(DRYER RATTLING)
Cheryl, that dryer is
making that noise again.
CHERYL: I know.
(BANGING)
(RATTLING STOPS)
Thank you!
Daddy, what do you want
for your birthday?
My birthday?
I think I want breakfast in bed
and then read
the paper till dinner.
Which I'd also like in bed.
How about a magic tiara?
That was second on my list.
Honey...
JIM: Huh?
I think I know what you
want for your birthday.
And what's that?
A new dryer.
(CHUCKLING)
You know, you never did take the
time to know me well, did you?
Honey! I got to run everything through
three times before it gets dry.
Look at this, my T-shirt's been in an hour.
It's still wet.
That wet T-shirt argument
works against you.
Okay, girls, come on,
let's go to school.
Jim, we need a new dryer.
No. Look, when Ruby
lost a few teeth,
did we throw her out
and get a new kid?
(SIGHS)
No, we kept her!
Now, don't you think
a major appliance deserves
the same consideration
as one of our children?
Jim!
No, Cheryl, when the dryer
breaks, we'll get a new one.
Simple. Okay?
Come on, girls.
Daddy, how about
a gumball machine?
(GASPS) Somebody's
been reading my list.
(GIGGLES)
Ha!
Die!
(EXCLAIMS)
Oh, baby!
(GRUNTS) I cannot
break that dryer!
I threw in a wrench, two
hammers, and Ruby's lunch box,
and it's still going.
(SIGHS) Why don't you just send
your stuff out, like I do?
(CLICKS TONGUE) Oh,
honey, listen to yourself.
You're still living
like you have a job.
That's right, I'm
an unemployed loser,
I'd forgotten for five minutes.
Thanks for reminding me.
Mmm.
Hey, is that the auction site?
Yeah, this is
the sports memorabilia site.
So, what do you want to
get Jim for his birthday?
Oh, God, I don't know.
Not that, go down.
Stop! Hey,
hey, what's that?
A Chicago Bears helmet
signed by d*ck Butkus.
Yeah, he loves that
guy. Let's get that.
Okay, now you just need a screen
name so you can start bidding.
Oh. Oh, hey,
how about Charlie A?
'Cause we used to play Charlie's
Angels when we were little.
Oh! Yeah!
Remember Andy in that tube top?
Yeah.
(CLICKS TONGUE)
Hmm...
Okay, so, Charlie A.
All right, and now you're
bidding against SpiffyTool .
Okay, go for it.
All right.
Now you're the highest bidder.
Oh, I win!
This is so exciting.
Well, Cheryl, there's still four
days left, so anyone can bid.
Oh, come on, who's going
to mess with Charlie A?
Who the hell is Charlie A?
What do you mean?
For the last three days I've had the
highest bid on this Butkus helmet
and some clown is
driving up the price.
Hey, Jim, will you check on that
Full House lunch box?
It... It comes with
an Uncle Jesse thermos.
He made lunch cool.
Well, Charlie A, it's time to
separate the men from the boys.
(CLICKING TONGUE) Oh, no!
You just got outbid by SpiffyTool .
What? SpiffyTool !
That's probably his weight!
I can just see him sitting there scratching
his belly eating a jelly doughnut.
Hey, Andy, you got
a jelly doughnut in there?
No, none today.
(CLICKING TONGUE)
Man! This Charlie A
outbid me again!
Well, I think I know
what the "A" stands for.
Oh, God!
Why don't you go outside
and make a friend, fatty?
Come on!
Oh, you son of a...
Look at this guy!
He outbid me again!
You know what?
I got to change my tactic.
What're you gonna do?
I'm going to cozy up
to him, you know?
Get him to back off,
then the helmet is mine.
How's it hangin'?
"How's it hangin'?"
How's what hangin'?
He thinks you're a guy.
Oh, my God!
(GASPS) Oh, oh!
What're you doing?
I'm writing him
back as Charlie A.
Huh? Once I'm his buddy,
this -pound geek
desperate for any sort of human contact
will just hand the helmet right over.
You have issues.
Yeah, I know.
Okay, what should I write?
All right, well, you're writing
as a guy, so... Right.
Think of the lowest
common denominator.
What would Jim say?
That's easy.
(IN JIM'S VOICE) Hey, how
about that game last night?
What game?
Oh, come on, there's
always a game somewhere.
Hmm.
(CHUCKLING) Oh, yeah,
that was a good game.
Oh, that was a great game.
Good game.
(KEYBOARD CLACKING) Hey!
Hey.
"I hear you, my man, you marry them and
right away they try to change you"?
Yeah.
Are you still writing
SpiffyTool ?
Yeah! This helmet is
as good as mine.
Men are so stupid.
So, are you guys
becoming friends?
How could we not?
We both could stand
to lose a little weight,
we've both been kicked out of
Bulls games for mooning a ref,
and our favorite beer
is the next one.
You're not gonna, like, go out
cruising for chicks together, are you?
(LAUGHS)
No! Dana...
Being a guy is fascinating.
You know, he tells me stuff
he would never tell his wife.
Like what?
Oh, get this.
He buys sports memorabilia
off the Internet
and he hides it from her in his
tool cabinet in the garage.
My God! That poor woman!
Oh, please, she's a sap.
Hey, hey, tell him an off-color joke.
Guys love those.
Oh, I don't know any.
You don't know any?
No!
You married
an off-color joke.
Oh!
I got a great one about a sailor
and a parrot who meet the pope.
(LAUGHING) I heard
it at a gas station.
Ew!
(BOTH LAUGHING)
Oh, okay, oh, I get it.
The parrot's Jewish, right?
What? No!
Oh, I don't get it then.
(PANTING)
Oh, what a run!
Oh, boy! Heart's b*ating, the
blood's flowing, I feel so alive.
How far did you go?
Just to the corner.
Huh.
Then I threw up on an anthill.
Oh, Andy.
Hey, you know what?
Charlie A's a runner.
He runs three miles a day.
Do you believe that?
Charlie A?
Yeah.
Yeah, there's a name I haven't
heard more than times today!
I thought you were just sizing up this
bozo so you could get the helmet.
Well, I was, I was.
But you know what?
It turns out we got
a lot in common.
It's kind of nice.
You know, having a friend who's
a real guy's guy, you know?
Hey! What about me?
Oh, come on, you know
what I'm talking about.
I mean, like a guy who's
married with kids and...
Doesn't wear velour sweats.
Yeah, but when you run and
you're not wearing underwear,
it's delicious.
JIM: Oh, get out of here!
Hey! You ready?
Oh, honey, yes.
I am starving. Let's go.
Yeah, you know what, sweetie?
It's kind of a long drive.
Do you need to
use the bathroom?
I don't need to go
to the bathroom.
Jim...
Okay.
Hey, uh, are my keys right there?
Will you grab them?
Oh, yeah.
Spiffy Tool?
JIM: Hey, Cheryl, I heard
a great joke today
about a sailor and a
parrot meeting the pope.
You wanna hear it?
(STAMMERING) No, I think
I heard that one.
Oh.
Yeah.
The parrot's Jewish, right?
SpiffyTool !
is April th,
that's Jim's birthday!
How could I be so stupid?
(GASPING)
I don't believe it.
I'm the sap wife!
God! This stuff must've
cost a fortune!
Look at this Michael
Jordan basketball!
Sammy Sosa baseball!
Oh, this ball's
green and fuzzy.
Oh, God, it's an orange!
He stood there and told me I
couldn't get a dryer and yet,
and yet, he's spending money on this, on
this pucky thing signed by Bobby Hull.
Bobby Hull? Cool!
(LAUGHS)
Wow, your nostrils are flaring.
You know, you could
fit a nickle up there.
(CLICKS TONGUE) Yeah,
that'll have to wait.
We have work to do.
Hello, my little doves.
Hey!
GIRLS: Hi, Daddy!
So, what are you girls up to?
We're doing a project.
Mommy's teaching us planets.
Yeah.
Oh, that'll come in
handy when you grow up.
Oh!
Hey, we still have
to do Saturn,
you want me to get another
ball out of the garage?
Yeah, they're in
Jim's tool cabinet.
(STAMMERING) Whoa, whoa, whoa!
You got these balls
out of my tool chest?
Yeah, yeah, Dana and I were
just looking around in there.
We found basketballs,
baseballs, hockey pucks...
Give me that! Give me that! Oh!
(GRUNTS) Oh!
Hey, hey, hey!
What are you doing?
We worked hard on those!
Cheryl! This is an autographed
Michael Jordan basketball.
And this so-called moon is a
baseball signed by Sammy Sosa.
Two hundred and fifty dollars!
Three hundred and fifty
dollars for the basketball!
All right!
Here, you big baby!
We didn't really
paint over them.
Here.
You did this on purpose?
Yes.
Well, you know, this is a
pretty lousy way of making
whatever point you're
trying to make!
Jim, you are such a hypocrite!
You won't buy me a dryer, but you'll
spend just tons of money on this crap!
(EXCLAIMS) Crap?
Do you realize this crap can be
worth a lot of money one day?
Enough to put our
kids through college!
Oh, I see, so you're
gonna sell 'em?
(STAMMERING)
Why do you always
have to push it?
Jim, why would you hide
this stuff from me?
I'll tell you why.
Remember I came home one time with that
Ryne Sandberg rookie card that I bought?
You said I was
throwing my money away.
Well, you took all
the fun out of me
throwing my money away!
So, in the future,
keep your hands off my...
Sports stuff!
(DOOR SLAMS)
(CHERYL SIGHING)
Cheryl, you had
him on the ropes,
if you'd just told him
that you were Charlie A,
you would have crushed
his spirit forever!
(SCOFFS) Are you kidding?
I want to see how
he spins this to Charlie A.
I've got a window
into Jim's mind.
Yeah, well, all you're gonna see
is a wall with three buttons.
"Sleep," "belch"
and "fart."
Okay, now, I know it's
not until Saturday,
but happy birthday, buddy.
Your traditional birthday
breakfast burrito.
Make a...
Wish.
Talking to Charlie?
(SHUSHING) Oh, whoa,
okay, you know what?
That's it.
I put a lot of thought
into your special day.
Me and the guys were even going to
sing you Happy Birthday,
but you know what?
Forget it.
You know what?
Charlie was right.
He said you'd be jealous.
Well, why don't you and your best friend
Charlie just run off and get married, huh?
And do all the things you and I
do, like eat and watch TV and...
All the other stuff I can't
think of, because I'm so upset.
You were so right about Andy.
Unbelievable!
We have a huge fight last night
and all he can talk about
is some stupid burrito.
Well, Cheryl, guys never talk
about what's bothering them.
You gotta draw them out a
little, speak their language.
Oh, right. Right.
Wives, huh?
Right.
Can't live with them, but if you
don't, they take half your stuff.
(LAUGHING) That's good.
(COMPUTER BLEEPS)
"I hear you. The wife and I
really got into it last night."
Yes! We're in.
RUBY: Mommy!
The toilet won't stop!
Yeah, Dana would you
handle that for me?
(SIGHING) I gotta get a job.
CHERYL: So, what was
the fight about?
JIM: Well, I wouldn't spend
money on a new dryer,
and then she found
my sports stash.
So what?
You make the money.
(GRUNTING) God, it hurt
just to type that.
Yeah. Apparently,
we both, quote,
contribute equally, end quote.
Laugh out loud.
Well, you know what
they say about women.
What's that?
Sometimes it's better to
just buy 'em the damn dryer
and shut 'em up.
You think I'm
being hypocritical?
Maybe a little.
And "hypocritical"
is spelt with a "Y."
(LAUGHS) You sound
like my wife.
Please!
Don't insult me.
Ha, ha.
Well, actually,
that's a compliment.
Cheryl's a great woman.
Sometimes I don't know what
I did to deserve her.
The only thing I can come
up with is, when I was ,
I gave a hobo half a hot dog.
I mean, I guess I've
done other good stuff,
but that's the one
that really stands out.
You know, why don't I let you
you outbid me on the helmet?
That way, you can bring it
home and show her who's boss.
No, you gave me good advice.
Thank you, you take it.
Okay, got to go.
I'm attaching a video
of a monkey kissing a goat.
I dare you not to laugh.
(LAUGHING)
You're going to need a plumber.
(CLANGING)
Andy, I could use
a little hand here.
Oh, really, you want
my help? All right.
Ow!
Oh, no can do.
I got a Charlie A horse.
Jerk.
(GASPING) Honey!
Honey, you got a new dryer?
Yes, I did.
(EXCLAIMING)
Happy birthday, Merry Christmas,
and happy birthday.
Honey! Thank you!
(CHUCKLING) You're welcome.
Oh, don't move!
I'll be right back.
(LAUGHING) All right.
That is fascinating.
It is your birthday and yet
you bought Cheryl a present.
What would make you
do something like that?
Well, it's, uh,
it's nothing. It was on sale
at Lazy Al's, so I got it.
Oh, by the way, they're
looking for a clerk,
so I brought an
application for you.
Honey, honey!
I was going to give it to you at
your party but I couldn't wait.
Aw! (GIGGLING) Happy birthday!
Thank you, honey, you
didn't have to do anything.
I told you I'd be happy if you and the
kids just left me alone for a night.
Oh!
(GRUNTING)
(GIGGLING)
Oh, my God!
(STAMMERING) This is a
d*ck Butkus signed helmet.
I know!
You know, I was bidding
on one just like this!
No. You were bidding
on this one.
SpiffyTool .
You mean, you're Charlie A?
Well, well, well.
What a delicious little
twist to our story!
Apparently, your
guy's guy is a girl.
Excuse me while I pause
for a hearty laugh.
(LAUGHING LOUDLY)
Honey!
Hey!
Andy's taking us all to PJ
O'Tuttlepool's for your birthday.
(SIGHING) Honey...
Oh, come on, honey,
I didn't mean to hurt you.
Look, I was just
mad about the dryer
and then I found out you were
hiding all that stuff...
(STAMMERING)
And so I deceived you.
Yeah.
I'm not mad about
you deceiving me.
I've deceived you so many
times, I guess I was due.
Jim...
(JIM SIGHS)
Can I ask you a question?
No.
Why is it you
shut down around me,
but you can pour your heart out to
some total stranger on the Internet?
'Cause it wasn't a stranger.
He was my friend.
And you know me, I don't
got that many guy friends.
Oh, God, that is not true!
Come on.
What? You got Andy.
And... And the cheese sample
guy at the supermarket.
Ray?
Yeah.
Honey, I just small talk with him
while I'm eating the cheese.
When the cheese
is gone, so am I.
Honey, what do you
want me to do?
I don't know.
I miss Charlie.
Jim! You don't have to.
Charlie's right here.
It's a little different.
How?
Well, Charlie's got boobs now.
(LAUGHS) Well, honey,
come on, just ignore 'em.
(SIGHS) Okay, okay, look.
All right, how about this?
Talk to me like
I'm Charlie. Okay?
Just look me right in the eye.
The eyes, Jim.
Hi.
Hi.
You got blue eyes!
Oh!
They're really pretty.
(LAUGHS) Thank you.
Nice skin that blends right into your
neck and goes right back where...
Oh, will you stop it?
(GRUNTS)
Whoo!
Yeah, that was a lucky sh*t.
Oh, oh, really?
You think so?
You couldn't make that
again in a million years.
Okay, how about this?
If I make it again,
you have to forgive me.
(STAMMERING) And what
happens if you don't?
Well, you still
have to forgive me.
No, uh-uh.
And you have to wear my underwear
on your head when we go out.
Oh, God, that's so ridiculous!
I'm not doing that!
Oh, yeah? Charlie A
would take that bet.
(SIGHS)
So, in this application, can I
put you down as a reference?
Yeah, um, I don't think so.
(ANDY GRUNTING
PLAYFULLY)
(KYLE COOS)
All right, hey, are we
ready for O'Tutt's?
Almost.
What are you doing?
(SIGHS)
At least they're dry.
(CHUCKLES)
Come on.