What the hell?
You locked out?
Nah.
You waiting on a pizza?
Would I be upset
if I was waiting on a pizza?
Oh, god. Oh, god.
Oh. Cheryl threw you out.
I knew it was coming.
It's all right. It's all right.
You can come stay with me.
Yeah,
I got a room all set up.
But if you bring a lady home,
use the back door.
Cheryl's still my sister.
We don't want
to rub her face in it.
No, that's not why
I'm out here.
I miss Dana.
You and Dana?
I did not see that coming.
Oh. Didn't you
see this coming?
Ow! Oh!
I don't miss her
like that.
Oh!
I miss her
living around here.
Ever since she and Ryan
moved to L.A.,
Cheryl doesn't have anybody
to unload her girl talk with.
Oh.
Someone's
got a new best girlfriend.
Aah! Oh!
Knock it off!
Yesterday--yesterday,
I had to talk to her
about two different shades
of lipstick--
"toast of New York"
and "smoky Rose."
And guess
which one she bought.
Well, given her complexion,
I'd go with the smoky--
neither!
Half the conversations
we have are about
what she could have bought
but didn't.
Oh.
So you sneak out here to savor
a little peace and quiet.
Exactly...
Or freeze to death.
And quite frankly, it'd be
a lot quicker and painless
than to listen to one
of Cheryl's epic tales.
Well, hey, buddy, I'm always
up for a little porch time.
And even if Cheryl
figures out you're here,
I'll just hang around.
She can chew my ear
for a while.
Really?
Well, sure. Anything
for my best porch buddy.
- Andy.
- Coming!
Oh!
Now she's gonna find us.
Uh, not us, you.
See ya, buddy.
Come here. Get back here.
Come here. Andy!
♪♪♪
So long story short, I was
finally able to parallel park,
and everything
turned out fine.
That's great, Cheryl.
But isn't that really
long story long?
Oh. You wouldn't believe
what Gordon pooped today.
Okay, Cheryl, hit me.
What did Gordon poop today?
Well, you know, honestly,
I wouldn't even know
how to describe the color.
Toasty Rose?
Smoke of New York?
You know,
let's get back to that.
Do you remember
those snowman dishtowels
I wanted to buy,
but I didn't?
I tried to forget,
but I couldn't.
You know what? It's easier
if I show you the catalog.
Hey, dad.
Hey, Kyle, come here.
Hey!
Son, there you are.
Why don't you sit on daddy's lap
and keep him company?
No way.
Oh. Come on.
Mommy's telling stories.
You married her.
Santa is
gonna remember that.
Let him listen to her.
Okay, I found it.
All right, look, honey. See?
Both dishtowels
match the table runner,
but one has fringe
and one doesn't.
So I'm stuck.
You and me both.
Hey.
Hi.
Oh, thank god you're here.
Hey. What are you guys
doing here?
Who cares? They're here.
Oh!
Oh, i-i-i got your message, Jim.
What's the big emergency?
Oh, well, it's a, you know,
work-related thing,
and I didn't want to bore Cheryl
with the details.
Then why did you have Andy
bring me over?
Well, you know what?
I love to watch his face
light up whenever you're around.
Oh, Jim,
that is so sweet.
Yeah. Okay. Seen it. Bye.
Work in the kitchen.
Andy, in the kitchen.
Oh, uh, Cheryl,
why don't you tell Emily about
that thing you were telling me
about that thing
you were telling me?
So--so what's
the big emergency?
Oh, god. Is this about
the money from the grunyon job?
I swear I'll repay
every cent.
What are you talking about?
Nothing. Uh, so what's up?
All right.
I wanted you and your girlfriend
to come over here
so Emily can soak up some
of the girl talk from Cheryl.
I figure
she's having sex with you,
so she already knows
what boredom is.
Hey! I'm a very creative lover.
I do voices...
And an erotic puppet show.
Andy,
as far as I'm concerned,
Emily is replacing Dana.
They're gonna be
new best friends.
Jim, Jim, you can't
just wave a magic wand
and force two people that
don't really like each other
to be best friends.
Why not?
Cheryl did that with us.
But you liked me.
Oh, yeah. Yeah.
You were way more fun than
my old best friend, Danny,
who was a crooked cop,
had cubs season tickets
and access
to the evidence room.
Danny, huh?
Danny, Danny, Danny.
Wait. What--what?
I hate Danny.
What you hate him for?
He's a good guy.
Oh, really?
Yeah.
Does he have a-a guest room
waiting for you
with a cold beer
and a free puppet show?
No. No.
But I did have my own bunk
at his riverboat strip club.
Damn it!
Come on. Look it.
The point is that the reason
we're best friends
is because
you're the only one around.
And if Emily hangs out
with Cheryl
because you're
hanging out with me,
hippo fatso,
they're new best friends.
Oh. Oh, look at that.
They're getting along
pretty good.
Oh, great.
I don't have to suffer
through another conversation
about poop or nail Polish.
I want you
to know, for the record,
the second time we hung out,
I showed you my panini maker,
and you loved it.
You're kidding me, right?
Danny was shaking down half
the pizza parlors in Chicago.
We ate like kings.
Damn it!
What's this?
Swatches?
Swatches?
I hate swatches.
Mom said she wanted to have
some holiday throw pillows made.
Holiday throw pillows?
What the hell's
going on here?
You married her.
Oh! Oh! Come on.
I hate this!
She said she wanted to show
these fabric swatches to Emily.
I love this.
Fantastic.
Emily's coming over, huh?
Well, you know what, girls?
Uh, Emily is now
mommy's new best friend,
so act like little girls
that people want to be around.
Hey.
Hey. Wait. Wait. Whoa.
Where's Emily?
Oh, she's kinda got a bug.
She's not coming over.
No!
If she's not here,
who's gonna discuss swatches
with Cheryl?
Hey!
Come back here.
I-I can't do anything
about her being sick.
You know what?
I'm starting not to like Emily.
Dana never got sick
like this.
Or maybe she did,
and I just
never paid attention.
Oh. All right, Jim.
I'm not gonna lie to you like
Danny probably would have.
Lay off Danny.
Emily thinks Cheryl's
a fine human being,
but she didn't really enjoy
being alone with her
the other night.
Emily's not sick?
Oh, she's sick...
Of Cheryl.
You know, Danny's girlfriend
loves Cheryl.
She writes to her every week
from prison.
Look, Jim, I'm sorry.
Emily and Cheryl
just didn't click.
They--they don't have
anything in common.
Oh, come on. They're women.
They've got ovaries and mouths.
What more do they need?
You know what?
I think it's Emily.
Maybe she's not good
at talking to people.
What are you saying?
I don't know. Maybe she's nuts.
I mean, look who she's dating.
Well, she talks to her friend
Tammy all the time.
Tammy?
Yeah.
Well, who is Tammy?
She's, uh,
Emily's best friend.
Andy,
you're k*lling me here!
What?
I need to know these things.
If Emily's
got a best friend,
then she's already getting
her dose of girl talk.
Oh. So when she sees Cheryl,
the t*nk's already full.
Yeah.
That could be the problem.
It's clear
what we have to do.
Tammy's gotta go.
Jim...
m*rder seems
a little drastic.
Andy.
Oh, right.
Danny wouldn't be such a baby.
Fine. We'll k*ll her,
but we're taking your car.
You know, for the record,
I had a best friend
long before you ever showed up.
Oh, really?
What's his name?
Mom.
How can your mom
be your best friend?
You took her to the prom,
and she went home
with another guy.
Hey, guys.
Oh. Hey. How are you?
Hey. Hey.
Mwah.
Oh. Mwah.
Thank you.
So nice that you could come,
Emily. Thank you.
Yeah. Well,
it's no problem.
Andy, your message
was a little weird.
Uh...
Well, it's--it's because...
What we have to tell you
is a-a little weird.
I just feel dirty.
Oh, honey, what happened?
Um...
Well...
Somebody made a clumsy
and unwelcome pass at Andy.
It was
your so-called friend Tammy.
You told me you'd
never say that name again.
Come on. Be strong.
Wait a second. Tam-Tammy?
My Tammy made a pass at you?
Yeah.
When and where
did this happen?
Yesterday
and on his behind.
I was at the mall,
just trying to be friendly.
Five seconds later,
her hands were everywhere,
and I'm thinking--
ooh! Cheery cobbler samples.
This is my lucky day...
Except for the bad touching.
It's so weird that
she would make a pass at you,
because she tried for so long
to talk me out of dating you.
Right. Right. Right.
Well, that's where it started.
She had her eyes on Andy
the whole time.
She was laying down
the groundwork from square one.
Evil.
She stole my smile!
Easy, Daisy Mae.
Easy.
You know what? I'm gonna
call Tammy right now.
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Why would you do that?
She's just gonna deny it.
I mean,
what you need right now
is another woman
to talk this through,
not that--that slut,
boyfriend-stealing Tammy.
Well, I could call Linda.
She's not a... slut.
Who's Linda?
Her other friend.
Two friends?
Who's got two friends?
Oh, wait. She's on vacation.
Well, you know wh--you know who
would be great to talk to?
Hmm?
Cheryl.
Really?
Yeah! Yeah. I mean,
uh, she's a good listener,
she gives great advice,
and she won't have
wandering hands with this one.
You know what? That sounds
like a really good idea.
Yeah.
Yeah. When's a good time
for me to come over?
Well, I get off work
around : ,
so : , : ?
Jeez, Jim.
Emily and Cheryl
have been yapping at each other
for over an hour.
Yeah. We're home free.
They're best friends,
and I'll never have
to talk to my wife again.
Now when we come over,
I can hang with you
while Cheryl talks to Emily.
It's like my old life,
but when we get home,
I get a little lovin'.
Yeah,
and no talking afterwards,
because everything's
been said to somebody else.
Oh, Jim.
You plus Emily equals
the perfect girlfriend.
Back up a little bit.
Oh, my god!
Here comes Emily.
Okay, uh,
move away from the door.
Okay, um...
Um, um...
Let's just act naturally.
Act natural? What does--
what does that mean?
Let's arm wrestle. That's it.
Hurry. Come on. Come on.
Oh, you're strong.
Oh.
Hey, guys.
What are you doing?
Just a little arm wrestling.
Totally natural.
No!
Oh!
Well, Andy,
that's ten in a row.
Oh, okay.
Andy, can we go home now?
Wait. Wait. So--so--
so what happened?
Uh, how was your talk with
Cheryl about Andy and Tammy?
Don't say that name.
I was tampered with.
Actually, I didn't get a chance
to bring it up.
What? Why not?
Well, because
she showed me some poop,
and then she was
off to the races.
Oh, god. God. Listen. Uh,
why don't you come back tomorrow
and--and--and finish
your talk?
No way. I'm done.
Oh. Done? You see,
that's the way Cheryl is.
She likes to talk one day
and let you talk the next day.
Oh. Oh, look.
My friend, the back door.
Gonna use it.
There you go.
Curses!
Oh.
I'm sorry, buddy.
I'll be thinking about you
when I'm getting busy
with my girl.
You know what I mean.
Oh, jeez.
When I first got married
and I said "I do,"
I thought that was
the last time I was gonna talk.
And then I thought,
I am not paying that
for a cheese slicer.
But then I looked closer,
and I realized it's a slicer
and a grater and a cuber.
So then I thought,
I have to buy it.
But then I didn't.
That's it!
That is it, Cheryl.
Cheryl, i--
come here. Come here.
I have to have
a serious talk with you.
Oh. It's the slicer.
I should have bought it, right?
No. Cheryl.
Cheryl, I don't want you to take
this the wrong way, all right?
But for the last couple
of weeks,
I just can't make myself care
about a single word you say.
Jim, that--that
doesn't seem very nice.
Don't talk.
You're gonna lose me.
Go ahead.
Then I realized...
That it wasn't my fault
that I didn't care.
It's your fault.
You've become
really, really boring.
You're right.
You're right.
I-I am--
I am really... boring.
My god. I-I spent three months
at my mother's,
six months on bed rest
and--and six months with babies.
I-I've completely forgotten
how to talk to... people.
Jim?
Jim?
Oh.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. What?
I did it again.
Cheryl,
you can't stop doing it.
Why do you think Emily
just ran out of here screaming?
Oh, my god.
I bored her, too?
You know what, Cheryl?
I think Dana was
a better person than I knew.
She actually liked
talking to you.
Yeah.
Or she moved away
because of you.
Look, Jim, h-help--
help me be more interesting.
I mean, I-I used to
be interesting, right?
Probably.
I mean, I just
can't remember a specific...
To be honest with you,
I was just staring at your chest
most of the time.
Is that the secret? M-maybe
sh-should I lose a button?
Well, it couldn't hurt.
I mean, you'd get me back.
I can't speak for Emily.
What am I gonna do?
I need a new best friend
who doesn't think I'm boring.
Cheryl, we're gonna have
to re-socialize you.
I can help you with that.
Here's the first thing.
You gotta stop talking
about the kids.
But they're so interesting.
You're right.
They're boring.
We should have stopped
after Ruby.
Oh, my pants are buzzing.
That's either a text
or those buttons are working.
Oh, it's Andy.
"Red alert. Red alert."
What does that mean?
I don't know. It's either
about communism or hot sauce.
I just got off the phone
with Tammy.
Oh, red alert.
What's going on?
Emily, don't be mad.
I can explain.
I have a best friend
named Tammy.
Jim and Andy told me
that Tammy made a pass at Andy.
Tammy just told me
that she's been in bed
all week with the flu.
All right, you two.
What's going on?
Um...
Well, what do you mean?
Act natural.
All right, knock it off.
I can smell one of
your dopey schemes a mile away.
All I know is that Tammy
told me that she didn't even--
hang on. I got this.
Okay.
You're right.
We should have k*lled Tammy.
I told you.
All right,
here's what went down.
Dana, my sister
and best friend--
she's moved away.
I have been boring Jim
with poop talk.
Andy has no self-esteem,
so he does whatever Jim says.
And Jim remembered
that when we started dating,
I ordered him
to be friends with Andy.
He liked me.
I made panini.
Shove it. I want to see
what she's doing here.
Okay.
Jim convinced Andy to tell you
that Tammy hit on him
so you would dump her
and be best friends with me,
solving everybody's problems.
You know,
assuming you're an idiot.
Well, forgive me
for trying to save our marriage.
All right, here we go.
It's true.
It's true. It's true.
You were trying
to make me your best friend
and talk about poops
and nail Polish and swatches.
Well, I'm gonna tell ya,
that's not a husband's job.
That's a girlfriend's job.
What?
Hang on. Big finish.
That's right,
and you know what?
You're, uh, totally on your way
to ruining our sexual polarity.
Okay, I gotta ask.
What is sexual polarity?
I don't know. Most of the time,
I just sort of tune him out.
Yeah. I try and do that,
but sometimes the only way
to get Andy to shut up
is to just
get him into bed.
Why do you think
I have five kids?
What's happening?
A friendship,
a beautiful friendship.
I gotta say, this is
completely fascinating.
Fascinating? Ha ha ha!
That's a long way
from being boring, Cheryl.
Oh, my god. You're right.
I'm talking to a grown-up.
You're welcome.
Emily, come on into the kitchen.
I'll make some coffee.
You got some more stories
about these two being monkeys?
I've got stories
about them smuggling monkeys.
Ah, screw the coffee.
I'm gonna need wine.
Wine, just like Dana.
Yeah.
Yes!
Finally!
All right!
All right, Andy.
Now we can sit around
and, you know, do more
interesting manly stuff.
Mm-hmm.
Hey, did I tell you about
the great poop I had yesterday?
Yes...
But it doesn't mean I don't
want to hear about it again.