03x14 - Archie and the Bowling Team

Post by **bunniefuu** » 01/11/22 07:21

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♪ Boy, the way
Glenn Miller played ♪

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♪ Songs that made
The Hit Parade ♪

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♪ Guys like us
We had it made ♪

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00:00:12,946 --> 00:00:16,214
♪ Those were the days ♪

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♪ And you knew
Where you were then ♪

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♪ Girls were girls
And men were men ♪

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♪ Mister, we could use a man
Like Herbert Hoover again ♪

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♪ Didn't need
No welfare state ♪

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♪ Everybody pulled
His weight ♪

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♪ Gee, our old LaSalle
Ran great ♪

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♪ Those were the days ♪

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Ma, you still working
on that jigsaw puzzle?

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Yeah.

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You've been at it
for weeks.

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Oh, this is
a hard one, Mike.

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What made you
pick this one?

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Because of
the way it'll look

18
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when it's all done.

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See?

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A delicious pizza.

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I don't know how you have
the patience for this.

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To me, one piece of pizza
looks like another.

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That's what
makes it so hard.

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The last puzzle I worked on
was much easier--

25
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Arthur Godfrey making
his horse, Goldie, kneel down.

26
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Why was that easier?

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Because I could tell
which one was Arthur Godfrey

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and which one was the horse.

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What's for dinner?

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Oh, Mike,
nothing special.

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You see, Archie called

32
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and said something
important came up

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and he wouldn't be
eating dinner tonight.

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Yeah? What's going on?

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I don't know, but
it must be something,

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because the only
other time

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I remember Archie
missing his dinner

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was once when
he slept through it.

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Why didn't you wake him up?

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Oh, I couldn't.

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We was on our honeymoon.

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I didn't know him well enough.

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Whoop-dee-doo
and how do you do!

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EDITH: Oh!
Ah-hah!

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Hello, Archie.

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Oh, what a day.
What a day!

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What a day!

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♪ How's life? ♪

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♪ It's just
A bowl of cherries ♪

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♪ Don't take it serious ♪

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♪ It's so mysterious ♪

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Archie, are you
all right?

53
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No, Edith.

54
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I'm singing because
I just got hit by a Mack truck.

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Certainly I'm all right.
I'm very happy.

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This is one of the greatest days
of my life.

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That's wonderful.

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What is it?

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Oh, boy,
sensational news.

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Are youse ready?

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Yeah, I can hardly wait.

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Remember Hank Phillips
from the gas station?

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Yeah.

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He's dead.

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Oh, my...

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A guy dies,
and you're happy?

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Will you wait a minute?
I didn't say that.

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I'm only happy because the guy
can't bowl no more, that's all.

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See, I'm waiting six years

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to get a spot
on this special bowling team,

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and now
there's a spot opened up.

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I'm sorry the guy is dead,
but that's life.

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Archie, will you
listen to yourself?

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You're saying that
getting on a bowling team

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is more important
than a man's life!

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I am going
to ignore you

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on the grounds that,
one, I didn't say that,

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and two, I wasn't talking
to you when I said that.

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Edith, you know
what I got here for you?

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No.

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New laces for my bowling shoes.

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Oh.

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Now, I want you to take these

84
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and put 'em
in the bowling shoes, see?

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And make sure
that the ends come out even

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because I want
to tie a perfect bow.

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Everything tonight counts.

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Archie, I ain't never
seen you so excited

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about going bowling.

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Edith, it ain't
just going bowling.

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I got to try out
against two other guys

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for this spot, see,
on the Cannonballers.

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The greatest team
in the league.

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Now, go on.
Get my shoes, right away.

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Will you get out of my way?

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The Cannonballers?

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That's right, buddy,
the Cannonballers,

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and when you say that name,
say it with a little respect,

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because them guys
is the cream of the crop.

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They're the top bananas...
the pick of the litter.

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Whoopee.
Get away from me!

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Archie, how do you
want me to lace these?

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Through the holes, Edith,
through the holes.

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No. I mean, do you want me
to lace them over or under?

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What's the difference?

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Well, you see,

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if you lace them over,
they show more and--

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Edith.

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I didn't say,
"What's the difference?

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Explain it to me."

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I said, "What's the difference?
Who the hell cares?"

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Oh, I'm sorry, Archie,
I misunderstood you.

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You see, when you said--

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Will you stifle yourself
and lace these shoes?

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Yeah.

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We ain't got much time.

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Moose Hansen, the captain
of the Cannonballers,

118
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is coming over any minute
to pick me up

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and take me to the alleys.

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Moose Hansen?

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That's right, Moose Hansen.

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The most respected guy
in the whole bowling league.

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What makes him so respected?

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What makes him so respected?
The kind of a guy he is.

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I'll give you a for instance.

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One night, Moose, heh, heh,
is standing out

127
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in front of the bowling alley
on the street there.

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He's having an argument
with some jerk,

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and this jerk comes up
with his final point, see?

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And he thinks
he's really put the Moose away.

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You know what the Moose done?

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What?

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He went and pulled the door
off the guy's car.

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An intelligent man.

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Damn right.

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I'll tell you
about another time.

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Moose is at the bowling alley.

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He wanted to telephone
his wife, you know?

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He gets to the phone booth,

140
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there's some weirdo-creepo
in there and he won't get out,

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so Moose taps on the door.

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The weirdo pays,
like, no attention.

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You know what Moose done?

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He tore the door
off the phone booth.

145
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Did I tell you
this story before?

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No, but what else would
a bright, rational, tactful man

147
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like the Moose do?

148
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What do you mean by that?

149
00:06:01,761 --> 00:06:03,394
I mean,
your friend is a bonehead.

150
00:06:03,396 --> 00:06:05,430
Cut that out, you!

151
00:06:05,432 --> 00:06:07,498
And I don't want to hear
any talk like that

152
00:06:07,500 --> 00:06:08,499
when Moose Hansen
gets here,

153
00:06:08,501 --> 00:06:09,633
because getting
on the Cannonballers

154
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means a lot to me.

155
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Hurry up with the shoes,
huh, Edith?

156
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What are you going to say
to Barney Hefner?

157
00:06:15,308 --> 00:06:16,707
About what?

158
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Well, you always go bowling
with him on Tuesday nights.

159
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Oh, well, this Tuesday night
is something special.

160
00:06:22,682 --> 00:06:24,983
I got to keep
my mind on my game now,

161
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because I gotta bowl
against two other guys,

162
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and I got to beat them.

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And then
they'll put you on the team?

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That's right. Well...yeah.

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But bowling ain't the only thing
to get on the Cannonballers.

166
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You've got to be, uh...

167
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Well, you know what I mean--
a special kind of guy.

168
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Wait a second.
Special kind of guy?

169
00:06:41,434 --> 00:06:43,134
What are you saying?

170
00:06:43,136 --> 00:06:45,003
I'm saying
that the Cannonballers

171
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is all cut
from the same hunk of cloth.

172
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They're all the same.

173
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They don't want
no different guys mixing in.

174
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Know what I mean?
Yeah.

175
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I know what you mean.

176
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The Cannonballers
are restricted.

177
00:06:54,414 --> 00:06:56,981
I never said that.

178
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All I'm saying is they're, uh,
what do you call...careful.

179
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Arch, it's discrimination,

180
00:07:01,221 --> 00:07:03,254
keeping a guy out
because of what he is.

181
00:07:03,256 --> 00:07:05,789
They don't keep nobody out
because of what he is!

182
00:07:05,791 --> 00:07:08,026
They keep a guy out maybe
because of what he ain't.

183
00:07:10,029 --> 00:07:12,363
Like for instance,
if he ain't a good bowler,

184
00:07:12,365 --> 00:07:13,998
he ain't getting in...

185
00:07:14,000 --> 00:07:15,833
and if he ain't white
and Protestant...

186
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What could be fairer than that?

187
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Letting anybody in,
no matter what color he is,

188
00:07:22,275 --> 00:07:23,707
no matter what religion he is!

189
00:07:23,709 --> 00:07:25,410
That's what this country's
supposed to be about!

190
00:07:25,412 --> 00:07:27,611
Get outta here! That's only
for the civil service.

191
00:07:29,981 --> 00:07:30,981
Your regular people,

192
00:07:30,983 --> 00:07:32,783
they all want to be
with their own kind.

193
00:07:32,785 --> 00:07:33,918
That's a well-known fact.

194
00:07:33,920 --> 00:07:35,520
Look it up if
you don't believe me.

195
00:07:35,522 --> 00:07:36,521
I'll give you
an example.

196
00:07:36,523 --> 00:07:38,389
Take your coloreds
up in Harlem.

197
00:07:38,391 --> 00:07:40,158
Are you saying black people
live in Harlem

198
00:07:40,160 --> 00:07:41,492
because they want to?

199
00:07:41,494 --> 00:07:44,062
Certainly. It's a free
country, ain't it?

200
00:07:44,064 --> 00:07:45,363
They're all up there together.

201
00:07:45,365 --> 00:07:47,798
They all understand
their own kind of lingo there.

202
00:07:47,800 --> 00:07:49,100
And it's easier for them too.

203
00:07:49,102 --> 00:07:50,201
I'll tell you how.

204
00:07:50,203 --> 00:07:51,802
Suppose a relative
comes up from the South,

205
00:07:51,804 --> 00:07:53,104
wants to see his family.

206
00:07:53,106 --> 00:07:58,008
He don't have to go
searching all over town.

207
00:07:58,010 --> 00:08:00,411
All he's got to do is go up,
stand on the corner

208
00:08:00,413 --> 00:08:01,612
of 125th Street
and Lenox Avenue,

209
00:08:01,614 --> 00:08:02,746
and the family turns up.

210
00:08:04,616 --> 00:08:06,016
You know, Arch,
it's a good thing

211
00:08:06,018 --> 00:08:07,418
you never listen
to what you say.

212
00:08:07,420 --> 00:08:08,786
Because if your
brain ever heard

213
00:08:08,788 --> 00:08:10,588
what your mouth was saying,
you'd cut your throat.

214
00:08:10,590 --> 00:08:12,823
Get away from me!

215
00:08:12,825 --> 00:08:13,958
Hi, everybody.

216
00:08:13,960 --> 00:08:15,359
EDITH: Hi, Gloria.
Oh, hi, honey.

217
00:08:15,361 --> 00:08:16,527
I'm sorry I'm late, Michael,

218
00:08:16,529 --> 00:08:17,928
but I stopped
on the way home

219
00:08:17,930 --> 00:08:18,929
to buy you a present.

220
00:08:18,931 --> 00:08:19,930
Hey, what's the occasion?

221
00:08:19,932 --> 00:08:21,466
The occasion
is I love you.

222
00:08:22,667 --> 00:08:26,437
Oh, Archie, ain't that sweet?

223
00:08:26,439 --> 00:08:29,440
No. It makes me sick.

224
00:08:31,110 --> 00:08:32,510
When are they going
to start behaving

225
00:08:32,512 --> 00:08:34,812
like married people?

226
00:08:36,014 --> 00:08:37,315
Open your present,
Michael.

227
00:08:37,317 --> 00:08:39,584
Okay.

228
00:08:39,586 --> 00:08:42,853
A present...
She never buys me no presents.

229
00:08:42,855 --> 00:08:45,590
Hey, Gloria, this is great.

230
00:08:52,797 --> 00:08:53,998
Hey, it's just
what I need

231
00:08:54,000 --> 00:08:55,199
to keep
all my stuff in.

232
00:08:55,201 --> 00:08:57,435
Oh, Archie,
ain't that beautiful?

233
00:08:57,437 --> 00:09:01,239
Holy cow, a purse!

234
00:09:04,176 --> 00:09:08,546
Oh, that's just gorgeous there.

235
00:09:08,548 --> 00:09:11,949
Did you buy him
matching pantyhose?

236
00:09:13,952 --> 00:09:16,454
You're really sick.

237
00:09:16,456 --> 00:09:18,656
Archie, this is a bag
to carry things in.

238
00:09:18,658 --> 00:09:20,158
What's wrong with that?

239
00:09:20,160 --> 00:09:22,527
If you don't know, buddy,
I'll spell it out for you.

240
00:09:22,529 --> 00:09:24,895
F-A-G. Fruit.

241
00:09:26,865 --> 00:09:28,399
There you go again.

242
00:09:28,401 --> 00:09:30,501
Just because something looks
a little bit different to you,

243
00:09:30,503 --> 00:09:32,470
you have to put
a label on it, right?

244
00:09:32,472 --> 00:09:35,906
[LISPING] Well,
if the purse fits, wear it.

245
00:09:38,677 --> 00:09:40,344
Daddy!

246
00:09:40,346 --> 00:09:42,846
Don't you see how practical
this bag is for men?

247
00:09:42,848 --> 00:09:44,582
It'd be great even for you.

248
00:09:44,584 --> 00:09:46,884
I mean, instead of stuffing
your pockets out of shape

249
00:09:46,886 --> 00:09:48,886
with your keys
and your wallet and your cigars,

250
00:09:48,888 --> 00:09:50,788
you could put everything
in just one bag.

251
00:09:50,790 --> 00:09:54,192
No man wears a purse.

252
00:09:54,194 --> 00:09:55,259
Case closed.

253
00:09:55,261 --> 00:09:59,330
In olden days,
lots of men wore purses.

254
00:09:59,332 --> 00:10:00,831
Ah, like who?

255
00:10:00,833 --> 00:10:02,366
Well, like Robin Hood.

256
00:10:05,637 --> 00:10:08,739
Robin Hood was an English f*g.

257
00:10:14,179 --> 00:10:16,614
That's why the sheriff
run him into the woods.

258
00:10:18,283 --> 00:10:19,850
Aw, please.

259
00:10:19,852 --> 00:10:22,052
Can't we just have a nice,
quiet dinner for once,

260
00:10:22,054 --> 00:10:23,221
no arguing?

261
00:10:23,223 --> 00:10:24,822
No, I ain't got
time for dinner.

262
00:10:24,824 --> 00:10:26,591
I got to get
going, but, uh...

263
00:10:26,593 --> 00:10:29,793
youse two girls sit down
with Edith.

264
00:10:29,795 --> 00:10:31,429
Will you stop with that?

265
00:10:31,431 --> 00:10:33,598
You're going bowling
without eating?

266
00:10:33,600 --> 00:10:35,399
That's right, little girl,
because tonight

267
00:10:35,401 --> 00:10:37,134
I'm trying out
for the Cannonballers,

268
00:10:37,136 --> 00:10:38,669
the greatest bowling
team in the league,

269
00:10:38,671 --> 00:10:40,605
and I got to be in tip-toe form.

270
00:10:40,607 --> 00:10:42,506
Now, listen,
Moose Hansen is coming here,

271
00:10:42,508 --> 00:10:43,841
and I want all of youse

272
00:10:43,843 --> 00:10:45,576
to be walking around
on your best foot,

273
00:10:45,578 --> 00:10:46,744
know what I mean?

274
00:10:46,746 --> 00:10:49,079
Because a man is known
by the family he keeps.

275
00:10:49,081 --> 00:10:50,381
You ever hear that?

276
00:10:50,383 --> 00:10:53,718
Edith, Edith, please,
when Moose is here,

277
00:10:53,720 --> 00:10:56,454
none of your dingbat
remarks, huh?

278
00:10:56,456 --> 00:10:58,756
If you feel like saying
anything at all...

279
00:10:58,758 --> 00:10:59,857
don't.

280
00:10:59,859 --> 00:11:02,226
Gloria, and when he's here,

281
00:11:02,228 --> 00:11:04,328
you try behaving
like the little lady you was

282
00:11:04,330 --> 00:11:06,997
before you married
this guy.

283
00:11:06,999 --> 00:11:09,267
And you, all you got to do
is just say hello

284
00:11:09,269 --> 00:11:11,869
and excuse yourself
to the toilet.

285
00:11:11,871 --> 00:11:13,471
Arch, I'm gonna
do you a big favor.

286
00:11:13,473 --> 00:11:15,439
I'm gonna leave the house
altogether, all right?

287
00:11:15,441 --> 00:11:16,840
Ma, Gloria, we're going
out for dinner.

288
00:11:16,842 --> 00:11:18,842
You just wait here.
I want to change my shirt.

289
00:11:18,844 --> 00:11:20,711
GLORIA: Oh, boy!
Oh, ain't that nice?

290
00:11:20,713 --> 00:11:23,013
Mike's taking us out.

291
00:11:23,015 --> 00:11:25,082
You want to eat,
you better bring your own dough.

292
00:11:25,084 --> 00:11:26,250
[DOORBELL BUZZING]

293
00:11:26,252 --> 00:11:27,985
I'll get that. I'll get that.

294
00:11:30,756 --> 00:11:31,756
Hi, Arch.

295
00:11:31,758 --> 00:11:32,956
Moose Hansen!

296
00:11:32,958 --> 00:11:34,759
Come on in, Moose.
How are you?

297
00:11:34,761 --> 00:11:36,226
I want you to meet
the family.

298
00:11:36,228 --> 00:11:37,662
Edith, this is Moose Hansen.

299
00:11:37,664 --> 00:11:39,863
Moose, this is the little lady
Edith, over here. Say hello.

300
00:11:39,865 --> 00:11:41,231
How do you do?

301
00:11:41,233 --> 00:11:43,734
Fine. Archie's told us
a lot about you...

302
00:11:43,736 --> 00:11:46,504
Put a lid on it,
a lid on it, a lid on it.

303
00:11:47,906 --> 00:11:49,707
And this is my lovely daughter,
Gloria, over here.

304
00:11:49,709 --> 00:11:51,275
Say hello
to the Moose.
Hi.

305
00:11:51,277 --> 00:11:52,710
How do you do?

306
00:11:52,712 --> 00:11:54,945
You all set, Arch?
Oh, am I all set!

307
00:11:54,947 --> 00:11:57,715
Yeah. Just let me get my hat
and coat here, Moose.

308
00:11:57,717 --> 00:11:58,916
I got all the equipment ready,

309
00:11:58,918 --> 00:12:01,118
the ball is all polished up
there in the bag,

310
00:12:01,120 --> 00:12:02,586
new laces in the shoes
and everything.

311
00:12:02,588 --> 00:12:03,987
And I want
to tell you something,

312
00:12:03,989 --> 00:12:05,189
this means a lot to me.

313
00:12:05,191 --> 00:12:06,990
I mean, not only bowling
with the Cannonballers,

314
00:12:06,992 --> 00:12:08,192
but I'm looking forward,
you know,

315
00:12:08,194 --> 00:12:09,193
to them monthly smokers...

316
00:12:09,195 --> 00:12:10,328
Hey, Arch, come here.

317
00:12:10,330 --> 00:12:11,895
Hey, Moose! That's
my elbow there.

318
00:12:11,897 --> 00:12:14,097
That ain't a car door.
That's flesh and bone.

319
00:12:14,099 --> 00:12:16,500
Hey, those monthly smokers.

320
00:12:16,502 --> 00:12:18,168
You know,
that's a Cannonballer secret.

321
00:12:18,170 --> 00:12:20,638
Who told you about that?
Hank Phillips.

322
00:12:20,640 --> 00:12:23,874
You know he could get kicked out
for that if he wasn't dead?

323
00:12:25,677 --> 00:12:28,713
Hey, this shirt goes great
with my new bag, huh?

324
00:12:28,715 --> 00:12:30,514
Ah...

325
00:12:39,624 --> 00:12:41,925
Who's this, Arch,
your other daughter?

326
00:12:44,629 --> 00:12:45,796
Moose, I'm sorry.

327
00:12:45,798 --> 00:12:47,565
That's my daughter's
husband over there.

328
00:12:47,567 --> 00:12:49,233
Please, don't
look at him, huh?

329
00:12:49,235 --> 00:12:50,368
Come on, we'd better go.

330
00:12:50,370 --> 00:12:51,869
We gotta be
there in time.

331
00:12:51,871 --> 00:12:54,104
I don't want to be late
for the match, Moose.

332
00:12:54,106 --> 00:12:56,741
Yeah...yeah.

333
00:12:56,743 --> 00:13:00,411
Thanks for helping me out there,
Michelle.

334
00:13:09,754 --> 00:13:11,755
Just get in. Come on.
Just get in, all right?

335
00:13:11,757 --> 00:13:12,823
[WHISTLING OUTSIDE]

336
00:13:12,825 --> 00:13:14,458
Hey, why don't you
idiots grow up, huh?

337
00:13:18,897 --> 00:13:20,064
What's so funny?

338
00:13:20,066 --> 00:13:22,967
You are, getting so angry
at some boys whistling.

339
00:13:22,969 --> 00:13:24,434
Well, I don't like it.

340
00:13:24,436 --> 00:13:25,569
I don't mind, Michael.

341
00:13:25,571 --> 00:13:27,370
I take it
as a compliment.

342
00:13:27,372 --> 00:13:29,172
Gloria, they weren't
whistling at you.

343
00:13:29,174 --> 00:13:31,041
They were
whistling at me.

344
00:13:34,846 --> 00:13:38,381
Hey, why don't
you idiots grow up?

345
00:13:40,619 --> 00:13:42,052
Hey, Michael.

346
00:13:42,054 --> 00:13:44,054
Why don't you help Ma and me
with the puzzle?

347
00:13:44,056 --> 00:13:46,356
All right. I just want
to make a phone call.

348
00:13:46,358 --> 00:13:47,925
EDITH:
Archie!

349
00:13:47,927 --> 00:13:51,194
How did everything go?

350
00:13:51,196 --> 00:13:52,830
Edith, Edith, uh...

351
00:13:52,832 --> 00:13:55,198
I don't...I don't
want to talk about it.

352
00:13:55,200 --> 00:13:58,168
Oh, Archie, I'm sorry.

353
00:13:58,170 --> 00:13:59,703
You didn't make
the team.

354
00:13:59,705 --> 00:14:02,272
Edith, I didn't say that.

355
00:14:02,274 --> 00:14:04,074
What, are you trying
to jinx me or something?

356
00:14:04,076 --> 00:14:06,744
I just said I didn't
want to talk about it.

357
00:14:06,746 --> 00:14:07,745
Hey, hey, you.

358
00:14:07,747 --> 00:14:09,146
Hey, hey,
what are you doing here?

359
00:14:09,148 --> 00:14:11,281
Put down the phone.
Put down the phone.

360
00:14:11,283 --> 00:14:15,019
Put down the phone!
Put down that phone!

361
00:14:15,021 --> 00:14:17,021
I got a crazy man here.
I'll call you back.

362
00:14:17,023 --> 00:14:19,589
Put down that phone!
Put down that phone!

363
00:14:19,591 --> 00:14:20,624
It's down!

364
00:14:20,626 --> 00:14:22,059
Leave it down.

365
00:14:22,061 --> 00:14:23,326
I got a call coming in.

366
00:14:23,328 --> 00:14:26,329
Well, I had a call going out.

367
00:14:26,331 --> 00:14:28,032
I don't want to argue with you.

368
00:14:28,034 --> 00:14:30,067
You might have cost me
membership in the Cannonballers,

369
00:14:30,069 --> 00:14:32,102
wearing that purse
of yours tonight.

370
00:14:32,104 --> 00:14:34,938
Daddy, what happened?
Why are you in such a bad mood?

371
00:14:34,940 --> 00:14:36,106
Listen, little girl.

372
00:14:36,108 --> 00:14:37,708
I don't want
to argue with you neither.

373
00:14:37,710 --> 00:14:39,143
I don't want
to argue with nobody.

374
00:14:39,145 --> 00:14:40,778
Can't youse all tell
when a guy is...

375
00:14:40,780 --> 00:14:42,079
what do you call...
tensed up?

376
00:14:42,081 --> 00:14:43,847
Now, just leave me
alone, all of youse.

377
00:14:43,849 --> 00:14:44,882
Get over here

378
00:14:44,884 --> 00:14:47,184
and do the jigsaw
puzzle or something.

379
00:14:54,726 --> 00:14:55,993
Edith.

380
00:14:55,995 --> 00:14:57,961
What are you doing over there?

381
00:14:57,963 --> 00:14:59,429
Don't you want to hear
what happened?

382
00:15:01,700 --> 00:15:04,802
You said you wanted us
to leave you alone.

383
00:15:04,804 --> 00:15:06,203
Get over here.

384
00:15:08,073 --> 00:15:10,373
Sit down.

385
00:15:10,375 --> 00:15:12,375
Let me tell you
what happened, see?

386
00:15:12,377 --> 00:15:13,577
There's three
of us bowling

387
00:15:13,579 --> 00:15:15,212
for the same spot,
see? All right.

388
00:15:15,214 --> 00:15:17,447
Doug Simmons,
he goes first.

389
00:15:17,449 --> 00:15:19,850
Now, this is a guy, Edith,
who never in his life,

390
00:15:19,852 --> 00:15:22,019
the bum, ever bowled
over 155.

391
00:15:22,021 --> 00:15:25,589
Now, tonight, he goes crazy.
He bowls 167.

392
00:15:25,591 --> 00:15:27,290
I'm watching him,
and I'm sweating b*ll*ts,

393
00:15:27,292 --> 00:15:28,726
I'm so nervous.

394
00:15:28,728 --> 00:15:31,762
Now, this is where Moose Hansen
does an awful nice thing.

395
00:15:31,764 --> 00:15:33,663
He comes over, puts his
arm around my shoulder.

396
00:15:33,665 --> 00:15:36,834
He says, "Hey, Arch, don't get
your bowels in an uproar."

397
00:15:42,006 --> 00:15:43,573
Now, you know,
a thing like that

398
00:15:43,575 --> 00:15:45,242
is bound to give a guy
courage, you know?

399
00:15:46,811 --> 00:15:47,811
So...

400
00:15:47,813 --> 00:15:49,146
I'm next, right?

401
00:15:49,148 --> 00:15:50,347
I jump up on the line.

402
00:15:50,349 --> 00:15:52,349
I grab my ball.
I start in bowling.

403
00:15:52,351 --> 00:15:54,384
Wham-bam, I bowl 172--

404
00:15:54,386 --> 00:15:56,220
not my best,
but very good, right?

405
00:15:56,222 --> 00:15:58,188
Now, Charlie Green,
the last guy, comes up.

406
00:15:58,190 --> 00:16:00,590
I don't think much of him,
but you know what he does?

407
00:16:00,592 --> 00:16:02,960
First two frames...one, two,
two strikes in a row.

408
00:16:02,962 --> 00:16:04,161
I can't look no more.

409
00:16:04,163 --> 00:16:07,030
I says to Doug Simmons,
"Doug, you watch the game,

410
00:16:07,032 --> 00:16:08,632
"and then tell me
how it comes out,

411
00:16:08,634 --> 00:16:09,633
because I can't stay here."

412
00:16:09,635 --> 00:16:11,434
And I run like hell
out of the alleys.

413
00:16:11,436 --> 00:16:13,403
And now you're waiting
for Doug to call you?

414
00:16:13,405 --> 00:16:15,272
Yeah, oh, Edith,
Edith, jeez.

415
00:16:15,274 --> 00:16:17,274
I want to get on
the Cannonballers team so bad,

416
00:16:17,276 --> 00:16:18,275
I can taste it.

417
00:16:18,277 --> 00:16:20,577
Oh, I know, Archie.

418
00:16:20,579 --> 00:16:21,979
Oh, I forgot
to tell you too

419
00:16:21,981 --> 00:16:23,647
about the bowling shirts
the Cannonballers have--

420
00:16:23,649 --> 00:16:25,615
a gorgeous
yellow silk, Edith,

421
00:16:25,617 --> 00:16:28,018
with red piping on the sleeves
and up here at the neck.

422
00:16:28,020 --> 00:16:29,753
And you look good in yellow.

423
00:16:29,755 --> 00:16:31,889
Yeah, I look good in yellow.

424
00:16:31,891 --> 00:16:34,158
And on the back,
they got a picture of a cannon

425
00:16:34,160 --> 00:16:36,860
firing a bowling ball
against pins, you know?

426
00:16:36,862 --> 00:16:38,862
Well, when you got something
like that on your back,

427
00:16:38,864 --> 00:16:39,863
you really know you're somebody.

428
00:16:39,865 --> 00:16:41,631
Yeah.

429
00:16:41,633 --> 00:16:43,066
And in a shirt like that,

430
00:16:43,068 --> 00:16:45,903
I could always find you
in a crowd.

431
00:16:45,905 --> 00:16:47,171
Yeah.

432
00:16:47,173 --> 00:16:48,638
They weren't forgetting
the front neither,

433
00:16:48,640 --> 00:16:50,240
because on the front
of everybody's shirt, see,

434
00:16:50,242 --> 00:16:52,276
right here on the pocket
they got the guy's nickname.

435
00:16:52,278 --> 00:16:54,711
Oh, boy, them Cannonballers
got some great nicknames,

436
00:16:54,713 --> 00:16:57,281
like for the tall guy,
you know, they got "Shorty."

437
00:16:57,283 --> 00:17:00,284
And for the big, fat guy,
they got "Skinny" there.

438
00:17:00,286 --> 00:17:01,484
I ain't maked up my mind

439
00:17:01,486 --> 00:17:03,553
what my nickname's
gonna be yet.

440
00:17:03,555 --> 00:17:05,255
I know a good one.

441
00:17:05,257 --> 00:17:06,256
Yeah?

442
00:17:06,258 --> 00:17:08,391
"Handsome."

443
00:17:17,568 --> 00:17:19,169
Well, that wouldn't work out,
Edith, you see,

444
00:17:19,171 --> 00:17:20,971
because the name's
got to be the opposite

445
00:17:20,973 --> 00:17:23,307
than what the guy is.

446
00:17:23,309 --> 00:17:26,476
Why don't you just use
your initials? A.B.

447
00:17:26,478 --> 00:17:29,246
What kind of nickname is that?

448
00:17:29,248 --> 00:17:31,315
Then they can
all call you "Abie".

449
00:17:35,186 --> 00:17:37,454
You gotta admit, you'd be
the only Abie on that team.

450
00:17:39,057 --> 00:17:41,424
Funny. See how I'm laughing.

451
00:17:41,426 --> 00:17:42,792
[PHONE RINGING]
Now, that's the phone.

452
00:17:42,794 --> 00:17:43,994
I'll get it.

453
00:17:43,996 --> 00:17:46,830
I'll get the phone.
Get away from the phone!

454
00:17:49,567 --> 00:17:51,301
Hello?

455
00:17:51,303 --> 00:17:52,336
Oh, hiya, Doug.

456
00:17:52,338 --> 00:17:55,105
Yeah. Yeah, Doug, hold it.

457
00:17:55,107 --> 00:17:56,306
Just make it short and sweet.

458
00:17:56,308 --> 00:17:58,408
I want to know
about Charlie Green.

459
00:17:58,410 --> 00:18:01,144
What did he bowl?

460
00:18:01,146 --> 00:18:02,980
What?

461
00:18:02,982 --> 00:18:04,882
Say that again.

462
00:18:04,884 --> 00:18:07,084
Oh, boy, thanks for telling me!

463
00:18:07,086 --> 00:18:08,285
Baby, I could kiss you!

464
00:18:08,287 --> 00:18:11,121
He could kiss a guy,
but he won't carry a purse.

465
00:18:12,823 --> 00:18:14,758
Oh, Doug, is that great news!

466
00:18:14,760 --> 00:18:16,093
Doug, Doug, let me hang up.

467
00:18:16,095 --> 00:18:18,295
I'll talk to you later.
Thanks a million for calling me.

468
00:18:18,297 --> 00:18:20,197
Yahoo! I'm in!

469
00:18:20,199 --> 00:18:22,966
Oh, Archie!
I made the Cannonballers!

470
00:18:22,968 --> 00:18:24,834
Congratulations.
You beat Charlie Green.

471
00:18:24,836 --> 00:18:28,171
Charlie Green
only bowled 172.

472
00:18:28,173 --> 00:18:29,773
Wait a second.
Wait a second.

473
00:18:29,775 --> 00:18:32,142
Didn't you tell me
that you bowled 172?

474
00:18:32,144 --> 00:18:33,911
That's right.

475
00:18:33,913 --> 00:18:35,312
Well, then you
and Charlie Green tied.

476
00:18:35,314 --> 00:18:36,746
That's right.

477
00:18:36,748 --> 00:18:38,748
Well, how do you know
they didn't pick Charlie Green?

478
00:18:38,750 --> 00:18:41,985
Because, as I told you before,
which you forgot,

479
00:18:41,987 --> 00:18:43,553
it ain't only the bowling.

480
00:18:43,555 --> 00:18:45,055
It's the guy, see?

481
00:18:45,057 --> 00:18:47,925
Like where he's from,
who he is, what he is...

482
00:18:47,927 --> 00:18:49,993
Is it possible
that Charlie Green is Jewish?

483
00:18:51,229 --> 00:18:52,529
Even better for me,
he's a spade.

484
00:18:53,932 --> 00:18:55,399
Oh, that's beautiful,
beautiful.

485
00:18:55,401 --> 00:18:56,599
When are you going to stop

486
00:18:56,601 --> 00:18:58,001
with that
rotten language, huh?

487
00:18:58,003 --> 00:19:00,770
Yeah, and you're happy
about belonging to a team

488
00:19:00,772 --> 00:19:03,006
that won't let a man in
just because he's black?

489
00:19:03,008 --> 00:19:05,943
Listen, little girl,
I didn't make up the rules.

490
00:19:05,945 --> 00:19:07,444
I just go by them,
that's all.

491
00:19:07,446 --> 00:19:08,545
[DOORBELL BUZZES]
Now, listen...

492
00:19:08,547 --> 00:19:09,679
I'll get the bell.

493
00:19:09,681 --> 00:19:12,615
Go back and do your
jigsaw puzzle, huh?

494
00:19:12,617 --> 00:19:13,616
Don't be standing
there, Edith.

495
00:19:13,618 --> 00:19:14,517
Sit down, will you?

496
00:19:16,654 --> 00:19:17,854
Oh, hiya, Barney.
Come on in.

497
00:19:17,856 --> 00:19:18,855
Hi, Arch, how are you?

498
00:19:18,857 --> 00:19:19,856
Hi, Edith.

499
00:19:19,858 --> 00:19:20,857
Hello, Barney.

500
00:19:20,859 --> 00:19:22,525
Hey, hey, Arch.
Come on, it's 8:30.

501
00:19:22,527 --> 00:19:24,027
We can't keep
them alleys waiting.

502
00:19:24,029 --> 00:19:25,262
Let's go bowling, pal.

503
00:19:25,264 --> 00:19:27,831
Ah, well, Barney, see,
I already been bowling.

504
00:19:27,833 --> 00:19:29,699
What do you mean
you already been?

505
00:19:29,701 --> 00:19:30,700
Barney...

506
00:19:30,702 --> 00:19:31,701
Yeah?

507
00:19:31,703 --> 00:19:33,570
I made
the Cannonballers tonight.

508
00:19:33,572 --> 00:19:36,340
Hey, hey, hey,
put her there, pal!

509
00:19:36,342 --> 00:19:37,874
The Cannonballers.

510
00:19:37,876 --> 00:19:39,009
Whoo-hoo!

511
00:19:39,011 --> 00:19:40,643
Hey, well, you guys bowl
Tuesday night, huh?

512
00:19:40,645 --> 00:19:44,214
Well, we'll just have to pick
another night to go bowling.

513
00:19:44,216 --> 00:19:46,216
Yeah, well, Barney,
being a Cannonballer,

514
00:19:46,218 --> 00:19:48,218
I don't think I can bowl
with you no more.

515
00:19:48,220 --> 00:19:49,719
Well, why not?

516
00:19:49,721 --> 00:19:52,655
Well, you know how it is
in big-time sports.

517
00:19:52,657 --> 00:19:54,124
Once you make the major leagues,

518
00:19:54,126 --> 00:19:56,559
you don't want to play
with the bush leaguers no more.

519
00:19:56,561 --> 00:19:59,229
This is
the old brush-a-roo, Arch?

520
00:19:59,231 --> 00:20:01,431
No. No, it ain't that.

521
00:20:01,433 --> 00:20:03,633
But you'd do the same thing
if you was a Cannonballer.

522
00:20:03,635 --> 00:20:05,335
I mean, it's the chance
of a lifetime.

523
00:20:05,337 --> 00:20:07,971
Oh, yeah, well, if it's
the chance of a lifetime,

524
00:20:07,973 --> 00:20:09,373
I guess I'd have to.

525
00:20:09,375 --> 00:20:11,508
I mean, for the sake
of my wife and kids

526
00:20:11,510 --> 00:20:14,144
and my future
in the whole world.

527
00:20:14,146 --> 00:20:16,779
Ah, come on, Barney, will you?
You see my point.

528
00:20:16,781 --> 00:20:19,849
No, I don't see it, Arch,
but I feel it.

529
00:20:19,851 --> 00:20:22,319
It's sticking right back here.
You crumb.

530
00:20:22,321 --> 00:20:23,920
Come on, there, Barney.

531
00:20:23,922 --> 00:20:25,989
And I'll tell you
something else, Archie.

532
00:20:25,991 --> 00:20:28,058
I ain't being friends
with you no more.

533
00:20:28,060 --> 00:20:30,093
You're jealous, Barney.
You're jealous.

534
00:20:30,095 --> 00:20:31,928
You're a jerk, Arch.

535
00:20:34,165 --> 00:20:36,933
He's jealous. Did you see
that jealous guy there?

536
00:20:36,935 --> 00:20:38,935
He ain't going to be friends
with me no more.

537
00:20:38,937 --> 00:20:40,737
What do I care?
I got plenty of friends.

538
00:20:40,739 --> 00:20:41,938
And I got
new friends too.

539
00:20:41,940 --> 00:20:43,740
Friends who are gonna do
some good for me.

540
00:20:43,742 --> 00:20:46,009
Yeah, like rip the door
off your car.

541
00:20:47,178 --> 00:20:49,312
Shut up, you.

542
00:20:49,314 --> 00:20:51,314
They'll do things
for you too, Edith.

543
00:20:51,316 --> 00:20:53,016
Hey, hey, did I tell you

544
00:20:53,018 --> 00:20:54,918
about the annual banquet
of the Cannonballers?

545
00:20:54,920 --> 00:20:55,952
No.

546
00:20:55,954 --> 00:20:58,621
Oh, Edith, wait till
I tell you about this.

547
00:20:58,623 --> 00:21:01,991
The annual banquet, which
means once a year, see.

548
00:21:01,993 --> 00:21:02,992
Oh...

549
00:21:02,994 --> 00:21:04,294
You know what they do?

550
00:21:04,296 --> 00:21:06,296
They hire the American
Legion Hall out in Mineola,

551
00:21:06,298 --> 00:21:07,897
which is beautiful
out there, you know?

552
00:21:07,899 --> 00:21:09,132
Oh, yeah.

553
00:21:09,134 --> 00:21:10,934
And then they come around
right to your door,

554
00:21:10,936 --> 00:21:12,602
pick you up in
a big special bus

555
00:21:12,604 --> 00:21:15,738
to take you out there,
first-class all the way.

556
00:21:15,740 --> 00:21:16,806
And then in the bus,

557
00:21:16,808 --> 00:21:19,176
they got a keg
of beer, see.

558
00:21:19,178 --> 00:21:20,577
And then to work
up your thirst,

559
00:21:20,579 --> 00:21:23,813
they pass out them
big salty pretzels, see.

560
00:21:23,815 --> 00:21:25,148
And if that
wasn't enough,

561
00:21:25,150 --> 00:21:26,383
when they get
you out there,

562
00:21:26,385 --> 00:21:29,219
they turn on a big feast
like you never seen before--

563
00:21:29,221 --> 00:21:31,188
all the cold cuts
and potato salad

564
00:21:31,190 --> 00:21:33,923
you can shove into yourself.

565
00:21:33,925 --> 00:21:36,526
And when it's all over,
I go up and get my trophy.

566
00:21:36,528 --> 00:21:38,895
How do you know
you're gonna win one?

567
00:21:38,897 --> 00:21:42,432
Everybody wins one, Edith, gee.

568
00:21:42,434 --> 00:21:45,368
I mean, there's a trophy
for high series.

569
00:21:45,370 --> 00:21:47,104
There's one
for best single game.

570
00:21:47,106 --> 00:21:49,406
There's one
for most improved bowler,

571
00:21:49,408 --> 00:21:51,174
for bowler
most likely to improve,

572
00:21:51,176 --> 00:21:52,809
for bowler
with the best personality.

573
00:21:52,811 --> 00:21:55,545
Bowler with the most prejudice.

574
00:21:55,547 --> 00:21:59,015
Listen, you, I only got
one thing to say to you,

575
00:21:59,017 --> 00:22:00,250
and it's this:

576
00:22:00,252 --> 00:22:02,119
Why don't you go
take a running jump

577
00:22:02,121 --> 00:22:04,254
into the middle
of Lake Polack?

578
00:22:04,256 --> 00:22:05,622
Hey, hey,
just watch it, huh?

579
00:22:05,624 --> 00:22:06,656
[DOORBELL BUZZES]

580
00:22:06,658 --> 00:22:08,024
MICHAEL:
Just stop with that.

581
00:22:08,026 --> 00:22:09,593
I'll get it.
I'll get it, Edith.

582
00:22:09,595 --> 00:22:10,760
I'll get the door.

583
00:22:10,762 --> 00:22:12,162
You just get me
something to eat.

584
00:22:12,164 --> 00:22:13,763
I'm so hungry,
I could eat a horse.

585
00:22:13,765 --> 00:22:14,998
Right away, Archie.

586
00:22:15,000 --> 00:22:17,033
Hey, look who's here,
Moose Hansen.
Arch.

587
00:22:17,035 --> 00:22:18,301
Come on in here, Moose.

588
00:22:18,303 --> 00:22:19,503
Hey, and I bet I know

589
00:22:19,505 --> 00:22:21,371
what you come back
to tell me, huh?

590
00:22:21,373 --> 00:22:24,007
Arch, I got bad news for you.
You didn't make the team.

591
00:22:24,009 --> 00:22:26,143
Huh?
We had to take
Charlie Green.

592
00:22:26,145 --> 00:22:27,144
But why?

593
00:22:27,146 --> 00:22:29,012
Pressure, Arch, pressure.

594
00:22:29,014 --> 00:22:30,079
The league committee,

595
00:22:30,081 --> 00:22:31,381
the coloreds
on the other teams--

596
00:22:31,383 --> 00:22:32,582
we had to do it, Arch.

597
00:22:32,584 --> 00:22:34,518
I bowled
as high as Charlie Green.

598
00:22:34,520 --> 00:22:35,718
That's the problem.

599
00:22:35,720 --> 00:22:37,720
If you'd have beat him,
we could have taken you,

600
00:22:37,722 --> 00:22:39,722
but you didn't,
so we had to take Charlie.

601
00:22:39,724 --> 00:22:41,124
You took Charlie Green?

602
00:22:41,126 --> 00:22:43,293
He bowled as good
as you, Arch.

603
00:22:43,295 --> 00:22:45,629
And I'll say this for Charlie,
he sure looks good in yellow.

604
00:22:47,131 --> 00:22:49,866
Wait a minute,
I look good in yellow.

605
00:22:49,868 --> 00:22:52,235
I don't like this
any more than you do,

606
00:22:52,237 --> 00:22:54,237
but you can't fight it.
The world's changing.

607
00:22:54,239 --> 00:22:55,639
And every time it changes,

608
00:22:55,641 --> 00:22:59,442
it gives me
another kick in the butt.

609
00:22:59,444 --> 00:23:02,011
I'm sorry, Arch,
but I'll tell you what.

610
00:23:02,013 --> 00:23:04,614
If anyone else dies,
we'll call you first.

611
00:23:10,087 --> 00:23:12,656
Archie, here's a sandwich.

612
00:23:12,658 --> 00:23:15,225
Aw, take it away
again, Edith.

613
00:23:15,227 --> 00:23:16,593
I ain't hungry no more.

614
00:23:16,595 --> 00:23:19,028
But you said
you was hungry as a horse.

615
00:23:19,030 --> 00:23:22,599
That's when the horse
was a different color, Ma.

616
00:23:22,601 --> 00:23:23,633
What happened?

617
00:23:23,635 --> 00:23:26,369
Charlie Green
is the new Cannonballer.

618
00:23:26,371 --> 00:23:30,139
Oh, Archie,
you didn't make the team.

619
00:23:30,141 --> 00:23:31,241
No.

620
00:23:31,243 --> 00:23:32,909
Oh, I'm sorry.

621
00:23:32,911 --> 00:23:36,379
Well, maybe you'll get
another chance.

622
00:23:36,381 --> 00:23:39,216
Yeah, yeah, I will.

623
00:23:39,218 --> 00:23:41,951
Moose Hansen just told me...

624
00:23:41,953 --> 00:23:44,454
I'm next on the death list.

625
00:23:52,863 --> 00:23:55,031
It's 8:00, Archie.

626
00:23:55,033 --> 00:23:58,101
I thought you and Barney Hefner
was going bowling.

627
00:23:58,103 --> 00:23:59,336
I thought so too, Edith,

628
00:23:59,338 --> 00:24:01,338
but the bum calls me up
at the last minute,

629
00:24:01,340 --> 00:24:03,139
tells me he's going
to the fights with McNab.

630
00:24:03,141 --> 00:24:04,641
Oh.

631
00:24:05,809 --> 00:24:08,578
Would you like me
to go bowling with you?

632
00:24:13,684 --> 00:24:16,219
Stick to what you know, huh?

633
00:24:19,290 --> 00:24:21,224
What's that?

634
00:24:23,561 --> 00:24:25,629
You don't know neither, huh?

635
00:24:41,612 --> 00:24:45,214
[♪]

636
00:24:45,216 --> 00:24:47,484
ANNOUNCER: All in the Family
was recorded on tape

637
00:24:47,486 --> 00:24:49,152
before a live audience.

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03x14 - Archie and the Bowling Team

03x14 - Archie and the Bowling Team