- All right,
let's get going.
Your father's ruined
everything.
- Wh-what happened
to you?
- I was bringing
the suitcases down,
And the bum knee
popped out again.
- You're so clumsy.
- That's the thanks I get for
blowing my knee out in korea,
Making the world safe
for your mother.
- You told me you slipped
off a massage table in tokyo.
- Nevertheless.
- Well, what about
the cruise now?
- Okay, well, thanks.
Mom and dad are screwed.
Can't reschedule,
and we can't get our money back.
- Why not?
- Because the discount package
you made us get them
Does not permit changes.
- We can't go.
You happy now,
tiny tim?
- I'll go, I'll go.
- No, no--
- I'll go. I'm going.
[cries out]
- No, dad,
don't, don't.
- Ma, you could go
by yourself
Or call one of your friends.
Call lee.
- Lee can't go.
Stan's cousin the diabetic
is visiting from arizona.
- Well, you could always
go by yourself.
- No.
- Yes. We got it
for your birthday.
- I know, dear.
And for once,
you got us a very nice gift.
- Come on, ma, you never
do anything like this.
You bought all that
cruise wear, huh?
Where are you going
to wear that, around the tub?
- No, not for me.
I couldn't bear
to go alone.
- Ma, this is a deluxe weekend
cruise in bermuda.
This is
once-in-a-lifetime.
This is nonrefundable.
- I'm sorry.
It was a lovely gesture, really,
And we want to pay you back
for the whole thing.
- Hey!
- No. Ma, you want to go;
I want you to go.
Come on, what's it going to take
to get you to just go?
- I don't know.
- Ah--uh...
No. Ma, look, debra would never
let me do that.
I couldn't do that.
- Now, that would be
a real present.
- Look, ma, I would
love to go, but I--
That wouldn't be--
wouldn't be fair to robert.
- No, no, I don't mind.
I think it's fair.
In fact, it's more than fair.
It's funny.
- And, robert,
you could stay home
And take care of your father.
- Also funny.
- Oh, raymond!
Oh!
[giggling]
- This day started out
so good.
- Oh, look how cute this is!
- This is
the deluxe package?
All right, look.
I want to get mad,
but I don't think
I can fit another emotion
in here.
- Oh. I'm going to bring debra
back one of these shower caps
To thank her for letting me
have you for the weekend.
- Yeah, the one thing
she lets me do.
- Oh, look how adorable
this little toilet is.
- Oh, that's great.
They stuff you full
of food,
And then they give you
baby's first potty.
Come on. Let's just
get the hell out of here.
Single file!
- No, no, no, no, no, no!
We're going to have
a wonderful time.
- Yeah?
How you figure?
- Well, for one thing,
We're going to spend
the whole weekend together.
We can talk, you and me.
Just talk.
- [sighs]
- Oh, raymond, thank you
for this lovely trip.
- Knock knock.
[chuckling] oh, hi!
Welcome to the star princess.
I'm your
social director, ted.
Just a list of some of the super
activities we've got going on.
- Oh, god, activities.
- Ooh! I've always wanted
to do shuffleboard
And bingo and candle making.
- Oh, good. Skeet sh**ting.
I'd like to sign up
as skeet.
- This--this is
our first trip.
- Oh. Well, then,
sir, may I recommend
The deck by moonlight?
You and your lady might enjoy
the gorgeous, panoramic view--
- Whoa, whoa, whoa!
"lady?" whoa, whoa, whoa.
This is not my lady, okay?
This is my mother.
- Oh, sure, sure, sure.
Mother. Done.
- She really is my mother.
Tell him you're my mother.
- Oh, honey, look.
Origami.
- Look, what did you
write there, okay?
'cause I'm telling you
the truth here.
- Oh, it doesn't really matter,
sir; we're at sea.
You have a grand time,
you two.
- Aah!
[ship horn blasts
over scream]
- Lunch.
- It's about time.
I'm starved.
What?
- You're--
you're not limping.
- Oh. Oh, yeah. Uh...
It's a miracle.
- Dad?
- Honest. I was watching one
of those religious channels.
I pledged 5 bucks.
Praise the lord!
- You faker!
The moaning and groaning
and flopping on the couch.
- Pretty good, huh?
- What kind
of a person are you?
- I'm a very smart person.
Marie'll be much better off
without me anyway.
And what are you
complaining about?
You're free to go.
Everybody
gets what they want.
- I guess.
Everybody except
raymond.
- God bless
that magnificent bastard.
Let's eat.
Hey, now, this is
what I call a vacation.
Three days of sitting
in front of the tv, eating,
Napping on the couch,
soaking in my new hot tub,
Nobody nagging at me:
"frank, take out the trash.
"frank, cover your mouth
when you burp.
Frank, that's no place
for a q-tip."
I'm free!
I'm footloose
and fancy free.
Oh! Oh! Oh!
Oh! Oh!
- Come on.
You got the part.
- I'm not kidding.
I really popped it this time.
- You did not.
- I did too.
[grunting]
- Let me see.
- [groaning]
- You just had to dance.
[dinner music
in background]
- [slurps]
- Oh, there you are.
Where have you been?
- Bar hopping.
Waffle bar, omelet bar,
tostada bar.
Now I'm doing
clam sh*ts.
[slurp]
- Raymond, so many clams.
You should try the crab cakes.
- Had 'em.
- And the little
eclairs were--
- Had 'em.
- Well, I'm amazed
at how much
I can get done in the morning
without your father.
I played bridge,
I jazzercized,
And, look, origami.
Mr. Sassa thinks I have
natural talents.
- What's this
made out of?
- Paper.
- Oh.
- And tomorrow we're making
lotus blossoms.
You should come.
- No, I don't know, ma.
Some scuttlebutt
about a pie buffet.
- And bingo
starts at 4:00.
- Oh, see, but I'm hanging
myself at 3:00.
- Come on. It'll be fun.
At least you could sit
with me for a little while.
- Nah.
- Marie!
Marie.
Here's me in my wedding dress.
- Oh, isn't that beautiful!
Dear, this is mary beth yarosh
from jazzercise.
- I'm ray from lynbrook.
- Mary beth's
on her honeymoon.
We've been working
on our glutes.
- To glute work.
- You know,
your mother's wonderful.
- Yeah?
- Oh, yeah. She gave me
some great advice
On how to have a long
and happy marriage.
- Really?
Long and happy?
- Yes!
She says it's important
to remember
You're not just his lover;
you're his best friend.
[both giggling]
She's so smart.
Thank you, marie.
- Oh, anytime, sweetheart.
And I'll see you
at tai chi, okay?
- You told her you and dad
were best friends?
- I also told her that
childbirth isn't that painful.
She's on her honeymoon.
She's got the rest of her life
to be disappointed.
- Okay.
Smile, you two.
- Ooh!
- That's a keeper, yes.
We put these on display
on the lido deck.
- I think you put that one
on the poop deck.
- So, uh...
What are you and, uh, mom
up to this afternoon?
- You know, she really is
my mother.
- See, well,
I wanted to play bingo,
But I'm not sure raymond
is up for it.
- Oh, well, you know, several
of our cruisers have told me
They would love to share
a bingo card with you, marie,
That is, if raymond
doesn't mind.
- Well, why would I mind?
She's my mother!
- Oh, well,
then, fantastic.
We'll set it right up.
- Oh, hi, walter.
- Marie, how are you,
my dear?
This must be raymond.
- Hey.
- Hello. I got to know your
mother this morning over bridge.
Nimble. Nimble mind.
Of course, I don't have
to tell you that.
- Oh, walter, stop.
- Yes, walter, stop.
- Marie, I'd be honored
if you'd be my partner tomorrow.
- Oh, it's a date.
- Great.
Your mother
is one terrific lady.
- Marie?
Marie, we're ready to practice.
Can you play these?
They're from
the "best of broadway."
- Oh, girls, we'll be better
than broadway.
Oh, raymond, you have to come
to the cabaret tonight.
- You know,
life is a cabaret.
[laughter]
Oh, don't mind us.
We're just a bunch
of merry widows, right, marie?
- That's us.
I-I'll see you later.
- Merry widows?
- Yeah, see, all their husbands
are dead.
- But you're not a widow.
[singing]
how can I be what I ain't?
I cain't
Say
No
[giggling, excited chatter]
- Thanks.
I appreciate your help.
I know there's a lot of other
things you'd rather be doing.
- That's okay, dad.
I understand.
The important thing is,
we got you there in time.
- Damn calzone.
Robert?
You're not going to
believe this.
- What, again?
All right, come on.
- Hurry!
- Okay.
- Grab the newspaper.
[light island music]
[bell ringing]
- Oh, yeah.
Ring a bell, and the whole world
comes running.
- I'm done.
Help me out of this thing.
- I got your macaroni and cheese
on the stove.
I got to stir it
'cause you like your cheese
evenly distributed.
[bell ringing]
- Now, please.
- That's it.
- What?
What are you doing?
What's the big idea?
- I'll get you out
when I'm good and ready.
- Well, I'm ready now.
- But I'm not.
- I am the father.
You are the son.
The son must serve
the father.
- Oh, yeah?
You want to be served?
All right.
I'll serve you.
But first...
I'm going to cook you.
- What?
What are you doing?
Robert.
- Oops.
Ha.
I didn't think
you'd be up.
- Do you have any idea
how late it is?
- I don't know, but who cares?
We're at sea.
- Where have you been?
- With my friends.
[giggles]
We sang "carousel"
And practically all of
"fiddler on the roof."
I was tevye.
- Friends?
Who, those merry widows?
- Uh-huh.
And ted and walter
and mary beth's husband.
We're all going
to the discotheque.
Now, what'd I do
with my evening purse?
Oh, here.
- Have you been drinking?
- No, but upstairs
they're setting up
A whiskey sour fountain.
- Who are you?
- What do you mean?
- You're--
you're acting all...
I don't know,
like a woo-woo party girl.
- I'm having fun.
Can't I have fun?
- I'm not saying
you can't.
I'm just saying it's a little...
Hard to watch.
- Well, I didn't know you
were paying any attention.
You seem so busy trying to get
on all the buffet lines.
- You got to get there early,
or they get picked over.
- Raymond, stop eating.
- "stop eating"?
See?
You've never said that
to me before.
- Come on.
Let's go dancing.
- No. No, I don't
want to dance.
I'm not a dancer.
- All right, then,
I'll see you later.
- Wait, wait, wait.
Ma, don't you think
You're overdoing it
a little, huh?
Take it easy.
Take a break.
Come on, we'll get something
to eat here.
Look, room service.
I got a tab running.
- I don't want
to stay in the room.
It's too small.
- Well, what's so special
about those people out there?
- Nothing.
They're just very nice.
They think I'm fun.
They think I'm interesting.
They like doing things with me.
They like me.
- I like you.
- Oh, I know you do,
raymond.
You know what?
We'll have room service
for breakfast tomorrow.
I won't stay out long.
- Mom?
- What?
- Maybe I'll--
I don't know...
I'll go with you.
- Oh, no,
that's all right, dear.
You don't have to.
- No.
I want to.
- You want
to go dancing?
- Well,
I don't know about that,
But--
but we can hang.
- Don't be--
don't be silly.
We'll fox-trot.
- Look. No, I don't know
how to do it.
- Yes, you do.
Yes, you do.
You remember
your cousin jean's wedding?
- I was 13.
- Yeah, but you were
very good.
Just follow me now.
It's step, step,
quick step.
Count with me.
- Step, step,
quick step.
- [humming]
- step, step, quick step.
I got it. I got it.
- See, raymond?
You're marvelous.
- Yeah, okay.
- [continues humming]
- No.
- Sure could go
for some pretzels.
I'll get them.
- [humming]
Hi, boys.
We're home.
- Marie!
My marie!
- What are you doing up?
You shouldn't be up, honey.
Sit down.
- I missed you so much!
- Oh!
Sit down.
Sit.
Oh...Poor chi chi.
Did you miss me?
- It's been hell
without you.
- Did robbie take
good care of you?
- Oh, yeah,
I took care of him,
all right.
He should be tender
to the bone.
- Thank you, robbie, dear.
- Hey.
- Hey.
How was your trip?
- Yeah, not bad.
I'll tell you
one thing:
If dad's the first to go,
mom's going to do just fine.
- Oh, yeah?
Well, if ma's
the first to go,
God help us all.
- Hey, hey, hold on.
I made this for you.
Yeah, it's...
- Huh.
- Yeah, it's oriental.
- Good. Thanks.
- Yeah.
- Putting on a few pounds
there, huh, cubby?
- Yeah, yeah.
03x17 - Cruising with Marie
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Ray is a successful sports writer and family man who deals with a brother and parents -- who happen to live across the street from him.
Ray is a successful sports writer and family man who deals with a brother and parents -- who happen to live across the street from him.