Come on. Come on. Come on.
Come on. Come on!
Hey, honey.
Hey.
Are you stuck like that?
Yeah, kind of.
See, an hour ago,
the cubs were losing...
Mm-hmm.
And I put my foot on the table,
and Ramirez hit a home run.
Oh.
Then minutes later,
I-I put my hand on the chair
to balance myself--
derrek Lee
drives two runs in.
Well, honey,
I hope your cubs win.
Oh, thank you, baby.
Mm.
And that's
a single up the middle,
and the cubs
have tied the game.
Don't move.
And that's the ball game.
Cubs win! Cubs win!
Yes!
We did it. We did it. We did it.
We did it. We did it.
Thank you, baby.
Oh, no problem.
And game of our doubleheader
will begin in minutes.
All right, come on.
But I have to go
to the bathroom.
In three hours, Kyle.
♪♪♪
Come on, mom.
It's just the mall.
All the other kids
are going.
But no parents are going.
You're too young.
Mom, I'm .
In biblical times,
year olds were mothers.
And that is exactly why
you're not going.
God, mom, how can
you be so uncool?
Years of practice.
Yeah, a lot of years.
You should hope you got this
going on when you're my age.
No! No!
It's just the mall, Jim.
All the other guys are going.
No! No way.
It--it's a workday.
"Axis power of evil "
comes out at : A.M.
It's the biggest video game
of the year.
I'm gonna camp out all night
so I'm first in line.
Andy, you know, no way
you're gonna do that.
You're gonna sleep
at work all day.
I am years old.
I can make my own decisions.
You know, in biblical times,
I'd be dead by now.
Andy, you wouldn't be dead,
but two of every animal
would be trying to board you.
God, mom,
I get it!
Do not walk away
from me.
No, no, no, no, no.
I am talking to you,
young lady.
I'm going to my room,
less young lady.
Good. Good. I want you
to go to your room.
Good.
Good.
Good!
Good!
Good!
This is not good.
What are they
fighting about?
I don't know,
and I don't care.
Ruby's going through one
of those difficult times
that all girls go through,
you know, between
the ages of and .
Well, aren't you
gonna do something?
No way, no way
do you get between
a daughter
and a mother fighting.
The only thing you can do
is hose 'em down.
I'm never gonna
come out of my room!
I've got doors,
too, you know!
Wow, it's like
a w*r zone here.
Yeah, get the hose. Ooh.
Speaking of w*r zones,
"axis power of evil "
has five customizable levels
of multiplayer carnage.
Forget it, Andy!
No. I'll let you be h*tler.
Stalin?
Hugo Chávez.
You like him.
I don't like him.
I just think
he dresses well.
Now you're not going
to the mall.
Fine.
Ruby, this is your father!
Get down here right now!
I need to talk to you!
Hey, what the hell?
You forced my hand, Jim,
so take that.
What does that mean?
Oh, it's
a little something.
I'm trying to see
if it'll catch on,
and I'm camping out
at the mall.
What?
Nothing.
False alarm.
I thought
you wanted to talk.
Come on, Ruby,
do I ever want to talk?
You know, now that
I'm down here...
You're gonna vacuum?
Dad, you're so funny
and so easy to talk to.
Oh, Ruby, stop trying
to butter me up.
I just wish mom could
be cool like you.
What's on your mind,
sweetheart?
You know what's great
about you, dad?
You just go with the flow.
You don't get all worked up
about stuff.
Yeah, that is great
about me...
I mean, you know, on a list
of many great things.
Exactly. Why can't mom
be that cool?
Can you believe she won't
let me go to the mall
because there aren't gonna
be any parents around?
That is so her.
Totally.
Totally.
With her, everything has to be,
like, an epic freak-out.
Let me explain something
to you, Ruby.
Moms go through this thing
called "the change"
where they go from "cool"
to "uncool,"
and sometimes they get hot
for no reason at all.
I guess there's just no way
to change her mind about this.
I mean, you know...
She's not the cool one.
I'll talk to her for you.
Oh, my god, you would?
Yeah.
You're the coolest dad ever.
Well...
I hope you never go
through "the change."
Well, "the change" is
a little different for dads.
When they go
through "the change,"
they get a young girlfriend
and a fast car.
I'll talk to your mom.
Let me do
my little Jim magic.
Oh, hey, Cheryl.
I just got home.
You did not.
I saw you cowering by the door
when I was fighting with Ruby.
I was not cowering.
Oh, yeah? Why were you
holding hands with Andy?
'Cause I was scared.
Because your daughter
is out of control.
Okay, now wait a minute.
I just talked to her, all right?
Oh, yeah?
Yeah, and--
and you know what?
Possibly, the small thing--
you could relax a little bit.
Relax?
Not "relax," not that word,
or "calm down,"
any of those words
that you hate. Not--
okay, okay, what did
Ruby say to you?
Nothing.
Huh?
Nothing at all,
just that, you know,
her friends are going.
The mall's a safe place.
You don't need
an epic freak-out here.
"Epic freak-out," Jim?
Yeah.
What, did Ruby write down
the exact words
she wanted you to say to me?
No, Cheryl.
Uh-huh.
You know, just maybe
I know how to talk to kids.
Oh.
Yeah, and it turns out
that I might be just
a little cooler than you.
You're cooler than me.
That's what I've been told.
Yeah, by who?
People, my peeps.
Oh, right, your "peeps."
My peeps.
Yeah.
They're out there.
Just ask 'em.
You know
who I'm gonna ask?
I'm gonna ask Ruby,
because she is working you
like a hand puppet,
and you don't
even know it.
Yeah?
Yeah.
Well...
What is that?
Look who's not so cool now.
So...
Aah!
How'd it go?
Epic freak-out.
I guess that means
I can't go...
I guess.
Since mom's the boss.
Hold it.
She is not the boss.
She is middle management.
I am the c.E.O.,
the c.F.O.,
the m.V.P. And the ayatollah
of rock 'n' roll-a.
Daddy,
what are you saying?
I am saying you're going...
To the mall.
Really?
Shh!
I'll just tell your mom
I'm taking you to
your friend's house to study,
and then us cool people
will have a cool secret.
Are you cool with that?
Totally.
All right, just so I know
what I'm talking about here,
just the mall, right?
Yes.
Are there gonna be
any boys there?
Probably.
Any dr*gs?
I have no idea.
Okay, as long as I've asked
the tough questions.
...where venezuelan
strongman Hugo Chávez
addressed the united nations.
What was he wearing?
What was he wearing?
Hey, my beautiful
young doll.
Did you have fun?
Yeah, it was awesome.
Were there boys there?
Yeah.
Any dr*gs?
No.
Yes!
Thank you for making
your old man look so good.
I knew I was right
to trust you.
Thanks for believing
in me, dad.
Aw, baby.
Me and my friends
were talking.
Mm-hmm.
And you got voted
second-coolest dad.
Aw, baby, thanks.
Wait a minute, second?
I let you roam around a mall
infested with boys and dr*gs,
and I'm second?
Number two's good.
Come on, what do I gotta do
to be number one?
I mean, I'm already
in a band.
Well, Erin's dad lets her
drive his car sometimes.
All right,
hands at : and : .
Very good.
Okay, now just give it
a little gas.
Hit the brake! Hit the brake!
Hit the brake!
This is so cool!
Epically cool?
Epically cool
would be if I could drive
without you in the car.
Uh, i-i-i think I'm good
with just regular cool.
Can I do doughnuts?
No.
How about a bootlegger's turn
with the e-brake?
I don't even know
what that is.
How about
I scare that nerd?
As long as you got
your seat belt on.
: and : ,
: and : .
Aah!
Oh, my god.
That nerd was uncle Andy.
It was?
Yeah.
All right, listen, this stays
between you and me, right?
Got it.
All right,
'cause believe me,
if your mom's not cool enough
to let you go to the mall,
she's not cool enough
to let you drive at night,
underage, without a license.
But hey,
we're not drinking,
and you finished
all your homework.
Most of it.
Yes! Most of your homework.
Put that in your centrifuge,
Kim jong il!
What the fudge?
Is that
"axis power of evil "?
Dad let me and my friend Stan
camp out at the mall.
We were first in line.
W-well, can I borrow it?
Go to the mall
and get your own.
Ooh! Oh, hell no.
No, no, no. Three days ago, some
maniacs tried to run me down.
I think
they were on dr*gs.
So, Jim, when were you
gonna tell me?
Right now.
I love you, Cheryl.
You backed into my Van
with your truck.
I didn't know I did that.
Was I hurt?
Oh...
Jim, how many times
have I warned you
about backing out of
the garage without looking?
I always look.
No, you don't. You're always
messing with the radio
or putting sugar
in your coffee.
Or plucking nose hairs.
I've seen it.
You know, all I hear
are accusations.
I see no hard evidence.
Okay, there's a dent
in the back of your truck
that exactly matches a dent
in the front of my Van.
That's
pretty good evidence.
And I'm guessing your truck
didn't drive itself.
Oh, I see.
So you didn't do it,
and, uh,
no one else in this family
has a license,
right?
So I guess, logically
then, it would be me.
Jim, I can't believe
you'd do that
to a member
of your own family.
Kyle, look, Santa claus!
Afternoon.
Wait.
Don't you have something
to say to me?
Yeah, we're out
of apple juice.
I can't believe you're leaving
me hanging with your accident.
My accident?
There's plenty of hard evidence
that it's your accident.
Knock it off.
Sit down.
Now I know you backed my truck
into mom's Van.
I wanted
to practice driving.
You and mom went
for a walk,
and the keys were
just sitting there.
Look, mistakes were made.
Yeah, I think having you
might have been one of 'em.
Now you gotta come clean,
and you gotta
tell your mom everything.
Everything?
Yes, everything.
That I backed your truck
into her Van...
Yes.
Because you let me drive
the truck the other night?
Hold on, missy.
I know what you're
trying to do here,
and it's not working.
Oh, really?
Yes, really.
I'm sorry, mom. I realized
once I got to the mall,
I was in way over my head,
but dad said
it'd build character,
and then he made me
drive the truck
so that he could
be the cool dad.
But I didn't
feel cool at all.
Oh.
Wow.
You know,
a father looks forward
to those moments
in his daughter's life--
the first words,
the first steps,
not the first blackmail!
Well, here's one
for your photo album.
An th grader is having
a party Saturday night,
and guess who's decided
she's going.
You're kidding me.
Nope, and you're driving me.
What?
Unless you want me
to go talk to mom.
Wait, have you
lost your mind?
Oh, Jim.
J-Jim?!
You--you--
you got me
handcuffed, girl.
Nice job.
If it makes you
feel any better...
I feel really bad
jacking you up like this.
That is a lie.
Wow, look at that.
You're so cool you can recognize
when I'm lying to you.
Ruby!
♪♪♪
That's far enough.
Pick me up at midnight.
Midnight?
I'll text you
if it's gonna be later.
Okay, and I'll text you
with the address
of your new foster home.
Perhaps you've forgotten.
I've got you handcuffed.
Yeah, you know,
I was thinking about that.
You do have me handcuffed,
and now
I have you handcuffed.
You can't do that to me!
Yes, I can.
Oh, my gosh, Ruby,
Josh just talked to Zach.
He was totally
asking about you.
Rube, that is totally
epically awesome.
Um, yeah, that's great.
Come on, rube, let's go see
if Zach wants to dance.
Josh, do you really think
Zach wants to dance?
Totally.
Totally!
Let's go dance, baby.
Come on,
let's go dance. Oh!
Could you guys give me a second?
I need to pay my cab driver.
Do I look
like a cab driver?
Take me home.
Take you home? What--what
do you want to go now for?
We just got here.
I'm not gonna
let you embarrass me
in front
of all my friends.
How can I
embarrass you, Ruby?
I'm the second-coolest dad
going.
Come on, let's dance.
Wow!
Start talking.
Do I have to?
Unless you want to be
handcuffed to me at the prom,
start talking.
Oh, come on, Ruby,
you're a good kid.
I-I don't know why you're acting
like this all of a sudden.
Because lately,
mom won't let me do anything,
and I'm not
a little kid anymore.
Well, that's true.
You lie like an adult,
and you blackmail
like the Russian mob.
I wasn't totally
making it up.
You are kind of
the cool one.
I just mean
I can talk to you.
And that's the kind of reward
I get for being cool,
you take advantage of me?
I know. I shouldn't
have done that.
But it was so easy.
Oh.
Well, you know,
it's my fault, too.
I mean, I shouldn't have lied
to your mother for you.
I know.
I mean, it's wrong,
it doesn't help,
and how the hell are you gonna
learn to lie for yourself?
What am I supposed to do?
You want my advice?
Leave me
the hell out of it.
I mean, come on, face it.
I-I gotta take your mom's side
on these things, Ruby.
Why?
Well, we're a team,
and when you leave the house,
you're not gonna
take half my stuff.
Great.
Be prepared for a lot
of screaming then.
Ruby,
if things get bad,
I'll be there for you.
I mean, I can't do anything
or help you,
but I'll be there for you.
I'm never gonna fight
with my daughter.
Right.
Wait until she takes your car
without permission
and crashes
into your other car.
All I'm hearing
is I've got two cars.
Honey, you just gotta
give it some time.
Trust me.
You and your mom
will work things out.
Thanks, dad.
You are cool.
Mm, yeah.
Oh, what the hell was that?
Oh, my god.
You hit mom's car.
Oh, crap!
Crap!
Crap.
Crap.
Hey, back from
the library already?
Mom, we need to talk.
Okay.
The thing is,
we kind--
uh, Ruby,
let me handle this.
Why don't you go upstairs,
hit the sack?
You sure?
Yeah.
Aw.
Wow, that was unexpected.
You know, Cheryl, maybe
I don't say this enough,
but you're a good mother.
That's even more unexpected.
You know, Cheryl...
I need to talk to you
about your car.
I am, uh, just tired
of hiding the truth.
Well, Jim, I am very happy
to hear that.
I didn't hit it.
Andy did...
Both times.
Wait, what--what
do you mean both times?
Well, again tonight.
No way!
Yes!
Oh, my god--and--and to think
I felt so bad for him
when he almost got
run over at the mall.
He makes those stories up.
No!
I think he's on dr*gs.
Oh, my god.