03x14 - Dial S for Suspicion

[bunniefuu]

Fred, honey, now that you'll be making more money, there's something I want to discuss with you.

What is it, my dear? Mink? Diamonds? Anything at all?

[chuckles]

Life insurance. Life insurance?

Why all of a sudden do you want to be insured?

Not me. You. Me?

[banging]

Barney, will you cut that out? Look what you're doing to the table!

Oh, sorry, Fred. I was just trying to open this here coconut.

You don't have to ruin my table.

Use your head, will you? Oh. All right.

Hey! What do you know? You was right, Fred.

Oh, boy.

[caws]

Yabba-dabba-doo!

♪ Flintstones, meet the Flintstones They're the modern stone age family ♪

♪ From the town of Bedrock They're a page right out of history ♪

♪ Let's ride with the family down the street Through the courtesy of Fred's two feet ♪

♪ When you're with the Flintstones Have a yabba-dabba-doo time ♪

♪ A dabba-doo time ♪

♪ We'll have a gay old time ♪♪

Hello, Flintstones! Hello there!

Come in, Barney. Fred's in the shower. I'll tell him you're here.

Fred, Barney's here.

[singing]

Fred!

Did you hear me, Fred? Hurry or you'll be late for work.

Okay, honey. Just got to rinse off. How about a little hot water, please?

I said, more hot water!

Let's heat it up, Mac.

Okay, now a little cold water to finish up with.

Oh, for Pete's sake.

[shudders]

What's with that guy?

I know it's tough, but when you advertise hot and cold running water, that's what you gotta give them.

Okay, Barney, let's go. Bye-bye, Wilma, honey.

Come on, Barney.

[grunting]

The door's stuck, Fred. Give me a hand. Okay, Barn. When I count three, heave.

One, two, three. Heave!

That did it, Barney.

I'll back the car out and you can get in. Hop in, pal.

What happened, Fred? Aw, quit the clowning, Barney.

Can't you get into the car like anybody else?

I, um, got some news for you, Barney.

I may be getting another and better job.

No fooling? Where? I answered this ad in the paper.

Let's see.

"Wanted: man for high position at Stone Valley Inn.

"Must be executive type college graduate.

Speak Spanish. Salary $450 per month plus meals."

And you applied for this job, Fred? Uh-huh.

And I should be getting an answer any day now.

Sounds like some job, huh, Barn?

It sure does, Fred. But, uh... Uh, what?

Uh, you ain't a college graduate. Who has to know?

If they want to see my diploma, I'll tell them it was lost in a fire.

Sure, and if they want to hear you speak Spanish, you'll tell them your accent was lost in a fire, too.

[laughing]

It so happens that I qualify perfectly for the most important part of that ad.

You mean the meals? Very funny.

I mean the executive type.

Say, that smells mighty good, Wilma. It's Fred's favorite, Betty.

Seaweed fricassee. I got the recipe from his mother.

[growling]

What's the matter with Dino? He hears something.

From the way he's acting, I'd say it was his natural enemy, the mailman.

[growling]

Dino, come back here!

Dino, bad!

Really, Mrs. Flintstone, I wish you'd do something about that animal.

I'm sorry, Mr. Featherspine. I'll just have to keep him tied up.

Here's a letter for you. Thank you.

It won't happen again, Mr. Featherspine. I promise.

"It won't happen again, it won't happen again." Promises, promises, promises.

A letter for Fred. I wonder what it is.

Looks like it might be important. Yes.

Hmm.

Darn these thick envelopes! Yeah. How do they expect people to read other people's mail through them?

[giggles]

Now, Betty. I'm not trying to read Fred's mail. I'm just...

Of course, you could steam it open. No, I wouldn't do that.

If I would do it, how would I do it? Why ask me? I've never done it.

But I do know you hold the envelope over steam.

Steam?

Like the steam from a pot of seaweed fricassee?

Exactly!

I think I can open it now.

There's a letter opener on that desk set. Would you hand it to me, please?

[Betty] Here you are, Wilma.

There. Somebody ought to wise this dame up.

Tampering with the mails is a federal offense.

[caws]

"Dear Mr. Flintstone, your application for the position at Stone Valley Inn

"has been accepted. I am looking forward to..."

[muttering]

Betty, Fred's got himself a job at Stone Valley Inn.

Stone Valley? Isn't that the ritzy resort in the mountains where you can swim and ski in the same day?

That's the place. A girl I know who went there got sunburned in the morning, frostbitten at night, and ended up with third-degree chilblains.

There. All sealed up. Fred will never know it's been opened.

The letter's signed by Conrad Hailstone, the owner of Stone Valley Inn.

And he wants to see me at my earliest convenience.

Go tomorrow. It's Saturday.

Yeah. I'll get Barney to drive up with me.

Oh, boy, Wilma. This job's really going to be something.

$450 a month and meals.

What's this? Seaweed?

[chuckles]

How do you suppose that got in there? I know how it got in there.

You do? Sure.

As an added inducement, Mr. Hailstone enclosed a sample of the food I'll be getting.

Mm!

Seaweed fricassee, and just like my mother used to make.

I guess you're pretty excited wondering what the new job will be.

Yeah, the ad said, "high position."

That could mean anything from manager up.

The ad also said they wanted a college graduate who could speak Spanish. Stop worrying.

I'll just say, "Sigh, señorita," and "hasty banana."

That's Spanish?

[Hailstone] Well, Flintstone, I think you'll do.

Of course, there's the matter of a physical examination.

Physical examination? Yes. We have a company doctor who takes care of it free of charge. It's just a formality, really.

Don't worry about it.

[stammers]

I ain't worried.

Why, from my toes to my head, I'm solid as a rock.

Yes. You'll like it here at Stone Valley, Flintstone.

As all my employees say, "When you work for Conrad Hailstone, you work for the best."

Well, your employees say that? If they want to get paid, they do.

[both laughing]

Fred, would you like to join me in a coconut?

If I can ever figure out how to open it.

All right. Let's say I save $40 a month on meals. That's...

Wait, that should be a four.

[caws] Ouch.

Doggone it! I don't see why I should have to suffer for his mistakes.

Fred, honey, now that you'll be making more money, there's something I want to discuss with you.

What is it, my dear? Mink? Diamonds? Anything at all?

[chuckles]

Life insurance. Life insurance?

Why all of a sudden do you want to be insured?

Not me. You. Me?

[banging]

Barney, will you cut that out? Look what you're doing to the table!

Sorry, Fred. I was just trying to open this here coconut.

You don't have to ruin my table. Use your head, will you?

Oh. All right.

What do you know? You was right, Fred. Oh, boy.

Fred, never mind Barney. We were talking about insurance.

I haven't mentioned it because I felt we couldn't afford it.

Now, things are gonna be different. Money ain't gonna change me.

I'm going to be the same sweet. Fred.

Look, Fred, I know it's not a pleasant thing to talk about, but a wife should have protection in case...

Well, in case something happens to her husband.

How about it, Fred? Will you take out some insurance?

Okay, honey, I'll do it. Maybe tomorrow.

Good. Here's the policy. Read it over, then sign it.

Hey, Wilma's really sold on that insurance bit.

Yeah, but she's right, Barney. She deserves protection.

This policy is for $20,000. $20,000?

There's a double indemnity clause. If I go accidentally, she gets $40,000.

Wowee!

I can see why you'll be worth a lot more to Wilma dead than alive.

[both laugh]

Yeah.

All I have to do is kick off, and she's a rich woman.

What are we laughing at? What? Uh...

I don't know. I guess we're happy at the thought of Wilma finally getting all the things she's wanted out of life.

Cut it out. Come on, let's play some gin rummy.

Good idea, Fred. Get our minds off these silly thoughts.

[Fred] Where are the cards?

Hm.

Dial "S" for suspicion.

That's Wilma's book. Don't lose her place.

Here are the cards. I'll deal. You keep score.

Oh, me. Why can't he keep score in his head?

Fred, this is an exciting book. Listen.

"'Don't worry about my husband, Rodney dearest, ' said Felicia.

'Tomorrow he will have a fatal accident and I will collect the insurance.'

'Goody, ' said Rodney, her handsome young lover.

'And then we can be married.'"

Oh, boy, Fred. That's real romantic stuff.

Yeah. Put the book down, Barney, and let's...

Let me see that book!

Barney, this is all about a woman who gets her husband insured and then bumps him off. So?

Oh! I see what you're thinking.

Oh, for shame, Fred Flintstone. For shame.

Yeah, you're right, Barney. I'm ashamed of myself.

Wilma getting me to take out insurance and reading this book is just a coincidence. Exactly.

Don't ever get any ideas about Wilma.

Oh, ho. She's true-blue. You said it.

Did you sign the policy yet, Fred? No. What's the rush?

No rush. Only there's no sense putting it off.

Yeah, I guess you're right. I'll sign it now.

You'll be sorry! There you are, sweetheart.

Thanks, Fred. I certainly hope I never need it.

But you never know. Insurance can be a wife's best friend.

Hm.

What's with the "hm"?

I was just thinking about what Wilma said. "Insurance can be a wife's best friend."

So?

So $40,000 could be the start of a beautiful friendship.

Will you cut that out?

Hmm. I'll have to get Fred to fix this loose handle.

Oops!

Feel better now, Fred? Yeah, I'll never suspect Wilma again.

[swoons]

[Wilma] Fred! My goodness! It's all right. He just fainted.

Oh. Oh!

I'm so glad you weren't hurt. Yeah, accidents will happen.

Eh, it was an accident, wasn't it, Wilma?

Now, that's a stupid question. I'm sorry, Wilma.

I lost my head. Yeah, you almost did at that.

[laughing]

Well, as long as you all right Fred. I'll finish getting dinner.

Barney, she did it on purpose. Come on now, Fred.

You know it was an accident.

Uh, yeah. Yeah. I guess so. Sure. Wilma's no dope.

If she wanted to get rid of you, she wouldn't throw a cleaver at you.

She'd do something safe. Like putting bug spray in your soup.

[Wilma] Come on, Fred, your soup's ready!

You're really enjoying that book, huh, Wilma?

Oh, yes. It's about a woman who tries to get rid of her husband for his insurance. Yeah? How does she go about it?

Oh, a number of ways.

Right now, I'm up to the part where she puts a pillow over his head.

[stammers] Pillow over his head?

Look, honey, that's not the kind of stuff you should be reading.

Why don't you turn out the light and go to sleep?

No, I want to read a while. You go to sleep, Fred.

I don't think I can sleep.

Sure you can. I'll bet in two minutes you're dead to the world.

[moaning]

Pillow over his head...

Pillow. Fred?

Hm. He knocked the pillow on the floor.

Pillow. Pillow!

Yikes!

I wish I knew what's wrong with Fred. Last night he had a terrible nightmare.

He ran right through the bedroom wall and didn't come back till early this morning.

My goodness.

Maybe it's the excitement over his new job.

I hope that's all it is.

[circus music playing]

Hm!

Sounds like the circus is in town. Look! It's a parade.

Why, there's Rodney Whetstone, the one juggling the knives.

You know him? He's an old boyfriend of mine.

I didn't know he was with the circus. Rodney.

Yoo-hoo, Rodney!

Over here, Rodney!

Wilma!

Wilma Pebble!

[laughing]

Long time no see, Wilma.

[laughing]

Hello, Rodney.

Betty, this is Rodney Whetstone. Rodney, meet Betty Rubble.

Hello. Pleased to meet you.

Rodney, what are you doing with the circus?

I do a knife-throwing act.

Wilma Pebble, it's been years. And you're still as beautiful as ever.

Oh, Rodney. And I'm not Wilma Pebble anymore.

Now, I'm Mrs. Fred Flintstone.

I knew some lucky guy would get you, Wilma.

[laughing]

Where is he? I'll carve my initials in him.

You know, Betty, she broke my heart when she turned me down.

[Wilma] Cut it out, Rodney. I see you haven't changed a bit.

[laughs]

Look, I have to go now. But here are some passes.

Bring your husband to the circus tonight. I'd like to meet Fred.

Fine. Thank you, Rodney.

Okay, Wilma, see you tonight.

Goodbye!

I still think you're worrying over nothing. Your move.

Nothing? My own wife slings a cleaver at me, tries to do me in with a pillow, and you call that nothing?

What does he use to jump with, a pogo stick?

Well, Barney, I can't help being suspicious of Wilma.

That's your privilege, Fred.

But I think Wilma is still the sweet, lovable wife she always was.

It's gonna take more than a few attempts on your life to make me think otherwise.

[door opens]

Fred, Barney, look. Tickets to the circus tonight.

Where did you get them?

A friend of mine who's with the circus gave them to me.

He's a knife-thrower. One of Wilma's old boyfriends.

Betty. Well, he is.

Who is this guy anyway?

You never knew him, Fred. His name is Rodney Whetstone.

Rodney? Where have I heard that name before?

[Barney] In the book Wilma's reading.

It's the name of the guy that helps the wife k*ll her husband.

Oh, yeah. Rodney.

He's anxious to meet you, Fred. That's one reason we're going to circus.

Wilma, tell Fred what Rodney said. [as Rodney] Where is he?

[laughing]

I'll carve my initials in him.

[both laughing]

[in normal voice] Come on, Betty. Let's go in the kitchen.

Barney, now she's got a knife-thrower to do her dirty work.

[ringleader] Ladies and gentlemen, Barnacle & Shaley Circus now brings you Rodney the Great!

Say, Wilma, that Rodney's all right. He's wonderful.

Now, ladies and gentlemen, I'd like a volunteer from the audience to be my target. Somebody brave and trusting.

Preferably somebody with paid-up life insurance.

[laughing]

Who will it be, eh?

Fred, you go. What? Me?

Sure. After he was nice enough to give us the tickets, it's the least you can do. Here's a volunteer, Rodney!

Are you out of your mind?

I'm not letting anybody throw knives at me.

Especially anybody named Rodney.

Fred, don't be such a sissy. Right here, Rodney. Here's your volunteer.

Rodney, my husband Fred. Your husband.

[laughing]

Well! This is a pleasure.

No! No! No!

Fred, you're embarrassing me. Go on. Help! Barney, do something!

Don't worry, Fred. I will.

If he sticks you with a knife, boy, will I boo him.

Not so tight!

Oh, no! Ladies and gentlemen, for the first time 10 knives at one time.

Yow!

[applause]

No! Please! Besides, I use a cigarette holder.

Rodney's just marvelous.

Yeah. There's a picture of him outside doing that trick blindfolded.

I wonder if he really does it. I'll ask him.

Rodney, let's see you do that trick blindfolded.

Ladies and gentlemen, I've had a request from a dear friend of mine to repeat that last trick blindfolded!

[laughing]

Would you like to see me try?

[man 1] Yeah! Sure! [man 2] Go ahead!

Very well.

Wait a minute. Don't I get a say in this?

I haven't practiced this one lately so if I miss, [laughs]

Hope you'll excuse it.

[man] Don't worry, Rodney!

If you miss, just try again!

Well, here goes. Oh, boy. This is where I get it.

Wilma's finally found a way to collect the insurance.

But I ain't standing still for this. Geronimo!

Barney, last night at the circus was the clincher.

Wilma wants the insurance money and she don't care how she gets it.

I know how to outfox her. How?

Before she went out, she told me a doctor's coming to give me a physical examination. I did some checking.

I found out the policy isn't in force until I pass the physical.

That's my way out. I'm not going to pass the examination.

That way, Wilma can't expect any money.

Come on. Here's what we'll do when the doctor gets here.

I give you a...

Get set, Fred. Here comes the doctor.

[banging]

[in feeble voice] Come in.

Mr. Flintstone? I'm Dr. Pilldown.

I've come to examine you for my company. Oh, yes.

But it's just a waste of time, doc. I couldn't be in better shape.

[coughs]

Mr. Flintstone, you still alive? It's amazing how he hangs on.

Doctor...

Pilldown, this is my nurse.

Nurse? Why do you need a nurse, Mr. Flintstone?

What is wrong with you? Oh...

Nothing. Nothing at all. I feel fine.

[coughing]

Fine. It's time for your pills, Mr. Flintstone.

What are those pills for? What difference does it make?

He's got everything.

No man can be that sick. I'll have to see for myself.

[ticking]

I have never heard anything like that before.

Let me feel your pulse.

There's no pulse! I don't feel any pulse at all!

That's funny. It was there yesterday, or was it the day before?

I'm afraid I'll have to report you as a bad risk, Mr. Flintstone.

I'm sorry.

Yabba-dabba-doo! I've flunked the medical.

Yeah, Fred, you sure fooled that doctor. [laughs]

"I've never heard anything like that before."

[laughing]

I better do something about that ticker of mine.

Look, Barney. My ticker's set to wake me up at 7:30.

I thought I'd keel over when he said he didn't feel any pulse.

Yeah!

When I bring this back to Sam the tailor, I'm gonna say, "Thanks for the loan of the dummy hand, Sam.

It saved my life."

[knocking on door]

Who is it? [Pilldown] Dr. Pilldown.

[coughs]

Come in.

Forgot my stethoscope. Can't be a doctor without a stethoscope.

Yes, you're gonna need that for the next person you examine for the insurance company.

Insurance company? I don't work for an insurance company.

No? Then who did you examine me for?

Why, for Conrad Hailstone, of course, for the job at Stone Valley Inn.

But, doctor. Which, naturally, you are in no condition to take.

Doctor. [stammers] Good day.

[door slams]

[moans]

Barney, now I am sick. Pill time!

You mean you actually thought I wanted to collect the insurance?

Thanks a lot, Fred.

That's the nicest compliment I've had today.

I'm sorry, Wilma, but you gotta admit suspicious things happened.

And with you reading that book. Fred.

What would you think if I started reading about Bluebeard and then accidents started happening to you?

You know, you've been watching those horror programs too much.

It's making you soft in the head.

[chuckling]

Yeah, I guess you're right, Wilma.

I'll tell you what. No TV tonight.

Instead, if you'll forgive me, sweetheart, Fred Flintstone will give a live performance smooching with his wife.

[Wilma] Now, that's the kind of program I like.

[Fred laughing]

You know what, honey? The repeats are better than the first run.

Fred. [slowly] Yabba-dabba-doo.

[laughing]

♪ Flintstones, meet the Flintstones They're the modern stone age family ♪

♪ From the town of Bedrock They're a page right out of history ♪

♪ Someday, maybe Fred will win the fight Then that cat will stay out for the night ♪

♪ When you're with the Flintstones Have a yabba-dabba-doo time ♪

♪ A dabba-doo time ♪

♪ We'll have a gay old time ♪

♪ We'll have a gay old time ♪♪ Wilma!