03x06 - Good Will Haunting

[bunniefuu]

[WOLF HOWLING]

[TWITTERING]

[MAN SCREAMING]

[THUNDER CLAPPING]

Good evening.

It's that time of year again,
children.

Halloween.

[CHUCKLING]

[LAUGHING THEN COUGHING]

I'll work on that.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Tonight's terrifying episode
of Sabrina, the Teenage Witch

may not be suitable for some
parents. Meh-heh-heh.

This would be a good time
to put them to bed.

I'll wait.

[HUMMING AND WHISTLING]

Oh, that was quick.

So you're all alone
without Mommy or Daddy?

Well, there's been a jailbreak.

An escaped convict
in your neighbourhood. Ooh!

Who's that behind you?

[SCREAMING]

[CHUCKLING]

Made you look.

[LAUGHING]

I'm one hot tamale.

[WOMAN SCREAMING]

ZELDA:
Hilda.

Hilda, get ahold of yourself.

Ah. Thanks. I needed that.

Oh, no. We've been invited to
Aunt Beulah's Halloween party again.

Aunt Beulah? I've never met her.
Does she know the family secret?

Her only secret is that she's managed
to throw the dullest Halloween party

for the last years in a row.

So why do you guys go?
It's not like your social life--

Oh.

We've never gone.

Come to think of it,
we've never even met her.

And we're running out of excuses.

World Wars I and II,
the Chicago fires

not to mention
Luke and Laura's wedding.

Oh, dear, we have to go.

Oh, thank goodness.

I was afraid I was gonna have fun
this Halloween.

There. We've R.S.V.P.'d.

Which stands for rotten, stupid,
vile party.

Well, it's not like
it's etched in stone.

"Spellman family confirmed
for Allhallows Eve."

Is it possible to put someone
up for adoption just for one night?

Yeah, put me up.

I've got the best idea
for Halloween:

Harvey, Justin, you and me
at your house watching scary movies.

Please tell me
you haven't already invited them.

No, I learned my lesson last year.

I'm telling you before I invite people
to your house without telling you.

Good. I'd like to have you guys over,
but I've already promised my aunts--

- Harvey.
- And Justin.

- Sabrina.
- And Valerie.

- Let's not break into song.
- What are we doing for Halloween?

Watching scary movies
at Sabrina's house.

Cool. We'll get the movies,
you get the hoagies.

Valerie, you invited people
to my house again.

Sorry. It's so ironic. It's the one area
of my life I'm really pushy.

Please, please, please don't make me
go to Aunt Beulah's party.

Come on. It's our first double date.

Come on.

If you say yes, I'll do all the cooking,
the cleaning, the laundry.

You won't have to lift your finger
for weeks.

Come on, look at this face.

Oh, all right. You don't have to go.

Thanks. Are you still gonna hold me
to that cooking-cleaning-laundry thing?

SALEM:
Boo!

Salem, you look ridiculous.

You were terrified,
and you know it.

[SCOFFS]

[BELL CHIMES]

MAN: Special delivery
for Sabrina Spellman.

Oh, that's me.

Um, would you accept
an invisible tip?

How about if you kiss
my invisible behind?

Sounds like someone
should go back to sorting.

Why does Sabrina get to stay home
and I have to go?

Aunt Beulah sent me
a Halloween present

because I can't make it
to her party.

She doesn't have to go
and she gets presents?

It's a Molly Dolly.
Whatever happened to a crisp ?

Oh, well, dear, she means well.

Listen, if you need to call us,
we left the number.

SALEM:
This will be fun.

I haven't been a chaperone
since Altamont.

I don't have to go.
I just remembered I have free will.

No, you don't.

Okay, young lady,
you listen, and you listen good.

There will be no smooching, no--

[DOORBELL RINGS]

They're here. Play with my doll.

Hm?

Trick or treat.

Hey, good call
on not wearing a costume.

Where are the guys?

[BOYS GROWL
AND VALERIE SCREAMS]

- Pretty scary, huh?
- On a lot of levels.

[THUNDER CRASHES]

Cool. A storm.

Hope my little brother's okay.
He's going as the tin man.

I bet it's gonna rain.
Perfect night to watch scary movies.

Yeah.

Remains of the Day?
Enchanted April?

The Bridges of Madison County?

Sorry. We got to the movie store
kind of late

and these were the only scary movies
we could find.

Well, come on in. The hoagies are on,
the root beer's chilled.

Very funny, Salem.
Five's a crowd, doll.

- Now, remember--
- When you want me to sh**t you

and put you out of your misery,
you'll scratch your nose.

Right.

Now brace yourself for an evening
of awkward conversation

and disturbing smells.

[CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYS
OVER TV]

[SCREAMS]

- What is it?
- Clint Eastwood just took his shirt off.

Nothing worse
than cold popcorn, uh.

I'll, uh-- I'll be right back
with some more.

You're just a doll.
You didn't smile at me, right?

DOLL:
I'm a Molly Dolly.

Salem, please tell me
you're throwing your voice.

Mm?
Not me. Too many caramels.

ZELDA:
Hilda, stop it.

We're not leaving
until we find Aunt Beulah.

Excuse me. Are you Aunt Beulah?

No. I'm Delilah.
And I'm delighted to meet you.

They sound alike.
It's a real conversation starter.

Okay, she's not here. Let's go.

Ladies, allow me to introduce myself.
I am Dr. Hans Egglehoffer.

The Dr. Hans Egglehoffer?

The renowned psychiatrist,
author and surgeon?

Really? Where? Oh, that's me.

[LAUGHING]

This party isn't going to be boring
after all.

Dr. Egglehoffer is the foremost
authority on slug reproduction.

Ooh, ask him if he's got a friend.

Hi, simply hi. I'm Gary Owens.

The TV personality?
Oh, sure you are.

Yes, and I also have
my own radio show

heard nationwide
by million listeners.

Thank you.

Doesn't even sound
like Gary Owens.

Is this a fabulous party or what?

Well, obviously,
you've had a few...too many.

So after our perfunctory hellos
and goodbyes to old Aunt Beulah,

we'll drive you home.

But I am home.

But that would make you
Aunt Beulah.

[SINGING]
That's me.

HILDA: Aunt Beulah.
BEULAH: Oh, darling.

We're so happy we finally made it.

Well, that's a load of bull h*nky,
but I love it.

Listen up, everybody.
It's time for a toast.

I have been up all night
making this candy corn.

Tell me what you think.
Be brutal. Be brutal.

- It's kind of stale.
- Monster.

Okay. Nobody's seen anything.
The night is still salvageable.

I'm a Molly Dolly.

I'm sure you're a nice dolly,
but I don't have time--

- Sabrina?
- Valerie.

Why are you talking to a doll?

Because I don't believe
in hitting them.

You have some trick-or-treaters,
but none of us can open the door.

Trick-or-treaters?
What could they possibly want?

Make sure she doesn't
get out of there.

A little time in the box
might do her some good.

[CHILDREN GIGGLING]

Wow, Mulan has quite an arm.

Hey, if you kids don't knock it off,
I'm gonna break out the raisins.

[ELECTRICITY BUZZING]

- You okay?
- Yeah.

It must be an electrical storm, and
you know how eggs conduct lightning.

- I'll just go try the back door.
- I'll help you.

No. Look.

Another bridge.

Now I know why
my mom loves this movie.

HANS: You know,
you have a fascinating brain.

- I would love to study it.
- Oh, you're too kind.

Mind if I take a few measurements?

Don't you wanna try
the cocktail wieners?

I hear they're good.

"If you like cocktail wieners,
you'll love our new cheese log,

made with percent cheese
and percent log."

I hope this party's over
while I'm still in my 's.

[LAUGHING]

I don't get it.

Excuse me.

Okay, I can't take it anymore.

I've had enough of this party
and enough candy corn.

I wanna go home.

Don't you think I wanna leave?

But we can't during the toast.
It would just be rude.

After all these centuries,

I'm celebrating Halloween
with my dear nieces, Hilda and Zelda.

- Not now.
- I don't give a bat's behind.

I want to go home.

[CROWD GASPS]

Well. Uh, we'll just be leaving now.

Oh, that's impossible.
Oh, Bellevuedere.

This is an insane asylum.
No one leaves. Ever.

[LAUGHING]

It didn't say that on the invitation.

[WOMEN CACKLING]

DOLL: I'm a Molly Dolly.
- I know.

Wait. You're behind all this.

Why'd you seal the doors? How'd you
get out of the box? Where's Salem?

[SALEM MUMBLING]

The Molly Dolly is bad.

Hide me behind the rye
and close the door.

You sicken me.

Look, Molly "Psycho" Dolly,
I don't know what you're up to,

but if you don't unlock this house,
I'm gonna throw you out in the traffic.

Well, as soon as you unlock
this house.

I'm a Molly Dolly.

Stop that.
Can't you say anything else?

I'm a Molly Dolly,

and I'm gonna get you.

That's not what I wanted to hear.

Look, Molly, I'm not afraid of you.

I don't know if you're aware of this,
but I'm a witch.

Ooh, I'm scared.
Sarcasm not sold separately.

[GIGGLING]

Look, I'm warning you.
I have friends over.

Oh, goody. I have friends too.

Nice to meet you, Frank. How'd
the operation turn out? Gotta go.

[GROANS]

[MONSTER GROANING]

Hoagies repeating on you too, huh?

[VIOLIN PLAYING]

Do I hear a violin?

I need the practise.
Don't look. I'm very self-conscious.

Not the sharpest pencil
in the monster box, heh-heh.

You can't just keep us here.
We can just zap ourselves out.

What have you done
with our magic?

You no longer have your power.
That's what the candy corn was for.

Oh, Bellevuedere.

[BOTH SCREAM]

You don't understand.
We do not belong in an insane asylum.

We don't even like Crazy Bread.

Maybe we'll have to subdue you.
Won't hurt a bit.

Not me, anyway.

- Run.
- Run.

I'm glad I wore
my sensible shoes.

They were on sale at Fayva.
The prices were insane.

Okay, it's late.
Time to go. See you at school.

I'm looking at a still photo. Move.

- It's only : .
- And the doors are stuck.

I'm pretty sure the mud porch
is wide open.

DOLL:
Not anymore. Don't go.

The knife--
I mean, the night has just begun.

And they say
she's the next Teddy Ruxpin.

Who turned out the lights?

[GIGGLING]

[SCREAMING]

Me.

That's it.
I'm calling my aunts for help.

The phone's dead.

DOLL: If you're a teenager
scared out of your wits,

press the pound key now.

I shouldn't tell you this, but it may be
our only chance for survival.

That doll has magical powers.
It's out to get all of us.

Run! Hide! Save yourselves!

[LAUGHING]

Sabrina, when you do a prank,
you go all out.

I heard about
your river of candy corn.

It's not a prank.

We're never gonna get to see
Enchanted April!

[LAUGHING]

[GIGGLING]

All right,
I think we've lost Bellevuedere.

Luckily, we were running,
he was frolicking.

Oh, great. An exit. We can escape.

[BABBLING]

Nope, just an escape from reality.

Quick. Bellevuedere's coming.
I know a way out.

Oh, thank goodness, Delilah.
You're the only sane person here.

Delilah? My name's not Delilah.

It's Fred.

Don't make me
turn this car around.

[IMITATING CAR]

It's funny.
I never thought I'd die this way.

- Not really funny ha-ha.
- No.

More funny ha-ha-ha-ha.

[LAUGHING]

Well, I thought it was funny.

[SCREAMING]

SABRINA: There's gotta be a
flashlight around here somewhere.

Are we afraid of the dark?

Can we take out her batteries?

I can't find a candle, a match,
a torch...

There's never an angry mob around
when you need one.

Here's some light.

Maybe we could put a bag
over her head.

DOLL [SINGING]: Merrily, merrily
Merrily, merrily

Life is but a scream

Sabrina,
I know you went to a lot of trouble,

but sometimes
pranks can go too far.

[THUNDER CLAPPING]

[GROANING]

See, this is exactly
what I'm talking about.

[SCREAMING]

[SCREAMING]

[SCREAMING]

What am I gonna do?
There's no spell to stop k*ller dolls.

Well, at least find one
to turn on the lights.

I don't believe this. Clap on.

Well, good. We have light.

Maybe now we have a fighting chance
against Molly. Come on, Salem.

[GASPS]

Oh, wait. There's the exit. Let's go.

No. They're not gonna fool us
this time. I'm onto them.

Laboratory, my eye.

[HILDA SCREAMS]

HILDA:
I don't know about you,

but I wish we would have tried
that door marked "Exit."

How kind of you to join us.

I realise you've been captured.
I'm just being ironic.

Come in. Here, sit, sit, sit.

Sit here, ah.

Now,
I will attempt to switch your brains

with the brains
of the two chickens over there.

What? You will do no such thing.

You should have heard
the chickens complaining.

You're lucky. Usually his experiments
are kind of crackpot.

And that was
"They're Coming To Take Me Away."

Next up:
"They're Coming To Take Me Away."

Let the experiment begin.

[ELECTRICITY BUZZING]

DOLL:
Everyone's hiding?

Come out, come out
wherever you are.

That's it. You're going down,
you little plastic nightmare.

[GRUNTING]

Your winking days are over.

Way to go, Sabrina.

My plan to pretend
I was a coward worked.

Okay. Now all I have to do
is go wrestle Frankenstein,

the mummy
and all those other freaks.

I'll go get my aunts.

DOLL:
You'll never get away with this.

You'd better hope Aunt Beulah
saved your receipt.

You don't toy with Sabrina,
especially if you're a toy.

DOLL:
Oh, really?

[WHISPERING]
Sabrina. Sab-- Sa--

Next up: "Crazy."

Oh. Aunt Hilda, Aunt Zelda,
you've gotta help me.

Aunt Beulah's doll is wacko. Harvey,
Valerie and Justin are gonna die.

What am I going to do?

[CLUCKING]

Could you be
a little bit more specific?

What a lovely cranium, my dear.
Mind if I borrow it?

ZELDA [AS CHICKEN]:
Leave her alone. Sabrina, over here.

Okay, so, what am I gonna do?

ZELDA: First, we've got to figure out
how we can not be chickens anymore.

You must be Sabrina.

Everyone, I want you to meet
my great-niece, Sabrina.

Hey. That's my name too.

ZELDA: Aunt Beulah, please don't turn
Sabrina into a chicken. She's so young.

HILDA [AS CHICKEN]:
And high school's so--

Oh, no.
Something's happening to me.

- I'm laying an egg.
- Oh, that's what happened to me

when I tried to do Music Man
in dinner theatre.

Don't worry.
Nothing's going to happen to Sabrina.

This isn't an insane asylum.
It's a theme party.

ZELDA:
You mean this whole thing is a joke?

If you'd come to my last parties,
you would know.

Last year, we had a prison riot.

Excuse me.
I hate to be the only adult here,

but I have a problem with my doll.

Oh, no, I hope I didn't send you
the wrong one.

Zelda and Hilda.

Let's go.

HILDA: I know I'm a healthy alternative
to red meat, but change me back.

[MONSTER GROANING]

- Isn't this fun?
SABRINA: See what she's doing?

Oh, what's the problem?
This is the right doll.

I thought Molly would be fun
for Halloween.

No. You see, in this realm,
we don't give toys like this to children.

Fine. I'll stop her.

[CLEARS THROAT]

[SINGING]

- I'll stop terrorizing if you stop yelling.
- Deal.

Okay, guys, pack it up. Party's over.

[MONSTERS GRUNTING
AND GROANING]

[LAUGHING]

Oh, you should have seen the look
on your faces.

Great prank, huh?

Yeah, it was great.
But we were onto you.

So you guys wanna watch
the rest of the movies?

No!

Oh, honey, are you okay?

[CLUCKS]

Excuse me.

Oh, sure. It's not every day
a girl has Frankenstein, the Mummy,

a vampire, the Headless Horseman
and a werewolf on her double date.

Molly,
I didn't tell you to send a werewolf.

And I didn't.

[WOLF GROWLS]

SALEM:
I think I finally got him calmed down.

Don't make any sudden noises.

[SCREAMING]

Was it real, or wasn't it?

I know that was scary,
but don't worry, kids.

It's all behind us now.

[WOMAN SCREAMING]

Hilda, get ahold of yourself.

Ah. Thanks. I needed that.

Oh, no. We've been invited
to Aunt Beulah's Halloween party.

Aunt Beulah? I've never met her.

Huh? Ahh!

It never ends.

[SCREAMING]