02x15 - Four Little Words

[bunniefuu]

Come on, people,

give me one original way to assassinate
somebody and we can all go home.

I got it!

Okay, first, we hire a midget.

I'm listening.

When the target starts his car,
said midget,

now in our employ, bursts out
of the air bag and strangles him!

Oh, that'll get 'em.

Congratulations, Smith.

That's the stupidest idea
I've ever heard.

- Guess we're eating dinner here.
- Again.

Bullock's made us work late
every night this week.

You know why. Bullock's wife is still
being held hostage in Fallujah.

Who wants to go home to an empty house?

Where should we order from?
Hoagies 'n Wings?

One of us has to find a woman for Bullock
so he won't want to work late every night.

Great idea, Jackson.

Wow, they have hoagies and wings.

Oh, they also have hamburgers.

I think this place is trying
to do too much.

Damn it!

You want me to set Bullock up
with one of my friends?

Come on Francine,
I'm sick of working late.

Hey, I know the perfect match.

Your friend Melinda.

I don't know.

- Nonsense, it'll be great.
- All right, I'll call her.

But if this doesn't work out, remember,

- I told...
- Oh!

Francine, Klaus had a little accident.
We're gonna need some paper towels.

Oh, I have some of those.

Dude, what the hell?!

I needed a diversion.

Francine was dangerously close
to saying the four words

I never ever want to hear
from her again.

"I told you so."

She's said it to me exactly
four times in our marriage.

I told you so.

I told you so.

I told you so.

I told you so.

I told you so, I told you so.

I cannot hear those words again.

And I'll do whatever it takes to keep her
from saying them, as God is my witness!

- Weird. Not a cloud in the sky.
- Yeah, I know, must be heat lightning.

This pedometer is the best
Christmas gift ever.

- Thanks, Roger.
- Don't mention it, Roger.

Steve, hydrate me.

Over here.

Uch! What is that?

A Manhattan. I feel great!
And look!

I lost half a pound since Tuesday!

You look thin.

And therefore have value.

There he is, Mommy! The monster!

- Timmy, it's not nice to point.
- But he doesn't have a nose.

He can't help it if he's deformed.

Deformed?

I'm just as God made me, madam!

Relax, sir,

you've never looked more beautiful.

- I'm just a bit rusty at pitching woo.
- Oh, there she is.

Melinda.

Oh, god, Francine, please tell me
this is my blind date's father.

I knew this was a bad idea.

- I told you...
- Hey, hey, come on,

we all just got off on the wrong foot.

Let me buy us a round of drinks.

Waiter! 15 kamikazes.

Mirror, mirror on the wall...

let's see how you like it on the floor!

Hey, Roger, we have something
that might cheer you up.

Don't look at me. I'm hideous.
I'm a noseless freak.

Not anymore.

"Rick Baker's Celebrity Nose Kit?"

They're latex copies of
actual celebrity noses.

Just like p*rn stars do
with their genitals.

Shall we get started?

Maybe this was a bad idea.

Oh, my God, it's perfect!

Ladies and gentlemen, presenting...

the Kevin Bacon!

Roger, you look awesome!

First thing tomorrow
we're going to the park.

I can't wait to show my nose
to that kid who spited my face.

Francine, why didn't you warn me about
Avery's unbelievably sexy accent?

Ben Rothlisberger.

Ooh, yeah.

Well, looks like my late nights
at the office are finally over.

Oh, Stan,

nothing turns me on like watching a dear
friend get worked over by an old man.

Well, you're drunk enough.

Francine and I are gonna
go have the maritals.

I just hope I don't pre-marital in the car on the way home.

- Hello?
- Smith, we have a problem.

It's about bloody time.

This is your fault, Smith.

I told you I was rusty
when it came to dating.

I don't understand, sir. I thought
you and Melinda really hit it off.

We did. Lovely woman.

Things were going swimmingly and then I...

I made the most terrible blunder.

Oh, my God,

- Is she dead?
- Quite.

Boy, you are rusty.

Sir, you k*lled your date?!

What in the name of
Phil Spector happened?

Everything was going so well.

Previously on my blind date:

I don't normally move this fast.

I never thought I could feel this way
about someone other than my wife.

I'm gonna go powder my nose.

I'll freshen your drink.

I thought she was a t*rror1st.

Curse my CIA honed reflexes.

Sir, this is a disaster!
Do you realize what you've done?

I've ended a life in its prime.

Worse. You've given my wife
a reason to say "I told you so."

She knew this date wouldn't work out.

Your wife will never know about this, no one will.

One of us will have to bury this body in the woods.

Of course, sir, but how do we decide which one of us will...

Damn it!

There he is.

That little feelings-hurter
is about to eat crow.

I'm gonna go rub his nose in my nose.

Mommy, look! It's the monster.

The monster from the hit movie Hollow Man.

Oh, my God, it is Kevin Bacon!

Normally, I'd chastise you
for watching an R-rated movie,

but Kevin Bacon is an American treasure,

even when he's playing
an invisible r*pist.

- Kevin Bacon. - Stir of Echoes!
- Tremors won three Saturn Awards.

- What's a Saturn Award?
- You're missing the point.

You're right. Sorry. That's Kevin Bacon!

They think you're Kevin Bacon.

Yes, Hayley, I understand things that happen around me.

Mr. Bacon, would you and your entourage
like to dine at my fancy eatery?

- On the house, of course.
- Uno momentito, por favor.

All right, do we milk this Bacon thing

or do we wuss out and get nothing?
Let's vote.

- Hayley, you don't get to vote.
- I was gonna vote for free stuff.

Really? Well, look at you.
Okay.

God, I'm so hung over.

Last night is such a haze,

but it seems like that blind date was a big success.

I think I'll stop by Melinda's today

and get the details.
- No! Don't do that.

- Why, did something go wrong?
- No! It-It's just that, well,

you and Melinda got
in a big fight last night

and she never wants
to talk to you again.

- But Melinda and I never fight.
- Well, normally, no, but

you know how nasty you get
when you drink.

- I do? I didn't know that.
- That's 'cause you always black out.

Look, Francine,
your friendship is dead and buried.

Buried behind the Olive Garden.

The one in Richmond.

Well, I'm gonna go pay a hobo to say

we were playing squash
until very late last night.

Hey, wine guy.

Kevin Bacon wants another free bottle
of your most expensive wine

But, Mr. Bacon, you've already had
five premium bottles and...

Oh, okay, all right, okay.

Hey, I'm doing the back page of Vanity Fair next week.

I guess when they ask me what
my greatest loss in life was,

I'll say the two feet of lower
intestine that had to be removed

after I ate at this dump.

No! Mr. Bacon, of course
it's on the house.

You bet your ass it is.

I'm Kevin Bacon!

- Roger, we can't keep doing this.
- Yeah, I mean, it's stealing.

Oh, oh, excuse me, are you an ethicist?
A-a-are you?

Is there an ethicist in the house?!

- I'm an ethicist.
- Well, screw you, I'm Kevin Bacon!

I just heard Bullock's got
another all-nighter planned for us.

Oh, man.

Francine?

I'm worried about Melinda.

I went by her apartment to apologize
and she wasn't there.

- How odd.
- I don't think she ever made it home.

- How curious.
- H-h-how, how can you be sure?

There was a Thai menu hanging from her doorknob,

which doesn't add up,
because she loves Thai food

and she hates doorknob clutter.

- I'm sure she's fine.
- You're probably right.

I guess I should wait another day
before going to the police.

It appears we have a pig
in our truffle patch.

Sure. My wife has to believe
your date was a success.

Don't worry, Smith,
I'll throw her off the trail.

- Thank you, sir.
- Oh, while I have you,

Does Francine have any
other single friends?

This whole thing with Melinda
has made me really horny.

Francine, you're blocking me!

- I'm in the shower!
- Where are your keys?

On the hook!

I'm looking at the hook,
they're not there!

Check the bowl!

Got 'em! They were in the bowl!

But they were supposed
to be on the hook!

I can't hear you!

You could hear me five seconds ago!

Can you bring me a towel?!

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah!

Thai food?

They should fine these people for littering.

Aw, my knee! God bless it!

Hey, you're not Francine.

You're an assassin.

A midget assassin.

Oh, my god, Bullock's trying
to k*ll my wife.

With my idea.

Yeah, can you drop me off
at the dealership?

They gotta repack me.

That's how you try to throw Francine
off the trail, by k*lling her?

You know, maybe she should go
to the police.

At least then she'd be safe.

Fine, Stan.

But if you don't want her to say,
"I told you so,"

there's only one option.

- There's gotta be another way.
- There is none.

She can either be dead...
or she can be right.

Now you take care of your wife,
or I will.

And next time, Smith,

I won't be using a midget.

I'm gonna wear these out.

- Great, I'll ring those up for you.
- Jump back!

Do you know who I am, clerk face?!

Geez, Roger, you're making Kevin Bacon
look like a total douche.

Yeah, you may be beautiful
on the outside like Kevin Bacon,

but you're ugly on the inside
like Tommy Lee Jones...

on the outside...

- and the inside.
- You know what?

Kevin Bacon is gonna take
as much free stuff as he wants.

He doesn't need you.

It's time for me to cut loose...
footloose!

So why don't you two get lost before
I kick off my Sunday shoe up your ass!

I'm so glad you were able
to track Melinda down.

I just want to clear the air with her.

Well, she's still pretty mad at you.

We'll work it out.

I wonder what's keeping her.

- Is that her?
- Where?

- In the red hat.
- That's a hat rack.

Yeah, yeah, the hat rack. Is that her?

- No, I don't think that's her.
- Oh, well.

Now drink your poison.

Melinda?

Oh, my God, what happened?!

You k*lled her.

I k*lled Melinda?

I don't remember anything!

That's 'cause you got drunk
and blacked out.

- Again.
- What is she doing here?

Why is she wearing lingerie?

Why is she covered in dirt?

Let me start from the beginning.

Melinda met us at the bar,

but she didn't have her ID
and they were totally carding,

so we came back here.

You both put on lingerie and started mud wrestling.

But then you began arguing
over who would shower first.

You made some good points,
but things got out of hand

and you stabbed her
with your Kn*fe set and...

Yeah, I think that's it.

This is awful!

We have to call the police!
I have to turn myself in!

Whoa, m*rder*r!
Don't you think that's a little selfish?

What would your family do without you?

But I k*lled my friend!

How can I live with myself?!

Don't worry, honey. I'll help you put
this horrible business behind you.

Trust me, honey, this is the best way.

We have to destroy the body
so you won't be implicated.

There.

Now you have closure and
our grass will be green all winter.

- Hey, hey, hey.
- Where's your nose, Kevin?

Shouldn't you be out raping the star-struck masses with it?

Nose? What are you...?
Oh, oh, that. Yeah, yeah.

Look, I really owe you guys an apology.

I lost sight of what's important.

It's not what you have right here,

it's what you have right here.

- Oh, that's where my heart is.
- You were a real jerk, Roger.

- Guilty.
- And the worst part is

it almost cost me my friends.

Hugs?

In celebrity news, movie star
Kevin Bacon was involved

in a hit-and-run accident today
right here in Langley Falls.

What?!

The whole incident was captured by a nearby traffic cam.

Kevin Bacon fled the scene
and was arrested 20 minutes later

across the country
in his Hollywood home.

I didn't think I did it, but...

it's clearly me on the tape.

Roger!

I'm gonna turn this cheese sandwich into a panini.

Delizioso!

I'm leaving, Stan.

I k*lled someone and it's tearing
my soul apart.

If I can't turn myself in then I've got
to dedicate my life to helping others.

I'm going to India to care for the poor.

- Tell the children I love them.
- Wait, Francine...

You're not the monster
you think you are.

Of course I am.

I've gone over that whole terrible night
two times in my head,

and the only other explanation
is that someone's framing me.

But who would do something so awful?

There's six months worth of casseroles in the freezer.

I love you.

- I really miss Mom.
- Me, too.

But I don't miss her six-month
supply of casseroles.

Man, I'm glad we finally finished them.

Yeah, I just wish Dad hadn't
added all those noodles

to make them last twice as long.

Well, what choice did he have?

Freezer burn ruined 90% of them.

Wait, wait, wait a minute,
I can do this.

Six divided by...

carry the noodle...

It's two months later!

I know we're all sad about
your mom being gone, but

here's something to cheer us all up.

Stan Smith's famous
Dinner-Cooked Chicken.

I am starved.

Use the mitts, it's hot.

Stan, I'm an alien.
My skin is natural...

Damn it, Roger, I warned you it was hot.

You should have listened to me.
I told you...

You were right, Stan.
You were totally right.

Curse my damnable pride.

Wait.

I was just about to say I told you so,
but you...

you completely disarmed me
with a simple admission of your error.

A preemptive strike, of course.

Where are you going?

- India.
- India?!

But what are we supposed to do for food?

Oh, a girl at the bank told me
about this place.

Okay, children, pay attention,

because you need to learn English to survive.

Repeat after me...

"Thank you for calling
Apple tech support."

Thank you for calling
Apple tech support.

There's the bell.

I'll see all of you who don't die of cholera tomorrow at 8:00.

Francine, I finally found you.

Stan, what are you doing here?

I've come to take you home.

This is my home now, Stan.

I found redemption here by...

devoting my life for the
neediest of the needy.

This is my son, Sanjit.

I adopted him after his mother d*ed
while toiling to feed her family.

Her final wish was that I would take
care of her poor orphaned child.

Francine, you don't understand.

I was wrong and you were right about that blind date.

Terrible idea.

Bullock ended up k*lling
Melinda so I framed you

because I didn't want to hear you
say I told you so.

What?

But now that I've admitted I was wrong
I totally took the wind out of your sails.

So come on, let's go home.
All is forgiven.

You bastard!

God, it's like being in a sauna
with Michael Chiklis!

You made me think I was a m*rder*r?!

Do you have any idea what
a nightmare you put me through?

I prayed to a freakin' elephant!

How am I gonna explain that to Jesus?!

I'm...

I'm sorry...

You're sorry!?

Do you know what super
diarrhea is, Stan?!

Do you know how much
you've screwed up my life?!

Francine, I know I've done some
terrible things, but I'll fix it.

I'll fix everything, I swear.

What about Sanjit?

I don't want an Indian baby!

I don't even like Indian food!

What are you gonna do to fix this?!

Well, we won't have to worry
about that baby anymore.

That's right.
Now that you've cleared the brush,

we can build a sandbox
where Avery, Jr. can play safely.

Guess we won't be working
any more late nights, huh, sir?

I don't know about you, Smith,

but some of us have families
to go home to.

Yes I do! Yes I do!

I'm pretty eager to get home myself.

Don't touch me.

- Still not there yet?
- Not even close.