Andy, is there anything
I love more than a sandwich?
Your kids.
Only if they're
making me a sandwich.
Oh, crap.
This bread's moldy.
Freeze!
Andy, I may be crazy,
but is that...
The face
of Walter Payton!
It's the face
of Walter Payton!
Walter Payton!
I-I'll get
the sacred tupperware.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh, Jim, two years ago,
we found a moldy piece of bread
with the face of Mike ditka.
Yes, and last year we found
this piece of cheese
with the face of Jim McMahon.
And then the holy Bologna...
Yes.
With the face
of Mike singletary.
And now...
With Payton
on this piece of bread...
We can build the sandwich
of the ' bears.
Hello, boys.
William "the--the--
the refrigerator" Perry?
Oh, my god.
I'm here to eat your babies.
Uh...
Oh, just kidding.
I'm here to Grant you
one wish.
And nothing
too freaky deaky.
Jim, i-i-i know it's
your sandwich and your wish...
Right.
But just once, I'd love to fit
in a pair of hip hugger jeans.
I wish...
For a thousand more wishes!
Dang. You b*at the system.
Yes!
Don't go spreading that
around.
Oh, you--you--you did...
A thousand wishes.
A thousand wishes!
♪ Go, Jim, go, Jim
♪ go, Jim, go, Jim
♪ Jim, Jim
♪ Jim, Jim
Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim.
Huh? Huh?
Jim, Jim, Jim.
Huh? What?
Hey. The kids
are at the neighbors',
and the twins are asleep.
Wanna make
a Jim and Cheryl sandwich?
I do indeed.
Hey,
nothing too freaky deaky.
♪♪♪
Hey.
Hey. Almost done.
What do you think?
I think
some elementary school
is missing
their tetherball pole.
You know what? They didn't
miss their tire swing.
They're not gonna miss this.
This is gonna be so much fun,
can I go first?
Oh, I'm sorry, girls.
This isn't for you.
This is for Kyle because he got
a "b" on his last report card.
What? I got straight a's,
and I don't even get
a pat on the back.
Gracie, give your sister
a pat on the back.
Good job, bookworm.
Now go get the young scholar
and tell him to come out here.
Ah.
Okay, so why tetherball?
Well, I figured
it was the only sport
where even
he couldn't lose the ball.
You know, honey,
I-I just don't think
he's much of a sports fan.
That's because he's so focused
on his studies.
Jim, the "b"
we're honoring him for
was in attendance.
He didn't miss any days,
and he got a "b."
Well, I'm sorry, Cheryl,
but the point is,
he's gonna be very excited
about this,
and he's gonna wanna play
with me.
Hey! There you are,
my scholar,
my bright young boy.
This is for you.
Cool. A flagpole and a ball.
Thanks.
No, no, no. This is tetherball.
It's a game.
What's the flagpole do?
Well, it--it--it holds
the ball.
Where's the flag?
A "b"...
In attendance.
Well, there's no flagpole.
You see, I hit the ball
on the other side
of the pole to you.
Where it hits my face?
No, you hit it back to me.
With my face?
Listen, young man, i-i-i-i know
you've been hit in the face
with a basketball
and a baseball...
And a golf ball...
A bowling ball.
Bowling ball.
But this is gonna be different.
This is gonna be really fun.
You want to play with me?
Do I have to?
Kyle!
Present!
That's really good, son.
You're on your way to a "b"-plus
next year in school.
Sweetheart, your uncle Andy's
calling you.
Nice try.
No, no. He liked it.
I mean, you know how guys are.
He just didn't get all excited
about it. That's all.
I'm so excited!
Thanks, uncle Andy.
Oh, my gosh. This is the coolest
thing I've ever seen.
I know, right?
You're welcome, Kyle.
I love magnesium man.
Who's milk of magnesia man?
It's magnesium man,
and he's the coolest superhero
in the world.
Oh, Andy, that's so sweet.
Well, it's not every day
a man on Jim's side
of the family gets a "b."
A lot of 'em
can't even spell "b."
Very funny.
Come on. Let's go, uh,
play some tetherball.
Do you have more superheroes
at your house?
I even have
a life-size limited edition
magnesium man super secret
space center.
With the swivel chair
and the working ottoman?
What?!
Shinier than steel.
Less flexible than gold.
Mag-mag-magnesium!
Wow.
I can't believe it.
I'm all alone.
I'm right here.
Oh. Well, then do you mind
taking a walk?
Shinier than steel.
Mag-mag-magnesium!
Ow!
Stupid...
Game!
Are you okay?
What's wrong?
I've been out here
for an hour,
and now you come out
and ask me what's wrong?
Oh, I'm sorry, honey.
What's wrong?
Well, now you're asking me
because I asked you to ask me.
Honey, I really,
sincerely want to know.
What's wrong?
I don't know.
Do you think
maybe you're upset
'cause Kyle wants to play
with Andy instead of you?
What's with the third degree
all of a sudden?
Can't a man just play tetherball
by himself?
Fine. Do you want a beer?
Will beer come out here
and play with the old man?
No, but it'll help me
get through this afternoon.
Hey, there's my son.
Hello, citizen.
Hello.
You--you come here to knock
the ball around with your dad?
Uh, no.
Well, what are you here for?
I need to get some tinfoil
for my costume.
Me and uncle Andy are making
a beryllium boy suit.
Who is beryllium boy?
He's magnesium man's
trusty sidekick.
He's got awesome powers.
Like what?
He can sense the temperature
of anything just by touching it.
Be-be-beryllium!
Be-be-beryllium.
Huh!
Hey. Jim.
Hey. Ow!
Is that a tetherball?
Wow. That really takes me
back to grade school.
You used to play?
No, no, but the cool kids
used to tie me up to the pole.
Hey, speaking of which,
do you mind if I take Kyle
to sci-con tomorrow?
Oh, come on, Andy.
You want to take
an -year-old boy to Vietnam?
No, no, no, no.
Not Saigon, sci-con.
It's a science fiction
enthusiast convention.
You know, Andy,
nothing personal,
but I would
never forgive myself
if I allowed Kyle
to grow up to be you.
That's outrageous.
How--how could you say
something like that to me?
Oh, no. It's okay.
I said, "nothing personal."
Well, it felt personal.
Well, I don't mean you.
I mean, you know,
people like you, your kind.
I swear to god, Jim.
Do not do it.
Do not drop the "n" b*mb.
N-n-n-nerd!
God! I don't believe you.
Is that still where we are
in this country?
What is the problem?
Okay, the preferred nomenclature
is "science fiction American."
How would you say that
in klingon?
Nag bat karlam.
Nerd!
And I don't want my son
catching it from you.
You can't catch nerd, Jim.
Oh, you can say it now.
Oh, yeah, 'cause
when we say it to each other,
it's a term of endearment.
Oh. It's confusing
to the rest of us, Andy,
you know, guys with wives
and girlfriends.
Don't hate the nerd.
Hate the game.
Ah, get outta here.
And let me tell you
something else, Jim, okay?
Kyle was born a nerd,
he'll grow up to be a nerd...
Mm-hmm.
And when he dies,
they'll scatter his nerd ashes
throughout
the mooradian system.
I am the boy's father.
I will decide where and when
his ashes will be scattered.
Well, I'm his uncle,
and he'd rather be with me
than his dopey, pigheaded,
nerd-o-phobic dad!
Oh!
You know what?
Your dad would rather
walk in front of a bus
than be with you!
Says the man whose dad
left him when he was !
All right. All right.
I am gonna walk away before one
of us says something hurtful.
And now back to "Star Trek."
Our "Star Trek--
the next generation"
marathon continues.
Up next
on "bbq with Bobby flay"...
Ooh.
Bobby grills a Kansas City
bone-in rib eye...
Ah.
With "Star Trek's"
George takei.
Jim, do you have any idea
why Kyle's upstairs
in his bed
crying
and wrapped in tinfoil?
Yes.
He's a sad nerd.
You know, honey,
nerds are cool now.
Those guys that invented
Google are billionaires.
Yeah, but have they
ever kissed a girl?
I'd kiss 'em.
What?
I mean, if I wasn't
married to you.
Well, believe me, if you can
find a billionaire to kiss,
pucker up and send me
the alimony check.
Oh, honey, I'll have all sorts
of expensive nerd lawyers.
You won't see a dime.
Very funny.
What's wrong?
I don't know.
I'm just mad at Andy
for turning my boy
into a nerd.
Okay, Jim.
Are you sure
you're mad at Andy
and there's not
something else going on?
Oh, come on, Cheryl.
You know me.
There's always
something else going on.
What is it?
I seriously think
the boy doesn't like me.
Oh, Jim, that's silly.
No, he doesn't!
He doesn't like me at all.
He doesn't want
to do anything with me.
Oh, come on. He loves you.
Of course he loves me.
I'm his father.
I'm his father.
But he doesn't like me.
Okay.
Do you think maybe
you and Kyle would be closer
if you did
some things together?
Yeah, but he doesn't want
to do anything I want to do.
So you think
he should smoke cigars,
drink beer
and bet on horses?
Cheryl, he's .
Maybe in two years.
Maybe you can do some of
the things that he likes to do.
Oh, come on.
All he wants to do is
sit around and watch cartoons.
You love cartoons.
I know,
but he never lets me pick.
Yes, sometimes he can be
so childlike.
Exactly.
I'm the adult. He should be
doing what I want to do.
Okay, honey,
when the girls were little,
did you want to play tea party
with them?
Well, no, of course not.
But you did.
Well, that's because
they're girls.
They're never gonna want
to do what I want to do.
I mean, they were a lost cause
from the beginning.
You played tea party because
you wanted to be close to them.
Do the same with Kyle.
I will not play
tea party with Kyle.
The only thing
worse than a nerd
is a nerd in a bonnet.
Jim, Kyle is dying to go
to the science fiction
convention.
Well, why don't you
take him, then?
I don't have to. He likes me.
Oh, honey, come on.
Go. You'll have fun together,
and maybe next time he'll
want to do what you want to do.
You think so?
I do.
All right,
but you gotta drive.
Why me?
Well, it's only
a nerd convention
if mommy drops you off.
Hey, look at this guy here.
He looks pretty cool.
That's Jeffrey.
He's for losers, dad.
Well, isn't this...
All kind of for losers?
Hey, what's with the babes?
The lithium ladies?
Yeah.
Their comic book is rated
inappropriate for my age.
Well, mom's not here.
Let's check it out.
Dad?
Yeah.
You're kind of embarrassing me.
What?
You got a giant blueberry
with three eyes,
and I'm embarrassing you?
Come on.
That's commodore cyclops.
Guess who he hates.
I don't know.
His parents? Girls?
Taking showers at school?
Wedgies?
I can go on
for quite a while, now.
He hates magnesium man.
Oh! Mag-mag-magnesium man.
Hark!
It is my faithful companion,
beryllium boy.
What are you,
a space suppository?
Our insults
mean nothing to me,
because I am magnesium man!
Magnesium man!
Oh.
You don't have to stay, dad.
I can just hang out
with uncle Andy.
I will meet you
in the fortress
of reflectitude.
Huh?
It's next
to the lost and found.
He has returned to the uncle,
just as
the oracle predicted.
Oh, and what
the hell does that mean?
Lo, it was foretold
millennia ago
that in the age of Andy
would arise a hero
who would also be Andy,
and he would reap vengeance
upon... Jim.
Knock it off.
Ha ha ha!
Your son thinks that
this science fiction American
is cooler than his dad.
What do you think of that?
Have him home by : .
Whoa, what? No, wait, wait.
No, no.
You're supposed
to insult me here.
We're fighting,
and--and I'm winning.
Look, i-i-i should've never
said those things to you.
I should've never
called you a nerd, Andy.
Uh, no. Bird, bird!
He called me a bird.
No, I didn't.
I called him a nerd.
Any of you
have a problem with that?
Look, Andy, I...
I was mad because, honestly,
Kyle's just not into me,
even when I do things
that he wants to do.
Are you wearing
a codpiece?
Irrelevant.
I don't know.
He used to think of me
as his hero.
A few years ago,
he used to look at me
like I was the greatest guy
in the world.
I'll see you at home.
Jim, Jim, wait--
wait a minute.
You want to be a hero?
You've come
to the right place. Come on.
Well, beryllium boy,
we have vanquished
all the evil in the world.
I think it's time
for a churro.
Hold it right there,
magnesium man.
Whoa. Dad, is that you?
No. I am commodore cyclops.
I thought I told you to stay
out of this part of the galaxy.
You metallic moron.
Eye...
Will destroy you!
Oh, no, you won't.
Aah!
Ha! Ha!
Oh! Oh! Oh!
I thought you said
you had a codpiece.
It was just for show.
Aah! My eye!
Where my w*apon at? Ha! Ha ha!
Wh-wh-what is--a lasso?
What is this, a western?
Aha!
Yes!
Berium boy--
beryllium.
Beryllium boy...
Help me.
What are my special powers?
Don't tell him,
my colander-capped colleague.
You're on my side, remember?
Kyle... I am your father.
Join me,
and we will stop for ice cream
on the way home.
What are my powers?
How can I destroy him?
You could use your g*n.
g*n? I have a g*n?
I have a g*n!
You have to make
the sound effects.
Oh, for crap's sake,
what's the sound effect?
I get it!
Boop. Boop. Boop. Boop.
That's just "stun."
You gotta turn it to "k*ll."
Ow!
Aah! Aah!
My only regret is that...
I didn't get that churro.
That was awesome, dad.
I want to go buy
a commodore cyclops doll.
Action figure, honey.
Action figure.
Right.
Come on.
I-I can't get up.
Must be the gravity's different
than on my home planet.
Yeah, yeah, right.
It's the gravity.
Ow. Thank you.
Well, thank you, my friend.
Thanks for making me look good
in front of the boy.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Take a hike, would ya?
I'm getting the eye from that
little space hottie over there.
Are you telling me girls like
that go after nerds like you?
Jim, I get more tail than
a tribble during mating season.
Hi, Kyle.
Hi, dad.
Thanks for taking me today.
It was really cool.
Yeah. Yeah. You're welcome.
I had fun, too.
Me, too.
You want to play
some tetherball?
No.
Oh.
Okay. Fine.
It doesn't sound as good
whenever I do it.
Well, son,
you're holding it wrong.
Can you show me how?
I would absolutely love to.
Come here. Sit down.
Now put your hand
like a "c," okay?
That's it. Okay, now make
your other hand like a cup.
Put it behind and close it off.
See that?
All right, now blow real hard,
then suck real hard. Ready?