berenson) Carrie! Hmm? Oh!

Can I see the transcript, please?
Oh, sure.

I'm sorry.

Yeah. Now, Mr. mazzeo,

on the th of August, you...

Uh, excuse me one moment,
please.

What's going on?

Hi, I'm, uh, Carrie's husband.

Any chance I could
speak to her for a moment?

We're in the middle of a deposition.
Can it wait?

I'm pretty sure it can't,

but I'm not positive.

I don't understand.

It's a very sensitive matter

he's not privy to
at the moment.

You see...

Come here. Will you
stop telling people!

Look, tell me!

I'm forbidden.

Doug? Dad?

Here's your husband.
Now talk to him.

I'll be waiting in there.

What the hell is going on?
He won't tell me anything.

Dad, why did you bring him
down here?

I am working.

This is more important.
Now tell him!

Doug, I--I--I really can't
talk right now.

The thing is, um,
I'm pregnant.

And I'm terrified
we're gonna be broke,

and I love you,
and we'll talk at home.

So, in the mood for a knish?

They asleep?

Finally. Kirby put up
a helluva fight, though.

Had to read him
everyone poops times.

God, he's obsessed
with that book.

I think I know it
by heart now.

It's a good book, though.

I actually never realized
that everyone poops.

Yeah, well, the title
does give it away.

Uh, anyway, I guess I should,
uh, head on back to Spence's.

Sure. Ok.

So, I'll, uh, I'll, uh,

see you at counseling
on Thursday, right?

Right.

Right.

All right.

Deacon...

Yeah?

Look, I have half a lasagna
from yesterday.

I could heat it up
if you haven't already eaten.

[Ringing]

Hello?

Hey, man, it's me.

Oh, hey. Where are you?

I'm at home and I'm just gonna
hang out here for dinner, ok?

No problemo.

Probably be home about : .

I'll see you then.

And, hey,
thanks for the phone call.

Not so hard, was it?

You're right, you're right.
My bad.

Listen, have a good dinner.

I'll catch you later,
buddy boy.

I'm not ready.
I'm not ready.

I am so not ready.

All right, come on,
will you just calm down.

Doug, this is not a situation
that calls for calming down, ok?

As a matter of fact,
why don't you calm up?

Ok, there's no such thing.

You can only calm
in one direction.

Well, then maybe
they should change that.

Why are you so upset?

We wanted to have a baby
eventually, right?

Yes, eventually, Doug.
Not today.

It's like being offered
a job on Monday,

but you have to start it
on Tuesday.

"Congratulations, you're
our new pregnant person!

See you at A.M.!"

And I can't even tell them
that I don't want the job

because I've already
been fired from my old job

as a not-pregnant person.

I'm not even allowed
near the building!

Ok, will you stop
straightening up for a second?

I can't!
We're having a baby!

Yeah, well,
he's not dropping by tonight.

[Sighing] Now, listen to me.

What?

Everything is gonna be fine.

But you have to stop worrying.

How can I stop worrying, Doug?

We're--we're broke,
we're unprepared,

and I drop things.

You know your--
you know your jets mug?

That wasn't my dad.
That was me.

Will you just listen to me?

From this moment

until the moment
Bruce is born--

Bruce?

For Springsteen, you know?

No. But go on.

Until the moment he is born,

all the burden is on me.

Ok, I'm gonna work overtime,
I'll get a job at night,

we'll sock away
a lot of money.

And if anything comes up,
I'll take care of it.

Anything.

Well, what do I do?

You just think happy thoughts

and--and grow a baby.
That's your only job.

Not counting your regular job.
We need that.

I'll try.

But I'm gonna freak out,
Doug, sometimes.

I can't help that.

So then you freak out.
But then you call me, ok?

'Cause I'm always
wearing my phone, huh?

Oh.

Other side.
It's on the other side.

[Sighing]

Look, it'll ring.
I'll find it. Trust me.

[Sighing]
Are we on the same page?

I just feel bad
giving you the whole burden.

Don't feel bad.
Burden me up!

[Growling]

All right?

Fine.

Well? Give it to me.

What? You want me to,
like, mime giving it to you?

I think it would be
a nice symbolic gesture, yes.

All right.

That's it?

Yes.

You're lying. I know there's more!
Stop!

I know there's more.
Come on, you're holding!

Aha!

Ohh!

Oh, that is pure burden.

You're an idiot.

I love you.

So, should I conclude
that the storm has passed?

Yes, dad.

And break.

Oh, man, that is so great.
Ok, I owe you.

All right, bye.

Yeah!
What?

Well, your old hubby
just got a night job

doing what he does best.

I know what you're thinkin':
Underwear model.

Actually, what I do
second best: Driving.

Oh, the limo thing
came through? Yay!

Yep, nights a week, I'm going
to be playing motor host

to New York's
glamorous social elite.

And probably
some drunk prom kids.

nights.
Honey, that's so much.

Money! Cash!

You know what I'm talking about?
Co-co-cold cash.

All right.

I'm telling you, car, our kid's
gonna have the best of everything:

Best food, best babysitters,
solid-gold pacifier.

I'm not sure if it's good
for a kid to suck on gold.

Fine. Lead, whatever.
The point is

we're gonna have the money
to do what we want.

Well, let me at least help out. How
about I do some overtime work?

No, no, no overtime work.
That counts as burden.

You work hours a week Max.

And even then,
I want a lot of slacking off.

You know, they put solitaire
on the computer for a reason.

All right, well,
maybe I'll go online,

you know,
read up baby-type stuff.

See, there you go.
Now we're vibing, huh?

It's gonna be ok, my little...

[Speaking gibberish]

My little yummy,
yummy, yummy, my--

all right, all right.

If that continues, I will
b*at you with the blender.

Whoa! There are the hormones.
Ok, k*ller.

Sorry about that, kids.

Just trying to shut off
the right circuit breaker.

I don't know
that these old bones

can handle
a rd electrocution.

He's near our wires.
Why is he near our wires?

Uh, dad, what are you doing?

Pitching in.
What with the baby coming,

I realize the contractor's
too expensive to keep on,

but we still own
the materials,

so I figured why not just
finish up the job myself?

Um, maybe because you know absolutely
nothing about construction?

Is that so? Well, for your
information, darling,

I spent several months
working as a rivet boy

on the empire state building.

In addition
to doling out hot rivets,

I would also delight and amuse
the workers

by dancing a lively jig
during break time.

You know what? There's no rivets
or dancing involved here,

so give it up, ok?

Don't worry, Douglas,
I'm not on my own here.

I have a step-by-step book

that will guide me
through the process.

Ok, this is how to build
an outdoor barbecue pit.

Granted, there'll be
some extrapolating.

Dad, please be rational here.
You can't do this.

Yes, I can.
No, you can't!

For god's sakes, you get reduced to
tears when you try to make popcorn!

Now come on,
just forget about this now.

I'm sorry, darling.
I know you're right.

It's just so hard to accept.

I was so close
to having my own bathroom,

I could taste it.

You know what, Arthur?
I'll, uh...

I'll finish it up for you, ok?

Don't be silly, Douglas.

You got way too much
on your plate already.

Believe me, I want to.

In fact, I'll pick up
the toilet on my way home, ok?

God bless you.

[Door opening]

What up, little man?

Not much.

Listen, I'm gonna grab
a shower, but, um,

if one of your famous grilled cheese
sandwiches met me with a towel,

I wouldn't hate it,
you know what I'm saying?

What's the matter?

We need to talk.
Come. Sit.

Ok.

Uh, what's up?

I, uh...

Oh, this is hard.

Come on. What is it?

Ok, I--I just don't think
this--this is working out for me.

What isn't?

This, this.
This thing that we're doing.

Bro, I'm just crashing on your
couch until Kelly lets me back.

Exactly.

A-and in the meantime, I'm
nothing more than your servant.

I'm your doormat,
your m-Mr. Belvedere.

Is this about the other night? I--I
called to tell you I wasn't coming home.

I--I know, and thank you,

but I just...

I feel like I've got to get off
this emotional roller coaster.

You want me to move out?

I think it would be best if you got
all of your stuff out tomorrow,

and--and I'll make sure
to be out the whole day.

I only have one suitcase,
and I never even unpacked it.

I don't think
you have to be out at all.

Well, I have to be out anyway
because of work.

Well, all right.

Why don't I just

[quavering] Get started on
that grilled cheese sandwich?

Can I help you?

Uh, yeah, I guess.
I mean, I am pregnant, so...

Pregnant?
Oh, how wonderful!

What a delightful,
wonderful miracle that is.

Well, you seem awfully excited

for someone who deals with
pregnant women for a living

uh, I'm sorry.
I just get so excited.

I mean, you never know
who's gonna give birth

to the next Neil sedaka, am I right?
Yeah.

Well, skinny girl,
how far long are you?

'Cause you are just skinny
as a skinny rail.

Oh, well,
I'm just a few weeks along.

I was getting some coffee
on my way home,

and I saw this place
and I thought,

why not stick a toe
in the water, right?

Yeah. Well, the first thing you're
gonna want to do with that toe

is have it talk the other toes
into kicking caffeine

right out of your life.

Oh, no, no. You don't understand.
My coffee's the only thing

that--that keeps me from jumping
in front of the "e" train.

I do understand,

but that nasty old caffeine
gets into your tummy

and then up
the umbilical cord,

and, well, the next thing you know,
you've got a hyperactive child

who's tugging on your dress
screaming, "mommy, mommy!

Look at me! Mommy!
Mommy! Look! Look!"

Got it. Ok.
No more coffee.

Great.
Ok.

We've got
some great books here

on nutrition
for expectant mothers

that are
an absolute must-have.

Now, I assume
you're taking folic acid?

Well, I took some
at a metallica concert once.

Woke up the next day in the
parking lot of a waldbaum's.

[Laughing]

I'm kidding.

I mean, that did--
that did happen,

but I know
that's not what you meant.

Anyway, I-- I have an appointment
with my o.B/g.Y.N. Next week,

and I'm sure he'll clue me in.

Right, but in the meantime you want
to get a little checklist going, huh?

See what this cute little
money pit's gonna run ya?

Exactly.
Great. Where should we start?

Changing tables.

Oh, you know what? Actually, um, I
don't think I need one of those.

We have this old bureau in the attic.
I--I think I'm just gonna use that.

Does it have a lip on it?

I--I--I don't know.
Is that-- is that important?

Gosh, I don't know.
Let's see.

Here I am, changing my baby

on the no-lip bureau
I saved, oh, $ on.

What's that? The phone?
Better get it.

Well, hello there, husband.

No, I'm just changing
little wynona.

We're...
Oh, god! Wynona, no!

No! No! Why?

What happened? What happened
to little wynona?

She rolled off the edge
'cause there was no lip.

Now she has to go to
special classes.

Ok. Got it.
Get a changing table.

Yeah.
Ok.

So what brings you to Gotham?

You're here on business?

Yes.
Oh. What do you do?

I run c.B.S.

Ah, c.V.S., nice.

My wife shops there.

In fact, she just picked up a
couple of -packs of charmins.

Saved a bundle.

Good feeling, though,

when you're all set with t.P.
For a few weeks, am I right?

Not c.V.S., c.B.S.

Oh, c.B.S.

Hey, is that guy on Becker
really blind?

What's the deal?

Gotcha. No problem.

[Cell phone ringing]

Hello.
Hi, hon, it's me.

Hey, babe. How you feeling?

Um, fine. Well, I threw up this
morning, but that's normal.

Hey, you had fruit loops. That
must have been quite a show.

Ok, well,
I'm at the baby store.

Fantastic.
There's this great

changing table. I know you don't
know what it is, but we'll need it.

[Whispering] Tell him it
has a decorative lip.

It has a decorative lip.
Anyway, it's a display model

and we can get it
for a rd off.

Well, if you think
that it's a good deal--

hey! What are you doing?
You passed my building.

Uh, oops. Ok.

No problem. I'll just swing around.
Sorry about that.

All right,
order it if you want, ok?

It's fine. I gotta go.

[Sighing]

So, do you know della Reese?

Bad news. The changing table I
ordered was too big for the room.

Oh, really?

Yeah, they have
a smaller one there.

But it's a little bit more
expensive, is that ok?

Um--
hey.

You left the two day's on the platform
yesterday. O'Boyle is pissed.

Oh. I'll--I'll--
I'll take care of it.

Uh, yeah, buy it.
Whatever you want, honey.

Ok. Oh! And what do you
think of "Peter"?

Oh, I like him a lot.

No, the name "Peter,"
for a boy.

Oh, great. Yeah.

Who did you think
I was talking about?

I don't know.

Douglas, got a moment to chat?

Hold--hold on one sec, ok?

What did I say?
Heads inside!

[All clamoring]

What--what is it, Arthur?

Uh, I'm a bit concerned about the lack
of progress vis-a-vis the toilet.

You know what? I can't hear you.
You'll have to say it again.

The toilet!
The thing I don't have!

Hold on one sec.
Pants on!

[Cell phone ringing]

[Cutlery rattling]

Yeah, hello?

Are you married
to the decorative lip?

No, no, no, no, not at all.
Ok, then, bye.

♪ [Music playing]

[Cell phone ringing]

Yeah?

You left another pallet
of two day's, man.

Crap. All--all right,
thanks.

[Cell phone ringing]

[Chuckles]

What?

So I guess the toilet is here
and I'm just missing it.

Listen, I said I would get it.

Now, stop calling me, or the
toilet will be your new fedora.

Anger.

Young man, wake up.

[Snoring]

We can't get out.
The doors are locked.

Wake up.
Start the engine.

Oh, Herman,
I-I'm frightened.

Oh, coffee.
Coffee. Need coffee.

Oh, sweet wakey juice.

Oh, oh, yeah.

[Gasps]

Oh, it's cold.

[Groans]

And decaf.

Ok, that was a miss-miss.

(Arthur) Douglas, is that you?

Yeah.

(Arthur) Kindly step
down here for a moment.

Yeah, Arthur, what...
Oh, god.

Hello, Douglas.

You, uh, you do understand
that's not connected, right?

Yes, but as you can see,

there aren't a great many seating
options available down here.

Sorry, I've been busy, but I did
bring the toilet in, right?

Yes, you did,

which I'm now beginning to
assume was just to taunt me.

It wasn't to taunt you.

Well, then can you hook it up
tonight?

I can't tonight. I gotta drive insane
clown posse to the v.H- awards.

Look, I don't understand
your street jargon,

but I do understand
there's a toilet here

with no conduit to the ocean!

Arthur, I have a half an hour
before I have to leave for work.

If I don't lie down, I'm
gonna break in a scary way.

(Carrie) Doug, you home?

Yeah, coming!

Wait! Where you going?
I'm on the brink of utopia.

Help me!

(Doug) Where are you?

In my office.
Come on up.

Huh? Huh?
What do you think?

What's--what's all this?

Our baby's room.

I want to see
how the furniture would fit,

so I got a bunch of empty
boxes from the supermarket.

Oh! Shamaniqua
says congratulations

and sends
a shout-out to you.

Oh, we--we got to go, honey.
Come on.

Wait. Wait.
Where we going?

My obstetrician appointment. You
said you wanted to come, right?

[Doug exclaims]

Check it out, honey. It's like
the zamboni at the ranger game.

[Imitating zamboni]
All right, Doug--

♪ [scatting]

Stop it.

Yeah! All right.

All right,
blue, . Blue. Blue.

Would you stop it? Doug--
hut!

Stop it.

How much coffee have you had?

Just this one.
And the other .

All right, you know what, sweetie?
I love you for bringing me here,

but why don't you head out to work, ok?
You're making me nervous.

Besides,
you don't want to be late.

No sense in upsetting
an already insane clown posse.

All right, sorry for the wait.

Oh, that's ok, Dr. linhardt.
This is my husband Doug.

Doug, hello.

It would seem congratulations
are in order.

Well, thanks, and to you.

Took me whole dates to get
where you're about to go.

I kid. I kid.

Ok, bye-bye, now.

All right, I gotta go.
I'm going. I'm going.

Hey, you guys want
the door open or closed?

Again,
I kid. I kid.

[Sighs]

Oh, keys.

I just forgot...

Honey?

What happened?

Did we have the baby?

No. You passed out.

I did?

[Exclaims]

Oh, well. Gotta go.

Doug!
What?

Where are you going?
To work.

To work?
Yeah.

You just collapsed!

I didn't collapse.
That was a catnap.

Did me a world of good, too.
I'll see you tonight.

[Thudding]

Doug? Honey?

What happened?

You passed out again.

Why am I in these?

Well, the doctor thought
it would be better

if you had your feet elevated
this time,

but you know what?
Take them down.

It's starting to creep me out
a little bit.

All righty, well, once again,
I'll see you tonight, ok?

Doug!
What?

Stop leaving.

I have work. I've got to
pick up a car in astoria.

Doug, you are passing out
every rd step.

Astoria is a little ambitious,
ok?

Now, just tell me
what is going on with you?

I don't know!

Everything's changing, Carrie.

You know, weeks ago you
were my beautiful, sexy wife.

Now I walk in here, and
you're--you're not her anymore.

You're--you're that,

and I'm Mr. that.

We're sitting there.
And filling out forms

"name of mother?
Name of father?"

I-I'm not even Doug anymore.

You realize that?
I'm "name of father."

I thought
you were Mr. that.

Oh, yeah, yeah, glad you're
having fun with this.

Well, Doug, what do you
want me to say?

Everything's changing, yes.

Why is it all
dawning on you now?

Because I never had time
for it to dawn on me before.

I was too busy trying to
shoulder you into a good place.

Well, you made me
give you all the burden.

I know, but because of that, I never
had a moment, not one moment, to say,

"holy crap.
What's happening to us?"

You know what?
I'm saying it now.

Holy crap.
What's happening to us?

We're having a baby,

and it's gonna be ok.

Oh, shut up.

I'm serious. It is.

Why are you so sure now?

Because of you.

Me?
Mmm-hmm.

Watching you
these last couple of weeks,

seeing what you're willing
to put yourself through

for me, for our family,

I just realized, you know,
because we have you,

we're--we're gonna be ok.

I am pretty amazing, huh?

Hey, I let you
get me pregnant, right?

Only or guys
could say that.

So you really--really think
we can pull this off?

I do,

but you know what?
You have to...

You have to give me
some of the burden back.

No, no. It's--it's--
I don't-- it's in the car.

I don't believe it is.
No. I don't have it.

I don't have it on me.
You give it to me!

Give it to me.
Give it to me right now.

Stop it! Leave me alone.

Give me the burden. Give me the burden.
Come on, baby.

I'll come back.

[Doorbell ringing]

Huh. You, uh,
you expecting someone?

No, I canceled both my lovers
when I let you move back in.

[Laughing] Good one.

Hey, man.
Hey, deac. Hey, kel.

Hey, Spence.

It's, uh, it's a little late.
What's up?

Oh, well,

you had some t-shirts
in the wash when you left.

I thought you might need them.

Um, I'm all out of snuggle,

so those might be a little
rougher than you're used to.

Thanks, man, you didn't
have to do this, though.

Well, I felt kind of bad
with the way we left things.

No, no.
Don't be silly, man.

Kicking me out was the best
thing that could've happened.

Kelly and I
are doing great now.

Are you?
Yeah.

Well, that's good.

Anything else, or...

Uh, no, I just dropped by with
the t-shirts and a how-do.

All right, well, I guess I'll
catch you at coopers, all right?

You got it.
All right, good night, man.

(Doug) Carrie!

Wife?

Wife! Wifey!

[Imitating Jerry lewis]
Wifey-lady person-thingie, hello!

Here you are.
Check this out.

It's called
a receiving blanket,

and apparently, it's perfect for
"swaddling our precious new baby."

Now all we have to do
is learn how to swaddle.

[Clears throat]

What's the matter?

We're not going to be
needing that.

What are you...

I felt weird, so I went back
to the doctor. I, um...

I, uh-- I lost it.

Oh.

[Doug sighs]

So are--are you ok?

It's funny, you know,
the other day at the doctor

we were both in a good place
about this for the first time.

And... and now...

[Carrie sniffling]

[Hammering]

Oh, that's it, Artie. The
dream has become a reality.

Never thought
I'd live to see it.

Thank you, Douglas.
You did a wonderful job.

Looks good, right?

And I want to apologize once
again for the cement incident.

Look, hey, we caught it
before anybody ate any.

That's the main thing.

So, uh, how's Carrie doing?

She's--she's doing all right.
You know?

I guess the good thing
that came of all this

is we know that we really
want to have a baby,

so we're going to keep trying.

That's the spirit. Don't let
the bastards get you down.

I'm not sure what bastards
you mean, but thank you.

(Carrie) Doug, everyone's here.
Come on!

Hey, uh, we're going to the movies,
Arthur. You want to come with us?

No, thanks, Douglas.

I think
I'll stay home tonight.

Think I'll stay home.

Enjoy.

(Doug) Ok, people,

let's go eat a dangerous
amount of milk duds.

Sweetie, you should've brought a jacket.
You'll get cold.

I'll be all right.

You always say that
and you wind up cold.

Honey, I'll be fine.

[Clears throat]

I'll keep the couch free.

[Toilet flushing]

(Arthur) Now that's livin'.

♪ [Music playing]