06x01 - The City Kids

[bunniefuu]

(playful music)

- Yeah, Charlie,
sounds like a great idea.

How many kids you
want to send here?

Four?

Well, that's fine.

No, no, Lisa wouldn't mind.

- I wouldn't mind what?

- Having four kids.

- Could I hang up
the laundry first?

- No, I didn't mean,

Charlie, just let me
know when to expect 'em.

No, no problem, goodbye!

- Maybe it's no problem
to you and Charlie,

but I think you ought to
hear my side of the story.

It's a lucky thing
I came out here.

I would have never known
what you and Charlie had in mind.

Having four children takes
more than a telephone call.

You just don't...

- No, no, no, no, will
ya' stop blabbering now

and let me explain?

That was Charlie
Graham, from New York.

He's the head of an organization

called Kids for the Country.

- What's that?

- Well, it arranges for
underprivileged kids from the cities

to spend a vacation
in the country.

Now Charlie wants to
send four kids out here

to spend a week with us!

- Well, that's a wonderful idea!

I'll be a mother
for a whole week.

What kind of children
is he sending?

- What do you mean, what kind?

- Well, boys or girls?

- What's the difference?

- Well, the boys are
the one that shave,

and the girls are the ones
who say, you cut yourself.

- They're too young to shave.

- Then how are you
going to tell them apart?

- I'll have to rely
on their honesty.

(lively music)

♪ Green Acres is the place to be

♪ Farm living is the life for me

♪ Land spreading
out so far and wide

♪ Keep Manhattan, just
give me that countryside

♪ New York is
where I'd rather stay

♪ I get allergic smelling hay

♪ I just adore a penthouse view

♪ Darling I love you,
but give me Park Avenue

♪ The chores ♪
The stores ♪ Fresh air

♪ Times Square ♪ You are my wife

♪ Goodbye city life

♪ Green Acres, we are there

- We've got to figure
out where to put the kids.

- Well, why don't,

This isn't your shirt.

It belongs to an
executive producer.

- What?

- You were talking
about the children.

- Yeah, since there
are four of them,

maybe we...

- Look, written by, just have
one pillowcase between them.

- What are you talking about?

- The Written Bys.

- Lisa, we gotta figure out
some place for them to sleep.

- I hope that this
belongs to his wife.

I just don't know why
everybody's sending their laundry

to me this week.

When are they going to be here?

- When are who gonna be here?

- We're expecting four children.

- Gollee, then you shouldn't
be hanging up the wash.

- Look, there are
four children in the city

who are coming out to the
country to see a real farm.

- Then why are they coming here?

- Because they've never
seen a farm, or a tree,

or a cow, or corn growing.

- I never saw corn growing
until we moved out here

four years ago.

Come to think of it,
I still haven't seen it.

- Are you two through
with your sarcasm?

- Not yet, mention
your tomaters.

- Or your apples.

- Or your squash.

- Or your carrots.

- Or we succotash
the whole thing up

and make one big
sarcasm out of it.

- I'm gonna call up Charlie

and tell him not to
send the children.

- Why not?

- Because I don't
want to expose them

to whatever you two have.

It might be catching.

- Boy, what a sorehead!

- Yeah, he just
can't stand being a,

Gollee!

Mr. Bare's been
looking all over for this!

- I don't know if
Eleanor's gonna like

sharing her bedroom
with four strange kids.

- Let's not worry about Eleanor.

- Oh, that's it, forget
all she's done for you.

Those cool mornings when she
let you warm your hands on her,

- Keep working, those
kids'll be here tomorrow.

We gotta get this
place cleaned out

and then find something
for them to sleep on.

- Look no further.

- Mr. Haney.

- Okay, Melvin,
drive the truck in.

- Look, Mr. Haney,

who's driving the truck?

- Okay, Melvin,
unload the stuff.

- Yes sir, be right with ya.

- Who's that?

- Melvin Ackerman,
he's an out-of-work actor.

You've seen him in a lot of
them science fiction pictures.

- I didn't see anybody!

- Well, 'cause that's Melvin
is wearing his invisible suit

that he wore in
his last picture,

The Little Man Who Wasn't There.

Okay, Melving,
bring in the cots.

- What cots?

- The ones you ordered

for them little tykes
you're expecting.

- I didn't order
any cots from you.

- Careful with them cots,
Melvin, they're valuable antiques.

Eb, why don't you
give Melvin a hand?

- I'm not going
near him, er, it, what.

- Er, look, Mr. Haney, I...

- Where do you want this?

- Oh, Melvin, you took
off your invisible suit.

I guess he don't
want to get it dirty

in case he gets a
call from Hollywood.

- This is the most ridiculous...

- Can I have your
autograph, Mr. Melvin?

- Oh will you...

- Just put the cot
over there, Mel.

Ain't that a beauty?

- Well, it's not a beauty,
but it looks alright.

What's it gonna
cost me to rent them?

- You only pay for 'em
while you're using 'em.

$2 for the first hour

and 25 cents for
every hour thereafter.

Here, let me demonstrate.

- What's that?

- A cot-o-meter.

- A cot-o...

- It's activated by the
pressure of the body

and the ticking
sound also serves

to lull the little
ones to sleep.

- Look, Mr. Haney.

- You owe me $2 and 20 cents.

- I think your
meter is a little fast.

- You shoulda seen the taxi
dancer that used to own it.

- Uh, hey, hey, wait a minute,

before you unload any more cots,

let's get the price settled.

I'll give you $10 for
four cots for one week.

- Well...
- No, take it or leave it.

- Since it's for a good
cause, I'll take the 25.

- 10.

- Well, that's not as good a
cause as 25, but it's a deal.

Okay, Melvin, bring
in the rest of the cots.

I guess Melvin put his
invisible suit back on.

- Look, I think we ought
to get acquainted here.

You want to
introduce yourselves?

- My name's John Bennet.

- Lori Baker.

- Roy Takahashi.

- George Carlson.

- Eb Dawson.

- He's not with us!

- Don't worry about him.

That's Eb, our hired hand.

- Hi, kids!

- Now, why don't we get going.

Everybody pick up their
suitcases, that's right,

come along, darling.

- What's that?

- This is where we live.

- I thought they only
had tenements in the city.

- This is not a tenement.

- It would be, if it would
have a fire escape.

- Where do we sleep?

- In the barn, I'll show ya.

- Are you children hungry?

- Yes, ma'am.

- Not you.

- I'm starved.

- Well, I'll fix you some
lunch while you all get settled.

- Okay, kids, let's go.

- Look at the sign.

- Yes, I guess Eb
put that up for you.

- Welcome to Green Acme?

- Acres.

- He's got a reading problem.

- What's that?

- It's an eagle!

- Haha, no, that's a chicken.

Haven't you ever
seen one before?

- Not with its clothes on.

- What?

- Once they get in the
butcher shop, they're all bare.

- Somebody left an egg here.

- Yeah, that belongs to the hen.

She laid it there.

- Why didn't she eat it?

- Well, chickens don't eat eggs.

You see, she laid it there,
and she's trying to hatch it.

A little baby chick
will come out of it.

That's how chickens are born.

- I wasn't born that way.

My mother told me that...

- Er, let's go into
the barn, huh?

- What's he blushing for?

- Come in.

- Alright, this is where
you're gonna sleep.

Now everybody choose a cot.

- Mr. Douglas?

- Yes?

- I can't sleep here.

- Why not?

- Well, I'm a girl,
and they're boys.

- Oh, what's the difference?

- Boys are the ones that shave

and girls are the ones
that say, you cut yourself.

- Yeah, I've heard that.

Well, I'll tell ya, we'll fix
up a partition later on, huh?

(loud moo)

- What's that?

- It's a water buffalo.

- It is not, it's a moose!

- No, no, it's a cow.

This is where we
get our milk from.

- Where do the
bottles come out of?

- Oh, it doesn't
come out of bottles.

It comes out of the, the,

- He's blushing again.

- Would you like to
see how it works?

- [Children] Yeah!

- Alright, hand me that
bucket there, will ya', George?

Lori, could you
get me the stool?

- Is she going to sit on this?

- No, no, I am!

- Mr. Douglas, if
she gives the milk,

how come you get to sit
down and she has to stand up?

- Well, I'll show ya'.

Are you, uh, ready, Eleanor?

(moos loudly)

Alright, there we go.

(milk squirting into bucket)

- It works!

- It's some kinda trick.

- No, it isn't.

Here, come on, you try it.

Alright, now put your
hands down there.

Now pull down.

(moos loudly)

Easy, easy, work your fingers.

- She's empty.

- No, no, keep trying.

(milk squirts into bucket)

That's the stuff.

- Hey, look, I'm a milkman!

- Hey, let me try it.

(children arguing)

- No, wait, there'll be
time enough for everybody.

One at a time, here.

(moos loudly)

- Lunch is ready.

(children exclaiming excitedly)

Come on children, I
fixed you a good lunch.

- Aren't you coming,
Mr. Douglas?

- No, I've had one
of her good lunches.

- All through?

- Yeah, that's a real feed.

- I never had a sardine and
peanut butter sandwich before.

- Er, if you're well enough,

I'll take you for
a tour of the farm.

- We have to help Mrs.
Douglas with the dishes.

- Oh, that's alright,
I have a system.

See, there we are.

- Groovy!

- Like this, I can wash the
dishes and the tablecloths

at the same time.

- Come on, let's go.

You've all seen how
we grow tomatoes, huh?

Do you know what this is?

- Don't tell me.

Let me guess.

- Not you.

- It's corn.

- Right.

- Boy, he has some imagination.

- Can I pick one?

- Sure, go right ahead.

Oh, no, not that way, no.

Here, like this.

There you are.

See?

- Mr. Douglas, who's he?

- Oh, that's our scarecrow.

- His name is Wilbur.

He used to own this farm, but
he gambled away his money

and Mr. Douglas gave him a job

because he felt sorry for him.

- Will you stop
telling those wild...

- What does he do?

- Well, he scares the crows
away that come to eat the corn.

- How does he do that?

- He has a big stick
and he hits 'em.

- Oh, boy.

- Do you suppose we
could grow something?

- Well, I don't see why not.

I'll tell you what.

I'll go into Drucker's
tomorrow and get some seeds,

and then you can all
plant your own gardens.

- [Children] Yay!

- Lori, radishes.

And George, turnips.

Roy, carrots.

And, let's see,
John, beets for John.

- Mr. Douglas?

- Yeah.

- They've got the wrong
seeds in this package.

- Oh?

- It says radishes
on the package,

but they don't
taste like radishes.

- What are ya, no, no,
you're not supposed to...

- Well, looks like I got
here just in time, huh?

Teaching the kids
how to eat seeds, huh?

- Oh, come on,
I'm not teaching...

- Well, I'll take over
now, Mr. Douglas.

- Well, fine, fine.

Children, this gentleman

is from the Department
of Agriculture.

- That's right.

I am County Kimway,
your Hank agent.

No, I'm County Hank,
your Kimball agent.

Well, now that I got
that straightened out,

well, not straightened out,
still bent a little (laughs).

Anyway, I am now going to
teach you everything I know

about, er, well, not everything,

I have to save a little
something for myself (laughs).

- Is he for real?

- I'm afraid so.

- Now, the first thing
we're gonna do is,

no, that's the second thing.

The first thing is, er,
what are they doing again?

- Planting seeds.

- Oh.

Are there any other questions?

- Mr. Agent, how do the
seeds know what they are?

- Well, that's a very
intelligent question.

What was the question again?

- How do the seeds
know what they are?

Like, how do they know

whether they're a carrot
seed or a radish seed?

- That's easy, they
look at the picture

on the front of the
package they're in.

- Oh, for the love of...

- Well, I, uh, concludes
today's lesson in, er,

whatever you're doing,
and tomorrow we'll take up

on whatever we
skipped today, huh?

I thank you.

- Okay, now I'll show you
how to plant the seeds.

This is how you do it.

- Okay, now, go to
sleep, sleep tight.

Hey, where's John?

- Here I am.

- Oh, where were you?

- I went out to my garden to
see if anything's growing yet.

- Oh, no, you just
planted the thing.

They don't grow that fast.

Alright, have a nice
sleep, now, huh?

See you in the morning.

Come on, Lisa.

- Right away.

Good night, Lori.

- Good night, Mrs.
Douglas, you're real nice.

- So are you, darling.

Oliver.

(bucket clangs)

Ooh, go back to sleep, darling.

Why, what a bunch
of party poopers.

It's hardly eight o'clock and
they all wanted to go to bed.

They didn't even want to
go to the drive-in theater.

- Well, they had
a big day today,

planting and running around,

climbing trees,
all that fresh air.

- I was watching.

You'd make a marvelous father.

- Oh, thank you.

- You know, little Lori
doesn't have a father.

- Oh?

- That's very sad, because
a girl needs a father.

I was very lucky.

I had a marvelous father,
even though he was the king.

- You and your king father.

- When I was a little girl,
he let me sit on the throne

and wear a skin hat.

- Fine, fine.

- We used to play
all sorts of games,

like lock the duke
in the dungeons,

or choose the prime minister.

- What kind of a...

- Father always took
me everywhere with him,

even when he went to collect
the taxes from the pheasants.

- The pheasants?

- You know how I
got my allowance?

He used to let me dip
my hand into the tax bag,

and whatever I could
hold onto, I could keep.

- Well, that's very...

- Once I took out
more than 700 pesos.

- Pesos?

Thought you said
this was in Hungary.

- Yes, lots of the
pheasants were w*tbacks.

- Let's go to bed.

I'm gonna have a
busy day tomorrow.

- And what are you going to do?

- Well, for one thing, I'm
gonna take the kids swimming.

- Oh.

- Hello, there.

I thought you went
swimming with the boys.

- They didn't want me.

- Well, why not?

- They wanted to
go skinny-dipping.

- What's that?

- They don't wear
any bathing suits.

- Why don't we girls
do something together.

- Like what?

- Do you know
how to bake a cake?

- No, ma'am.

- Neither do I.

Well, we'll have to
think of something else.

Maybe we could take a
drive to Drucker's store

and do some shopping.

- That sounds like fun.

- Do you know how to drive?

- No.

- Well, that takes care of that.

What else would you like to do?

- I always heard that farm
women made jams and jellies.

- I heard that, too.

Would you like to do that?

- Do you know how?

- No, but I've seen jars
of jellies in the stores,

and it doesn't look too hard.

- That was fun.

- We sure did enjoy that swim.

- Achoo!

- I hope you didn't catch cold.

- Yeah, you should
have worn your trunks.

C'mon, let's see if anything's
growing in our garden.

- Yeah.

- Oh, well, fellas, there
won't be anything growing,

oh.

- Well, what's going on here?

- We're making jelly.

- Jelly?

- Yes, we were just
going to put it in the jars.

- Oh, what kind of jelly?

- Banana.

- Banana jelly?

- Well, that's the only kind
of fruit we had in the house.

- You can't make...

- This one's cooked enough.

- Yes, it's ready, there.

There's one jar ready.

- Er, even if there was
such a thing as banana jelly,

don't you think you
ought to take the bananas

out of the skins?

- Why, we followed the
recipe out of the cookbook,

How to Make Strawberry Jam,

and it didn't say to
take the strawberries

out of their skin.

- Er, but, the...

- This one's ready.

- Ooh, that's right,
there's another one.

- Uh, I'll see you later, huh.

- Where are you going?

- Well, I think I'll go
out and get a little air,

I'm feeling a little queasy.

- What does he mean?

Queasy?

- I don't know.

Let's see if another
one is ready.

- Nothing's grown.

- It's only been six days.

- But we're going home tomorrow.

- Well, the seventh
day's the lucky day.

Tomorrow, everything
will be growing.

- Lisa, why do you tell...

- Of course, you have to
do what we did in Hungary.

- What's that?

- Well, you have to
take a piece of dirt

and sleep with it
under your pillow,

and you have to wish very hard.

- I'm going to bed right now.

- Me, too.

- Lisa, why did you tell
those kids that nonsense

about sleeping with
dirt under their pillow?

- Why, you'll see
what will happen.

- The only thing that'll happen

is that they'll wake up
with an ear full of dirt.

- As my father always said,

it's always good to have
something to look forward to

when you're looking back at it.

- Tell me, didn't your
father ever say anything

that made any sense?

- Ooh, what have
you got in here?

- Jars of banana jelly.

- I thought they should have
something to eat on the train.

- Alright.

C'mon, everybody in the car.

- I don't want to go home.

- Oh, I'm sorry,
but, where's John?

- He went to see what's
growing in his garden.

- There isn't anything...

- Hey, kids, our garden grew!

- Wow, look at my turnip.

- Mr. Douglas, we're farmers.

- Lisa, did you put the...

- That dirt under the
pillow always works.

- It sure does.

Mr. Douglas, you
ought to try that.

Maybe you would
get something to grow.

- Goodbye, Mr. And Mrs. Douglas.

- Bye bye.

- Thanks so much.

I'm going to miss you.

- Oh, you come back anytime.

- Oh, of course, you come.

Goodbye, darling.

- It was the best
week I ever had.

- Oh, thank you, thank you.

- I sure will miss my garden.

- You're going to
be a great farmer.

- So long!

- We enjoyed having you here!

- Goodbye.

- Goodbye.

- Lori, why aren't
you, stop the train!

Lori, come here.

Why did you get off the train?

- Well, you said come
back again, so here I am.

- Oh, it's so good
to see you again.

Eb, take her back
to the car and...

- No, no, no, Lisa, her
parents will be waiting for her.

- She doesn't have any parents.

Just an aunt.

- Well, she...
- Can't I stay?

- Of course you can!

- No, you can't.

- Yes, she can.

- Oh, will you stay out of this.

- Well, she'll have to stay
at least until tomorrow,

because there isn't
another train today.

- Oh, alright, I'll
have to call Charlie

and tell him what happened.

- Oliver.

- Yeah.

- It's so nice having a
little girl around the house.

Why don't we keep
Lori for another week?

- No, I told Charlie she'd
be leaving tomorrow.

- Well, you could
call him and ask him

if it would be alright.

- Alright, I'll call
him in the morning.

- I am sure if you'll call,

he'll say it'll be alright if
she'll stay another month.

Isn't that how long
the school vacation is?

- No, no, it's three months.

- Well, three months
would be even better.

- Lisa, she can't...

- Oh, Oliver, she's
such a nice little girl.

And she likes you.

- Yeah, well, uh...

- You always said,
if we had children,

you would want
it to be a little girl.

- I don't need a
little girl, I got you.

- That's sweet.

Then can she stay?

- We'll see.

- Ooh, you're a good sport.

- Yeah.

Where are you going?

- I'll be right back.

- Do you promise?

- I promise.

(playful music)

This has been a Filmways
presentation, darling.