06x01 - House Fancy/Krabby Road

[bunniefuu]

-Are you ready, kids?

-[kids] Aye, aye, Captain.

-I can't hear you.

-[kids] Aye, aye, Captain!

Oh...

♪ Who lives in a pineapple

Under the sea? ♪

♪ SpongeBob SquarePants ♪

♪ Absorbent and yellow

And porous is he ♪

♪ SpongeBob SquarePants ♪

♪ If nautical nonsense

Be something you wish ♪

♪ SpongeBob SquarePants ♪

♪ Then drop on the deck

And flop like a fish ♪

-♪ SpongeBob SquarePants ♪

-Ready?

[all] ♪ SpongeBob SquarePants

SpongeBob SquarePants ♪

♪ SpongeBob SquarePants ♪

♪ SpongeBob SquarePants ♪

[laughs]

[plays tune]

[humming]

[sighs]

[upbeat music on TV]

Hello and welcome, one and all,

to a super-special episode

of House Fancy!

I'm your host, Nicholas Withers.

Our first guest on today's show

will be none other than...

[phone rings]

Oh...

[clears throat] Hello?

Uh, hello. Uh...

Hell-o.

Hell-o!

[gasps] This isn't

Squilliam Fancyson,

my lifelong rival who I met in

high school band class, is it?

The same.

You wouldn't happen to be

watching House Fancy, would you?

I was until you called.

Well, Squiddy,

I enjoy our chats,

but my catered lunch awaits.

And you know how hard being

fabulous is on an empty stomach.

Wait! Why did you ask

if I was watching House Fancy?

Sorry, Squilliam, but we've

got to get back to the show.

Who's that talking

in the background?

Oh, I'm dreadfully sorry,

Nicky, dear.

Well, toodle-loo, Squidward.

Enjoy the program.

OK, folks! We'll be back after

these important messages.

[shattering]

Welcome back to House Fancy.

I'm Nicholas Withers.

Here next to me

is Squilliam Fancyson.

Hello, peasants.

[furious groan]

Let me start by saying

what a lovely facade you have,

Mister Fancyson.

Why, thank you, Nick!

And your house

doesn't look too bad, either.

Oh, Nicky!

Camera crew, can we get a shot

of Mr. Fancyson's

fabulous house, please?

Hey! That's no better

than my house.

[sniffs]

I bid you welcome to my foyer.

-It's simply glorious!

-[mimics mockingly]

It truly is, Nicky.

It's like I've died

and gone to fancy heaven.

Is that what I think it is?

It sure is.

It's a gilded doorknob.

Absolutely magical.

Absolutely imported!

-May I?

-But of course.

-Oh, lovely.

-Isn't it?

Well, I have to say, Squilliam,

and I think I'm speaking

for all of our viewers out there

when I'm saying this,

you are truly a fancy man.

Oh, well, all this gushing

is perfectly deserved.

And now, I would like

to present to you

my favorite room in the house.

It's all custom.

Ah, look at this.

It's my jewel-encrusted

toilet paper holder!

Such class.

Come. Let me show you...

the roof.

-[laughs] An elevator?

-Watch your step.

This may take a while.

Just sit back and relax.

What the...?

-A whirlpool bath elevator?

-I brought some soap.

-[elevator dings]

-All ashore!

Welcome to my rooftop garden.

Romantic grotto,

sparkling berry mineral soda

waterfall,

and my personal favorite,

a -foot long sculpture

of my uni-brow.

It's huge, and life-like.

If you look closely,

you'll notice it's made entirely

out of gilded doorknobs.

-You have the fanciest...

-[phone rings]

-Uh... what?

-You have the fanciest...

[phone rings]

I have the fanciest ring?

-No, your phone is ringing.

-Oh.

Hello?

Oh, yeah. Hang on.

Uh, it's for you.

[clears throat]

Hello? Hello... Hello?

Hello. My name

is Squidward Tentacles,

and my house is far fancier

than that slob, Squilliam's.

-Really?

-Really!

OK, we'll be at your house in

two hours with a camera crew.

Two hours? But I haven't even

had time to wash my hair.

[shrieks]

There's a stain on the rug!

Uh... Uh...

I'll use this chair to hide it.

There we go.

Now, I'll just... [screams]

There's a hideous hole

in that wall!

I'll just use this painting

to cover it up. Perfect.

[screams] No, no!

[clock chimes]

Oh, I'll never get this place

in shape in time.

SpongeBob, how long

have you been spying on me?

Um, what day is it today?

It's the day you go away

and never come back!

But Squidward, if I do that,

then how am I going to help you

get your house ready

for the big TV show?

-How did you know about that?

-I was spying on you.

You want me to get the cops

down here again? Because...

[clock chimes]

[sighs] All right, fine.

But one slip-up, and you're

out of here, comprendo?

Mucho comprendo,

señor habanero.

All right, first I'm going

to give you something so simple,

a person without a brain

could get it done right.

Ooh, that's good,

cos I lent my brain to Patrick

for the weekend.

-Really?

-No, not really.

He traded me

these chocolate bars for it.

I don't care!

Just use this paint

to cover up that faded part

on the wall.

-Don't touch anything else.

-OK.

[slurping]

[splattering]

SpongeBob? What was that noise?

[screams] Skin me alive

and drench me in boiling oil!

What have you done

to my living room?

I told you to paint

the faded spot!

Well, it all looked

kind of faded.

[hisses]

[clock chimes]

Never mind! Maybe it won't

show up on camera.

Here. Help me move this sofa.

You got it, Squiddy!

Where're we moving her to?

Hang on. I'm trying to

get a grip on the thing.

Now, don't move it till I say...

Ow!

OK, it's on my foot.

Don't... Ow!

-OK.

-[screams]

Ow! SpongeBob, I told you not

to move it till I said... Ow!

-Why do you keep moving it?

-Cos you keep saying "Ow!"

[screams]

I don't need you.

I can move it myself.

See-ee-ee-ee!

Wow, Squidward,

you're so strong!

[crashing]

And you split your sofa in half.

It'll be really easy

to move now!

-[doorbell rings]

-Oh, no! They're already here.

Go get a vacuum to clean up

all the sofa bits.

I got to run upstairs

and dress my wound.

Roger!

OK, Squidward, found the vacuum.

Squidward?

-Well, I'll just vacuum for him.

-[vacuum whirrs]

Hmm, Squidward's house

is really messy.

I'm going to need

some extra power.

[grunts]

Oof!

[slurping]

OK, SpongeBob, I finished...

What the?!

Don't' worry, Squidward,

I'll turn it off.

-Come out of there.

-[doorbell]

-Uh, hang on, please.

-[doorbell rings]

Please, just one more minute,

Nick.

Who's Nick?

Sorry, Squidward,

I couldn't wait any longer.

I gotta use your toilet.

No questions. Thanks.

[muffled groaning]

[toilet flushes]

Whew!

I wouldn't go in there

for a couple days. Or weeks.

[coughing]

Please. Please!

Somebody put me out of

my misery. [coughs]

[wheezes] Have mercy on my soul.

-[whimpers]

-[knocking]

Oh, hey Squidward,

if you see SpongeBob,

can you give him his brain back?

I was borrowing it

for the weekend.

I'll just set it, uh, here.

See you.

-Thank you, Patrick.

-[rattling]

Oh, no!

[screams]

[expl*si*n]

Hello, and welcome back

to House Fancy.

We are at the home

of Mr. Squidward Tentacles,

who claims his house

is far fancier

than that of Squilliam Fancyson.

Let's take a look.

Well, I... I'm not quite sure

how to say this...

Go ahead, say it.

Squidward Tentacles,

you seem to have ushered in

an entire new era

in house fanciness!

-Huh?!

-I have. I have?!

What you have done harkens back

to the illustrious

"Post Primitive" movement,

popularized by Saul Limpkins.

Was he a big inspiration

for you?

Why, yes.

-I've studied him for years.

-[groans]

I would like to announce

that Squidward's house will be

featured in an hour-long,

commercial-free special.

And Squidward will be crowned

House Fancy Prince of the Year,

an honor which was originally

to be bestowed upon Squilliam,

but now isn't.

-[groans]

-Yay!

[whimpers]

Oh, don't worry, Squilliam,

I might be able to get Squidward

to help you redecorate.

He is a personal friend of mine.

Success hasn't gone to his head.

-Still the same old great guy...

-[sobs]

[thunder crashes]

And this is

the maximum-security level.

Since this is your first day,

I'll let you peek at

our number one inmate.

He's too dangerous to let him

around the other inmates.

Why? What'd he do? Rob a bank?

Worse. He tried to steal

the Krabby Patty formula.

Oh... OK...

So, that's why we keep him

behind these impenetrable

six-inch-steel doors.

[door creaks]

Course, it helps to lock it.

He's gone! He's so small,

he could be anywhere.

He could be right under

our noses.

Uh, Frank,

where's your moustache?

[siren blares]

Ha-ha! Those fools will never

find me now.

Aw, come on, baby, you know

how long I been in stir.

Get out! And stay out,

you two-time loser!

After everything

I've done for you!

[Karen] Beat it, you jail bird!

And take all your junk, too.

[grunts]

Well, that's just great.

Hey! It's my old guitar.

I used to play it when

I was in that band as a kid.

Man, those were good times.

OK, everybody, one, two,

one, two, three.

[flat notes]

You know, I don't think

I've had any good times.

♪ Oh, I wish I was frying up

Some Krabby Patties ♪

♪ That's what

I really love to do ♪

♪ Take a cup full of

Whoo-ooh-ooh ♪

♪ And a pinch of awooga ♪

♪ A teaspoon of... ♪

[blows raspberry]

He's singing about

the Krabby Patty.

If I can just get him

to explain that song,

I'll have the Krabby Patty

formula!

-♪ Mix in some... ♪

-Hi, SpongeBob.

♪ Nyah, nyah, nyah ♪

That's a real nice song.

♪ Add a splash of whee ♪

But could you explain

those "Whee!" parts?

♪ And when I'm done

I chop up some... ♪

[yelps]

♪ Love ♪

Are you out of your mind?

Uh, I mean,

that was a delightful song

you were singing.

Thanks, Plankton.

Mr. Krabs makes me censor out

all the patty ingredients

from my lyrics.

Oh, that's terrible!

Krabs shouldn't stifle

a true artist like you.

Go ahead and sing your

patty song, uncensored!

[gasps]

I know what you're doing.

What? Me? I'm not trying

to steal the patty formula!

You want me to join your band.

What band? I don't have a band.

Oh, you can't fool me,

not when you've got

an awesome guitar like that.

And only a true rocker

would have hair as greasy

and nasty as yours.

It'll be so cool!

We can write songs together.

Songs?

Yes! And you can teach me

your Krabby Patty songs.

Yay! Come on.

Let's go get our band together.

-Patrick! Patrick!

-SpongeBob! SpongeBob!

-Patrick, I've got big news!

-Me too! Me too!

What's your news?

I found out

where boogers come from.

[whispers]

-Ew, really?

-Uh-huh. What's your news?

Plankton just asked me

to join his rock and roll band.

Can Patrick join our band?

-Sure, whatever.

-Hear that? You're in.

All right! I play a mean belly.

["William Tell" on timpani]

Wow. Patrick,

we're going to be famous!

[sarcastic laughter]

Give me a break.

You don't know anything

about music.

Too bad you're not

a musical genius like me.

-Oh, Squidward!

-[grunts] What the?

Would you help us

by joining our band?

Well, I could help you,

but I wouldn't soil my art

playing rock and roll,

dressing all in black,

wearing boots covered in spikes.

Playing enormous stadiums filled

with screaming, adoring fans,

clapping, demanding encores.

Cheering me!

[mock cheering]

Oh. I've changed my mind.

I'll join your band

and help you bottom feeders.

But I've got to get in shape

first.

Isn't this great, Plankton?

Squidward is going to help us.

Hmm? Uh, yeah, great.

You know, Patrick,

being in a band

gives you the liberty to dress

with a little more...

-How should I put this?

-Yeah?

Well, with just a little more...

-Go ahead, say it, SpongeBob.

-You know... pizzazz!

[clears throat] Perhaps you

didn't notice my new hair-do.

Whoa-ho-ho! I stand corrected.

And unlike your nasty

little wig, mine is real!

Man! How'd you grow that

so fast?

Natural talent. Watch this.

[grunts]

Whoo! Yeah!

Check that fancy follicle work.

Hey, check this one out!

[grunts]

Oh, man, Squidward's not

going to want to miss this!

-[phone rings]

-Hello?

Squidward, aren't you coming

to band practice?

Are you kidding?!

I've got a lot of work to do

before I'm famous.

[grunts]

-[snap]

-[screaming]

[chuckles] OK, then,

we'll keep your seat warm.

-Patrick?

-I'm on it!

[blows]

Greetings, fellow band mates!

Hey, Plankton. What's that?

-T-shirts!

-[both gasp]

[both] Oh, boy!

Oh, boy! Oh, boy!

"Plankton and

the Patty Stealers?"

Uh, if you guys

don't like the name...

I...

love it!

-Kind of vague and mysterious.

-Can I get mine in pink?

[groans]

[laughs] It looks like a tattoo!

Hey, Plankton,

can our first song go like this?

[loud guitar note]

And then turn into one of

those songs that goes...

[loud screeching]

Yes, perfect.

Now, all we need are the lyrics.

You know, something personal.

Maybe a secret you know,

or a favorite recipe, hmm?

Or one about my new friend,

Plankton.

Or the virtues

of wholesome living!

[screams]

The best kind of lyrics

are the ones that are

deep and revealing.

Something only you know?

[coughs] Secret recipe!

I once searched

for my innermost secrets.

-All I found was this.

-[beating pulse]

Is that what you mean, Plankton?

[grunts]

-What is that?

-It's my recording equipment.

[evil laugh]

Oh, my gosh! What do I do?

Just take a seat here,

and I'll strap you in.

Now, just relax and let

the equipment do its job.

[sucking noise]

Now, let's see what's locked

in his subconscious.

[radio static]

♪ Time to feed him

Time to feed him ♪

♪ Now it's Gary's

Feeding time ♪

-♪ Meow, meow, meow, meow ♪

-Nope.

♪ Brush, brush, brush my teeth

Gently keep them clean ♪

The Krabby Patty formula's

got to be in here somewhere.

[feedback, static]

-What's going... [screams]

-[electricity crackles]

[groans]

[sobs] I'm a failure!

Cheer up, Plankton!

We've still got a whole week

before our first gig

at the Krusty Krab.

[sobs] A-At the Krusty Krab?

Uh-huh. But Krabs doesn't

want us bugging the customers,

so we have to go in

when nobody's there.

When nobody's there? [drools]

[loud rock music]

[grunts]

[gasps] My perfect dream body!

[loud rock music]

[tires screech]

Oh, no! It's the cops.

-I can't let them see me!

-Why?

Why? Cops are autograph hounds.

Yeah, they're always after me.

Hmm, that's tough.

Don't worry, I'll hide you.

[inhales]

Hey! What are you kids up to

this late at night?

We're on our way to

our first gig. We're in a band.

A band, huh?

Well, that's, uh... Oh.

-You've got a, uh...

-Got a, uh, what? [giggles]

Uh, it's right...

Yes? [giggles]

Just keep your nose clean, kid.

Sure thing, officer!

[blows nose]

They're gone.

You will never speak of this

to anyone.

Come on, come on! Hurry up.

Don't worry,

I just need to get the key out.

[hums]

Give me that,

you incompetent fool.

Yes! The Krabby Patty formula

is mine!

Uh, I mean,

we'll have a great time!

Now, where does Krabs

keep that formula?

Whoo! Let's rock!

-Yeah!

-We're gonna be stars!

All right,

Squidward, are you ready?!

-[loud chord]

-I'm ready!

OK! Patrick, are you ready?

[drums, grunts]

Plankton, are you ready?!

[crickets chirp]

Plankton? [gasps] Plankton!

[feedback]

Uh, I'm ready!

Wait a minute.

Was this band just a front

so you could steal

the Krabby Patty secret formula?

What? No!

I was in it for the music, man.

[police sirens]

[sighs] Well, at least

I'm back to my old cell.

Oh, no, you're not. We've got

a special cell for you.

But I liked my old cell!

Then you're gonna love this one.

There's no time to waste,

Plankton!

We've only got years to

practice before our next gig!

A one, and a two...

-[loud rock music]

-[Plankton screams]