04x12 & 04x13 - Present Tense/Any Given Sundae

[bunniefuu]

- ♪ Crashing through
the crowded halls ♪

♪ Dodging girls
like Ping-Pong ba*ls ♪

♪ Just to reach
the bathroom on time ♪

♪ Leaping over laundry piles

♪ Diapers you can
smell for miles ♪

♪ Guy's gotta do
what he can to survive ♪

- ♪ In the Loud house

♪ In the Loud house

- ♪ Duck, dodge,
push, and shove ♪

♪ Is how we show our love

- ♪ In the Loud house

♪ In the Loud house

- ♪ One boy and ten girls

♪ Wouldn't trade it
for the world ♪

- ♪ Loud, Loud, Loud

♪ Loud house

- Poo-poo.

- Dad's gonna love this!
- Exactly, right?

- It's perfect
for his birthday!

- Awesome!

- Dang, Lols,
you're really on your

rhinestone game today.

- Thank you for noticing.

Daddy's scrapbook
needs a little glam.

- And a little glue.

- Best birthday present ever!

[beeping]
- Red alert, people!

The birthday boy is stirring.

Hide the scrapbook!
Hide everything!

all:
[panicked chattering]

- Kotaro, why didn't you tell
me table five is gluten free?

[gasps]

- False alarm.
It was simply

an outburst of sleep talking.

all:
[relieved sighing]

- Ooh, hey, check it out.

- Oh, I remember that.

That was from the time
you and Dad dressed as cattle

to try to win
tickets to Dairyland.

- Uh-huh.
Sure ended up being

a cow-tastrophe!

But it was and udderly
good time in the moo-ment!

In fact--
- Forget I asked, dude.

- Guys, you have to see
what Carol Pingrey just posted.

all:
[groaning]

- We don't care.
And why aren't you working?

Phones down!

- No, look!
That's Carol's dad.

His birthday was yesterday
and she got him a sculpture

of his head made
out of Belgian chocolate.

- Whoa, that's
a seriously nice gift.

- I hate to be that guy,
but I'm starting to think

this scrapbook
isn't gonna cut it.

- Yeah, it seemed like
something Dad would like,

but maybe it's
kind of a lame gift.

- But what can we do now?
Our time is limited.

Father's nearing
the end of his REM cycle.

- Guys, the mall
opens in ten minutes.

We can find a better
present for Dad there.

- Noice!
Let's pool our money

and buy something sick.

- Let's do this!

Okay, where should we start?

all:
Ooh.

- One of these would
look rockin' hanging from

Vanzilla's rearview mirror!
Which should we get?

- How about a cat?
Dad's always going on

about how much he loves Cliff.

- [gasps]
Or a unicorn!

It's magical and special,
just like Daddy.

- Wait, guys, I've got it.
Remember that time we went

to the aquarium and Dad bonded
with a dolphin named Kenny?

[dolphin chattering]

- Gasp.
It's perfect.

all:
Dolphin!

- Ooh, a porpoise.
Nice choice.

- Hang on, what?

Ah, of course.

The truncated snout
should have given it away.

- We can't give this to Dad.
Remember that same trip

to the aquarium
and the porpoise

who stole his wallet?

- Hoo-hoo!
Thanks for the swim, buddy!

[porpoise chattering]

- Yeah, we couldn't get
anything at the gift shop!

- This isn't gonna work, guys.
We need to keep looking!

- How much for the unicorn?

[dramatic music]

- Wait!
I've literally got it.

all:
Dad loves fun ties!

- Ooh, my people!
Why don't we get him this one?

Dad loves rocking
out to retro vinyls!

- Yikes, sorry.

I got him that exact tie
for Father's Day, remember?

- [squeals]
How 'bout this one?

- Aw, I got Dad
that for his last birthday.

- [coos]
- Wait, didn't you get

him that tie as
a restaurant-opening gift?

- Poo-poo.

- Wow, we sure have
gotten Dad a lot of ties.

Has this gift become...
a tad unoriginal?

- Hey, Loud kids,

you here to buy another
tie for your dad?

- Yeah, we should keep looking.

- Hey, everybody, over here!

This guy makes
customized kitchen tools.

We can put Dad's name
on anything we want!

- Oh, perfect.
Dad loves his name.

- Why don't we get
him a new spatula?

I broke his old one
when I used it to mix cement.

- Great, you can pick
your customized spatula up...

mm... next Tuesday.

- Next Tuesday?
What kind of a scam is this?

- You see, first we ship
the spatula to a craftsman

who's trained his whole life
in the art

of kitchenware engraving.
He's located in Germany--

- Forget that.
I can just bite Dad's

name into a spatula.

- [sighs]
Spit.

- Come on, guys.
We need to speed this up.

- Luan's right.
We've been gone for hours.

We've already missed
half of Dad's birthday!

- How about this fancy rock?

- [scoffs]
It's called a geode.

[gasps]
And it costs a whopping

clams.

- Whoa, never mind.

- You guys have to see this!

If you try sometimes,
you just might find

you get what you need.

- O-M-Gosh,
it's perfect!

What is it?

- It's a royal guard.
Known colloquially

as a beefeater.
Ideal for a father

with an affinity
for all things British.

- And it's a nutcracker!
Dad won't have to borrow

my upholstery hammer
to smash open walnuts anymore!

- This is literally the best
gift in the entire world!

Let's go give it to Dad!

Wait, where's Lola?

- The unicorn.

I would like
to buy it from you.

[tires squealing]

[overlapping chatter]

- [gasping]

- Uh, what's going on?

- Kotaro, this is literally

the best gift
in the entire world!

[sobbing]

- Well, he's only
saying that 'cause he

hasn't seen our gift yet.

all:
[laughing]

- A real life Beefeater!
I can't believe it.

- His post is outside
of the Tower of London.

I used all of my airline
miles to fly him out here.

But wait, there's more!
- [squeals]

- He's going to take you
to lunch at Bangers and Mosh!

He said he'll help you
perfect your British accent!

- [sobbing]
This is going to be

the greatest experience

of my life!
[sobbing]

- [groans]
This ding-dang beef guy

just made our
nutcracker look so lame.

- Between this
and the scrapbook,

we are really oh-for-two today.

- What are we
supposed to get Dad now?

The nutcracker was
the best thing at the mall!

- Well, maybe we
shouldn't get Dad a thing.

Maybe we should follow Kotaro's
lead and get him an experience.

all:
Ooh!

- Well, won't be needing
this hunk of junk anymore.

- Lynn, we need to return that
or we won't have any money.

Ah, good point.
I'll go get it.

- Hey, Flip, we're
looking for tickets for--

- Whoa, slow down there, chief.
That's not my game.

But I do know a handsome
fella you can talk to.

Welcome to Tucker's
Tix and Tux!

What can I do you for?

- Okay, Tucker,
we wanna buy our dad

a cool experience
for his birthday.

- Well, I'm your man!
What does your Pops like?

Skydiving?
Horseback riding? Parasailing?

- Ooh, parasailing sounds fun.

- Dad's always said
if he could choose

one superpower,
it'd be flight.

- LJ, pay the man.

- Hey, wait,
we're missing a dollar.

- What?
I was getting hangry!

- You know,
I think this experience

will mean far more to Father
than a material good.

- O-M-Gosh!
[tires squeal]

- What?
Did I hit another trash can?

- No, look what
Becky just posted.

She got her dad
a parasailing experience, too.

- Ooh, yikes.
More like para-failing.

[laughing]

But seriously, that looks
way too dangerous for Dad.

- We need to go back to Flip's
and get him something else!

Also I want some kettle corn.
- Buckle up!

[tires screeching]

- Sure, I can exchange
your ticket for something else.

Minus the % deposit,
of course.

- Fine.
So what can we afford now?

- Snowboarding?
- Landscape painting?

- Ooh, what about this one?

A private cooking class
with celebrity chef Guy Grazer!

- Sounds great!
- Yeah!

- Flip, we'll take it.
- Flip? Don't know the guy.

Sure sounds good
looking, though.

- Wow, apparently Guy Grazer

has helped a lot of chefs
improve their craft!

Ooh, there's a video
from one of his classes!

- What is this literal
pile of flaming garbage?

Your sauce is weak
because you're weak!

- [sobbing]

- Uh, Guy seems
kind of intense.

- Yeah, I don't think
Dad would like this.

He's very sensitive
to raised voices.

- We have to go back
and get him something else!

Also, I need some
sparkling water to wash down

this kettle corn.
[coughs]

- And there's your refund,

minus your % deposit,
of course.

Oh, and the restocking fee.

- Okay, guys, we don't
have a lot of money left.

- Paintball?
- Night at the aquarium?

- Too expensive.
Actually, we may not

be able to afford anything.

- Well, how much you got?
- Very little.

- Hmm, I do have one thing
that might fit your budget.

- This is actually pretty fun!

- Daddy would not like this.

- Yeah,
Dad's very sensitive

to, uh, whatever this is.

- Sorry, Flip,
we're going to pass.

- [grunts]
- No problem,

it's not for everybody.

Here's the bill
for the test run.

There's a customer survey
on the bottom and I'd sure

appreciate a five-star
rating, eh?

- Well, we got cents left.

Maybe Dad would like
a side of ranch dressing?

- Man, we've totally
blown Dad's birthday.

- Come on, guys.
We can't give up.

There's gotta be something
nice we can do for him.

- I could make
him some pudding!

- I can realign his spine!

- I can teach him
how to part his hair

so it covers his problem areas,
you know--

[overlapping chatter]

- [sobbing]
- Whoa.

- What's that?
- [sobbing]

I can't believe those kids.
- Aww, honey.

- Uh, why is Dad crying?

- Guys, it's obvious.

We blew off his whole
birthday looking for a present.

And he doesn't even know
the worst part yet,

that we never found one.

- There's only one
thing left to do.

Apologize.

all:
[sighing]

- [sobbing]
- Hey, Dad?

- We're so sorry we
ruined your birthday.

- What are you talking about?

You kids gave me--
[sobbing]

the best gift ever.

- Our scrapbook?

- Yeah, I'm sorry I opened
it before you got home.

Cliff dragged it in here
and blew your big surprise.

- So, you like it?

- [sobbing]
I love it!

It reminds me of all
the great memories

we've made together.

[stammers]
Nothing could beat that.

- Actually, Daddy, we weren't
even finished with it yet.

We had more memories
we wanted to add...

and ten times more sparkles.

- Like the time we filled
up a kiddie pool with Flippees!

- And the time we went
to a -D movie, threw up,

and then saw it again.

[overlapping chatter]

- And I don't think
we'll ever forget that time

we made you that scrapbook.

- Oh, Leni.

- [yawns]

- Thanks for breakfast, honey.

I should be back around four,
after I finish

pulling Flip's wisdom teeth.

- I thought you
already did that.

- He grew another set.
- What?

- You know, I was thinking,
the kids have been

really good this week,
haven't they?

- Oh, they've been great.
No calls from school...

- No trips to the ER...

- I only had
to raise my voice once.

- We should do something
special for the kids.

How about taking them out
for ice cream when I get back?

- Ah, I love it!
We could go

to Auntie Pam's Parlor.

- And you know what,
I think someone's ready

for her first
taste of ice cream.

- Oh, this is my favorite
of all the milestones!

What do you think, sweetie?
You wanna try some...

Ice cream?

- [gasps]

[incoherent babbling]

[gasps]

[giggling]

[light music]

[gasps]

[giggling]

♪

[gasps]

[giggling]

[gasps]

♪

[shrieks]

- So, ice cream sounds good?

- Darn tootin'.
If today goes okay, too.

- Let's see if your
siblings can behave

for just a few more hours.

'Cause if they can,
it's ice cream time!

- Don't touch my glasses!

[overlapping arguing]

- [wails]

[grunts]

- Uh, Lily,
is everything okay?

- Isn't this cute?

Lily's calling
a sibling meeting.

- [panting]

[incoherent babbling]

- Good job, Lily.
You drew an...

upside-down tree.

- [groans]

[incoherent babbling]

- I think she's trying
to tell us something.

- Perhaps the infant
has some trapped wind.

- [grumbles]

[shrieks]

- You guys are all wrong.
She's clearly waving at us.

- I guess Lily
called this meeting

just to say hi!
Hi, Lily!

all:
Hi, Lily!

Okay, well, bye, Lily!

[dramatic chord]

- [groans]

- ♪ Checkin' the mail

♪ Skippity bop

♪ What did we get
in the latest crop ♪

♪ Ah do-do-do...

Ow, ow, ow!
Ow--whoa--

[shouting]

No more ice cream!

- [screams]

[panting]

- ♪ Maybe a card,
maybe a bill ♪

♪ Checkin' the mail
is always a thrill ♪

♪ Ba-da-da-da!
Doolity do-do-do ♪

- Lincoln,
I've got a Code Denim!

- You're stuck
in a pair of skinny jeans?

- I was trying
to update my look,

but now I can't feel my legs!

- Mopping the floor can wait.
I'm on my way!

Don't struggle, Clyde.
It'll only make it worse!

both:
[moaning]

- Hmph!

- I wanna watch
my pageant show!

- I wanna watch
my penguin show!

both:
[shouting]

- Got it.
- Gimme that--

both:
[grunting]

[car horn honks]

- [panicked babbling]

- Lynn Loud looks downfield,
but nobody's open!

She's going for
the quarterback sneak!

- [gasps]
- If all goes accordion

to plan, my family
will glove this prank!

- [shrieks]

- [shouting]

- Yeah!
[thud]

- [laughing]
- [screams]

No more ice cream!

- Hmph.
[whistles]

- [whines]

- [shrieking]

[triumphant music]

- And now,
back to Penguin Pageants!

both:
Huh?

- [whistles]

♪

- Walt, knock it off!

- [screaming]

- [groans]

Oh, no, it's a fumble!

- [gasps]

- [humming]

Well this is nice to see,
everybody getting along.

And Luan's even taking a nap.

- Yep, they've been
perfect all day.

Not a single mess or meltdown.

- That's all I needed to hear.

Kids, come down here, please.

You wanna tell them
the surprise, or should I?

- Oh, you do it.
- You guys have been

so well behaved this week,
we wanted to do--

Luan, wake up--
Something nice for you.

So everybody,
get in Vanzilla, because--

- I changed my mind,
I wanna tell them!

We're going for ice cream!

- Awesome!
- Seriously?

- Ice cream!

♪

- Ketchup,
my little tomatoes!

Time to head out.

- Come beat the heat
at Auntie Pam's Parlor!

But make sure
you get here by : .

We're closing early this week
to give our scoopers a break.

Don't forget, : p.m.

One more time, : p.m.

: p.m.!

- [frantic babbling]

- I-I-I know, sweetie.
I'm excited for ice cream, too!

- Your estimated arrival time

at Auntie Pam's Parlor
is : p.m.

- See you soon, Lily.

- [gasps]
Cherry.

[car horns honking]

- There's never this much
traffic on this street.

- Your new estimated
arrival time is : p.m.

- No biggie, Auntie Pam's
doesn't close till !

- [panting]

- Oh, you wanna play
with Daddy's phone, Lily?

Okay, but please don't
call Aunt Ruth again.

That's two hours
I'll never get back.

- Rerouting.
Make a U-turn

onto Oakville Road.

- Huh, look at that.
Lily accidentally

found us a faster route.
[chuckles]

- Your new estimated
arrival time is : p.m.

[siren wailing]

- sh**t, what now?

[siren wailing]

- Ma'am, did you know
your registration's expired?

I'm gonna have to write
you a ticket for that.

Get comfy,
this could take awhile.

- [panting]

[dramatic music]

♪

- Ah, my bike!
Come back, precious!

- Uh, thanks, officer.
We'll take that as a warning.

Whoo-hoo!

- Your new
estimated arrival time

is : p.m.

- [exhales]

- You have arrived
at your destination.

- Uh-oh.
- Oh, honey,

please tell me you didn't
forget your wallet.

This place only takes cash!

- [growling]

- The emergency !
Lily, you've done it again!

all:
Yay, Lily!

- Hi, can I get one scoop
of vanilla ice cream, please?

- [incoherent babbling]
- [laughs]

Okay, I guess
she has other ideas.

One sundae, please.

- You ready, Lily?
Okay, guys, I'm recording.

- I can't believe this
is the last time we'll get

to introduce a little
Loud to ice cream.

[sobbing]

all:
[cheering]

[bird screeching]

- [screaming]

♪

- [whimpers]

- Oh, no, sweetie.

Don't worry,
we'll get you a new sundae.

Uh, excuse me!

- No dice, dudes.
They close at : this week.

- What?
Ha, you think they'd

advertise something like that.

- [wailing]

- Aww, poor baby.
Let's get you home.

all:
Oh, it's okay, Lily.

Aw, Lily.

- I've never seen
Lily look so sad.

- You'll get that
ice cream sundae, Lily.

Perhaps when the road
isn't so rocky.

Don't have a mint chip
on your shoulder about this--

- Luan, read the room.

- [gasps]

- It's okay, honey.
We'll be home soon.

- [groaning]

- [sniffing]
Ugh, what is that?

It smells like
a thousand angry skunks.

- [groans]

all:
[groaning]

- Somebody needs
a diaper change, stat.

- ♪ A little powder,
a little wipey ♪

♪ Now you've got
a fresh new dipey! ♪

- [squeals]

- [grunting]

- Whoops, we got a runner.

- [babbling]
- Oh, look what Lily found.

- That gives me an idea.

- One ice cream
sundae coming up.

- Don't forget the gummy bears!

- Whipped topping
in the hiz-ouse!

- And some yummy
cookie crumbles!

- [indistinct garbling]

- Thanks, Flip, but you're
not supposed to be talking

after your
wisdom teeth surgery.

- You guys,
she's about to try it!

all:
[gasping]

all:
[laughing]

- [giggling]

[giggling]

- Hmm, if I didn't know better,

I'd swear Lily
orchestrated this whole thing.

- Oh, don't be silly, honey.
She's just a baby.

[laughs]

- ♪ Cramped inside
this tiny space ♪

♪ May sound bad
but ain't the case ♪

♪ In the Loud house
- ♪ Loud house

- ♪ Duck and dodge
and push and shove ♪

♪ That's the way we show
our love in the Loud house ♪

- ♪ Loud house

♪ Laundry piles
stacked up high ♪

♪ Hand-me-downs
that make me cry ♪

♪ Stand in line
to take a pee ♪

♪ Never any privacy

♪ Chaos with kids

♪ That's the way
it always is ♪

♪ In the Loud house