02x01 - Poppy's by the Tree Pt. 1

[bunniefuu]

* Love and marriage *

* Love and marriage *

* Go together like *

* A horse and carriage *

* This I tell ya, brother *

* You can't have one *

* Without the other *

* Love and marriage *

* Love and marriage *

* It's an institute *

* You can't disparage *

* Ask the local gentry *

* And they will say
It's elementary *

* Try, try, try
To separate them *

* It's an illusion *

* Try, try, try
And you will only come *

* To this conclusion *

* Love and marriage **

MAN ON TV: And I'd like to say
one more time, please,

please, watch
the late show on Fox.

All we want is a chance.

Is that too much to ask for?

I'm home!

No, no.
Don't mob me!

I'm just
the breadwinner.

No, don't push.

You'll all get your chance
to hug and kiss me.

Hey, Buck.

I'm home, buddy.

You shiftless,
thankless bag of--

Go on.
Get off.

Hey, where'd you get these?

We don't keep any food
in the house.

Al, I brought
you some ribs.

I kept them in the bag
so they could soak

in the grease
just like you like them.

Al, you eat
like an animal.

I didn't do this.

Oh, you're going
to blame it on Buck?

Well, look,
he's not even hungry.

His bowl is still full.

Hey, beef!

Give it here.
It's Buck's, Al.

Now listen,
you're always complaining

I don't get you food,
so I got you ribs.

Now I want you
to do something for me

you've been promising
for a long time.

What's that you say, Peg?

I'm sorry, it's just
this darn headache.

Not that.

I meant something that would
require movement on your part.

I want you to fix
the back fence.

Wait a second, Peg,
why should I have to fix it?

It wasn't me who said

"Let's get a picture
of your mother

leaning up
against the fence."

It wasn't meant to support
a -pound woman

with a keg under
each arm.

It made a nice picture, Al.

Now, look, the kids are getting
old enough to realize

that it is not really
your part-time job

to sit on the couch and test
the weight of beer cans.

And now you won't
even fix the fence.

What kind of an example
is that for them?

Well, if we're
an example to the kids,

Bud will grow up and get a job
that will slowly k*ll him.

And Kelly, well she'll
grow up to believe

that a two-income family
is a house with two husbands.

Now don't start with that
"I don't do anything crap,"

I take care
of your children.

Mom, where's my socks?

Honey, there's probably
a pair in the hamper.

Anyhow, Al, that hole
is not only an eyesore,

but, I mean, what about Buck?

He could climb through,
and we'd never see him again.

Oh, that's
a real danger, Peg.

Watch this.

Buck!
Come here, boy!

Come on, Buck!

Freedom, boy!

Go!
Go, Buck!

He's got about as much chance
of finding his way

out of this house
as you do.

It's not just Buck getting out.

Other dogs are getting in.

And they're using our yard
as a public rest room.

All right.
All right!

I'll fix it tomorrow.

Thanks, Al.

Can I get you
an aspirin?

I don't have a headache.

Well, good.

Then that brings us
to another little chore

our handyman's
been neglecting.

Oh, gee, you better
bring me three, Peg.

Ah, I guess I better get rid of
all the dirty work at one time.

I'll do it after
I fix the fence.

Ohh...

It's been two months, Al.

When are you gonna
fix the fence?

Tomorrow, Peg.

And that other thing
we talked about?

Tomorrow, Peg.

We're getting complaints
from the neighbors.

What?

Are we bringing down
the block's average?

We'd bring down the average
at a nursing home.

Look, I'm talking
about the fence.

Remember how you said Buck
couldn't find his way out.

Well, he found his way out

and he has knocked up
every dog in the neighborhood.

That's ridiculous, Peg.

He's a lifeless lump.

We had two kids.

Then my work is done.

Well, I'm sure he
didn't learn anything from you,

but they're blaming
us anyway.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

I still can't believe it.

How could that be?

He tips over
when he lifts his leg.

Mr. Pittman.

My dog's been soiled, Bundy.

I demand satisfaction.

Me too.
Good luck.

What are you talking about,
Pittman?

My dog happens to be
a champion, purebred poodle.

I was saving her
to be mated

with the well-known
champion Zeus of Olympus.

But what do I find
this morning when I come down

to give my dog
her eyedrops?

I find that...beast.

With my champion
dowager Duchess of Kankakee.

I had her tested, Bundy.

She's impregnated.

And now she's going to have
stupid, ugly puppies.

I was going to make a lot
of money off a proper mating.

That sort of makes you a dog
pimp, doesn't it, Pittman?

And it also sort
of makes you

the defendant in a lawsuit,
doesn't it, Bundy?

You're slapping my dog
with a paternity suit?

You must be out
of your mind.

Al, you're not going
to believe what just happened.

I just delivered
a litter of puppies.

The mother was under our house
undergoing a difficult labor,

but luckily,
Steve took charge.

The puppies are very cute,
but they seem awfully stupid.

The wonder dog strikes again,
eh, Bundy?

What's going on?

Buck Bundy
impregnated my dog.

Ohh...

He's probably
getting out

through that hole
in the fence, Al.

You know, as I was
under our house,

witnessing the miracle
of birth,

it occurred to me
this whole despicable episode

could have been avoided

if owners would only have
their pets spayed or neutered.

Well, that's an idea, Al.

We could spay
or neuter Buck.

Not a chance. Look, I'll just
fix the fence, okay?

Oh, I don't think that'll
help much, Al.

You know what they say--

How you gonna keep
them down on the farm

after they've poked Paris?

You'll be hearing
from my lawyer.

Oh, now,
Mr. Pittman, uh...

Look, how about this?

If Al gets his dog neutered,
will you forget about a lawsuit?

Well, Looking around, it doesn't
look like I could get much.

Looks like you've
already been sued by life.

All right,
I'll accept those terms.

But, Bundy, I don't want
your stupid dog

around my poodle
ever again.

And while we're
on the subject,

keep your daughter
away from my son.

Well, she was probably
just lending him a dress.

Well, I guess
that goes to show you

what can happen when
you use a little diplomacy.

What a day, huh?

I delivered a litter
of puppies

and still had time
to save your bacon.

Brewskies, all around.

Well, Steve, what can I say,
except I wish you were dead?

That's just Al's way of saying

thanks for saving us
hundreds of dollars

that would've taken
Al thousands of years to make.

You're welcome.

You're not. And I'm not
neutering my dog!

That's the way God made him,
and that's how he's staying.

Al, he's climbing over every dog
in the neighborhood.

Why, because Pittman says so?

How does he know?

The spells sex - - .

Now, look,
we all know Buck.

Remember the time we had to pull
his head out of his water dish

to keep him from drowning?

He was only two, honey.

Oh, please, the dog
isn't capable of thought,

much less reproduction.

I don't care what
anybody says,

Buck is innocent
until proven guilty.

Dad, the dogs
are in your bedroom.

Well-- Do something!

* When a man loves a woman *

* Can't keep his mind
On nothing else... **

Well, the dogs are gone.

There was a line at the gate
too, but I got rid of them.

Where were we?

We were neutering the dog, Al.

Oh, but honey,
before you take him down,

could you ask him
for a few pointers?

Well, one thing that seems
to work for him was

there was no one
lying there

yelling a bunch
of instructions at him.

Well, you obviously didn't pay
attention to those charts

I put up in the bathroom.

Well, I thought that meant,
put the clothes in the hamper.

You been missing
that too, Al.

Uh, guys, please.

Uh, look, Al, why don't you
just take him down,

get him neutered
and be done with it?

Because I'm not
neutering him.

Oh, come on, Al.

It is no big thing.

Al, you'll really
be doing him a favor.

I read that neutered dogs
live longer, they're calmer,

and they're
more affectionate.

Makes them more
affectionate, huh?

He won't even notice
after a while.

Believer me, Marce,

it's the kind of thing
a guy would notice.

Oh, come on, Al.

It's a simple,
painless operation.

I bought a male dog
because I wanted a male dog.

He'll still be
a male dog.

No, he won't be a male dog,
he'll be a thing.

Like a...
like a girl.

Listen, Al.

Let's be practical.

Mr. Pittman won't sue
if we have Buck neutered.

And if the court
is gonna award anyone

what's left of your money,
it's going to be me.

Here, here!

Come on, Peggy,

I'll get you the numbers
of a couple of veterinarians

we met at our animal
rights group.

Oh, and while
you're there.

You've got to see
my new fox jacket.

Well, are you happy now,
Dr. Hack-em-off?

Come on, Al.

Deep down, you know it's
the best thing for him.

You're making this sound
a lot more gruesome than it is.

Oh, really, Steve?

Why are your legs crossed?

They're not.

You know, I can't believe you're
not with me on this, Steve.

I mean, you, me,
and Buck-- We're guys.

We were put on this
earth to roam,

to conquer...
to rule.

Then we got married,
so it's over for us.

But Buck--
he's in his prime.

Look at him, Steve.

You can't tell me
you're not a little envious.

He's got the life.

A new bitch every night--

Doesn't have to take
them to dinner,

he doesn't have
to dress up,

he doesn't have
to take a bath,

and best of all, they're not
there in the morning.

Just woof, woof,
thank you, ma'am.

Think about it, Steve.

Well, I really
don't mind bathing, Al.

Other than that, he's everything
I've ever wanted to be.

Then be like me, Steve.

Live through him.

You saw that little
poodle he was with?

How was she?

What am I saying?
This is a dog.

Marcie suggested this vet
that's not too far from us.

And guess what, Al--
She's a woman.

Of course. What does she do,
nag him till they drop off?

Al, there is a stupid,
ugly puppy sale going on

in every house
on the block.

They know it's Buck.

Wait a second, Peg.

So it's all Buck's fault, huh?

If these neighbors
don't want anymore puppies,

let them spay
their dogs.

Oh, that is so typically male.

Birth control is always
the woman's responsibility.

They have the babies.

God, you're a pig.

Well, it may surprise you, Al,

but some feel that
responsibility

should be shared
equally.

Right, Steve?

Right, dear.

And some men even feel it's
their duty to assume the role

of family planner.

Right, Steve?
Right, dear.

And after we have our
little boy and little girl,

Steve's gonna have
a vasectomy.

Right, Steve?

Steve is going
to have what, dear?

You know, Steve.

Like Buck.
You'll live longer.

You'll be calmer.

Shut up, Al.

Uh, dear...

We never talked about
doing anything to, uh,

Mr. Mike.

Sure we did, Steve.

We said once we had our
two children, we'd stop.

I guess I read "stop" a little
differently than you did.

Just how did you
read it, Steve?

You're no better
than Al.

Now, now, there
is no need for insults.

Look, Marcie, all you
have to do is take a pill.

The pill could be
dangerous, Steve.

So could I, if you try
rewire my plumbing.

This is just great.

Buck's keeping his,
and Steve's losing his.

Buck is not
keeping his.

And Steve is not
losing his.

Well, we'll see
about that.

Come on, Steve,
we'll talk about this at home.

I can't believe you,

it's just a simple
little operation.

Yeah, what if there's a slip?

What if there's an earthquake?

What if the doctor gets hiccups,
then where will I be, huh?

Standing outside a harem door
in a diaper, that's where.

He'll have it done.

Anyway, honey, I'm gonna
make an appointment for you

and Buck tomorrow at .

Wait a minute, Peg, we're
going about this all wrong.

It's not up to you.
It's not up to me.

It's Bud's dog.

Now you tell him we're
neutering his dog,

and let him make
the decision.

Bud, come down here!

What, Dad?

Honey, is it all right
if we neuter your dog?

Sure.

Aw, Peg...

Tomorrow at , Al.

Look at him.

He knows.

I've been looking
at him for three years.

He knows nothing.

That's not true, Peg.

A hundred she-dogs
can't be wrong.

He knows one thing.

Well, I'm going up
to bed.

Oh, and speaking
of that one thing,

you want to come up
and join me?

In a little while, Peg.

I want to spend
the last night with my...

entire dog.

There's a woman for you.

All day long, it's hack-em-off,
hack-em-off, hack-em-off.

As soon as the sun goes down,
it's "Here, boy!",

"Here, boy!", "Here, boy!"

Listen, Buck, I tried, huh?

You know I tried.

You understand, huh?

Ahh...

I'm home, everybody!

No, thank you.

I don't need anything.

Buck!

Come here, boy!

Hey, that looks good.

Got one for me?

Still mad because I got you
neutered, huh?

What, do you want me
to dance for joy?

Bring your pipe
and slippers,

roll over so you can rub
my belly and see my shame?

You know,
I thought you were

supposed to be more
affectionate.

Yeah, right.

Why don't you poke my eyes out,
maybe that'd do it.

[DOG BARKING]

Yeah?
Not this year, honey.

Aw, come on, Buck.

You can't just sit around
feeling sorry for yourself.

Hey, what do you say
we go for a walk.

I hear they painted
the big hydrant

at the end
of the corner.

Nah.

A lot of the male dogs
hang out there.

All right,
let's clear the air here.

This was for
your own good.

Oh, thank you master.

You know, my head is a great
source of pleasure to me too.

How about cutting it off?

Come on, Buck. Don't you think
I feel bad enough?

No.

What can I do to make
it up to you?

I know, how about
a shiny new collar?

Oh, yeah!

That's much better
than what I had before.

Gee, how about one
with studs?

You know,
to impress the ladies.

That is, before they find out
I'm a eunuch!

Come on, boy.

Keep your hands off me.

Getting a little testy,
aren't you boy?

Grr.

Well, Bundy...

I guess you're pretty
darn proud of yourself, huh?

Aw, come on, Buck,
I tried to stop this.

You might have
tried a little harder.

I know, why don't
we do something

to get your mind
off it.

Hey, you want to watch
the Bears game?

Oh, I don't know.

I'm not much
into sports anymore.

How about taking me
to a Peter Allen concert?

Oh, what have I done?

Oh, Buck, I didn't want
this to happen.

I know you didn't, Bundy.

That's what makes it
even harder to swallow.

Ah, what's the difference?

I'm sick of the sight of you.

Where are you going?

Oh, I guess I'll go out and...

sniff a few butts
for old times' sake.

Hi.

We're insane K*llers.

Sic 'em, Buck!

Heh, heh.

Buck!
Oh, Buck!

Extra yummies!

Aah!

Well, today's the day.

Do I have to, Peg?

Oh, honey, everybody says this
is the best thing for Buck.

We've had all the arguments

and there is not one good
reason not to do this.

He knows, Peg.

Look how he's
looking at me.

He's looking at me, Al,

and he's thinking what everybody
who looks at me thinks--

That poor woman.

Just take him down.

I'll go get his leash.

BUCK:
You know what you have to do.

You look real nice today, Peg.

Thanks, Al.

Want to go upstairs?

For what?

It, Peg.

I'm in the mood.

Let's go.

You can always
take Buck next weekend.

That is, unless you're...

busy next weekend.

Go on upstairs, Peg.
I'll be right up.

Oh...

You owe me big.

[***]