01x05 - Honeymoon

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Gaslit". Aired: April 24, 2022 - present.*
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Modern twist on the 1970s Watergate scandal centering around untold stories and forgotten characters of that time.
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01x05 - Honeymoon

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Y'all gonna just stand around,

or you wanna ask me some questions?

[MARTY] Dad got fired from his
job at the White House.

We can move anywhere.

[MARTHA] Daddy did not get fired.

[LAWYER ] Mitchell will be the
one holding the bag, trust me.

[LAWYER ] Probably be happy to
go to prison to get away from Martha.

[SIRICA] Conspiracy to
commit burglary and wiretapping.

I sentence you to the maximum penalty

allowable under federal law.

We'll reconvene in two months' time

to formalizing sentencing.

[LIDDY] You ever thr*aten
to squeal again,

it'll be the last time you ever squeal.

Pat Gray is feeding me
their reports, okay?

You satisfied?

[LIDDY] Oh, director
of the FBI. Very impressive.

It's only a matter of time before
they figure out what's going on.

Maybe it's the routine that scares me.

I just want you to know

I can't imagine the rest
of my life without it.

My own boy, Jay, is over there

fighting for his life as we speak.

- Who is it for you?
- My little brother.

I'm a doer. I don't just
sit around and do nothing.

And if you don't do your own talking,

someone is gonna do it for you
in this town.

the Nixon administration

be afraid of you, Mrs. Mitchell?

Well, I think you know
the answer to that.

Attagirl, Martha.


♪ ♪


Good afternoon.

Uh, the president would like
to assure the public

that when it comes to illicit profit

from land deals in California,
uh, he has nothing to hide,

uh, despite what leftist
Democrats might allege.


On the contrary, the president
has paid his full and normal tax load,

just like any citizen.

Therefore, an examination
of his personal taxes

at this point
feels like a political ploy

and is simply not necessary.

Any further update on the subject

will come through official channels, uh,

before you hear it in the
secretarial pool at The Post.


And with that, I'd like to
open it up to any questions.

- [REPORTER] Mr. Ziegler.
- [HELEN] Over here.


Yes, I was wondering if the White House

has any comments on the accusations

currently being levied
against the president...

Yeah, now, uh, before you go
any further, Helen.

Uh, I have been made aware

that there is a certain
citizen individual

who has gotten herself some attention,

uh, in the press as of late...

Martha Mitchell.

Well, I'm not naming any names, Helen.

Um, but I would just like to say

that we all have a certain nature,

something to which we must adhere.

And the nature of this
particular individual

has been rather bellicose
and unreliable.


Please welcome a woman
who's fast becoming

the biggest thorn
in Richard Nixon's side

since Pat shoved him
into the rose garden...


...the captivating, controversial,

undeniable Martha Mitchell.


Mike, you make me sound
like a best seller.

Now, Martha, you are the first person

that I'm aware of to publicly accuse

the president of responsibility
for the Watergate break-in.

Pretty sure I won't be the last.

But Mrs. Mitchell's making
some very grave accusations

against the president.

I would be remiss to point out

that they are accusations
that no one else has made.

[NEWS ANCHOR] President Nixon
has been re-elected

by a landslide.


[CHICAGO] ♪ Sitting
Cross-legged on the floor ♪

Will you marry me?


[CHICAGO] ♪ Twenty-five
Or six to four... ♪

I, Richard Nixon, do solemnly swear

I will faithfully execute the office

of president of the United States.

You also accused the president

of ordering your alleged
imprisonment in California.

Yes, I do, and I-I also believe

that the president is attempting

to leave my husband holding
the bag for his dirty tricks,

and I won't let that happen.

You always speak
your mind on our show, Martha.

- We really appreciate that.
- I do. I speak my mind.

I am a Southern woman.
We speak our minds.

We talk. I never stop talking.

I bet your husband just loves that.

He takes it in stride.


[CHICAGO] ♪ Wanting just ♪
♪ To stay awake... ♪


They're admirers.


Jimmy, it's been so long,

I was beginning to think
we weren't friends anymore.

[CHICAGO] ♪ Should I try ♪
♪ To do some more... ♪

What you hearing at The Tribune
these days, anyway?

I don't think the woman's
in her right mind.

She might call herself a Republican,

but she's not one of us.

She's a truth teller.

[MARTHA] Well, look at what they did
to poor Dorothy Hunt?

She was on that horrible plane
that crashed,

and then they found $ , cash on her.

Seeing as how this person
cannot be stopped

or reasoned with in any way,

uh, the White House
harbors the fervent hope

that she can avail herself
of familial comfort

and professional help.

♪ ♪


♪ ♪


- Oh!

[TOM] What do you say about the rumors

out of the White House that
you've struggled with alcohol?

I say a rumor is just
a lie without a home.

She's a lush and a pill popper too.

She's got problems emotionally
and whatnot, but, um, who doesn't?

♪ ♪

[MARTHA] They were the ones
that stonewalled

Wright Patman's committee
in the House last October.

Well, then I can be your source,

'cause I'm telling you it's factual.

Oh, you know what I forgot to ask you?

Did you get those Hummels
I sent after the wedding?

And you stated elsewhere that
your goal is to take down Nixon.

But the president's approval
numbers just keep climbing.

If the American people

knew half of what I do
about their government,

they wouldn't have much to approve of.

So Mrs. Mitchell's behavior

isn't getting to the first lady
or the president,

as has been reported?

Do you hear yourself
when you ask these questions?

I mean, for criminy's sake, come on.

Let me ask the obvious question.

What is obvious?

Are you crazy?



Frickin' loudmouth.


Limousine liberal.

Groovy liberated.

Commie b*tch.

♪ ♪

[BAILIFF] All rise.

This court is now in session

with the Honorable
Judge John Sirica presiding.

You may be seated.

Gentlemen, I called you in
today for a formal sentencing.

But first, I'd like to say a few words.

When I was a younger man,

Jack Dempsey was my sparring partner.

I don't say that to boast,

and I certainly don't say it to imply

that I wasn't getting pummeled
every Tuesday at the Y.

But I know what it means to have heart.

And frankly, the group of you
have shown a lot of heart,

taking all the licks you have
in this courtroom.

And I believe it's to be commended.

But a fighter also has to know
when it's time to throw in the towel.

Which brings me
to a very interesting letter

I received this morning...

...from Mr. McCord.

"Certain questions have been posed to me

from Your Honor through
the probation officer"...

You rat f*ck!

I'll f*cking... I'll f*cking k*ll you!

- [SIRICA] Order!

I will f*cking k*ll you!

- [SIRICA] Remove him!
- [LIDDY] You f*ck!

I'll f*cking k*ll you!

You f*ck! I should've f*cking k*lled you

when I had the chance!

- [SIRICA] Get him out of here!
- [LIDDY] You f*ck!






Come in.

The partners brought these over
for you to sign.

How are you settling in?

Oh, you know.

I know.

Looking like you got a little sun.

Oh, stop.

Any calls from the White House?

They're probably just...


I ran two of d*ck's campaigns,
the ones he won.

The least you'd think
I could expect is to get

a g*dd*mn f*cking call back.

Oh, I never saw that one.

Look at those two young men.

Not my best angle.

Oh, stop. You look handsome.

You know, I always wondered.

Do he and Pat ever...


Not since Trish was born.


Too bad.

And, uh, Mr. Mitchell,
if you ever need anything,

uh, I'm right outside your door.

You know that, right?

Of course. Thank you, Diana.


God damn it.

- [DIANA] I'm sorry

to bother you again, Mr. Mitchell,

but I-I think you should
turn on the news.

In what reads like a wish list

for the prosecution,
James McCord's letter alleges

a massive campaign
of sabotage and obstruction

on the part of the Nixon administration.

Reports from Capitol Hill
cite Mr. McCord's letter

as a reason to open a Senate committee

dedicated to the Watergate matter.

If that happens, both present

and former members of the administration

may become targets of the investigation.

The news will come as a shock

to the newly re-elected president,

who might have considered
the burgeoning scandal

safely behind him.


[MARTHA] "Mr. McCord
has joined lone voices"

"in the wilderness
such as Martha Mitchell

"in publicly implicating
the president's closest aides

in the Watergate break-in."

Well, at least now they will see

I was right about
the whole rotten lot of 'em.

Are you sure you don't want any?

Yes, thank you.


Boy, they've really
got 'em lined up now.

[LAUGHING] Bunch of bowling pins.


Martha, can we focus on the book?

I-I really wanna get
some work done today.

Oh. Of course.

You have my undivided attention.

So, the Pine Bluffs records office

didn't have a death certificate
on file for your father...

Oh, Maria! Ooh!

This is my good friend Maria
from back in the New York days.

Maria, this is Winzola McLendon.

She is my biographer
and a first-rate journalist.

Right up there with Helen Thomas.


[MARIA] A-a biography?

Martha, you are too much
for this town, I swear.

Oh, guess who I ran into at the A&P.

- Who?
- [MARIA] Jay.


Jay, your son?

You said he was still in Vietnam.

[MARTHA] Oh, no, he's been
stateside for a while now.

Living with all those Jews
down in Baltimore.

[MARIA] He's such a kind boy.
Won the Silver Star, you know.

Purple Heart. Now, did he mention to you

that he has moved in with
that little girlfriend of his?

I darn near h*t the roof.

Can I interview him? For the book.

But you have me,
the greatest source of all.

Yes, it just might be
interesting is all.

Well, of course,
if that's what you want to do,

but I will give you a piece of advice.

If that little girlfriend of his

invites you over for dinner,
take an entrée.

[WHISPERING] She's a vegetarian.


Although there are reports
that the convicted

Watergate conspirators might be first

to testify at the formal hearings,

which begin a week from Thursday,

Ervin and Baker would only say
that the witness list

will be out later this week.

And the first set
of hearings will last...

[HALDEMAN] Hey there!

How's married life treating you, champ?

[DEAN] Uh, it's only been a week,

but so far, so good. [CHUCKLES]

Yeah, Mo is a-a little peeved

we had to stick around D.C., and, uh...

Oh, I'm so sorry you had
to cancel your honeymoon.

Now this damn McCord letter's
gotten everybody in a fright.

Yeah, no, it's, uh... It's all right.

You know, we hadn't actually left yet,

so it was just a matter of unpacking.

[HALDEMAN] Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Well, still, the president,
he feels awful about it.

He and the first lady
would like to gift you

a little getaway weekend.

Something to tide you over
until you and the missus

can spring for the real honeymoon.

- You gotta be sh1tting me.

President never shits anyone
about Camp David.

- [HALDEMAN] Here are the keys.

Directions, list of amenities
should be included.

This is unbelievable.

I-I... thank you so, so much. I...

Oh, my God, Mo's gonna flip.

I... this... I don't know what to say.

- You earned it. No.
- [DEAN] Oh.

And look, it'll be good
to have a little time away

from the city to write that
investigative report, right?


I'm sor... um...

sorry, i-investigative report?

Oh, yeah. Did nobody tell you?

Oh, huh. Oh, okay.

No, it's just something, uh,
d*ck wants typed up.

You know, some legalese
that separates the White House

from any involvement.

You know, boilerplate stuff,
something to help

put an end to all this
Watergate fuss, but...

Well, right, right.
It-it-it's just, um...

[KAY] Sir.

It's Mitchell calling for you again.


Can you, uh, tell him
I'm in a meeting, Kay?

- [KAY] Yes, sir.
- [HALDEMAN] Please. Thank you.


That pathetic bastard.
He just... he won't take a hint.

You know?

Don't tell me he's been calling you too.

Well, once or twice.
I-I haven't actually answered.

Yeah, I tell you,
he should do something useful

and put a shovel to that
embarrassment of a wife.


You-you go enjoy Camp David.

Uh, well, uh, as I was saying, sir,

um, you, uh... About that report...


Do... you know, with all
the r-renewed media scrutiny,

do you really think it's wise

that I put my name
on an investigative report

without doing an actual investigation?


Yeah, could seem a little fishy, huh?

I mean, I-I-I could be indicted
for obstruction of justice.


Right. Yeah.

No, you know what? Forget it.


The president would never wanna
put you in a tough position.

- [DEAN] Right. Of course, yeah.
- Not at all.

No, we got it covered,
lover boy, all right?

You go enjoy Camp David, all right?

I will. Thank you, sir. My goodness.

This is... this is incredible.
Thank you. Thank you so much.

You're so welcome. No, you've earned it.

[DEAN] I'll send you a postcard.

- [HALDEMAN] Okay, please do.

- [DEAN] Thank you, sir.
- All right. Have fun.

[DEAN] Thank you.





Kay, could you be a doll, please,

and get me John Mitchell now?

Thank you.



[GRAY] Good afternoon, gentlemen.

Good day.


firstly, I want to commend you
on your excellent work

as part of the Watergate task force.

There's a lot of armchair
quarterbacks in this town,

but I think we could all benefit

from a lot more positive reinforcement.

Am I right? This guy knows I'm right.

Secondly, you may hear some news

over the next few days

about my leadership, uh, of the bureau.

The last year or so,
it seems I have been

in communication, um, with...

certain folks at the White House...

regarding the state
of the investigation,

giving them...

copies of the s and so forth.

Copies of the s?

- [GRAY] And...
- Excuse me, sir.

I'm sorry to interrupt.

You're not saying that you've
been leaking our investigation

to the people we've been investigating.


I mean, I wouldn't exactly,

but, uh, yeah, that's, uh,

about right, yeah.

That sounds, uh, accurate.

And all that's gonna come out.

Uh, at this point,
I think it might be in keeping

with my desire to create

a more open and, uh, inclusive
working environment

that I would open up, uh,
the forum to some questions.

Which you-you can...

submit in writing to my secretary

to be answered at a future date.



Look at the time.
I've gotta run to a meeting.

Uh, great work. Thank you.

Let's keep this going. [CHUCKLES]

I can't believe it.

I can.

f*ck it.

If Gray's gonna be stuck
doing damage control,

forget the protocol.

Why don't we just start doing
real police work?




[LINDA] ♪ Now the weekend's come ♪

♪ I'm gonna throw my troubles away... ♪

♪ ♪

♪ I want to see ♪
♪ The bright lights tonight ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Meet me at the station ♪
♪ Don't be late... ♪

[PERSON] Mr. and Mrs. Dean, welcome.


[LINDA] ♪ I need to spend some money ♪

♪ And it just won't wait... ♪

[DEAN] Welcome to Camp David, Mrs. Dean.

[MO LAUGHING] Oh, my God.

[LINDA] ♪ Take me to the dance ♪
♪ And hold me tight ♪


[LINDA] ♪ I want to see
The bright lights tonight ♪

[MITCHELL] Oh, I thought I'd
been cast off on an iceberg.

[ROSE MARY] John, welcome back.
You've been missed.

He's just been so busy lately.
You know how he gets.

Well, I ought to.

I am the poor bastard's
best friend, aren't I?


[EHRLICHMAN] Speak of the devil.

- [HALDEMAN] Hey, John Mitchell.
- [COLSON] Oh!

- [EHRLICHMAN] There he is.

John, great to see you.

- [MITCHELL] Bob, hey John.
- How are ya, chief?

what are you all doing here?

Where's the big enchilada?

[HALDEMAN] Oh, d*ck got pulled
into an emergency meeting,

but he sends his best.

Yeah, have a seat.

Uh, scotch? You prefer gin?

John Dean's the only f*g

who drinks gin around here.


Maybe I should schedule when
it's a better time for the president.


[EHRLICHMAN] That won't be necessary.

We could use your input
on a couple of details

he's been asking us about.

[COLSON] Yeah, couple sticky wickets.

A few things you can
clear up for us, sir.

Mm-hmm, what-what-what do you...
What do you got?

[HALDEMAN] Well, for instance...

this Gordon Liddy character.

Now, he was part of your outfit
at CREEP, correct?

Him, Hunt, and McCord?

You've met Liddy.

You've all met Liddy.

Hmm. I don't recall that.

[COLSON] No. Me neither.

[EHRLICHMAN] Drawing a complete blank.

Maybe you could just
refresh us on exactly

- how you recruited him.
- [EHRLICHMAN] Mm-hmm.

[HALDEMAN] You know, in fact,

might be best if you just took us

through the whole planning and operation

- of the thing from your end.
- [COLSON] Just for clarity.

Just we can see
how it all came together.

You put the ball in motion
on this thing, correct?

The break-in was your brainchild, right?

[HALDEMAN] That's right.


♪ ♪

You know, John... [SIGHS]

...I'm-I'm a little fuzzy on it.

In fact, the only break-in
I can remember is, uh...

the Ellsberg.

That was your job, right?

And, Bob, weren't you point on that plan

to b*mb the Brookings Institute?

Or-or was that you, Chuck?

It was a shame that one didn't happen.

I-I thought there'd be
a great weenie roast.


All right.

And then there's those nights where...

Where we all sat up,

trying to figure out
how to secretly b*mb

the f*ck out of Cambodia.

I think we get the point.

[MITCHELL] Have you got the point,
or you need it f*cked up your ass

and broken off on the other end?


♪ ♪



I was f*cking with you.

Yup. You're so tense.

You f*ck.


[HALDEMAN] He's f*cking with us!

All right, well, uh,
I think that's about it.

Thanks for coming in,
you friendless sack of sh*t.

I have enjoyed every minute
of it, you f*ck-for-brains.

[HALDEMAN] Can't wait for this one

to be frog-marched to prison, huh?

[MITCHELL] You talentless bunch
of sh*t-gibbons

are more likely to be the first there.

What do you think? What do you think?

[HALDEMAN] Get ass
cancer and die. Bye-bye, now.

Wait. Are there microphones in here?

- [HALDEMAN] Jesus, Chuck.
- Wh-which...

They're in here, right?
They're in there.

That's where they are.

- [ROSE MARY] Oval Office.



Oh, no.

No, no, no.

- No, no.
- [LANO] Mr. Magruder!

How you doing today?

I don't know if we've formally met.

I'm Special Agent Angelo Lano.

This is my partner, Paul Magallanes.

- No way. No way. Thank you.
- [LANO] What's going on?

I-I know who you are.

I've seen you around. I gotta go.

I gotta pick up my kid for the dentist.


[MAGALLANES] Well, we were wondering

if you could help us clear up
some of the illicit communications

between CREEP and FBI Director Gray.

Okay, I'm gonna stop you
right there, uh, Pancho Villa,

because I-I don't know anything

about any secret, uh, communications...

Illicit communications with the FBI.

So why don't you two,
you know, buzz off?

[MAGALLANES] Mr. Magruder,
I know you don't wanna

find yourself on the business end

of a -year sentence
for obstruction of justice.

- [MAGRUDER] Hey, okay.
- [MAGALLANES] Or do you?

Okay, I know what you're trying
to do here, all right?

You think that you can, uh,
you know, just intimidate me

because I'm just gonna roll over

and let you f*ck me up the ass.

Yeah. That's right. That's right.

You wanna come here
to my place of business,

and you wanna f*ck me.

You wanna f*ck me up the ass.
Both of you.

Please get yourselves
off of my Oldsmobile.

[MAGALLANES] All right.

Maybe it's time we give
the poor guy a break.

- He's not talking.
- [LANO] No? You don't think so?

[MAGALLANES] I don't think so.

[LANO] That's too bad,
because the first one

who talks gets sweetheart deal, right?

[MAGALLANES] That's right.

I don't want the sweetheart deal.

Man of steel, gotta give him that.

- Fort f*cking Knox.

[LANO] We'll see you soon.

Why? Why would you see me?

I don't... I don't know anything.

Did you not hear me tell you?

I am ignorant of what
you are talking about.

You f*ck me, I f*ck you.

- [MAGALLANES] All right.
- [LANO] Yup.

I f*ck you.

[LANO] See you soon, Jeb.


♪ ♪

I wouldn't be the first, right?


[LEONARD AND RONEE] ♪ As the mist ♪

Mine are flawless

♪ Leaves no scar ♪

♪ ♪

♪ On the dark green hill ♪

♪ ♪

♪ So my body ♪


♪ Leaves no scar on you ♪


[LEONARD AND RONEE] ♪ And never will ♪

♪ ♪

Oh, sh*t.

[LEONARD AND RONEE] ♪ Through windows ♪

♪ In the dark... ♪

Oh, great!

[LEONARD AND RONEE] ♪ The children go ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Like arrows ♪

♪ With no targets ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Like shackles... ♪

[GASPS] Oh, my God.


That was mean.

♪ True love leaves no traces ♪


♪ If you and I are one ♪

♪ ♪

♪ It's lost In our embraces... ♪


[MO] We'll probably be the first
people to ever have sex here.


[DEAN] They're-they're beaming
these in from a-a satellite?


- This one's from Japan.
- [MO] Mm.

Isn't that far out?



Hey, what's wrong?

My mother is such a complicated woman,

but she would always tell me
that she knew

that she was going to spend
the rest of her life

with my father from the moment
that she met him,

and I was always looking
for that exact same feeling

and so worried that I didn't feel it

or couldn't feel it at all and...

And you felt it when you met me.

No, that's what I'm saying.

I, at first, hated you so much, so much.

Oh, it was overwhelming.
You must've felt that, John.

But then I got to know you,
and all of a sudden, I...

...I just... I don't know.

It's not anything like my mom
said it would be.

I feel like I'm only capable

of loving you desperately

or hating your guts,

which I still do some afternoons.

That's not very romantic, is it?

I... you know what it is? I'm drunk.

- [DEAN] No.
- That's all it is.

You're-you're scared.

I don't know. Maybe.

[DEAN] It's okay. It's okay.
I'm scared too.

I've never been here before.
I don't know how all this ends.

But I know that we're here.
We made it this far.

- We're at Camp David.

I don't know, I thought getting married

was supposed to take away the fear.

We have nothing to fear but fear itself.


- Is that Mama Cass?

Refill on your drink, Mrs. Kennedy?

That sounds... yeah.

Why don't you make it a double?

Oh, I serve at the pleasure
of the president.



The investigation should be thorough

and aboveboard.

- And second...
- Your boyfriend's on.

[NIXON] ...that if there were
any higher involvement,

we should get the facts out first.

White House counsel
John Dean has been assigned

to monitor these investigations.

I entrusted the task of getting me

the written report to Mr. Dean.

Whatever the facts might be,

I wanted the White House to be
the first to make them public.

- [PROTESTOR] Shall we march?
- [ALL] Yeah.

In the streets! In the streets!

- [PROTESTOR] All right.
- Free Martha Mitchell!

[ALL] Free Martha Mitchell!

[MARTHA] I have put down
the only earrings

that go with this necklace,
and I just cannot...

Now I'm late.

[TV ANNOUNCER] ...here
on the par-three golf course

on Monday night...

You have been moping for weeks

while I have been out
defending our reputation.


From where I sit,

looks a bit more self-serving than that.

[MARTHA] Self-serving?

[MITCHELL] Look at these freaks.

[ALL] Free Martha Mitchell!

You're practically a teen idol,
just what you always wanted.

That'll goose book sales.

We're looking at boarding schools.
Be sure to clear your schedule.

[MITCHELL] Diana'll take care of that.

She's very attentive.

Don't, uh, let Marty stay up too late.

And there's pot roast in
the kitchen if you get hungry.

[MITCHELL] I won't.


What the hell, Bob?

Come on, you...

No, you said I didn't have
to write that report.

Well, the president's
plastering it all over the news.

That's-that's my name out there.
I could go to jail for this.

Listen. I am on your side.

But d*ck just isn't gonna budge on this.

If you nut up and do the right thing,

then it'll just be
a lot easier for everyone.

Is-is that a thr*at?

Of course not, buddy.

I just want to help you
get out of your own way.

I hope you're having fun up there.

No, Bob. Bob? Bob?

[CARSON] What song is sung at a
dress-up party on f*re Island?


f*ck! f*ck! f*ck! f*ck!



I feel like something's going on.

[MARTHA] Whoo-ooh.

Somebody was hungry.



I just... I feel strong
when I'm with you.

Like I can do anything.

[DIANA] Oh, John.

When we're in the office together,

I can barely stand it.

I want you inside me so badly.

[MITCHELL] Mm. Soon.

We'll book a room at the Roosevelt

and sneak off.


- [DIANA] Oh, my God, John.


♪ ♪

You really think this is gonna work,

just sitting here like this?

[LANO] Oh, yeah.


Once we had this potential witness

in a white-collar case.

Criminal mastermind like this guy here.

We did everything to get him to talk,

but nothing worked.

Then my partner gets this idea,

stake out his house for the weekend
just for the f*ck of it.

I'm telling you, within seven hours,

this assh*le comes out
to the car and says he'll talk.

- Wow.
- Yeah.

It's one thing to feel like
a criminal when you're alone.

It's another thing to feel it

when you're with your wife,
your children.

It feels invasive somehow, unbearable.

He'll be singing
to the special prosecutor

by tomorrow morning.

[MAGALLANES] Deputy campaign director.

Guy shouldn't be deputy director

of a f*ck' White Castle.

It... this is some charmed
gringo sh*t right here.

- That's what that is.
- What do you mean, gringo sh*t?

You saw when new assignments
went up last week, right?

[LANO] Yeah.

All the Hispanic guys
got sh*t jobs, right?

[LANO] Well...

- Well?
- [LANO] Yeah.

- Translation. Transcription.
- [LANO] Okay.

You know what they used
to call guys like me

- when I was at the Academy?
- [LANO] What?

The Taco Squad.

- Don't laugh.

That's cafeteria sh*t-talk.

It's not a big thing.

So you're telling me

it wouldn't get under your skin
if you were part of the...

I don't know, the-the-the Dago Division?

Look, I'm just sayin',

we're all jockeying for a spot
at the trough, right?

Even Sergeant Dickhead over here.

[GAIL] You have to drink something.

- [MAGRUDER] It's a hot one.
- [GAIL] Yeah.


[MO] Why didn't you tell me
about this, John?

I don't know.

I'm such an idiot.

I just... I thought if I...

If I kept it all a secret,

then eventually, it would just...

go away.

That's the logic of a five-year-old.

I'm-I'm-I'm your wife.

That's not really how this works.

I know. I know. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Okay, so this investigative report

that Haldeman wants you to write...

[DEAN] I told you the report is a sham.

If I write it, I am the first official

with knowledge of the cover-up
to lie about it publicly.

That is what they want.

They wanna pin it on me

so that they can squash
any more investigations.

[MO] What happens
if you refuse to do that?

[DEAN] Wha... if I ref... [LAUGHS]

Th-they'll draw and quarter me
in the press.

They'll destroy me.

You don't know what kind of tools

they have at their disposal, Mo.

I should know, I've used them.

[LAUGHING] Oh, my God. Stop talking.

I know I let you down. I-I'm...

I-I didn't mean to keep things from you.

I just... it all got out of hand.

[MO] Okay.

I'm only gonna say this one time, okay?

You cannot ever do this
to me again, ever.

I know.


Now, you obviously
can't write that report,

and we cannot let them
drag you through the press.

So what's the third option?

I-I can't just walk

into the special prosecutor's office.

Why not?

Because I'm-I'm at the center
of this thing.

I'm the bad guy.

Well, what if you're the guy
who saw an injustice

and decided to do something about it?

Wh-what do you mean?

I'm saying... okay, if you
come out against these people,

these criminals,

you no longer have
a legal problem, right?

You have, what, a-a-a PR problem.

And you know what?
I-I've spent my entire life

creating versions of myself
to please people

to get what I want,

and what I want is for you
not to go to jail.

So we just...

teach you how to do that.

We're gonna have you tell the truth

in a way that America likes you.

Create a version of you that
people can see themselves in.

I think that's how we win this, John.

That's how we get free.

You just have to trust me.


I mean, do you trust me?


I love you... so much.

Thank you both so much for meeting me.

Oh, thank you.

Um, I would offer you some,

but I-I hear that you're a vegetarian.

Martha told you that?



So, um, listen, Jay,

I was surprised when your mom mentioned

that you were back from overseas.


Well, actually, I've been back
a few years now.

My mother sometimes likes to tell people

from the press I'm still fighting.

You know, exaggerate for effect.

Drunks tend to do that.

Um, and I have here
that your father, Clyde,

divorced your mother in .

[JAY] Yeah, that's right.

I-I guess she met Mr. Mitchell
the year before,

and, um, I was nine,

so I-I don't really know
much about that.


And, um, what can you tell me
about growing up with your mom?

Um, anything will help, um, you know,

memories, anecdotes, that sort of thing.

Yeah, yeah. Uh, oof. Well...

Look, there is a reason why
Martha never talks about Jay.

- Well...
- It's because

she left him behind with everything else

from her past
that she'd prefer to forget.

- I-I'm sorry?
- Sharon...

She is a selfish, troubled woman

who happened to raise
a sensitive and loving son.

But I don't credit that to her mothering

any more than I credit a hurricane

for the next sunny day.




Now, if you will excuse me,
I have to use the ladies' room.

Sorry about that.

She's just a little protective of me.

[WINNIE] That's okay.

Strong women tend to be that way.

I brought something
that I wanted to give you.


It's just some things of my mother's

that I've collected over the years.

Old photos.

Stuff she left behind.

Uh, maybe it might help with your book.

Of course.

Thank-thank you so much. That's...

So how's she doing, anyway?

She's fine.

Yeah, she's playing
a pretty dangerous game

with the press right now,

antagonizing the White House
like that, but, uh...

she's tough, your mom.

You know, she has a way of, um,

working against herself.

Yeah, that sounds like her.

[WINNIE] There are days when I think

I should just move on
and cover something else,

but she calls me up
and wins me over, so...

Look, I know my mom
is a lot to handle...

...but don't give up on her.

Thank you.


♪ ♪

Martha, if we don't leave now,
we're gonna be late.

Great, it's a boarding school
tour, not La Scala. Come on.

Well, I have to wear it somewhere.

Otherwise, it's a waste,
and you never take me anywhere.

[MITCHELL] Zolton's been
waiting an hour down there.

You're awfully grumpy. Up late?

[MITCHELL] Not now.

[MARTHA] I'll take a number
like everybody else.

What are we up to now?

[MITCHELL] Don't listen to your mother.
She's full of stories.

And gin.

[MARTHA] I'd have to be drunk
to put up with you.

♪ ♪



These are our social grounds,

a place to relax with new friends.

- [MARTHA] Eyes forward.
- [MITCHELL] Stop it.

[MARTHA] I'd say
they're all too young for you,

but you never listen to your wife.

We are not gonna do this here.


Oh, I think that one
might have her learner's permit.


[TOUR GUIDE] Over this way,
you'll see the sports courts.

We believe a healthy body
promotes a healthy mind.

[MARTHA] Mm, maybe I should
take a lover too,

take the pressure off.

[MITCHELL] You're the one that
keeps creating the pressure,

the one on television
every second of the day.


[MARTHA] Well, I wouldn't
have to go on TV

if you had the guts to speak out.

Oh, God. Not this again.
I can't take it anymore.

Hey. Could you guys keep it down?

Keep yourself down, buddy.

- Excuse me?
- Come on, Martha.

There are children here.

Tell them to mind
their own damn business.

Hey, pal, might wanna handle your wife.

- The hell you say to me?
- Dad.

[PARENT] Maybe this is the reason

the president canned you, assh*le.

How dare you speak
to my husband like that?

[TOUR GUIDE] If I can direct your
attention to the field hockey area?

[PARENT] What are you gonna do, lady?

You gonna go on TV and make a sucker

out of me like you did to your husband?

Stop it. Stop it.

You smug little prick.

- [MARTY] Dad.



- [MARTHA] Jackass.
- [PARENT] Jerk.


You all right, darling?

- Mitchell. Oh!


[MARTHA] Somebody get a doctor, please.

Somebody get a doctor.

[MARTY] What's wrong? What's happening?

Just catch your breath.
Just catch your breath.

[MARTY] Daddy, what's wrong?

Daddy, are you okay?

♪ ♪


[LANO] f*ck.

They not teach you to use a waste bin

at the Academy? My word.

[LANO] Uh, Mrs.-Mrs. Magruder.

Hello. May, uh...

Can we... can we help you?

My husband,
he suffers from the nocturia.

[LANO] Um...

- what?
- The what?


It's a medical term
for an overactive bladder

brought on by anxiety.

So when he's nervous,
he has to pee, and so he pees.

But right away, he immediately
gets this burning sensation

like he has to go again.

It's just a trick
his mind is playing on him.


I'm-I'm sorry, Mrs. Magruder...

Call me Gail.

Uh, sure, Gail.

Why are you telling us this?


Because ever since
the two of you amateurs

have been sitting outside of my house,

Jeb has been inside going
back and forth to the restroom

as if it's an Olympic sport.

The poor dummy is convinced
you boys are gonna haul him off

to some secret prison
in Bolivia or something.

He can't stop peeing.
It's driving me crazy.

Well, we sympathize with you, Gail.

But if Jeb didn't want anyone
looking over his shoulder,

maybe he shouldn't have
gotten himself involved

in a criminal conspiracy.

You're not listening to me.

My husband is not an intelligent man.


[GAIL] But he knows
how to do the right thing.

A few days ago, I was
this close to convincing him

to go to talk to the special prosecutor.

And then you two boneheads showed up.

Wait a minute. You're saying...

Get the f*ck out of here,

unless your goal is to send my husband

into a piss-induced coma!

Give me a day.

And if Jeb doesn't turn himself in,

you boys can camp here
all f*cking month.

[LANO] She just took our pizza.


[WINNIE] Hello.




♪ ♪


♪ ♪


Hey, honey.

Where's your mom?

♪ ♪






I, um...

I heard that John had an incident.

Is he, uh...

Just his blood pressure.

He's gonna be fine.

Oh, okay.


well, I spoke with Jay.

He-he's doing well,

and you were right about his girlfriend.

- She's...
- Why are you here?


Why are you here in my room?

Oh, well, we're-we're sup...

We're supposed to work
on the book today, remember?

I don't want to work on the book today.

Go away.

Martha, you can't keep doing this.

The publishers are expecting
a draft by the end of the year.


♪ ♪



Oh, Raymond just got

his yellow belt in karate.

And Tommy, if you can believe it or not,

has got another wiggly tooth.


And all the nuns say that James

is one of the most diligent
hall monitors

they have ever seen.

And Raymond's become

much more direct with the girls.

Very good. Young cadets in training.

Isn't that right, Raymond?


[FRANCES] Sorry, Gordon.

He heard some news
on the radio yesterday.

What news did you hear
on the radio, Raymond?

Go on, don't be afraid.


...they said the judge
was sending you to a bad prison...

...for a long time.

That's correct.

I want you to come home.

I know.

And I want nothing more than to be

with you and your brothers.

But some things are more
important than what we want.

Now, place the phone down
so you can hear my voice.

Back straight.

When I was a boy,

I was very ill.

My only friend was my nanny,
Frau Teresa.

One night, as I lie awake,
dying of pneumonia,

she told me the story
of another sickly little boy,

a boy who, from the power
of his own will,

overcame death

and became the leader of her fatherland,

a mighty and terrible Fuehrer

whose name would echo through time.

Frau Teresa made me realize

that I, too, could overcome
my own frailty,

that I, too, could choose to be strong.


So hear me now.

The three of you individually
are very small...

but combined,
you're equal to one adult man.

And with me gone, you're
gonna need to start acting like it.

James, no more fear
of the dark or monkeys.

Tommy, no more crying
when the phone rings.


prison scary, Father?


Grown men are either compressed
into puddles of blood

or molded into mountains.

This will be Father's trial by f*re,

a true test of my will like
nothing I've ever experienced.

Is that what you want, Father?

Yes, James.

It is what Father has wanted
for a long, long time.

♪ ♪


You caught me.

Should have got here earlier.

You could've taken the catheter out.

Never understood those things. Uh...

got you a little, uh...
Little something.

Glad to see you're, uh,
back on your feet.

I came, uh, pretty much
straight here from Camp David,

so that's the, uh... the finest
in the gas station.

Mo picked it out.

That's sweet.


...I heard the president on the news

saying you were gonna be giving a report

on this Watergate sideshow.

Yes. About that.


that is sort of why I'm here.


...you know, with-with
everything that's been

happening, um,

we thought... that is, Mo and I

thought that...

That it might be best if...

If I explore other options.




You talked to Cox or anybody
at the special prosecutor's office?

Uh, no, sir. Um, not yet.

I wanted to, uh...

I wanted to talk to you
before we did, out of respect.

[MITCHELL] You wanted to shake my hand

before you s*ab me in the back,
is that it?

The ship's going down, John.

And we can either
get sucked down with it

or be the first ones onto the dinghy.


You know...

...I'm sorry I didn't go
to your wedding.

I-I lost my appetite
for pomp and circumstance

after my first marriage.

They say a good marriage...

...is like a garden.


You have to give it attention and...



♪ ♪

But a good marriage
will bore you to death.

The kind of marriage you want...

...you're lucky...

...and you're cursed...

...there's nothing like it.

♪ ♪

It's love.

♪ ♪

It's hate.


I wasn't expecting you home so early.

Roosevelt booked up for the night?

♪ ♪

[MITCHELL] It's f*re.

♪ ♪

It's fear.

It's every feeling all at the same time.

Sometimes it'll feel like an open wound.

And other times...

♪ ♪

...you don't know
if it's worth it at all.

♪ ♪

I love you so much,

I could claw my eyes out of my own head.

♪ ♪

Good luck, son.

Let's hope you don't f*ck it up.

Thank you, sir.

♪ ♪

The committee called. I'm gonna testify.

♪ ♪
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