I hate corn.
Oh, honey. Come on.
Just try a bite.
But I hate it.
Come on, honey.
Corn is fun. Watch.
(CHEWING LOUDLY)
Ding!
(LAUGHING)
Ding!
What are you doing?
I'm pretending
I'm a typewriter.
Yeah.
Ding!
What's a typewriter?
Well, it's like an
old-fashioned computer.
CHERYL: Yeah.
Oh! I still hate corn.
Honey, we know.
You sound like a broken record.
What's a record?
(EXCLAIMS)
Oh, baby!
And don't let Ruby run around the park
too much or she'll get overheated.
I got it.
Okay and these are antiseptic wipes,
Band-Aids, and here's sunscreen.
Okay. And where's the plastic
bubble you keep Ruby in?
Okay, you know what? Three kids.
No kids. Enough said.
Oh, really? Okay.
Stretch marks. No stretch marks.
Enough said.
Hey, Aunt Dana.
Hey! Hey, sweetie.
You ready to go?
Yeah.
All right.
Hey, this is not over.
No, but that hairdo is.
(GASPS)
Hey, back at : ?
Oh, you are the greatest.
Okay.
Thanks, honey. Bye!
(TELEVISION BLARING)
You know, you never see an
anvil in real life, do you?
Well look how
dangerous they are.
Yeah.
Hey, honey.
I was thinking.
Mother's Day is
only a week away.
Have you gotten me
anything yet?
Jim? Yeah, yeah, I'll
clean up after this.
(TURNS TELEVISION OFF)
Hey!
Hey!
Oh, come on. Hey, have you gotten
me anything for Mother's Day?
Honey, don't worry. I always get you something.
I always come through.
Well, you know, what about the
lingerie I got you last year?
From the gas station?
All right, anyway, I
know what I want. This.
What's this?
It's a pedometer.
It counts your steps.
Just hook it on
to your belt and walk.
All right. But when I give it to
you next week, act surprised.
No! It's for you.
What?
You know how the doctor said
you need to get more exercise?
The gift I want for Mother's
Day is for you to walk more.
Cheryl, I am in
the construction industry.
I am in great shape.
Oh, sweetie. What shape is that?
A circle?
Come on.
It's only , steps.
That's just , steps
a day till Mother's Day.
How far is , steps?
About five miles.
Five miles a day?
Yeah.
The girls glue macaroni on a piece
of paper, you get all weepy
and I gotta walk miles?
Honey, I love you.
I want you to be around a long, long time.
I know, but five...
Come on, sweetie. For me? For Mother's Day?
Come on, come on, come on.
All right, all right,
all right.
But just for the record,
you are not my mother.
(TELEVISION BLARING)
(SCOFFS)
Yeah, who is stupid enough to sell
that much dynamite to a coyote?
Haven't you been
watching? A pig.
(BOTH SINGING MISS MARY MACK)
Can we go play
on the monkey bars?
Oh, sweetie. I'd love to, but
these pants are dry-clean only.
OLIVIA: Ow! Ow! Ow!
Uh-oh. Let's see
what happened.
Oh, honey. It's okay.
It's just a scrape.
Hey, you know, if she
needs some Band-Aids,
I've got some in my bag here.
Oh, thank you.
I think we're okay. Oh.
Thank you.
Daddy!
Dirt is getting in my blood!
Okay. Help. Yes, please. Okay.
Oh, look at that!
Ouch, huh? Here you go.
Want to play?
Oh, I can't, sweetie, I'm helping...
Oh! You were talking to her.
Oh, you got your pants dirty.
Oh, these...
These are old rags.
Well, thanks for
helping me out there.
I'm Michael.
Dana.
Little girls
can be so dramatic.
Trust me, we can be
dramatic at any age.
(LAUGHS)
Wow, that is some fancy nail
polish you have on there.
Oh. Thank you.
My daughter picked it out.
I would have gone with something
a little more vibrant.
At the park? Never.
You don't want to look cheap.
(CHUCKLES)
Actually, I forgot to take it
off before I left the house.
Oh. I'm sure your husband's
done the same thing.
Oh, I'm not married.
Really? Boyfriend?
Nope.
Hmm. Me neither.
I mean girlfriend.
(LAUGHS)
See, I'm still getting used
to being single again.
Oh, don't worry.
It gets a lot harder.
Yeah. It's rough out there.
Mmm-hmm.
And, you know, I can't
even think about
dating someone that
doesn't have kids.
You know, they just don't
know what we go through.
You know, I should...
I should probably tell you that I...
What?
That, uh...
I'm with you %.
Because I'm a single parent, you
know, with a kid who's single.
(BOTH LAUGH)
Oh, that's great.
Oh, sh**t. I gotta get Olivia
back to her mom's. Olivia!
You know, uh, we're here every
day after work. So, um...
Maybe we'll see you again.
Okay. Maybe tomorrow, or...
Well, that would be
one of the every days.
Right. All right, I'll see
you tomorrow, Michael.
RUBY: Help! Help!
I can't get down!
I'm a mom.
Feel the burn, Jim?
Yeah.
Am I supposed to be
feeling it in my chest?
Well, as my high school football coach
used to say, "No pain, no gain."
You were in the band.
Yeah. But they practiced
right next to us, so...
Just check.
How am I doing?
Wow. We've been
walking for an hour.
You got , steps!
Yeah. Except for that's
the four-day total.
Damn!
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
How many was that?
None. You gotta be
wearing it.
Oh, forget it, Andy.
What?
Just forget it.
Oh, okay.
Is this how we're
gonna play it, huh?
No. I don't want to do it.
Yeah, this is... What's next, huh?
Leave the family?
No, Andy, it's walking. Come on.
Jim, don't give up
on your family.
Come on, I'm not giving up...
Don't give up on...
Don't make this about them.
Oh, let's do something.
(BOTH ARGUING INDISTINCTLY)
Get off of me!
Hey, that was steps.
Oh, good. You're back.
The girls are upstairs playing,
and I'm gonna take Kyle to the
pediatrician for his check-up.
Okay. Hey, let me see how
many steps you've done.
No, no. No, no, no.
(STAMMERING)
But you can take a guess.
What... Okay, four days, ,
steps a day, , steps.
(LAUGHS)
You're way off.
You're lying.
No, he's not.
Really?
Honey! I am
so proud of you.
Well, well, remember that feeling.
Get used to it.
Oh, you!
Up high, Jim.
Eye contact!
You have to have eye contact
before you throw stuff to people.
What am I supposed to do now?
She's expecting ,
steps by Mother's Day.
(DIALING)
Hey, you think she'd believe I walked
so much that this rolled over to zero?
What you need is inspiration.
Hi! Yeah, hey. Um, your yoga
classes are women-only, right?
Oh, yoga? Hey, hey, hey, hey...
Great, great.
We're gonna be walking by your
window in about a half hour.
How is the herd looking today?
Oh, please!
If you could trace this call,
you would have
caught me years ago.
Hey.
Hey.
Is that my shirt?
You want it back?
Is Cheryl here?
No.
Hmm. How about Ruby?
Yeah. She's upstairs
playing with Gracie.
Oh, okay.
You know what?
I think I might take her to the park.
Oh, why don't you take
both of them to the park?
Mmm, I don't wanna.
And why not?
Jim, come on.
They're not conjoined twins.
Let them breathe.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Wait a minute.
What?
What's going on?
(SCOFFS) Nothing.
I'll have Ruby back
in a couple hours.
Uh, uh, uh, uh...
What?
Hold on right there.
(SIGHS)
Now this is
the third time this week
you've taken only Ruby
to the park.
Now you're stealing
Ruby's artwork.
I don't know
what's going on here,
but if you're making a
buck, I want my cut.
Jim, I'm not doing anything.
Mmm-hmm. Mmm-hmm.
Spill, baby.
Okay. Ruby stays
with me.
(SIGHS)
Fine.
Uh-huh. What's up?
(SIGHS)
There's this single father at
the park that I really like.
And he kind of assumed that
Ruby was my daughter and so...
She is.
So you have deliberately
deceived someone
for your own selfish reasons?
Hmm.
I respect that.
Please don't tell Cheryl. I just...
I can't stand to hear her speech about
being the real you, you know?
It's like the push-up bra
conversation all over again.
Mmm-hmm.
Hmm. That's interesting.
You want something from me
and I want something from you.
What?
You want me to do
your walking for you?
Hey, I'm sparing you
the pain of childbirth.
Jim, this is all you've done?
Glaciers move faster than this!
Dance, monkey, dance.
And another one right here.
Bye.
Okay. : class.
Let's move!
Eye contact!
Eye contact!
Ruby! Come on,
sweetie, we gotta go.
No, no. Ruby's down
at the park with Dana.
What? She has
tumbling class.
Since when?
Only the last two years.
Any good?
No.
Well, there's $
down the drain.
Twenty-five dollars for a tumbling class
and I can't get the good bologna?
Oh...
No, no, no.
She's not missing any class.
I'm gonna go get her.
(GASPS)
What happened to the window?
Oh, um, uh...
Gracie did it.
Gracie!
(LAUGHING)
Jim! What're you
doing here?
I'm here to take Ruby.
She's got tumbling class.
No, no, no, no. Michael's not here yet.
She can miss a lesson.
Not for bucks a class!
Jim! Come on, this
is not like school
where you can take
them out for free.
Jim...
RUBY: Daddy!
That's my girl.
Come on, we got to go to tumbling class.
Jim, this isn't fair.
We had a deal.
Dana, I want my kid.
No!
I want my kid, Dana.
No! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!
Everything okay here?
Hi, Michael. Yeah. Yeah.
Everything's fine.
Um, Ruby go play with Olivia.
(STAMMERING)
So this is the famous ex?
Ex?
I thought you were
still in prison.
What?
Uh, Michael, can you
just give us a second?
Are you sure?
Yeah.
Okay.
But if there's any trouble,
I'm stepping in.
Even though he's bigger than
me and looks like a biter.
Hey, I've been
in prison, buddy.
What the hell have you
been telling this guy?
Somebody had to be the
bad guy in this divorce.
At least I said you
never hit me...sober.
(SIGHS)
Jeez, Dana,
couldn't you just say,
we married young
and drifted apart?
Jim, I'm begging you. Don't blow this for me.
I really like this guy.
Listen, we're going
on a date on Sunday.
He's taking me to brunch
at the Fairmark,
then we're gonna go for a
ride on the merry-go-round
and I'm gonna tell him
the whole truth then.
Dana, Sunday is Mother's Day.
Mother's Day?
Yes, Dana.
Oh, my God!
Oh, that's so sweet!
Oh, he wanted Ruby and I
to have a special day
so we didn't have to spend it in
our depressing government housing.
Government housing?
Well, if you paid
child support...
I was in prison!
Huh?
Dana, you cannot have
Ruby on Mother's Day.
I have to have Ruby on Mother's Day.
I'm her mother!
Okay. Now, you're
getting really weird.
This is getting creepy.
Wait... Look, come on...
Hey! Hey! Hey!
Hey! Hey! Easy!
I didn't touch her.
We're fine.
Amicable divorce.
We're fine.
Jim...
You can't.
Listen. You let
Cheryl sleep in,
I sneak Ruby out
for a couple of hours,
and then everybody wins.
Everybody wins?
(SIGHS)
Fine. I'll give
you the money
for Ruby's tumbling
class that she missed.
What? You think I'm in the
business of renting my kids out?
A hundred bucks.
(SCOFFS)
Plus, I'll throw in
, extra steps.
Well, I'd be stupid
not to take that.
What a jerk!
Yeah.
I don't pay
any attention to him.
JIM: Hey, sweetheart,
keep those legs moving.
I want , by Sunday.
He thinks I'm a little chunky.
Okay, okay.
Now, do you understand how
we play this little game?
Yeah. It's Mother's Day, so I
call all the ladies "Mommy."
Very good.
Now, remember, if you do a
good job with the game,
I'm gonna give you
a whole dollar.
Can I get a lollipop, too?
All right. But it's gonna
come out of your dollar.
Hi, Mommy!
Oh, perfect.
Oh, my God!
What is she wearing?
What? That's fine.
Jim, I did not walk all night to
have my daughter leave this house
looking like a stolen car!
Well, why don't you just go wake up
Cheryl and have her change Ruby?
She's awake.
What's going on?
Oh, my God.
Cheryl!
Cheryl...
Oh! You're gonna ruin the
big Mother's Day surprise.
Yes!
All right, nobody come out now!
We're sticking
with the original plan!
(SHUSHING)
All right, why is Ruby
dressed like this?
Because Mommy's taking
me out to breakfast.
Mommy?
Okay. Sweetie, well, why
don't you go inside?
Okay.
So, who wants to go first?
Hmm...
How about...
How about the one
my daughter calls Mommy
wearing my husband's pedometer?
(CHUCKLING NERVOUSLY)
Okay. Um...
Okay, Cheryl, you know how sometimes
you meet a really cute guy
and you lie about your age?
Well, that's all I did except
I threw in a daughter.
Ah.
Dana!
Oh, except I told the truth
about my age, so points for me.
There you go.
All right. But why is she
wearing your pedometer?
And why are you
wearing my robe?
This is my robe!
Well, I think you've answered
your own question then!
Jim!
What?
I did his walking for him
in exchange for Ruby.
(CHERYL GASPS)
I don't believe you.
That was supposed to be my Mother's Day gift!
Well, I got bucks, too.
You rented our daughter?
Well, it's not like your high morals
are bringing any money into our house.
I'm sorry, Cheryl.
I don't know what I was thinking.
Oh, Dana. Sweetie,
you don't have to lie.
When are you ever gonna learn that true love...
(GROANS) Okay!
Here we go! Okay!
The wise and perfect Cheryl's
gonna judge me again.
Honey, I'm not judging you.
And I wouldn't have to if you
weren't afraid to be yourself.
Cheryl, you don't know what it's like.
You're not still single.
You have the luxury of being yourself
because you married beneath you.
No offense, Jim.
None taken.
I married up.
Dana, you've got to
stop trying to be me.
If you keep trying to be Cheryl,
you know who you're gonna attract?
Jim!
Accept no substitutes.
You know what I think?
I think you love it when I screw up.
Because then you can get on your high
horse and wag your little finger at me.
That is so not true!
(STAMMERING) You keep saying...
See? Finger!
Oh...
No, that's a finger.
Well, you know what?
You won. I lost.
You are right again.
Yeah.
(SCOFFS)
Okay, great. Well, consider it
my Mother's Day present to you.
Eye contact!
Everyone in your family throws
things without eye contact.
Oh, look at this.
Wow, she walked
the whole miles.
She walked miles
for this guy?
Yeah. You know what?
He was a pretty good guy, too.
You should have seen the way he stood
up against her, like, jerk ex-husband.
What ex-husband?
Me, Cheryl.
Keep up. Keep up.
Okay. So, who are you?
Well, um...
I'm neurotic.
I'm a little insecure
and totally snore.
I have a little bit of a shoe
habit, but it's under control.
Mostly. Okay,
not at all.
Oh, and I'm unemployed.
Well, I think you left out
smart, funny, and beautiful.
Well, you didn't let me finish.
(LAUGHS)
Dana, here's your little Ruby.
Hi!
She wanted to be with her
real mom on Mother's Day.
I'm her stepmom.
Try following that act.
Cheryl...
You know, I tried to buy her love
with gifts and toys, but
she would have none of it.
You raised her too well.
I told Michael the truth.
Oh?
Oh!
Well, how was I?
Because I did some acting in high school.
I'm Cheryl, Dana's sister.
Nice to meet you.
Yeah. You, too.
Well, Ruby, why don't we go?
So, uh, Jim's really your...
Yeah.
But he's so...
I know.
And you're so...
Thank you.
All right, buddy.
Showtime.
What's Andy doing with Kyle?
Would you stop
renting our kids?
Well, doesn't look like Dana's in the fetal
position, so I guess everything's okay?
Yeah.
Are you okay?
Yeah.
Good.
All right, well,
let's go home then.
The girls really want to make their jelly
bean omelet for Mother's Day for you.
Oh! Jellybean omelet!
Mmm-hmm.
Great. Let's go.
Oh, come on.
I'm kidding, Mom.
We'll have our table
in a minute.
Really?
Yeah.
Oh!
On one condition.
What?
That I walk home.
Deal.
Cheryl, Cheryl,
that's miles.
Don't you know an empty
gesture when you hear one?
Oh, honey.
You don't have to walk anymore.
Really?
No.
Don't you know an empty
gesture when you hear one?
(LAUGHS)
Well, I just want you to
know, for Father's Day,
I want a real present.
Fine, honey. We'll stop at a
gas station on the way home.
(LAUGHS SARCASTICALLY)
Is that us?
Thank you.