03x01 - Doing the Backstroke

[bunniefuu]

Oh, here we go.

Nancy: previously on "weeds"...

Our stash is worth about 300 "g."

With the markers making the bull runs, we should know half a mil easy.

I'm having an affair with doug.

Doug wilson?

Wife-fucker.

Shane's graduation. I can't do this.

You have failed us all.

Some f*cking lowlife stole two of them already.

The cameras?

And the "drug free zone" signs and the sasquatch costume.

Son of a bitch.

Hi, kat. Hi.

Abumchuck.

He's just this bounty hunter.

I did something illegal.

It's now or never. Come with me.

I'm not coming with you.

Thanks for keeping me company.

Where are we going? Where do you want to go?

Pittsburgh.

Step on it, geronimo.

You watch that sh*t, man.

You been f*cking him the whole time you were married to me?

It's just business between us. Always has been.

Take your last harvest, make a quick deal, and then hand all of the cash over to me.

Why are you doing this?

Because I laid everything on the line for you, and you f*cked me.

I'm looking to sell about 38 pounds of sexy mama.

You in? Yeah, I'll take it.

What the f*ck?

Give us the dr*gs and we'll let you live.

Kesheshian says, "goodbye."

Where's the money? Ain't no money, fool!

Whoa. Where is my money?

I k*ll agent assh*le, you pay us.

Ain't no money, 'cause they decided to jack us.

We k*ll each other, then nobody gets nothing!

He's dead? Yes! Yes! Yes!

Okay.

Open the f*cking safe!

Open the f*cking safe! Open the f*cking safe!

Sorry. A lot of data flying around.

Oh, not today. Oh.

Hi, nancy.

Did you take something that doesn't belong to you?

I want in.

That's him.

sh*t.

Bitch, you about to die.

Man: you know, I don't know about this, hon.

I mean, god knows what they've done with the inside.

It might upset you.

Your mother kept that place so clean.

This used to be all flowers and nice lawns.

Can we go to citywalk now?

Nice families. Now look at it.

I got to go pee.

Oh, she's got to go pee.

I'm gonna pee my pants.

You hold it. There it is.

Well, I'm gonna ask if she can pee in the house.

Hello?

Can't hold it.

Elli! Elli!

Look at how they changed the wallpaper.

Hello? I'm dawn tramigliosi.

I used to live here when I was a little girl.

Hello?

We're visiting from scottsdale.

Mommy!

I think she had an accident.

Um...

Sorry about this. We were just, uh...

You used to live here?

My wife did.

Dawn tramigliosi, from scottsdale.

Yeah, I got a cousin in scottsdale.

Oh, really?

Yeah. You know a dude named coldblood?

About 6'5", 320, big scar across his throat?

Maybe I'll have him look you up.

You can go get nachos together.

You know, hon, it's too bad no one was home when we went to your old place, and we just had to drive away without going in at all.

What?

Oh, right.

We... We went straight to citywalk.

They got bowling at citywalk.

And that's what we're doing right now.

We're bowling, okay?

I got kids here.

Y'all go on and hit that reset button.

Let's go. Let's go.

Go, go, go, go, go. Now. Quick. Move. Come on.

Bye!

Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

Ohh, can we all talk without the g*ns, please?

My arms are getting tired.

So rest them, by all means.

Marvin, if you put that g*n down, I swear I'll sh**t you myself, you fat f*ck.

Could I just make one more call in the service of finding our pot?

Our pot. f*ck you!

f*ck you! f*ck you!

f*ck you! f*ck you!

f*ck you! f*ck you!

You f*ck you.

Whoa! Let's all just chill, all right?

If she don't find the pot, ain't nobody getting sh*t!

Now, that's not true. You'll be getting a b*llet.

Mm-hmm.

Nancy, make your call.

sh*t. I can't get a signal.

Oh, bitch.

Celia: that's the little fucker who stole my cameras.

Arrest him.

I didn't do anything.

I have you on tape.

Like I wouldn't make copies?

I didn't do sh*t. A lot of people look like me.

And what are you waiting for? Search his car.

Hit him with your flashlight. Do what you people do.

I did it. See?

I stole her cameras. They're at my house.

Take him in.

Ma'am. Ma'am, ma'am.

I can't give you a ride with a suspect in the back of the vehicle.

So, what am I supposed to do, hike home?

I'm in heels here.

I'm sorry, ma'am. I'm just doing what we do.

Oh, cute. Right.

What's happening with his car?

Yeah, hey, can i... Can i...

Let me just lock it up really quick.

I have to call it in for towing.

This is a restricted parking area.

Silas, give me your keys. I will drive your car home.

Absolutely not. No way.

It's over 400 bucks to get out of the impound lot.

Now give her your keys.

It's my car.

Hey, what the hell? You can't do that.

Oh, yes, he can, because you have no rights, you thieving little sh*t.

Son, get in the back of my vehicle right now.

Let's go. Come on.

It's done. Let's go. Come on.

Just trying to find some power bars, okay?

"Power bars"... That can't be right.

What do you call these? "Bars of reception"?

On my phone, I call it the shrinking pyramid.

Kind of like your d*ck.

Hey, man. That's not cool.

We don't even know these people.

Bars, bars, bars! Got it! Here we go.

Please don't sh**t me.

Hey, nancy.

Surprise. It's me, celia.

Did i... I didn't... I didn't call you.

No, you meant to call silas, but, you know, he's not here right now.

I had him arrested, and he admitted taking my cameras.

You can probably reach him at the agrestic police station if they're letting him take calls.

Oh, and, you know, nance, you're gonna have to reimburse me for gas money, because...

...your irresponsible adolescent has left me with an empty t*nk, and... Hello?

We got to go.

Like hell.

Hello? Nancy?

Rude. As usual.

Where is the f*cking gas pop-up thing?

f*ck.

Where are we going?

Uh, I know where the pot is.

And if you'll let us go get it, we'll bring it right back, I swear.

g*ns on me.

I'll stay.

What?

Oh, because you wouldn't know that we're coming back.

Okay, vasag will go with you.

Marvin, you're up. Go on.

If y'all not back with the broccoli by dark, I'm sh**ting your boy here in the nuts.

And I will sh**t him in the kneecap and the elbow.

And so on, so you better get moving.

I forgot my purse. Sorry. Be back soon.

Oh, and no sh**ting, okay?

He's 12, brown hair, brown eyes.

He's wearing a beige suit, blue shirt.

Hey, uh, if you find him, could you just call me?

We had to sedate his mother.

Yes, yes, very upsetting.

Um, you have my cell number?

Thank you. Thank you. Bye.

I'm telling you, man.

After a lifetime of sardines and blubber, a fast-food burrito ain't gonna be kind to you.

You called the f*cking cops, didn't you?

He's my nephew. I called in an amber alert.

If the police find them first and you f*cked up my bounty, I'm wiping my ass with you.

Is this the truck version of setting me adrift on an icefl...

Aah!

Shane, this is bear.

We met over there by the candy machine, and he showed me that the lid to the mini mint patties was loose, so look.

Mmm. That's yummy.

So, listen, little guy, um, I am going to hitch a ride to south america with bear, but I'm gonna leave you the van so you can go home or to pittsburgh or wherever you want to go, okay?

I'm 12.

I was driving at 8.

Don't make him feel bad, bear.

Okay, after you finish your sandwich, go to the big parking lot out back, and practice driving around a little bit.

I'm sure you'll get the hang of it really quickly.

Can you show me how?

I'm sorry, kid. I'm on a tight schedule.

Yeah, he's on a really tight schedule, and, you know, he's doing me the favor, so when he says, "go," I got to go.

And I said, "go," half an hour ago, so chop, chop... Tempus fugit.

Oh, my god. You speak greek. How cute is that?

It's latin, and the actual quotation is "fugit irreparabile tempus,"

Which means, "irretrievable time is flying."

Well, f*ck me with a dictionary, kid.

Get b*at up much?

Okay, honey, honey...

Sit down.

I know that this must be rough, but I think that you can use this as an opportunity to explore and to grow and to learn that you should always keep an up-to-date passport on your person at all times.

So, here are the keys to the van.

Here's about $13 in change that I liberated from the tampon machine in the ladies' room.

I want you to have it.

Have amazing adventures, shane. We'll meet again.

I'll be older, but I'll still be hot, and you'll be older, and you'll still be the same smart, wise, gentle soul that you are now.

But you'll be taller, and I think that you're gonna do some really interesting things with your facial hair.

I just see it.

Okay, sweetie? Heart hug. Heart hug.

Okay?

Be well.

I think you're amazing.

Bye.

Man, it's the f*cking police station.

Nancy: there's a guy in there who knows where the pot is.

I'm just gonna go talk to him and leave, okay?

And who is this guy? He a cop or something?

No. He's a criminal, just like us.

It's gonna be fine.

You pull any sh*t up in there, we k*ll you and we k*ll your boy conrad, dig?

Fully digging. Completely dug.

You and conrad, are y'all, like, "together" together or just like what?

We're business partners. Can I go in now?

You ain't done nothing?

Come on, two fine-looking people, all hormones and sh*t, working side-by-side?

Okay, fine.

We kissed once, but, I don't know, we never really talked about it, and now it's kind of weird, and this whole thing happened with you guys, so it's not exactly a great time for us to process our feelings.

So no booty, huh? No, no booty.

Hah!

What do you mean "hah"?

As in I bet u-turn, and I win.

I knew that pretty n*gg*r never got up in your business.

How do you know?

You just told me.

I know. How... How did you know before?

I just knew.

How? I just did.

How?

I-i-i'm... I've got to go.

This discussion is not over.

Yeah, it is, 'cause I know these type of things.

I'm like a deep-dicking psychic.

Hey, leave the keys so we can listen to the radio.

Jesus christ!

What do you want from me now?

I can't believe you told dana. How could you tell dana?

You f*ck up my marriage, I f*ck up yours. Even.

Even my ass. I love dana.

Then what were you doing inside my wife?

Your wife's snatch has nothing to do with my deep love for my wife.

Give me your car keys. I'm going after my woman.

I drive a motorcycle, and I'm not giving you a g*dd*mn thing, you assh*le.

I was married to celia for 17 f*cking years, and you waltzed in and f*cked everything up.

Literally.

I only wish I'd f*cked your wife before I told her you cheated.

Dana would never f*ck you.

Oh, really? How do you know?

Dana won't f*ck anyone.

Something about a short cervix and how she might be a lesbian.

You have four kids.

Whose names could have been "tequila sh*ts,"

"Snuck it in while she was sleeping,"

"Doing it for a lexus," and "turkey baster."

But she gets me. She thinks I'm funny.

She buys my underwear. She puts new blades in my razor.

She makes these amazing lamb chops, and you told!

The only thing dana hates more than sex is embarrassment.

She is never gonna forgive me, you home-wrecking f*ck!

Aah! g*dd*mn it!

My marriage is over.

Yeah, well, welcome to the club.

Oh, sh*t. I'm bleeding.

Good.

Jesus.

H. Christ.

You know, I dropped you on your head once.

You were about 15 months old.

We were playing this game where you climb up my legs and I'd flip you over back on your feet, but this one time, you kept climbing up my body, and you wouldn't flip.

And I'm holding your hands, and your little feet are scaling up onto my shoulders.

And I'm saying, "silas, stop."

But you're laughing.

You were almost completely upside down.

Your hard-soled shoe goes blam!

Right into my eye, and I let go.

You went headfirst into the hardwood.

If celia hadn't shown up, we'd be in business right now.

How did you even get into the safe?

The combination was your maiden name.

You think that was tricky?

Wow.

You know what? I can't do this right now.

I need to get my hands on what you took and give it back to some people who will do some very bad things if I don't.

Am I being clear?

What bad things?

Silas, where's the p... Where's the dry cleaning?

I need every last bag of clothing, or my boss is going to k*ll me, just sh**t me dead.

You got that?

Dead.

Where is it?

It's all in the trunk of my car.

Your car.

Yes.

Would that be the car celia is driving?

That would be it. Jesus christ.

Cop took my keys and gave them to her.

I couldn't do anything.

Can't your husband help you out of this?

Mom?

Mom?

I got to go.

Uh, are you taking me with you?

What? No.

At least if you're here, I know where you are.

Hello, andy?

Hey, nance. How's it going?

Yeah. Yeah, of course I got shane.

In fact, I think we're gonna stay out for a while.

Is that cool? Yeah? Great.

Okay, don't worry about a thing.

And he's having a blast.

Don't be such a mother hen. We'll see you later.

Man: yeah, I've seen her.

She stole mint patties. You gonna pay for those?

Uh, the kid. Was there a kid with her?

About yea high, beige suite.

Sure. The kid was here. Had the grilled-cheese special.

Paid all in quarters. Left a decent tip, though.

How long ago did the girl leave?

Oh, about two hours. She left with bear.

Huh? What does that mean?

Bear. He's a trucker.

The kid was with them, with the girl and the bear?

Uh, they left, and then the kid drove a blue van around the parking lot for an hour before taking off.

A little young to be driving if you ask me, but all the preservatives people eat nowadays, everybody's looking younger, so who knows?

Oh, man. Come on. We got to jam.

What kind of rig does bear drive?

Blue, like a cerulean blue, but with sparkle in it.

Yosemite sam mud flaps.

I know it's a cliché, but I think he's being ironic.

Holy ned, you're a giant redwood.

Move, redwood!

I'm not redwood.

I'm not yeti man, master mohawk, chief wiggum, eskimo pie, great white north, or washington redskin, and I'm not your snow n*gg*r, you rude piece of sh*t.

I'm f*cking through with you.

He... Hey.

Hey, hey. Come on.

I called you "snow n*gga," with an "a."

Jeez, nanook. You're so sensitive.

You don't even know if the bitch coming back.

I got 100 g's cash, out the door.

I'm offering you a great deal here. Take it.

Conrad: that's not a great deal.

Shut your mouth before I piss in it.

That's just bad hygiene. Where were you raised?

Where were you raised, unibrow, stinky-armpit, sweatsuit-wearing m*therf*cker?

50 Cent on the dollar. Final offer. Take it.

Ugh! What?

Was that a yes?

No.

Fine. Fine. Yes, I'll take it.

Wise choice.

sh*t.

Celia, it's nancy.

I'd really like to get silas's car back.

Please call me.

It stinks in here!

How could you let him smoke in my car?

No more smoking in this car.

Hmm.

No more puff-puff with the tobacco stick.

You're really rude, you know that?

You're gonna get cancer.

Hey, I thought these things were supposed to get great gas mileage and sh*t.

They do. I just haven't filled the t*nk for two weeks.

Two weeks is pretty good.

Hey!

Hey!

Armenian guy!

Hey!

Well, that was weird.

Get away from the car!

Get the f*ck away from the car!

Marvin? Uh-huh?

What are we doing?

I was thinking the car was gonna blow up.

Oh.

Those armenians, they like to blow sh*t up, you know?

Really?

Actually, I don't know.

He the first one I met, but he seemed real shifty.

Hello?

Oh.

Okay. Oh, and he never tapped it!

You owe me, m*therf*cker.

Oh, yes, you do.

Okay.

Bye.

We can get back in the car now.

Who was that?

U-turn.

What'd he say?

You were traded.

I was what?

He says he bought your debt off the armenians, and your ass and your grass is all his now.

Oh, and if we don't come back with the pot soon, I got to sh**t you in the head, so let's really focus on finding it, okay?

You've got a really nice head.

Thanks.

How much do I love to be overmedicated?

I can feel my pores tightening.

Check this out.

Tylenol with codeine.

Ooh! Me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me!

Mmm!

Hey, man, look.

I am so sorry I f*cked your wife with my giant cock.

I'm so not threatened by you.

I happen to be hung like a beer can, and I'm talking guinness stout.

You're like one of those mini bottles of crystal geyser.

I've seen you in the steam. I got you by a good inch.

You care to make it interesting?

How much?

Your share when nancy sells the crop.

That's a lot of cash.

Yeah? I got a lot of d*ck.

You're on, bitch. Here. Come here.

All right, come on. Come on.

Uh-huh.

See. Yeah, you know, you're all talk, buddy.

You're all talk.

Winner and still champion.

Yeah, only in length.

That's what counts, moron.

Circumference doesn't factor in a size w*r.

Then flaccid doesn't count, either.

I'm a grower, not a shower.

Want to measure hard?

You're not getting my share without a fair fight.

Fine. All right.

Come on.

Occupied. Occupied.

We took too many dr*gs.

Yes. Yes, we did.

Well, we're having a great time. We're at the dump.

Yeah, he...

He wanted to see where the trash went.

Okay, bye.

Marvin: this is one nice f*cking neighborhood.

How long you live here?

Too long. Shh. It's ringing.

Looks like it's from a movie, like with the plants and trees, no chain-link.

These places got alarms?

Celia, I'm outside your house. Where's my son's car?

Celia: why, it's in your driveway.

Nancy, I told him I'd drive it home, and I always try to be a woman of my word.

Oh, you owe me $37.50 for gas.

Hello?

Hello, nancy?

sh*t, sh*t, sh*t, sh*t, sh*t, sh*t, sh*t, sh*t, sh*t, sh*t, sh*t.

This ain't good.

sh*t, sh*t, sh*t, sh*t.

sh*t. sh*t.

sh*t. sh*t.

Silas's phone. Celia speaking.

Hey, nancy. I helped myself to some of your vodka.

Hope you don't mind.

Mmm. Oh, and I borrowed some garden shears.

You know, they were really helpful, so thanks.

I did this for your own good, nancy.

He gonna be mad.