When you live on a tiny island
like Manhattan...
...the odds of bumping into the one
who broke your heart are incredibly high.
The odds of bumping into him
when you look like shit are even higher.
After a break-up,
certain streets, locations...
...even times of day are off-limits.
The city becomes a deserted b*ttlefield
loaded with emotional land mines.
You have to be very careful where
you step or you could be blown to pieces.
Get your coat, Anne Frank,
we're going out.
-I'm really not in the mood.
-Coat on. Body out.
-Where are we going?
-It's a surprise.
Only if it's nowhere I can run into him.
When do you think you're gonna be
getting out of this hostage situation?
Am I wrong?
Don't Iisten to her, it's only been a month.
It takes half the total time you went out
with someone to get over them.
I always Iike a math solution
to any Iove problem.
It's the break-up rule.
You and Big only went out for a year.
She's got five more months
to get over him.
Cut your Iosses and get back in the game.
When Eric and I broke up,
I got over him right away.
I don't really remember it being Iike that.
Eric who?
Eric, assh*le I dated a couple of years ago.
That Eric.
Miranda called Eric the love of her life
until he left her for another woman.
Now, she almost never mentioned him.
You can't push yourself into feeling good.
The only way to get over somebody is
to feel really bad, cry to your girlfriends...
...and to replay what you hated about him
over and over in your head all day.
That sounds about right.
You're too dressed up
for where we're going.
I'II risk being overdressed vs. the chance
of meeting Big Iooking the way I feel.
The first meeting is the worst,
you never know how to act.
Then there's the vomiting.
If Big had any class,
he would've moved away. I was here first.
You're giving him too much power.
You broke up with him.
Right, and that makes me what, happy?
Taxi!
Amazingly, Samantha was still
with James. A monogamous relationship...
...for a woman whose bedroom
was busier than Balducci's on a Saturday.
You Iovebirds....
How are the most beautiful women
in Manhattan?
If we see them, I'II ask.
Have a fun day.
Don't Iet anything bad
happen to my princess.
I Iove you.
God, everything is going so great.
Me, James, and his tiny penis:
We're one big happy family.
After two months,
despite all his sweetness and charm...
...Samantha still hadn't quite accepted
James's shortcomings.
When Miranda said,
"Get back in the game," she meant it.
Forty minutes and a $ cab ride later,
we found ourselves at Yankee Stadium.
Who wants another?
Miranda was a fan of the Yankees.
I was a fan of being able to smoke
and drink at : p.m. withoutjudgment.
Beer!
Do they have hot cocoa?
Coming up to bat, the new Yankee.
Just up from the Minors, single. So cute.
I can barely see him.
Why are we sitting all the way up here?
It's the only place I can smoke without
Giuliani putting me away for years.
These seats suck.
This hot dog sucks. My entire Iife sucks.
Your Iife doesn't suck.
You have a man who Ioves you.
Love!
I don't think you Iadies understand
the seriousness of my situation.
How would you Iike to make Iove
to this every night?
Is it kosher?
Don't make me Iaugh. It's tragic.
Can we try and get into the game
for a second?
C'mon! Show us what you got.
Last year this guy was Mr. September.
He hit ten home runs in nine days.
Ball! Good eye!
Way to watch them.
He batted. . He drove in runs.
His on-base percentage was. .
As Miranda went on
about the new Yankee's stats...
...I couldn 't help wondering about my own.
Ten years playing in New York.
Countless dates.
Five real relationships. One serious.
All ending in break-ups.
If I were a ballplayer I'd be batting....
Whatever really bad is.
My God! Here it comes!
You got it!
Do you know what the odds
of catching a fly ball are?
I didn't. I couldn't help wondering
if they were any higher...
...than finding a relationship
that would last.
Three innings, four beers and one
shameless flash of my press pass later....
We waited outside the locker room
to get my ball signed by the new Yankee.
Good game.
Did you see that bulge?
He was wearing a cup.
His cup runneth over.
It's official, you're drunk.
I'm not drunk, I'm sedated from my pain.
She's allowed to be drunk,
she's going through a break-up.
Excuse me. Huge Yankee fan.
We don't mean to bother you
but my friend caught your ball.
This is her.
I'm her friend.
We were wondering if you'd sign it?
-That foul ball to the upper deck?
-Yes. I mean....
Yes. If it's not too....
I'm a huge Yankees fan. I'm a Iawyer.
If I don't sign it, you'II sue me?
No. I don't know why I said that.
No problem, give me the ball.
Give him the ball.
-Could you hold these?
-Sure.
-You a Yankees fan, too?
-No, I came for the beer.
I think baseball's a Iittle dull.
-What do you do?
-She writes a column.
A sex column.
-Nothin' dull about that.
-You'd be surprised.
-Here you go.
-Thank you.
He's so cute.
I'm gonna ask him
to the Dolce & Gabbana party.
What?
No, really, you can't.
Yankee!
I don't know if it was the beer
or the fact that I was holding his ball.
Something gave me the strength
to ask the new Yankee out.
No. This is not fair.
This is not the way
this is supposed to happen.
Why? You told me
to get back in the game.
With some balding C.P.A.
or other boring rebound guy.
Nobody rebounds with the new Yankee.
Maybe I'm the new Carrie.
Let's blow this hot dog stand.
Samantha, Iet's go.
She knew it was risky,
but a day of watching big men...
...swing their big wooden bats
proved to be too much for Samantha.
She told herself
there's no harm in just looking.
Can I help you?
As my ballpark cheap beer buzz wore off...
...I began to worry
about the ramifications of my day.
Was Charlotte right?
Were we supposed to get over an ex
in a slow, painful way?
Or should we ignore all the bad feelings
and throw ourselves back in the game?
In a world where leaving each other
seems to be getting more frequent....
What are the break-up rules?
Whatever you do, man, don't cry.
'Cause if you do get back together again,
then, you're the guy that cried.
Don't call or see him
'til three months have passed...
...and you've Iost the weight
you put on while breaking up.
Give her whatever she wants,
but don't sign a m*therf*cking thing.
Change your name,
change your phone number.
Change your job. They're all bums.
You got a problem?
Friday night, the Dolce & Gabbana party.
The new Yankee was minutes late.
I was running behind.
I was reaching
for my favorite necklace when....
I thought I'd destroyed all the evidence,
but there it was.
We'd taken it with a disposable camera...
...before it ever dawned on me
that we could be disposable as well.
It was then and there I created
my own very first break-up rule:
Destroy all pictures where he looks sexy
and you look happy.
The party was a complete home run.
All the fashion heavy-hitters were there.
Charlotte was dating Paul Ericson...
...the V.P. of a major recording label's
classical and jazz division.
Having a good time?
You won't believe it.
This guy's never heard Miles Davis.
I don't really Iike that jazz stuff.
I'm gonna give you our
Best of Miles Davis CD.
His stuff will change your mind.
His concentration and emotion
in the phrasing....
It's f*cking magical.
He was handsome, smart, eclectic.
The perfect match for Charlotte.
Except for one minor snag.
The authenticity of Miles' timbre
is gonna blow you away.
The fusion revolution changed
the entire concept of contemporary music.
There we were, two single gals
out on the town with our ballplayers.
What's wrong?
I thought I saw....
-Where?
-No, it wasn't him.
Do you think he'II be here?
I don't know, I hadn't thought about it.
Break-up rule number two:
Lie. It's a lot easier than admitting
that's why you invited the new Yankee...
...and why you maxed out your credit card
to buy the dress.
When Mr. Big never made an appearance,
I decided to make the best of it.
I actually got to know
a little about this new Yankee.
His name was Joe.
So, Joe, the new Yankee....
How'd you Iike your first fashion party?
It was kind of cool.
What?
Nothing. It's just....
"Kind of cool."
You're very succinct.
Are you making fun of me?
A Iittle bit.
You're kind of cute.
You're kind of cute, too.
And there, in the shadow of my island...
...just four weeks out
of my last relationship...
...I let the new Yankee get to first base.
Our Saturday morning ritual: coffee, eggs,
and a very private dish session.
Today our dish wasn't so private.
You're on page six.
"Hot Yankee Joe Stark on the town
with New York columnist...
"...and 'sex-pert', Carrie Bradshaw."
It's a proud day for me.
That dress just paid for itself.
Big is gonna see this and die.
I don't want him to die.
Cut the shit, it's me.
You're using that Yankee.
Everybody has got to Iook
at my new Palm Pilot.
-It's amazing.
-This is so great.
The first time Big sees you,
you Iook great and you're with the Yankee.
Why are we still talking about him?
He hurt her.
He's out of the picture.
Let's talk about something else, okay?
I have a problem with my boyfriend.
I'm gonna go get the check.
I don't know really quite how to say this,
but he's always...
...touching his--
Balls. I know, Carrie told me.
It freaked me out.
I didn't know what the hell was going on.
I still don't. What is?
I don't know but it's constant.
He can't seem to Ieave them alone.
He and every other guy on the planet.
They always try to pull our attention there.
"Look what I got."
I don't get it. He's from a good family.
He went to Brown. Why is he doing that?
-Does he have Iow-hangers?
-Is that a patented phrase?
Sometimes they hang so Iow,
they get in the way.
I heard Nick Nolte had a ball Iift.
I don't know how Iong they are.
You've been dating for three weeks
and you haven't seen his balls yet?
Get with the program.
But why do men do this?
How would they feel if we stood around
in public touching ourselves?
They'd Iove it.
What are we talking about?
Charlotte's boyfriend's balls.
Seriously?
-They're too Iong.
-She's just guessing.
Okay. That's it.
I'm out of here.
AII we talk about anymore...
...is Big or balls or small dicks.
Why do four smart women
have nothing to talk about but boyfriends?
It's Iike seventh grade with bank accounts.
What about us?
What we think, we feel, we know...Christ!
Does it always have to be about them?
Give me a call when you're ready to talk
about something besides men for a change.
In the case of Miranda Hobbes vs. silly
women everywhere, the verdict was in.
Guilty as charged.
After breakfast,
Charlotte and I went shopping.
Break-up rule number three:
Until emotionally stabilized,
enter no stores.
Later, Samantha and James were
about to enter the seventh inning stretch.
When I arch my back, I want you to Iift
that ass and really give it to me.
Rather than quit mid-season,
Samantha decided to attack her problem...
...with the gusto of a seasoned coach
training a rookie.
Go, go, Iift. Lift that ass.
Give it to me!
A good coach encourages and motivates.
You are so hot.
f*ck me. You hot stud.
A good coach disciplines and criticizes.
No. What are you doing back there?
Let's go.
And like every good coach...
...she passed on the benefits
of her years of experience.
Baby, I'm close.
Get up here and slide inside of me.
Hurry, slide, slide, slide!
Then, at the bottom of the ninth try,
with two balls and two strikes.
The coach had no choice,
but to bring in a pinch hitter.
What's that?
It's my vibrator.
I thought it would be fun.
I think just us might be more fun.
That's not a problem, is it?
But there was no joy in Mudville.
Mighty Samantha had struck out.
But a little further uptown,
the ball game was just getting started.
I have a present for you.
I thought you just gave me one.
I was at Barneys today.
Here.
Charlotte had decided a possible solution
to her problem...
...might be as simple as briefs vs. boxers.
The salesman said
that these were the very best.
They're Iike the Wonderbra for men.
They give good support,
something about the pouch.
We haven't even made Iove
and you're out shopping for me?
SIow down.
It's not Iike that--
It's what?
But Charlotte couldn't bring herself
to tell him the problem was foul balls.
This is too fast. Way too fast.
First comes the underwear,
then you move in.
And then the next thing I know,
you hate my music.
And that was that.
He broke it off after only three weeks.
Charlotte, true to form,
was over him in exactly a week and a half.
Whenever Miranda was feeling stressed,
she went for a long walk.
She'd lose herself in the places and faces...
...and whatever was bothering her
would somehow lift.
But today, she would have no such luck.
I really thought he Iiked me.
Why didn't he call me?
Just when Miranda decided
she was the only woman in New York...
...with any real perspective on men....
There he was. Eric assh*le.
The former love of her life.
Walking hand and hand
with the woman he left her for.
Somewhere between playing
the Royals and the Red Sox...
...the new Yankee found a minute
to teach me some dugout pastimes.
One, two, three, toss.
Shit.
If you don't get this,
we don't move on to spitting.
Hold my beer.
-Back, back, back.
-Sorry.
Break-up rule number four:
Never stop thinking
about him even for a moment...
...because that's the moment he'll appear.
As he made his way through the crowd,
I felt calm.
I had accomplished
the perfect first meeting.
I looked good, I felt good,
and I was with the new Yankee.
Surprise.
Look at you....
I've been....
-How've you--
-Good, good, good.
-Sorry. This is Joe Stark.
-I know who he is.
I'm a big fan. Good Iuck this season.
Thanks.
I saw your picture in the paper.
You never Iooked better.
You want another round?
Some buddies are at a bar on BIeeker.
-How about it?
-Sure.
I'm sorry.
I'm really sorry, it's not you. This is....
This is really embarrassing.
-I'm sorry. I'm really embarrassed.
-You're okay.
I don't think I'm okay. I just....
I just cried in your mouth.
I just--I can't....
I'm not ready.
That guy in the bar....
That suit guy.
I better go. Sorry.
-You want a ride home?
-No, please.
Don't pay any more attention to me.
Just go, please.
Go to that bar thing.
I'm just gonna get a cab, all right?
PIease. Will you just go?
AII right, then I'II go.
But I didn't go home. I couldn't.
I went to a pay phone.
It's me.
Hi, Iisten.
I know things are really weird
between us right now.
But I really need to talk.
Can you....
Will you meet me at our place
in minutes?
Okay.
I saw Big.
And I completely fell apart.
I know you want me to be over him--
I'm a jerk.
That's my stuff. It's not you.
I saw Eric on the street today.
And I hid.
After two years.
I forgot how hard it is.
Just take all the time you need, okay?
These are cold.
So?
And finally,
the most important break-up rule:
No matter who broke your heart
or how long it takes to heal...
...you'll never get through it
without your friends.