10x03 - Roseanne Gets the Chair

[bunniefuu]

♪♪

Roseanne:
It's daytime, people!

Rise and shine.

[ Sarcastically ]
No, no, everybody, I got this.

I have a few years
left to live,

and this is exactly
how I want to spend it.

What is this,
Courtyard by Marriott?

[ Kicks door ]
Housekeeping!

Oh...I'm sorry.

Were you sleeping?

Uh, what's up?

You guys are slobs,
and I'm sick of it.

You know, I don't know
how you're so cheerful

first thing
in the morning.

I always need coffee.

No, I'm serious.

You got to make
your kids pick up.

I don't want to be
the disciplinarian.

I want to be
the fun grandma

who gives them
too much sugar

and teaches them
to gamble and stuff.

Ma, it's not Mark,
it's Harris.

She's all over the place
right now because she just
started a business on Etsy.

What's Etsy?

It's like a yard sale
except online

because nobody can afford
a yard anymore.

She sells used clothes.

Apparently, it's cool
to look poor now.

[ Scoffs ]

Yeah, it's
all fun and games

'til you're reusing
your diabetes needles.

Enjoy.

♪♪

[ Dan and Roseanne laughing ]

"Roseanne" is taped
in front of a live audience.

[ Groans ]

There's my
Uber gal.

How was your day of
picking up perfect
strangers for money?

[ Chuckles ]

Fine, but every time
I stepped on the brake,

it k*lled my knee.

I had this one guy
who actually wanted me to stop

at every single stop sign.

Hey! Have you seen
my ice pack?

No, but I've got something
way better to show you.

Whoa, you're really phoning in
the foreplay these days.

Come with me,
and prepare to be overjoyed.

[ Clicks tongue ]

Could it be
I'm getting a spanking

from Mr. Wayne Newton?

Kiss that old ice pack goodbye
and say hello

to the superior styling
and customized craftsmanship

of the whisper-quiet
EasyClimb .

No.

I finally
got it working.

No, I already told you,
I'm not using it.

Those are for old people.

Yeah, for old husbands

who are tired of running
up and down stairs

for their hot,
young wives.

Come on, just until
your knee gets better.

No. We can't afford
that anyway.

Take it where you got it
and get your money back.

I can't.

I got it for
the very reasonable price

of "our neighbor died, and
they're tearing down his house."

So, you just went over
to his house and stole it?

No!

I went over to his house
to steal his copper plumbing.

This bad boy
was a bonus.

I'm going out.
See you later.

Oh, and, Granny Rose,

your ice pack
is in my room somewhere.

I used it
to keep my smoothie cold.

Sorry, it's
a little sticky. Bye!

What a delightful
and thoughtful young lady.

We're so lucky
she lets us live here.

How the hell am I supposed
to get up the stairs

to find my ice pack
without my ice pack?

No, I don't need it.

I'm young and vibrant.

And they're off!

[ Motor whirring ]
And it's EasyClimb
versus Stubborn Housewife.

Stubborn housewife
looking good,

but here comes EasyClimb
up on the rail!

Shut up, Dan!

And it's Stubborn Wife
looking back at Awesome Husband

with hatred in her eyes.

You know, folks,
if she loses this race,

they may have to put
the old nag down.

Hey, Granny Rose,
can you drop this
off in my room?

Oh, wow.
The chair's going up anyway.

You should really
sit in it.

And it's Death Wish
comin' out of nowhere

to take it by a nose!

[ Door closes ]
Becky:
Emergency!

I can't use the laundry room
in my building

because someone's
living there now.

Unh-unh, I'm first.

Harris has been hogging
that washing machine,

and I'm totally out
of clean underwear.

[ Clears throat ]

I'm wearing a coffee filter
and a scrunchie.

But I have to be
at the restaurant in two hours,

and my uniform has blood
all over the sleeve.

Oh, my God.
What happened?

Bottomless margaritas
and a dart tournament.

Oh.

Well, we can throw
our stuff in together.

The machines
are both full.

Oh, my God.
It's full of Harris' stuff.

Damn it!

Is there a problem?

Yeah, I need to talk to you
about your kid.

[ Coffee pours ]

Why are Harris' clothes
in the washing machine?

Because that's where
it gets all wet and
detergent goes on it.

She's been hogging
that machine for three days,

and we got a lot of people
in this house.

Okay, I get it.
I'll talk to her

as soon as she gets out
of the shower.

You're gonna wait
for your kid?

Mom used to yell at us
in the shower.

It was like that scene
in "Psycho".

[ As Roseanne ]
Take out the trash!

Ree! Ree! Ree!

Well, at least Norman Bates
respected his mother.

Ree!

Hey, when you do
get around

to speaking to
the Princess of Tide...

...she needs
to respect her elders,

or I'll make sure
she never becomes one.

This is crazy.

I'll move the clothes
into the dryer.
Bad idea.

Yeah, remember the last
time we told you to put
stuff in the dryer

and you threw a pen
in there with it?

I had one white shirt.

And then you had
one pinstripe shirt.

You shouldn't be doing
your kid's chores.

And when did you turn
into such a pushover?

You're not being the Darlene
that we knew and loved

and, quite frankly,
feared a little bit.

You know what? You guys
already raised your kids.

You're free. Run.

Now would be a great
time to finally learn
how to use your phones.

There's the old,
nasty Darlene!

Now, quick,
before you lose it,

go up there
and aim it at your kid.

[ Scoffs ]

You want me to yell at her
for doing laundry?

Are you worried
she's gonna do
the windows next?

Cut her some slack, okay?

Kids don't need slack,
they need boundaries.

The happiest kids
are raised in cages.

And it keeps
the meat tender.

♪♪

What's that thing?
This?

It's a vegetable brush.

It's for getting the dirt
off of vegetables.

Oh, so it's
kind of like a hand?

Harris:
Don't set a place for me.
I'm not staying.

Why not? We're having
clean vegetables.

Can you clean it hard enough
to make it a French fry?

I'm meeting some people
at the mall.

We'll grab
something there.

Who are these people?

You wouldn't know them.
I barely know them.

[ Scoffs ] Why you hanging out
with people you don't know?

Because I've only been here
a month,

and I didn't inherit
your charming personality.

A little trust here,
Darlene.

Did she just call you
"Darlene"?

Yeah. I have
no problem with it.

It's very modern.

It allows the parent
and the child

to address each other
as equals.

Thanks, Jackie.

Please call me
"Aunt Jackie."

It's the only title
that I have.

You know what,
Harris,

this isn't really
about trust,

but it's
kind of my job

to know who you're
hanging out with,

so I would really like
to meet them.

Oh, my God!
[ Stomps foot ]

You dragged me away
from my friends in Chicago,

and now you're gonna
scare off everybody I
meet in this hick town?

[ Thick drawl ]
Who's gonna sh**t
beer cans with me

behind the Dairy Queen?

Alright, fine.

Just be home by : ,

and, uh...

here's five bucks.

Thanks.

Oh, so she pushed
you around a little,

but you gave her
five bucks.

That'll show her.

You had
the perfect chance

to check out your
daughter's friends,

and you let her play you
like a chump.

You know what?

This is gonna come as
a shock to you people,

but I actually trust
my kids.

Ha! Here's why you
can't trust your kids --

'cause they're stupid.

That's why we don't give 'em
cars or booze.

Well, people parent differently
than they did in your day.

Turns out, a lot
of what you did
did not work,

and some of it
was against the law.

Yeah,
it's against the law

because your generation
made everything so PC.

Instead of spanking 'em,

you tell 'em to go over
there and think about
what they did wrong.

You know what
they're thinking?

"I can't believe this loser
isn't spanking me."

Let me
tell you something.

I wrote a poem
for my dad,

and he hit me
with a broom...

and then he said,

"This broom will do more
for you than any poem."

And that was
the Greatest Generation.

Yeah, he also checked
under his bed every night
for Japanese soldiers,

so there you go.

Ah, the Dairy Queen.

I dated a boy
who worked there.

He gave me free
Dilly Bars.

Well, I guess
they weren't...

totally free.

[ Both snoring ]

[ Snorts ]

Dan, you're snoring!
Wake up.

[ Sleepily ]
What time is it?

Did I miss dinner?

[ Scoffs ]

It's : .

We slept from "Wheel"
to "Kimmel".

We missed all the
shows about black
and Asian families.

Mm, they're just like us.
[ Clicks ]

There, now you're
all caught up.

Help me put clothes
in the dryer, would you?

Now?

Yeah, Harris has had
the machine going all day

washing them
hobo clothes...

...that she wants
to sell on, uh,

the Betsy.

You know
what I think it is?

Darlene doesn't want
to be the bad guy.

There was two of us,

so we could be
good cop, bad cop.

She's just good cop.

And you know the
movie nobody ever,
ever wants to see?
Mnh-mnh.

"Clint Eastwood
is 'Supportive Harry'."

Now, come on.
Help me up.

[ Straining ]
We got to go put clothes
in the dryer.

[ Both groaning ]
Ow!

Do I have to?

[ Whining ]
Yes. Keep me company.

I'll make it fun.

I'll do
my "seven veils" dance

with the dryer sheets
again.

Tempting.

And that's what
I'll be dreaming of

when I'm lying
on this here couch.

Fine,
I'll do it myself.

Where'd all
the real men go?

They're hiding
from all the real women.

[ Scoffs ]

Damn!

She's hogging the dryer!

Leaving all
my wet stuff again.

[ Slams hand ]
This is it!

Harris, it's on!

I'm coming up there!

Fine!

I'm on my way!

[ Motor whirring ]

And I mean business!

Wow!

I didn't think that thing
would hold together.

I just tested it
with a bag of rock salt.

Look at her go.

Quit looking
at me, Dan!

I'm not looking at you.

I'm just checking
to see if I had any calls.

Got it.

Hey, Granny Rose.

I need some coffee
when you come down!
Can you make me some?

Roseanne:
Damn it!

You better stay
right where you are,

if you know
what's good for you, Harris!

I'll be over there
in three or four minutes!

Harris!

Why did you put
my clean clothes

on top of
the filthy washing machine?

Now I've got to wash them
all over again.

I needed the machine.

I just got a bunch of stuff
from the thrift store.

Well, here's an idea --

Why not put my stuff
in the dryer first?

Why?
It's your stuff.

Get your stuff
out of the dryer now.

I'm having a muffin.

I'll do it in a minute.

Those are for breakfast.

But I'm hungry now.

Well, you're
a woman in America.

Get used to it.

What is your problem?

My problem is you're acting
like you own the place,

and we don't even
own the place.

Hey.
What?

You think you're better
than everybody else in
this house, don't you?

Do you really want me
to answer that?

No, I'll answer it
for you --

You're not!

You're smart for a kid,

but you're still dumb
for a person.

And you got it
real good here.

We got shampoo and conditioner
in separate bottles...

...and we got
three fridges

if you count the one
in the driveway.

So you better start
showing some gratitude

instead of acting like
an entitled, little bitch.

You know what?

I don't need
to get yelled at

by some stupid,
old hillbilly.

Hey!
What?!

I want you to rinse off
this plate in the sink.

Whatever.

[ Hose grinds, water rushes ]

[ Gasps, screams ]

Welcome to
the hillbilly day spa!

[ Screams ]
[ Cackling ]

Mom! Stop!
What are you doing?

[ Water shuts off ]
[ Scoffs ]

Your hellspawn...

...threw all my clean
clothes on top of the
dirty washing machine,

and then she called me
a stupid hillbilly!

I was being nice!

She's a crazy,
stupid hillbilly!

You apologize
to your grandmother.

And old!

She...said..."old"!

Say it!

I'm sorry!

God!

Great.

Now you tell your kid

to get her stuff
out of the dryer

so I can finish my laundry
and go to sleep.

Fun grandma loses her cool

if she gets
less than eight hours.

Fine!

Listen, she was wrong,
but you are not her parent.

How could you do
something like that?

It wasn't that hard.

You just get her by the neck
and lean into it,

you know...

and then you keep
the sprayer going like so.

The dryer is empty now.
Happy?

I will talk to you
upstairs.
[ Scoffs ]

[ Clack ]

Hold up.

Hey! That's mine!
Give me that!

Not so fast.

[ Chuckles ]

So, they left
a security tag on

from the thrift store?

They left one on.
Big deal.

This is not from
a thrift store, Harris.

They don't put
security tags on clothes

that cost less
than security tags.

Did you steal this?

No, I got it
from some kids at school.

So they stole it?

Whatever. Who cares?

I just am selling it
on my store.

[ Scoffs ]

Do you know
you can go to jail

for selling things
that are stolen online?

Are you stupid?

Yes!

They told me I couldn't
get in any trouble!

I just wanted to make some money
because my life sucks.

Hey, all our lives suck.

That's why we put
marshmallows on yams.

You know what?

[ Scoffs ]
You are not helping.

Please just let me talk
to Harris alone for a second.

Sure.

I'm just gonna check
around this house

to see if any
of my stuff is missing.

[ Smacks lips ]
A lot of my clothes
turned vintage.

Sit.

God!

I trusted you!

You know? I mean,
you completely betrayed that!

I was going easy on you

because I felt guilty
about bringing you here!

Well, you shouldn't
have brought me here
because I hate it!

I have no friends.

The kids here are idiots.

Who leaves security tags
on stolen clothes?

[ Scoffs ]

God, I'm sorry your henchmen
are stupid, Riddler.

I mean, what --
what is so important to you

that you would go
on this crime spree?

I needed money to go back
and live in Chicago.

I already bought
my bus ticket,

and Anna's sister
said I can live with
her in her apartment

if I chip in for rent.
[ Scoffs ]

I was planning on leaving
at the end of the month.

Wow.
[ Scoffs ]

Part of me wants to ask
how big Anna's sister's
apartment is, but...

...let's go to
a healthier place here.

[ Scoffs ]

Are you really
that miserable?

I -- Yes,
I miss my friends.

I don't belong here.

If you make me stay...

I'm gonna hate you.

Well, then,
that's how it's gonna be.

You know, I'm not
a huge fan of yours
right now, either.

But we are
in this together, okay?

We came here because
our family needed support.

And you know what?

No matter what you think

of those crazy, old,
stupid hillbillies,

they will get in
the pickup truck,

and they will pull
you out of any well
that you fall into.

I didn't fall into a well.

Grandma sprayed me
with a hose.

Alright, well, now you
see why you need her
on your side, right?

I'm gonna
make you a deal.

If you're still miserable
in three years,

you can move back
to Chicago.

Really?

Oh, thank you
so much, Mom.

You're welcome.

Wait...in three years,
I'll be ,

and I can do
whatever I want anyways.

Well, I'm trying
to work with you here.

[ Sighs ]

But you know I still have
to punish you, right?

So you're not leaving
this house for three weeks,

you are closing down
the Etsy store,

and you're giving me
all your passwords
to all your accounts

for everything.

How about
none of that happens,

but I just lose
your trust?

Passwords.

[ Sighs ]

Okay.

But just know that there
are some things

on my private
Instagram account

that are less than
flattering about you.

Ditto.

♪♪

[ Door opens ]

Housekeeping.

Look, before
you say anything,

I let my guard down,
and I shouldn't have.

So lesson learned.

Well, don't be too hard
on yourself.

You stepped up
when you needed to.

You know, we all
want to believe

the best in people,
but...

the truth is,
kids lie, people cheat...

and you don't want to
be the one that gets
eaten by the bear.

Wow. Was that
one of your poems?

'Cause I'm starting
to get why your dad
hit you with a broom.

Your father's
just trying to say that,

you know, it's not easy,
and you did a good job.

The whole parenting thing
is kind of learn-as-you-go.

And there's no books
on how to raise kids.

Yes, there are.
There are literally thousands.

Yeah, but it's not like they're
just laying around for free

where anybody can
pick them up and read them.

Yes, you can.

There's a library
two blocks from here.

That's a "liberry"?

Okay, you guys
are hilarious,

but you will be happy
to hear that I got all
of her passwords.

Now you're talkin'.

Let's fire up
this mo-chine

and see what we're
dealing with here.

Rose, it's okay for her mom
to check up on her,

but we're
just snooping.

[ Gasps ]
Move over, girls!

Roseanne:
Hey, you almost done
in there?

I put all my dirty clothes
in the hamper,

I washed my breakfast dishes
and Mark's,

and I closed
my Etsy account.

Yeah, but you almost done
in there?

You got people waitin'.

I think I deserve a nice,
long shower after all that.

Wrong answer.

Hand me the soap,
would you?
[ Gasps ]

Oh, my God!

Ha ha!

Oh, what?

You're too good
to shower with your grandma?