04x16 - The Tenth Anniversary

[bunniefuu]

- That was really
a great dinner, huh?

- Yeah, yeah.

Happy anniversary.

Hey, you know what
I was thinking?

- Hmm?

- Since this is
our tenth anniversary,

Why don't we let
the kids stay

At grandma's
and grandpa's all night,

If you know what I mean?

- Hey, hey, we could watch
our wedding video.

- I guess you don't know
what I mean.

- No.
Come on.

- Why?
Why? Why?

- Well, for one thing,
watching our wedding video

Might make tonight
seem like our honeymoon.

- Gimme.
Sit down.

You don't know how
to use this.

You never did, really.

Can we fast-forward

Through the chicken dance,
please?

Unless this turns you on...

[mumbles "chicken dance"]

- You can save that
for later.

- Hmm.
- Oh.

Oh, see, I love this.
Isn't this romantic?

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Right.

- Oh, look who I get.

- Oh.

What, did you
hit something?

Did you hit something?

- No, no,
it's still going.

- Then why am I
seeing football?

- I--I don't know.

- Where did our wedding go?

- Well, something
must be wrong here.

- Oh, my god.

You taped football
over my wedding.

- All right, please--
- what did you do, ray?

What the hell
did you do?

- No.

Come on,
don't get excited.

- What? It's football.
It's still football, ray.

- Yeah, but it's
the bills-giants super bowl.

- I don't care.
You give me that.

Oh, my god.
Look at this.

My god,
it's the whole thing, ray.

- Oh, right. Oh, yeah.
The kids tape football, ray.

The last thing they put
in the vcr was lemon chicken.

- See, I'd never do that,

Because I love your
lemon chicken--

I want my wedding.
This is football.

- No, you give me
my wedding back.

I guess the tape
wasn't marked correctly.

- Oh, the tape wasn't
marked correctly?

You don't think that tape
was marked correctly?

What is this big white label
that says,

"our wedding"
in gold trim?

- Did it always
say that?

- Why would you use
this tape?

I don't know.
The game was nine years ago.

Maybe, you know,
the guys might have been over,

Somebody said, "hey,
you should be taping this."

And you know me,

I was just trying
to be a good host.

I said, "hey, that's a good
idea, someone else."

Hey, you know something,
I have an idea.

Next time, if you have
something on tape

That you like
and you want to save it,

You--you see this--
you see the tab right there?

You just pop it out;
you pop the tab out.

And then--then
the machine knows,

"oh, you must
really like that.

I won't tape over it.
I won't."

You just pop it out.
You pop the tab out.

[sighs]

Okay, ten years.
That's enough.

- Raymond.

- Oh, good morning.

- Everything all right,
dear?

- Yeah, yeah, just--

The anniversary was so exciting,
you know,

I--I needed a break.

That's all.

- Eggs, marie.

Scrambled.

And they've been looking
a little pale lately.

Stop holding back on the yolks.

- I'm not holding back.

- I'm on to you.

Daddy wants his yolks.

- You get every yolk,
frank.

What possible reason would I
have for prolonging your life?

- Is robert up yet?

- You mean hopalong?

- He was gored by a bull,
frank.

He can't help it.

- When is he going to get rid
of that walker?

I mean, I got stuck behind him
twice today:

The stairs and the bathroom.

- Thanks for shoving past me
on the steps, dad.

- You were in the the fast lane.

Get over to the right.

- Robert, did you find him?

- Bad news, ray.
The guy's in prison.

- Prison?
- Who? Who's in prison?

- James lemus, the guy
who videoed ray's wedding.

He went from doing
wedding videos

To honeymoon videos

Without the consent
of the honeymooners.

- What about his old tapes?

I got to get my original.

- All gone, raymond,
impounded and destroyed.

- Okay, then.
Mom, can I live here?

- Of course you can, dear.

What did debra do?

- She's having a bad reaction

To me accidentally taping
over our wedding video.

- Oh, my god.

- Holy crap.

- I don't understand.

What would you tape
over your wedding?

- Football.

- Sports?

Sports?

- It was the super bowl, ma.

- It doesn't matter
if it was a super-duper bowl.

It's still sports.

- I know.

- Hey, good work, ray.

Now when some broad
starts yapping...

[in high voice]
"you're never romantic,"

Guys everywhere can say,
"hey, you think I'm bad?

At least I didn't pull
a ray barone."

- I must say,
I'm surprised, raymond.

You're not usually
so thoughtless

And inconsiderate.

He gets this
from you, frank.

- At least I didn't pull
a ray barone.

- All right.
I'll see you.

- Where are you going?

- I don't know.

Maybe walk by the river.

- You have to make this right,
raymond.

- Well, the tape's gone, ma.

What do you want me to do,

Staple our wedding photos
together

And make a flip book?

- Well, I'll tell you
what I would like

If I were debra.

- I'd like it
if you were debra.

- Oh, frank.

- What, what?
Tell me, ma, what?

- Renew your wedding vows.

- Yeah, and then you can
videotape that.

That's a great idea, ma.

That's just like what
my civil w*r buddies do.

- What your civil w*r buddies do
is get drunk and pee outside.

- You know what
the southerners do?

- Oh, stop it, frank.

We're talking about
a beautiful thing,

A wedding,

A renewal of commitment
and love, frank.

Love.
You understand love?

- By all means, ray,
hurry up and renew this.

- I don't know, ma.
It all seems kind of--

- You have taken
debra's wedding away.

And no matter what people
may say about her,

She's still a woman.

And you don't take that away
from a woman.

The only thing you need
to worry about

Is if she ever forgives you
for what you've done.

- But I--I guess
she'll like it,

But I don't know anything
about this renewal stuff.

- Leave it all to me.

I'll handle
all the arrangements.

- Yeah?

- Yes, I would do that.

- Okay, all right.

- Oh, uh, marie,

I would like to renew
my breakfast order:

Eggs!

- Oh, good.
I'm glad you're up.

I got some good news,
and I got some bad news.

The bad news is that
if you like being mad at me,

You're out of luck,
m'lady.

The good news is,

I couldn't get
the tape back,

Which I know sounds
like bad news

But actually is good news,

Because if
that tape existed,

We wouldn't be able
to get married again.

- What are you doing?

- I've been thinking
about it all night.

Let's renew our vows.

- Look, I took your wedding
away from you,

And--and--and I know
you're a woman,

And you don't take that
away from a woman.

So let me give it
back to you.

- You know,
just forget it, ray.

The tape is gone.
I'll get over it.

- I know you will,
but this will be faster.

Come on, let's do this.
I feel bad.

I was thoughtless
and--and careless,

And I want to
make it up to you.

And it's our tenth anniversary.

We should do
something special.

We'll invite friends over,
we'll get dressed up,

Have music and flowers,

And--oh, you won't have
to do a thing.

And--and a priest,
we'll get one of those.

And we'll write new vows.

Then we'll videotape those,

And we'll pop the tab out
of that right away.

I just want to do this,
because...

Because.

I had a good idea?

- It's wonderful, ray.

I mean, you would really
get up in front of people

And recite new vows for me?

- Sure. Yeah, yeah.

Okay, this is good.

I'm so glad
you're happy.

- But you know what?
I just thought of something.

- Your mom's gonna want
to plan the whole thing.

- And that would be bad?
- Ray.

- Yeah, I know.
It's bad. It's bad.

- So you're doin' this
all yourself, huh, ray?

- Yeah, yeah,
debra wants me to.

It doesn't count
unless I go through hell.

Stupid.
Stupid renewal.

- So what do you got so far?

- Uh, I'm working
on a motif.

- Oh, motif.
How fancy.

- Yeah, they talk
about it in here.

- Where'd you get all these
wedding magazines?

- From the newsstand.
It was so embarrassing.

I had to buy some porn
just to even it out.

- "the best weddings
have a centralized theme."

Hey, you know
what would be great?

Cupid.

- Cupid?

- Yeah, yeah,
it's a little naked angel.

You know.
He shoots you.

Ah, it's cute.

- That's a horrible motif.

- What?
It's perfect.

He can be flying
around the room.

Hey, you know
what you could do?

You could
dress up the twins.

Put little wings
on their back.

They'd come by--
- all right, stop it.

No.
It's not gonna be cupid.

That's lame.

- All right, so what's
your brilliant idea?

- An english garden.

- English garden?

- That's right, yeah.

- Whoo, whoo.
Hey.

Party.
English garden.

- Hey, it's classy,
you neanderthal.

"it brings sophistication
and elegance to any party."

Okay?

Yeah, what does cupid bring?

A bow and arrow
and a bare a*s.

- Okay, great.

- It goes with my whole idea
of a Sunday tea.

- What do you mean, tea?
There's no dinner?

- No, it's a tea.

That's it.
There's gonna be hors d'oeuvres.

- Okay, so your motif
really is,

"I'm a cheap b*stard."

- Hey, come on,
let's go.

- Put the game on.
It's almost time.

- Hey, you're another two.

Did you get an invitation?

- Yeah, yeah,
I got it.

- So, robert,
how's your a*s?

- Upper thigh.

- [laughs]
upper thigh, sure.

- Yeah, yeah.
Never mind that.

Never mind.
Are you comin'?

- If I have to.
- Yes, you have to.

- Why don't you renew
the bachelor party?

- You're coming.
- Is there food?

- Hors d'oeuvres.
- Hors d'oeuvres? I'm out.

- Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.

Some hors d'oeuvres
are good.

- Well, a couple things,
you know, like, uh...

Those chicken-on-a-stick
things.

- Ooh, satay.

- Hey, ray, can we get
those stuffed mushrooms?

- I don't know.
You like those?

- You got 'em,
I'll eat 'em.

- What about for those of us
who have a bit of a sweet tooth?

- And a bit
of a fat stomach?

- I'm trying--
I'm gonna go with

These chocolate-dipped
strawberries.

- Chocolate
and strawberry.

That's an excellent
flavor combo.

- Oh, my god.

The strawberries wearing
the little tuxedo shirts.

- Come on, really?
They don't do that.

- Sure they do.

It's dark chocolate
all around, right?

With a white-chocolate front

And little buttons
and a bowtie.

- Really?
- That's adorable.

- Why don't you three dip
each other in chocolate?

What about, like,
a little chocolate top hat?

- Like chocolate clothing.
- Excellent, yes.

Or what if we use
a different berry?

- How about a kiwi?

All: Yeah.

- Raymond, what is this?

- Hey, I need that.
- What is this?

It looks like an invitation
to your renewal ceremony.

- Yes, that's what it is.

- I thought I was supposed
to take care

Of all of this, raymond.

- So is that your rsvp?

[playing "close to you"]

- Hey, gerard.
Gerard, you know anything else?

[plays "smoke on the water"]

Okay, stop.
Go back to the other one.

The other one's better.

[plays "close to you"]

- Ray, ray.

Ray.

Ray, did you see this?

Did you see
the strawberries?

They have regular ties
instead of bowties.

- Yes, I know.
That's what I ordered.

- Well, nobody told me.

- [laughs]
hi.

Frank, make way
for my lasagna.

- No, no.

Mom, I don't--
I don't need lasagna.

Please.
I have hors d'oeuvres.

- Well, then why don't
I just k*ll myself?

- And then--then--
where's the florist?

I ordered lilies
of the valley.

I don't see any
lilies of the valley.

- I see a p*nsy
of the family.

- Ha-ha, funny.
Come on, stop.

- Raymond, you really have done
a wonderful job.

- Thank you,
father hubley.

- Looks like a lot of work.

You must have really screwed up.

- Oh, it's pretty.

- Yeah, can you believe
daddy pulled this off

All by himself?

- Hmm.
Yes, I did.

- All right, everybody,
shall we get started?

[gerard plays "close to you"]

- That's enough, gerard.

- I would like
to welcome all of you

To raymond and debra's
beautiful home.

- [giggles]

- We are gathered here today

To witness a renewal
of love and commitment

Between husband and wife.

And in our presence
and in the sight of god,

They will now share vows
they each have written.

- Go ahead, raymond.

- Ladies first.

- All right.
Debra?

- Okay.

Um, well, when--
when ray first came to me

With this idea,
I was very touched.

I'm really glad to have
this chance to tell people

How I feel about you.

- Oh, boy.

- I don't know how well
I've always lived up

To my vow to love, honor,
and cherish you.

So just in case
I haven't always shown it,

I want you
to know that I do.

With all my heart, I do.

And I want to add
something else to that list.

[clears throat]
all right.

- And that is to thank you.

For the kids,
for your love,

For our life together,

I thank you.

- Raymond.

- Um...

You're welcome.

- Your vows,
raymond.

- I am so happy to be here
on this occasion.

Love is in the air.

Today I consider myself...

The luckiest man...

On the face
of the earth.

Okay, I forgot
the vows.

But that doesn't mean
that I don't care about you

Because of that,
and--and because

I taped football
over our wedding video.

- You taped football
over your wedding video?

- Yes, I made a mistake.

- You said you were going
to recite vows to me.

- Okay, I know.

I know,
but we had your vows,

And, oh, they
were beautiful.

And--and I didn't really
hear 'em all,

Because I was in my head going
"idiot, idiot, idiot, idiot."

But--but, you know, luckily,
robert videotaped 'em,

And we can
enjoy 'em later.

- You never told me
to tape it.

- Okay, but, but, but--

Honey, look at all
the decorating

That I did here.

I--there's
stuffed mushrooms here,

And, see, look,
there's flowers everywhere,

And there were supposed to be
lilies of the valley here.

But the napkins,
they match the tablecloth.

I did that.

All right.

I'm sorry.

- Lilies of the valley?

- Yeah, that's your
favorite flower, right?

- You remembered?

But the damn florist,
he didn't bring it.

- You remembered
my flower.

- Kiss the bride.

Kiss her.
Kiss her now.

[applause]

By the way,
if I may ask...

What game was it?

- It was the '91 super bowl.
Bills and giants.

- Oh, good game,
good game.

- I know, I know.
I still have it on tape.

But we're not--
that's not why we're here.

We're not here for that.

- I'm so excited.

The famous last-second
field goal.

Even though I know what happens,
I'm so excited.

- Keep it down,
my friend.

Keep it down.

- This was the greatest moment
of my life.

- Shut up.
Here it comes.

- I do.

- Oh.

- Why am I watching a wedding?

Bring back
my super bowl.

[together]
come on.

- He missed it,
all right?

We know he missed it.

Hey, we know what happens,
all right?

- I forgot.

- We know how this ends.