01x01 - Patriarchy

[bunniefuu]

I am not the person
you think I am.

That's what you people can't understand.

I am not a bitch.

I am not aggressively plotting
to make our mother feel bad.

Then why are you at a hotel?

Because, Sarah, the show is putting me
up, and it's gonna be a gorgeous room.

Then call Mom and tell her.

You call Mom and tell her that.

I talk to Mom every day. You guys
have hardly spoken in two years.

- Give me that!
- Stop it, Cooper!

Joe, could you take care
of Heckle and Jeckle?

Yep. Sure.

How is Joe, by the way?
Things any better?

We decided to do that thing
I was telling you about.

- Oh, counseling?
- Yeah. Kitty, just call her.

She knows I'm coming.
She could've called.

I don't have time.

Jonathan's gonna be here any second,
and I haven't started my Cornish hens.

- You're cooking Cornish hens?
- Yeah. Why?

What am I gonna do, Kevin?
Help me.

Any chance you may have garlic,
pasta, frozen peas and chicken broth?

No peas. But, oh, I do have a little
sage left over from the dead chickens.

You can have a delicious meal
ready in ten minutes

that anyone in Milan would die for.
And that was too gay a sentence,

even for me.
Now, about our dear mother.

I'm not calling her.

Remember, Kevin, it's my birthday.
She has to be nice.

- Hi, mister.
- Oh, you have the kitchen crisis face.

- Oh, is it that obvious?
- That and the billowing smoke.

Oh, whoa! Kids!
I'm still on the phone here!

Sorry. It's Kevin.

Go have your lurid, hot sex date
with your gorgeous boyfriend,

- and I'll take care of Mom.
- Don't take care of Mom.

Do you want me to call her
and make a case?

A case for what?

I have a right
of safe return, Kevin, to LA.

It's guaranteed in the Constitution.
If you wanna do me a favor,

tell the rest of the family
not to call me

so I can have my lurid,
hot sex date with my...

...gorgeous boyfriend.

Is that what this is?

Yeah.

Good, 'cause I just saw dinner.

No. Don't... don't stop.

I wasn't going to.

Oh, God! God! I'm gonna k*ll them!

- Which one?
- All of them.

- Kitty.
- Tommy.

You want me to pick you up
from the airport tomorrow?

Can you hold on a sec?

God!

Hello, Justin.

I'll pick you up.
Don't listen to Tommy.

Where are you?

I'm at Zuma. I'm with Tommy now.
He's being a total asshat.

You guys are both being asshats.
Didn't Kevin tell you not to call?

Tommy, thank you for the offer.
Justin, I will see you at the airport.

Goodbye.

I'm sorry. It's my family.

I'm sorry,
it hasn't been a very romantic farewell.

Well, it's only farewell for a few days,
unless you get that TV job.

- I love you.
- I love you too.

Kitty! Kitty!

Oh, my God.
Oh, my God, you're actually here.

It's a miracle.
I can hardly believe it myself.

You are unreliable,
and you are very skinny.

Justin, really! What is that?

- So you didn't bring Jonathan?
- No. No.

I didn't want Dad to challenge him
to a boxing match or a horse race.

God, I'd love to see that.

All right, let's get some food.

You can feed me and interrogate me
at the same time.

So are you really gonna be saying
pompously relevant stuff on TV?

Well, they need someone
young-ish from the right.

So has Mom said anything at all?

Uh... no, aside from calling you
the young Margaret Thatcher.

Better her than Eva Braun.

I have my flak jacket
for when you two get into it.

So you want, like,
a burger or something?

Yes, uh, quickly,

but I'm under strict instructions
not to, uh... well, not to get high.

Oh, yeah. How is that going?

We'll see.

And then I gotta take you to the hotel.

And is there any way you can get
from the hotel to the house on your own

because?

Because what?
You have to pick up a girl?

- Yeah. Guilty.
- You still going to that vets group?

Yeah, I go sometimes.

There's this one just for guys
who were in Afghanistan like me.

- Does it help?
- Yeah.

Half the time it's good to know other
guys are going through things I am,

and the other half of the time,
it's just lame.

- Who's the girl?
- Her name is Fawn,

and she's unbelievably hot.

Ah, you don't wanna be there
when I see Mom.

That too.

- Hey, Daddy.
- Hello, princess.

Look at you.

You're, like... almost all grown up.

Oh, I know it.

- Damn it. How's Mom? Is she here?
- Um...

- Someplace.
- Yes. Yes.

Of course I'm here, Kitty.

Hi, Mom.

Oh! You look wonderful.
Just wonderful.

- Thanks.
- You could use a little sun.

Maybe some raisins or something.

How's the hotel?

- Fine.
- Good, good.

- Raisins?
- Well...

Yeah, I saw that show
you're meeting on.

You hate it, right?
More yelling about politics?

Who says they gotta yell?

Well, it's complicated, Dad.
I don't think I'm TV-ready.

Oh, don't be so sure.

Bet on yourself, honey.

Never forget. Bet on yourself.

Oh, God, look at you all.
Kitty's getting you drunk already.

No, no, no, no.
They're getting me drunk already.

Hey, hey, hey!

No manhandling.
Somebody's gonna get hurt.

Oh, Mr. Uncle Saul.

Don't you "Mr. Uncle Saul" me.
I heard you on the radio.

You are wrong about immigration.
Closed borders?

God help us. No, please.
The lefties are starting.

Come here!

So gorgeous! I love you.

Tommy, I'm gonna steal away
with your wife.

- How's work?
- I'm with six-year-olds,

teaching about the perils
of first grade.

Margarita.

Mom, Kitty, Tommy.
Everyone, this is Fawn.

Fawn, this is Mom, Kitty and Tommy.

Mom, Fawn is the girl in the commercial
on the beach in the sand making love.

If you use their perfume, you get rich.
Guess what, Mama. You also get Fawn.

- Justin.
- Swimming, folks.

I'm not gonna do her on the island
in the guacamole. Or am I?

Come on, man, I'm your lawyer,
not your... nurse.

- Wayne, I'll call you back.
- Kevin, Fawn. Fawn, Kevin.

If you ever get arrested again,
Kevin's your guy!

Come on. Let's go swimming.

They dropped the charges.

Great. "Arrested again"?

Who is he dating now,
Squeaky Fromme?

Hello, mistress of the airwaves.

- Did he get a job yet?
- Just lay off of him tonight, OK?

Mom, you realize he's loaded, right?

And go!

- Hey, kid.
- Hey, Dad.

We need to talk about work,
get you back on track.

Come to my office tomorrow, noon.

And get some coffee
before you embarrass yourself.

Thank you.

Who is that?

- She's with Justin.
- Nice rack.

OK, so, what's the deal?
What's up with this, uh, counseling?

Oh, how to put it?
Two little kids.

And we have Gabe three nights a week.

Too much management,
so little touching.

So little touching.

You know, I hear
that even if you're not in the mood,

if you start
and just let it happen

that something'll kick in.

- Yeah?
- That's what you're supposed to do.

Yeah. Maybe.

You know, I thought when I quit
my old job that I would gain in time

what I lost in salary.

Being a working mom, it's like being
a currency that never has enough value.

Oh, my God, I'm gonna steal that line.

Plus, it's not easy having two parents
who've had this absurd, iconic romance.

I know. They're so Ron and Nancy.

Who made you this way?

You OK, Mom? Need help?

Why don't you ever bring anyone home?
We're not ashamed of...

Mom. We've had this conversation.
OK? There's no issue. I work a lot.

It's hard to meet guys.

Don't start with me
because you won't fight with Kitty.

If you two just got it out,
what... OK.

- Hey.
- Hey.

Oh.

Oh. That's right, "Oh. "

Now stop avoiding each other and talk.

OK.

So isn't this nice?
Here we all are.

It's been so long.
Oh, I should have put these napkins out.

- Nora.
- Mom, you know...

Hello.

Hold on a second.

We probably have a lot to say
to each other, right?

You know what, Kitty?
We really don't.

Really, we don't.

You don't want to talk? Really?

What kind of a relationship is that?

It's the only kind
we can have right now.

Your father is watching us,
and it is so important to him.

Could... we hug or something?

Thank you.

What the hell you doing calling my home?
You outta your mind?

- Tommy, you wanna do something?
- I'm having a beer.

- Come over here and join me.
- Such a relief when they're asleep.

- Kids?
- No, the folks.

You know, they actually
seem really great.

Does anybody wanna go out?

There is this great bar in Chinatown
we can tear up.

Do they allow people with jobs?

Or just unemployed hipsters
who know every episode of Scooby?

No, it's also a favorite
of Gen-Y veterans from foreign wars.

- Uh, you?
- No. I'm on New York time.

- All right. Ciao, everyone.
- Good night, sweetheart.

- I love you.
- Bye. Thanks.

Bye.

You guys are all really nice.

Obviously, I'm worried.

You know, I keep telling you guys,
he's OK. He's just finding himself.

Yeah, I think so too.

I mean, you all do
the Walker Watch on him.

- Anybody'd get spooked.
- He's right.

- That's why I don't live here.
- If you did,

you'd have more control
over what's said about you.

Do you think I care...
What do you say about me?

You're fat.

So you and Mother.
Not a disaster, right?

Well, maybe she's planning
on a sneak att*ck for later.

I'm surprised you didn't bring
your muscle. What's up with Jonathan?

- Anything you want to tell us?
- No.

- Sarah, what did you tell 'em?
- Nothing.

No, no. No, nothing.
No, we like him.

Oh. But?

But it's you with him
I'm not over the moon about.

You seem slightly,
I don't know, smaller

to accommodate what you see
as his very large presence.

He's a little self-involved is all.

Oh, that is so not true.

When we had dinner in New York,
he chose the restaurant, the wine.

- I was like, "Where's Kitty?"
- That is absolutely not true.

Maybe it's just part of the whole
conservative anti-feminist thing,

to put yourself
in some sort of second place?

You're gonna have to get over
thinking that my politics

are just poses geared to annoy you.

It's not really our place.
If Kitty's happy...

Look, not at all. I can't keep a guy.
Joe and Sarah are in counseling.

- Whole family's whacked.
- What?

Oh, that's great! That's great.
I told one person! Kitty!

Forget about Jonathan and the fact you
think I'm some little zombie with him.

I am sick of the cracks
about my political beliefs.

I am a conservative.

Tough on crime, big on defense,
America first, old-fashioned

- and in your face.
- I'm with you there.

And if you think this is funny, great.
I'm glad to be of comic service.

But you keep on laughing and watch
the rest of the country pass you by.

You set her off, Kevin.

Yeah, you set me off, Kevin!

Hey, I'm sorry about
the counseling thing.

- I really only told Kitty.
- Forget it.

I am immune to your family by now.

Good night, babe.

Good night.

Good morning, Ojai Food.

Mr. Walker.

I kind of like this one.
Not sure about the apple, though.

It's a peach.

- Hey, guys.
- The new labels.

I wish I had more, but I can't
seem to get my designers paid.

Saul's in charge of accounting.
Deal with him.

- I'll go hound him again.
- Tommy, how are things up in Ojai?

Overtime glitch.
It's all fine. I took care of it.

Good.

Jonathan.
What are you?

Oh, my God. That suit.
You look like a penguin in the Sahara.

What are you doing here?

A little birthday present.

I figured you needed
vacation time after all this.

- I booked us a suite on Lanai.
- What?

I have to get back
and do the radio show.

You got a lot of time-off due.

Oh, OK. Wow. Um...

I guess it's that I'm focused
on this interview tomorrow.

We don't have to go.
We'll go back to New York.

No. No, it's great.

I got us a suite.
I'll have somebody move your bags up.

Oh, OK.

Red flags go up.

I get a call, workers at your ranch
complaining about overtime payments

- and red flags go up. What can I say?
- They were paid. You were called off.

You've no reason to be here
other than showboating.

- I resent that. This is the third time.
- Whoa, whoa.

- This happened before?
- A mistake. That's all.

Bookkeeping. OK?
We're trying to modernize.

OK.

In the future, if you have a problem,
please call me. Any time.

Thank you.

Don't look at me.

Three times, Saul?
What's going on?

Sarah, darling,
I'm trying to streamline our billing.

My books are on one system,
the bank's are on another.

It's fine. It's gonna be fine.

Oh, crap.

This is not deliberate, Holly.

Oh, please, William.

This... You're handling me
as if I am a problem.

That's how you're behaving.

I have been calling here all week,
and you won't talk to me.

I have expenses.
I have bills to pay.

Holly, I'm having cash problems. I...

It's my son.
Can we talk about this later?

You're late.

- Is everything all right?
- There's a job. A restaurant.

I made a call. The boys at Musso's
are expecting you tomorrow.

Sorry, but you developed the line...

- For grown-ups. Looks like kiddy cr*ck.
- Family branding, it's called.

Have they seen the stats
on childhood obesity?

We'll get k*lled
for pushing liquid candy.

Caffeinated liquid candy.
And it's not "us" anymore,

because you abandoned me, remember?
You quit.

Apparently just in time.

I'll get them to take
another pass at it.

I just wanted to make sure
I wasn't crazy.

You know you're not.

So, uh... is it better with your job

with your father?

Are you spending more time at home?

Almost. Sometimes.

And Joe? Things better?

Yeah. Yeah, things are good.

I should probably get going.

You know, it's not a betrayal
to talk about it. I'm your friend.

Yeah, so we keep saying.

- It's good to see you.
- Yeah. It's just...

You didn't leave because of us?
Something that might have happened?

I mean, I would...

- I would hate to think that.
- No.

Not at all.

And we have lives. Families.

We knew where the line was.

Right. That's right.

OK.

Blue chair's here.
Moderator, white chair, is here.

And then this is you.

Oh, we have an amazing print campaign
to announce your arrival.

Oh, no. Oh, God.

What "oh, no"?
The poster's my closer.

It's just that I've seen the show,
and, for me,

politics is not about show business.

Well, I'm very passionate
about my views.

And what makes you think
we don't want that?

Well, the fact is, is that radio,
it works for me.

I mouth off and go to the movies
and I'm not out there.

In other words,
you can hide in satellite radio.

Peek out just enough
to not make a difference.

I mean, seriously,
if we're talking about passion,

we give you a national profile.

That comes with risk

and an uncomfortable level of exposure
for someone like you,

but the question is, is how much
do you believe in what you're saying?

And how much do you want people
to hear you?

- Oh, sorry.
- No, no, no. Hold up.

I want you to meet Kitty Walker.

Warren Salter, our blue chair guy.

- Nice to meet you.
- Hi. Nice to meet you.

Red hot. Wow. So I get blue...

Oh, don't even go there.

- I've heard your work.
- I've seen yours.

So you know I can be very mean.

I can do mean.

Could be fun.

Well, see how great you two are together
already? Come on. It's insane.

- Pleasure to meet you.
- Nice to meet you.

What are you doing in Saul's office?

He'll go bananas,
like a fierce little old...

- Come here.
- What?

It's just that there was all these
accounts, stuff I've never seen before.

- And they're locked.
- Locked?

Yeah. It's not cool, Tom.

This is a family business.
There shouldn't be any secrets here.

What is all this?

These accounts.
Why are they locked?

What are you doing?

Sarah, I move money around.

That's what I do.
Nobody's ever had a question.

OK, but I do.

Why don't you open them up
and you can walk us through it.

- Right now?
- Yeah.

No, that's impossible.

I don't like what's going on here.

The two of you,
barging in here with this agenda.

You have obviously violated my trust,
not to mention my office.

- No. Not at all.
- Why not just include us? Please!

I have a meeting
with our Napa Valley suppliers,

and frankly, I think that's a lot more
interesting and a lot more important

than doing this tap dance
with you kids.

Saul, this company
has a serious cash flow problem.

And we need to know why.

And let me be very clear about this:
I won't be scolded,

and I won't be handled
or spoken to like I'm a child.

So the next time that you have
an impulse to talk to me like that,

please, take a b*at
and reconsider. OK?

Hey, kid.

- I ordered you a martini.
- Oh.

- You look happy.
- I know.

I don't know, I just...

Well, I didn't expect them to be smart.

Wow. So you're actually
considering this?

It's crazy to even think about it, but
it's, like, millions of people watching.

Oh, I see.

What do you see?
I haven't even said anything yet.

But there's no reason, hypothetically,
why you couldn't relocate to LA,

if the show was a success.

I mean, not that it would be,
because politics, it's just...

Well, at the end of the day,
there's nothing to make it sexy,

because it's...

Jonathan.

Of course they're gonna want you.

Of course they're gonna
make it appealing.

But I think maybe there's a better job.

Stay in New York.
Start a family with me.

I thought you needed
time to think about it.

I am thinking about it.
Don't get too excited, big boy.

You haven't closed the deal yet.

It's looking good, isn't it?

The thing is...

...is I'm really thinking
about this job.

Oh.

I mean, what if it is worth it?

I mean, what if I can
really make a difference?

By being an : smartass on TV?

Wow.

- OK.
- Look, I just know what we have.

And I don't wanna lose that
to this... media thing.

I've seen what happens to people.

Correct me if I'm wrong,

but this kind of sounds like
an either-or.

I see our life together in New York.

That's just the way I see it.

Oh, yeah. Jose!

Thank you.

How is it that everyone
in this town knows you?

- Hey, Mr. Walker, how you doing?
- Well...

...been around long enough.

So... not that I don't
appreciate a free lunch, darling...

Dad, something's not right.
With the company.

I can't generate new business
without startup funds.

We supposedly have it,
so how come I can't get a dime?

- I'll talk to Saul.
- I already did.

Dad, I found some things.
Some locked accounts.

I mean, if something was wrong,
you would tell me, right?

You'll have to promise me you
won't talk to your mother about this.

Of course.

Saul is having some kind of...

His management of financial matters...

He's failing.

Failing? You mean like
he's losing his faculties?

I'm not sure.
He's been extremely secretive.

I can't get a straight answer.

- Did he lock you out of the files too?
- He did.

- Dad.
- It's my mistake.

I let it go on too long.
But he's family.

Monday, I'll talk to him.
If he doesn't give me an answer...

...I'll do what I have to do.

No, Saul, no more time.

We need to have something
that makes sense. Monday.

William? William.

Kitty and Jonathan are here.
They're early.

OK.

So I'm sorry if we were a little early.

Things got a little tense at the hotel.

That happens. Small spaces.

Well, it's more that
he wants to get married.

He does? Well, that's great. Isn't it?

Well, I'm actually
a little more interested in this job

- than I thought I would be.
- Right.

Well, I'm sure you'll
make the right decision.

You don't have an opinion, Mom?

Oh, Kitty, please. Please
don't push me. I'm trying so hard.

Well, I see that.

I see you bending over backwards
to be polite.

If you want my opinion if you
should marry a man I barely know...

Well, it was your choice.

You're the one who refused to be in my
life for three years, who barely spoke.

It's because I unforgivably
gave my opinion about Justin.

Not refused. Couldn't.

I was afraid of the things
I didn't want to say.

Well, let's just say it.
That I sent Justin to w*r.

I put him on the front lines.
That's reductive. Ridiculous.

He trusted you. He asked you.
And you said to him that he...

I told him what I would tell him today.
That I was proud of him.

I was there.

I was right there. I was in New York.
Six blocks from where the towers fell.

I know where you were, Kitty.
You're my child.

I was terrified for you.
I was on the phone with you.

And then, I was terrified for him.

Day after day after day.

You have no idea...
what it's like for a mother.

You have no idea.

And then you don't think
about that when you go on the air

and you sell your views.

Now you'll do it on national television.
Kitty, that's just great. Really great.

No, Mom.

This is not just about my politics.

Tommy and Dad
think the same things I do,

and you've managed to reconcile
years of loving somebody

who fundamentally disagrees with you.

But you can't love me.

And I don't know what it's about.

But it's not about the w*r.

Hey, can I ask you a question?

No, you can't borrow my surfboard,
no, I don't have any money to lend you,

and yes,
girls still think you're cute.

I'm kidding. What?

So, Dad, right? I'm at the office
the other day and I saw something.

Yeah? What?

No, it's just this blond lady
he was, like, talking to at the office.

- Around lunchtime, yesterday?
- Yeah.

Her name's Holly Harper.
She and Dad have been friends for years.

- So there's nothing going on?
- No, no, no.

They've been friends a long time.
I would know if anything was going on.

I work with him.
You're tripping.

I'm a moron.

- Thanks, sweetie.
- You're welcome.

- So did Kitty and Mom have a...
- Fight? Yes. Drop it.

All right, listen up. A toast.

To the birthday girl. Kitty.
My beautiful girl.

With you home, the circle is complete.

We're all here together.

And I must announce,
with some trepidation,

you're no longer grounded.

When she was
she was grounded indefinitely.

What for?

Something to do
with cigarettes and surf wax.

And shoplifting and a boy named Pablo.

- Pablo.
- Pablo!

I forgot about Pablo.

Who's Pablo?

A name I never wanna hear again.

To my little sister, Kitty.

Who at age seven
ate all my Girl Scout cookies,

preventing me from winning
a trip to space camp,

which completely destroyed
my dream of becoming an astronaut.

- To Kitty-Cat.
- To Kitty,

because of whom, I am always invited
to join the Log Cabin Republicans.

Oh, you know what? You should.
They're great. They love me.

To my big sister Kitty who taught me
how to surf and how to kiss.

That is so not true. Justin,
stop telling that story. It's not...

My dear.

Uh...

Well, to Kitty.

Who I will probably always
violently disagree with, but...

who I've never stopped loving.

Not for one moment of her years.

- Happy birthday, baby.
- Hear, hear.

- Cheers.
- Cheers.

Cheers. Happy birthday.

Thank you.

I think you should take that job
if you want it.

I think I do.

We fight.

We fight.

It's not the end of the world.

Just come home.

Planet light is steady.

The light from stars always twinkles.

I didn't know that.

That's wonderful, Paige.

What did you get her?

I didn't get her anything.

- You and Jack take care of that thing?
- What is it?

- What was Betty's last name?
- Jessicel.

She was a hottie.

I've always liked him,
if it means anything.

- Would You Rather?
- Yes! Come on.

- Do not mess with silver tongue.
- We won't play that disgusting game.

It's just fun.

It's work.

Hey, Gladys.

You didn't get it?
I sent it through.

OK. Let me check my mail.

I'll show you Cygnus the Swan.

It's over there.

Oh, yeah. Right...

Right there.

Yeah.

The head of the swan
is a star called Albireo.

Albireo. OK.

No. It's fine. I have a computer here.
It'll just take me a sec.

OK.

Gladys, I'll call you back.

Pension fund.

Where's all the money?

Oh, God.

Dad, what've you done?

Mars is my favorite planet.

It reminds me of you, Grandpa.

- Why is that?
- He was the god of w*r.

He was a warrior.

That's me all right, god of w*r.

- Has anyone seen Dad?
- Outside with Paige.

- Come on.
- You ready for this?

Would you rather have a railroad spike
permanently in your head

or take public transportation
for the rest of your life?

Oh, the spike. Definitely.

- Jonathan.
- All the questions cannot be for him.

Oh, come on.
Just getting to know him.

All right, everybody! Cake time!

- And there's Venus.
- Uh, get your grandmother, darlin'.

- Grandpa?
- Get your grandmother, now!

Grandma? Grandma!

Grandma!