03x11 - Do You Know Where Your Parents Are?

[bunniefuu]

What kind of theater is this?

You're in Camelot
but have no lines?

I got a line...

"Enter, Lancelot,
the queen awaits."

That's it?

I don't say it, he don't
come on, there's no play.

Oh, you know Phil Hanley?

From Hanley's sporting goods?

Yeah. He's Lancelot.

He's backstage
with Shirley Clemens.

From Tastee Freeze?

Yeah. Queen Guinevere.

Anyway, they don't
know I'm there.

They're into some
serious tongue jousting.

I thought he was doing it

with that girl
in the Quik-Foto booth.

I hear they almost

knocked that sucker over.

You want to know something else?

Bill Cheevers, who's done
make-up the last years...

Lives with his mother?

I know all about him.

Totally straight.

Get out of here.

Hetero from the word go.

Hold that thought. Got
to yell at the girls.

I said if you came home
late I'd kick your butt!

Think you're big enough?
Let's go.

Come on! Come on!

Come on!

What's going on?

The girls are late.

Why do we bother
setting any curfew?

They just come home
when they want.

They're just a little late.

An hour late, and they
don't even care

that we're worried sick
about them.

Gin.

Yeah, you're real worried.

We're setting rules,
and they're ignoring us.

And it's for their own good.

A lot can happen
to two teenage girls

an hour after the mall closes.

That's why we want them here.

We just don't
want them out there.

You want some coffee, Dan?

Sure.

Run!

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Where the hell you been?

We're really sorry.

About what?

That you didn't come
home when we said to,

that you never learned
how to use a phone?

Or that you may never see
the light of day again?

That'd be the one.

It's only : .

Meaning you're an hour late.

You're always an hour late.

Well, then...

We're on time.

We said : ,
we meant : .

Yeah, 'cause we have
this really crazy idea

that you actually listen
when we speak.

When you're late,

we figure there's a reason.

If we're not hearing
that reason from you,

we make up our own reason,

like you're laying
in a ditch somewhere.

We would have called,

but there was
no phone in the ditch.

Ha ha?

You're grounded.

Ha ha.

And you're home tomorrow night,

and you're very, very sorry.

Am I right?

Yes. We didn't mean
to make you worry.

It'll never happen again.

All right.
Get upstairs.

Boy, you grounded them
real good that time.

Thank you, thank you.

Think it'll work?

As good as it did
the last times.

Maybe you should
try something else.

I mean it.

You should talk to them
like they're adults.

They're people.
They can listen to reason.

Honey, Jackie's still here.

Just smile and nod.

Come on!
This is good advice.

Hey, what-cha doing?

I'm packing D.J.'s
duffel bag.

He's staying over
at Warren's house tonight.

You think that's a good idea?

Didn't Warren tie all
those squirrels together?

No! That was D.J.

Little Warren just stunned them.

[Doorbell chimes]

Honey, get that, would you?

Sure. Why not?

I have nothing else
to do, god knows...

Except for trying to pack
a bag for D.J.

You come in like you're
going to say "jump,"

and I'm supposed to go,
"how high?"

Mrs. Conner?

Yeah?

Flowers for you.

What's the catch, I
have to buy something?

No. You just
take them.

Ok.

Did you send me flowers, Dan?

No. Why would I
do that?

Right. Like, you'd
never be romantic enough

to do something
like that for no reason.

"Dear Roseanne, I lied.

They're from me.
Love, Dan."

You scum!

I love you, too, dear.

Why'd you do this?

Let me paint the picture.

years ago today,

I picked you up
in my dad's El Camino,

a little Zeppelin
on the eight-track,

a little Boone's Farm Apple

warming up
in the glove compartment.

Our first date.

No. Our first date was a
motorcycle in the A&W drive-in.

This is the anniversary
of our first...

Time.

Our second date!

No!

As I recall, I was
able to fend you off

just a little bit longer.

I remember driving to that
quaint little restaurant.

The Blue Swan cafe.

Yes. Nestled in the heart
of the Blue Swan motel

out there on highway .

I had a New York steak.

You had the shrimp cocktail
and chicken Parmesan.

I thought that was so chic.

The guy said,
"for the lady."

He meant me, and I was
really excited about that.

That was the night I asked
you to be my girlfriend.

You said you'd make me
the happiest girl

in the whole USA.

Mom, the toilet's broken.

Liar.

Anyhow, remember how we said

we'd be more crazy
and spontaneous?

Well, tonight I booked
two dinner reservations

at the Blue Swan cafe.

Oh, how romantic!

I hope we get that same booth,

the one with the view
of the interstate.

And just the scent
of diesel in the air.

It's getting so's I can
hardly smell a truck anymore

without thinking of you.

- Bye.
- Hi.

Where you going?
You're grounded.

No. We were late
on Thursday,

so we were grounded last night.

Tonight, we are free.

Ok, so where you going?

Me and Dana are
going to the mall.

They're taking me to Marcy's.

Ok, since it's Saturday,
you've got till : .

We'll be home early
to check, so...

One minute late,

and we'll have
your butts in a sling.

You look real nice, mom.

Thank you. : .

Not nice,
thin! Thin!

Tell me about the first
time you ever saw me.

You were coming
out of study hall,

and you were wearing
those tight corduroys,

and they were making this sound

like they were calling my name.

"Dan Conner,

"Dan Conner,

Dan Conner."

Steak for you...

Chicken Parmesan for you.

minutes for a rare steak.

I'd ask for steak sauce,

but I got to be at work
Monday morning.

It's : . We won't be
home till after : .

Call home. Tell the
girls we'll be late.

Ok.

No.

What do you mean, no?

Well, this grounding stuff

doesn't seem to be working,

so let them worry
about us for a while.

I'll tell Jackie to freak
them out for a while.

Later she can tell them
what's really going on.

Lady, you have an evil mind.

And a body to match.

What was the second thing

you noticed about me?

What, what, what?

Oh, those big brown eyes,

like two chained dobermans
waiting to rip your leg off.

Good, good, good.
Keep going.

Uh-uh. It's your turn. What
did you like about me?

The fact that you asked me out.

What else?

That's about it.

So if Tommy Jorgensen
would've asked you out,

you'd be
Mrs. Tommy Jorgensen?

Like Tommy Jorgensen
would've ever asked me out!

Get off the sympathy wagon!

Plenty of guys were
standing in line

for you to treat them like dirt.

I was just the lucky one.

Now I remember what I
liked about you...

You could spread it on so thick.

Come on, Roseanne,

what about me made you quiver?

I'd have to say
it was the forearms.

Really?

Yeah.

There were
the biggest, manliest,

meatiest hunks of flesh
I ever laid eyes on.

The pythons, huh?

I remember sneaking
looks at you in class,

and you'd start rolling
your sleeve up slow

just to tease me.

It was all I could do

to keep from climbing
over all those desks

and just throwing you
to the floor.

You know, since we're
not rushing home,

maybe after dinner we could see

if they got our old room vacant.

Oh! I never thought
I'd say this, Dan,

but let's skip dessert.

Darlene!

minutes isn't much!

Don't sweat it.
They're not home.

Then I'm not late, right?

Don't worry, Darlene.
I wouldn't rat on you.

You know, now that
you mention it, though,

it is kind of strange
they're not back yet.

I didn't mention it.

I wonder where they could be.

You want some ice cream?

Sure.

What are you doing here?

A load of laundry.

Nah. I'm sure
they're ok.

Ow! Ooh! Ow!

Oh, they're not home yet.

Oh. Cool.

Roseanne?
Oh, Becky.

Yeah. Hi.

Hi.

What's she doing here?

Laundry. Don't worry,
she won't tell.

It's weird they're not here.

After that whole deal
about curfew,

I thought I'd be grounded
before opening the door.

This is the stuff they live for.

Here you go.

Thanks.

You're not having any?

No. I'm...

Not really hungry
all of a sudden.

So, you girls have fun tonight?

Yeah.

It was ok.

What did you do?

Well, I...

I'm going to go
make a phone call.

Crystal? Hi.

Yeah, I know it's late.
I'm sorry.

Uh, have you heard
from Roseanne?

Yeah.

Ok.

Sure. Yeah, thanks.

Bye-bye.

Crystal says hi.

Aunt Jackie, what's going on?

It's not like your folks
to be this late.

Maybe their car
broke down again.

Yeah.
That's probably it.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Oh, boy, this is the kind
of night that cops hate.

A lot of accidents.

But I'm sure they're ok.

I wonder what's
taking them so long.

You don't think there's
a problem, do you?

So, what do you want to do now?

What did we do years ago?

Let's see.

You were in the bathroom

putting on a fresh coat
of white lipstick.

And you were out
on the pay phone

bragging to your buddies.

I still do that.

I remember... we filled up
that huge bathtub

and played voyage to
the bottom of the sea.

Yeah!
You kept going,

"Ow-oo-gah!
Ow-oo-gah!"

Let's do that again.

Ok. This time I get
to be Captain Nemo.

Heave-ho!

No towel-snapping.

I'm not making any promises.

Say, would you look at that?

Boy, that tub got a lot smaller.

It's really icing up out there.

Why are they out so late?

You getting worried?

No.

You?

No.

How long could it take
to eat dinner?

If they were going to
be this late,

how come they didn't call?

This is so weird,

'cause they were
just saying they worry

when we're late.

And here we are
worrying about them.

Incredible coincidence
or a lesson for the kiddies?

You make the call.

Aunt Jackie's doing laundry
at : on Saturday?

But there's no laundry.

Oh, well, I just can't
believe that one.

Isn't this just a little
bit too cutesy for them?

They've been watching
too much TV.

So aunt Jackie is just here

to make sure we worry.

Well, we can't let her
down now, can we?

Still no sign of them, eh?

Mm-mmm. I got to
admit, guys,

I'm starting to get worried.

That's it. I'm
calling the police.

No, no.
We can't do that.

Why not?

You'd have to say it was
a missing persons thing,

and they don't like that.

But maybe mom and
dad are missing.

Well, they're not
missing enough.

They have to be missing
for hours

before the cops will do
that missing person thing.

If they're not missing,
then what are they?

I mean, even mom and dad

can't eat dinner for four hours.

Oh, my god!

They could be dead!

Let's not go crazy here.

They're dead!

They're big giant street pizzas,

and they're out on
the highway all squishy!

Those wheels
running over them...

Squish! Squish!

Mommy, daddy!

Are we done now?

But we're so worried.

You are rotten, rotten kids,

and I can't even believe
I'm related to you two!

Oh, does that mean
you won't adopt us?

What will become of us, Darlene?

We'll be orphans.

♪ The sun
will come out ♪

♪ tomorrow ♪

You two are very funny.

♪ Bet your
bottom dollar... ♪

Knock it off!

So your mom's little
idea didn't work.

That's fine.

Why don't we discuss this
curfew thing as adults, ok?

All right.

Um...

Let's see.

All right.
First of all,

don't think of curfew
as a punishment.

See, your parents don't
think of it that way.

To them, it's a way
of showing their concern.

So, think of curfew
as your parents' way

of saying I love you.

I curfew, Darlene.

Well, I curfew, too, Beck.

All right, that's it.

Upstairs!
You're grounded.

You're rotten, rotten,
rotten, rotten kids!

♪ Tomorrow ♪

♪ tomorrow... ♪

What are you doing?
You took extra cheese.

Cheese fell off my slice.

I put it back on.

It pulled cheese off this piece.

Eat the other piece.

I want the one with
the brown bubble on it!

You're not getting my cheese.

Dan.

What?

Well, we could be having
this argument at home,

and it wouldn't cost
bucks an hour.

What, you want to go home?

I don't know.
Do you?

No! We can't
go home yet.

This is a romantic thing.

We're celebrating a great
moment in our life.

Ok.

Hey, Bonanza's on!

No.

But that was the one

where Hoss finds
the leprechauns.

We're not watching TV.

Well, what do you want to do?

Hey.

The vibrating bed.

Oh, yeah. I forgot how
much I used to love that.

Remember? We couldn't
get enough of it

and we only had two quarters?

And one was for the wine.

Only the best for my baby.

Should I crank it up?

Crank away, my bishop of love.

Yee-hee!

Ride 'em, cowboy!

Whoo! This is awesome!

Dan?

Yeah?

I'm going to throw up!

Hurry!

Let's go home.

Maybe we're getting
too old for this.

No, no. It was
great, honey.

Great as the last time?

Better.

Do you know why?

'Cause this time we're in love.

I was in love the other time.

Me, too.

Thanks for walking me
to my door, Mr. Conner.

You're welcome, miss Harris.

Are you ever going to
call me again,

or is it just

"wham, bam,
thank you, Roseanne"?

Don't say that.
You're my girl.

I want to tell you something

I never told anybody before.

This was my first time.

I know.

How about a good night kiss?

Oh, maybe one.

One more.

Oh, ok.

Remember that night when
we played one more kiss

for about half an hour?

The door opened,
and it was my dad?

In his underwear.

He was reading us the riot act.

Daddy's not here now.

Where have you been?

Do you know what time it is?

Couldn't you pick up a phone?

We thought you were
dead in a ditch.

I don't think our
ploy worked, dear.

I know... let's try
something new.

You're grounded!

Do we have to...

Hey, hey!

Let us in!

Hey, come on!

It's cold!

That's what we needed all along.

Now they can't wait
to come home.

Let us in!

Come on!

Come on!
Let us in!