01x04 - The South Pole

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Santa Inc.". Aired: December 2, 2021.*
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Candy is the highest-ranking female elf in the North Pole; who sets out to become the first woman Santa Claus in the history of Christmas.
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01x04 - The South Pole

Post by bunniefuu »

You were like a father to me

because you were my father

Since your tragic death

my heart really hurts

Our dicks were identical

The veins, the stem, the thickness

Separated at birth,

father and son pile

- Watching p*rn, eh?
- Yes, boss.

Watching p*rn in the office.

if you need to comfort
the parakeet or whatever,

you know, h*t one,
I can go out, just say so.

My God, stop. I was seeing
a stupid music video,

my brother's birthday
of the father's death.

Your father would be very proud of you,

No. of Santa Inc.,
Santa's guest

at the holiday home in the South Pole,
you're all sweetheart...

back to the side
from the holiday home.

I want you to go there with me.

I travel with the best candidates.

We went to a wine tasting
with Timmy from Toys.

He is funny.

He's always taking out toys.
It's fun!

I'm happy for Timmy,
the uninteresting

white choice that nothing will do
for the company.

It's an opportunity
to erase me from memory

your hellish speech.

"Infernal" is too harsh.

Nightmare? Apocalyptic? It's all worse.

- Are you coming?
- Of course yes! Wow!

Be fun, like Timmy.
If yourself.

But your more Timmy version.

I assumed you knew
that I was

a very fun person.

If you say so.

Even penguins think I'm funny.

And you know how these bastards
are tough.

- I'm funny?
- Clear.

Why would I, whose motto is:

"I live for dicks" have a better
poop friend?

Your imitations are good.

Do you remember when you called your mother

and you pretended to be Tom Selleck?

"I loved to devour
his scorching body."

"Let the Magnum
take her to Hawaii"

You're right. I'm the biggest.

I hope Santa Claus
and the Council see me that way.

Do you want to come?
I can bring guests.

South Pole, here we come!

I have to take care of him
and you go on vacation?

You don't take care of your son, assh*le!

If you deny me this,
the next time i touch you

is to push you down the stairs
and collect your life insurance.

I'll stay here taking care of the kid.

Come back... Have a nice trip!

Let's review what we know.

The council constituted
by white men.

The average age is ,
because everyone is old.

They play golf, drink, smoke cigars,
say things like:

"deregulation" and "quarterly earnings"
and "never marry your mistress".

I know how to play golf.
I played with my father.

I'm good.

I have to learn
to be with them.

Talking, sh*ts, scenes like that,
or whatever.

I'm the right type.

The advice is the same as mine

but they take Viagra,
instead of Adderall.

We have hours to f*ck.

Let's review the nut joke.

One cucumber, one pickle
and a penis walk into a bar.

Just look at me.

Sexy enough to melt ice.

Millions would die, but not me
I don't care, I look great in a bathing suit.

What is up?

You love it when I count
that I'm new.

I feel a little down.

I put a cupcake in the toaster
and I was looking at her

until the cupcake
jumped out.

Have you done that? To look.

Are you going to do what you always do?
And it does.

I think it's a relief.

You are Mrs. most beautiful christmas
since the beginning of time.

This vacation is going to be the best.

I just want to see if Candy holds up

and f*ck my wife
in the new jacuzzi.

What is the toaster up to?

I'm going for the weekend!
No longing.

Check it out, Candy. Is not it beautiful?

My retirement plan.

A bet to decide
the Successor.

Yup. Grandpa is a genius.

We Smalls are going to cash in!

This is illegal.
They can go to prison.

I have three meals
and a mattress in the cell.

My retirement is a hundred dollars
per month and coal.

My God, this is so bad.

When you are Successor, that changes.

Let's see how I am.

In the background? This is f*cked up!

I'm better than human sh*t!
You will see! Everyone will see!

What an amazing boat!

Yup. Santa's private yacht.
O .

Built a hundred years ago,
with elf work.

Get ready to set sail
with my great-grandfather's sweat.

This is so much fun!
I forgot the ring.

So I'm back on the market.

In search of dicks! Piles in sight!

I wanted to wish you good luck.

Good luck, Miss Goldie.

would you do me the honor of leaving
on a little date with me,

when to get back from this trip?

I don't want any more dates, okay?

I need an adult with a career.

Not a horny nobody.

- Sorry.
- Get ready for an adventure,


unless they mixed

As I just did. And I shouldn't
operate heavy machinery.

But what the f*ck! All aboard!




men of

after that trip,

let me give you an ice cream
to cleanse the palate.

my personal imitation
of Santa Claus.

"I already told you that I chose
the first black Successor?

I will remember you until you die."

You speak just like him.

- What is he doing here?
- Is it penetration?

- Yea.
- I didn't come on vacation,

but to recover from the surgery.

I gave half my liver to grandma.

It was very painful, but it was worth it.

So generous, or rather:
So from me.

Come with us.
Enough talk!

I insist! You come.

Why did you come?
You will have your own event.

I'm moving up the list.

bang bang. Bang.
And you are the first.

I'm gonna rock you, Smalls.

It was intentional.

I'm going to marry this waffle,
whether it's cool or not,

because our love is real!

I slept reading the messages
from Craig.

"I don't know about milk.
I have my eyes closed,

and I still don't know about milk."

I went to the kitchen, opened the fridge
and there was the milk."

Hi! you look like the bride
in a lesbian marriage.

That's what old people use
use in golf.

If they're going to shake their dicks,
I shake my vag*na!

Leave Candy alone.
She has Junior behind her.

I will rock them,
kick them out of golf

and we got drunk at the steakhouse,

where do i order steak and then
do you know what i will do?

I send it back even if it doesn't
be well done.

why is it
that a future Successor does.


It's weird having a girl here.

It's not bad.
It's just not very good.

It's bad enough that I feel like it
drink the bloody mary penalty?

Look at her throwing that celery
to the side!

It's mine!
She knows it's garrison.

The penis and clitoris develop
of the same organ,

so I'm one of the guys.

Or maybe it's you girls!

- Good, Candy.
- I have to change the water to the olives.

- I agree.
- Full d*ck.

I feel the same, bros.
vag*na full of piss.

There's a... There's some out there

- I can handle it!
- Don't be silly. Get one.

Is important. It's pee.

Leave the number one reindeer
help you with number one.

My caddy will take you.

But my Katrina is a sweetheart.

She asked me why aren't all
grandmother's days.

Isn't she cute?

So cute. Yup.

If she ever is so boring,
suffocate me in sleep.

But pluck my beard, just in case
to be an open casket.

We have to save Mrs. Claus
of her boring friends.

Sorry to interrupt.
The doorman has an order

from the North Pole.
They don't know who it's for.

is addressed to
"World's Best Grandmother".

I cut you all.
I swear I'll k*ll your granddaughter!

Who would the package be for?

It was a lie. It was to save you
those boring ones.

What? These annoying women are
my best friends.

- Nobody called them annoying.
- You're better than them.

Let's do something elegant!

I already peed and I'm ready
to rock! We will!

- Wrong whole!
- You say that to your wife?

No, ma'am. I tell my truth
which is: a**l sex is spectacular!

My God, this is good.
The best massage I've ever had.

Mrs. Christmas, you have a knot the size
of a Christmas ornament!

Why the stress?
You have a dream life.

My life is boring.

Flatter dignitaries, talk bullshit
with diplomats.

I thought we'd be partners,

We were going to change Christmas.

- Like Candy.
- Exactly!

When I saw her speak in the State of
Workshop, I figured it all out.

It was who I expected
become one day.

- An innovator, but I'm just the wife.
- I see.

I train every year and I get treated
like a dog on Christmas Eve.

She really is sh*t.

The tension of dreams to come true.
There is nothing like it.

We were here an hour ago!
You drove in a circle!

Well, I think we're lost.

let's stay here
until someone finds us.

- Fan of historical fiction?
- You are kidding? Shut up.

I drive.

Sorry, I got lost in the hole.

- Hole!
- What am I missing?

Nothing, it's just a joke between us,
that will unite us and not you.

It's a funny game,
that Junior invented.

We h*t each other's tomatoes
when someone says "hole".

- Hole!
- I achieved!

- And there goes another one.
- Hole!

What a fun word!

My God, I always forget
that you are not a boy!

Hi! My day was sh*t.

Junior won't let go of me.
And everyone loves him!

It doesn't take long, it's going to be sh*t. call it
caribou. Reindeer hate that.

Not. I still have the joke
of Devin in the pocket.

And I brought this for safety.

The unholy alliance between vaginas
and bathrooms

will not delay anymore
female progress!

When are we having dinner?
I need to pass the tail.

Yes, I have bad news.
Today's dinner is for brothers only.

Well, bros and a quiver. I.


in this sexist tradition?
It's not what you are.

- Has to be! Don't you understand?
- Candy!

- You freaked out on me!
- This is important!

And you always get along with me!

Because years ago we agreed
I can, but I can't.

Why not honor
my hypocrisy?

I liked being able to talk
but i have to put on a diaper

and decorate a nut joke to be able
save the world for women!

I have to confess,
that I miss Craig.

He's disgusting and dark.
He didn't even happen to you.

But he provoked me anyway.

I remembered when
I screwed up with Craig.

He never responds, he grumbles
"crazy goat" and leaves.

He is so sweet!

What will he and the little one do?

It was a fun day.

The Little One wants to hear from his father
to tell a story?

It wasn't this kind of date
what I wanted, idiot.

Where is my baby?

Hello massage friends!

Mrs. Mother Christmas!
Going out to have fun?

No, I'm coming back
dinner with the Carols.

- Do you want to go have a drink?
- I'm excited for friendship.

Did you say well? "Excited?" can use
this in one sentence?

Come in!

- Yea.
- The buns taste like steak.

what needs to be done
to call yourself a penguin?

Do I sit in the middle of the table?

I was wrong!
I said five, but it's six.

- That's for a baby.
- IT IS?

I swear I didn't know.
I thought it was for a weak adult.

Bring an adult chair

and telephone directories for you.

Stop screaming. This will do.

It's even cool. It's one less armchair
for a baby

and one more throne for a queen.

candy? Are you in diapers?

Yes, I'm wearing a diaper.
No of course not!

Say goodbye, because you are
about to fall,

- We'll see.

Candy snapped like a crocodile,
Mrs. Christmas.

I will never forget it.

Neither do we!
You've been talking about this for an hour.

I know you're upset, but Candy
is trying to make history.

And when Santa Claus is called,
will have more time for us.

More time?

Nick has only worked for years!

Don't have time to go to the movies,
nor dine alone with me.

let alone make me a minet.

In fact, it's been years.

What? How do they make one?

well, since
that we don't do one.

I remember it was in ,
because that's when Tupac d*ed.

- That's what they say.
- Forget it all now.

You're on vacation.

Let's elevate this party!

This is it? Is this dancing? I adore!

Dude, it's me!

There is an artist among us!

one thing i do
at home with the hands.

You're a dickless Michelangelo
of smoke ring blowers!

It's as beautiful as the ceiling
of the Sistine Chapel!

Suck it here, assh*le.

Man, check this out!

- Good!
- You're a smoke wizard!

brothers! I have a great joke
for you guys. a sow.

Your d*ck will bust.

I can see that Junior has already heard it.

A pickle, a cucumber and a
penis sit in a bar.

Girls, it's too late.

Why not continue the party,
Mrs. Christmas?

listen there,
what is your first name?

I hate the. my father got it wrong
when I was born, the third child.

So he gave me his name,
the son he always wanted.

Go Leonard!
Who's a good girl?

Leonard is!

The penis says, what do you complain about?

You wrap me in a bag,
put me in a cave

and I do push-ups until I throw up!

It's my nut joke!

You are a very funny woman,

but dirty jokes sound
best with a deep voice.

That's why Vin Diesel will always have
funnier than Lucille Ball.

This got out of hand.

By the direction of a company
gigantic to be so sexist,

we need big changes
at Santa Inc.

Nick. It is happening.

You promised it wouldn't be so
bad as in the last speech.

I suffer from SPT from the gift bag,
that I never received.

I like gift bags,
of yogurt ice cream machine.

Candy, you promised not to do this.

Pull yourself together and impress them.

The tiramisu is here, damn it!

Give me a slice!


- Hello.
- It's weird to have

a tropical house here, when it's
even colder than at the North Pole.

What a waste of money.
What is up? You look sad.

tonight showed me
that my dream is a joke.

I think you should save me
to one more humiliation and giving up.

No, you can't!

before I get married
with Santa Claus, I wanted

"Be the change you wanted
see in the world."

Well, as Gandhi said.
I never was because I gave up.

Don't do what I did.

Yes, I understand. Although I think this
quote is not from Gandhi.

That's why you can't give up!

I misattribute quotes to Gandhi!
You not!

And of course there's a million
of other amazing things about you

but i'm so mad.

Can you help me up?


clear. We will.

Please don't give up!

Very little.

Big sh*t! Good.

Screw this. What the f*ck.

Screw this. Big sh*t.

Screw this. f*ck mine
tomatoes. I had a four!

What a spin!

Candy is the greatest!

Candy is the greatest!

Candy is the greatest!

He is well. a hole-in-one
of women's tees is easy.

But from here, expertise is needed.

- Check it out.
- He's right, guys.

sh*t! he punched
on that little girl's face!

- I didn't even touch him!
- Now she will never have a husband!

Poor fragile woman!

And if she were my wife,
daughter or the Virgin Mary?

- Don't follow the light, Candy!
- Jesus Christ!

- Can you get up?
- I don't think so.

- I'm very weak.
- Liar!

Give it with a golf club
in this woman's head, man.

Stop lying, apologize!

Do you know who I am? Who is my father?
We are not liars.

That pile of dung is what it is!

I spent the weekend
to conquer you, imbeciles.

And is she the only one that matters?

One hole and then the other!

Not to mention the times
where we said hole

and nobody touched the tomatoes!
What happened to our joke?

Touch the tomatoes!

Give me the tomatoes! Come here!

You're out of control, man.

This behavior is bullshit
for a gentleman and Successor.

So f*ck you. For.


It was hard to see Junior
to go down. My bad!

Fight to be Santa Claus
f*ck your head.

Let's just say...

I did sh*t
that I'm not proud of.

Tell me. I need gossip
to forget the pain.

I was born fat. He is well?
As a child, as an adult, always fat.

Heavier on top, with a
big belly but nothing below.

And I was thinking about it.

nobody wants to say
what do you want from santa claus

sitting on a bony lap, right?

Even before calling us

when the decision was still in the air,
I had cervical implants.

Do not say!
Let me test this sh*t.

Hi! jump!

It `s cute!
I would never say it's fake.

And indestructible. my lap was like
d*ck and tomatoes

hanging on a wire hanger.
It was disgusting.

But now it's all silicone
and pure titanium.

When you want the red suit,
you do strange things.

- Yes I know.
- My God.

- You set Junior up.
- Is it awful?

Yea! You're playing well, Candy.
I'm impressed.

- I didn't know you were capable.
- Honestly, neither do I.

I was thinking about something.

Do you know anything about what happened with the
Christmas spirits bars?

Look, forget it. I didn't think so.

They haven't spoken to me since yesterday and I

I wanted to apologize
for this weekend.

You're doing important sh*t.
We support you.

But never go away again.
I get very upset.

Understood. Never.

Have I told you? The direction
said I was

"Like one of the types!"
Isn't it cool?

- I don't know. IT IS?
- Yea! I passed the test!

So we're happy for you, Candy.

There are my boys!

I missed you!

you are being nice
why did you betray me?

I'm not being nice for having
lost the baby

and replaced him with an old one.

It went well.
- I know you lost Little One.

I have locators
on the kid.

He was buried in the sandbox.

Craig, your wife is a cookie

Grandpa, what are you doing awake?

I only sleep when the women at the Polo
North are sexually satisfied.

- You know that.
- Yeah, I forgot.

I'm tired of jet lag.

It's the same time zone,
but drilling into the ground is tiring.

I see.
You're climbing to the top.
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