03x12 - w*r of the Coprophages

[bunniefuu]

Behold the mighty cockroach.

Believed to have originated in the Silurian period over 350 million years ago,...

..they can be found in every part of the world from the tropics to the Arctic.

There exists 4,000 known species,...

..and in a year a single female can produce...

..over half a million descendants.

Radiation doesn't k*ll them.

By evolutionary standards, they are nearly flawless creatures,...

..but creatures nevertheless.

Possessing only a simple nervous system,...

..their behaviour is dictated solely by responses to environmental stimuli.

Unlike us, they are incapable of thought,...

..of self-illumination.

Compared to the roach, we are gods,...

..and must therefore act accordingly.

Is it true if you decapitate them, they continue to live,...

..eventually dying of starvation?

Look, buddy, I just k*ll 'em.

Well, that's why I called you.

I thought that nowadays you froze the insects to death.

Freeze 'em? Where's the fun in that?

No, we got a new pesticide that works like a fungus.

It not only kills the infected roach, but that roach then spreads the disease...

..to every other roach it comes into contact with.

Just as long as you get rid of them.

Bugs, you know,...

..they drive me crazy.

Why, you arrogant little...

I forgot to tell you, I also found a roach on...

Mulder.

I’ve been trying to reach you all day.

My apartment complex was being fumigated so I thought I'd get away for the weekend.

I came up to Massachusetts. Visiting your mother?

No. Just sitting and thinking.

Accounts of unidentified coloured lights hovering in the skies...

..were reported in this area last night.

Look, Scully, I know it's not your inclination, but did you ever look up into the night sky...

..and feel certain that not only was something up there,...

..but it was looking down on you at that exact same moment,...

..and was just as curious about you as you are about it?

The only thing more fortuitous than the emergence of life on this planet...

..is that, through random laws of biological evolution,...

..an intelligence as complex as ours ever emanated from it.

The very idea of intelligent alien life is not only astronomically improbable,...

..but at its most basic level downright anti-Darwinian.

Scully, what are you wearing?

I understand what you're saying, but I just need to keep looking.

Yeah, well, don't look too hard. You might not like what you find.

Isn't that what Dr Zaius said to Charlton Heston at the end of Planet of the Apes?

And look what happened.

Scully, I gotta go. What? Mulder, what's going on?

Mulder.

How ya doin'? What are you doin'?

Just sitting, thinking. Sittin' and thinkin'.

And talkin' on the phone. Who with, your drug dealer?

Let me see some ID.

The Bureau? You on a case?

I heard reports of several UFO sightings in this area last night. Did you see anything?

No, sir, not personally. But we did receive a lot of telephone calls.

Any more calls tonight? No, sir.

The FBI keeps tabs on these things?

No.

I don't like to pry, but why are you sitting here with your wiper blades on?

I was just knocking off some bugs that landed on my...

Landed on my windshield. Cockroaches?

Maybe. Maybe beetles. I don't know.

I'm not really good with bugs. This is Dispatch. Come in. Over.

Sorry to disturb you, sir. What's the matter?

Another roach att*ck.

Hello. I think you better get up here.

What is it?

Cockroaches are mortally attacking people.

I'm not gonna ask you if you said what I think you said. I know it's what you said.

I'm with a bug exterminator whose recently deceased body...

..was discovered with cockroaches crawling all over him.

The sheriff says two other bodies were found in the same condition this afternoon.

Where are you again?

Miller's Grove. It has a large science constituency.

The other incidents involved a biologist and an astrophysicist.

The witness to this case is an alternative-fuel researcher.

These reports are not coming from yahoos out in the boondocks.

The image of those cockroaches has been permanently imprinted onto my brain.

I see them every time I close my eyes.

Try not to close your eyes.

How am I gonna sleep?

And where?

I'm certainly not spending the night here.

Maybe you could get a motel room or something.

Were there insect bites on the body? Insect bites?

No.

Cos millions of people are actually allergic to cockroaches.

There have been reported cases of fatal reactions. It's called anaphylactic shock.

Anaphylactic shock? Such reactions have occurred to...

..entomologists or exterminators.

OK, we'll check that out. You still want me to come up?

No, no, no. I'm sure you're right. Thanks, Scully.

Who was that? My drug dealer.

Dude, that's some good crap.

Come on, it's your hoot.

I don't know about this, you guys. You really ought to, you know. Try it.

This stuff takes your mind and just sort of, you know, expands it.

Well, something tells me it's more than my mind you guys are interested in expanding.

Well, how about another beer, then? OK.

I don't know. I think you're makin' a mistake here.

Beer is just, you know... beer.

But this stuff, it, like, swings the doors of perception so wide open,...

..you can see a whole other world out there.

But it's still like this world, you know.

It tweaks your mind and does this whole altered-state thing to it.

And suddenly you see reality as it, you know,...

..really exists.

Oh, God! Dude, what's wrong, man?

Oh, God!

Roaches! Dude, you're freakin', man Roaches! Cockroaches!

Stop it!

Stay.

Hello?

I take it back. I think you better get up here.

Another roach att*ck? This was no allergic reaction.

Two witnesses claim they saw the victim screaming about roaches burrowing into him.

Are there insects in the body? We haven't located any.

But there are wounds all over the body. From the cockroaches?

Well, the victim did attempt to extract the insects using a razor blade.

We're not sure all the incisions are self-inflicted, except for the severed artery.

Was there any evidence of drug use? Well, he did have a home-made lab setup.

I'm not sure what he was producing.

Oh, man! It smells like a septic t*nk. Will you make sure this gets analysed here?

There's a psychotic disorder associated with some drug abuse,...

..where the abuser has delusions that insects are infesting their epidermis.

It's called Ekbom Syndrome. Ekbom Syndrome?

The victim cuts himself in an attempt to extract the imaginary insect.

You still want me to come up? No. You're probably right.

I'm sorry to bother you. It's no bother.

Bye.

Hey!

Braindead. Couldn't get anything out of 'em.

How about some urine?

For a drug test.

Did you get it? Get me a container.

I think I k*lled it. You didn't k*ll it. You annihilated it.

It must have moulted. It's just empty exoskeleton.

At least we have evidence that cockroaches were here.

We've got more than that, Sheriff. I think that bug's exoskeleton was made of metal.

Nothing more than a skin abrasion. Caused by a metallic substance?

Why don't we wait until the analysis of the compound is finished...

..before jumping to any conclusions?

Agent Mulder, as a doctor, I always find it best to be completely honest and open...

..with my patients, no matter how unpleasant the information.

What do you need to tell me?

No, I need you to tell me something.

What the hell is going on here?

Are we in any danger? I don't know.

Well, should I evacuate my family? I wouldn't know.

They're waiting for you to examine the boy's body.

Yeah, soon as I take a little break.

After talking with Agent Mulder here, I suddenly feel slightly constipated.

What's his problem?

He's upset that I don't know what's going on here.

So what the hell is goin' on here?

Just because I work for the government doesn't mean I'm an expert on cockroaches.

You're saying you don't know anything about the government's experiments here?

Experiments? A Department of Agriculture agent...

..sets up base on a couple of acres across town.

Nobody knows exactly what's goin' on out there. It's top-secret.

Very hush-hush. What are you suggesting?

k*ller bees were a genetic experiment gone awry.

Let loose on an unsuspecting populace.

Who's to say the government hasn't created a new breed of k*ller cockroaches?

You might wanna keep that theory to yourself, Sheriff. No need to create a panic.

Oh! Oh, my God! Help! Somebody help me!

What the hell happened? Cockroaches.

He was covered in cockroaches. I don't see any roaches.

Well, when I went out to look for help and I came back, they'd disappeared.

Gently.

Gently.

It doesn't appear odd in any...

Next time let me handle the roaches.

Who d*ed now?

The medical examiner. His body was found next to a toilet covered with roaches.

I really think you should come. A toilet?

Check his eyes. Is one of them bloodshot, with a dilated pupil?

Well, yeah. It was probably a brain aneurysm.

Brain aneurysm?

Straining too forcefully is very common causation for bursting a brain aneurysm.

How do you explain the roaches, though? Did you catch any?

Almost. I don't know what to tell you, Mulder.

I just hope you're not implying you've come across an infestation of k*ller cockroaches.

Mulder. Mulder, I've been doing some research.

In the '80s there was a cockroach species previously only found in Asia.

Since then it's appeared in Florida. They've now established themselves in this country.

Do they att*ck people? No, but they’re different than our breeds.

They fly long distances and are attracted to light.

Do they att*ck people? I'm suggesting that what's happening...

..might be the introduction of a new species of cockroach, one that is attracted to people.

That all makes perfect sense. I don't like it at all.

Did you know that the Federal Government has been...

..conducting secret experiments here?

You're not thinking of trespassing onto government property?

I know you've done it in the past, but I... It's too late. I'm already inside.

Well, what’s going on? What do you see? I'm in a house.

It's apparently empty.

What does the place look like? It's a typical two-storey suburban house.

Nice big living room, sparsely furnished, nice carpets, fireplace.

Nice kitchen, modern appliances.

Moving walls. Moving walls?

Yeah.

They're rippling.

Oh! Cockroaches! What?!

Cockroaches. They're everywhere!

Ugh! I'm surrounded.

You've got to get out of there right now. No!

Are you all right? What happened? Flashlight went out.

Mulder, what's going on?

Gotta go.

Mulder! Mulder!

May I ask why you're trespassing on government property?

I'm a federal agent. So am I.

Agent Mulder, FBI.

Dr Berenbaum, USDA, Agricultural Research Service.

Dr Berenbaum, I'm gonna have to ask you a few questions.

For instance?

What's a woman like you doing in a place like this?

By studying how insects respond to changes in light, temperature,...

..air currents, food availability, we can determine the best ways to eradicate them.

Why all the secrecy about your research? You got the good townspeople suspicious.

You expect us to advertise that we've intentionally infested a house...

..with thousands of cockroaches?

But those cockroaches, are they a normal species?

They're a common one.

Have you ever come across a type of cockroach that is attracted to people?

Most cockroaches have been known to wash themselves after being touched by humans.

So you've never seen an instance where a cockroach att*cks a human being?

There have been cases where cockroaches crawled into a person's ear, nose...

Nose?

What is that there?

It's just a pet project of mine.

Since an insect's exoskeleton is a dielectric...

..surrounding the conductive medium of its body fluid,...

..when introduced into an electrical field, the brush discharge results in a coloured flare.

What is that supposed to prove?

Well, it's my theory that UFOs are actually insect swarms.

I don't know if you know anything about UFOs, but all the characteristics of...

..a typical sighting are shared with nocturnal insects swarming through an electrical field.

The sudden appearance of a coloured, glowing light hovering in the night sky.

Moving in a non-mechanical manner, possibly humming.

Creating interference with radio and television signals,...

..then suddenly disappearing.

As... nocturnal insect swarms.

It's... it's fascinating.

Everything about insects is fascinating.

They are truly remarkable creatures.

So beautiful and so honest.

Honest?

Eat, sleep, defecate, procreate. That's all they do.

That's all we do, but at least insects don't kid themselves that it's anything more than that.

Does my scientific detachment disturb you?

No. No, actually, I find it quite refreshing.

Not now. You know, um...

..I have always found insects to be very interesting.

Really?

This is the fifth report of a deceased body found amongst a horde of cockroaches,...

..but police are not confirming - yet - that the insects have anything to do with the fatalities.

Police have denied that these deaths were the result of an outbreak...

..of the Ebola virus somehow being spread by infected cockroaches.

For now these incidents remain under local jurisdiction,...

..but a nurse here did confirm that an FBI agent is on the case.

Police are asking that if you see any cockroaches, don't panic.

Simply notify the local authorities and evacuate the area immediately.

Reporting live, this is Sky Lathan for Channel 3 News.

Then suddenly there was this terrible crash. You know, you could have been k*lled.

Mulder, are you OK?

I can’t sleep. What happened at the USDA site?

They're conducting legitimate experiments. I met an entomologist, a Dr Berenbaum,...

..who agrees with your theory of an accidental importation of a new species.

Did he tell you how to catch 'em?

No, but she did tell me everything else there is to know about insects.

She?

Yeah. Did you know the ancient Egyptians worshiped the scarab beetle...

..and maybe erected the pyramids to honour them, which may be symbolic dung heaps?

Did you know the inventor of the flush toilet was named Thomas Crapper?

Bambi has a theory I’ve never come across. Who?

Dr Berenbaum. Anyway, her theory is... Her name is Bambi?

Yeah, both her parents were naturalists.

Her theory is that UFOs are nocturnal insect swarms passing through electrical airfields.

Her name is Bambi? Scully, can I confess something to you?

Yeah, sure, OK. I hate insects.

You know, lots of people are afraid of insects, Mulder. It's just...

It's a natural instinct of... No, no, no, I'm not afraid of them.

I hate them.

One day back when I was a kid, I was climbing this tree...

..when I noticed this leaf walking towards me.

It took me for ever to realise it was no leaf. A praying mantis?

Yeah, I had a praying-mantis epiphany, and as a result I screamed.

Not a girlie scream, but the scream of someone being confronted...

..by some before-unknown monster that had no right existing on the same planet.

Did you ever notice how a praying mantis's head resembles an alien's head?

The mysteries of the natural world were revealed.

Instead of being astounded, I was...

..repulsed.

Mulder, are you sure it wasn't a girlie scream?

What was that?

I gotta go. Mul... No...

Did you hear that too? It came from over here.

What the hell's goin' on?

Hello?

Is everything all right in there?

What happened this time? One of the motel guests d*ed.

Mulder, I'm coming up there right now.

Scully, I think this man d*ed simply from a reaction to the cockroaches.

Two cases of anaphylactic shock in the same day in the same town is highly improbable.

I'm saying that this man simply had a heart att*ck.

Word about the cockroach infestation and the deaths related to it has gotten out.

I think this man simply saw some cockroaches and scared himself to death.

Regardless, something strange is definitely going on up there.

Maybe not. All your conjectures have proved correct.

The exterminator did die from anaphylactic shock.

The boy did die from self-inflicted wounds...

..and was getting high off methane fumes derived from burning manure.

The medical examiner did die from a brain aneurysm.

I still haven't been able to explain the cockroaches.

Or the fact that their exoskeletons are made of metal.

Metal? What are you talking about?

Mulder?

Mulder, I'm coming up there. Whatever.

Can you tell what kind of cockroach it is? I should be able to.

The abdomen's still attached and we differentiate species by their genitalia.

Oh, my God. Is it abnormal?

I'll say. He's hung like a club-tailed dragonfly! Excuse me.

Does it still look unusual? Well, yes. For an insect genitalia.

But maybe not for a microprocessor.

You're implying that this insect is mechanical?

What am I supposed to be looking at here?

Have you ever seen anything like this before?

Only in science journals. I've read about an artificial-intelligence researcher...

..who designs robots that resemble and behave like insects.

I've never seen them, but I've often thought of visiting his lab.

He works out of this town?

Dr Ivanov? Why are you scaring my robots?

For decades my colleagues in artificial intelligence...

..have attempted to create an autonomous robot.

By struggling to give their machines a human like brain, they have failed.

A human brain is too complex.

Too computational. It thinks too much.

But insects merely react.

I've used insects as my model, not just in design,...

..but by giving them the simplest of computer programs:

"Go to the object." "Go away from moving object."

Governed only by sensors and reflex responses,...

..they take on the behaviour of intelligent living beings.

So this is programmed to head towards any object...

..moving within the field of its sensors?

No.

Then why is it following me?

It likes you.

Your contract is with NASA?

The goal is to transport a fleet of robots to another planet...

..and allow them to navigate the terrain with more intricacy...

..than any space probe has done before.

And it sounds slightly fantastic, but the only obstacle I can foresee...

..is devising a renewable energy source.

In any case, this is the future of space exploration.

It does not include living entities.

I'm just speculating, but if extraterrestrial life forms do exist...

No need for speculation. I believe they do.

If they're technologically advanced, and if your ideas about the future...

..of space exploration are correct... The interplanetary explorers...

..of alien civilisations will likely be mechanical in nature. Yes.

Anyone who thinks alien visitation will come not in the form of robots...

..but of living beings with big eyes and grey skin...

..has been brainwashed by too much science fiction.

Can you identify this? I'm not really good with bugs.

A cricket's leg? Try it under the microscope.

Are you all right, Dr Ivanov?

Can you identify that?

Sir?

It's... beyond my comprehension.

Hey, kid! Move it!

Let go, buddy!

Get back in the car!

Hey, what are you, crazy? Hey, you idiot! You hit me!

Excuse me. Do you sell road maps? Could you tell me where they are?

Come on. Hurry up. What's going on here?

Haven't you heard about the roaches?

They're devouring people. We're getting outta here.

Have you seen any yourself? No, but they're everywhere.

Roaches aren't attacking people. They're spreading the Ebola virus. Keep the change.

We're all gonna be bleeding from our nipples.

All right. Listen up! I'm Agent Dana Scully from the Federal Bureau of Investigation.

I am assuring you that you are not in any danger.

Everything is gonna be OK if you just calm down and start acting rationally.

Now where the hell are those road maps?

Hey! This last can is mine!

Roaches!

Well, Doctor, I... I appreciate you taking the time to... answer my questions.

Yeah.

Greetings from planet Earth.

Well, it's a cockroach all right.

It's not like the leg segment you had me examine earlier.

It's just a typical cockroach. Even the...

Yes, even the genitalia's normal.

Cockroaches are common in this area this time of year.

It's one of the reasons I set up my study here.

Mulder. Mulder, this town is insane.

Where are you? In a convenience store on the outskirts of...

..civilisation.

Look, I think I may have a lead. Remember Dr Eckerle,...

..the alternative-fuel researcher that witnessed the exterminator's death?

Well, the fuel that he's researching is methane gas.

Methane derived from manure. Manure?

He has an import licence to bring in animal dung samples from outside the country.

Now, maybe you can confirm this with your Dr Bambi,...

..but I think the cockroaches are dung eaters,...

..and, if so, some of them may have been shipped accidentally in some of the samples.

This fuel research facility could be ground zero for the infestation.

If an alien civilisation were technologically advanced enough to build and send...

..artificially intelligent robotic probes to space,...

..might they not have been able to perfect the extraction of methane fuel from manure,...

..a replenishing energy source on a planet filled with dung-producing creatures?

I think you've been in this town too long. Where's the research facility located?

Bambi, you better wait here until I make sure it's safe.

Be careful. We don't know what these cockroaches are capable of.

If they're even cockroaches.

I'm more worried about the human element.

Dr Eckerle?

They're after me. First at my house. Then at the motel.

And then I came here to get away.

But... they're following me.

You're not in any danger. They won't harm you.

I've seen them k*ll two men. They weren't responsible for those deaths.

But they might be responsible for ours if you fire your g*n in a plant full of methane gas.

Don't you understand?

The bugs,...

..they drive me crazy.

Let me guess. Bambi.

Fox told me to wait out here while he checked inside first.

Should I come along with you?

No.

This is no place for an entomologist.

Why are these roaches making those weird noises?

In Madagascar the roaches hiss by blowing air through holes in their upper thorax.

Really?

How do you know so much about them? I don't.

That's why we shouldn't k*ll these but capture them for further study.

Put the g*n down.

Have I lost my mind? No.

You've had a very stressful day that's affected your ability to think clearly.

Your judgment is a little clouded right now.

It is?

Then how do I know that you're not a cockroach?

Mulder?

Mulder!

I assure you, Dr Eckerle, I'm just as human as you are. If not more so.

You are one of them!

Mulder! Get out! This whole place could blow!

Get down!

Crap.

It's like a crematorium. I don't think we're gonna locate the doctor's remains.

Or anything else for that matter. It's not as bad as some of the other fires.

There were others? Four, to be exact.

Plus 18 automobile accidents, 13 as*ault and batteries, two stores were looted.

36 injuries all total, half of 'em from insecticide poisoning.

But we didn't receive reports on cockroaches or otherwise for the last couple of hours.

Maybe this town's finally come to its senses.

You two oughta go home and get some rest. You look pooped.

Agent Mulder!

They told me I could locate you here.

Those segments you showed me earlier - may I examine them again?

Well, they're completely desiccated.

Just like the moulted exoskeleton.

Many insects don't develop wings until their last moulting stage.

Perhaps these things had their final moult...

..and have flown off back to wherever they originated.

Yeah, that would explain everything May I borrow this for further study?

I've already had a similar sample analysed. It's nothing but common metals.

What do you hope to find from it? His destiny.

Isn't that what Dr Zaius said to Zira at the end of the Planet of the Apes?

It's one of my favourite movies. Mine too.

I love science fiction.

I'm also fascinated by your research.

Have you considered programming your robots...

..to mimic behaviour of social insects like ants or bees?

As a matter of fact, I have.

You know, I read...

Smart is sexy.

Think of it this way. By the time there's another invasion...

..of artificially intelligent, dung-eating robotic probes,...

..maybe their Uberchildren will have devised a way to save our planet.

You know, I never thought I'd say this to you, Scully,...

..but you smell bad.

Our cerebral cortex is the greatest achievement...

..of the evolutionary processes. Big deal.

While allowing us intellect and self-consciousness,...

..it is all too often overruled by our inner instinctive brain: the one that tells us to react, not reflect, to run rather than ruminate.

Maybe we have gone as far as we can go, and the next advance,...

..whatever that may be, will be made by beings we create using our own tech...

..tech...

..technology. Life forms we can design and program not to be...

..ultimately governed and constricted by the rules of survival.

Perhaps that step has already been achieved on another planet...

..by organisms that had a billion years’ head start on us.

If these beings ever visited us, would we recognise what we were seeing?

And would they react in anything but horror...

..at seeing such mindless, primitive, hideous creatures?

I made this!