04x08 - Vegas, Vegas

[bunniefuu]

Last week on Roseanne...

Las Vegas. We leave sunday,
come back tuesday.

Take off
and leave the kids?

I want to see
Wayne Newton!

. Winner!

We had a date.

Now?

Yeah, now.

Rosie, I'm hot.

So am I.

We haven't had five minutes
alone since we got here.

Well, now we're alone.

I, for one,
am having a great time.

You know, Dan,

We should have took
separate vacations.

I go to Vegas.

You go to hell.

[Door slams]

Dan's beard hairs
are all over the sink,

and his underwear's
hanging on the doorknob.

He's griping about
a couple of lipsticks

taking up
all his bathroom space,

you know,
like he owns the place.

"This is my sink.

This is my doorknob."

That's why men all
the time miss the john,

'Cause they're marking
their territory.

O.k. Well,
men are pigs.

That's not news.

Double zero.

Oh, double zero.

That just about sums up
my whole vacation.

Roseanne,

You're ruining
your whole trip.

Why don't you just
go to Dan and say
"I'm sorry?"

Let me tell you
something, Nancy.

You do not stay married
for years

By blurting out
stupid little things
like "I'm sorry."

I'm on a roll
that's unbelievable,

And she wants romance
and it can't wait.

So I leave what could be
a small fortune,

And the minute
we're upstairs

She's yelling about
underwear on doorknobs.

She didn't want them
on the floor or on me.

Where do I put them?

Another card?

Sure. Hit me.

Why should you
be any different?

Sorry.

I knew it.

She yammered the luck
right out of me.

Better luck next time.

Uh-uh.
No way I'm getting
married again.

Great news, Dan.

You got
the Wayne Newton
tickets!

Good news, Dan.

You didn't?

Rosie's been waiting
years to see Wayne.

It's the main reason
we came.

It's not my fault.
Wayne doesn't work
on mondays.

We didn't go yesterday.
You said we'd get
better tickets tonight.

I can get us
front row tickets tonight,

But it won't be much fun
without Wayne.

O.k., so we don't
see Wayne.

Somehow she'll
make this my fault,

But I already
left nose hairs
in her sink.

You can't
hang a man twice.

I said I had good news.

Four tickets to
the Las Vegas legends
in concert.

The finest
showbiz impersonators
in the world.

That's not so bad.

If we saw Wayne
it would be over
in a couple of hours.

This I'll hear about
the rest of my life.

One thing.

What?

These tickets are free
only for looking

at time-share
vacation condos.

Let's go!

Hit me--no, no.
k*ll me!

See...

marriage
is like gambling,
you know.

The odds are all
in favor of the house.

So, when your marriage
breaks up

make sure
you keep the house.

Ha. Roseanne,
I think you'd better
eat something.

And, you know,

marriage is like
this here slot machine.

You don't always get back
what you put into it, see.

All right.

"Honey...

I made
your favorite dinner."

Nothing.

"Honey...

I let your favorite pants
out another inch."

Ha ha ha!

Nothing.

"Honey, I bore you
three children,

And I got
that soap you like."

Zip.

This proves my point.

Marriage stinks.

With a capital "suck."

Come on, Roseanne.
Stop it.

Nancy, the longer
I know you, the more
I got to ask you--

Why are you
marrying that guy?

I don't know.

I mean, he's not
everything I deserve.

So I think, uh,

Do you want
to marry the guy?

Then he did something
the other day that
really clinched it.

He told me about
that affair he had.

He did?

Uh-huh.

And it's not like
I caught him
or anything.

He just thought...

If we're going
to be married,

There shouldn't
be any secrets.

And that's when
I knew I could
really trust him.

I can't believe
he told you.

I was amazed.

Nancy, you are really
an incredible person.

You've forgiven him
and, man,

I haven't even
forgiven Jackie yet.

What has Jackie
got to do with it?

You know,
marriage is like--

It--it was Jackie?

What was Jackie?

He told me
some bimbo divorcee
threw herself at him

And he'd never see
her again.

I'm going
to k*ll him.

Men!

If Dan hadn't made me
come to Vegas

none of this
would have happened.

So, Danny, how's
that complimentary
drink treating you?

You can't beat
a big glass of tang
with an umbrella.

Man, I hope the girls
don't get lost.

Why?

Come on. It's going
to be great.

I was in the john,
and I saw the guy
that does Paul Anka.

If you close your eyes,
you'd swear it was him.

Oh, wow!

Legends in concert,
huh, Dan?

Thank you so much
for making this
the perfect vacation.

Right back at you, babe.

You're dead.

She knows about Jackie.

Honey, I'm sorry.

I love you.

It was Jackie Harris.

I know I'm a lying dog,
but marry me.

Why didn't you
tell me before?

Why drag Jackie
into this?

She's a nice person.

I didn't want you
hating her because
I made a mistake.

Jackie
slept with Arnie?

Yuck!

You're a pig.

Yeah.

You're scum.

Yeah.

You're slime.

Yeah.

You're vermin!

Kiss me!

See! Why can't you ever be
romantic like that with me?

* Well, since my baby
left me *

* I've found a new place
to dwell *

* It's down at the end
of lonely street *

* It's heartbreak hotel *

* Where you will *

* You'll be so lonely,
baby *

* You'll be so lonely *

* You'll be so lonely *

* You could die **

The girls
are in the bathroom
missing this.

Lucky them.

[Imitating Elvis]
thank you.

Thank you very much.

God bless
and good night.

God bless and good night.

Dan, he was great.

I liked him better
as Liza.

Ladies and gentlemen,

Please
put your hands together

For Mr. Excitement,

The midnight idol,

Wayne Newton!

O.k., looks
moderately waynish.

Ladies and gentlemen,

I'd like to thank you for
coming to see me this evening,

But as you know,
I don't just say thank you.

I say...

, , , ...

* Danke schoen *

* Darling, Danke schoen *

* Thank you for *

* All the joy and pain *

Picture shows.

Second balcony.

* Was a place we'd-- **

Wait a minute!
Hold it!

Hang on a second,
fellas.

I can't take this
anymore.

I'm sorry.

Does someone
have a problem out there?

It's with your act.

[Dan]
Now it's getting good.

And I suppose
you can do better?

I couldn't
do any worse.

Ha ha ha ha!

Well, this ought
to be good.

Could we get a spotlight
on this gentleman, please?

Ladies and gentlemen,
what a surprise!

I don't believe it!
It's him!

This is incredible!

The seats good enough
for you now, Dan?

The midnight idol
of Las Vegas...

The real Wayne Newton!

They're hugging.

Just like the good Kirk
battling the evil Kirk!

Oh, my gosh.

Wayne, it is so good
to see you again.

I had to check out
my competition.

Is he good or what?

I got to go
get Rosie.

Listen, Wayne, uh,

As long as
you're up here,
how about a song?

He's going to sing.

Arnie, go get Rosie.

I'm not going
to miss
the Wayne off.

They love you,
chief.

You've got to do it.

Thank you.

, , , ...

* Danke schoen *

* Darlin',
Danke schoen *

I really should
go get Rosie,

But I...

I...

I can't.

* Picture shows *

* Second balcony *

* Was a place
we'd meet *

Do I really
sound like that?

* You were sweet,
that was it *

Honey, honey, honey.

We're just
in the nick.

* I got to
thank you for *

I don't believe it.

Wayne Newton would freak
if he saw that loser.

Wait. Give the guy
a chance.

He's flashing the teeth.

Oh. He's doing
the point.

He's doing the wink.

Work it, baby!

Work it!

* Darlin',
Danke schoen *

* I got to
thank you for *

No. This guy
doesn't even
have a mustache.

Wayne Newton
has a mustache.

How did he get
out of Wayne Newton
impersonator school

Without a mustache?

* Still
the memories stay *

Uh, hold it, fellas.

Fellas, hold it.
Hold it.

Hold it.
Fellas, hold it.

Um, excuse me, ma'am.

I'm sorry if my singing

Is interrupting
your conversation.

Not as sorry
as I am.

Ma'am, I'm going
to ask you politely

To take your seat.

I'm entertaining.

Oh, somebody has
filled your head
with lies.

Honey.

Honey, it really
is Wayne Newton.

Oh, yeah. Right.
And I'm
Lola Falana, Dan.

Well, it's nice
to meet you, miss Falana.

My name
is Wayne Newton.

No. My name
is Wayne Newton.

No. My name
is Wayne Newton.

Dan, Dan. Wayne's
looking at us.

Ask him
for his autograph.

Oh, god. Oh, god.

Ladies, I'm glad you're
having such a good time

'Cause that's what
we're all here for,

So just sit back
and enjoy the song.

Why, are you going
to get somebody
else to sing it?

Rosie.

Rosie,
that really
is Wayne Newton.

Oh, yeah. Right.

It is.
Now, shut up.

Ma'am, you ought to
listen to your husband.

Ooh.

Now he's telling me
what to do.

He sounds like
every other man
on earth.

Excuse me,
every other man
on earth,

Except Wayne Newton.

Pardon me, ma'am.

I'll have to ask you
to leave the building.

Hold it.
Don't you touch her.

This woman
doesn't ask for much
out of life,

But she always
wanted to see
Wayne Newton.

Tomorrow morning,
she'll wake up

And realize
what happened,

And she'll want
to k*ll herself.

And damn it,
I'm not taking that
away from her.

There's no way
we're getting
out of here.

Dan, I'm going
to be sick.

I'll see you, Wayne.

Oh, one more thing.

Yes, mr. Falana.

I'm really sorry
about all this.

I'm a huge fan.

Uh-oh. Dan.

I just threw up
on Paul Anka.

Now, there goes
one lucky guy.

O.k. Here's your lunch.

Now get to school.

I got to get
my science project.

I made
a great sundial.

It was so easy,
just like you said.

[Telephone rings]

Telephone.

Thanks. I wouldn't
want to tear you away

From your
nutritious breakfast.

Ah, bite me.

Hello.

Mom? Yeah. I'm fine.

Yes, mother.

I'll pick you up
at the airport tonight.

No, mom. I'm not
going to forget.

O.k.
Here's my sundial.

I Found this part,
but I made the stick.

Oh, man.

Uh, Becky.

D.J. Made a sundial
out of birth
control pills.

What?

Even tells the days
of the week.

I got to go, mom.
Love you.

Mom went to Vegas
without these?

She really
is a gambler.

They're not mom's.

D.J., Jackie's
probably looking
all over for these.

You are not
to take these

To school, understand?

Find something else to
make your sundial out of.

O.k. I'll put these
back in your drawer.

They're yours?

You slut.

Shut up, Darlene.

Oh, my god.

You're doing it
with Mark.

Shut up, Darlene.

When your
naked bodies were
pressed together,

Were you making
actual words

Or just grunting
like animals?

Shut up, Darlene.

Mom's going
to love this.

Mom already knows.

Who do you think
bought me the pills?

Slammer.

Can you
believe this?

I specifically
told Arnie

To be here at : .

See, Dan.
There was no hurry.

I could have thrown up
a few more times.

That's it.
If he's not here
in five minutes,

I'm marrying
the : .

All right, honey.
Let's roll.

Where have you been?

Getting my tux.

It came with this.

Some guys got to
be blindfolded
to get married.

You're not wearing
that costume
to my wedding.

I like it.
I'm wearing it.

Good. I hope you
bought it

'Cause you'll
be buried in it.

What about you?

It would be great

If we were
getting married
in a go-go cage.

You love
the way I look.

You look like
a cheap hooker.

Leave your
old girlfriends
out of this.

Can you tell them
we're ready?

Let's go, Arn.
Break.

Run for it, Nance.

[The wedding march
plays]

Friends, we are
gathered here

To join together these
two wonderful people,

Uh, Nancy Lynne Bartlett
and Arnold Shemp Thomas...

In holy matrimony.

Marriage is
a sacred commitment

That should not
be taken lightly.

Do you, Arnie, take this
woman to be your wife...

Look at those two.

They look so happy.

I give it a month.

For better or worse,
for richer, for poorer...

Pretty tricky
how they slip
that stuff in,

but who's thinking
about that anyway?

When you
first start out,

you love a guy,
you marry him.

You have no idea
what you're in for.

Do you, Nancy,
take Arnie to...

But I guess
I did o.k.

after years
of marriage,

it is nice
to have a man

who'll
hold your head
while you barf.

I really
do love him,

the big goon.

I know
he loves me.

He can't say it
with his shorts on,

But he loves me.

Look at the way
he looks at me.

Boy, I shouldn't have
had that sausage
for breakfast.

I wonder if she's
got any antacid
in her purse.

I now pronounce you
husband and wife.

You may kiss
the bride.

Slut.

Pig.

Congratulations,
Arnie.

Life as you know it
will never
be the same.

Thanks for
being here, Dan.

Give him hell,
Nancy.

Thanks, Rosie.

Hold it. Hold it.

O.k. Now it's
your turn.

What do you talking about?

A little surprise.

We thought
you might want
to renew your vows.

You guys are the : .

I already paid
the man.

I didn't get to go
to your first wedding

'Cause you didn't
invite me.

Well, what do
you think, Dan?

It couldn't hurt.

Oh, that's just
what you said

when you proposed.

I still mean it,
honey.

So you want to?

Why not?

Friends, we are
gathered here today

to join together these
two wonderful people,

Uh...

The Conners.

The Conners
in holy matrimony.

Do you, uh,
Mrs. Conner...

Take this man
to love and to honor--

We already
did these vows,

so this time let's
do something that
means something,

Like, uh, o.k.

Um, do you, Dan,
promise

to keep your beard
out of the sink

and, uh,
hose yourself off

after you
come home from work
every now and then

if I, like, promise

to give you
a clean towel
in the morning?

O.k. I do.

Do you, Roseanne,
promise to quit
buying me goofy shirts

that I don't like

if I promise
to throw the shirts
I do like

into the hamper?

Cool.

And if you'll
discipline your kids

so that I'm not
always the bad guy,

then I'll stop
making fun of
your stupid friends.

Sorry, Arnie.

Done.

How about if you
quit saying

you can watch
football anytime
during the super bowl

and I'll toss you
a compliment
on how you look

once in a while

no matter
what you look like?

You think you can
do that?

Yeah. You mean it
about the towels?

Yeah.

Did you get that?

I now pronounce you
husband and wife.

You may
kiss the bride.

Your breath smells
like sausage.

* Some things you can't
be sure about in life *

* The future ain't spelled out
in black and white *

* It keeps you guessing *

* It keeps you asking
questions every day *

* Yeah,
that's our way *

* But, baby, when you
ask me if I need you *

* I don't think so *

* I know so *

* The way you hold me *

* The love you show me *

* The way
you make me feel *

* I feel like Dancin' *

* Dancin'
all night long *

* Within your arms *

* Well, I'll
prove to you *

* With a heart
that's true *

* You'll never have
to wonder if I do *

* I do know *

* Don't you
ever doubt... **

I was wrong
about you.

You do a really
great Wayne.