03x25 - The Pied Piper of Lanford

[bunniefuu]

Jackie, are you in there?

Roseanne?

I've been honking
for minutes.

What's your problem?

Oh, the swap meet, right!

I'll be right there.

God, your door is open.
Talk about desperate.

Ziggy?

Rosie!

You big jerk, how long
have you been here?

I just got in last night.

You're on my leg! Ow!

Hey, this is incredible,

'cause we were just
talking about you.

Yeah?

Yeah. Me and Dan

were watching
this James Cagney movie,

and just as they were taking him

down the prison hall
to get electrocuted,

Dan goes, "I wonder
what Ziggy's up to?"

Do we all have to be in the bed?

Let's go over to our house.

Dan will freak out
when he sees you.

All right, just let
me get dressed.

We're done here, right?

Why are you sleeping with Ziggy?

Haven't you learned anything?

Go away!

Well, isn't he
married or something?

He was living with a girl.

She threw him out
over a year ago.

Take a hint, Jackie.

I don't want
to talk about it now.

We'll talk at the swap meet.

I'm not going to
any stupid swap meet

when Ziggy's here.

Let's motor.

Hey, Jacks, you coming?

Yeah, I'll be along...

Soon as I find my dignity.

Cool.

So, Ziggy, you seeing anybody?

Then I hooked up with a rodeo.

The Zig-man
rode the Brahma bull.

No way.

Absolutely.

Three seconds on the bull,

two hours on
the operating table.

Why the hell would you
do something like that?

Dan, the Spanish
have a word for it.

What is it again...
Macho... Machismo?

Tequila.

That's the one.

Maniac.
Pass me the wrench.

Ok, man, your turn now.

What you been up to?

Well, not much.

Kids are good, Rosie's great.

I'm paying the bills.

Yeah. So what do you
do for adventure,

a little danger?

Paying the bills.

Geez.

How'd you ever make it across
country on this thing?

I didn't. I just
bought this bike, man.

I sold the one I was riding

to some doctor
for, like, grand.

grand.

Did I tell you I just
drywalled the space shuttle?

You don't believe me?

Of course I believe you.

You say you sold the bike
for grand,

why shouldn't I believe you?

Woof!

I find these classic
bikes that are trashed.

I cherry them out,

then when I'm low on cash,

I sell them to, like, dentists

who think they're bikers.

Man, that's stuff we
used to dream about doing

when we were growing up.

I couldn't wait that long.

Dad, I'm going to the mall.

Ohh, is that ours?

No, it's Ziggy's.

Daddy!

Beat it, Darlene.

Say goodbye, Darlene.

Oh...

Bye-bye.

I don't want her thinking
I got this selling dr*gs.

No sweat. I'll tell her
you robbed a bank.

Thanks, man.

So how are your kids?

Oh, they're fine.

They're with their father now.

Huh?

They were Jill's kids.

She kicked him out, I moved in.

She kicked me out,
he moved back.

I figure, hey, that's life.

Only yours, Ziggy.

I'll tell you, Dan.

I left a piece of
my heart in her trailer.

You want another brew?

Sure.

I left a piece of my heart
in her trailer?

I left a piece of my heart
in her trailer.

♪ A chunk of my soul
in her mobile home ♪

♪ I left a piece of my heart
in her trailer ♪

♪ now I'm riding the road
all alone ♪

Yee-hah!

No, he's a friend of my parents.

He is so cute.

Ok, like, picture Mark,
but more mature.

Yeah. I don't know.

It's like he's got
this thing with his eyes,

like he knows stuff.

Hey, Beck.

Aah!

I... I got to go, Dana.

I wasn't talking about you.

Were so.

Hey. What's going on?

Becky's got a crush on me.

I do not!

She digs my eyes.

Well, red always
was her favorite color.

I got to go.

Sure you don't want
me to come with you?

Oh, god!

That was fun.

Well, don't get all cocky.

She's easy to humiliate.

I have to ask you something, ok?

You might think it's weird,

but I want to know.

What are your intentions
with Jackie?

Intentions?

I don't know, Mrs. Conner.

I was going to take her
to the sock hop

to see if I could score.

She's had a really rough year.

She lost her job and her fiance.

And now, here's Ziggy again.

All right, she's
making a comeback.

I know you, Ziggy.

You'll catch the first
cocktail waitress

out of here.

Come on, what's with
the big sister thing?

You were right.
The starter's dead.

Let's get a new one.

You got it.

We done?

Well, you tell me.

It will be cool.
Don't worry.

What will be cool?

Me and Rosie are
running away together.

Right. Like I'd give up
Raoul for you.

So, Becky, you did pretty good

in eighth grade history, right?

Yeah, I aced it.

Yeah, I remember.

You worked your butt off.

I had to.

Yep.

Did you ever make any money
off eighth grade history?

Darlene, what
are you talking about?

Would you happen to
have a paper available,

say in
the -to- page range?

You would actually
pay for a paper?

Cash?

Spanish-American w*r...
bucks.

?

Darlene, it's an "a" paper.

Well, what did you get a "B" on?

Maybe not today or tomorrow,

but soon, and for
the rest of your life.

What about us?

Man, this is where
the movie totally loses it.

You're kidding me.
This is the best part.

There's no way

she'd get on a plane
with that guy.

Of course she would.

Bogart's way cooler.

That guy never made
another movie.

That guy is only the
leader of the resistance.

If she doesn't go with him,

France may never be free.

Yeah, right, like
anybody cares about France.

Uh, ma, I need money
for school supplies.

How much?

Oh, bucks.

Get over yourself.

Well, how about ?

You do your own damn homework!

Fine. I hear
eighth grade's

a lot easier
the second time around.

Hey-o!

Where were you guys?

Lenny's bike shop.

Yeah, hanging out.

You know, being like Mark,

but more mature.

I wasn't talking
about you. God!

So, Jackie,

think I could crash at
your place for a while?

Ziggy!

He's talking to me, Roseanne.

How long's a while?

Well, I don't know.

It looks like I may
have my own business.

I'm buying Lenny's bike shop.

You're kidding me?

No way, man!

Me and Dan went down
to pick up some parts.

Lenny's looking to retire.

So the Zig-man
made him an offer.

It was so cool.

When Ziggy pulled that wad
out of his pocket,

Lenny kissed him
right on the lips.

Yecchh!

So, uh, Jacks,

you want a roommate?

Well, you'd have
to pay half the rent,

half the utilities,

and you bring your own
laundry over to Roseanne's.

Deal.

I hope you guys know

I was totally for this
relationship from the beginning.

I think it's awesome.
I think it's great.

There's only
one bike shop in town.

Nobody knows more
about bikes than him.

This might be a great idea.

Did you think of it yourself?

It's almost like
you have a clue.

I knew you'd be proud of us.

Us?

Yeah, me and Dan.

Honey,
I... I know it's new.

It's a little scary.

But it doesn't have to be
like how we fought

when I started
the drywall business.

You didn't want
any part of that,

and we fought
like cats and dogs.

Dan, Rosey.
Good to see you.

Hi, Doug.
How's Lois?

Good.
Everyone's great.

How you doing,
man. I'm...

Norbert.
Norbert Walsh.

Take that thing off your head.

Doug.
Please sit down.

We missed you last
week at the lodge.

Yeah. It was
the kid's birthday.

Had to do that
miniature golf thing.

How old is she now?

Do you believe ?

No! That's..
That's...

They grow up so fast.

So what about the money?

From what you told me
on the phone,

it sounds real promising.

So I checked into Lenny's shop,

and it's going ok.

How ok is ok?

Be straight with us.

Will we all be eating cat food

or just the kids?

Lenny's been looking to get out,

so he may have slipped
off a little bit.

But with some fresh blood,

anything could happen, right?

And the bank has
always been behind you.

Thanks, Doug.

You want to tell me
about your partner?

- No.
- No.

Hey, don't make him think

I'm some kind of
irresponsible guy.

I happen to have
grand in my shoe.

Do you need to see that?

No, but he will need another
for the down payment.

I was thinking about selling
the drywall business.

Dan, you are
the drywall business.

Without you,
there's nothing to sell.

You got any other ideas?

We could give you a second
mortgage on the house.

The house?

We'll get you a good rate.

This way my boss will know
you're serious about it.

The house?

That the only way, Doug?

It's the only way
I can see, Danny.

Sorry, Zig.

Oh, man.

I'll be carrying two mortgages

and a business loan.

I don't know when the money
will start coming in.

I can't risk it.

So you'll spend your life

doing something you hate?

I don't hate it.

What was that about you
hate going to work?

Forget it.
It won't happen.

Then I'll do it myself.

What do I need
to do this thing myself?

What do you got
in the other shoe?

Ok.

Let's do it.

Let's put up the house.

What are you talking about?

Well...

You want to do it, let's do it.

Are you sure?

Well, he says
he believes in you.

I guess I should, too.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I'm just going to step
outside and puke.

You ok, Rosey?

Yeah.

I just want to sit in my house

while it's still mine.

What?

Did you get the loan?

Yes.

Thanks to Ms. Roseanne Conner,
ladies and gentlemen.

We took a second
mortgage on the house.

Roseanne has certain
lingering doubts.

I don't want to do it anymore.

Come on, Rosey.
It's a great idea.

I believe in this idea.

You used to believe you
could see yourself sleeping

if you just woke up fast enough.

And I've never
been proven wrong.

God, I'm going
to miss this place.

Come on, you guys.

Let's go celebrate.

Zig, me and Rosey
need to be alone.

Oh, ok.
Come on, Zig.

Rosey, you are my hero.

I will never forget this.

I'm never going to let you.

Dan, take this lady out

so she can get out of this mood.

Zig, in or years

when the bank's off our back,

we'll be ready to celebrate.

Meantime, I just
want to stay here

and concentrate on how
to arrange the furniture

out on the sidewalk.

Come on. I'll
celebrate with you.

Ok.

Guys, this is a good thing.

Get happy.

Later, Norbert.

Well, you're welcome, too.

That was nothing.

The official thank you

will take place in
the thank you room.

What, it's no longer
the begging room?

Guys, I got to talk...

Ziggy, get out of here!

I got a change in plans,

so we ought to discuss it.

You don't go
into somebody's bedroom

in the middle of the night.

You did it to me and Jackie.

That's different. It was
funny when I did it.

What do you want, Zig?

Dan, I can't go through
with the, uh, bike shop.

You're kidding.

I thought we would just
hang out and fix bikes.

No big deal.

We get tired of it, we bail.

But I been thinking
all night about this.

You put the house on the line.

I don't want that riding on me.

What did you start this for?

For you, man.

You were bored.

When I thought of this idea,

you should have seen your face.

That was worth the grand.

But it just got too big.

What did you expect?

We're starting a business.

I know. I know.

No, man. You don't
come blowing in here,

getting everybody crazy.

You don't start something
you won't finish.

That's why
I'm not starting this.

Fine.

Dan, I'm sorry.

We could have gone
under in six months,

and you lose the house

and the drywall deal.

And it was my idea.

You guys would
have hated me forever.

Now you'll hate me
for a few months,

and I'm back by Christmas.

Nah, I don't think so.

Dan, we go back a long way.

No. No. I'm too old
for this crap.

Come on, man.

You know the way out.

What did Jackie say?

Ah, she said a lot of things.

But bottom line was...

Goodbye.

Sorry, Rosey.

Well... I'm going to go
be with my husband now.

It really is better this way.

Yeah. I'm sure he'll
realize that tomorrow

when he's drywalling
somebody's basement.

What's your problem?

I got nothing to do.

Well, call up that Todd or Troy,

whatever his name is,

and see if he'll play with you.

He's in school.

Oh.

How come you're not in school?

Go to school.

Well...

At least you can't say
that you're surprised.

Well, at least we
didn't get in too deep.

I'll tell Doug at the bank

we decided to back off.

I'll be home late from school.

I'm going to Mark's.

You've got finals to study for.

You shouldn't be at Mark's.

Did I say Mark's?

I meant the library.

That's better.

I actually prefer it
when she lies to me.

You know what I don't get?

How come it was such a good idea

when Ziggy was involved,

and now it's not a good idea

when he's not involved?

Well, for one thing,

it's a two-man
operation.

I could quit my job at the
restaurant and help out.

We'd go to work together,

have lunch together,
come home together.

Or we could stay married.

Why don't you hire Becky's
boyfriend, that mark?

You're kidding.

Well, he's good with his hands.

Just ask Becky.

That's not funny.

You cannot tell me that
Ziggy is irreplaceable.

The guy wore a rag on his head.

His grand was irreplaceable.

Well, the bank was
going to lend us .

Maybe they will lend us .

What's left to put up?

We both know you
still want to do it.

Yeah, I do.

So what can it hurt?

We'll go down there,

and we'll talk to Doug,

see what he says.

Ok. It's worth a shot.

And you know
what the good part is...

Without a partner for you
to split the profits with,

everything you make is mine.

So what can it hurt?

We'll go down there,

and we'll talk to Doug,

see what he says.

Ok. It's worth a shot.

And you know
what the good part is...

Without a partner for you
to split the profits with,

everything you make is mine.

Mom, dad, wait.