02x09 - Bash

[bunniefuu]

Previously on "weeds"...

My name's not on the f*cking ballot.

I won. I f*cking won.

I never filed your intent-to-run papers.

Ow!

People seem to like what we're selling.

This sh*t is about to get wild.

It's payday!

Wait a second. I don't get paid?

Once you reimburse me for a nonrefundable year of rabbinical school, then you'll be compensated, yeah. I quit.

All of agrestic will become a drug-free zone.

I think you're turning agrestic into a police state.

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

That was awesome, shane.

I'm the new huskeroos girl.

I could put your money in a trust.

You'll need one parent to be signatory. My dad.

We're like that story, "the scorpion and the turtle."

"The scorpion and the frog."

I brought you a bean pie, heylia.

Joseph, aren't you lovely?

Heylia james? You're not gonna have to worry about her.

What?

She's being taken care of.

There's really no problem with heylia.

You got to dig the worms to catch the big fish.

Heylia's been dug up.

And I don't want to talk about this anymore.

Oh.

Would you stop doing that? It's disgusting.

I can't help it. I got gerd.

"Gerd"?

It's gastro esophageal reflux disease.

My stomach acid keeps coming up the wrong way.

So it makes me burp.

It's very uncomfortable.

Oh!

Oh, for christ's sake.

I can't sit here with you another minute.

Let's do it.

Federal agents!

Get down on the floor! Don't f*cking move!

Nobody f*cking move!

What the hell's going on?

Kindly curtail your vulgarity in our presence while the call to allah is underway.

This is a house of worship.

Where's heylia james?

We ask that you refrain from addressing our women directly.

When a sister embraces islam, it is no longer her custom to answer to men who are...

Unfamiliar.

Search the place.

That's a nice bust, scottson.

sh*t.

Do you think this is a game?

Did you tell heylia yourself?

Or did you have your boy conrad do it?

Heylia has always been straight with me.

You just wouldn't listen.

She's a drug dealer. I'm a drug dealer.

To keep the heat off of you, I have to put it on someone else.

I gave you the armenians.

I gave you the armenians!

You know, this isn't...

This is just not f*cking working.

This isn't working.

"The scorpion and the turtle."

Frog.

Well, nancy, we've tried, and I think we both know what needs to happen now.

Actually, I have no idea what needs to happen.

Why don't you tell me?

One of us has to quit her job.

Why me?

Drug dealer's not a career.

Then why do I make more money than you?

Nancy, you got into this life because you didn't have a choice.

I'm offering you another choice.

What choice? Marry me.

For real.

Mail in the marriage certificate.

Tell your kids. Be my wife.

How romantic.

Yeah, well, you're gonna have to forgive me if I'm not in the mood to spread rose petals at your feet.

I think you should go.

Well, you have a nice f*cking day.

Ouch.

Thank you.

The enemy of my enemy is my friend, sister heylia.

It's a shame.

Yes, it is.

You sure look good in white.

Well, all them rules...

Ain't no way I could keep it up for long.

Don't say "ain't." "Ain't" is a sl*ve word.

Well, I ain't no sl*ve, so I can says what I wants.

Assalamu alaikum.

Wa'alaikum salaam.

You think it's possible?

You think that a black scientist named yakub created all the white people?

Could you shut up for 10 minutes?

For 10 full minutes, I don't want to hear no noise.

Man: almost done.

It's got a five-inch-thick door, three-inch walls.

It's got six-sided protection against concentrated att*cks with mechanical and electrical tools.

We keep our ready-to-sell harvest in here.

As we rotate it out, we fill it.

No cash. No personal items.

You and me are the only people on this earth that know the combination.

Man: right. I'll show you how to set it.

You got five numbers.

Left, right, left-right, left.

Full turns in between.

You'll hear a loud click when you're done.

So, what's it gonna be?

What about 6, 2, 6, 2, 9?

What is that?

It's "nancy" if you spell it out on the telephone.

You think that sh*t is slick?

Like nobody's gonna figure that out?

And no kids' birthdays, either.

People can just look that up.

Okay.

Hi.

Hi.

You like me, don't you?

Yeah. You want me to be your girlfriend?

Yes?

I'm not gonna kiss you until I get my braces off.

And that won't be for a while, like maybe even a year.

That's okay.

Okay, then.

They're just roomier.

Did you see it? At least they got her hair right.

So, if this thing goes national, how much money are we talking?

New dishwasher? New house?

It's isabel's money.

The law in california clearly states...

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So we throw some in a college fund, but the rest is fair game, right?

After taxes, after we pay doug, and after my management fee.

Okay, fine, manager.

Can you loan me a few grand?

What for?

Clothes. I had my cancer purge.

But now I am in the public eye, and I have nothing to wear.

You want to take isabel's hard-earned dollars and blow them on glad rags for your star turn on agrestic access tv?

You bought a motorcycle and a ridiculous leather jacket.

All right. Let me think about it.

No.

Are you okay? You look a little frazzled.

I'm fine.

Who kicks ass?!

Uh, I'm guessing you.

I totally kick ass!

What does "kicking ass" entail?

A girlfriend, but that's not all.

Did a free cheese grater come with the girlfriend?

Oh, stop it.

I'm gonna be the class speaker for graduation.

Sweetie, that's fantastic.

Way to go, little man!

The whole lower school voted.

I'm gonna go start working on my speech.

Congratulations, honey.

Thanks.

Oh, are we worried?

What? About what?

That they're setting him up to laugh at him.

They're laughing with him now.

They think he's cool ever since he took up your cause.

What cause?

"Go, dr*gs! Rah, rah, rah!"

He doesn't know what I do.

You keep clinging to that raft.

Okay, this vote is on a motion by walter stringer to request a variance from zoning regulation 11.6, for a front-yard setback.

All in favor? Doug: try 11.2.

Excuse me?

It's zoning regulation 11.2... Not 6.

And walt is not adding a family room.

Mnh-mnh, he's adding a giant garage for his boat, which is gonna cut off the light to his neighbor's dining room.

Read the plans.

A family room doesn't have concrete floors and a door that's operated by a remote.

You're not in charge here anymore, wilson.

Lucky for you, or I'd throw your nautical ass out of here.

Really.

Buy a f*cking slip in the marina, captain cheap-ass.

Excuse me. You're out of order.

Now, all those in favor of granting the motion, raise your hand and say "aye."

Aye.

All of those against... "Nay."

Nay. Nay. Nay.

Motion is denied.

f*ck you, wilson!

Go play with your dinghy!

Could we please just turn those lights down a little?

You need them for the public-access cameras.

I know. It's unfortunate.

Nobody looks good in high def.

If you would like to address this council as a citizen, you can go ahead and wait at...

Could you stop with the f*cking spotlight?!

Check the language at the door.

Families are watching.

You know, I know what you're trying to do.

I know what you're all trying to do, and it's not gonna work.

I don't need you to like me.

How about we put this to a vote?

All those who don't like celia, say "aye."

Aye. Aye. Aye. Aye.

The public has spoken.

Nancy: damn it!

Saturday's dad's birthday, you know.

I know.

Well, we have a lot to do to get ready.

Maybe we'll scale down on the party a little this year.

Last year was kind of a lot.

What did you guys do last year?

Ate his favorite food, watched his favorite movies, and b*at the sh*t out a piñata.

That's right.

He always did have a thing for piñatas.

Did he ever hit you, nancy?

I'm not filled with candy.

Hmm.

So, what's the plan?

We'll do something, maybe just not the full-on, all-day celebration.

Why can't we just do what we did last year?

I'm not sure I can handle it.

Forget it.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, how about a mini celebration?

All right, uh, we'll just keep it simple, just the things that judah loves...

Chicken parmesan, "willy wonka"...

The original, not the lame johnny depp piece of sh*t.

A piñata, lap dance.

Celia.

Oh. Ugh.

Hey, take it easy. All right.

I never should have done this!

They hate me!

They hate me! This is all your fault!

God, if you would have just put a f*cking light in at the intersection!

I was going to.

Oh, right, you were?

You were being this bitchface.

I couldn't resist f*cking with you.

Yeah, and you still can't.

City council is the only thing in my life I didn't have to get baked to get through.

You took that away from me.

How did you know about walter's boat garage?

Celia, everything that happens in government is motivated by self-interest.

Someone's always trying to put one over on someone else so they can get something they want.

We're all just nothing but a bunch of selfish assholes.

Remember that, and you won't go wrong.

Thank you.

Celia...

You should bring some vodka to the council.

Vodka.

That's what I used to do.

You think they like anyone? They like a good buzz.

Are you just trying to set me up?

Why would I do that?

'Cause you want to see me fail.

I mean, why else would you come here tonight?

I just had nothing else to do.

Vodka, huh?

Grey goose.

Hey. Go take the kids shopping.

Get supplies for judah-fest.

Yeah, I can do that...

With money for both provisions and my services as a nanny/assistant.

Oh.

Oh, that's how it's gonna be?

Well, according to my calculations, I will have fully repaid my debt to you as of...

My next excursion to the dry cleaner's.

I'd like to double-check those numbers.

They're rough estimates, really.

They're more projections... Taking inflation into account.

I got another bill today from your old alma mater...

Hamadash la blah-blah blah?

Over $5,000.

Hamidrash l'torah...

And that happens to be tax-deductible.

I don't pay taxes, you idiot.

There's a big harvest coming up in a couple of weeks.

Why don't you come back and help?

I'll put you on the payroll.

I want more than sanjay.

Forget it.

Wait, wait, wait.

Yeah, I'll take it.

Welcome back.

Jelly beans for the piñata.

Dad hated jelly beans.

He liked the cherry ones.

He said they taste like cough syrup.

The only candy your father really liked is almond joy.

Don't ask me why. But get what you want.

Not if dad hated them.

Yael.

What was dad like before he met mom?

Uh, he didn't smell as good, but he was the golden boy to my black sheep.

He did everything right... A mother's dream.

Hardworking, athletic, ambitious.

That wasn't getting him laid, so he went through a tortured-artist phase.

Where are his paintings?

No, no, no, not that kind of artist.

A performance artist... He did weird stuff like paint his whole body silver and stand naked on the w*r memorial reciting bad poetry.

Why?

To get laid. It worked, too.

He met your mom when he hired her to dance barefoot in his "feet me in st. Louis" installation.

But he was always broke.

It wasn't really his true nature, and your mom wanted kids, so...

He took his engineering degree, got a real job, moved to suburbia.

I'm never getting married. It's death.

You're a little young to have reached that conclusion.

How come you're not married, uncle andy?

'Cause it's death.

Right here. Here we go.

So, elaine roberts' brother owns green grass landscaping.

Oh, yeah, she gave him a no-bid contract to maintain all the parks and the medians the minute she got elected.

He overcharges like halliburton, but you've got to love the flowering jacaranda trees he put out by the ball fields.

And tom bender owns all of our school buses.

He bought them from the town and then rents them back to us for twice what he paid, which was actually my idea.

But he went behind my back and made the deal himself when dana and I were in hawaii.

Where did you stay?

The four seasons, maui.

I prefer the kea lani. Me too.

But dana likes the macadamia-nut pancakes at the four seasons.

$28 For f*cking crunchy pancakes that she takes two bites of and throws out.

You want another one?

No, no, I should probably save that for the next council meeting.

Oh, right, that's your vodka.

Well, thank you for this... The 4-1-1.

I never realized there was such a method to your madness.

Six years on a job, and you learn how things work.

Are you... Heading out, too?

Me?

Are you leaving? Now?

Should we go out together? What?

Not "should we go out together,"

Just should we go out together...

Out of this office, outside?

Well, it is lunchtime... Out there.

Do you want to try this new little mongolian-barbecue place before they go out of business?

What was that?

I don't know.

I have condoms in my desk.

Do you have herpes, warts, anything?

I'm clean. You?

I'm clean. I had my tubes tied.

f*ck the condoms.

Great.

This isn't all some scheme to get back control of isabel's money, is it?

This isn't some hostile way for you to get back at dean, is it?

I'm not sure what it is.

Me, neither.

I'm not sure I care right now. Me, neither.

My cousin live in a village where all the babies born one year look like those oompa loompas.

Then they stop the crop-dusting, and the next year... All fine.

Do they dance and sing morality songs?

No, but a lot of them are tossed in bars to make a living.

I used to have nightmares about the boat scene.

I used to have to crawl in bed with you and read to you from the real-estate section to get you to fall asleep.

Which got me into trouble at school.

When we were starting roosevelt, I proudly announced to the entire class that fdr stood for "formal dining room."

Shh, I like this part!

Oh, can we say "chicken parmesan"?

No. Oh, no.

I promise I won't yell. No ultimatums.

I just want to talk. Can I come in?

Bad timing.

What's going on?

Shane: mom.

Birthday celebration.

Whose birthday?

Mom, you're missing the best part.

Guys, peter's here, and I need to help him with something outside just for a minute, and then I'll be right back, okay.

What's he doing here?

It's dad's birthday, for f*ck's sake.

Dinner's almost ready. Lupita, set the table.

You have hands.

Do you know he's a d.e.a. Agent?

Huh? Who's a d.e.a. Agent?

That peter guy.

Get the f*ck out of here.

I saw him leaving here, and he had this jacket on that said "d.e.a."

Shane, stop making sh*t up. I'm not.

"D.e.a." Could stand for a lot of things.

Nuh-uh, it was the same kind I see on the news when they bust people...

The exact kind.

What exactly did he say to your mom?

I don't know.

When I saw him, he was getting into his car.

He looked really mad.

He's mom's boyfriend, isn't he?

I really have to get back.

I didn't mean to interrupt your celebration.

I don't like the way our last conversation went.

I was upset.

I know, and you had a right to be.

I'm sorry I went behind your back.

I want to be with you.

We have to work through this.

We have huge issues, peter. All couples do.

I'm guessing our issues are pretty unique.

This... This is really not the right time to talk.

When is the right time?

When it's not my dead husband's birthday.

Fair enough.

I have to get back.

I'll call you later.

Where is everybody?

After shane tells silas that man is in the d.e.a., Silas tells shane he's your boyfriend and you don't care about judah no more.

So he smashed the cake and run upstairs, and silas go outside to f*ck up the stucco with a basketball, and andy go upstairs to get norched.

I eat from stress.

sh*t.

Silas.

Silas.

Talk to me.

You're insane! He's a f*cking d.e.a. Agent!

Yes, he is, but it's okay.

He's okay with it.

So he's a crooked d.e.a. Agent. Even better.

Peter protects my business, silas.

Well, maybe now, but what happens when he breaks up with you?

Or do you think that that's never gonna happen?

What happens when he dumps you?

He can't do anything to me.

Bullshit! He can arrest you!

I'm gonna tell you something, but you have to promise never to repeat it, especially to shane.

Swear to me, never to shane.

Fine.

Peter and I are technically...

We're...

What?

We're married.

I know it sounds crazy.

It kind of is crazy, but sometimes you do crazy things when you have no choice, and I had no choice.

It's a business arrangement... Pure and simple.

I know what you're thinking.

I... Loved your father.

I still love him.

This has nothing to do with judah or marriage, really.

It's business.

You m-married him.

Silas, I know how strange this all sounds.

It's dad's birthday!

But he's dead, so what difference does it make?!

Stop playing the "dead dad" card!

The wrong parent d*ed!

And you know what? Tough sh*t.

Get your ass back there and watch willy f*cking wonka!