02x23 - The Garage Sale

[bunniefuu]

- What's that thing?

- It's a coin sorter.

Herminsons are having
a garage sale,

And you know how I feel
about loose change:

Not for me.

- Ugh.

Something else we don't need.

Your father's been bringing home
useless junk for 40 years.

- You were item number one.

- We should be having
a garage sale, frank.

- No.

No garage sale.

I'm not lugging everything
up from the basement

And then standing out there
all day dealing with people.

People.

- I bet ed's making a lot
of money on that thing.

- He told me
he already made $200.

- Ooh.

- $200?

For herminson's crap?

We got much better crap
than him.

We're having
a garage sale.

No, no, better.

Make it a yard sale.

That's classier.

I bet I can sell this thing
for $15.

That's pure profit.

- Hey, who took my thing, dad?

- Hey, listen up.

You and robert
got till tomorrow morning

At 8:00 in the a.M.
To get all the crap

You're storing
in this house out.

We're clearing the place out.

- Oh, my god.

You're moving?

- No, we're having a yard sale.

- Oh, oh, yard sale.

Oh, for a second
I thought you were moving,

Which would make us
so, so sad.

- Aww.

No, sweetie.

We're not going anywhere, no.

Oh.

[smooches]

No,
we'll always be with you.

- 'cause I'll help you move.

- Let's go.
Let's go.

Got a half an hour.

- Yeah, relax.

- Move it out!

- Take it easy, dad,
all right?

Nobody's at your yard sale yet.

The bowling alleys
are still open.

- Well, anything
you don't claim, I'm selling.

- Hey, listen,
if we don't want it for free,

What makes you think people
are gonna pay for it?

- People are idiots.

- Did you know
I used to come down here

To hide from you?

- Oh, yeah?

I used to come down here
to hide from dad.

- He used to come down
to hide from mom.

- Remember when we all ended up
down here at the same time?

- Then mom locked us in
to teach us a lesson.

- And dad shut off the water

While she was still
in the shower.

- Yeah.

- Good times.

- [chuckles]
yeah.

- All right,
let's get to it, huh?

- Oh, oh, man.

You know what,
this is just--

It's too much like work.

Look, just let dad sell
what's ever here.

That's all.

- What, are you kidding?

This is our childhood.

This is who we are.

- Hey, hey, hey,
my handprint turkey.

Gully, gully, gully,
gah, gah, gah, gah.

[chuckles]

- That's a turkey?

- Yeah, you know,
I was a kid.

- Yeah, uh-huh.

- Ahh, look at this.
Look at all this--

All this cool school stuff
of mine.

- Where's my stuff?

- Ahh, look at this.

I invented this in shop class.

- You invented wood.

- It's a bug-k*lling system.

Look, I wrote directions down.

"put bug on block 'a'
and press down with block 'b'

"until crunching is heard.

Rinse and repeat."

- All these boxes
say "ray" on 'em.

I used to have things too,
you know.

- Here you go.

Here's something
with your name on it.

- What?

- Your baby shoes?

- 40 years,
this is all they saved.

- Hey, hey, hey.

Hector von fuzzy pants.

[giggling]

Or something.

I don't--
hector von some--

I don't know.
Oh, it's stupid.

- All right.

Come on,
hurry up, boys.

Your father
wants a staff meeting

On the lawn
in five minutes.

- Ma, what are you doing?

What are you selling
all this stuff for?

- 'cause I need this area
for your father.

See, I'm gonna bring down
a chair and a television,

And I'm gonna leave meals
at the top of the stairs.

He'll be very happy.

- Ma, ma, wait.

- What?
- What's with these shoes?

What'd you save these for?

- I don't know.
Let me see.

[gasps]

Oh, I bought these for you
for christmas one year.

- I never got 'em.

- I must have hidden them
down here

And forgotten
to give them to you.

[laughs]

That's funny.

- Shoes for christmas.

- [mouthing words]

- Oh.

What's all that?

- This is my whole childhood
that my parents want to sell

To any zeke with a pickup.

- Now, where are we
gonna keep all this stuff?

- Come on, debra.

This is--it's good stuff.

- Oh, look.

"ray, 1969," oh.

- It's an ashtray.
I made it for my dad.

Said he loved it.

Said he would start smoking.

He never did.

- Well, when the time comes,
you'll smoke for your children.

- What do you got there?

- Oh, it's just a bunch
of clothing

I was just gonna take it over
to the yard sale.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Come on, kids.

Got to go to grandma
and grandpa's.

Ray,
just grab that crib, okay?

Oh, come on.

Go on, ray.
Hurry up.

- We're getting rid
of the cribs?

- Yeah, what do we need them
for anymore?

- I don't know.

- What?

- I don't know,
in case--

- What, for what?

- I don't know.

- What, for all the other kids
we're gonna have?

Yeah, why don't we have ten more
and move into a shoe?

Hey, frank.
- Hey, hey.

Welcome to honest frank's
yard of bargains.

- Oh, yeah.
- Hiya, kids.

- Here we go.

- Okay, what have we here,
debra?

- Well,
it's mostly baby stuff.

The crib goes in furniture.
- Yeah.

- Clothes in clothes.
- Right.

- All right, hey.

Maybe I ought to start
an all-baby section.

[chuckles]

They're suckers for babies.

- You know what, dad?

We'll take care of all of this,
all right?

So we're gonna get rid
of all this stuff, huh?

- Yeah, and after your dad
takes his cut,

We get to keep 40%.

- Hey, hey, check this out.

- Dad, all right, can you
give us a second here, please?

- You see what I did?

I scraped the rust off.

Eye appeal is buy appeal.

20 bucks.

- 20 bucks?

Nobody's gonna pay
that for a used thermos.

- They will if it was used
by the pope.

Hey, fella, you catholic?

You like hot soup?

- Wow, I can't believe
we saved all this stuff, huh?

What do you think, ray?

Like, a buck
for a bag of bibs?

Buck a bag of bibs.

Buck
a bag of bibs.

A buck a bag of bibs.

Can you say that?
Just say it.

Buck a bag of bibs.
Buck a bag of bibs.

- Yeah, okay, look.

So we're not gonna
have any more kids?

- What, are you serious?

- I'm just--I'm wondering.

- I don't know.

Are we supposed to?

- I don't know.

I mean, I just--
I thought that if we weren't

We both would have known
about it.

- [clears throat]

I don't think this is the place
to talk about this right now.

- Oh, I wasn't listening.

- Listen.

I'm not saying
I definitely want more kids,

But I just didn't know
we had made that decision.

- Well, I mean, nobody made
an actual decision, ray.

- I just thought that--

I thought since we hadn't
done anything drastic--

- Drastic?

- Yes, you know,
since we hadn't...

Snip, snip, snip, snip,

That we could maybe--

- What?

- I don't know.

Maybe we could have more kids.

- Excuse me,
I couldn't help overhearing.

- Oh, god.

- Are we talking about
having more children?

- Ray.

- Ma, look, this is between
me and debra, okay?

- Yeah, and I don't think that
this is the place to do this.

- Raymond, what did you mean

By "snip, snip,
snip, snip, snip"?

- God, now I got to have
that dream.

What are you doing?

- Dad wants me to keep an eye
on that one in sporting goods.

- You really think
mrs. Scarpool

Is gonna steal
cross-country skis?

- Not on my watch.

- Hey, you two porcupines,

I need you
to bring that sofa bed

Up from the basement.

- Old lucky?

I mean, old musty?

- Listen, I haven't told
your mother yet,

But I'm fixing a little area
for her down there.

- A little area.

- I'm gonna bring down
her sewing machine,

Maybe a folding chair,
maybe a hot plate.

She'll love it.

She can stay down there
all day.

- Sounds like a sweatshop, dad.

- Nah, I'll give her
a little fan.

- Debra, would you help me
price these things?

If we look busy,
then nobody'll bother us.

- Oh, that doesn't work.

I just was trying
to look busy.

- Can I let you in
on a little secret?

- Um...

- I wanted to have
more children too.

- We don't want
to have more children.

- Oh?

Well, if I overheard correctly,
raymond does.

Listen.

I wanted to have another baby,

But frank wouldn't
even hear of it.

And well, I was just crushed.

You know, I love my boys,

But I always wanted
a little girl too.

You know what I used to do?

I used to put robbie
in a little pink dress

And dance him
around the room.

- You got any pictures of that?

- The reason
I bring it up is that,

Well, we're not getting
any younger, dear.

And you want to plant your
seedlings before winter comes

And everything freezes over.

- Jeez.

- You can't talk to her.

- All right, easy, easy.

Stop pushing it, robert.

- I'm not pushing.

- Take--I'm losing my grip.

I'm put--I'm putting it down.

- Wait, wait, wait!
- I'm putting it down.

Clunk!

- Ow!

- Well, what's the matter?

- You told me
while you were putting it down.

- Oh, you just--you're slow.

You used to do that to me
on the seesaw.

"I'm getting off,"
boom.

- Hey, chuckleheads,
this ain't the employee lounge.

I got a rube out there
I think I can unload this on.

- All right, take it easy, dad.

This thing weighs a ton,
all right?

- Well, then open it up
and pull the mattress out.

What, are you two
sharing a brain?

I'll use this cushion
to keep him on the hook.

[groans]

Ick.

There you go.

- All right.
- All right.

[grunting]

- Ready, one...

- Yeah.

- Two, three.

[dishes crashing]

- We were too close
to the table.

- Stupid couch,
stupid--

Stupid.

- Hey.

Don't take your problems
with debra out on the sofa bed.

- What are you talking about?

- I know the situation.

You know, the kid thing,
you and debra.

- Well, where'd you hear that?

- It's all over the yard.

- What?

- Don't worry.

What's said in the yard
stays in the yard.

Why is everybody talking
about this except me and debra?

- Well, we're all wondering
about that too.

And let me just say this, okay?

Debra has a point, ray.

All right, it's a lot of work
raising kids.

There you are at the office.

Then you come breezing home.

"look what I wrote.

Where's my dinner?"

How much help are you really?

- Okay, what--what do you know
about it?

- Oh, yeah, yeah,
that's right, huh?

What could I know?

I'm just robert;
I don't have any kids.

I'm a reproductive cul-de-sac.

- Can you just fold this up,
please?

- I could still have kids,
you know.

- I know, robert.
- Ooh.

- What are you guys
talking about?

- Don't worry, deb.

I'm on your side.

- You're on my side?

- That's right,
and I'm not the only one.

- I don't believe this, ray.

What are you doing?

- Hey, listen--

- [groans]

- Look, I just wanted to talk
about it, all right, that's all.

You just--you assumed
that we were done having kids.

Well, I don't know
that I'm done yet.

- Well, I am.

- Well...

- You know what?

Why don't I just get this
out of your way, okay?

[couch creaking
and banging]

It's stuck.

You know what,
I might be a while.

- Hey, there's a sucker out here

Who just paid sticker price
on the crib.

- The crib?

- Yeah, I need one
of you two numbskulls

To go put it in her car
before she sees the teeth marks.

- I'm gonna go.

- Ray.

- And mrs. Scarpool
is on your side too.

- Uh, listen--

- Ah, thanks,
it's the green minivan.

- Yeah, there's been
a misunderstanding.

This crib's not for sale.

- What?

- Yeah, sorry.

- But I already bought it.

Dad, give this woman
a refund, please.

- I'm sorry, lady.

All sales are final.

- But I want the crib.

- No, no, no, dad.

Dad, we're not selling
this crib.

Please, give her
her money back.

- What have you been smoking?

Give her the crib.

- All right, stop it, no.

No, dad, I'm not selling
the crib.

Please, how much
did you pay for this?

- Ray, ray, come on.

What are you doing?

- He's blowing the sale.

You're fired.

- Look, we're not selling
the crib.

Here, here's 40 bucks.

- She only paid $30.

- I don't care.
Please let go.

- Ray.

- It's raymond's crib.

They're gonna need it.

- No, we're not.

- I'm gonna need it Thursday.

- Marie, stop.

- Robert, help, help!

- Ray, give her the crib.

- No.
- What do you mean, no?

- I want another baby!

[crib creaking
and squeaking]

- That is one special
kind of idiot.

- Excuse me, sir?

How much for these photos

Of the cute little girl
in the pink dress?

- Ray.

- What?

- You want to talk?

- Do you?

- Well, everybody in the yard
thinks we should.

- Look, it's just that

That mean pregnant lady
was taking our crib.

I just wanted to stop
and think about it for a second.

That's all.

- Okay, okay.

Let's think about it.

Another baby.

We have three.

- Yeah, but it's really not
like three,

Because the twins
were kind of like a twofer.

You know?

- You know,
I gave birth to them, ray.

Believe me.

We have three.

- Look, I'm not saying
that I want more kids,

But to say that we're never
gonna have any more--

I don't know,
I mean--

Remember when they were born,

And they were so little
and stuff?

I liked that,
you know,

When they're little.

I don't know.

Don't you like that?

I like that.

- Oh, ray.

[door rattles]

- Oh, my god.

- Ma, can we be alone, please?

- No.

I mean, I'm happy
that you and debra

Are working things out,

But please,
this is my kitchen.

- We're talking, ma.

We're talking; that's all.

- Okay.

But I'm just outside,

And I can come back
any minute.

- That's just like
at our house.

- Look at this.

- Oh, yeah,
and look at the purple stain.

You remember
how that got there?

That's you
trying to give michael

His medicine in the dark.

- Hmm.

- And we all got that cold.

You remember?

- Huh.

- And I think ally
had a mouthful of tuna fish

When she sneezed
all over you.

Nobody got any sleep
that week.

- Or ever since.

- I'm just saying,
think about it.

More kids.

- Can we give back the ones
we already have?

- Oh.

Not without a receipt.

- Hmm.

I'm sorry.
Look, I don't know.

I don't know
what I was thinking.

All right, I'm gonna put
these back on the table.

Here, I don't think anybody's
gonna want that.

- You okay, ray?

- I'm tired, yeah.

- Ray?

- Ray?

Ray!

Please tell me
we had a sister!

- Right this way, my friend.

Don, is it?

- Mm-hmm.

- Don, I don't know
whether I should let you

Lie down on this beauty,
'cause once you're on it,

You're never gonna want
to get up.

[chuckles]

Floating on a cloud,
huh, don?

- There's, like,
a pole digging in my back.

- Don't worry about that.

[clanging]

- [shouts]

- You know,
it comes with a thermos.

Are you catholic?