07x07 - Follow the Son

[bunniefuu]

Hey, busboy,
where've you been?

If I wanted to cook
and clean and serve,

I'd stay home.

I was talking
with my friends.

Well, I don't want
those hoodlums
hangin' around here.

They're scaring away
the truckers.

I hate it here.
Why don't you
just fire me?

Because you're
a tiny, little man

and we're still hoping
you might be magical.

You know, Roseanne,
if he doesn't
want to be here,

we should
just let him go.

No way.

I don't want him
hanging out

with those hoodlums
he's made friends with.

I figured if they
see him in the apron

they'll go back
to wantin' to beat him up.

Well, that makes
the third bucket of lard

that I have cleaned out
of this grease trap.

I swear to God, Roseanne,
it's like cleaning out

one of your arteries.

Bitch, bitch, bitch,
that's all you ever are.

Sorry, I just don't understand
how this thing can collect

that much grease so fast.

Would you shut up
about that thing?

We all take our own turn
cleaning it out, you know?

I haven't cleaned
that grease trap out
in over a year.

Neither have I.

Excuse me,
that little boy

just left this note
on my napkin.

"The big, scary one
spits in the food."

D.J.!

I think you should
apologize to the woman.

You know,
I'm real sorry

my mom does that
to your food.

Nice try, D.J.,
but I'm still not
gonna fire you.

And the joke is on you...

[whispers]
because I do spit
in the food.

Ugh, that grease trap
is unspeakable.

I have not felt this filthy
since my last confession.

You know,
you're the only one
who cleans that.

Hey, D.J.,
break time.

What?

What did the boy say?

I said you're
the only one who--

Don't listen to him.
He's a hopeless alcoholic.

My God, Roseanne.

This is the lowest thing
you've ever done.

No, it's not.
You know the tip jar--

That's it, D.J.,
you're fired.

Thanks, Mom!

[laughing]

Your black skirt

with the really
long slit in it?

I--I don't think
that's too revealing.

Okay, I'll come
over at :

and we'll walk over
together.

All right.

Don't forget,
city's got a leash law.

That was no dog.
That was Diana--

What the hell's
she going out
with you for?

Because I'm cute.

You are not.

I am so.

Ever since I broke up
with Darlene

and became all miserable,
tons of girls

have been flirting
with me.

They say I have the sad,
sensitive thing going.

Yeah?

They can feel
sorry for you

when they're nailing
real guys.

Actually, I'm jealous
of you, Mark.

I mean, I'll have to sleep
with dozens of women,

sometimes two at a time,
while you have the security

of sleeping with the same
woman every night...

till the day you die.

[laughing]

Well, I'm glad
you're laughing,

'cause I was worried
that you'd be all bummed out

about Darlene moving in
with that Jimmy guy

she's been seeing.

You're lying.

Wait, Becky didn't
tell you about that one?

Oops.

They hardly
know each other.

Yeah, well,
seeing each other
naked every day

ought to change that.

You know what?
Those girls are right.

You are cute
when you're miserable.

George, that's Mark.
Mark, scram.

All right.
Wow.

I still can't believe
you got me tickets

to Wrestlemania,
Mrs. Conner.

Thank you so much.

I mean, I really don't know
how to thank you enough

other than saying "thank you"
like I just did right now.

Yeah, okay,
here's the thing.

Yours is free,
but for reasons

that you're too young
to understand,

you need to sell D.J.
his ticket for bucks.

Well, where's D.J.
gonna get $ ?

Well, I don't know.

I guess he'll just
have to get a job.

You should
mention that to him.

Well, what if he doesn't
wanna go with me?

You know, I don't think
D.J. likes me very much.

Well, that's just 'cause
you're really boring,

but the tickets
will change everything.

Hey, D.J.,
look who's here.

Get rid of him.

Now, D.J.,
that's not very nice.

George has something
to ask you.

Okay, go ahead,
and keep it short.

Um, D.J., do you wanna go
to Wrestlemania with me?

I got these tickets.
Really?

Yeah. Um, now,
the thing of it is,

you gotta pay me $ .

Or if you don't have a twenty,
you could pay me two tens.
Or a ten and two fives.

Or four fives, which I'd
prefer, 'cause you know
I'm collecting them.

You know, 'cause
I like Lincoln.

Hey, wow, D.J.

Tickets to the hottest
event in town.

Too bad you're broke.

I'm not broke.
Come on, I'll get my money.

What? You're not supposed
to have any money.
You're unemployed.

Ha. I don't need
your stinkin' job.

I get an allowance from Dad.

Freeze.

I was just gonna
get you something...

to hit me with.

You can't go just
givin' him money, Dan.

I want him to learn
responsibility by working
at the diner.

Oh, he's years old.
He's got plenty of time
to learn responsibility.

That is so wrong, Dan.

He is at a crossroads
of his life

where he can either
become a total loser

or a busboy.

Roseanne, none of
his friends have to work.

Well, they will. Them
license plates don't just
make themselves, you know.

All right. From now on,
no more allowance.

I'll just tell him
we went broke again.

Yeah, well, you gotta get back
the money you gave him.

I can't do that.
He'll hate me.

Well, Dan, if he
hates you because you
take back your money,

then he wasn't that
good of a friend in
the first place, was he?

See ya.

D.J., wait a minute.

I've been thinking,

and I've decided
it's not right for
you to get money

without working for it,
so I want you to give me
your allowance back.

Gee, Dan,
that's not fair.

Well, I don't
have it anymore.
I gave it to George.

Well then, you just have
to give me your ticket. Now.

Sorry, D.J. You know,
if it was up to me, I'd
let you go in a second.

Fine. Now it is up to you.

Uh, no, Dan. Remember?
Love, honor and obey?

I'm forced to go
along with you.

Oh, honey, just this once
I think we'll let
you be in charge.

All right, here you go.
Have a good time.

Your dad and I'll just
be here waiting for you,

alone together...
with no witnesses.

Guys, wait up!

Hey, Jimmy, here's
an interesting thing
from psyche class.

Just answer honestly.
There's no right or wrong.

Name three things that
you like about yourself.

Well, let's see, um...
I'd say I'm open-minded,

I've got a good body,

and, uh...
I'm a pretty nice guy.

[scoffs]
Fine, if you're not
gonna take it seriously.

Well, it's almost : .
I gotta run.

Oh, I got it Darlene.
Coffee's on me.

Oh, I know.
I was just getting
a piece of gum.

See you later.

Hey, can I bum a stick?

Uh, sure.

Thanks.

Is this seat taken?

It's all yours.

You're Jimmy Gartner, right?

Yeah. Have we met?

No, I'm...Craig.

Shapiro.

You go out with that
Darlene Conner, right?

Yeah. You know Darlene?

Yeah, yeah.
She's great.

Did you guys meet
in her writing class
or something?

No, actually, we met
at my dance recital.

Really?

So, you're, like, a dancer?

Like a ballet dancer?

Yeah. Ballet, jazz, tap.

Tap? Tap's cool.

Are you, like,
the only guy in the class

or are there other...guys
like you in the class?

Actually, my boxing coach
had me take ballet

to help me with my footwork.

Boxing.

You mean like...hitting?

How do you know Darlene?

I've--I've known her
for a while.

She's a very,
very special girl.

Just happy to know
that she's...better.

Better?
What do you mean?

Nothing.

Nothing.
I can't talk about it.

You know, it would break
a confidence and...

What confidence?

Well, see, uh,
I'm a peer counselor

and, uh...

Never mind.

Darlene went
to a peer counselor?

Why?

I can't divulge
that information.

There's a little thing
called confidential--esness?

So, are you guys serious?

Yeah, we're thinking
about moving in together.

Wow.

What? Bad idea?

No, no, I just...

I never thought
she'd try that again.

Wow.

Listen, I'm sorry
I can't talk to you
about Darlene,

but, you know,
if you wanna talk
about your feelings...

Actually, this moving in
thing together,

it's a little scary,
you know?

Yeah. Yes, it can be.

You don't think
it's a good idea, do you?

Oh, quite the opposite.

I think it'll be
a great test for Darlene.

And for you, well...

what doesn't k*ll us
only makes us stronger.

Hey, David, where were you
for dinner last night?

Everybody picked
the cauliflower

out of their
mixed vegetables,

but you weren't here
to eat it.

Um...I was--
I joined a team at school.

A debate team.
And, uh, we had a game.

Don't try to lie
to me, David.

Sorry.

You've got a new
girlfriend, don't ya?

Yes.

How come she's such
a huge secret?

Uh, she's very--
She's ugly.

How ugly?
[door closes]

Circus ugly?

Hey, David,
where've you been?

Dating a really
ugly girl.

Good for him.
[door closes]

Hey, D.J.,
do you have
enough room

in those pants there?

Don't tell me,
you're the back
of the horse.

They're mine.
Dad bought 'em for me.

Well, isn't that sweet?

Today my little boy
is a Crypt.

No, he just wants
to look good

for his first day
on the job.
Really?

You mean he's ready
to come back to work?

Oh, Dan, tonight
no foreplay.

Well...

he's gonna be learnin'
all about responsibility.

Yep, just like you wanted.

He's coming to work
with me at the garage.
Isn't that great?

You're so delighted,
you could barely speak.

[clang]

You're rewarding me
by making sloppy joes.

And then now
you're gonna put on

something frilly
for dinner.

What's wrong?

He won't be hanging out
with those thugs.

Why are getting
so bent out of shape?

Let's just drop it, Dan.

He's working for you
and that is that.

And I hope
the two of you have

a very happy time together.

Wait a minute,
are you jealous?

Don't be ridiculous.

You're upset because
he's spending time with me?

No!

I'm upset because he's not
spending any time with me.

Oh. Oh, honey...

I thought you were
worried about him
becoming a delinquent.

Oh, please, Dan.
I think you know me
better than that.

He can mug old ladies
for all I care,

as long as he comes home
at the end of the day

and tells me
how it went.

He loves you, honey.

Everybody loves me, Dan.
We're not talking about love.

We're talking about time.

[sniffles]

We used to do things
together, you know?

I'd cut his hair

and we'd bake
M&M cookies and...

we'd send pizzas
over to the convent.

You know, mother-son
type things.

A -year-old boy
doesn't have

much in common
with a -year-old woman.

Actually, if he did,
we'd be worried.

Yeah, but he still
likes you.

You get to be
the buddy

and I'm stuck
being the mom.

Oh, it's just a phase.

You'll have him back
in a few years.

Oh, yeah, well,
after a few years with you,

I ain't gonna
want him back.

Hey, Jimmy.
Funny runnin'
into you here.

Yeah, just like
the library yesterday.

And the cafeteria
and the bowling alley.

It's amazing how we just keep
bumping into each other.

Yeah, well, listen,
uh, I hope we can
talk about something

other than Darlene
this time,

because last time
I was pretty uncomfortable.

Don't worry about it.

So how's that
whole thing goin'?

Stop it.
What?

Look, I went to that
peer counseling office.

They've never
heard of you.

Well, that's 'cause I do
a lot of work...undercover.

Cut the crap.

Look, I know you wanna
break me and Darlene up.

I do not.

Yes, you do,
and I know why.

I know your
whole story, man.

I'm sorry.

I was just desperate.

Why'd you have
to come on to me

if you knew I was straight?

What?

You think I'm gay?

What would make you
think I'm gay?

Come on, Craig,
it was pretty obvious

the first time I met you.

What made it obvious?

A lot of things.

A lot of things
like what?

[sighs]

Well, for one,
you told me
you were an artist.

Well, you're
a ballet dancer,
for God's sakes!

You ever had
your butt kicked
by a ballet dancer?

What are you doing here?

Wait a minute,
you do know Craig?

This is Craig?

The gay guy that's
been hitting on you?

I am not gay!

I want some answers!

No, me first.
Come here.

Wait a minute,
I wanna hear this.

Sit down!

Not you.
Come here!

What the hell
are you doing here?
I don't know.

When I heard that
you guys might
move in together,

I felt like I had
to do something.

So you told
my boyfriend

you were a gay guy
named Craig?

No, I didn't
tell him I was gay,
he could just tell.

I mean, no.

You know what I mean.

David, why are you
messing with my life?

I just didn't want you
to move in with him.

I wanted to stop it.

I can't even look at you.

This is, like,
the most pathetic thing

you've ever done.

Is not.

Wait a minute, pal.

If you weren't after me,
why were you trying

to break me
and my girlfriend up?

Well...

see...

Wow, who's he?

Mm, I'm kinda nervous.

I've never had
a job interview before.

I got all my other jobs
when I was just walking by.

So, tell us,
Ms. Flagler,

why The Lunchbox,
why a busperson?

Well, until
my boyfriend's band

gets a record deal,
he thought I should work,

'cause, you know,
he's never had
a job before.

And they say all
the good ones
are taken.

I know.
I'm really lucky.

He says when he gets famous,
he's gonna take care of me.

Well, that is the good thing
about rock stars:

they're so loyal.

Uh, Ms. Flagler,
this position

requires someone
with experience.

Have you done anything
prior to this

in the bussing field?

I think I can handle it.

Okay, Stacey,
uh, Mrs. Conner and I

always like to discuss
the applicant

before we reach
a decision.

If you will excuse us
for one minute,

we will retire to the...
area that we--

[snickers]

like to call--
Those cannot be real.

Think about it,
Jackie,

she'd be really great
for business.

How do you figure?

Wake up, Jackie.
Even I'm gettin' a woody.

Hey.

What do you want?

Mom, I want
my job back.
Please.

I mean, I just hated
working at the garage.

All I did was move
heavy boxes, so I quit.

Well, D.J., um,
I don't know

if I can take you back
because we've already

filled the position.

Congratulations, Stacey,
you got the job.

Cool. Hey, when does
my insurance start?

'Cause I need some sh*ts.

That's not fair;
I just quit the garage!

Well, I don't know.

Maybe we could use
two buspersons around here,

but I really don't know
if I should hire you back

after the way
you were acting

around here, D.J.

I think, at least,
you owe me an apology.

I'm sorry.

Tell me you love me.

What?

Tell me you love me
or no job.

All right,
I love you.
Jeez.

Great, that's wonderful.

Okay, welcome back.

Well, do you think
tonight you could go
to a movie with me?

Yeah, sure.

But, you know, D.J.,
I don't approve of movies

with sex
and v*olence in 'em,

so you'll just have to
pick one or the other.

Okay.
Okay.

You get your job back?

Yeah.

You ask your mom
to take you to the movies?

Yeah.
Good work.

Well, how 'bout
at the movie

I have to buy
some popcorn?

Nice touch.

You know, D.J.,
you're really doing

a good thing
for your mom here.

One day, you're gonna be
really glad you came back.

I'm already glad.

Did you see
the new busboy?

** [' s porn]

You know, Stacey,
things have sure
changed around here

ever since you started
workin' at The Box.

Have they ever!

What do you mean?

Hello.

Some sailors told me
this was the place to come

for a loose meat sandwich.

My, you're certainly
an attractive man.

Too bad I'm married.

Oh, wait, I forgot.
I'm a huge slut.

I've always been a nice girl.

I wish someone could
teach me to be bad.

Oops...

I got whipped cream
on your shirt.

Let me clean
that up for you.

Yeah. And, you know,
this belt doesn't really

go with these pants.

Would you like
to hear about

our three-for-one special?

How would you like
to get all hot

and sweaty and gooey
and slippery?

[snap]
[gasps]

Man, don't you guys
ever clean this thing?