01x20 - Quinceañera

[bunniefuu]

Okay, before I start class,

I wanna remind you all that your
grandmother is coming for a visit.

And since she's your mother's mother
and not my mother,

she doesn't know anything
about all of this.

You mean,
how you won't turn on the a.c. In here?

No. I'm talking about magic.

And when Grandma's here,
no one uses magic or talks about magic.

- Done.
- Got it.

Now let's talk about magic.

The spell for today, body switching.

Awesome.
Alex, you and me switch seats.

Max, that's not magic.

Dad, she never lets me sit there.
It would be kind of magical.

Fine. Switch spots.

Anything to stop this discussion.

Okay, body switching is a spell

where two people
can switch bodies with each other.

For instance, Alex, you and Justin
could switch bodies.

Why would I wanna do that?
I can already do more pull-ups than him.

Yeah, well, I'd switch bodies
with Chuck Norris,

do more pull-ups
and give you a roundhouse kick.

You just admitted
I can do more pull-ups than you.

Okay.

Now, this is a tricky spell

because if you don't switch back
before sundown,

you'll be trapped
in the other person's body forever

with no way out.

And then you'll be a vampire
and you'll have to drink blood.

You really have to start reading
the handouts.

Alex, let's give it a try with me and you.

Now, just say the two people's names,
and then this:

All right. Alex, Jerry:

Excellent, Alex.

You ex*cuted the spell perfectly.

Maybe your mom's right.
I could drop a couple pounds.

Why is it so hot in here?

Man, you have a lot of hair.

Smooth. Scratchy.

Smooth. Scratchy.

Alex, leave my face alone.

You guys get the idea.
Now switch us back.

Later.

I've got a little shopping to do first.

You don't have any money.

No.

But you do.

Would you just...? I just put you... Alex!

Nice try, little girl.

What? I changed us back
as soon as you caught me.

I caught you at the register at the mall.

- Harper, what are you doing?
- Planning your quinceañera.

Oh, my gosh. Am I sick?
What's a "quincemono"?

It's a party
celebrating a girl's coming of age.

That's why your grandmother's
coming to town.

You get to wear a pink beautiful dress.

And it's a Latin-American tradition

that comes from the words quince,
meaning ,

and año meaning year, and "era"
which just makes it sound Spanish.

Yeah. I'm sorry.

Everything after "pink dress"
was just yuck, yuck, yuck.

But there are rituals symbolising
your becoming a woman

that you go through with your dad.

What? I didn't give anybody
permission to become a woman.

I'm with Dad. You know me,

I don't do anything
Dad doesn't want me to do.

Well, look, I love being half-Mexican
and half whatever he is, but...

Italian.

Italian. I tell you that every time
you order pineapple on your pizza.

The point is, look at all this stuff.
It's all too girly and lame.

No, thanks.

You'll come around.
Because for the dress,

I've embraced
traditional Mexican embroidery.

The shawl will be overnighted
from Oaxaca, Mexico.

What do you think?

I think you sound like you're choking
when you say "Oaxaca."

But maybe I could spill a little paint on it
and rip it and then I'll call it a dress.

And when I'm done,
it'll go great with these.

No, no, no.

There's a ritual where you change
from a flat shoe to a high-heeled shoe.

Well, maybe I can change from
these high tops to even higher high tops.

No, Alex.

There are certain things
that people do at a quinceañera,

and we're going to do them.

If I can't wear my sneakers
and I have to wear that, then we're not.

Alex, you can't cancel.

A lot of work has gone into this.

It's my party. I can cancel if I want to.

It's not just your party. It's our party.

Oh, yeah? Well, it seems
like it's mostly just about you.

If I see so much as a scratch on that bike,
someone's gonna eat spokes.

- Grandma.
- Lexie.

Hey, and Harple.

Here we go again. It's Harper.

- Hi, Grandma.
- Yeah, hi.

How was your bicycle tour
around New England?

It was long.

I was worried that the next time
I saw that bicycle seat

was gonna be in one of my x-rays.

Hey, where are Justin and Max?

I learned a new wrestling move.
I wanna try it out on them.

Jerry, that's the way
I left you a year ago: Eating.

Hi, Magdalena.

And for your information,
I lost pounds.

Pull up your shirt. I think I found them.

So how's the party planning
going, girls?

They're very sensitive
when you make fun of my weight.

I talked to your mom.

She thinks your dad
could drop pounds too.

She's mostly upset about you.

Yeah, she'll get over it.

Well, I haven't seen her this upset
since she was

and she asked
if she could have a quinceañera

and we couldn't afford it.

She wanted one
and she couldn't have one?

Yeah.

Is that why she wants me
to have one so bad?

I don't know, mi hija. Maybe you're right.

Maybe she figured at least
she'd get to have one for you.

But it's just not me.
I really don't want one.

But that doesn't mean
she can't have one.

Don't be silly.
Your mother can't have a quinceañera.

She'd have to be a -year-old girl.

Stranger things have happened.

No, seriously, they have.

Hey, Dad. Where's Mom?

Doing what she always does
when she's upset:

Venting to customers
about what's wrong with her life.

It's not like I have another daughter

I could give my hopes and dreams to,
you know?

Anyway, corned beef?

Hey, Mom, good news.

I changed my mind.
I want a party after all.

What? We're not ready.

I thought we agreed. No womanhood.

Oh, my gosh, you do?

You really do? I'm so excited.

It's gonna be perfect.

- As long as it's over by sundown.
- Why sundown?

Because I hear that you can get
the banquet rooms for cheaper.

Yeah, that's what I heard. Good.

Oh, honey. I'm so excited.

It's gonna be great.
You're gonna look beautiful.

You're gonna have a special dance
with each one of your brothers.

Wait a minute.

I heard "dancing" and "brothers."

I signed you up for a couple
of ballroom dance lessons

so you'll be ready
for Alex's quinceañera.

So these two eggheads have to dance?

Dad made a rule
against her being a woman.

Well, I thought Dad made a rule
against her calling us eggheads.

So I guess this womanhood train
is clearly leaving without me.

Look, as a father,

I am not gonna be left behind,
so I'm on board.

No, I'm not.

Okay, class.

On to something
that all but two of you can do.

The salsa.

Oh, salsa.
Were we supposed to bring chips?

And one, two, three.

Five, six...

This door should open out.

Hi, boys.
I came to pick up my grandsons.

But, Grandma, we're about to salsa.

It's not just a zesty dip.

So these twinkle toes
are gonna teach you how to salsa?

Oh, fine. I love a good comedy.

Richard?

And one, two, three.

And add the three-step spin.

Wait, wait, wait. You call that a salsa?

It looks more like you're trying
to get gum off your shoe.

Maybe it'd be better if you all left.

Fine.

I'll teach my grandsons how to salsa.

But, Grandma,
Mom expects us to learn how to dance.

If I can make salsa,
I can dance the salsa.

You've heard the saying:
You dance what you eat.

Grandma, it's "you are what you eat."

Do you know how to dance?

- No.
- Then shut up.

One, two, three, wrestle.

You look beautiful.

Yeah. Pink and puffy.

Really pink and puffy.

But it's okay, because I'm not gonna be
the one wearing it. You are.

- Alex, Theresa:
- Wait a minute. Are you doing magic?

Why am I looking at myself?

Well, you may be looking
at yourself on the outside,

but it's me on the inside.

Hi, Mom.

You're in my body?

Yup. And you're in my body.

You are grounded as soon
as you get back in this body,

because I am not grounding myself.

Alexandra Marguerita Russo,
you promised your father

you wouldn't do magic
while your grandmother's visiting.

Mom, I know you're mad,
but just hear me out.

This is the only way you can enjoy
the "quincenomo" you've always wanted.

And then if you're mad, well,
then punish me. It's okay, fine.

It's "quinceañera."

Oh, my gosh.

I love this dress. I'm so pink and fluffy.

I'm again.

That's right, Mom. You're again.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Don't be sorry.

This is fantastic.
I'm having a quinceañera.

You think we can pull this off?

Trust me, it would not be the first time
I got away with magic.

I mean, it would totally be the first time.

- Alex?
- What?

No. You don't mean "what,"
I mean "what." What?

I talked to your mom
and she decided it was okay

for you to wear
the shoes you wanted.

Oh, my gosh.
When were you gonna tell me?

I was gonna tell you
before the thing happened.

- Before the thing that just happened?
- Yes, the big thing.

What big thing?

Nothing. I just decided
that I'm very okay with wearing high heels.

And this tiara.

I look like a princess.

Don't you think you should teach us
how to dance?

We've been telling Mom
that we've been going to lessons.

Don't worry.
There's plenty of time for dance lessons.

- When?
- The quinceañera is now.

Time got away from me, eh?

I need to get Alex a present.

Max, you go find me some Scotch tape.

And, Justin,
you go find me some wrapping paper.

Excuse me, ma'am.

You know, that necklace
really doesn't go with your outfit.

Oh, I know.
How about I buy it off of you?

What are we gonna do now?

You know,
I didn't want it to have to come to this,

but there's only one way out.

We have to break each other's legs.

Okay. Me first.

Got it.

Attention, everyone.

I present to you my daughter,
Alex Russo.

Thank you so much, everyone,
for coming to my quinceañera.

I just love saying "my quinceañera."

Everyone, all together. My quinceañera.

My quinceañera!

Alex is really into this.

Not to take all the credit,
but I always knew I could change her.

What?
You know I just like to eat the icing.

So does Alex.

Now I know where she gets it from.

Yeah.

And now it's time
for the symbolic shoe ceremony.

First, I will remove Alex's flat shoes,

and then I will put on
these high-heel shoes.

Get your own, mister.

What I meant is,
I will put these high-heel shoes on Alex

to symbolise a girl becoming a woman.

Mom.

Yes, son?

We got kicked out of dance class.
We never learned how to dance.

We're gonna look like complete fools.

You eggheads.
You're gonna ruin this whole thing.

Wait a minute. Eggheads.

Eating the icing off the cupcake.
Your lip.

And those high tops.

The body-switching spell.

You switched bodies with Mom,
didn't you, Alex?

Keep it down, nimrod.

Nimrod?

Alex.

That means Mom's out there.

That means
we're gonna have to dance with her.

And be good.

Okay.

Okay, how about I do the robot
and you pretend to oil me?

No, you egghead.

We can switch bodies
with someone too.

The dance instructors.

Attention, everyone.

Justin and Max
have prepared to dance with Alex.

- Max, Candace.
- Justin, Richard.

What am I doing here?

I don't know.

But like all the other trouble spots
I've gotten into in all my life,

I'm gonna dance my way out.

Showtime.

Do you know how to salsa?

Yes, I do.

If you were years older,
I would ask you to dinner, mi amor.

Okay, that's really weird.

It's time for the big finale.

Leap into my arms.

- Really?
- I've got you, baby.

Arms out. Hold it, girl.

That's it. You're a swan.

I'm a swan.

We made it back by sundown.

Did Alex and Mom switch back yet?

I don't think so.

Alex, the sun is going down.

Sundown? I've gotta switch back
or I'll be stuck in Mom's body forever.

Thanks, bro.

Alex, Theresa:

Theresa.

Ma.

You know, your father always wanted
to give a speech at your quinceañera.

He even wrote one.

And now that we are here
at your daughter's,

I'm going to read it to you.

"My dearest daughter, Theresa.

When you were born at : p.m.,

it was a rainy, rainy day.

I knew
because I hadn't fixed the roof yet."

- So how many pages?
- I don't know. Like .

You know,
he was always fixing that roof.

Always, huh?

I'm a klutz.

Oh, well, that's all right, Maxamillions,
because you know what?

I have it memorized.

I just would hold the papers for, you know,
that sort of dramatic effect.

Let's see, now where was I?
Where was I?

Oh, yes, the roof. The roof, okay.

And then when you started walking,

I heard the pitter-patter
of both your feet and rain.

I still hadn't fixed the roof.

Hey, hey, Grandma.
You wanna wrestle now?

No. In a minute, okay, mi hijo?

This is a very important,
emotional moment.

Oh, so are you saying you're chicken?

No. I'm just gonna start
from the very top.

We're supposed to be crying here.
My dear...

Oh, it's on.

We'll pick this up later.

That's not fair.

Alex. Alex, the sun's going down.

Hurry, say it. Say it.

Alex, Theresa:

These high heels are lame.

Get them off me.

She's back.

Alex, I just wanna thank you,

because the quinceañera
was everything I hoped for.

You know, Grandma was reading me
this letter that Grandpa wrote for you.

You should really hear it.

Oh, the one about the leaky roof?
He read that for everything.

Birthdays, weddings.

He even read it when he won bucks
off a lotto scratcher.

Well, I'm glad you liked it
and I'm glad it's over.

Well, it's not over yet, young lady.

It's time for the father-daughter dance.

Oh, Alex, you really are growing up.

You did all this for your mother,
and look how happy it made her.

I'm glad we did this too, Dad.

You really are turning
into a wonderful woman just like her.

I am so proud of you, honey.

Even when I break the rules
and use magic behind your back?

Even then.

Oh, honey, are you crying?

Yeah, but why aren't you?
You've been crying for days.

Well, I think I'm all cried out.

Really?

What if I told you
how much this quinceañera cost?

Oh, my gosh.

Here it comes again.

Well, guys, you managed
to refrain from using magic

the whole time Grandma's been here.

- You're welcome.
- It wasn't easy.

Took a lot of restraint.

Well, you should really pat
yourselves on the back.

Well, I've never been
in this room before.

Is this room what I think it is?

What room do you think it is?

The wrestling room.

Best two out of three.

Gotcha.