01x13 - Something Ida This Way Comes

[bunniefuu]

Previously on
Brothers and Sisters:

- He was hitting on me.
- You are full of yourself.

Chad Berry has had ten girlfriends
in the last year.

When you're an addict, think of
something that you wanna live for.

The thing I live for is my family.

- My staff made assumptions.
- You hijacked my date?

- You'd find it charming.
- I can't date you.

- I know.
- So you are g*y.

No, man. But it doesn't mean
I don't think you're hot.

- Hi.
- We were having fun.

I want us to have fun.
We don't, not like we used to.

You dating Kitty Walker?

How long have you
been seeing each other?

How long have you
been seeing each other?

Oh, it's a picture frame.
It's so... shiny and pretty.

It's just what I wanted
for my birthday.

- She hates it.
- We thought with the baby coming...

You can never have enough.
I love it.

- Thank you so much.
- This cake is so delicious.

I know! And it's store-bought.

Mom, I really wanted to bake,
but it's been really busy at work,

Cooper's had this flu,
projectile vomiting.

- Ew! Ew! Ew!
- Eating, eating.

Sorry, guys.

Sarah, you don't have to make excuses. I
love store-bought, white, coconut cake.

My favorite. You know
I didn't want a big birthday party.

- No, I don't need anything fancy.
- I know.

You are many things.
Low-maintenance ain't one of them.

Sauly, come on.

I was the one that insisted we do
something low-key, intimate and quiet.

- This is perfect.
- Oh, Mother. You wanted a party.

No, I didn't. I don't. Uh-uh.

- Didn't I tell you?
- Yeah.

In our defense, Mom,
you were really quite convincing.

You don't have to apologize
for listening to me.

This isn't a wedding.
It's not a bar mitzvah. It's just aging.

I'm... !

More cake?

I can't believe she thought
that was her party.

I know, I almost felt sorry for her.

Did you see that look of devastation
when we brought the cake from aisle six?

- Oh, my God, it was total genius.
- OK, come on.

Let's not pat ourselves on the back.
We still have a surprise party.

OK, : p. m. Kitty leaves with Mom
to take her to the matinee of Wicked.

Kevin, didn't you used
to date one of those flying monkeys?

Don't laugh. One of those monkeys
got them house seats.

- Who are you texting frantically?
- Nothing frantic. I have fast thumbs.

I'll put them to use in the kitchen.
I need you by : .

What? Whoa. : ?

Aren't I supposed to meet
Sparky's Party People at Mom's house?

- Uh-huh. In the afternoon.
- That's the whole day.

Come on, I have work to do.
How come Kitty got out of this?

That'd be a giveaway if she left.
She lives there.

Exactly. Now, Saul,
how are we doing with the RSVPs?

Forty-one, our friends and relatives.

Good. Do we have
enough liquor for -plus?

We're swimming in it.
That vineyard Holly wants to buy,

- they're sending over crates of wine.
- Great.

- OK, : p. m., Julia.
- I pick up the cake at Millie's.

Off to Malibu to get Justin from rehab,
report to base camp

- at hours, sir!
- Great.

- I gotta go.
- Wait, wait.

Did we all leave our video testimonials?

Mine's on that chair in the dining room.

Drive safe. See ya, baby.

Drive safe.

OK, Rachael Ray, time for bed.

No, no, no. We can't get out of this.
We have a video to make.

You don't have to go. I have
a whole pint of ice cream in the fridge.

I guess you don't eat ice cream?
More of a sorbet man?

I gotta get a good night's sleep,
that's all. I have a big scene tomorrow.

My father's old Mafia boss is trying
to k*ll me with a poison latte.

- Wow, I hope you live.
- I do. My girlfriend drinks it.

She's the nurse
with the huge breasts?

I thought you never watched
the show, Mr Snob?

- I just started TiVo-ing it.
- You did?

- So, what do you think?
- I think you're great.

My sister's been filling me in
on who's who. She used to watch it.

She can't get over the fact
we're hanging out.

- You told your sister about us?
- Yeah, just that we're friends.

It's fine. Don't worry, it's fine.

It's just, we gotta be careful, dude.
This is career suicide for me.

- You understand?
- Yeah. Of course, you know.

You're a TV heartthrob
with a girlfriend.

It'd be stupid for me to think this
is anything more than what it is.

- It's fine.
- Don't be like that.

I've been with other guys before,
but never more than once.

This is a big deal for me.

You should get a good night's rest.

I wouldn't want you to accidentally
drink the poisoned latte.

Cool.

- I'll text you good night.
- Nothing says good night like a text.

Hey, Mom. Happy birthday.

You taught me
to be a friend and a mother.

I'm my mother's daughter,
the good, the bad and the ugly.

Not that there's anything ugly...
Oh, stop. Stop, stop!

- It was OK. It was good.
- I gotta...

- I gotta do it again.
- Again. Give me a second.

- "Happy birthday, Mom. "
- Keep practicing. Just a sec.

- Sixty years old, years young.
- Shh, shh. Quiet on the set.

Quiet on the set, please.
Sarah's toast to her mom, take .

It's not fair.
Kitty has such an advantage.

- She's got her own TV show.
- Yeah. Um...

- You can do it. Come on.
- OK.

- Make love to the camera, baby.
- Stop it. Cut it out.

- Oh, yeah.
- What are you doing?

- Wow. That's what I'm talking about.
- What? Joe!

Come on! We're not...

...making a...

...sex video.
- Oh, hey!

- There's an idea.
- Yeah. You're insane.

You said that you wanted
to have more fun.

- This would be fun.
- Yeah. Yeah, right.

We do it on the couch,
with the kids upstairs

and Cooper about to wake up to puke.

That is so hot.

You're serious. Joe!

Come on! This is the same tape as
my mother's sixtieth video tribute.

- I put in a new tape.
- You did?

Mm-hmm.

Joe...

- If this ends up on the Internet...
- We'll make millions.

No, no, no! Betty,
it was exactly what I wanted.

You remember Renee Baumann's sixtieth?
It was a total debacle.

Half the neighborhood ended up
with food poisoning.

Betty, there's someone at the door.
I have to go.

I'll call you right back. Bye-bye.

Mom! Oh, my God, Mom!

Nora, please, get out of the doorway.
It's cold out there.

- Mother, what are you doing here?
- It's your birthday.

- What do you think I'm doing here?
- My birthday was two days ago.

- You're a little late.
- Late? The party's not till tonight.

- What party?
- Your birthday party, obviously.

I have the feeling it was
supposed to be a surprise, Mother.

Oh. A surprise party.

- I see.
- That's OK. That's OK.

Mother, maybe you didn't know.
These things can happen, I guess.

So it's my fault now.

Get my bag.
The cab driver left it out on the curb.

Oh, my God!

Right. One second, one second.

- I told you I did not want a big to-do!
- Are you crazy, Nora?

It's your sixtieth!
Did you think we'd stop at cake?

I didn't think you'd invite
our mother to a surprise party,

which I was very clear
about not wanting!

Not that clear.
She calls me every Sunday.

I had to tell her. I mean,
if I thought she was gonna come...

Well, of course she would come!
You invited her!

I did not invite her!

- She's here because she loves you.
- No. Don't! Don't...

She never even came to my husband's
funeral. What kind of mother is that?

- Just calm down.
- I'm calm.

- All right, let's go.
- OK. Fine.

Hi, Mom. I'll make you some coffee.

Oh!

You have so many fancy gadgets here.
Do you even use half this stuff?

- I like to cook, Mom.
- It's not cooking

when you use all this stuff.
It's cheating.

Yeah.

Here she comes, people,
our fearless leader.

Your kitchen awaits.

Hon, you OK?

- Yeah, just my tummy's a little off.
- Uh-oh.

No, don't. Don't "uh-oh" me.
I'm not gonna get sick.

You look green.
Like, Kermit the Frog green.

I am cooking for -plus.
I do not have time to get sick.

- OK. Where do you want the...
- Oh, God.

...lamb?

What? No, no. You're kidding me.
You can't be sick.

I already told myself that.
It didn't work.

Look, the party's
in nine hours and minutes.

- I am really sorry, guys.
- Sarah, this is so not your fault.

Yes, it is! I told her...
I told you to get a flu shot.

- How is this helping?
- It's not.

- I can't cook for everybody.
- Clearly, we have to find a caterer.

For tonight?

- OK, guys, calm down.
- Where the hell is Kitty?

She's not doing anything for this party.

Kitty's making calls
from her office.

The bulk of the planning is done.
I just...

I need you guys to just step up
and take the reins.

OK? And communicate with each other.
Can I trust that you can handle this?

- Yes!
- Yes.

Good. Because I'm
gonna go and throw up now.

You're strictly kosher?

Well, just say that I wanted
to get like a cream sauce on...

Well, OK.

OK, OK. I... It...

- Good Shabbos?
- Oh, don't ask.

It's my mother's
sixtieth birthday party.

- The big - .
- Yeah.

And we are suddenly without food.

So the Big -
is about to become a big fast

unless I find a caterer, and I can't.

Use mine.

- Excuse me?
- I have a catering staff at the ranch.

- Of course you do.
- Pietro is world-class.

His crab cakes are unbelievable.
Not kosher, but...

It's Robert. Listen,
I have a little bit of an emergency.

There's an event
in LA tonight and I need you.

OK, I'll call you back with the info.
Crisis averted.

- Thank you.
- It's nothing.

No, it's not nothing.
You saved me...

You saved us from giving my mother

a second horrible birthday party.
And you know?

Um...

- You should come.
- Oh, thank you, but...

No, no. I'm serious.

You can come
and eat crab cakes and cake-cake.

You can meet the crazy family.

Not that it's gonna be one
of those intimate dinner parties.

My mother
is actually shockingly popular,

but, you know, there'll be lots
of people and well, mostly Democrats.

- Ew.
- That's OK. You'll blend in.

Unless, of course,
you have plans already.

Just... fraternizing with the enemy.

Oh. Well, good.

You know how this is gonna work?

- Yeah. I'm his chaperone, kind of.
- Not kind of, Tommy.

Justin's under your supervision.
It's important you're with him.

Is there any chance of me getting
an anklet like Martha Stewart?

- Just kidding.
- We need you to sign these papers.

For the insurance company. You're
gonna be assuming all liabilities.

Sure.

You will not be taking Justin anyplace
drugs or alcohol will be available.

- Is that a problem?
- Uh... No, no, no. Not a problem.

Just bring it all in.
Set it down anywhere.

That would be great.
Thank you. What are those?

These goblets? Aren't they fabulous?

- Who's in charge here?
- Sparky's in the dining room.

Excuse me!

- Are you Sparky?
- Didn't this turn out great?

Your family's
personalized coat of arms.

Stop! Sorry, what are you talking about?

Goblets? Why does it
look like Camelot?

The medieval package.
What you ordered?

No, no.
We ordered the mid-level package.

There's no such thing.
You checked the wrong box.

- It says in the contract...
- It's my mother's th.

Throwing her a party with
a Middle Age theme would be on the nose.

- Sir, the wine?
- Yeah. Yeah. Thirty seconds. Hello?

Are you sure you want to include
all this footage on your mom's tape?

- Yes. Why?
- Well, this one tape, it's...

Hold on. I have another call.

- Tommy, where are you?
- Not gonna believe this.

- We can't have alcohol at the house.
- What?

It's the only way they'll allow Justin.

- It's now officially a nightmare.
- Hey, it's not my rule.

Don't get defensive.
You were saying?

- I'm trying to tell...
- Sir, I'm on a schedule.

Have you looked at the footage?

Just put it back on the truck.
Thank you.

- My job is to deliver, not take away.
- Fine.

- Deliver it upstairs. Anything.
- Stairs is extra.

Great. Just put it on there. I don't
have time for this. Thank you. Bye.

- Mr. Walker?
- Yeah.

We're McCallister's security.

Right. And you're here because?

The senator will be
attending a party here.

- Says who?
- His schedule.

Did my sister invite him?

We don't deal with his life.
We just sweep the house.

- Right.
- You won't even notice.

I doubt that.

I love going to a matinee.
I really, really loved it.

I don't know why Kevin ended things
with that flying monkey.

- He was adorable.
- What are you doing?

My lips are dry.
Oh. This weather is so weird.

All right. Shall we go?

- No. I'll get the door.
- OK.

- So, what are we going to?
- Surprise!

Surprise!

Oh, my goodness! Wow!

Oh, my goodness. Well, I'm just so...

- Is that a coat of arms?
- Well, yeah. Yeah.

- We know how you like them.
- Oh, yes. It's...

Pretty.

Yeah.

Ohhh!

I can't believe
what you pulled off. Truly.

Well, Sarah deserves
most of the credit.

- What did I do all day?
- Sarah got the flu.

She's hoping to make it for cake.

And Justin! Oh, Justin!

Having you here
is the biggest gift of them all.

- Happy brthday, Mom. You look great.
- A peasant girl told me

there's no alcohol.
What is going on here?

I'll get you
a sparkling cranberry juice, Grandma.

Who's the movie star?

Oh, um...

Senator McCallister, you came.
Great. Hi.

Told you. So much for fitting in.

- Oh, yeah.
- Is this a costume party?

Apparently, it is.

- But our house doesn't usually...
- He's coming.

...you know, look like this.
- Nora.

- Yes.
- A very happy birthday.

I am so sorry to just be getting here,
but you know the rule:

Be early or late,
the middle risks ruining the surprise.

It wouldn't have mattered because...

- Mother.
- Well, Senator McCallister,

when Sarah got sick,
he generously gave us his chef.

Just an act of culinary bipartisanship.

Well, thank God for you,
or there'd be nothing to eat either.

Kevin, do you think you could
show Grandma the couch?

Sure. Like I haven't done enough today.
Come on, Grandma.

Mom.

Look at you. You are so handsome.

Why are you still a bachelor? How is
your love life? Are you dating anybody?

I don't... I don't know. It's...

You haven't met the right girl yet.
It's gonna happen.

- Grandma, the thing is, I'm...
- Look at you, blushing.

If I was your age, I would date you.

You know what? I'm going to get us
some wine. Just keep it on the D.L.

Keep it on the D.L. Yeah.

Spinach custard. Kind of a custard.

- You. Come with me. Now.
- Excuse me.

Here I come.

Where did they hide the booze?
Tell me, really. I'm not joking.

If I knew where it was,
I'd be drunk by now.

Mom is driving me crazy. I'm gonna
end up institutionalized on my th.

Why do you let her get to you?
Just walk away.

Where? She's like
a heat-seeking m*ssile.

What am I gonna do with you?
You're behaving like children.

How am I behaving like a child?

You both blame each other
for the same thing, Nora.

- What has she been telling you?
- There's so much misunderstanding.

No, I understand everything she says.
I wish I didn't.

Did you tell her not
to come to William's funeral?

- She told me you didn't want her.
- I can't believe you listen to her.

She asked me if it would be all right
if she went on a cruise to the Bahamas!

What was I supposed to say?

"It's a better idea if you come
to my husband's funeral?"

Maybe she wanted you
to tell her you wanted her to come.

You know what? It was not about her.
My husband died.

It was not my responsibility
to make her feel better.

- Why do you always take her side?
- I'm not taking anyone's side.

All right.

- Senator, hello.
- Hello.

Excuse me. I just want
to see how everyone's doing.

You know, don't I know you?
I feel like I...

Yes, I cooked at a benefit
for the Children's Wish.

Oh, that's right.

That was my husband's favorite charity.
It's being threatened, you know.

- Business men...
- They've figured out a way

to knock down the church to build
a supermarket. It's appalling.

I didn't think you Republicans
cared about that.

I bet you and I
could find a lot to agree on.

I'm sure you're in agreement
on what an astonishing woman Kitty is.

You should relax.
You're never gonna get her vote.

Oh, I don't know. He's my favorite
Republican, behind Abe Lincoln.

Any more ravioli left?
The senator's th*gs...

Kevin, have you met Senator McCallister?

Not officially.
I am familiar with his politics.

- I'm the g*y brother.
- How are you?

It is the senator who provided us
with this feast for tonight.

Maybe we can leave
political debate alone for a while.

Absolutely. Maybe one day
he can cater my wedding.

He'd have to be voted
out of office for that to happen.

Not necessarily.
My duties don't preclude catering.

Kevin. Talk.

Now. Please.

Take your time.

One contribution you made
is to bring Senator h*m*.

Thought you and I were done with this.

Oh, God, you missed the point!
OK, OK.

It is one thing to go and work for
the guy, which I have come around to,

but to bring him to... our house,
to my mother's birthday party?

He gave us his chef. It was
the nice thing to do. You know what?

You can't talk.
Sleeping with a closeted actor?

- Who told you?
- Uh... Tommy did.

I never said a word.
You're the one blabbing to the family.

Where did you hide the wine?
I need to get Grandma a drink ASAP!

- In the closet.
- You put wine in my closet?

- Is your little boyfriend in there?
- He's not my boyfriend!

Hey, hey! Keep it down.
What's wrong with you?

We're about to start the video.
Where's Justin?

- If he does something stupid...
- We have to trust him.

We can't. He's in rehab.

He's in rehab to get better,
and that involves taking responsibility

for things that he's already done, and
he told me that he had to go see Tyler.

- He what?
- Yeah.

I guess he had to go apologize to her.
You know, face to face.

- Kitty, you let him go?
- No. No, I pinned him down,

gave him a wedgie. I couldn't keep him.
What was I supposed?

Of course I let him go.
You have to try and trust him, OK?

All right, fine. But if anything
happens, it's on your hands.

Kids. Kids, come on. They're gonna
show your video. Come on. Come on.

You're like a fine wine, Nora Walker.

- Happy birthday, Mom! Love you!
- Happy birthday, Nora!

- We love you.
- Aw.

Oh.

If this ends up
on the Internet...

- Are they?
- Whoa. Whoa.

- Uh, where's the remote?
- Oh, my Lord!

How do you stop? How do you?

No! No! No! It's the...

- How do you turn this thing off?
- I can't believe this.

- Senator, don't watch.
- Please, I'm in politics.

I've pretty much seen everything.

There's nothing...
It doesn't happen. It's...

- We just... Oh, boy.
- Oh, Joe.

No, thank you. Hey, Jack.

- Come on.
- Sorry.

- Sarah?
- Nice.

Hey, Sarah.
Um... what are you doing here?

I said I'd try and make it if I felt OK.
Joe, what's going on?

- Uh... what are you talking about?
- Sure.

Why are there cops here anyway
and who the hell are those guys?

- Oh. Those are serfs.
- Senator, would you like some wine?

- I thought this was a dry party?
- Mm-hmm. But I know a guy.

Come on, this way.

Thanks for coming. You look great.

- I don't have a lot of time.
- I won't keep you.

I need to get back
to my mom's party anyway. I just...

I came to apologize.

I'm not here to make an excuse because
there is no excuse for what I did.

- But I'm in rehab.
- So, you're out making amends?

That's part of the program, isn't it?

- How high up am I on your list?
- You're right under my family.

Look, that night I got high at the
hotel, I don't even remember much.

And that girl? Honestly,
it's just someone I used to use with.

We just tried to forget about stuff.

What were you trying
to forget about that day? Me?

No! You were the best thing
that's happened to me in a long time.

What do you want me to say? Justin,
you may have been high, but I wasn't.

- And I remember everything.
- Look, I am so sorry.

Look, I get out in a week.
Can I see you?

- Justin.
- It doesn't have to be a date.

- You can bring one of my family.
- I'm seeing someone.

That's great.

That's great. I'm...
I'm really happy for you.

- What are you gonna do after rehab?
- I'm going back.

To the Middle East.
They called me to Iraq.

Oh, my God.

You found out that day, didn't you?
Why didn't you tell me?

- I didn't want to use it as an excuse.
- Oh, Justin.

Yeah. You know, you should go.
I don't want to keep you. I...

- Tell your mom I said happy birthday.
- Yeah.

If this is where you keep
wine, where do you keep your clothes?

Just shut your mouth and come on.
Come on. Shut the door.

I am having, like, a fifth-grade
flashback of Dina Segerson

and "seven minutes in heaven. "
Always been a closet drinker?

- Are you done?
- No, I'll think of some more.

- Wow. This is quite a collection.
- Oh, yeah.

If only my shoes could talk...

These are sufficiently slutty,
what's their story?

Hamptons, .
Broke a heel dancing on a table,

got sandwiched in between this club
promoter and some tortured playwright.

- Do you want to explain those?
- Oh, my God.

Yes. Halloween two years ago.
Um... Tribeca loft party.

Jonathan and I went as Sonny and Cher.

- Jonathan?
- Uh, yeah. Jonathan.

My... ex-fiancé.

- Yeah, I'd rather talk about my shoes.
- Understood.

You know, tonight was
unusually bizarre, even for my family.

You kidding me? It's been fantastic.
It's like dinner theatre. Or the circus.

Mm. You certainly managed
to charm the pants off the ringleader.

I think my mother was actually
batting her eyelashes at you.

- No batting.
- There was,

and you don't have
to be modest with me.

Please, we're in a closet. Robert.

Well, Robert, so now that you've managed
to make my mother fall in love with you,

why won't you just tell Kevin
that you have a g*y brother?

Because I don't trade
in that kind of currency.

I'm not gonna use my brother
to gain your brother's approval.

Well, it would make things a lot easier.

Make what easier?

Sorry.

You know, we've been in here for
over a minute and haven't done anything.

I got more action from Dina Segerson.

I can't.

It's not that I don't want to.
I don't mean that I do want to.

It's just that even if I did want to,
I couldn't.

With that logic,
you sure you're not a Democrat?

Besides, I'm on a fast.

My mom and I made a pact. A man-fast.

- A man-fast? Meaning?
- No men. Temporarily.

As you can see,
I've worn a lot of shoes in my life,

so now it's just time to focus on me
for a while and go barefoot.

OK.

But hypothetically speaking...

You mean, if I didn't work for you?

- Hypothetically speaking.
- You'd be the first I'd try.

I don't understand.
I'm out of commission eight hours

and the party turns into a circus.

Yeah, well, you ordered this circus,
the most expensive package.

No. I ordered the med...
the mid-level... Oh, my God.

Oh, Mom,
I am so sorry about your party.

- Sweetie, no one really saw anything.
- Well, speak for yourself.

Theme. She's upset about the theme.

- The theme is so festive.
- Come on, there's armor on the wall.

There are serfs in the bathroom.
And where is all the wine?

Isn't that all they did
in the Middle Ages? Drink wine?

- What's with the state troopers?
- They're troopers and they're my fault.

- Senator.
- How you doing?

And we had to promise no wine
when we took Justin out of rehab.

- Out of where?
- Oh.

Mother, Justin is in a rehab program.
He's a drug addict.

Mom, a little discretion.
We are in the presence of a senator.

- Nothing to be embarrassed of.
- h*m* is?

Kevin, you know, please! Can you tell
him that you have a g*y brother too?

- Who's g*y?
- I...

You just outted two
for the price of one.

Thanks. That would be me. I'm g*y.

You're not g*y.
Justin, maybe. But you?

Oh, I... I am g*y.
I swear. I am.

Mother, stop acting so horrified.
You are loving every second of this.

Pietro. Do the... Pick up the...

Why is everybody in the kitchen? Huh?
Is everything OK?

Well, hardly.
Justin is an addict, Kevin is g*y

and this one is sh**ting
pornographic movies.

- Pornographic what?
- The sex tape that you and Joe shot.

It ended up on my video.

- Oh, no.
- Yes, it did. Yeah.

- No, it didn't.
- Yes, it did.

Joe!

Joe! Why didn't you
tell me about the tape?

I was going to, but wait
till after the party. I just...

- Didn't want to ruin everything.
- We're a team.

- Um... we were a team, all right.
- It's not funny!

What else don't I know
about this family?

- Mom, let's go sit down.
- No, Saul. She wants to know,

so I'm gonna tell her.
Mother, William cheated on me.

Yes. Is that what you wanted to hear?

William had an affair
for almost half my marriage.

And not only that.
Hold on, he was an embezzler.

A very successful embezzler,
but an embezzler nonetheless.

It turns out you were right.
Are you happy now?

Of course, I'm not happy.
I'm not surprised, but I'm not happy.

- What?
- OK! OK! OK! OK, Mom.

- That's it. Let's go. It's enough.
- Where?

To my house.
Tomorrow you're flying home.

- What did I do?
- It's Nora's birthday, Mom.

She's had a terrible year. You haven't
been nice since you got here.

I'm sorry I invited you. I really am.

I have never understood this family.

That's because you never even tried.

Wow.

- Mom.
- No, Nora. It's OK.

That was some family drama.

You finally drove off McCallister
and his band of Merry Men.

Good! I'm sure Kitty
is apologizing for us all right now.

Whatever. At least your asses
weren't plastered all over a plasma.

Don't laugh. It's not funny.
I can't look at you people anymore.

- Imagine how we feel.
- Bold choice with the couch.

- Oh, stop it!
- Doing yoga?

- That's enough!
- Can we talk about Grandma?

I know. I know. I mean, she's nice to
us, but with Mom, she's Joan Crawford.

Imagine that as your parent?

You got to hand it to her.
She turned out pretty well.

- Yeah.
- To Mom.

- To Mom.
- To Mom.

- Justin.
- Wow. And I'm the one in rehab?

Uh... where the hell have you been?

Not drinking, unlike you drunk b*stards.

- Come in. Shut the door.
- It's like a speakeasy here.

- We were just...
- Just getting wasted. Relax.

- I'm not gonna ground you.
- So how'd it go with Tyler?

Just great.
She's seeing someone already.

- Oh.
- To Tyler!

You suck. Both of you.

Mother, stop it!
Now stop packing. Stop it!

You are not going anywhere tonight.

I know you never liked him, William.

What was it you always called him?
The Charmer. The...

- Operator.
- The Operator. Yes. The Operator.

You didn't want me to get hurt.
You were being my mother.

When I think
of somebody hurting my kids...

But Mother, listen.

Grown-up kids
make big old grown-up mistakes.

And you were right, weren't you?

I've tried to imagine
why he needed somebody else.

I don't think I'll ever understand it.

But I want you to know, Mother,
we had a good marriage!

- I know.
- You do?

Your father spent
all of his life in the office.

Or at least that's what he said.

In any case, it was hardly a great
marriage. Not even a good one.

When I looked at yours,
I could see the difference.

- There were times when I almost left.
- Why didn't you?

You and Saul.

And I didn't want to be alone.

I realize now that I am anyway.

And Nora,
I wanted to come to William's funeral.

I thought that since I'd said
so many terrible things about him,

you wouldn't want me there.
So I told you about the cruise

because I wanted to give you an easy way
for you to say, "Don't come. "

Oh, Mother.

Oh, Mother.
I should have insisted that you come.

I just didn't want
to take care of you that day.

I wanted somebody to take care of me.

Here. I didn't
have a chance to go shopping.

I got that frame
through one of those catalogs.

That's you.

That's the oldest picture I could find.

You were so beautiful.
Even as an infant.

There wasn't a day
I didn't hear someone say

you look like a Sears Roebuck doll.

Thanks, Mom.

If you don't mind,
I'm gonna lie down for a while.

- Yeah.
- I don't feel like going back.

All right.

If there's cake,
do you want me to come get you?

No. Not so much.

All right.

Nora? You must
have done something right.

You've got a house full of children.

If I didn't call Saul on Sundays,

I don't think I would
ever hear from either one of you.

That's not true.

I'm glad you came, Mom.

# Happy birthday to you

# Happy birthday, dear Nora

# Happy birthday to you #

Wow.

You made coffee. I was hoping
to take you to Jinky's for breakfast.

Well, it's much cozier here,
don't you think?

Mm-hmm. Thank you.

If you're hungry,
I have some birthday cake.

That's right.
How was the party? I never asked.

It was insane.

It's kind of like this huge
family meltdown, only really fun.

- Senator McCallister was there.
- You're kidding.

- No.
- His brother's g*y, you know.

- Yeah, I know.
- He cruised me once at the gym.

It must be almost impossible
for you to work out.

Hang on a second.

Hey.

Just at some friend's house.

Yeah, I'd love to sh**t some
hoops later. I give you a call?

Right on.

Sorry about that.

Of course. That's where you are now.
Some friend's house.

- Kev.
- No, I know.

It's just, I'm not used
to being this guy, you know?

I'm the one with intimacy issues.

I've always been the one feeling bad
because I've let someone down.

Come on, let's go to Jinky's.

Really?

Wow. Breakfast in the outside world?

- Gee, I'm the luckiest guy in town.
- Don't make fun of me.

Let me go look in my closet.
Maybe we can find you a little disguise.

Oh, God.

- Bro, you OK?
- OK, first thing,

let's retire "bro" from the bedroom.

And second... Excuse me.

Tommy, just come here.

The last thing you want to do
is get Julia and the fetus sick.

All right, baby. Whatever.
Just come here.

OK, I'll see you soon.

Tommy's got it too. How's your sister?

Oh, she's not moving. We
all spent too much time in the closet.

- How do you feel?
- Better...

...now that your grandmother's
on her way to the airport.

Oh, yeah. We've all decided we all
feel terrible about your childhood.

That's a reversal.

I just hope I'm not like her.

But I think I am a little like her.

I'm opinionated like her and stubborn

and she says whatever
the hell comes to her mind.

Yeah, not such a bad role model
for a girl in the fifties.

- Or a g*y man now.
- Genetics. A very strong thing.

- You look awful.
- Thank you, Ida.

- Good morning.
- Good morning.

- Is she off?
- Yep.

She's headed back to the desert
with the scorpions.

- Don't.
- They're like mini lobsters.

Saul!

Oh, honey. I'll bring you
some tea when you're finished.

I should be wearing a mask!

Saul, thank you for last night

and everything with Mother.

You haven't done that since...

...right after my seventh-grade
Christmas recital. Remember?

- Yeah. She said you couldn't sing.
- Well, I can't sing,

- but she didn't have to tell me.
- Right.

You're a good big brother.
Then and now.

I couldn't pick a better person
to know for every chapter of my life.

We both lucked out.

- Here.
- OK.

You have to rinse those
before you put them in the dishwasher.

- Nora.
- All right.

- Shut up.
- OK. Fine.

I'll wash them again later.
Just go ahead.

OK, how is everybody doing?

- I think I'm dying.
- This is all Sarah's fault.

This happens when people have kids?
They spread disease?

Tommy, you're building
your immune system.

I've got Saltine crackers, I've got
ginger ale, I've got applesauce.

- Oh, dear.
- Wimp!

Oh, Thomas, be nice.

- Mother, you're really enjoying this.
- No. No.

Doorbell.

- Who could be at the door?
- Hare Krishnas.

Nora. I come bearing soup.

Why, senator, that's so sweet of you.
And un-senatorial.

Well, the house was smack
between speaking engagements.

- Really? Where?
- San Diego and San Francisco.

So I stopped at Feinberg's and I
got you two gallons and bagel chips.

Kitty's upstairs.

Oh. OK, tell her that last night

was the perfect dose of family
and that I really needed it.

Well, thank you for the soup.
And for Pietro and...

And one more thing, if you don't mind.

Tell Kitty to let me know when
she's ready to go shoe shopping again.

My, you are a friendly boss.

Yes, I certainly will do that, senator.

And now please go fumigate yourself.

- Good to see you.
- Bye.

- He brought soup.
- Well, big whoop.

Maybe he could use it as his next
campaign: "Vote for me, get soup. "

- Oh, chicken noodle, sweet.
- You're such a hypocrite, Kevin.

Because I'm eating it,
doesn't mean I like him.

You kids just eat your soup
really slowly. A chip?