Speaking of Sex (2001)

[bunniefuu]

¶ Huhh ¶

¶ hahh ¶

There you are.

Meli...

man: Oh, God!

Oh, God. Come on.

Melinda!

Open up! It's me!

Man: Hey, as*h*le!

Use the door knocker.

Oh.

Oh! Oh, I love you!

Melinda!

Are you all right?!

Oh, God! Danny, it's him!

He followed us here!

Hey, there is
somebody else in there!

Open this door!

Melinda! I...

aah!

Hey, hey, hey!

Aah!

Call the police!

Unh!

Hey, as*h*le, try the doorknob!

Let me in!

Get your hands off her!

You.

What? Meli...

Jesus chr...

you're screwing your husband?!

Your husband.

He followed me here,

and we realized

we deserve each other.

Isn't that romantic, Dr. Klink?

Roger.

Call me Roger,
for Christ sakes.

Maybe you should try going home

and working it out
with your wife.

Go to hell, Roger.

Ex-wife, ex-home, ok?

Melinda: I understand now

that I was transgressing
my love for Dan onto you,

and you were
countertransgressing.

Transferring! Bullshit!

Yeah, any time a shrink

is thinking about a patient
more than he normally does,

he should ask himself,
"am I countertransferring?"

Shut up. You can't even
get an erection, for God s...

I just had one, buddy.

Hair! Hair!

He's biting!

Dan: I got him!

Melinda: Dr. Paige,
thank God you're here.

peas in a pod.

Emily, they were fornicating
like a couple of honeymooners.

Dr. Paige, Melinda and I

have worked through
our problem.

Shut up. You...

aah! Dr. Paige!

Aah!

It's all right! It's ok! Sorry!

It has a hair trigger. It's ok.

Hey, hey, put the
g*n down, Dr. Paige.

sh**t them, Emily.

This is all your fault, Roger!

Everything could've
been so different!

Oh, sorry. Sorry. It's touchy.

It's touchy.

Melinda, come back in here!

Emily, I understand
you're upset.

Sometimes you just
have to let it out.

Just try and let it out.

Save your
engaging devices, Roger.

No more bullshit!

None!

I've come for us!

Sorry! Sorry.

Over here! Over here!

Hurry! Hurry! Over here!

Hurry! Dr. Paige has a g*n.

Who's Dr. Paige?

Our marriage counselor.
She's gonna k*ll

my husband and Dr. Klink.

Your marriage counselor's
gonna k*ll your husband?

And Dr. Klink.

Dr. Paige, hi.

Uh, I wanna thank you

for giving Melinda and I the...

the tools to help communicate
and share our feelings.

Shut up! Ok.

Emily, you're very upset.

Sometimes we can feel
as if our lives

are just spiraling
out of control,

just spiraling.

Save your psychobabble

for your little
Doe-eyed patients, Roger.

Ok. Ok, terrific.

You two obviously
have some issues

you need to work through.

Thank God.

No. No. Wait. Move it, klink.

Out of my way!
Mel, it's me! Open up!

Dan: Somebody help me!

Melinda: Don't worry, Danny!

Wow. What do we got, sir?

Hostage situation.
therapists.

Domestic or international?

Therapists. Shrinks.

Shrinks?

It's a joke, right?

Some kind of surprise party?

It's not a g*dd*mn party.
It's very serious.

Her marriage counselor's
threatening to k*ll

her husband and her therapist.

He's not technically
my therapist.

Hey, you're the lady
from those sex tapes.

Sex tapes? What sex tapes?

His hands were under my dress,

firmly holding on to my hips,

moving me back and forth
away from him.

Ok, maybe I better
start at the beginning.

About years ago,
Danny lost his erection.

You gotta see these tapes, sir.

Pretty soon, Danny and me

weren't even talking, and then.

Danny slept with
that c*ck waitress.

I thought he couldn't
get an erection.

So did I. Right.

Our marriage was doomed.

Then I saw Dr. Paige's ad

on a bus bench.

"Save your marriage today."

"Tomorrow will be too late."

Her big deal is honesty.

Honesty first.

The key is honesty.

Marriage is hard.

I know. I've been
married times.

You're divorced?

times. That's why I
speak from experience...

what kind of track record is
that for a marriage counselor?

Dan! Dan? What, "Dan"?

Come on. We're taking
marriage advice

from somebody
that's been divorced

and advertises
on bus benches. Wh-what?

Stay with us, Dan.

You know the story

about the guy who goes
to the barbershop.

There are barbers,
both available.

One barber has
a terrific haircut.

The other barber's hair
looks just awful.

Which barber would you go to?

You'd go to the barber
with the bad haircut,

not the barber with
the good haircut, see?

The bad haircut cuts
the other one's hair,

and vice versa.

That is why it is
actually a plus

that I'm thrice divorced.

Ok.

Let's start over.

What do you want
out of this therapy?

We...

I wanna save our marriage.

Uh, yeah. Me... me, too, yeah.

Great.

Now talking about our problems

is the first step.

You can tell me anything,

and hopefully you two can learn

to communicate honestly
with each other.

What's the problem?

Well, uh...

Danny and me...

We haven't been...

Familiar with each other
in a while.

"Familiar"?

Intimate.

No sexual intercourse?

Jesus, lady.

What about oral sex
or mutual masturbation?

Oh, my God, Mel.
Let's get outta here.

We don't need to see
some shrink.

No. I think we do, Dan.

He has a problem with...

don't. Come on. Why?

Mr. Happy.

"Mr. Happy"?

His p*nis.

My... just say it! p*nis!

I can't get my p*nis
to stand up.

I-I-I'm impotent or something.

I can't wake the baby.

I-I've... I can't get a hard-on!

Is everybody happy now?!
Can we go?

Dan is impotent.

Only with me.

That was an accident.

Dan accidentally screwed
that c*ck waitress!

I thought Dan couldn't
get an erection.

So did I.

Well, Melinda's been
so damn depressed

lately, you know?

It's pretty depressing

when you can't excite
your own husband.

Great. We have made
some real progress.

All those in favor,
raise your hands.

Dr. Paige.

You may rejoin the group.

Dr. Paige, it is the duty
of this committee

to defend the integrity
of the psychiatric arts

in the Boise, nampa,
Caldwell tri-city area.

Dr. Paige...

if we allow bus bench
advertising, what's next?

Billboards?

Cable TV?

Following our bylaws

pertaining
to outdoor advertising,

the fine is set at $ .

Roger!

Huh? Oh.

Hello, Emily.

Sorry about the fine.

Ah, it's only bucks.

I'll write it off. Oh.

Besides, I already got
a couple of clients

from the bus bunch.

It's funny.
I was thinking about you

the other day.

Me? Really?

Are you seeing anyone new?

Oh, I'm s-still married.

I... I meant patients.

Th-there's a woman
I'd like you to see.

She's very, very depressed.

I think her depression
is at the root

of her sexual problems
with her husband.

You could really help her.

I've been scaling back.
I'm not really adding patients.

Well, we talked about
how great it would be

to collaborate sometime,

and this couple's perfect.

Uh, marriage is on the rocks.

I'll take the boy.
You take the girl.

We can confer and strategize,

see if together we can
help save their marriage.

How's your wife?

Ok.

And your husband?

Uh, th-the new one.

He's my new ex.

I moved out last weekend.

Really? Just...

Like that.

Just like that.

It's for the best.

So what do you say?

There's nothing else to say.

Dan's gone off me.

This is a waste of time.

Ok, I feel like we're stuck.

Melinda, I want you
to see a colleague of mine.

You're giving up on me?

I want you to see Dr. Klink.

He's something
of a depression expert

from the old school.

What's a depression expert?

What a cliché.

First the affair in Denver.

Then the red corvette.

What's next,
face-lifts and liposuction?

"Desire fades."

Pssh. That's a...

Who is she? Hmm?

Hmm?

Is it your new receptionist?

You think I need liposuction?

You're not rehashing
Denver, are you?

Are you?

Are you screwing
Dr. Rice again?!

No! There's no one! There w...

We're not happy.

Go to hell, Roger.

as*h*le.

Door, please.

Unsafe at any speed.

Oh, the elevator?

No, your corvette.

"Unsafe at any speed."

That's a corvair,
"unsafe at any speed."

It looks just like a corvette.

Funky elevator.

I try not to speak ill of it.
I got stuck once.

By yourself?

Yeah.

How boring.

Heh.

Is that why you carry
a change of clothes?

Oh, this. No.

I left my wife just now,
this morning.

You're kidding.

Is this your floor?

Yes.

I'm here to see Dr. Klick.

He's an old-fashioned
depression expert.

You mean Dr. Klink?

Yes.

I'm Dr. Klink.

You're Dr. Klink? Heh.

You're kidding.

I pictured a bald head,
long face, pointy beard.

Who called me old-fashioned?

Dr. Paige.

Y-you mean Emily?

Well, anyway,
I'll see you inside.

Inside and out, I suppose.

On the ins...

ins... in... in my office.

This is my door.

Oh.

Patients go in
that door over there.

Wait.

Your tie's crooked.

I guess your wife
didn't check you

before you left the house.

Just go right in.

Tuesday, June ...

Testing , . , .

Test... g*dd*mn.

Dr. Klink.

Yes?

Your : is here.

O... yes. Yes.

Test , . , .

Test , , .

sh*t.

Sorry. Test , , , .

Test...

come in.

It's very cold in here.

Well, you'll need to...

Remember a sweater.

No, no. I meant the decor.

It's... it's so blue.

Alrighty.

Mrs. Carmichael,
would you like to sit here.

Is that where you
want me to sit?

I don't want you to
sit anywhere. I mean...

I see.

What happened
to that friendly man

I met on the elevator?

Look, uh, we had
an inappropriate debut,

but I...

is that what we had?

Yes, we... please.

So, um...

Why are you here?

I'm trying to save my marriage.

Ah.

I've been so depressed lately.

I keep thinking it'll pass,

but it doesn't.

You're a little hangdog
one morning.

Then suddenly you're
on a shrink's lap.

Chair. Heh.

Heh heh heh.

Well, you don't...

Seem very depressed
right this moment.

I'm not.

I was.

I almost didn't get
off the elevator.

It's pretty depressing to think

you need to see
a depression expert.

My marriage expert's
been divorced times.

You must be really depressed.

Let's...

Um, so, w-why don't you, um,
tell me more about you?

I'm married to a man who
doesn't get turned on by me.

Ah.

Do you blame me?

Why would I blame you?

Not me. Uh, him.

I... I di... I... I asked
if you blamed your husband.

No, you said, "me."
"Do you blame me?"

No, I di... I... I meant...

Your husband, of course.

Of course.

Dan started sleeping

in the living room on the couch

that's the beginning
of the end,

don't you think?

It certainly suggests

a lack of intimacy.

We stopped being intimate
almost years ago.

I shouldn't tell you this.

No, no.

You just... no, no.

Dr. Klink.

No, no, no. I'm s...

please, sit down.

I...

You can tell me
anything that...

Really. It's...

One night, I get up
to use the bathroom,

and I looked in on Dan.

He sleeps in his boxers,
and it was a hot night,

and the covers were off,

and so I could see his...

Mr. Happy.

Mr. Happy?

His thingy.

His pe...

uh, member.

Peeking out.

So I decided to try
a little experiment

to see if Dan was broken

or if he'd just gone off me.

An experiment?

I snuck up...

On my knees,

and with my mouth, I...

Kissed...

Mr. Happy.

Ohh.

But when I tried to make love,

he... his...

It fizzled away

when he woke up and
realized it was me.

Dan's gone off me.

Desire fades.

That... that is
a depressing thought.

Yes. It I...

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm in a transitional
phase in my life,

and I...

I'm not taking...

taking on any more patients.

But see, you helped me already.

Really, I can't.

If there were shrinks
in a small town

and one was crazy
and the other sane,

which one would you go to see,
the crazy one or the sane one?

I've never heard of
this one before.

You'd go to the crazy one.

'Cause if there were
only two in the town,

you'd wanna see the one
who helped the other one.

O... you mean if there
were just the two

and they were each... I see.

Dr. Klink,

your : 's here.

You hear that?
Do you hear that?

I mean, I...

Would love to just sit...

just to s-sit here
and talk with you...

All afternoon.

But if I run even minutes
over on one session,

my whole week
could be thrown off.

Hell, the rest of my life.

You know...

I'd gladly recommend
to you someone else.

Um, this is a list of qualified

mental health
professionals in Boise.

Meli...

Dr. Klink, what are you doing?

I'm chasing after you.

What about your : ?

No, just... I just, uh...

Well, I...

I left my wife, and...

Since you're not my... my patient

and since this...

Well, since this
isn't my office,

I...

It's stuck again.

Mmm. Dr. Klink...

no. Roger.

That was so therapeutic.

Listen, we... you shouldn't
call me Dr. Klink.

It might give people
the wrong impression.

I... mmm.

But I... I feel so free and open.

I wish Dan had come with me.

I mean, maybe he could
benefit from your expertise.

I don't feel depressed at all!

Hello!

Shh. Don't talk.

Dispatch: Breaker - ...

Uh...

Are you folks ok?
You seem flushed

and out of breath. No.

See you next week, Dr. Klink.

Uh, Roger.

I-I'm not actually
her doctor. It's a...

A figure of speech.

Melinda: He's a genius.

His method is so subtle.

It sneaked right up on me.

What did he do, exactly?

He got me to talk.

Sort of.

How many sessions have you had?

Just the one.

What a man.

He is a genius.

Dan: Hey, uh, hi.

What about my needs?

Am I a part of this
therapy stuff, or what?

"Mas... mastering masturbation"?

Oh, it's a wonderful guide...

techniques, fantasy games,

lubricants, all in
historical context.

Did you know that Edison
was an avid masturbator?

It's where he got
his best ideas.

No, e-Edison stole
his best ideas.

Whatever.
Maybe it was Einstein.

Heh heh.

You look fabulous.

Possible dissertation subject...
orgasms and happiness.

Why is it all the world
seems rosy...

It's Dr. Paige,
regarding Melinda.

I'll call her back.

She's on her way in.

You son of a b*tch.
I cannot believe

what you did with
Melinda Carmichael.

She told you?

Told me?!
It's all over her face.

I never took any money,
and all I did

was a preliminary interview,
so technically she...

it's absolutely wonderful.

Really?

Now the big challenge
is to somehow

get these people to reconnect

emotionally and sexually.

Can I buy you lunch?

Today? Uh...

Well, I'm seeing
Mrs. Carmichael.

During lunchtime.

Ohh! Oh, Dr. Klink,

Roger. Roger.

Call me Roger.

Ohh. Ohh!

Oh! Oh, Dr. Klink!

Ohh! Look!

Ohh! A helicopter.

Wow.

Maybe it was a transplant.

What?

The helicopter...

Was carrying a little
white ice chest

with a red cross on it.

Imagine waking up

with a whole new heart,
Dr. Klink.

Please, call me Roger.

Ohh. Danny and me used to have

so much in common.

Everything we did together

was making love, not just sex,

but cooking together.

And then we took a trip
to salt lake city,

and he was like
my... my big brother

and my friend and...

I... Lover all rolled into...

I don't... ok. We have to talk.

I just... I've gotta listen
to patients all afternoon.

I'm just trying to tell you...

that I felt so good

since last week's session

that I told Danny about us.

You what? Yes.

You... you told your husband
about us?!

Ohh! Oh, my God!

It was amazing and spontaneous,

like we used to be.

What the hell did I do
to deserve this?!

You screwed
that c*ck waitress.

But it wasn't
spontaneous or amazing!

Aah!

You shouldn't have told him.

But you... you talked
about honesty.

No. No, no, no. Dr. Paige
talks about honesty.

I'm still on the fence.
Some lying is good.

You didn't give him
the details.

Wow. Elevator sex.

Damn. I've always
admired Melinda's spunk.

Larry!

Now you're even, bro.

How did he take it?

He followed me here.

He what? Shh, shh. Shh, shh.

I don't notice... is... ahh?

Oh, g... je...

Melinda, I...

it's over, you and me. It's...

Dan needs you. He loves you.

He followed you here.
Isn't that romantic?

Listen...

Take what you've gotten
out of our time together.

Focus it back on Dan.

Are you saying that

as my lover or my therapist?

Therapist.

I mean, if I was your therapist,
which I'm not, but...

You know, we have
nothing in common.

This isn't a relationship

based on mutual respect

or understanding
or common interests.

It's based on sex.
That's all. Ahh.

Take it. Uhh.

Oh, my God. We come
from different worlds.

I've got a phd, for God sakes.

You probably barely
graduated from high school.

I have an a.A.

From Boise community college

and a... and a certificate

of physical therapy!

Exactly. The two of you
are more suited.

You're p-perfect
for one anoth...

go home to what's his... Dan.

Mmm!

Divorced?

But you two were
doing much better.

I wish you'd never sent me
to see Dr. Klink.

Mmm. Therapy can
be very intense.

Especially oral therapy.

Dan, don't be crass.

Crass? It's pretty damn crass

without me saying
anything about it.

You had... they had sex
in an elevator.

What? Who did?

Dr. Klink and me.

You slept with Dr. Klink
in an elevator?

Oh, yeah, they slept.

Like a couple of dogs
in heat, they slept.

You're disgusting!
At least I didn't have to

bend over backwards
to get him aroused.

Oh, I thought that's
exactly what you did do

b*stard!
I wanted this to work out.

Was the elevator
your idea or his?

Dan: Does it matter?

Heh.

You son of a b*tch!

In the elevator.
In the elevator.

Emily, it just happened.

She wasn't technically
my patient.

Oh, save it for the board!

You didn't tell the board.

Of course I told the board.

This is outrageous!

Kindly keep your voice down.

The amount is regulated
by the bylaws.

Specifically number
calls for fines of up to $

for inappropriate behavior.

Inappropriate behavior?!

He was having sex
with his patient

in an elevator.

Ah. She wasn't
technically his patient.

The minute she walked
into his office,

she was his patient.

No, no. Technically she was

your patient, Dr. Paige.

My patient?!

I think the fine is fair.

I was fined bucks

for advertising on a bus bench.

He's fined $ for
screwing in an elevator.

Byline is very specific

with regards to

permissible
outdoor advertising.

A hooker costs more than that.

Dr. Paige, that's enough.

It is more than enough.

Who should I make
the check out to?

You hurt me, Roger.

All you had to do was call me.

Why didn't you just call me?

I'm sorry, Emily.

You will be.

Heh.

I really am sorry, Emily.

Let bygones be bygones?

Listen, Buster.
You're not off the hook.

You're going down.
You will lose everything...

money, your license.

By the time this is over,
you will never practice again.

What are you gonna do?

Nosta.

Nosta.

What the heck is a nosta?

The national organization
to stop therapist abuse.

National? I don't know

if this is
the right thing to do.

I really just want Danny back.

We need to teach
Dr. Klink a lesson.

Danny.

Hi, Mel.

Ok, let me do all the talking.

Wait, what law school was it
you said you went to?

Careful, toots.

You're the one who sent

my vulnerable sister-in-law

into the arms of
that Dr. Krink.

It's klink, Larry, and shut up!

You should have talked to me

before you called anyone.

We're gonna nail
that son of a b*tch.

There she is.

Consuela Ann barker, esquire,

of barker, barker,
beacons & Bauer,

who represent nosta.

I'm the second barker.
You can call me Connie.

You must be the victim.

Lawrence p. Carmichael,
esquire, a.B.D.

I'll be handling
all negotiations.

We'll hear your proposal.

Let me remind you you are

the very first national
abuse group we've contacted,

so we're looking for
a competitive preemptive figure

which will act as a deterrent
to other advocacy groups

which we may be inclined to go.

To.

All but degree. My client...

take a powder, Lawrence.

This is a serious situation.

You are way out of your league.

Take your pet monkey with you.

Just a second.

That's my husband.

I need to speak
to you privately,

without the peanut gallery.

Connie: It's precisely
these gray-zone cases

that we must win.

We need to send a message,

a strong message.

We'll have to prove the doctor

took advantage
of your fragile ego

and lured you into

psychosexual emotional bondage.

Psycho what?

He is a master manipulator.

It is that quiet,
lost puppy quality.

I felt an attraction
for Dr. Klink.

Transference refers
to strong feelings

that the patient... you...

erroneously transfers
to a therapist...

Dr. Klink... but which
in fact originated

out of earlier relationships.

You mean like with
my husband, maybe?

Perhaps an even earlier
relationship.

Ahh. Hot.

Melinda, where did this

immoral congress transpire?

Immoral congress?

In a g*dd*mn elevator.

Elevator sex. Whew.

And in his office.

On his couch?

And on the desk.

Mmm. And why did you go

to Dr. Klink
in the first place?

Dr. Paige sent me to him.

She said he would take care
of me the old-fashioned way.

He's... he's a specialist,
a depression expert.

We met at a communication
conference, and...

we'll get it all
in the deposition.

My deposition?

You're a key witness.

Ok, let's, uh, skip
the elevator for now.

Take me through
this couch coupling.

Well, it's... it's
a little embarrassing.

Um, we started on the desk.

Have you ever heard
the name ezri stovall?

He is the malpractice
insurance go-to guy

in this region.

He rarely loses, never settles.

He will be ruthless.

Now, I know this is difficult,

but it's important
that you recall

the exact details

and specific
sequence of events.

Well, um, it's a little hazy,

but I know he, Dr. Klink,

went down on me.

Cunnilingus. You ok?

What else did he do?

I went down on him.

Fellatio!

You know, I don't think

we wanna play
this oral sex card.

It's ill*gal in this state.

It is?

It's sodomy.

Oral sex is sodomy?

"To carnally know any
male or female person

by the an*s or mouth."

It's a class-a misdemeanor.

I don't wanna hurt Dr. Klink.

I just wanted
to save my marriage.

Being with Dr. Klink
made me realize

how much Danny and me
have in common.

We will crush Dr. Klink.

Look at you.
My God, just look at you.

Dr. Paige is right.

You poor, pathetic woman.

He's destroyed you.

Nice shot.

Hey. Hi.

Mind if I sit?

It's a free bar. Heh heh.

That lady lawyer
thinks a divorce

would be great for our case.

I don't want a divorce, Mel.

No?

No.

I... I just want you
to stop seeing him.

I'm not seeing him.

So you don't want to split up?

No. No, not at all.

We can't split up, Mel.

You and I, we're like...
we're like a team.

Siegfried & Roy,
hall & oates, ham and cheese.

I'm sorry I strayed,

but you kind of
opened the door.

I wanted to talk
to you about that.

The truth is, Mel, I...

shh. Let's not talk about it.

Water down the drain, Dan.
Water down the drain.

Hey, how's that divorce coming?

Uh, please, counsel,
let's not lose sight

of the human element
in this tragedy.

You know, a divorce
would really help our case.

I'm working on it.

This is Joel Johnson Jr.

He's with beerquist,
angsthall & Cox.

Joel is our point man
here in...

Boise.

Boise.

Boise.

Joel's come up with a figure.

How much money were
you hoping to see?

$ , .

Heh. Million.

It's $ million.

$ million?

$ million?

You've hit the jackpot,
Melinda.

Whoo-hoo! Yeah.

Dr. Klink doesn't
have $ million.

No, Dr. Klink has
malpractice insurance,

and they've got $ million.

Emily: Dear God.

I had no idea
it would be so much.

There's not a better person
she could have screwed.

Except her priest.

Catholics pay
a shitload of money

to keep this kind of crap down.

I'm gonna get $ million

for having sex with Dr. Klink?

In an elevator.

And on his desk.

$ million.

Minus % contingency,

% if we win on appeal.

How much more do you think

a divorce might net?

Why the hell are you suing me?

Um...

Because...

You took advantage
of my fragile ego

and got me in
a psychoemotional,

sexual thing.

What?

Why don't you
take a walk, klink,

before I call the cops.

Oh, if it isn't
the erectionless wonder,

Mr. Happy!

You told him about Mr. Happy?

Dr. Klink, I told
you that in therapy.

First of all, it's Roger.

Secondly, it wasn't therapy.
You were never my patient.

Why don't you tell it
to the judge, Mr. Majestic?

You told him
about Mr. Majestic?

Dan is my husband.

I tell him everything.

Are you screwing yet?

There's more to our
relationship than sex.

There better be
with Mr. Limpy here.

You son of a...

Unh! Danny!

Whoa, whoa. Hey, hey.

Come on.

Come on.

I hope you fight better than...

aah! Aah!

Let go! No.

Come on, honey. Come on.

Why'd you have to
tell him about Mr. Happy?

It's ok. He's a doctor.

Don't sue me, Melinda.

I'll lose my license.
It's all I have.

I'm sorry. Good-bye, Dr. Klink.

Come on. Roger.

Call me Roger.

Ezri stovall will
crush her like a bug.

We've gotta nip this kind

of frivolous litigation
in the bud.

People have to start

taking responsibility
for their actions.

Why'd you stop
sleeping together?

Makes it seem like

you thought you were
doing something wrong.

It was an absolute taboo.

A therapist can never
have sex with a patient.

The moment you two screwed,

she became your lover,

thereby making it impossible

for her to ever
be your patient.

Where'd you bone her?

We made love in an elevator.

Elevator sex. I... pssh.

You're kidding me.

I'm in elevators all the time.

I know. I'm sorry.

How long would something
like that take?

It was over pretty quickly.

Mechanical failure?

Oh, no. She hit the stop.

Or, uh, m-maybe I did.

Is this really important?

Every detail is important.

You need booze?

Juries are fickle.

Something could
come out at the trial,

and you'll be screwed.

Any witnesses?

Other passengers?

No, of c... no, of course not.

How about
a surveillance camera?

Oh, Jesus.

Well, there may not be one
if the elevator's old enough.

Please, God.

Ok, so, you're ballin' her.

Did you ej*cul*te?

W... uh, is there any way not to?

Not that I've found.

Did she mention any other
therapists she's slept with?

Other members
of the hippocratic arts?

Orthodontists? Podiatrists?

Clergy?

I don't know. I don't think so.

What about you?

How many other
nonpatient patients

have you banged? None.

You banging your receptionist?

Tiff... no.

Well, let ezri stovall
get to work.

Clammy.

Heh heh heh heh heh heh.

Don't answer it, baby.

Oh.

Hello.

Helen, ezri.

Hi. What's up?

I've got something
for you. You free?

Available. Never free.

Ha ha!
Never give it away, baby.

Is that that sumbitch stovall?

She's spoken for!

Shh. This is business.

Ahh. Ahh.

I'm defending a headshrinker

who put his pecker
where he shouldn't have.

And she's suing him.

Bingo.

D-don't get it, baby.

Please. Hold on.

We haven't worked in a month.

I can't... I'm gonna...

Oww! Oh.

Hello.

Is Felix Potter in?

He sure is.

Ahh. g*dd*mn.

Yeah, hello.

Felix Potter. Uh-huh.

Connie barker out of Chicago.

Joel Johnson of

beerquist, angsthall & Cox

gave me your number. Uh-huh.

I'm looking for
a private investigator.

I'm representing the victim

in a therapist abuse case.

What do you got, ezri?

I need to find out if
there's anything in his past

that might hurt us.
We're just starting depositions.

Ahh. Ahh.

Ezri and Connie:
What's the matter?

Nothing. Nothing.

Radio.

Connie: His name
is klink, Roger klink.

She's Melinda Carmichael.
The shrink is Roger klink.

Dr. Klink? Yep.

What's her name?

Connie and Helen:
Melinda Carmichael.

We're on the same case.

Ezri: You'll get
your usual fee, Helen.

I'd like to put you
on a retainer, Felix.

I need some dirt on Dr. Klink.

Uh-huh.

Fax me everything you got.

Uh-huh. Ok, ezri?

I gotta go. I'm there.

Interesting.
bucks an hour, plus expenses.

Fax me at this number.

Fax me. Fax...

ahh!

We're working
the same job again.

You show me yours,
I'll show you mine.

Ezri: Have you ever had
your deposition

taken before, Mrs. Carmichael?

No.

Do you understand

that your testimony here today

is given under oath

and done just like in court?

So despite the
informal setting,

you are testifying

under penalty of perjury.

I'm sorry. The tape jammed.

I'll need a minute.

It's his first day.

Is he gonna be here every day?

It's his right.

Videographer: Got it.

Now, Mrs. Carmichael,

were you carnally intimate

with Roger klink?

Carnally intimate?

Sexually intimate.

Melinda: Um, I guess so.

I mean, we had sex.

Would you please describe
in specific detail

the first of these

decorous unions
with Roger klink?

Indecorous unions, counsel.

Consenting adults
engaged in fornication...

what could be
more decorous, counsel?

How about if, for the purposes
of this deposition,

we let the noun stand alone,
unqualified?

Union, plain and simple.

Fine.

Mrs. Carmichael,
would you please

walk me through
this initial union?

What?

Mr. Stovall would
like you to describe

your first encounter
with Dr. Klink.

Roger klink.

He is a doctor, counsel.

Yes, counsel,
but not her doctor.

How about if,

for the purposes
of this deposition,

we let the klink stand
alone, unqualified?

Fine.

Mrs. Carmichael,

when you're ready.

Well, we had, um...

Sex in the elevator
of his building

between floors.

And would you describe
this union as standard?

What are you
getting at, counsel?

I'm trying
to establish the mode

by which they carnally
expressed themselves.

Oh, you mean the way in which
they were carnally expressive.

Precisely.

Missionary? Front door?

Back door?

Roundy-round?
Were you prostrate?

Plumb?

Ingénue?

Cou...

well, he, um...

He, um...

Stopped the elevator,

and we just kind of
moved at each other.

Uh...

Did he stop the elevator,

or did you?

One of us did.
I-it's a little hazy.

Ok, but you made
the first move.

You're leading
the plaintiff, counsel.

We both moved at the same time,

grabbed at each other. Doct...

he was very excited.

Klink told you he was excited?

No.

But... but I could feel his...

Well, his...

Mr. Happy was pressing up
against me.

Mr. Happy?

Well, that's what
my husband calls his...

Johnson.

Yes, counsel?

Not you.

I'm, uh, referring to.

Melinda's husband's Johnson.

Klink's Johnson...
klink's p*nis.

Could we stay focused

on klink's p*nis
and not the husband's?

Uh, Mrs. Carmichael,

perhaps there's another
term we could use

to describe
Roger klink's p*nis.

Mr. Majestic.
That's what he calls it.

Why didn't you tell me
your pecker has a name?

Ehh... and that she knows it?

I didn't think
it would come up, so...

ohh!

I, uh...

Had an affair years ago.

I mean, it was
a doctor in Denver.

It was a seminal relationship.

If I hadn't had the affair,
I never would've

bought the corvette
or left my wife.

Are you still seeing him?

Him? No.

It was a... a her.
Uh, she, doctor.

Oh, right.

It doesn't have any bearing
on this case.

It better not.

Back on the record, please.

Ok, so you could
feel Dr. Majestic.

I think it's
Mr. Majestic, counsel.

Right. Uh, you could
feel Mr. Majestic

pressing up against you.

What happened next?

Um, we started kissing
and grabbing,

and he was bumping himself
up against me,

kissing my neck, and...

He slid his hands
under my blouse

and was caressing
my breasts in circles,

tiny, little circles.

And one thing led to another,

and I just...

Took Mr. Majestic, um...

In my mouth.

Ehh.

Both: You son of a b*tch!

Dan: Aah!

Whaah!

Dr. Paige!

Danny! Danny! Danny, stop!

You son of a b*tch!
How dare you?!

How dare you?!

Melinda: Dr. Klink, are you ok?

Emily: You son of a b*tch!

Ok, I'm all right.
I'm all right.

I'm all right.
I'm all right now.

Out! Out! Out!

I'm sorry.

Ahh!

You pathetic,
immature peckerwoods!

Oh, the hilarity.

She kissed his pee-pee.

Grow up!

This is serious
g*dd*mn business!

Salacious, yes.

Scandalous, of course.

Titillating, possibly.

But my client's career hangs on.

Ms. Barker's client's
most intimate testimonial.

Get out and stay out

until it's time
for your depositions!

My... why would I need to do one?

Because you're
the flaccid b*stard

that started this whole mess.

Now beat it!

He's... that's...

ditto! Amscray!

I'm... I'm going.

Beautifully expressed, counsel.

Oh, yeah.

That sh*t's hot.

Shut up, Larry!

You're not looking
at the big picture.

The , zero, zero

zero, zero, zero,
zero, zero dollar picture.

Enough. Enough! Give it a rest.

Give it a rest,
Larry, ok, please?

This is all your fault.

My fault?

You're the one that sent...

you're the one
that sent my wife

to that sex fiend.

I'll catch you
later, bro. I, uh...

I... I forgot something.

Well, maybe if you'd been
able to deliver the goods,

your wife wouldn't
have been so damn horny

that she threw herself

on Dr. Klink
in a g*dd*mn elevator!

f*ck you, Dr. Paige!

f*ck me.

How you gonna do that, Dan,
with Dr. Klink's help?

No.

Heh.

Hey, we came to you guys
'cause we wanted help.

We wanted to save our marriage.

You guys are supposed
to be professionals.

You guys don't know anything!

You wanna know why

you can't get an erection
with Melinda?

Hey. Hey, not so loud.

No protection, no erection.

No diaphragm,
Mr. Happy gets sad.

Wife wants children.
Husband doesn't.

Wife forces the issue.

It is a classic
Venus and Mars dynamic.

Now, generally we like patients

to come to certain conclusions
on their own.

But what the hell? There it is,

free of charge.

I'm not ready to be a father.

Great! And what
does Melinda say?

We don't ever talk about it.

We use birth control.
What is there to say?

Isn't that what marriage is,

you know, uh,
knowing without saying?

Fantasyland, Dan.

All relationships
are k*lled by dishonesty,

repressed feelings,
things left unsaid.

Honesty first.

"No protection, no erection."

You're good.

I'm the best.

No protection, no erection.

Mm-hmm, yeah.

Back on the record, please.

I'm trying to picture this.

Y-you were kneeling?

No. I was standing up,

bent over,
with him in my mouth.

So, he was
a passive participant?

No.

His hand was under my skirt,

and he started to touch me...

Rub my...

Mrs. Happy.

Yes, and, um, let's see.

With his other hand,

he was still
touching my breast...

Very gently,

slowly tracing tiny
circles around my nipple,

around and around...

Around and around

and up and down on Mrs. Happy.

Up and down...

And around and around.

Off the record a second.

Uh, counsel, excuse me.
Would you mind...

Would you object
to a -minute recess?

Quite the contrary, counsel.

I'm just trying
to tell the truth.

You're making it sound

like you had wonderful sex
with a terrific lover.

We're trying to sue him,
remember?

We're not writing
an erotic novel.

That circle stuff
sounded great.

Where'd you come up with
that circle business?

Circle business?

Around her nipple?

¶ Round and round ¶

¶ up and down ¶

¶ Round and round
and up and down ¶

¶ and a , , ¶

¶ kick, , , ¶

¶ k*ll 'em ¶

hoo.

Heh.

Excuse me. Heh heh.

Nice... nice camerawork. Here.

I thought they
kicked you out of here.

"Lawrence Carmichael, esq."

It's esquire.

Attorney.

You're a lawyer?

How would you kids like to earn

a little extra scratch
on the side?

Scratch?

Time sort of stood still.

I remember becoming
aware of pounding

and people's voices...

Hello!

And then the phone
started to ring,

And that's when

he, uh...

Put his, uh...

Mr. Majestic.

Into my...

Mrs. Happy.

And there was this pounding

and shouting and ringing,

and we got into
this amazing rhythm.

It was all over
in about a minute,

minute and a half.

Did klink arrive at emission?

Yes.

I wasn't using any protection,

so at the last minute,
we pulled apart,

and I finished him
with my hand.

You did?

Yes, and the other time, too.

Really?

Off the record for a second.

Is it hot in here, counsel?

Mm-hmm-hmm.

It's almost : .

Uh, I'd like to break
early for lunch.

This is the first day
of deposition.

Given the exhaustive nature
of today's testimony, I...

perhaps a discontinuation...

Is counsel requesting a recess?

What would counsel's inclination
be to such a request?

R-request granted.

Uh...

Does counsel have
plans for lunch?

Counsel's going back
to the hotel for a cold shower.

Howdy, ezri.

Howdy, partner.

How are you?

Oh.

Heh.

You've got a great memory
for details.

It's like being
on truth serum in there.

Everything comes flooding out.

Melinda, why are you suing me?

It's... this is so humiliating
for both of us,

and if it goes to trial, this...

everyone in Boise
will find out about...

It.

I think I'm gonna
drop the suit.

I don't wanna go
any further with it.

What? R-really?

No. Uh, y-you should get...

Something.

Do you love me, Dr. Klink?

S...

Do I love you?

Yes.

Do you love me?

I could love you.

Could?

Thanks, ezri.

Get that bite looked at.

What is it with you
and elevators?

You know, it's...

take the g*dd*mn stairs.

I wanted to talk to you.

You know, maybe we could...
I mean, I was thinking we...

I... I really wanna settle
out of court, if...

Aah! Eesh.

Let me set you straight.

First, ezri stovall
has never settled.

Well, that's fine...

he either wins...

Or he goes down
kicking and biting.

...

! Ezri stovall makes
the recommendation

to the insurance company

to go to court,
to settle, et cetera.

If you don't heed his advice,

you will be settling
on your own,

without the insurance company.

Uh, I have
malpractice insurance.

Ehh.

Fine print, elevator boy.

Your policy guarantees
you a defense.

It doesn't say it'll
pay out if you lose

or if it finds that you
have acted criminally...

Criminally? I never
acted criminally.

Or unethically...

She wasn't even my patient.

Or if you decide to...
and I quote...

"if you decide to act against

insurance carrier's
appointed counsel."

You mean if I settle, I pay?

Yep.

Dan: Hey, Mel.

Hey, hey, uh...

I got you some arby's.

Thanks.

Hey.

Ok.

I've been thinking, Mel.

I know what our problem was.

Me, too. You cheated with
that c*ck waitress.

I didn't cheat with the co...

I mean, I was gonna,
but I didn't.

You lied to me about
sleeping with her.

You and I weren't exactly...

because you couldn't...

I couldn't because you
wanted a baby, all right?

Dr. Paige spelled it
all out for me.

No protection, no erection.

I just wasn't ready yet,

but hell, if you
really want a baby,

we'll have one. I don't care,

especially with the
money we got coming in.

I don't wanna
make a baby, not yet.

Yeah, you do. No, I don't.

Yes, you do. Dr. Paige
said it was classic

the way
you lost your diaphragm.

Well, she's wrong.
I didn't lose it.

I just didn't use it, because
you wanted me to get pregnant.

I wanted you to get pregnant?

Yes. No, you... no, wait.

You wanted to get pregnant.

No way. I am not ready
to have a baby.

You're not. Uh-uh.

That means together
we're both not ready.

You don't understand.
This is awesome!

Oh, my God, I thought
if I even mentioned

that I didn't want
to have kids,

you'd divorce me.

Really? Yeah.

Me, too. Oh, my God.

Honesty first. That's the key.

I feel like
a weight's been lifted.

That Dr. Paige is a genius.

I love you, Mel.

I love you, Danny.

I missed you holding me
and holding my hand

and touching my back.

This is what
I wanted all along.

Me, too. Oh, we could
do this every day if we want.

We could do this all day,
every day, whenever we want.

With the money
we got coming in,

we could do whatever we want.

You should see the... the things.

Larry has lined up...
the brochures,

the... the telemarketing,
uh, opportunities.

The... the real estate invest...

there's fun stuff, too...

jai alai and, you know, boxing.

What's Larry have to do
with any of this?

Well, he's our...
he works for us.

You know, he quit his job.

Larry's never had a job.

No, he has one now,
'cause he works for us.

He's gonna get %
of whatever we win.

This isn't a jackpot, Dan.
This is our life.

Look, I was stupid before, ok?

I was really dumb.
You go in there.

You say whatever
you have to say.

It's just words
to me now, baby.

I don't even care...
where you going?

I want out!
I want it all to go away...

the doctors and
the lawyers and you!

Me?! What did I do?

I don't like you, Danny!

You're a big, bad devil!

What? What'd I do?

Connie: No! No!

Ohh! You wanna
drop the lawsuit?!

Yes. It's not worth it.

I never liked this case
to begin with.

Oh, this one looked
better on paper.

Mmm.

Fine.

Fine. Just write us
a check for all

our out-of-pocket legal fees.

Fine. How much will that be?

Joel: Well, let's see.

We have Ms. Barker's fees,
plus expenses and per diem,

times days,

plus first-class airfare

and her support staff
in Chicago.

Then of course there's me
and my staff here in Boise,

plus one private detective
at $ an hour,

plus xeroxing, postage,

various office expenses.

Comes to just under $ , .

$ , ?

Just under.

I don't have
that kind of money.

Guess we'll stay the course.

Never forget
you're the victim here.

Hmm.

Tiff...

who are you?
Wh-where's Tiffany?

Oh.

Helen dalrymple,
private investigator.

Your receptionist let me in.

Look, I-I don't know

who you work for, but could...

I work for you, as*h*le.

Ezri stovall hired me.

Is Dr. Rice in this picture?

Come again?

That's what she said. Heh heh.

Look, ezri said you banged
some shrink at a conference.

He... Dr. Rice.

Are you still
in contact with her?

Uh, no. Dr. Rice

is no longer in the picture.

She... could...

please... could you
please not touch my...

or Tiffany's things?

Did Ms. Carmichael
mention any other affairs?

Other doctors she screwed?

Dentists, podiatrists, clergy?

Clerg... no.

I mean, I told
Mr. Stovall everything,

and anything
she told me is confidential.

Right. Don't wanna abuse

that doctor-patient
relationship.

Wait, wait. I...

Must insist that you leave.

Don't get lippy with me, doc.

I didn't screw my patient.

She w...

Heh. In an elevator?
Are you kidding me?

Ha ha!

We are talking about
stodger Roger, right?

Heh. Good, old Mr. By the book.

Ah heh heh. You know,
when I met him,

he was a -year-old virgin,

and, uh, the morning

after we had sex
for the first time,

I get a call out of the blue

from an ex-boyfriend
who proposes to me.

Really?

Roger, bless his heart,

in a fit of jealousy,
jumps up and says,

"I would marry you."

Years later, I found out
what he meant...

Was "could," not "would."

So, what, you got married
on a grammatical error?

All I know is, um...

We were never very happy.

Uh, has he had many affairs,
your husband?

Well, there was
that otapi conference

in Denver
a couple of years ago.

Otapi. That's some kind
of antelope, right?

What?

Otapi, the organization

of therapists, analysts,
blah, blah, blah.

Come on. Right.

I shouldn't be
telling you any of this.

I've had too many of these.

Darlin', uh...

You could tell me anything.

Well...

He comes back from Denver,

and he's a changed man.

All of a sudden,
he is Mr. Oral sex.

Up until then, Roger
had very rarely, uh...

Cunnilinged me.

Can you say, uh, "cunnilinged"?

Well, I don't know.

What's the verb
for cunnilingus?

Cunnilingated.

Stop it.

Cunnilingual.

That a verb?

I don't know, but I like it.

Anyway, he comes
back from Denver,

and suddenly he's an expert.

Oh, yes. He's slow.
He's sensual.

He's circular.

Am I boring you?

Not a bit.

Salty.

Oh, and he started
doing this, um,

this circle thing,
you know, with the...

with his hands
on my... on my breasts,

kind of like... like that.

Really? Yeah.

Whoa. Heh.

And, uh... Wow.

I let the whole thing
drop, and then, uh,

oh, about , months later,

he got a card in the
mail from a Dr. Rice.

Looked like an invitation.

Who's Dr. Rice?

Exactly what I said,

you know, very nicely,

and, uh, Roger
got very flustered.

And stammered something
about it obviously

being addressed
to the wrong Dr. Klink.

Is Dr. Rice a boy doctor
or a girl doctor?

A girl doctor.

Are you sure?

Heh. Well, who else but a girl

could have taught him

all those good things
that he knew?

Well, thank you...

Heh. For your help.

We, um... we are
separated, you know.

Mmm.

Uh, do you live alone?

I, um...

Have a roommate.

But, uh, listen,
uh, here's my card,

and, uh, if you can
think of anything else,

why, uh, you can call me.

Oh. Day and night.

Thank you.

Ma'am.

I'll see you.

No!

What's going on?

Good morning, counsel.

Hi, counsel. How's it hanging?

Connie: Better put that
animal of yours in a cage,

or I'll have to get
a restraining order.

Ezri: Your client
has violated rules

regarding ex parte propinquity.

I'll squeeze in here with you.

Let's take the stairs.

I get an erection just
thinking about elevators.

We were by the door,
standing up.

He was hugging me,

moving his hands over my dress

and then under my dress.

I wasn't wearing any underwear.

Oh, baby!

Hey, Dan, over here.

Hey. Hey, Larry, what's up?

You seen Melinda?

Haven't seen her, bro.

But you don't think this money's
goin' to her head, do you?

No, I don't think so.

In fact, I don't even think

she's % into
the whole thing.

We were talking last...
last... is... this is...

Larry, this is Melinda naked.

I took her head

off last year's Christmas card,

downloaded the body
off the Internet.

The rest is
the magic of Photoshop.

But g*dd*mn, Larry,
she's still naked.

I-it's not her body.

With sexy artwork
on the video box,

I can get double per unit.

What are you talking about?

Yee-ha!

I put my hands in his pants.

Oh, my God. Larry...

ok, that's my little surprise.

Melinda is hot, bro.

Is that... are those...

would you look
at this crowd? Heck,

we could sell
her deposition tapes

to every bar in town.

I've got a buddy in salt lake
working on the website.

Wha... Larry, I am trying
to get back with her.

...being up on his desk,

on all fours.

Whoo! Whoo!

Larry, have you
seen your brother?

Speak of the devil.
Hey, Melinda.

What's this?

Don't worry.
It's not your body.

Boo-yah. Why don't we

turn it off, huh?
I think the game's on.

...his other hand,

he was very gently...

That's me on TV.

...around and around and around

and up and down on...

Mrs. Happy! Mrs. Happy!

Turn it off! Turn it off!

Whoo hoo! Whee-hah!

Danny?

Uh, oh, Mel, oh, sh*t.

How could you?

I didn't. I swear.

How could you?

I didn't. Mel, I swear.

Mel, I swear to God
I didn't. Mel.

All right, look, why don't we...

look, that's my wife!

Can we please turn it off?

Hey! Hey, everybody!

It's Mr. Happy!

Hey, come on, buddy!

Hey, hey, hey...

the best part! Get down, now!

Get him off of there.

Get off me!

Unh!

Yes.

You're kidding.

That's not so bad.

When?

Good idea.

Time is of the essence.

Get hold of Dr. Paige
and warn her.

No, no. I-I'll convey
the message to Mr. Stovall.

What's up?

Good news for our team.

Carmichaels are
splitting up for good.

Melinda's at some hotel
by the highway.

She's very upset.

I'd like to give her
a day's rest.

Johnson thinks we should move on
to Dr. Paige's deposition.

I'm not sure I'm
prepared for Dr. Paige.

Ezri...

It would mean
an awful lot to me.

Max, you ever think
about the other road,

the one you didn't walk down?

The one you stood
at the mouth of,

but were afraid to walk down,
afraid to...

Let down your hair and run?

Ah, I'm waxing rhetorical,

not looking for an answer,
just a little...

Anonymous companionship.

Here, doc,

compliments of the ladies

at the end of the bar.

It's the corvette, Max.
The women love it.

To Dr. Majestic.

Women: Dr. Majestic.

Who told you that?

That's con...
that's confidential

uh, doctor-cli...
uh, attorney...

Ahh! Ahh.

Hey, doc, you forgot
your picture.

Oh.

Man: ¶ bingo
was his name-o... ¶

hi.

Uh, is Felix in?

He's in the shower.

Oh, you're the roommate.

Oh, ha ha ha! He said
he had a roommate.

I totally for...

Did he? And you must be...

I'm... I'm Jennifer.

I'm, uh, the almost
ex-Mrs. Dr. Klink.

Right.

And you're here because...

Well, ah heh heh.

I have a very valuable
piece of evidence

to help screw my future
ex-husband, and, um...

I'd really like
to give it to Felix.

Well, we're not just roommates.

We're partners.

Oh. Perfect. Ok.

So what happened is
a got a call from Max,

the bartender down
at the wild bill lounge.

He didn't know
Roger and I had split,

so he called the house,
and, uh... heh.

Looky what my husband

left behind-y in the bar.

I've seen this picture before.
What's the big deal?

Wh... that's Dr. Rice
next to my husband.

Ex! Ex-husband. Uhh!
Ex-husband.

I mean, look at
their hands. It's...

That's Dr. Rice?

"To a great orator, love, E.R."

Dr. Rice taught Roger the, uh,

cunnilingual arts,
as Felix put it.

Isn't that funny? Ha ha ha ha!

Is that how he put it?

¶ There was
a farmer had a dog ¶

¶ and bingo was his name-o ¶

¶ nn-nn-nn-nn-dog... ¶

does Felix take long showers?

We're lovers,
not just partners.

Oh, yes. Ok.

Well, I never would
have, uh, ahem,

I mean, look at me. It's...

A lot of fringe and... ok.

Well, he'd... he'd called
you his roommate,

just... just so you know that.

Sorry.

Oh, that's ok.

That's ok.

This, um... this is
an Idaho chardonnay,

if you wanna...

I'm gonna go.

Uh, keep the photo.

Keep this. Heh.

And, uh...

Bust his ba*ls
for me, would you?

Don't worry.

This better be good.

I found a picture of klink
with Dr. Rice.

Meaningless. Good-bye.

Guess who Dr. Rice is.

Really?

Are you sure?

Positive.

I'll call you back.

Conthuela, that was amathing.

That was a class-a misdemeanor.

My dear...

That was a felony.

You know what I hate?

I hate that one of us
has to lose.

I wish we could both win.

Ohh. Ok.

Ok.

Ok. Ha.

Ah ha!

Ha ha ha!

Ezri: Exhibit "a"
is a group photograph

from the otapi
shrink convention,

Denver, .

Do you recognize the woman

standing next to Roger klink?

Of course I do.

Would you please read

what's written on
the back of the photo.

"To a great orator, love, E.R."

Who's E.R.?

Emily rice.

Ezri: Who is Emily rice?

Me. I am. Uh...

I was.

My second former husband
was Eugene rice.

What did you mean,
"a great orator"?

It's double entendre.

It... no big deal.

It refers to oral sex.

We had a fling in Denver.

We hardly left the room
for days,

although it was
more of a workshop,

considering Roger was
a sexual fledgling.

I object!

It's the truth.

I tutored him in various
sexual techniques.

Granted, he...
he was a quick learner.

He made the greatest strides
in the oral disciplines,

hence "a great orator."

Oral? You and Dr. Klink?

I named his p*nis Mr. Majestic.

To boost his confidence.

Oh, Jesus...

oh, God! Oh, man.

Should I go off record?

Don't you dare.

I showed him everything.

I crammed months
of training into days.

Oh, and we had
an elevator in Denver.

You two had sex in an elevator?

Well... well, he was too timid.

"What if someone comes?
I'm so scared."

You were like
a supercharged sex instructor!

A square-dance caller!

"Roll over.

"Rub here. Touch this.

On your back. On your knees."

Uhh! It was like
sexual boot camp.

You loved it,
and then you have the nerve

to share my advanced
circle technique with her.

Those circles are mine!

I gave him that technique.

But that's all it is
to you, technique

and disciplines, maneuvers.

I mean, if you had
just shut up once

during the whole weekend
and let me be me,

I might never have
gone back to my wife.

You should've
told me, Dr. Paige.

It had no bearing.

You pressed me to sue him.

You wanted to nail the b*stard.

You used me to get
back at Dr. Klink!

How could you?

You, you stole the circles
from Dr. Paige!

Hell hath no fury
like a woman scorned.

No, no! I was trying to help!

You used Mrs. Carmichael,

a broken woman.

Who was unable
to defend herself

from the advances
of this sexual predator.

Predator? He's a leaf-eater,
a sexual herbivore.

I object. Th...

a predator created
by Dr. Paige.

Oh, but then... but then
her creation spurned her.

So you set out to destroy him,

and this innocent woman
just got in your way.

None of this is true!

You have ruined
my life, Dr. Paige.

My marriage is over,

Dan's become a greedy as*h*le,

and his sh*t brother is selling

the deposition tapes
at local bars!

Wha...

I did it!

Oh, you're fired.

You can't fire her.
She's pregnant.

Uhh. The tapes
are meaningless now.

Remember your wish
last night, consuela?

Last night?

That both of us
could win this case.

That isn't possible,

but I've come up with
the next best thing.

First, you drop
your suit against klink.

Do what?

Drop the suit? Never!

You file a suit on behalf

of Mrs. Carmichael and klink,

the real victims in this case,

against the real villain,

the conniving and
vengeful Dr. Paige.

This'll never hold up in court.

It won't have to. You'll settle

out of court for million,

which the company
will agree to.

And Melinda and klink
will split million.

Minus %.

Everyone's a winner.

Well, not everyone.

According to the settlement,

Dr. Paige will
lose her license.

Lose my license?

But there is an island
in the Caribbean

where you do not need a license

to practice
the psychiatric arts.

Ahh!

Grand Cayman.

The Caribbean?

Brilliant. It's a happy ending.

You are the greatest.

Ezri: Come here, you big lug.

Melinda, Roger,
congratulations!

We won! We're rich!

Emily: This is insane!

I won't agree. I wanna
speak to my attorney.

I'm your attorney.

Every shrink
in the great state of Idaho

has the same malpractice plan
and the same lawyer,

ezri stovall.

As your attorney
and the one voice

the insurance company
listens to,

I recommend we settle
out of court.

But... but you never
settle out of court.

I will for you.

Love means making sacrifices.

I'm sorry, Emily.

Would you like some champagne?

No? Melinda?

Aah! g*dd*mn lawyers
and doctors, go to hell!

Melinda?

Melinda, wait!

Ahh! Gahh!

Roger! Wait!

Roger!

Roger! Roger!

And when did you
come up with all of this?

After you fell asleep.

I fell asleep?

Mm-hmm.

So we didn't...

No.

I missed it.

I took the liberty

of rescheduling you for : .

It's time!

T-time?

Uh-huh. The baby.

Ohh.

Melinda! I'll follow.

Roger! Roger!

Get back here!

Pull over!

We need to talk!

Ohh! Roger!

Roger!

Brother, Emily.

Roger!

Roger, for the love...

Come on. Come on.

Go away! Ohh!

Guhh. Ok. All right.

Listen, I must've been crazy

to risk losing you, ok?

Screw the money.
Screw the lawyers.

Screw Larry.
Sc-screw the shrinks.

I j... I just want you.

I'm begging you, please.
I'm begging you.

I need you.
We're a team, remember?

Siegfried & Roy,
ham and cheese.

You don't care about the money?

I don't need money
to be happy, Mel.

I just need you. That's it.

I missed you so much.

Kiss me.

I lied to you.

I didn't throw
my diaphragm away or lose it.

You didn't?

It's here in my purse.

And do you... do you have
any of that, uh, sauce?

Spermicidal gel?

Say it again.

Spermicidal gel.

Go get it, Mel.
We're in business.

Mr. Happy!

Let's not call it that anymore.

What should we call it?!

I'll think of something.
Let's... come on.

Ok, ok. All right.

All right. I'll be right back.

Oh, my God.

Oh, God.

Heh heh.

Oh, my God.

Oh, I love birth control.

Heh heh heh.

Why are you laughing?

We're rich.

There was a settlement,

and we get almost $ million.

We're rich.

Yeah.

Ah. We can afford
one of those tract houses.

Mm-hmm.

Dan: Oh, God.

Oh, God! Oh, God!

Melinda, are you all right?!

Oh, God. Danny, it's him!

And that's how we got here.

Klink, Paige, rice.

Need a g*dd*mn program.

Yeah.

Deputy: Hey.

Turn that damn thing off.

All right, I've had
about enough.

Get yourself in position
near the door. We're going in.

Deputy: Here.

Thank you, little lady.

Dan: Hurry!

Oh, God! I love you, Danny!

I love you, too, baby!

Wait! Let me try
talking to them.

Melinda, on bullhorn:
Dr. Paige.

Dr. Klink.

Honesty first, right?

I mean, Dr. Paige, what do
you want from Dr. Klink,

and vice versa?

Danny and me took your advice.

We were finally honest
with each other.

It worked.

Yeah, a-all relationships

are k*lled by, uh, dishonesty,

repressed feelings,
things left unsaid...

things like that, you know?

Come on, you guys.
Honesty first, huh?

Emily, I wanted to be
with you so bad,

I was sick after
the otapi conference.

Roger, I want you.

I've wanted to be
close to you since Denver.

It's all I've ever wanted.

My wife and I were married

because of a grammatical
misunderstanding.

She thought I proposed.

I only meant.

I could hypothetically
marry her.

I only married Mr. Paige
to make you jealous.

I... I fantasized that you

would burst into the church
and stop it.

That was my fantasy.

I wanted to, but I was afraid.

Oh, Roger, let's start over,
honesty first.

I... I was thinking
there's gotta be a need

for couples counseling
on grand Cayman, right?

That's what I was thinking.

I love you, Emily.

Ohh. I love you, Roger.

Aah! Don't sh**t me!

Oh, God! Danny!

Aah!

Aah!

Medic: What the?

Melinda! Melinda!

Melinda!

Go evasive! Go evasive!

Are you shot?

No. It's champagne.

Champagne?

Get in there, trousdale.

Aw, sh*t.

Careful, trousdale.

Well?

Ohh. Ohh, in circles. Ohh.

The crisis will be resolved

in about seconds, sir.

g*dd*mn it, you two
better hold on tight this time.

There isn't anybody else
in the world

that could love you.

Yes, sir.

Heh. Don't worry.

Consuela, we're
just getting started.

God, I love a happy ending.

Lucky Larry's lift.
Come down and get lucky.