03x22 - Second Time Around

[bunniefuu]

Is it a boy or a girl?

Wait for the ring
to start moving.

Side to side's a boy.

Up and down's a girl.

I don't want to know.

Well, then don't look.

Well, only tell me
if it's a girl.

Side to side.

It's a boy.

Oh, I wanted a girl.

Well, you should have laid
the other way.

This is stupid.

You're right.

Let's do it the scientific way.

Let me look at your butt.

What are you talking about?

It's a scientific fact.

If it's a flat pancake butt,

it's a girl,

and if it's a bubble butt,

it's a boy.

I am not going
to show you my butt.

Come on. Just do it.

God, mom.
Get a life.

We're just trying to figure out

the sex of Crystal's baby.

Who cares?

It's just going to be
another screaming, whining,

bratty, little life-sucking
poop machine.

You still want her to babysit?

Hey.

Hey.
Hey. Hey.

What are we going
to name this baby?

Well, we have a tradition
in our family.

My grandmother was Ruby,
and my mother was Amber,

and I'm Crystal, so I was
thinking that this must stop.

Well, don't give it some
dorky name like Becky.

What's wrong with
your dorky name?

It's like a chicken noise.

It's like Becky,
Beck-Beck-Becky.

You're lucky.
It was the seventies.

You could have been named
Frampton or Chablis.

Well, I got to go.

Help me.

Oh.

Mom, look.

I ate my pop-tart into
the shape of a g*n.

Boom, boom.

I definitely want a girl.

You better tell that
to your butt.

Oh, Roseanne.

Remember, Lamaze class
tomorrow night.

I'll be there.

Bye.

Wait. You're her
Lamaze coach?

What happened to ed?

I'm just a backup in case
the baby comes early

or Ed's out of town.

I'll deliver my baby in
a pool of warm water.

That's the gentlest way
to deliver a baby.

And I imagine
it keeps the swimmers

out of the shallow end.

I'm telling you. You got hurt.
You should sue.

I'm fine, Arnie.

You're lucky you're alive.

What happened, Dan?
Are you ok?

Nothing. No, it's ok.

I had a little accident
at the job site.

You were almost k*lled.

It was great.

Dad.

I got in the way
of a wrecking ball.

That's so lame.
Tell them the good part.

Ok, I'll tell them.

So Dan is sitting
in the Porto-Johnny

minding his own business,

and the wrecking ball
comes in, and bam!

Knocked that sucker feet.

I measured it.

Did you see a doctor?

It's just a couple bruises.

It could be like a concussion.

No. I got a hard head.

Does it hurt, dad?

Get away from there.

I'm more embarrassed
than anything else.

I crawled out with
my pants around my ankles

and there's people
standing staring at me.

It was really an awkward moment.

Fortunately I had
the presence of mind

to start the applause.

Don't you owe us money?

I got to go.

Hey.

Hey.

What are you eating?

Salami and peppers.

One brush with death a day
isn't enough for you?

I live on the edge.

You want a bite?

Wuss.

What are you doing up?

I couldn't sleep,

so I thought I'd go
over some bills.

Maybe what happened today's
keeping you awake.

Nah.

You weren't like worried something
more serious could happen?

Nope.

So that's our will there, huh?

Ok, I was curious about
what might happen

to my wife and family

if I hadn't been so lucky.

Come on. It's the
middle of the night.

Honey, I think we
should talk about this.

What would happen if we
went at the same time,

like in a plane crash?

We never go anywhere, Dan.

A plane would actually have
to crash into the sofa.

We haven't changed
this will in years.

Darlene and D.J.
Aren't in here.

We left Becky to Ziggy.

He was the most responsible
person we knew at the time.

He had his own Texaco card.

What were we thinking?

We were thinking anybody
but our parents.

Come on.
Let's go to bed now.

How can you go to sleep

knowing the kids
aren't taken care of?

Like they're taken care
of when we're awake?

Come on, Dan.
I'm tired.

I really think we
should deal with this.

All right.

We'll decide who gets the kids.

Now...

Who do we really hate?

Who did we get up to?

Do you still want
to be cremated?

Yeah.

Not right now.

You know, 'cause it is
pretty complicated.

First I got to find the urn,

then I got to find the matches.

I was hoping you'd die
on a Thursday

when it's trash day.

I'll try to expire
near the curb, dear.

You know, when I die,

I don't want one of these
funerals where everybody cries.

I want you to throw
a great big party.

Oh, we will, dear.

Morning.

Hey.

Hey, girls.

So, which of us
inherits this dump?

What, were you eavesdropping?

Well, you've been yakking
about it all night.

And face it, Mom,

you've got a voice
that can bend steel.

Yeah, well, we decided
that when we die

we're dividing everything
between the three of you.

I just want the cash.

It has sentimental value.

Don't drink out
of the milk carton.

What are you doing up so early?

I started jogging again.

I ran all the way over here.

Good for you.

I'm just going to rest
here for a second,

and then you can
drive me back home.

I'm going to work.
You want a lift?

No. I'm going to get
breakfast first.

It is the most important
mooch of the day.

You be careful.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You got any oat bran
or shredded wheat or...

Oh, cocoa puffs.

Well, I'm out
of here, too. Bye.

Bye. Don't die.

I'll do my best.

What's that?

Your will?

Yeah. We were up
all night

figuring out who gets
the kids if we die.

That's got to be fun.

Don't worry.
You're off the hook.

D.J. took my keys

and locked himself in my truck.

Can I use yours?

They're in my purse.

Why did he do that?

He doesn't want me going to work.
"I'll be k*lled."

Oh, man.

Don't worry. I'll talk to him.
He'll be fine.

What did that mean,
I'm off the hook?

Oh, yeah.

We decided we'll leave the
kids with Crystal and Ed.

Why don't I get the kids?

You get the washer and dryer.

We didn't want to separate them.

No, I'm serious.

I'm closer to those kids
than anybody.

I know, but you're
a single woman.

Well, a lot of single
women raise families.

Yeah, I know,

but they do it from the
time that they're babies.

Roseanne, I have been
there since day one.

Since they were babies.

You're trying to tell
me I couldn't do it.

No, we just didn't
want to burden you.

Which is a really nice way

of saying you don't trust me.

Hey, you'll thank me
when I'm dead.

Jack.

King.

You win.

Let's play again.

Don't you have homework
to do or something?

I want to stay with you.

Ok. You getting hungry?

Yeah.

I guess I ought to
get dinner started.

Becky!

.

.

- w*r!
- w*r!

Yeah, dad?

You know where mom
put that casserole?

Yeah. It's in
the refrigerator.

I looked. I couldn't
find it in there.

Geez, it's right here.

I guess I'll put it
in the microwave.

Ok.

Hey, um...

Could you hand me
the aluminum foil?

What for?

You're supposed to keep
it covered, aren't you?

Dad, you can't put metal
in the microwave.

I was just going
to use a little.

Just forget it.
I'll do it.

Thanks, honey.

What are you guys doing?

Getting ready to set the table.

Do you know where mom
keeps the forks?

I'm not dumb enough to
fall for that stupid move.

Hey, don't call him stupid.

I didn't.

Yes, you did.

Shut up.

You shut up, Darlene.

Whoa, whoa.
Hold on, k*ller.

Deej, why don't you get
washed up for dinner?

Ok, dad.
I'll be right back.

What was that?

Since I got home, he won't
let me out of his sight.

Dad, he's crazy.

He's showing concern,

which is more than
I can say for others

considering what happened
to me yesterday.

You were sitting
in a Porto-crapper

that got nailed
by a wrecking ball.

I didn't take one shot.

Now, that is love.

I'm sorry.
Thank you, dear.

Oh, right. Suck up
for the inheritance.

Ok, in through the nose,
abdomen, chest, shoulders.

Fill up with air.

Exhale.
Think of letting go.

Keep the breathing moving.

Coaches, help mom relax.

So anyways, Jackie gets
all bent out of shape,

like trying to make
me feel all guilty.

She can't take care of
three kids, you know?

Have you ever seen her fridge?

She's got one egg and a
can of Margarita mix.

Coaches, a little word
of encouragement for mom.

Atta girl, Crystal.

Ok, let's take
a little time out here.

I'm sure you've been
thinking of questions

since the last class.

Anybody?

This is my first baby.

I was wondering how long
it takes to push it out?

years.

I take it you've got kids?

Yeah.
Two or three.

Did you use natural childbirth?

Well...

Kind of, but actually
there's a story

that goes along with this.

Get off me, Crystal.

Oh, no, Roseanne.

You're not going
to scare them, are you?

We'll see what I say.

Ok, now, my first kid,
they just knocked me out,

so I didn't feel anything.

Then they hand me the baby.

She's now...
Blonde and thin.

I don't think she's mine.

But, uh...

Anyway, then when I had
my third kid,

I hadn't lost any weight
from my second kid

or from my first kid,

so they were trying to give me

this local deal and everything,

but I kept feeling pain,

so I keep on begging
for more dr*gs

until finally the doctor
comes over and goes,

"I'm sorry, Mrs. Conner,

"but if we give you
any more dr*gs,

it's going to k*ll
your baby."

So I thought about it
for a while and, uh...

Then I said,
"ok. No dr*gs,

but just hit me
with a sledgehammer."

Of course he wouldn't,

so I ended up feeling
the whole thing.

Was your husband there?

Yeah. He had taken
the classes,

so they had to let him in.

But all in all,
I'm glad he was there.

This is all your idea.
I hate you!

Let go!

Oh, god. It hurts.

Breathe.

It helped before,
but it's not helping now.

You're not doing it.
Honey, breathe.

How's she doing?

Contractions are a minute apart.

And she's at centimeters.

centimeters.

You hear that, Roseanne?
Way to dilate.

Oh, god, you're such an idiot.

Your mouth dry, Rosie?

You want a Tab?

Get her out of here.

Jackie, why don't you go
get some ice?

Ok.

I'm sorry I'm being
so mean to you, Dan.

You're not, honey.

You're being mean to Jackie.

That's why I brought her.

I can't stand it.
I got to push.

Not till the doctor gets here.

Now, come on, blow.

Ok, ok, it passed.

You're pushing.

No, I'm not.

Yes, you are.

If you're not going to do
this right, let's forget it.

All right.
We'll just go home.

God, you're such a moron.

Oh, god.
This is horrible.

What's happening to me?

Either you're having a baby,

or you ate the hospital food.

Oh, god, no.
Not a funny doctor.

Just a little more
now, Roseanne.

Get this thing out of me!

Ok, we got a head.

Just one, right?

Keep pushing, Roseanne.

I can't!

I can't!

I can't do anymore.

Yes, you can. Just one
more good hard push.

Oh, Jackie, mom was right.

Sex is baaad!

Ooh!

What is it?
What is it?

Five. Five. Five. Five.

One. Yes! It's a boy!

You did it!

Let me see him.
Let me see him.

They're cleaning him off
right now.

Oh, Jackie, I'm so
glad you were here.

I apologize for being mean.

No, that's all right.

This is so great.

I'm here at the beginning
of a new life.

That's why you've got
to be the godmother.

I don't know what to say.

The same thing you said

when I asked you to be
the girls' godmother.

Oh, ok.

Ladies and gentlemen, men, men,

the starting quarterback
for the Chicago Bears,

Dan Conner's boy-oy-oy.

Just give me the baby.

Ooh...

He's beautiful, Dan.

Just like you, honey.

Oh, hello there, little baby.

You tried to k*ll me,
didn't you?

Oh, look at him, Dan.

He's smiling.

I'm up.

It's late.

I can't sleep.

Why not?

I'm thinking too much.

Buddy...

I've already told you.

You don't have to
worry about me dying,

'cause I'm not going to.

You almost did.

I'm not planning on dying
for a long time, ok?

Ok.

Go to sleep.

Good night.

Good night.

But you could.

Deej, if you spend all your
time worrying about dying,

living isn't going
to be much fun, is it?

Well, how do I stop worrying?

Well, I try to think
about good stuff,

like watching you grow up,

teaching you how to drive a car,

meeting the girl
you're going to marry.

I don't like girls.

Yeah, you do. See?

I still got a lot of
stuff to teach you.

Ok.

Ok.

Dad?

When's Darlene going to die?

Good night, D.J.

See you in the morning.

You got it.

Hey.

Hey.

How was baby class?

You know.
Same as always.

You know, I was thinking
about this guardian stuff,

and I was thinking

maybe we should leave the
kids with Jackie after all.

Roseanne, we've been
through this.

Yeah, but she's part
of their lives, Dan.

She knows when Becky's lying.

She knows when Darlene's
sucking up to get money,

and she understands all of
D.J.'s weird little chatter.

Are you feeling a little guilty?

Yeah, I guess so.

Aren't you?

Yeah, I guess.

Ok. She wants them,
she can have them.

Thanks.

Ok. You go wake them up,

and I'll drive them over there.

Let's go to bed.

All right.

You know, Dan, you need to
get more life insurance.

We got enough.

No, we don't.

If you ever die, I want
to grieve in Tahiti.

Me and Dan are dead.

You've moved into the house.

You're in charge of the kids.

Now, question number one.

It's Saturday night,
A.M.,

and Becky's not home
from her date yet.

What do you do?

Ok.

Um...

Am I home from my date yet?

Where am I?

You don't have a date, Jackie.

You have three kids.

You will never have
a date or life.

Right. No date,
no life. I forgot.

Ok, I would call up
all of Becky's friends.

Wrong.

This is that question,
isn't it?

Wrong.

Ok, what?
I don't know.

You go to Darlene's room

and thr*aten Darlene's life...

thr*aten Darlene's life.
I should have known that.

I should have had that one.

Ok, question number two.

D.J.'s found
a dead cat

and insists on
keeping it as a pet.

What do you do?

I would very gently
explain to him

that the cat had gone
through his nine lives

and we would have
a simple funeral.

God, Jackie. Are you even
going to try or what?

All right. Ok.
Dead cat. Dead cat.

Um, I truly don't know
what I'd do.

Neither did I.

All right.
Next question.

Becky and Darlene have been
fighting for two weeks.

So?

Right.

Yeah. Oh, yeah.

Ok, next question.

You're so exhausted

from taking care of
three kids and a house

that you're not
in the mood for sex

for three whole months.
What do you do?

Maybe you ought to give the
kids to Crystal and Ed.

No, it's too late now.

No, no.

You wanted it.

You begged me.

No, no.

You made your bed.