Hello, friend!
Who wants a hug?
Andy, have you been painting
in an unventilated room again?
I'm in love, James.
Oh!
I got the world on a string.
Well, why don't you wrap it
around your neck?
It's my Mandy.
I'm head over heels.
I've even written her a poem.
Tell me what you think.
I love you, Mandy,
from your man Andy.
You're sweet as candy
on ocean or dry landy.
I think you're just dandy.
I love walking with you
hand in handy.
Don't you miss
Jessica tandy?
Hmm? Hmm?
What do you think?
I think it's you
I can't standy.
♪♪♪
No, no, no, no. You've only
known Mandy for two weeks.
You can't go buying her
diamond earrings like this.
It's her birthday.
I want to knock her socks off.
Well, then buy her socks!
Okay, if not
diamond earrings, what, huh?
I don't care. Just--
I need your help.
I'll do whatever you say.
Guide me, master.
Fine. Fine.
Sit down.
You know what?
I should charge you for this,
but I'm gonna give it
to you for free.
You're the best.
No, wait a minute.
Give me a dollar.
Seriously?
Yeah, give me a dollar.
Go to hell.
Well, who needs a girl
when you got your mom?
Fine. Here.
Here's your stupid dollar.
Sit down.
Thank you.
Here's the thing.
Most guys in a new relationship
make the mistake of thinking
a good gift
is an expensive gift.
That's it?
That's your advice?
No, that's what
you're doing wrong.
If you want advice,
that's another dollar.
Go to hell.
Fine, change your own diapers
when you're .
Fine!
And damn you to hell.
Thank you.
Okay. Anybody can do
an expensive gift.
What you should be looking for
is a meaningful gift.
You mean cheap?
It can be cheap
if things line up right.
Come here.
Here's the thing.
The gift women really love
is the gift that says,
"I listen to you."
Okay. Okay. I-I can see
the beauty of that, Jim.
But here's the thing--
I don't listen to Mandy.
What do you mean?
You're with her all the time.
I know, but every time
I'm with her,
the only thing I hear is
this voice inside my head
saying, "please don't leave me.
Please don't leave me.
Please don't leave me."
Well, Andy, sounds like
you need advanced lessons.
Whew, yeah.
No, no, no, no!
I am desperate!
All right.
On our tenth anniversary,
I gave Cheryl
a Teddy bear cookie jar
that looked just like the one
she had when
she was growing up.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
I don't remember us having
a Teddy bear cookie jar.
Neither did Cheryl...
Until I gave her one.
Then suddenly,
she remembered.
She cried
and gave me a backrub.
Ohh.
I could use a backrub
or one of those
hot stone massages.
Oh! It's how the Indians
have relaxed for centuries.
Andy, Andy.
What I realized a little later
was that wasn't
Cheryl's story at all.
I was thinking about
the cookie jar
on "the Andy Griffith show."
So you told Cheryl
you made a mistake, right?
No.
See, Andy,
women are so desperate
to believe that their men
are listening to them
that they'll buy
into anything.
So just buy Mandy a gift,
make up a story.
Ah, that sounds
a little dishonest.
Andy,
it is totally dishonest.
You have to understand
we're selling feelings,
not the truth.
Oh, no, no, no.
I'm not following, Jim.
Well, i-it's kind of like
when Mandy says
you look great
without your shirt on.
Oh! Mm-hmm.
Right?
You know it's not the truth,
but you love hearing it.
All I hear is,
"please don't leave me,
please don't leave me,
please don't leave me."
Hey, you know what?
You know what, Mandy?
I-I cannot wait anymore.
I want to give you
your birthday present.
Oh!
Hey! Happy birthday.
You are gonna love it.
Oh, I'm so excited. Mwah!
Mm.
Mmm! I put an extra little bit
of the ol' ticker into this one.
Hee hee!
Oh. A Chinese checkers set.
Huh.
Yeah.
So what do you think?
I think
it's a Chinese checkers set.
Or is it a vintage
Chinese checkers set
exactly like the one
you and your favorite babysitter
used to play with?
I never played
Chinese checkers in my life.
I actually find it
a bit r*cist.
Uh... uh, no, no,
of course you did.
Um, you told me
on our third date.
Drinks at the Palmer house.
You had a Tom Collins.
I had a cosmo.
This gift says, "I listen."
Whoo, got a--got a hell
of a kink right here.
What was
the babysitter's name?
Eleanor.
Eleanor what?
Rigby.
No, wait. Roosevelt.
No, wait. Robinson.
N-not Eleanor. Jackie.
Yes, that's right.
My babysitter was
Jackie Robinson, and she broke
the Chinese checkers barrier
in my house.
So it's coming back to you.
Andy, you obviously heard
this story from another woman,
you know,
probably that whack job Emily.
I knew you weren't
over her yet.
No, baby, baby,
please, please!
You and me,
we're fo' reals, huh?
No, no. I haven't been engaged
to Emily for days.
This is the most insensitive
gift I have ever gotten.
No, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no!
No! Um, no, there--
there's no other girl.
No one told me this story.
I made the whole thing up.
You did what?
I want--i wanted to give you
something really, really
meaningful,
but I couldn't think
of anything.
- So I made up...
- Oh, Jim...
I made up a stupid story
that has absolutely
nothing to do with you.
You made
the whole thing up?
I cannot believe
you would sink that low.
I mean, is it really
that hard to give me a gift
based on who I am?
Can i--can I just say
one more thing in my defense?
Go ahead.
Please don't leave me!
Please don't leave me!
Please don't leave me!
I can't stay for dinner.
Wait--wait a minute.
You can't barge in here
without knocking first.
What if I was nude?
I knocked the last time,
and you were nude.
Well, I thought
you were the mailman.
We got this running joke.
I don't think
he gets it, though.
I'm not staying for dinner
because I'm very upset
with Andy.
But I did bring you
three bean salad.
Oh, wow, look at that.
Nice work. Okay, see ya.
Wait. What happened?
Andy gave me
these Chinese checkers
for my birthday, told me
I played it as a kid,
but it was just some
stupid story he made up.
That's weird.
I mean, uh,
why would he do that?
Huh.
I guess we'll never know.
See ya.
No, no.
I know what happened.
You do?
Yeah. It's all your fault.
How would you know that?
Because you always get me
such great anniversary gifts,
and Andy is trying
to compete with you.
That's how you know that.
Of course.
Mm.
You can't give Andy a hard time
because I set the bar so high.
I mean, he's tryin'.
Well, I guess his heart
was in the right place.
Absolutely.
Don't punish him because
he's not as classy as moi.
Oh, come on.
See ya.
Jim's really
a good gift giver?
Oh, the best.
Oh, I wouldn't expect that.
Oh, yeah. He gets these--
these simple, inexpensive gifts
that always have
a thoughtful story behind 'em.
He remembers every detail.
Really? Jim?
Yeah. He remembers stories
I don't even remember telling.
Oh, honey.
Crap!
I knew I never wanted
wooden shoes as a kid.
Kidney, garbanzo, green.
Kidney, garbanzo, green.
Kidney, garbanzo, green.
Hey, this Mandy can cook.
Yeah, you know,
speaking of Mandy,
our conversation last night
got me thinkin'.
Yeah?
You know, you always
get me such meaningful,
emotional gifts
for our anniversary.
Mm-hmm.
And this year I wanted
to do that for you.
Well, that's gonna be
kind of hard, Cheryl.
I don't really have
any meaningful emotions.
It was tough, but I think
I found the perfect gift,
and it is waiting for you
in the living room.
Come on! You installed
a toilet next to the couch?
Oh, this is gonna be
a great anniversary.
I know, it is, it is!
Come on. What did you get me?
What did you get me?
Where the hell's
my big-screen TV?
I replaced it with this
super spectrum astrotron...
In living color.
♪ Ta-da
remember?
It's exactly like the one
you used to watch
with your uncle.
When you were a kid,
you used to stay up late
and watch
the blackhawks games.
I don't remember watching
any hockey with any uncle.
Oh, sure you do.
You told me about it
on our third date.
I mean, I wouldn't make
something like that up.
You'd have to be
a pretty horrible person
to do something like that.
So, Jim, is there something
you'd like to tell me?
Yes.
Yes, Cheryl.
I love this TV!
Oh, wow, look at that!
What a great gift, honey.
Hey,
will you look at that?
All three channels!
Oh, this is so great,
I feel like my--
my uncle is here with me.
My uncle, uh,
what was his name?
Bite me.
Yeah.
Yeah, uncle bite me,
who was married
to my aunt cram it.
Would you stop it?
All right. All right,
you got me, all right?
Maybe I fudged a few details
on a couple of anniversaries.
No, Jim, eight anniversaries.
Eight!
Eight? It was no eight! What are
you talking about--eight?
Yeah, eight.
Yeah, but out of --
.
, right.
You told me that my mom and I
used to drink cocoa
out of a mug like this
after we'd go ice skating.
Oh, Cheryl, that is
such a beautiful story.
I'm getting all choked up.
You lied!
Oh, Cheryl--
and this stupid thing--
sheep on wheels?!
Stupid?!
Do you know how hard it is
to find a sheep on wheels?
I mean, you can
find a pig on wheels,
but try coming up
with a story on that.
And my personal favorite--
the wood plane.
A wood plane, Jim?
Cheryl, Cheryl, if we
didn't have that wood plane,
these wooden shoes
wouldn't have fit right.
You suck.
Okay, Cheryl,
to be fair here, okay,
if you would have caught me
with that cookie jar,
the other seven lies
wouldn't have happened.
Kind of rests
on your shoulders, too, babe.
This is my fault?
Yeah. You know what?
You even admitted to it.
When?
Well, we had been dating
for about six months.
We're having drinks
at the Palmer house,
and you said
if you ever have to lie--
oh, my god!
You're doing it now!
You caught me.
See? We're progressing.
We have
a growing relationship.
Fine. I'm gonna go grow
in the kitchen.
Wait, Cheryl, stop.
Before you go,
can you flip it over to ?
Oh!
Ah.
So tell me again
how much you love
those diamond earrings.
Ooh, I love
my new diamond earrings.
Ha ha ha!
I knew you would, baby.
Diamonds don't need a story.
Okay, you can go get those
hot stones out of the oven now.
Okay. Are you sure this is
how they do this?
Oh, yeah.
It's an old Indian ritual
dating back a thousand years.
Of course, they didn't have
the convection oven.
I know, but an hour at ?
Just do it.
I gave you earrings!
Aah!
Get--take 'em off!
Take 'em off!
Oh! Ooh! Aah! Aah!
Are you okay?
I, uh,
i-i-i think I'll be all right.
Well, I hope so, because later
I wanted to thank you properly
for my new earrings.
I'm fine.
Uh, I'll be great.
Hey, what are you cookin'
in here--burgers?
Honey, let me go get you
some ointment, okay? Mwah.
Oh. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
♪ I'm tappin' that
I thought you were
in the doghouse.
Oh, I bought her diamonds, Jim.
I can do no wrong.
Diamonds.
I can listen, not listen,
call her by the wrong name.
All she hears is,
"look at me sparkle."
Andy, I really need you--
can you put those cows
back in the barn?
Look, you really
screwed me up with Cheryl.
How is that my fault?
Because your lies sucked,
and that screwed up
my brilliant lies.
You know what, Jim?
What?
Hmm?
Andy, please, put it away!
Why don't you buy your wife
something nice
instead of taking
the easy way out?
Easy?
You think it's easy
coming up with convincing lies
and sticking to 'em
for all these years?
Nothing in here is easy!
Jim, I'm all blissed out
from my massage.
You're kind of
harshing my rub.
Fine. I'll figure out
something for myself.
Mm. Be cool, bro.
Hey, bro,
thanks for the help.
This TV sucks.
I hate teaching Jim lessons.
Hello, my dear wife.
Happy anniversary.
What's this?
Irregular socks?
Did my feet grow to
different sizes when I was ?
No.
This is a real gift
from a real store,
not from some guy on the corner
selling rugs or day-old meat--
which, by the way,
I got dinner covered.
Happy anniversary.
Jim!
Oh, my god.
Diamond earrings?
Mm-hmm.
And the only story
that goes with that
is that they were
very expensive.
Oh, Jim, they're beautiful.
I love them. Thank you.
Mm-hmm. You like 'em, huh?
Oh, yes.
You sure? You sure
you want to keep 'em?
Are they from
a dead person?
No, Cheryl. You know I've
been banned from the morgue.
Then I wanna keep 'em.
Hold on to that thought.
Would you like
to keep these diamonds...
That you have no emotional
connection to whatsoever?
Or would you rather have
this mug in my hand?
What are you doing?
I'm giving you a choice--
expensive,
meaningless earrings,
inexpensive,
meaningful mug.
What's so meaningful
about that?
You got it free when
we opened a checking account.
Yes, but then you started
using this mug every morning
to drink your tea.
And I remember
you telling me
that you were pregnant
with Kyle
while drinking
out of this mug.
Oh, my god.
You're not making that up.
No, because I remember hoping
that you were making that up.
So? What's it gonna be?
Earrings, mug? Earrings, mug?
Earrings, mug?
Um--
wait, wait, wait, wait!
Before you decide,
if you take this mug,
I will throw in for free...
Sheep on wheels.
Don't you remember,
Kyle picked this up
and uttered his first words?
"Doggy."
Okay, okay. I-I get it.
We built a lifetime of memories
on your foundation of lies.
No, Cheryl. We built
a lifetime of memories on my--
oh, you do get it.
Cheryl, I know I may be
different than other men,
but I certainly
am not boring.
No, honey,
you're not boring.
In fact, you sparkle, which is
what makes these so meaningful.
It's like they're
a reflection of you.
Cheryl, all I did was go
to a mall and buy 'em.
Uh-huh.
But... but I put a lot
of thought and effort
into finding these gifts.
Uh-huh.
But I thought the most
important thing about a gift
is the time and thought
you put into it.
No, actually,
that's not as important
as how shiny they are.
In fact, the less you think,
the sexier you get to me.
Really?
Oh, yeah. If you
stop thinking altogether,
you just might get lucky.
Really?
Mm-hmm.
Oh, honey, I love these.
What do you think?
Nothing.
Hey, uh, Jim,
Mandy can't find her earrings.