04x08 - 10 Million Dollar Sheriff: Parts 1

[bunniefuu]

- 'Yee-haw!'
- 'Yee-haw!'

Once upon a time, there was
this very smart Greek fellow

that said that the shortest
distance between two points

is a straight line.

Well, I can tell you
right now, that fellow

has never been
to Hazzard County.

'I thought you said
this is a shortcut.'

Listen, Luke, you're more than
welcome to get out and walk.

- And I'll just meet you on...
- I ain't gonna argue with you.

- Jump the dang thing.
- Alright.

Ooh, we got 'em
this time, Flash.

We really got 'em this time.

Take a look.

Look through there.

Right there.

- Ooh!
- 'Yee-haw!'

Alright, Flash,
buckle up for safety.

We're in hot pursuit.

- 'Luke, do you sew?'
- Say what?

We're about to thread
the needle. Hang on.

Ugh... you think
you're smart, huh?

Well, three of us
can play at this game.

- Hey, Rosco, you alright?
- You need any help, Rosco?

Oh, are you alright?

Good thing we had
our seat belts on.

'Course I'm alright.
No thanks to you!

You know, I'm gettin' sick
and tired of you makin' me

the laughing stock
of Hazzard County.

And I'm gonna get you
if it's the last thing I do.

And that goes for
Flash, too. You alright?

Right, Rosco.

'This here's the Lost
Sheep callin' Crazy C.'

'Rosco been tryin' to drive
his car upside down again.'

'He's out here
at Hale's Corner.'

Thank you, Frank.

Bye.

'That's gonna run
you $ , Boss.'

- 'A thousand dollars?'
- 'A thousand dollars.'

'A thousand
dollars to fix a car'

'that was brand new
only this morning?'

- Yes. Brand new.
- You see what you've done?

A man who drives as bad as you

ain't fit to call
himself a sheriff.

You ain't fit to call
yourself... dog catcher

street cleaner, a
garbage collector!

- Garbage collector?
- 'Yes.'

Listen, it ain't my fault. I was
chasing those Duke boys...

And they made a
monkey out of you.

Oh, sorry, I didn't mean
to bad-mouth the monkeys.

'Let's say, every time
you tangle with the Dukes'

they make a baboon out of you!

Baboon?

Maybe you oughta stop
tangling with them, Rosco.

You'd save the County
a whole lot of money.

Not that the County has
any, with you stealing it all.

Yeah, well who asked you anyway?

Besides, the County
ain't paying for it this time!

Yeah, that's right. The
County ain't paying for it.

Well, somebody's payin' for it.

- Who's paying for it?
- Who?

- Yeah.
- Well, you!

- That's who.
- Me?

It's coming right out
of your paycheck.

- Out of my paycheck?
- Yeah. For real.

This time? Ooh!

You know the way ol'
Bo and Luke keep findin'

customers for Cooter?

Well, they ought to be
gettin' a finders fee, I think.

Or at least a free grease job.

What's the problem?

'Well, something seems to
be wrong with my car here.'

I've got to get into Hazzard
to see, uh, Sheriff Coltrane.

That's no problem.
We'll give you a lift.

Yeah, just grab your stuff.

- We'll take you into town.
- Much appreciated there.

Yeah, Cooter
can fix that in a bit.

Uh, how do I...
go about this here?

Well, you see, the
doors don't open.

- We'll give you a hoist.
- W-w-where do I..

- W-w-wait.
- Come on, get in there.

Get in the back.
You'll fit in there

- We'll get him in there.
- Well, alright.

- I had a hat when I came in.
- Here's your hat, sir.

'Give me a hand here.'

- Oh, here...
- Oh, let me.

Plus Cooter's bill for $ .

I was chasing those Duke boys.

Plus another bill for
demolishing the hood

and the left front
door and other costs.

Yeah. Again,
chasing those Dukes.

Yeah. Plus another bill
for runnin' feet of fence

which you broke up.

That was a mess
chasing those Duke boys.

Yeah. Plus another bill
for Ron Wheatley's barn

which you smashed
into smithereens.

Yeah. It's those Duke
boys. They just, they just so..

Which means, you owe
the County a grand total of..

About six months of my pay.

Yeah. Only, I want
it now. And in cash.

Boss, now, you know I can't
come up with that kind of money.

I wouldn't say that
if I were you, sheriff.

Oh, Boss, Rosco, this
here is, uh... Mr. Reynolds.

He's an attorney from Atlanta.

He's got some legal
business wit R.P. Coltrane.

Well, Mr. Attorney, you're
just plumb out of luck

if you're planning to
sue this here pauper.

On account I've got
every dime he's gonna earn

in the next six months,
hogtied and branded.

Actually, sir, I'm
here at the behest

of your late great
uncle, Josiah.

I never heard of him.

But, sir, he left you
his entire estate.

Ten million dollars.

'Yee-hoo!'

That's more money than there is

in the rest of
Hazzard put together.

Alright, you Dukes,
you don't fool me.

Listen, you tryin' to play
a joke on a County official

namely me, huh?

Rosco, this ain't no joke.

It sounds serious to me.
At least, we ain't in on it.

We ain't got no idea.

Well, and I'm the tooth fairy.

Sir, I assure you. This
is a legitimate bequest.

Listen, you hush, too, fella.

Or I'll cuff and stuff you.
What'd you think this is?

A playground? This
is a bookin' office.

Now, sheriff, these papers are
all in quite proper legal order.

Whether you choose
to believe it or not

you are now worth
ten million dollars.

Great Uncle Homasha..

- Uh, Josiah, Rosco.
- Whatever. I'll take it.

No. Wait, wait, wait.
Wait, there's some mistake.

Let me see the
color of that money.

Well, now, sir, you'd
hardly expect me to carry

that amount of money
around in my wallet.

However, this should
ease everybody's mind

until we can have the
proper amount of funds

transferred to the sheriff.

Ooh. Oh. Ooh.
Give me a little token.

That's my check!

Ooh-h!

Fifty thousand dollars.
Is that fifty thousand?

- Ooh!
- Rosco, congratulations!

What does it feel being the
richest man in Hazzard County?

- Ooh, it's good news!
- But he ain't. He ain't!

I'm the richest man
in Hazzard County!

I always have been!
I always will be!

From the sound of things,
Boss, Rosco could buy you out

quicker than a
stock of pig squeals.

Why, hello, Mrs. Turner,
did you hear the news?

Yeah, Rosco just
inherited ten million dollars.

The news of Rosco's
inheritance went through Hazzard

like Grant went
through Richmond.

And, friends, that's fast.

And folks that
didn't have a friend

to pass it on to, well they
telephoned a stranger.

I mean, you just
gotta tell somebody.

But old Rosco was
determined not to let the money

affect his simple country ways.

Imported caviar. What's that?

- That's caviar, you lugnut.
- What is it?

- Them fish eggs.
- Eww!

All those millionaires
are supposed

to eat these all the time.

- At dollars a jar?
- Yeah..

How come it's so expensive?

- Well... labor.
- Oh.

You see, you know, it's really
tough for somebody to get those

itty-bitty eggs out of
those little beady shells.

- Never thought of it that way.
- Ooh!

Oh, it must be nice
to have all that money

and how you can just
buy anything you want.

Yeah. Yeah.

You know something, Cletus?

I-I have everything I want.

I got Flash. Oh, you little..

Love you, love you, love
you. And I got mamma.

With all that money, isn't
there something that you want

that you just think
you ain't about to get?

Yeah, now that you
mention it, there is.

There is something that
just galls my very soul.

You know, I think about it
every-every night and every day

and every day and every night.

It's that one more
mountain to climb.

It's that one more
river to swim.

Well, what is it?

- It's the Duke boys.
- Oh.

If I can just catch them,
and put 'em in prison

for the rest of
their natural lives.

Ah..

Boss paying us a visit.

Uncle Jesse must be five
minutes late with the payment.

- Yo, we're home.
- Uncle Jesse.

Hey, Boss, what a
pleasant surprise!

Never expected to find you here.

Oh, no? Well, you boys
ought to know better than that.

I mean, to who else
would I turn for help

when Hazzard County's in real
trouble, but my dearest friend

your Uncle Jesse Duke.

Just what is it you
want from us this time?

Well, Lulu is veryupset
because Rosco inherited

ten million dollars.

No, that ain't what I was
tryin' to tell you, Jesse.

No, no. Lulu's upset because
the great uncle Halleluiah

didn't leave half of
that ten million to her.

Boss, it's great uncle Josiah.

'Well, whatever,
well whoever he was'

'what's the difference?'

The point is that
Lulu didn't get

a rightful share of that money.

And that's a bigwrong.

And I, for one..

That is we, for two,
won't stand for it.

Boss, could be a lot worse.
Look on the bright side.

At least Lulu ain't
got all that money.

She can't run around the state
buying up everything in sight.

You know Rosco is gonna.

And ain't nobody
gonna keep that money

from burning a hole
through his pocket.

Uh, nobody, excepting us Dukes.

You know, boys, I think
maybe we owe it to Rosco

'to try to get to the
bottom of this thing.'

'How do you suppose
we're gonna do that?'

Well, we can start by
talking to that lawyer fella.

Makin' sure he's
on the up-and-up.

Do you think you could find him?

Well, he was on State
about a half an hour ago.

Yeah, Luke and me followed
him all the way up to the farm.

Oh, dang blast! That
means he's too far ahead

for anybody to catch him.

That's only if we
stay on State .

This guy will be
way across country.

You know a shortcut,
don't you, Bo?

- Yeah.
- Let's hit it.

- Good. Go, boys.
- See y'all later.

Go get him!

Uh, Jesse, if you
don't mind, uh..

- Have some pie, J.D..
- Yeah. Oh, if you insist.

Maybe I should've said the pie.

- Oh. Mabel?
- Yes.

Uh, this is Sheriff
Rosco P. Coltrane.

The P is for "Prosperous".

Oh listen, Mabel. Would
you do me a favor?

Darling, uh, let your
fingers go tippy-toeing

through the yellow
pages over there

uh, in the Atlanta
telephone directory

and look under investigator,
and get me a Jason Steele.

Rosco, you can't mean
the real Jason Steele!

Uh, well, it better be the real
one... for what I want him for.

Well, whatever it
is, you can't bring

a sidewinder like
that into Hazzard.

Why, the switchboard
operator in Atlanta says

he's the dirtiest, the
low-downdest, meanest...

Mabel, never mind
his good points.

Just-just go ahead and get him

and then, would you
ring me back, please?

This could be the most
important phone call

I've ever made in my whole life.

It's the most
important phone call

them Dukes is
gon-gonna have too.

Ooh. It's imported dog biscuits.
Here, have a little chomp.

This looks yummy.

Wonder what thems made of?

I hate to claim I know a
shortcut on such short notice

but... this oughta work.

Just about the time old Rosco
figured that he's gonna have

to resort to smoke signals..

- 'Jason Steele.'
- Oh. Uh, Mr. Steele?

'Uh, Mr. Jason Steele?'

Well, this is Sheriff
Rosco P. Coltrane.

I'm the sheriff up
at Hazzard County.

You've heard of me, haven't you?

Uh, no, sir. I can't
say that I have.

I've heard of you.

Listen, I have a little
job for you, Mr. Steele.

I want you to capture a
couple of desperate criminals

by the name of Bo and Luke Duke.

Oh, that's... Bo andLuke Duke?

Uh, Mr. Coltrane,
that'll cost you twice

the going rate.

Oh, well. Heck,
that mean nothing.

Listen, I'm willing
to pay quadruple.

Even four times that much.
Money means nothin' to me.

Sir, you are a man
after my own heart.

And I shall be in
Hazzard tomorrow morning

and we will finalize
the deal then.

Thank you, sir.

Bo and Luke Duke. Who are they?

Well, they're just
a couple of rogues

from some little truck
stop called Hazzard.

We'll take them like
Grant took Richmond.

While Bo and Luke was passing
through the Hazzard car wash

looks like Lawyer Reynolds
was about to observe

an unidentified flyin' object.

And I think the landing's
gonna be pretty interesting, huh?

Luke, bring him around.

- Mornin'.
- Howdy?

It seems like anytime I
go anywhere in Hazzard

I, I run into you two.

Well, the first one
was an accident.

But this time, it's on purpose.

Yes. See, it's
about Mr. Coltrane.

Well, we're worried that money's
gonna slip through his fingers

like soup through a fork.

We just wanna make sure
that money's his to spend.

I see.

Well, maybe this will
answer your question.

I showed this to
Sheriff Coltrane

before I left Hazzard.

"Last will and testimony
of Josiah P. Coltrane."

You wanna look at the
second paragraph on page two.

"And to my grand
nephew, Rosco P. Coltrane

I bequeath the sum
of ten million dollars."

Well, sir, I guess that proves
that Rosco's a millionaire.

Listen, we're sorry to
waste all your time like that.

It was my pleasure.

I'm sure Sheriff Coltrane
will appreciate your concern.

It ain't so much of the money.

We just ain't sure he can handle

being the richest
man in Hazzard.

We'll see you later. Bye-bye.

- Thanks a lot.
- 'Sorry for the inconvenience.'

Now, that's a typical
Duke situation.

Worried about somebody
else while their own tail

is fixing to be in the crack.

'Cause here comes bad news.

That fuel mixture's little lean.

Lean? Are you kiddin'?
It's rich if it's anything.

I ain't gonna argue with
you. Let's let Cooter decide.

Alright.

- Hey, Daisy.
- 'How're you doing?'

What you doing home so early?

- Boss fire you again?
- No, this is serious.

There's rumor going
around the Boars Nest

that Rosco's out to get you.

- What's new?
- Sure.

We out-snookered him
before. Can do it again.

Don't be too sure.

Mabel tells me that Rosco's
used his inheritance money

to hire a private detective

to run you guys
right into prison.

- Fellow by the name Steele.
- Jason Steele?

'Yeah.'

I don't know him,
but I know of him.

One mean fella.

Private investigator
out at Atlanta.

In particular, whether he
catches people fair or not.

That don't sound too good.

Seein' as how he's supposed
to show up any minute.

- Thanks for the warning, Daisy.
- 'You bet.'

You reckon we can find out
what this guy Steele looks like?

If you gotta fight
somebody, it would be nice

to know who to punch.

You're right. Come on inside.

Ooh! ooh, that's..

For a fellow who couldn't buy
a bucket of grapes yesterday

old Rosco was living
high on a hog today.

That's my trigger
finger. You rascal, you!

'Oh... look at Flash.'

Oh... look at her toe nails.
Oh, beautiful, beautiful!

You wanna give that
a little buff right there.

Ooh..

Ooh, oh. Pierre.

Uh, listen, just put
my new clothes on that

gold chair right there.

'See those flashy boots?'

They're a little
gaudy, a little wild

but you're in good taste.

Oh, oh. Excuse me. Excuse me.

- 'Rosco!'
- Oh, good grief!

- Congratulations!
- Oh!

You're a very lucky man!

I know. Aren't they pretty?

Oh, well, I ain't talkin' about
your luck with the ladies.

No, what I meant was
I'm giving you a chance

to invest in a new
business venture of mine.

And I'll cut you in for
picayune ten thousand.

Are you kidding me?

Why in the world
would I want to invest

with some mealy-mile,
little snivelling

little fat, little pipsqueak?

Ooh, rub it right there.

- Who are you talking about?
- I'm talking about you, Hogg.

- Me?
- Yeah, you.

'Well you got your nerve,
talking about me like that.'

- Who?
- Namely, your boss.

Your long suffering
brother-in-law

and the most important
man in Hazzard County.

You were the most important
man in Hazzard County.

You ain't no more, I am.

Well, only until I get
my hands on your..

Never mind.

I ain't never been second
best on nobody in this.

And I don't intend to start now.

I'll just take my business
venture somewhere else.

That little metal muppet. I
got him. I scuffed him, didn't I?

That's a trigger finger, too.

'Just fine, Norman.
How are you?'

Look, you could
do us a big favor.

You know anything about
a guy named Jason Steele?

'Yeah, the talk
around Atlanta is'

'he's some kind
of a bounty hunter.'

He get's paid to get people
out of his client's way.

Yeah, he scares some
off and then he frames

the others into prison.

Oh, he's a lovable cuss.

That's what I'd heard.

Look, he might be
after me and Bo.

You don't think
you could scare up

a picture of him, do you?

If we're gonna be up against him

it'd be nice to know
what he looks like.

I'll check into it, Luke,
and get back to you.

'Now, you be careful. That
Steele's a real bad dude.'

'So you watch yourself
now. I'll talk to you later.'

Right. Much obliged, Norman.

Thanks a lot. See you later.

What'd he have to
say about Steele?

Not a whole lot.

He gonna check through the back
issues and see if he can come up

with a picture and some
more information on him.

Well, I sure hope
he does it soon.

This whole thing stinks to
high heaven and I don't like it.

- I don't like it one bit.
- Come on, Uncle Jesse.

Don't worry. Luke and me
can handle ourselves just fine.

Let's, uh.. Okay.

Well, it's no use
pretending, Uncle Jesse.

I'm worried about them boys.

Figured you was. Same as me.

They know that Steele
character is after them

and yet they just keep
actin' so casual about it.

Acting's the word for it.

Pretendin' like they ain't
got a care in the world.

Just so as we won't worry.

Well, it ain't working on me.

Scared so, I jump a mile
every time I hear a footstep.

Me, too. But the thing is, honey

we can't let them know
how we feel about it.

Otherwise Steele could catch
them with their guard down

and they'd be in more
danger than they are in now.

What do you think?

I knew it! Thank
you. I appreciate that.

I'm gonna get you one. I'll get
that tailor in here and make you

a green suit which sparkles.

I'm gonna count my money.

Oh. I love the color green.

Ten thousand, twenty
thousand, thirty thousand.

One hundred, two
hundred, three hundred..

Who put that one
in there. That's..

Somebody sneaked a one.. Oh!

Who are you? I mean...
what do you want?

Same thing you want,
Mr. Coltrane. The Duke boys.

Ooh. I know who you are.
You're-you're Mr. Steele.

How'd you get in here
past Flash and me?

I didn't hear you
tippy-toe in here.

You see, sometimes,
in my business, it's better

to slip in when
you're not expected.

Well, you don't
have to be sneaky.

Because I'll tell you, those
Duke boys are slipperier

than a bucketful
of greased eels.

- Is that right?
- Yeah, they are.

Well, this job might be a little
more interesting than I thought.

Mr. Coltrane, I'll be
traveling incognito.

Oh, incognito, uh?

You wear what you
got on. You look great.

You see, what I mean here
is, that if you let anyone know

that I'm working on your payroll

'I'll quit the case.'

And you will still
owe me my full fees.

- Is that agreed?
- 'I agree to that.'

Listen, it may take a lot
longer than you figured.

And I'm not gonna pay
you until you get those boys

in Atlanta and put
them in the slammer.

At which time, sir, you
will owe me $ , .

- There's one other small point.
- Yeah?

May heaven... help you, sir.

If you ever even think about
welshin' on that payment.

I wouldn't think.. Well, gee-e!

That bounty hunter
didn't waste much time

before testing the boys.

And his first move
was pretty slick..

For a city boy.

Hey! Are you crazy?

Luke, I think he's
did that deliberate.

Yup. Well, it's time to
show him there ain't no room

for hit and run
drivers in Hazzard.

Yee-hoo! Go, Luke!

John Law, you know
who. Ready to go fishing?

If you can find me a couple
of suckers worth catching.

Well, it's all part of the plan.
I'm baiting the hook right now.

I cross the state
line, you reel 'em in.

Ten-four.

You see Bo and Luke,
being on probation

ain't supposed to
leave Hazzard County

without permission and
being chased by a bounty man

don't come close
to being permission.

Hardly matter, huh? I'm
just getting warmed up.

Luke, the county line!

They cross that line, and
it's goodbye to the ladies

and hello to six
years hard time.

'Just another couple of feet'

we'd been across
the county line.

Yeah, with the Chickasaw
County sheriff waitin' for us.

You know, if I
didn't know better

I could swear that hit and
runner was trying to bait us.

Trying to make us
break our probation.

Yeah, they're smart alright.

This is going to be
more fun than I thought.

Hey, ain't it past
your bed time?

Uncle Jesse, you wanna
tell me what's worryin' ya?

What makes you so
sure that something is?

You always whittle
when you worry.

It's the boys, ain't it?

Yeah.

Something was to
happen to them boys

I don't know what I'd do.

I tell you, I'm
more than worried.

I'm scared plump out of my wits.

Now, grab a hold
of something firm.

Y'all ain't going
to believe this.

Rosco's new toy.

Ain't that tasty?

- I was dustin' it for you.
- Doesn't need dusting.

I've been dusting
it for eight hours.

- A Rolls-Royce?
- Oh, yeah, yeah.

A Rolls-Royce turned
into a sheriff patrol car?

It's a doozy, isn't it?

Well, what kind of a nincompoop
would do this to a Rolls?

This. A very, very rich
nincompoop, that's who.

Alright, Cletus, take my old
vehicle down to the crusher

and have it crushed.

- Now, wait a minute.
- Will you hush?

Sheriff, you can't do that.
That car's still county property.

- That's right!
- Hush!

Hush. I can do
anything I want to.

Listen, take it down
there, and have it crushed

into little eenie-teenie,
little bitsy pieces.

I like smaller the better.

Send the bill to me
when you get it crushed.

Okay.

Little fat buddy, would you
care to join me in the back seat

and watch a little television?

Ooh! Naughty naughty!

I oughta get you for littering.

I ain't got time. I
gotta watch cartoons.

Gee, I love cartoons!
It's my favorite!

Let me get this right, now, you
saying that the mix is too rich

and you saying it's too lean?

No, no, no, it's the other
way around, Cooter.

You got it backwards.

Do you want my expert opinion?

- sh**t.
- Tell him.

Let it be, cousins. Let it be.

Watch you fingers,
and watch your toes.

Well, we can't both
be right all the time.

Hazzard Garage. Crazy
Cooter coming at you.

Huh? Hey, can you k*ll it?

Luke Duke? Yeah,
he's right here. Hang on.

- Uh-huh. Hey, Luke.
- Yeah, I got it. I got it.

Friend of yours from Atlanta.

Yeah, Norman. This here is Luke.

I got some bad
news for you, Luke.

There's not one photograph
of Steele in the morgue.

And I've checked the papers in
Little Rock and Memphis Mobil

and it's all the same story.

Well, from what you
told me about him

I can hardly believe that.

That don't hardly
sound possible.

Well, I got something
here that might help.

I got a clipping about Steele
that he's claimed a reward

for arresting an old moonshiner
by the name of "Wilkinson."

Now, Wilkinson claims that his
home address is Hazzard County.

Yeah, yeah, that would
be old Ben Wilkinson.

He lives in a shack
out in the boonies.

If we find him, we oughta
be able to get some kind

'of description from him.'

If we're lucky.

I'll let you know
how it comes out.

Thanks a lot,
Norman. Much obliged.

Did you hear that?

From what I remember,
old Ben Wilkinson

ain't too friendly.

Right. Old Ben ain't the
meanest man in Hazzard County.

But the meanest one
don't mess with him.

Well, it's gotta be better
than chasing a shadow

which is what we've been doing.

Oh, I ain't believin'
this! Feast your eyes.

'Ain't it funny
what money'll do?'

Come on, let's
give him some grief.

Glad to do it.

- Take care, Cooter.
- Right.

Ooh!

You, pudgers, what're
you doing here?

Listen, you scuffed
my posteriors.

Holy smoke,
Rosco, what an outfit!

I bet that thing glows
in the dark, huh?

Oh, and hey, that's a real
sharp-lookin' police car, Rosco.

- I like that.
- Yeah, it is, ain't he?

Yeah, and keep your clammy
cabbage collectors off of it.

- I want to keep it that way.
- Whatever you say.

Where's your buddy
Steele anyhow?

Oh, he's down at the..

Uh, S-S-Steele, uh,
well.. Which Steele is that?

Oh, come on, Rosco, you know,
the guy you hired to frame us.

Bounty hunter, I believe.

I don't have the slightest idea

what you two boys
are talking about.

Look why don't you just
move this piece of trash

on down the road before
I get you for illegal...

You're the boss, Rosco.

Boss, huh? Yeah.

And don't you forget it!

So, what do you think?

I think he's lying through his
dang teeth. That's what I think.

- That proves one thing.
- Hmm?

- You're right about Steele.
- Yeah.

While the boys was
huntin' their quarry

the quarry was getting
ready to ambush them.

- What you come up with?
- See for yourself.

'Yes, this is gonna make a nice'

little present for
the Duke boys.

Now, all we have to do is
figure out exactly when to use it.

But this ain't the
dangest merry-go-round.

Rosco's bounty
hunter is after the boys

while the boys are huntin'
Rosco's bounty hunter

or anyone who could tell
'em what Steele looked liked.

- He's gonna have both.
- Yeah.

M-Mr. Wilkenson!

Ben, uh-uh, listen, can
we talk to you for a minute?

The door's open.

He's gotta be around
here somewhere.

Got some stew
cookin' on the camp fire.

Ben!

'You looking for
something? Huh?'

Now, you folks know that I don't
like my privacy bein' disturbed.

Now, you boys better have a
dang good excuse for being here.

Now, tell me what you
want, and make it quick.

Did you ever try to come up
with an excuse for trespassing

while staring down
two holes of a shotgun?

- 'Now, tell me what you want?'
- Jason Steele.

What you want with
that low-down vermin for?

No, sir. You see,
Mr. Steele's looking for us.

Well, why didn't you
say so? Ha ha ha!

If Jason Steele is
lookin' for you boys

you may as well
give yourselves up.

You know, he
caught me three times

for the bounty
money. Yes, he did.

'We're sorry to hear
that but Luke and me'

'ain't gonna add to
his bank account none.'

We can't hardly dodge him
unless we know what he looks like.

Well, now, he's, uh, he's about,
uh, about your height and weight

I reckon, and, uh, he's got
the same color hair as you do

'except not as much of it.'

- How about his eyes?
- Brown eyes, brown eyes.

And about as friendly
as a rattle snake.

You know, Bo, if old Ben don't
mind taking a ride into town

I think I got a way to find out
exactly how Mr. Steele looks.

Even if he is little camera shy.

- Do you mind helping us out?
- N-n-no.

Uh, but just let
me fill my jug first.

It's a long ride
into town, boys.

Sure. Keep away from the fire.

Here you go, Rosco.
That'll be fifty cents.

Fifty cents, huh? You
just put that on my tab.

- Okay.
- Ahh! No, you don't, Daisy.

- Give me that.
- Why did you do that?

- Why?
- Yeah.

You ain't got no tab now.

- I ain't?
- Mnh-mnh.

On account, I
figured a newly rich

multi millionaire can pay cash.

Well, I canpay cash if you
can cash athousand dollar bill.

Ahh! Get your garbage
collectors off of that.

On account, I also figured
a newly rich multi millionaire

can pay for his own popcorn.

You know something,
you little pork chop?

You make me sore. You really do.

You know, you've
been bad mouthin' me

ever since you found
out I'm richer than you.

Well, there you go again.

And I'm sick and
tired of it, you hear?

Yeah. Yeah, sick and
tired of you lording over me.

- Yeah?
- Just 'cause I'm number two.

That's right. You're number two.

- You know what I'm gonna do?
- What?

I'm challenging
you here and now..

To a duel.

A duel? Are you
kiddin' me, fella?

You know I'm a better
shot than you are.

Well, I didn't mean
with g*ns, pea brain.

I mean with cards.

Don't you do it, Rosco.
He'll beat the pants off of you.

Will you hush up,
Daisy with your pants?

- Yeah, hush, hush.
- Well, how about it?

Stud poker at inches.

Uh, poker at inches. Inches?

Well, what's the matter?

You're afraid I might win some

of your multi million
dollars Simoleons?

Oh, you..

I'm not afraid of
anything that walks, talks

or digs holes,
you little muffin.

All I gotta do is raise the ante

until it runs him
right out of the game.

Yeah? Well, I'll take
my chances on that.

Of course, if you just rather
let your fellow Hazzardites

know how chicken you are..

Boss!

- Did you say chicken?
- That's right.

Well, you've gone
too far now, fat boy!

You got yourself a poker game.

Eww!

Before Ace took up barbering

he used to do portraits for
a dollar at the County fairs.

And sometimes,
for the state police.

Now, Luke figured if
old Ben could show Acer

where to bob a nose, or square
a jaw, he'd come up with a fair

to middlin' likeness
of old Jason Steele.

Hold on a second. Hey,
Bo, you recognize this guy?

Seems like the one who
tried to run us off the road.

We should've known that, Luke.

Yeah, I believe we
owe Rosco another talk.

- Let's do it.
- Thanks a lot.

Friends, I don't
believe I'd let old Boss

deal me a stack of flap jacks.

Yup, yup, yup.

By this time, the news of the
showdown between Boss and Rosco

was all over the County.

And the Boars Nest was
packed like a bucket of worms.

With folks just waitin' to see

the biggest poker
game in Hazzard

since Boss put up Lulu
as a bet... hoping to lose.

The other guy was bettin' a cow.

Boss was making double
sure that he could double deal

old Rosco out of his
new found fortune.

' "Flash P. Coltrane."'

Good God, I tell you,
you look wonderful!

All those little butterflies

flying around your
fat little tummy.

Alright, now, I'll put you down.

Let you go play.
Go, tearin' off.

Rosco, when you gonna
get this game started?

This suit of yours is
beginning to hurt my eyes.

It does sparkle a little.

Well, listen, I'm ready
whenever that little

penny pincher's ready.

Alright, is he going
to play, or ain't he?

Not only am I gonna play

but I'm gonna teach
this big spender here

a lesson his wallet
will never forget.

Well, let's..

Well, you know what
we need before we start?

What's that?

- We need a referee.
- A referee?

Somebody who doesn't give a
diddly-doo one way or another.

- Well...
- Well, that's Uncle Jessie.

No! No, it can't be me
'cause I hope they both lose.

Well, that would be fair.

Daisy, I've just come down here
to see who Rosco was talkin' to.

What better way to find out?

Yeah. Alright, I'll referee.

Alright, and I'll deal.
Where are the cards?

- Right here.
- Give me those.

Get you clammy cabbage
collectors off of them.

Wait a minute! They're
your cards, ain't they?

- That's right.
- I'll deal.

- No, no you wont.
- Well, let the referee decide.

Uh, your cards, he deals.

Well, that's a fair decision.

Well, you don't give a
diddly-doo-doo, do you?

- Alright, now, then.
- Right.

Since we ain't playing
with money or chips

Daisy, I want you to write our
bets down on your order pad.

Okay, Boss.

- Yeah.
- 'Show him how!'

I know that.

- Queen bets.
- Good.

That means I get to
go first, don't I, Jesse?

Good, alright.

I'm gonna bet you
my goose quill blanket

and my wild cherry headboard

and my, uh, bubble
gum collection.

Against my barbecuer and
my five gallon punch bowl

with a six little
cups. You got that?

Six little cups. Yeah.

Don't y'all know
them folks in Vegas

would just be plain
eat up up with envy?

Queen, kings, high.
Your bet, Rosco.

Oh, good. I love
this, I love this.

Oh, okay. I'm gonna bet my
hen house and all my chickens.

Against my big red
barn in the back forty.

And I'll raise you the big pile
of fertilizer pilled up behind.

Ooh, ooh. Alright.
Let me see here.

Okay, I'm gonna
raise you my house

and one more pile of fertilizer.

- I'll meet that pile.
- Okay.

Hold it, fellas. I got
pile against pile here.

You gotta start all over again.

Well, it..

- Give up?
- Oh, yeah.

Well, it looks like Bo and
Luke are gonna get there

just in time for the
finish of the poker game.

I ain't sure of what
Steele is up to, friends

but I know it
ain't nothin' good.

- 'Raised him a pile.'
- 'Yes.'

Alright, alright.
Don't touch the cards.

Well, I'm not
touchin' the cards.

Now, you know a
bad dude like Steele

ain't givin' nothin' away.

Much less a p*stol.

That's bad.

We didn't have any
trouble findin' Rosco.

For all good it's gonna do.

We gotta play it cool till we
can catch him along with Steele.

'Yeah. Yeah.'

- Garbage.
- King, queen, still bets.

- That's you, Rosco.
- That's me. Well, okay.

Um, I'm gonna bet
new shinny suits

and ten pointy boots.

Against the bill of sale on
my white convertible, hmm?

And I'll raise you all the
imported hardwood furniture

in my house, upstairs and down.

Alright. I'll match
that with my tractor

and I will raise you one colored
television set and a stereo.

'Yeah? And I'll meet
that with everythin' I got.'

Every little big
and little thing

I got in this whole wide world.

You will, huh? Alright, I will
match you with everythin' I got.

'Alright. Alright. Ha ha ha'

Oh, my! Oh, my!

This sure is exciting,
Heaven's alive!

Oh, dear me! I dropped
my handkerchief.

Oh, uh, if you'll all just
excuse me a moment.

'I got him this time.
I'm gonna stop him.'

'I gonna make him a bleached
out metal muffin if I could.'

I once had a dog
who could do that.

He ate one of my boots
and a can of Prince Albert.

But you know that dog
wouldn't touch my cookie.

Yeah, well, I got
my handkerchief

but you know, I've
been thinking, Rosco.

I can't do this
to an old friend.

I'd probably win here.

Um, it wouldn't be right for me

to take away your
new gotten gain

so why don't we just
call off the whole game?

J.D., a deal's a deal.

Now, are you gonna play or
do you forfeit the pot to Rosco?

Pot to him? No, I'll play.

I'll play, I'll play.

Mmm-mm.

Mmm.

'Nine of spades.'

'Six of hearts.'

Since we both bet
everything in the world we own

'uh, I got a pair of kings.'

Well... I got an ace.

That's all.

I got nothing. I got nothing.

Put it in here.

No more house,
no more Boars Nest.

No more saw mills.

No more banks,
no more mortgages.

'No more IOUs.'

I ain't even got no
more barber's chair.

Give me the ring. Don't
crinkle that finger on me.

Put it in. Give me the wallet.

Years and years of working
my fingers to the bone

to make an honest living
in the American way.

It has all gone down the dooms.

Did you see what I did?

I made the richest
man in Hazzard County

the poorest in the state.

Alright, Daisy.

Beer for everybody
at half price.

I won it. I won it.

I'm lucky. I'm lucky.

And lovin', lovin' it.

Since Steele ain't here

hey, you wanna bet
he's at the Moss Hotel?

There's one way to find out.

Yeah, let's go.

Rosco's got everything.

Hard to believe.

Alright, just drink on up.

I'll be back in a
flash with the cash.

Keep slurpin' up those suds.

Ooh.

Don't you.. Oh, it's
you, uh, Mr. Steele.

I don't want you scuffing
the rhinestone on these.

Uh, was there something
you-you wanted to see me about?

How would you like
to nail those Duke boys

for illegal possession
of a handgun?

Ooh, I'd love that.

I.. Uh, how am I gonna do that?

Well, I've seen it
with my own eyes.

It's a nickel-plated
. Magnum.

Good... uh, listen, uh

Mr. Steele, could I ask
you just a little tiny favor?

Uh, listen, you'll get
your money, alright?

I promise you that.

But I'd like to be the one who
apprehends them Duke boys

and cuff 'em and stuff 'em.

Ooh, good, good.

I tell you, I'm
loving, I'm loving it.

You're all heart
and-and-and muscle.

Cletus, you dipstick!
What are you tryin' to do?

Scuff my brand new vehicle?

Now, get your vehicle in the
turn around here and follow me.

Alright, alright. You
don't have to get hot.

I'll follow you.

'Rosco's followin' us and
Cletus is right behind him.'

So what? We ain't
done nothing wrong.

Dang, cuz, we've
just been set up.

Oh, great. All we need to be
is caught with that dang thing.

Uh, get rid of it.

Alright, you two boys.

You might as well
quit horsin' around.

I've got you dead rights.

You throw that thing out now,
Rosco's gonna see you doin' it.

Uh, what are we gonna do?

Well, they can't prove
nothin' if we can throw it

where they can't find it.

Like that quicksand
over at Pesquito Bar.

We're never gonna
shake him on this road.

We don't have to shake him.

All you gotta do is get to
that bog before they do.

We're almost there.

Dang it!

Keep it on the road.

Freeze!

Alright, Cletus, grab
that g*n for evidence.

That's gonna put these Duke
boys in the slammer indefinitely.

Here catch, Cletus. Bo!

'Dipstick!'

- Cletus.
- What?

Get off of me, you dipstick.

You know what you're doing?
You're scuffin' my rhinestones.

I'm sorry, sheriff.
Just trying to help.

Well, you helped them
throw the evidence away.

What evidence you're
talkin' about, Rosco?

Don't pretend you don't
know 'cause you do.

It's that nickel-plated .
Magnum you chucked over there.

Oh, if you knew where we
threw it, you can just go dig it up.

Well, that's just what
Cletus is going to..

No, you.. Naughty, naughty.

You can't have him do
that. That's quicksand.

- It goes all the way to China.
- How about that.

Well, sheriff, then
what keeps it all from

just draining out the other end?

Same thing that keeps
your brain from runnin' out.

- Get to your vehicle.
- Yes, sir.

And you two, see, you're
not out of the woods yet

because you're gonna turn
around one of these days

and make a mistake,
and we're gonna be there.

We're gonna be
in your hip pocket.

I get the feeling
when Rosco said we

he wasn't specifically
referring to him and Cletus.

Yeah, I bet he
meant Jason Steele.

Hey, unless we
can get to him first.

Yeah, the only trouble
is we still ain't got

the slightest idea
where to look.

Grab the jack out of the trunk.

Alright.

Well, the Duke's must
have knocked on about

every door in Hazzard hopin'
to come up with somebody

who could put 'em
on to Jason Steele.

It was like chasin' a ghost.

Now, take a real good look. Are
you sure you haven't seen him?

Did you find Steele?

- Not yet.
- Damn.

Between the four of us,
Uncle Jessie, that's including

Cooter, we've been lookin'
all over the place for him.

- We'll find him though.
- Well, we better.

I..

I think if the boys let their
guard down, they could get..

You got another
picture of that dude?

You bet.

With him after my boys, I..

Just can't stand
by and do nothin'.

Uncle Jessie, where you goin'?

Look out, Rodney. I'm
going down by the swamp.

If I was on the lam, that's
where I'd be hidin' out.

You be careful.

'Breaker one, breaker one.
Might be crazy, but I ain't dumb.'

Crazy Cooter comin' at you.

Uncle Shepherd,
you home on out there

on the Hazzard net, come on.

Cooter, I got too much on my
mind to open my mouth right now.

Uncle Jessie, uh, Daisy
told me what you're doing

and, uh, I don't blame you

but how about
waiting up for me, huh?

Cooter, I can't waste
my time right now.

I-I gotta find
this Steele fella.

This is Jessie. Over and out.

Ow!

Uncle Jessie, you
out there? Come on.

'Crazy Cooter hollerin',
Uncle Shepherd. Come on.'

You know, when you set things
in motion to do somebody harm

there ain't no way to be sure
who's really gonna get hurt.