02x06 - P.A.L.S. Weekend

[bunniefuu]

VERNON: Previously on "Still the King"...

How 'bout we hit the bar down the street?

We're actually ...

Sixteen minutes late to college stuff.

How are my two favorite parolees, huh?

We saw you yesterday, Doily.

Yeah, but you can't
hug through prison bars.

Not for a lack of trying.

Better watch your mouth, Ronnie.

I might just have what
it takes to make it

in this business.

You wanna make it with me, Ronnie?

One of you is the father of this baby.

But apparently we're not
gonna know who anytime soon.

If it's April rd, that
means it's Deb's birthday.

I gotta go.

[indistinct chatter]

[alarm sounds]

MAN: Roberts twins, time to go.

♪

♪

♪

- You can talk to the hand?
- Hmm?

[smack]

ALL: Ooh.

- Ow.
- Good God.

♪

Wow.

Where are you off to?

Are you finally running away?

Ronnie has a retreat at his
boss's house this weekend,

and he asked me to come along.

That's right.

It's for those of us who
like the finer things in life.

Mansions, shrimps,

flying buttresses, mansion servants.

It's also gonna be at a mansion.

Wait, so this party's at a mansion?

You're gonna need help packing?

No. All set.

[grunting]

I'll be in the car.

VERNON: Drive safe.

Seems like you two

got a pretty hot and
heavy weekend planned.

So that's why Ronnie
showered this morning.

Not that it's any of your
business, but I've been

assured there's two double
beds in the guestroom.

You know, if you push them together,

you'll have a giant love nest?

I just need you two on your best behavior

while I'm gone, okay?

Keep an eye on her, please.

Mom, I'm . I don't need a babysitter.

It's a good point.

Look after him instead.

And don't spend it on fast food.

CHARLOTTE: I won't!

- I was talking to your dad.
- CHARLOTTE: Bye, love you.

- Drive safe.
- Love you.

You know, I'm a little
offended that your mother

doesn't trust us enough to
act in a responsible fashion

over the weekend.

- We're responsible.
- I know.

I do have couple of buddies
that run an illegal poker game

out of the back of a
pizza joint downtown.

We could double our money.

[laughs]

I'll go get my shoes.

♪

[indistinct chatter]

Boom! Aces full of jacks!

I'm on a heater round, you're
not gonna remember me again.

Well, that was your child support money.

But I guess that just
cuts out the middle man.

Hey, there you are.

I thought I'd find you here.

You know they say best friends
can read each other's minds.

Doily, I told you they were here.

You only agreed to come
when you got hungry.

That's true.

Guys, have a seat. I'll deal you in.

Oh, no, no, no.

We gotta go, come on.

It's P.A.L.S. weekend:
Parolee And Lawman Social.

Weekend dedicated to team building

between parole officers
and their parolees.

Wait, wait, this is a thing?

It sounds highly volatile.

It could be dangerous, but fun.

You know, I promised her
mom that I'd stick around,

keep an eye on her.

Oh yeah. No biggie.

If you wanna go back to jail
and violate your parole, fine.

He ain't bluffing, Vern.

He said he was gonna tase me
if I didn't get in the car.

- Then he tased me.
- I did, I did.

- Twice.
- [laughing]

- It's not funny.
- Sorta.

You know what, Dad, you need to go.

Okay, I don't need a
babysitter. I'm fine.

- You can trust me.
- Are you sure?

Man, if your mom finds
out, she'll k*ll me.

Have fun, you deserve it.

Alright. Do me a favor though.

Just keep an eye on Dwayne, alright?

He's had kind of a rough year.

DOILY: Alright, let's go.

♪

Turns out, getting a job...

isn't a hellish nightmare
I thought'd it be.

Plus, I get to take you

on a "romantical" weekends like this.

Just a reminder, treating
me to fancy weekends

does not mean sex.

Alright. Ah.

You want me to put that in
the Ronnie pocket for you?

No, babe.

We can get fresh ones.

We're above purse snacks now.

Ooh.

We're living the good life.

Care for a mask?

Oh, we're good, thank you.

What?

♪

Dang, everything's so big.

Look, Ronnie, it's a champagne fountain.

Look at the curtain rings.

So, it's true what they say.

Behind every great man is a woman.

And behind that woman is me.

Bonjour.

Ronnie, you didn't tell me
this was a masquerade party.

Oh, it's not.

♪ Hello ♪

Deb, meet Coy.

He's the genius behind
this whole operation.

Your Ronnie here is
one of my top stallions.

I got big plans for him. [laughs]

You talking top stallions over here?

- My ears are burning.
- Excuse me, boys,

but I am going to trot
this mare over to the bar.

Clipity-clopy, clipity-clop.

You guys really likes horses.

♪

What are you doing here, Pony Boy?

Coy personally invited me.

Coy personally invited
everyone, you idiot.

It's his house.

Just because you're hanging out
with the stallions, doesn't mean

you're gonna be invited
into Coy's inner-sanctum.

- Oh.
- His private cigar lounge.

That's where only the top
stallions run unbridled.

Oh, I can outrun any stallion.

Yeah?

[crunch]

Even got my own cigar.

You're a real class act, Ronnie.

- Let's get out here, Blake.
- See ya there.

[spitting]

[door dings]

Oh my God. I can't believe that worked.

I know, that was so much fun.

I wish my parents would leave
town every once in a while.

Or the house, really.

Wait, what time are
Lloyd's friends coming over?

Uh, I think I told him .

I need to have everyone out by ,

so me and Lloyd can have some alone time.

Got it.

Good thing you got prophylactics.

- Got what?
- These, condoms.

Okay, Mabel, you don't
have to show the world.

You know, I read in
"Cosmo" that it's good

for an independent feminist to
carry her own box of condoms.

That could have helped my
mom at least or times.

♪

What the hell you got us into here, son?

Oh, this is gonna be fun. Hi, Timmy.

Hey, Joe. Hey, Spider.

In addition to the Best P.A.L. title,

the winner will receive this
state-of-the-art ham radio,

and a $ gift card to cr*cker Barrel.

Oh, I want that gift card.

I want that radio.

- Hey, Doily.
- Hey.

Freaking Don.

I don't know what my
ex-wife Cynthia sees in him.

♪

Those friends of yours, Vern?

No, I'm pretty sure
those guys wanna k*ll me.

Lose the bad attitude, man.

We're gonna k*ll them. We're athletes.

They're not athletes.

No, I mean it, man, those guys hate me.

They vowed they're gonna m*rder me

the day they got out of prison.

I don't know. They were
always cool with me.

Hey.

[whispering]

Then why does it say "k*ll
Vern" on their knuckles?

♪

Huh. I never noticed that.

They are such jokers, man.

Let's have some fun.

Go, P.A.L.S.

[doorbell rings]

Oh, uh, um... okay.

[indistinct whispering]

I am ready to party.

Okay, it's not a party.

It's a kickback.

Right.

- Hi.
- Hey, is this the party?

- Yeah, it's a party...
- Yeah, alright.

Okay, hi, how are you?

- Mwah.
- Good.

Hey, I invited a couple of my friends.

- Is that cool?
- Yeah, yeah.

Yeah? Alright, come on in, y'all.

Wow, that's big.

Put that in the kitchen.

Get that going on the table.

These are all your friends?

- Oh no, that's dangerous.
- Okay.

Nice to meet you all. Yeah.

When you're standing in
one of these crop circles,

you'll notice the grass
is actually woven together.

Okay, okay, thank you, Walt.

Maybe someone else would like to share.

Maybe something a little more on topic.

Yah, I miss prison.

I love my life there.

I had discipline.

I knew who I was, you know?

I mean, truth be told,
I would do anything

to get my ass back inside.

Anything.

Now, that's fairly common.

And I would suggest taking
some CrossFit classes.

Maybe sleeping in your
closet for a while.

You know, I'd like to share.

I feel sad for Mitch
Doily, who never wins.

And, uh, I feel happy for
his sweet ex-wife Cynthia

who now has me as a lover.

Suck it, Don.

Okay, thanks, Don. Who else?

Me.

♪

I got a friend who feels...

Vengeful.

...vengeful.

Towards a certain person who

really screwed him and
his twin brother over.

This person pinned [bleep] on him.

And they were sent to
solitary confinement

for a year.

Well, maybe this person

was stuck between a
rock and a hard place.

Well, maybe this person better watch out,

because my friend...

and his brother

ain't too happy about it.

Man, I'd hate to be that person.

Yeah, that person out there's
in some serious danger.

Hello! Does nobody else here realize

this person they're talking about is me?

WOMAN: Vernon! You're projecting.

Okay, not everything is about you.

Okay? Alright.

That is good work, everyone.

We did good work today.

♪ Take it off, take it off, whoo-hoo ♪

♪ Take it off, take it off, whoo-hoo ♪

♪ Go down to your birthday suit ♪

♪ Who cares who's watching you ♪

♪ Take it off, take it off, whoo-hoo ♪

♪ Take it off, take it off, whoo-hoo ♪

♪ [unintelligible] ♪

♪ So get on down to your birthday suit ♪

Hey, I was wondering if
you wanted to check out

my stained glass window... alone.

♪

Yes.

Yes, of course, I would, please.

Take me to your window.

♪ Ain't no shame in your underwear ♪

♪ One more step, then we'll be there ♪

♪ Just come with me ♪

♪ Take it off, take it off, whoo-hoo ♪

♪ Take it off, take it off, whoo-hoo ♪

MAN: Hey, guys, I heard there's
a stained glass window up here.

Wow.

I mean, that's a real
stained glass window.

Yeah, hey, Derrick, Justin,
check out this room up there,

- this window, man.
- Jeffery?

I mean, I've never seen
anything like this before.

It's amazing.

- Look at the craftsmanship.
- [indistinct chatter]

Hey, everybody, check out
this stained glass window.

It's amazing.

Mabel.

You are doing a really bad job
at distracting Lloyd's friends.

Let's get everyone back downstairs.

- Okay, I got it.
- Okay.

Who wants to do keg stands?

ALL: [cheering]

ALL: [laughing]

- Hey, Bill.
- Hey, Vance.

One Neutral Light, please.

Here you go.

Neutral Light?

Real classy there, Ron.

Uh, yeah.

Yeah, Neutral Light, prince of beers.

Both Neutral and Light.

The last time I drank a Neutral Light

was as a dare in college.

Hey, Blake, remind me.

Where was it you went to college?

Uh, you might have heard of it. Harvard!

Boom! You just got the
H b*mb dropped on you.

I myself am a Phoenix University man.

Went there on a full
lacrosse scholarship.

How 'bout you, Ronnie? Where'd you go?

Uh... where'd I go?

Um...

Actually, Ronnie was a self-starter.

He didn't need college or
a second half-ass school.

Well, that's impressive.

And, um, what was your industry?

Uh, you know, um...

- Just boats.
- Mm-hmm.

Actually, he had his own television show.

"Onboard with Ronnie."
I'm sure you saw it.

- And a new baby, I presume.
- Uh-huh, yeah.

You must so proud.

Have you thought of some names?

- I got one...
- Actually, we have.

If it's a boy, it's
gonna be Ronford Junior.

Although those are pretty
big footsteps to fill.

I couldn't ask for a
better man to be by my side.

Now you got one on both sides.

Can you imagine?

Okay, next up is Vernon Brown.

♪

[indistinct whispers]

Huh-uh.

Vernon, this exercise is all about trust.

And it's important that you trust them.

I don't though. I'm not doing it.

Well, you have to, otherwise our team's

gonna be disqualified.

We'll have to pay for
cr*cker Barrel food.

Come on.

You know, technically, anyone
from your team can fall.

Okay, great, I'll do it.

Vernon, I'll take your place.

You're being ridiculous.

I'm gonna show you just
how much I can trust, buddy.

Mitch, I don't think that we
can catch you from that high up.

Vernon, watch this.

Oh my God, go, go, go, go!

It's e-e-e-e-easy!

♪

ALL: [groans]

- Doily, get up!
- Doily...

Come on, man!

[laughs] That was fun, fellas.

[chanting] Chug, chug, chug, chug.

[metal clangs]

[gasps]

I'm too drunk to feel pain?

I'm too drunk to feel pain!

ALL: [cheering]

♪

You think that guy was a real doctor?

Oh my God, I hope so...

Oh my.

My special, special couple.

I'd like to invite
you both to come inside

my special, special place.

Hmm?

My private seagull.

Nice.

Wouldn't it be a shame
to end the evening here?

Hmm?

Hmm?

Hmm?

[indistinct party chatter]

This is it, Deb.

We get to role with
the top stallions now.

Oh, Ronnie, that's great.

You know what?

I think I'm just gonna go
try find something to eat

and head to the room.

Smoke probably isn't good for the baby.

You should go.

- Really? You sure?
- Yes! Yes!

Ronnie, this is important.

You go get 'em.

COY: Ronnie?

[moaning]

[indistinct party noises]

[laughing]

That is so hot.

Mammoth. How'd you know?

I guessed.

Hey, you know if you mix
Schnapps with coffee liqueur,

it tastes... it tastes like...

- [vomiting]
- [screaming]

Mabel! Oh, really? Not my...

I'm sorry, Charlotte.

I just... I don't think
tonight's our night.

- [vomiting]
- [screaming]

- Oh my God, that's...
- I'll get a bucket.

Uh, uh, hold it, hold it.

Come on, come on, bathroom, let's go.

Vernon, I just overheard
the Roberts twins saying

they're gonna shank
you at the finish line.

I'm starting to think they're bad dudes.

Welcome to the party.

I got an idea.

Hey, Hank. You still homesick for prison?

With every fiber of my whole being.

You got no idea.

You know, inside, I was
Hank the Shank, you know?

Out here, I'm just Henry Dupree,

the man who stabbed

his wife's lover with
a sharpened toothbrush.

I'll tell you what.

I got an idea that
might help the two of us.

You see these two guys
standing over here.

Come here, check this out.

I never did like those two.

♪

Ew.

Luxury clotted cream?

- Gross.
- Here's Ronnie.

I got the cure for the cravings.

I got the waffles.

I got the hash browns.

I got the chicken.

Yes, yes! You read my mind.

For the babies.

Ronford Junior and I
are pretty simpatico.

The kid has good taste in hash browns.

What happened to the cigar lounge

and the stallions?

Uh, I figured I'd have
more fun with you two.

Besides, thanks for
having my back down there.

[laughs] It wasn't easy.

Yeah, I know you don't
have a lot to work with.

- What's that?
- What?

Ronford Junior? Is that you?

You want mama and dada
to push the bed together?

Have a family sleepover?

Don't push your luck. [laughs]

- Baby's wishes, you know?
- [laughs]

♪

You know, maybe it would be
more comfortable... for the baby.

For the baby.

I don't... I want your hands
above the covers all night.

It's not my hands you
have to worry about.

[laughs] Oh God.

[groans]

Let's see. What do we got here.

♪

Okay.

On your mark.

Get set.

Go!

♪

We're going so fast,
I feel like Usain Bolt.

Vernon, they're gaining on us.

It's shanking time.

[screams]

♪

[cheering]

[indistinct yelling]

We did it!

Yeah!

[indistinct yelling]

Did you see the cheetahs
in the backyard last night?

I thought those were painted cats.

No.

RONNIE: ' Dodge Neon, please.

Oh boy.

Look who it is. A butthole
attached to a neck.

You missed an epic time last night.

We smoked like a million cigars.

My lungs burn so good right now.

[laughs]

[coughing]

Can you get tuberculous in one night?

We had a big breakfast this morning.

And everything taste like a fine cigar.

That's how you know you had a good time.

Well, we had an amazing night
just doing our own thing.

Yeah, that's right.

And breakfast tasted like breakfast.

- [horn honks]
- Yawn.

Alright, saddle up.

We need you to get to Smoking
Little Hair of the Dog.

It'll fix you right up.

Sir, a little something for you.

Keep the change.

Kazah!

Did you really have a
good time last night?

Yeah, I did.

Me, too.

I should call and check
in on Vernon and Charlotte.

[phone ringing]

Debbie.

Nope, everything is great.

Nope.

I told you you could trust me.

Okay.

I'll see you when you get home.

[glasses shattering]

What the hell?

You said I could trust you.

Your mama is gonna be pissed.

[glasses shattering]

At me or at you, because
you said you were gonna stay

and then you left, so...

Well played.

Better get me a bag.

♪

Hi, guys.

- Hey.
- Hey, hey.

Whoo, pretty big weekend.

But I'm pretty jetlagged,

so I'm gonna catch up with y'all later.

Ronnie, you can't get
jetlag from road trips.

So how was the weekend alone?

- Good, good.
- Yeah.

How was yours?

- It was good.
- VERN: Good.

What'd you guys do?

Um, we just played some card games and...

- Watched "Slap Fighter."
- ...a movie, hmm.

"Slap Fighter Four: Still Slapping."

Yeah. It was really good.

The guy comes back at the
end and slaps him with a foot

instead of his hand.

- VERN: It was pretty cool.
- Yeah.

What the hell?

Whose are these?

VERN: Um, I was looking
for a place to put these,

and put them in the wrong place.

Vern nice, Vern.

♪

I'm gonna assume you had this
conversation with your mom.

Yeah, yeah.

I'm all good, thanks.

♪

BOTH: [imitating expl*si*n]

[grunting]

Through the fire.

[grunting]

Flaming arrow.

[imitating soaring arrows]

[groaning]

Oh, hey, Vernon.

♪