01x05 - The Sweet Spot/A Tale of Two Tables

[bunniefuu]

- ♪ Crashing through
the crowded halls ♪

♪ Dodging girls
like Ping-Pong balls ♪

♪ Just to reach the bathroom
on time ♪

♪ Leaping over laundry piles

♪ Diapers you can smell
for miles ♪

♪ Guy's got to do
what he can to survive ♪

- ♪ In the Loud house

♪ In the Loud house

- ♪ Duck, dodge, push,
and shove ♪

♪ Is how we show our love

- ♪ In the Loud house,
in the Loud house ♪

- ♪ One boy and ten girls

♪ Wouldn't trade it
for the world ♪

- ♪ Loud Loud Loud

♪ Loud house

- Poo-poo.

[rock music]

♪

[zipper zips]

[objects thudding]

- Ah, road trips.

That beloved tradition
of families everywhere.

Tomorrow, the Loud family is
going on a road trip of our own.

Sounds fun, right?

Not with of us packed
into the family wagon,

or as we affectionately call it,
"Vanzilla."

[roaring]

Every seat in Vanzilla

offers one kind
of t*rture or another.

[intense music]

Getting stuck next
to Lily's car seat is no good.

Ah, Lily!

[baby laughing]

The back row is so far
from Mom and Dad

that it turns
into the wild, wild West.

[Western music]

- Stop looking at me.

- You stop looking at me.

[all grunting]

- Come on, we haven't even
left the driveway yet!

And this seat
has the exact opposite problem.

It's right in Dad's sight line.

- Feet off the seat!

- Plus, it's next
to the one working speaker.

- Ooh, honey,
it's our prom theme.

[purrs]

[soft rock music]

- Ugh.

And the rest of the seats
only get worse.

There's the sticky,

the soggy,

the springy,

and the slanty.

By my calculations, that leaves
just one seat safe from it all.

I call it the "Sweet Spot."

And tomorrow,
it will be mine

'cause I'm gonna
stake it out tonight.

[light switch clicks]

There's my cue.

Everyone's asleep.

It's go time.

[click]

[cat screeches]

[cat purrs]

Come in, Nosebleeder.

This is Roadtripper.

- Sorry, Roadtripper.

I have to keep the line clear
for my friend Lincoln.

- This is Lincoln.

- Oh, hi, Lincoln!

- Operation: Sweet Spot
is a success.

I've secured the seat.

- Great job.

So who did you get
to sit next to you?

- Who did I get
to sit next to me?

[indistinct yelling]

I'm sorry you had to see that.

Having the wrong sister
next to me

could totally wreck
the Sweet Spot.

Okay, it definitely can't
be Luan.

- Airbag deployed![laughs]

- And it can't be Lola.
- Hold still!

- I can't.
I'm on the spring seat.

And it can't be Lynn.

- Let's play Auto att*ck.

- How do you play that?

- I punch you every time
I see a car.

[truck honking]
Ooh, good timing.

[punching and grunting]

- I got it!
Leni!

The motion of the car
always puts her in a daze,

and she'll leave me alone.

- [groans]
Oh, scrunchies!

Oh, leg warmers!

- Leni, Leni. Leni!
Oh, good.

You're awake. Listen.

Will you sit next to me
in the car tomorrow?

- Sure.

I mean,
it's the least I could do.

You did just save me
from a bad fashion nightmare.

[snores]

- Yes!

- Socks with sandals!

- Roadtripper to Nosebleeder.

- Sorry, Roadtripper.

I have to keep this line--
- It's Lincoln!

Operation: Seat Next
to the Sweet Spot is a success.

- Excellent!

So who's sitting behind you?

- Who's sitting behind me?

[indistinct yelling]

Ah, so many ways
to ruin the Sweet Spot!

All right.
Who can I have behind me?

Definitely not Lana.

Can you please stop?

[coughs]

Definitely not Lori.

She spends the whole ride

texting with Bobby,
which means--

- [gags] Carsick!

[vomits]

[camera clicks]

I totally have to text that
to Bobby.

What did I eat?

- I've got it!
Lisa!

True, she won't shut up
about all the dangers

of car travel...

- The tires could blow.

A low-flying plane
could shear the roof off.

The brakes could fail,
and we could plunge off a cliff.

- But the beauty
of the Sweet Spot

is it has one working window.

The wind of the road
will drown her out.

So you'll sit behind me
tomorrow?

- Sure.
It's safer there anyway,

in case the engine comes loose
and flies into the car,

crushing everyone up front.

- That window better work.

- Hey, Lincoln?
- Ah! What Sweet Spot?

I mean hey!

- I have one addendum

to our legally binding
verbal agreement.

I'll sit behind you
only if Luna's not next to me.

Her singing gives me
an extreme case of tinnitus.

- [shrieking]

- Where is a low-flying plane
when you need one?

- No problem,
I think I can

move some things around
to accommodate you.

- Sure, I'll sit up front, dude,

as long as Lori isn't near me.

I don't need to get ralphed on
by the Princess of Puke.

[rock music]

♪

- And Leni goes here,
and we're done!

Roadtripper to Nosebleeder.

Operation: Fill All the Seats
around the Sweet Spot

is complete!

- That's awesome,
but what about the--

- Sorry, Nosebleeder,

but your questions
are compromising the mission.

[yawns]
Now, to get a little shut-eye.

[banging]

Hey, guys.

What's up?

- What are you up to,Lincoln?

- Me?
I'm not up to anything.

Just, you know, catching some Zs
in the car like guys do.

- Oh, yeah?
Then, what's this?

- You went in my room?

- That's not the hot issue
right now.

- What's the Sweet Spot?
And why are you in it?

- Oh, it's, uh--

it's the worst seat
in the whole car.

I put myself in it, so none
of you would have to suffer.

- Then, why is it called
the "Sweet Spot"?

- Because I'm being sweet?

- According to my calculations,

the Sweet Spot is actually
the best seat in the car

for various reasons
including air circulation,

proximity to parental units,

and the lack of chewable
adhesive on the cushion.

- It took me eight months
to figure that out.

- Shocker.

- Well, if that's the best seat,
then I should get it.

I'm the oldest.

- You'd just barf all over it,
dude.

I should have it!

- Beauty before age!

- Yeah, so I should get it!

- That seat belongs to me!

- No, I want it!

- You can yell all you want,
but I'm already in the seat,

and possession is /
of the law.

- You're gonna possess a bruise
in a minute.

- Get him!

[indistinct chatter]

- [laughing]

[door creaks open]

Dang it.
I forgot about the broken lock.

- Ha!

- Let go of me!

[overlapping shouting]

[dogs barking]

[horn honks]

- That is enough!

Everyone, back to their rooms
this minute.

I don't want to see anyone
in that car until : a.m.!

- Good luck
getting the Sweet Spot now.

[laughter]

- [groans]

[yells]

This is bad.
I can't lose that seat!

- Don't even think about it,
Lincoln.

I'm watching you.

- Well, I'm watching you.

- And I'm watching you!

- And I'm
watching you!

- Ugh! Okay.

I just have to be the first one
out the door tomorrow.

[alarm beeping]
Oh!

Only minutes till
Operation: Save the Sweet Spot--

[yawns]

Come on, man!
Stay with me!

[dance music]

[grunting]

♪

[alarm beeping]

[all yelling]

- My seat!
- I want that--

[overlapping shouting]

- Enough!

[sobbing]
That was my first car

and my dad's first car
and his dad's first car!

- All right, everyone,
back inside!

The road trip is off!

You're going to spend
this weekend sitting together

in the living room
until you learn to get along!

all: Aww!

- I'm sorry you had to see that.

Well, Operation: Sweet Spot
went sour.

I guess I should've known
that in a family this big,

you just can't control
every little thing.

That said, there's a sweet spot
in the living room too.

It's at the end of the couch,

close to the bathroom
with a great view of the TV,

and it's going to be mine!

Nosebleeder,
this is Couch Potato.

Operation: Snag the Sofa
is a go!

[yelling]

[rock music]

♪

- Would you cut it out?

Come on, man! Stop!

I said cut it out!
[laughter]

- Hey!
- What?

- In most families,
the kiddie table

is something
you only see at holidays,

but in a family as big as mine,
it's part of everyday life.

- Hey, Lincoln,
you like seafood?

See? Food.

Bleh.

- Hey, Lucy!

I want to suck your blood!

- For gosh sakes,
you guys, cut it out!

Ugh!
It's not right.

My five older sisters
get to sit at the grown-up table

with Mom and Dad,

while I'm stuck here
with my five younger sisters.

- How can you eat that broccoli

when you know how much
it suffered to get here?

- Uh, Lucy,
broccoli doesn't feel pain.

- Oh, no?

Listen to the broccoli
screaming, Lincoln.

Listen to it.
- Ah!

Can I just eat my dinner
in peace?

- Did you say "peas"?

- [laughs]
- Oh, you want to play?

Let's play.

My calibration seems to have
been off by about degrees.

[grunts]

- Mine wasn't.

[indistinct chatter]

- You are not gonna
look pretty at all!

- So I said
to the Prime Minister,

"Two breads are
better than one!"

[laughter]

- Your comedy is so mature,
just like you.

- To Lincoln!

He puts the "grown-up"
in "grown-up table."

all: To Lincoln.

- Muah. Muah.

That's it!

I don't belong here.

I'm gonna go ask
to join the grown-up table.

- Ha!
- Good luck.

- You really think
they're gonna let you?

all: Ooh.

[laughter]

[laughter]

- You'll see.

I'm gonna make it
to the grown-up table

and leave
all you children behind.

- Well, Lincoln,
you've come to the right place.

As an only child,

I've been at the grown-up table
my whole life.

- So you think
you can help me?

- Did Napoleon
have a Napoleon complex?

That's a grown-up table joke.

You don't get it now,
but you will soon.

Now, don't worry.

I have a surefire program

that'll get your family
to stop seeing you as a kid.

- And start seeing me
as a grown-up.

Careful, you're giving
Bun Bun an ouchie.

- Good morning, everybody!

Ah, nothing like that first cup
of morning joe.

[sniffs]

Ah, mountain grown.

Hey, guys.

There's a really interesting
article in here

about how kids
are maturing faster these days.

They say is the new .

Ooh, the House is debating
the new highways bill.

This should be fascinating.

- Are you feeling okay?

- Me? Never felt better.

Though the back's
a little stiff.

Getting older ain't easy.
Am I right, ladies?

- I was using it first!

- Nuh-uh! I was.
- Give it to me!

- You clearly took it awayfrom me!

- Lola, Lana,
what's going on?

- Don't worry, Dad.
I got this.

Now, children, if you
can't share the jump rope,

then neither of you
gets to use it.

Ha, kids.

They just don't get it,
huh, Dad?

Ugh.

Ah, nothing like a nice,
smooth face to start the day.

Yup.

Maybe I shouldn't have used the
razor Mom shaves her legs with.

- Never mind that.
Our plan is working.

You're showing your family
that you belong

at the grown-up table.

Now comes phase two,
how to act once you get there.

This is
the grown-up table simulator.

Now, show me your salad fork.

- Uh...this one?

[horn blares]

- Wrong.
That's your dinner fork.

Now, have some bread.

[horn blares]

Wrong.
You just ate Lori's bread.

Don't worry, beautiful,
I'll share my buns with you.

[horn blares]

- Clyde.

- Sorry. Where were we?

- So, Lynn,
how about those Republicans?

[horn blares]

- Wrong.
Never talk politics. Again.

- Um, we could
really use some rain.

[bell dings]

Soup spoon.

Salad fork.
Butter Kn*fe.

Dessert plate.

A candid picture of Lori?

- Oh, how'd that get in there?

You're making great strides,Lincoln.

You feel it?
Keep it up!

You got heart, kid.

- Yeah, yeah.
I'm all grown up.

- Not yet.
You have one last step.

[upbeat music]

♪

I think my work here is done.

Ready for the grown-up table,big guy?

- Did Napoleon
have a Napoleon complex?

[laughter]

I still don't get it.

- Me neither.

[jazz music]

- Good evening.

I have something
I'd like to say!

[clears throat]

There comes a time
in every kid's life

when he's ready
to put away childish things

and make that big leap
into the adult world.

- Get to the point, Lincoln.

- Okay.
[sighs]

I don't think I should sit
at the kiddie table anymore.

I want to sit
at the grown-up table with you.

- Well, I think he's ready.

- So do I.

- Yes! Whoo-hoo!

- Is that my suit?

- [gulps]
Liver?

I thought we were having
chicken nuggets.

- That's just
for the younger kids, honey.

At the grown-up table,
we eat grown-up food.

- And thank goodness for that!

Liver fork!

- So, Lynn, how did you do
on your math test today?

- Good, Mom. I think I really
nailed those integers.

- So, Lori, I heard Bobby's dad
had a hernia operation.

How'd that go?
- Um, okay, I guess.

- Hey, I heard
a funny joke today.

- We don't tell jokes
at the grown-up table.

- Or sing, brah.

all: ♪ Beans, beans,
the musical fruit ♪

♪ The more you eat,
the more you-- ♪

[armpit squeaks]

[laughter]

- Something funny,
Lincoln?

- Not at this table.

- So it turns out
we didn't need

the service call
in the first place.

The darn copier
was just unplugged.

- [laughs]
How about that?

Okay.
You're all excused.

- Uh, Mother, I believe
you forgot something. Dessert?

- Oh, that's just
for the younger kids.

- Ugh, seriously?

I mean, uh, seriously,

who needs the extra calories?

- That's right, son!

Say, how's it feel sitting
at the old grown-up table, huh?

- It's everything
I dreamed it would be.

Clyde, the grown-up table
is a nightmare!

I didn't realize how good
I had it at the kiddie table.

I got to get back.

- Negative, Lincoln.

You can't ask to leave now.

Next time you ask your family
for something,

they won't take you seriously.

Is that what you want?

- No, but--
- Now I got to run.

My parents and I
are doing our taxes.

- I got to do something.

Look, you guys.

I've thought about it,
and I really don't belong here.

I think I should go back
to the kiddie table.

- You can't go back.

You can never go back, bro.

- [gasps]

- You're one of us now.

A grown-up.

- Better start working
on those taxes, Lincoln.

- [screaming]

- Where do you think
you're going?

[turkeys gobbling]
- Ah, please!

I have to get back
to the kiddie table.

I'm not a grown-up yet!

I'm still a kid!

all: One of us.
One of us.

One of us.
- No!

[gasps]
It's all my fault.

I worked so hard
to prove I'm a grown-up.

Hmm, maybe it's time
to act my age.

Lincoln Loud in the house!

[hip-hop music]

Where my grown-ups at?

[humming]

Are you ready to chow?

I want to suck your blood.

- Lincoln, please don't do that.

- Yo, that's mine!

- Was it?

Hey, Leni, you like seafood?

See? Food.

Blah.

- Lincoln, gross!

- Hey, how about
those Republicans?

- Ugh, Lincoln, say it.
Don't spray it.

- I didn't hear the magic word,
peas!

- Oh, it is on.

I mean, grow up, Lincoln.

- Good grub, Dad.

It reminds me of a song.

♪ Beans, beans,
the musical fruit ♪

♪ The more you eat,
the more you-- ♪

[farts] Everybody, now!
[farting]

- Lincoln Loud,
that is enough!

- I thought you were ready
for the grown-up table,

but clearly,
you are not.

- You're a tough lady, Mom,
but fair.

Laters!

Hey, guys.
I'm back.

Ah, it's good to be home.

What did I miss?

Let's ketchup!

[laughs]

[laughter]

- Hey, can I join you guys?

- Sure.
The more, the merrier.

- Oh, I never knew
it was possible

to make it
out of the grown-up table.

- Psst. Can we join too?

- Wow, chicken nuggets.

I haven't seen these in years!

[laughter]

- There really is no rush
to get to the grown-up table.

It's gonna happen eventually,
so in the meantime,

might as well enjoy
being a kid.

- Finally, a little
peace and quiet.

- Did you say "peas"?
- Oh!

[laughter]

- ♪ Cramped inside
this tiny space ♪

♪ May sound bad
but ain't the case ♪

♪ In the Loud house
- ♪ Loud house

- ♪ Duck and dodge
and push and shove ♪

♪ That's the way we show
our love in the Loud house ♪

- ♪ Loud house

♪ Laundry piles
stacked up high ♪

♪ Hand-me-downs
that make me cry ♪

♪ Stand in line to take a pee

♪ Never any privacy

♪ Chaos with kids

♪ That's the way
it always is ♪

♪ In the Loud house