03x06 - The 42-Year-Old Virgin

[bunniefuu]

Good morning, USA!

I got a feeling that it's
gonna be a wonderful day

The sun in the sky
has a smile on his face

And he's shining a salute
to the American race

SON REGRETS TEACHING DAD
HOW TO TEXT MESSAGE

Oh, boy, it's swell to say

Good morning, USA

Good morning, USA!

Stop!

Stop! I know you can
totally hear me!

Good morning, wh*re.

Freeze! Put your
hands in the air!

Jamison La Croix,
weapons dealer,

drug smuggler, corpse.

Bum, bum, bum
Ba, ba, bum-bum-bum

Bum, bum, bum
Ba, ba, bum-bum-bum

And another one gone,
and another one gone

another one bites the dust.

Hey, he's gonna get you, too,
another one bites the dust.

Well done, Smith.

This brings your k*ll total
up to 14,

and it means you get
to pick tomorrow's lunch.

Quiznos,
I choose Quiznos!

Are you sure?

We have many new take out menus.

Toasted bread
and melted cheese! Quiznos!

Toasted bread
and melted cheese! Quiznos!

Was he in a lot of pain?

Did his guts
spill out?

How long will
he be dead?

I have k*lled for both onor and pleasure.

Sorry, boys, I don't k*ll
and tell.

Part of the k*ller's code.

I bet he sees his victims' faces
every time he closes his eyes.

And I bet they're
all, like, "Why?"

And he's all, like,
"You know why."

Stan has replaced Rutger Hauer
on my wall and in my heart.

You guys are pathetic.

You're idolizing
a m*rder*r.

Oh, yeah?

Well, ba-ba-booey.

What the hell
does that mean?

Guy humor, Hayley.

You don't got a willy,
you don't get the silly.

Dad, speaking of guy stuff,
we were all talking about

trying out for
the gymnastics team at school...

I'll k*ll you
if you do.

He totally will, too.

He's so awesome.

Kids, leave
your father alone.

The last thing he wants to do is relive
every vivid gruesome detail.

Save that for the bedroom,
my big, powerful k*ller.

Francine, you know
I likes to get with the ladies,

but right now
I have to take a rain check.

I'm playing poker tonight with
a couple of guys from work.

We need a fourth,
so Chilly's coming along.

Chilly?

You heard right, baby.

They call me Chilly
'cause I got ice in my veins.

What's with these cards, Bad Larry?!

You're screwing me with these cards!

Why can't I stop sweating?

I'm sorry, Chilly.
I don't control the cards.

If I did, I'd give you the best
gosh-darn ones there were.

Oh! Bad Larry,
your wife made this guacamole?

Usually, the ugly ones can cook.

Ray, you're honest 'cause you're old.

So, how do you and Stan know each other?

From work.

We know each other from work.

Oh, that's where we know him from.

Then from the coffee shop!
I don't know!

I'm trying to play a hand here.

Hey, Smith, mazel
tov on the k*ll today.

What'd you have to eat after?

Uh, I don't know.

You don't know?

What the hell's wrong with you?

I remember
every meal I ate after every k*ll.

Whose deal is it? Come on!
I'm in a big hole here!

Huge, huge hole!Madonna circa 1986.

I'm in Madonna circa 1986.

Johnny Demone was my first k*ll.

Slit his throat with a coping saw,
then ate an egg salad sandwich.

It was too big. I took home half.

Yeah, you never forget your first.

Mine was my old partner Joe.

Turned out he was working
for the East Germans.

While I was strangling him,

I stuck my thumb in his eye
socket and popped his eye out.

Then without severing the optical nerve,
I turned it around so he could watch himself die.

My God, Bad Larry!

One time can I get a hand?!

What about you, Stan?
Who was your first?

Oh, now, I'm a gentleman.
I never k*ll and tell.

Oh, come on.

It's just us guys.

Okay, I shot a guy.

Who? Come on. We want details.

It was this Russian spy.
You guys don't know him.

He was from Canada.

Oh, yeah? Where'd you sh**t him?

- In the body.
- Where inthe body?

The... the front. The.. front of the body.

Hey, uh, how about when
you k*ll someone dead,

and then afterwards
your hands smell like wet dog?

Wet dog?

Well, you know what I mean.
Something dog.

Whose deal is it?
You didn't k*ll anyone today.

I don't think you've ever k*lled anyone.

Wha, what are you...?

I've totally k*lled people.

Hey, anyone notice that
Chilly's really an alien?

- You're a virgin.
- I am not a virgin!

Big macho Stan,
he's a k*lling virgin!

You've never popped your cherry!

No, I... I... my souffl?!

Well, he's my ride, so
I should get going, too.

Probably a good thing since I've been getting
complete crap all ni... Who's in?

- Fold
- Fold.

Damn it!

Don't look at me!
I'm a disgrace!

Come on, Stan.
Get in the car.

We have to talk
about what happened.

Now, should I have
folded that pair of threes?

Roger, I've never k*lled anyone.

Don't you want to know
how that's possible?

Oh, yeah, sure.

We can talk about
your thing first,I guess.

It all started when I was a rookie
agent 20 years ago.

I'd been following this spy for months
and finally had him cornered.

Sorry, folks, spilled my beer. Sorry.

What are you doing?

Don't sh**t me in the stomach!

That's stupid!
It probably won't even k*ll me.

Is this your first time or something?

Oh, my God, it is!

Well, you're terrible at it!
You are terrible!

And you'll never
be any good. Never!

I couldn't do it.

I couldn't pull the trigger. I just froze up.

I took credit for the k*ll, but since then
I've never been able to do the deed.

But I thought you've k*lled
a bunch of people?

Not exactly.

Yep, I still got it.

Hey, you're that virgin
from the subway.

Howy you been, virgin?
I been up and down myself.

Sweet Lady Cancer
took one of my nads.

Everyone thought I was this badass
CIA agent, so I went with it.

And that's who I became--

for myself, my wife and my kids.

Roger, they can never find out the truth.
They'd be devastated.

Hey, don't worry.
Your secret is safe with me.

Look, I'll tell you
one of mine, so we're even.

I return stuff to The Gap
all... the... time.

Liar! Your whole life has been a lie!

Damn it, Roger!

You're not a k*ller of men,
you're a k*ller of truth!

Look, Steve, it's not...

You made me look
like a real jerk.I'm a jerk!

You know what it's like
to be made a jerk of?

I've been walking around my whole life
wondering who the jerk is,

and then bam! I'm the jerk!
You made me a jerk, Pop.

Aren't we a fine pair?
The jerk and the guy that made him a jerk!

Oh, Daddy, I just knew
you couldn't be a cold-blooded k*ller.

- I'm so proud of you.
- No!

Why don't you come with me
to the Citizen's Protest Caucus?

Together, we'll pick blueberries for peace.

I loved you!

Everyone, just relax.
So Stan hasn't k*lled anyone.

He's still the same person
he was last night.

It's just our opinion of him
that's changed.

You told them I'm a k*lling virgin?

Stan, come on. I'm a gossip.

I reveal people's darkest secrets
so I can seem momentarily interesting.

You know who else does that? Hayley.

What are you guys doing here?

Chilly called us this morning.

You can't go on being a virgin.

Which is why we'regonna take you out
and get you your first k*ll.

And you'll be doing your k*lling
with this.

No? All right, then every ones coot back.

I got to whack this thing on the ground.

I don't know about this, guys.

Hey, pal, relax.

We brought you to the best place in town.

Inside are the most pathetic people in the city
with nothing to live for.

It's like Applebee's with a bar.

Oh, wait, Applebee's has a bar.

It's like Applebee's.

Stan, look who I met at the bar.
This is Gladys.

She's 46, never been married
despite years of trying,

had a hysterectomy,so even if she does find
that special someone-- ha-ha--

there's no chance she'll have kids.

You should k*ll her.

Uh, I-I can't. She's, she's too tall.

I don't want to killanyone too... tall.

Everyone, this is James.

I found him curled up under the dart machine
smelling of urineand despair.

His sport jacket, as you can see,
is made of newspapers.

He keeps mumbling that he'd' rather die
than pay that wh*re alimony,

which in my book is a green light.

Uh, you-you guys want me
to sh**t a guy named James?

As in "Jim"?

Like Jim Davis, the guy who opened up his heart
and gave us "Garfield"?

This is Mark. He created that TV show Quintuplets.

Me like e the one where they went to prom.

That one was terrible.
They were all terrible.

That was awful.

I can't stand the whole bar scene.

Hey, it was your first night out there.
You'll find the right one soon.

Well, how will I know it's the right one?

Oh, you'll know.

When you find "the one,"
you just know.

You seem awfully
knowledgeable about all this.

Have you ever...?

Well, I served in the w*r.

- There was a space w*r?
- Space w*r?

No, no, I fought for the Viet Cong in the late '60s.

I've told you that story, right?
Well, the end of it is we won.

Steve, what are you doing?!

Drinking bee rin my underwear.

Put that down and go put on
some clothes this instant!

Or you can shut up!

Oh, this is a little uncomfortable.

There we are.

I'm your father.
You can't talk to me that way.

Yeah? Whatcha gonna do, k*ll me?

Maybe Steve is your "one".

I can't k*ll my own son.

Yeah, that's what I thought.

Now I refer you back to my
previous statement-- shut up!

Get the door.

Boy, he is rough on you.

He is elephant-making-love-to-a-cat rough on you.

Hi, sorry to disturb you.

My name's Randy, I just moved in
with my mom down the street.

I'm throwing emptiesat your head.

I was recently released from prison
and the law requires me

to tell everyone within a two-mile radius
that I'm a registered sex offender.

I threw peanuts at you.

I used to work over at
the water park where I molested a ton of kids.

But, now I'm out, so...
we'll see what happens.

Sorry, my mind's a million miles away.
Now what are you selling?

Hey, shut the door!

You're letting all the air out.

So smooth.

Can I come in?
I would very much like to come in.

I would like tobe in your home.

Chicken strips on a TV tray
in five minutes or I'm kicking your a*s!

Hey, k*ller, how was the k*ll?

Do you need to wash
the blood off your hands?

Or better yet, don't.

Well, I... didn't
actually k*ll anyone.I tried to...

You know what, I'm tired,
I have a headache,

I have a lot of work
to do. my back hurts,

it's that time of the month,
I have an early meeting.

All right Stan,
now don't be nervous.

This place is a sure thing.

I'm gonna do itthis time, guys.

Good. Now, if you start to getnervous, picture them naked.

If you start to get reallynervous, make them get naked.

Still nervous?You get naked.

You can do what everyou want.

You're k*lling these people.

We're in a bit of a hurry,
we have to catch a comet.

Now, according to the laws of Zargon,

we need an outsider to deliver the poison
which will return us to our home planet.

And you must bethe chosen ones since
you were the first to reply to our post on Craigslist.

How awesome is Craigslist?

That's how I met my hiking buddy
and that b*tch who stole all my stuff.

Okay, now, which one of you will
be releasing us to freedom?

Our boy Stan, right here.

Is there a problem?

What're you
waiting for? Hurry up.

Is this the first time you've
poisoned a bunch of people?

Come on, do it.
Do it. Do it!

Uh...

Right now's my acting class.

I'm letting down my scene partner.

So...

I like your shower caps.
It sells "crazy" right away.

There you are.

I've been calling your cell all morning.

I got you a part in a snuff film.
You'll be k*lling Stacy Keach.

Oh, oh, what is this?
I-I don't get this.

I was picking Blueberries
For Peace with my daughter.

Who was I kidding?
I'm just a wimpy non-k*ller

who doesn't have the guts
to end another human's life.

I'll set up the juicer so we
can make empathy smoothies.

Yay.

I see you've notice dour unitards.

We're trying out for gymnastics.

That's right, I'm defying
you with a handspring.

Ah!

I am in Danskin, yet you are
the one sho is shamed.

Good luck.

Wish me luck on bottling
my own preserves.

My blueberries!

Look at yourself.
Look at what you've become.

You're not gonna find the
"one"picking blueberries.

Give it up, Roger.There is no "one".
That person doesn't exist.

No "one" is just going to
magically fall into my lap.

That's it, that's, the "one".

The guy who came to my house.

This whole time I was going out looking
or it when it was right down the street,

living with its mother and
watching The Sandlot on DVD.

Uh, Stan...

It was right there and I couldn't even see it.

Stan?

I guess that's why it's perfect.

You don't even realize it's happening, then...

- Stan!
- What?

Steve just rode away in that
pedophile's ice cream truck.

Oh, my God.

He had ice cream at lunch.

Are you Randy's mother?.
I need to find your son.

He drove off with my boy.

Oh, dear.

Randy used to work
at the water park before the Troubles.

You might want to check there.

He also kills cats!

So, uh... you know.

What an awesome place.

Thanks for bringing us, Randy.

No problem.

Hey, do you kids sometimes
kiss your pillow

and pretend it'sone of the Little Rascals?

Uh, no.

Me, neither.

How'd you boys like to see the old mattress
in my secret spy lair behind the waterfall?

Yeah!

I am uneasy.

I need a ticket quickly.

My son is about to be molested.

- $65.
- 65? That's outrageous.

If you have a soda can,
you get in for half-price.

I hope my son's still
about to be molested.

I need a half-price ticket.

I'm sorry, I can't accept a full can.

It has to be empty.Aah!

Polar bears... shouldn't givethis... to their babies.

All right,clear a path.

Some people workfor a living.

Uh-uh-uh, you guys need tickets.

CIA.

Wow. That bums me out.

Perry-Ellis-wallet owner.
Out of my way.

Chilly told us what happened.

We got here as soon as we could.

Spread out andfind the boys.

There's not a moment to lose.

Sanchez Montezuma, INS,
Churro and Sopapilla Division.

I'm confiscating all these churros.
And a milk, please.

See?

Isn't playing "Popcorn" fun?

Something doesn't seem right here.

Yeah. At the very least we
should've popped by now.

I'm the salt.

All kernels have to wrestle
me to get salted.

Goodbye, sweet virtue.

Freeze, dirt bag.

Dad!

It's all over, Randy.

Time to die.

Okay, yeah. I get it.

Uh... aren't you...

aren't you going to apologize
and beg for your life?

No.

Look, I'm a sex offender.
I love offensive sex.

I offend people
with the sex I have.

That's who I am,and that's who I'll always be.

My God, boys.

We can all take a page from
Randy the molester's book.

He's comfortable with who he is,
and I should be as well.

So I'm not a k*ller.

If it happens for me,
and I k*ll someone, great.

If not, fine.

But it's not going to be what defines me.

I don't need to k*ll someone

to prove anything to you,
myself or anyone else.

Thanks for saving us.

I'm sorry for the way I acted.

Just because you haven't k*lled anyone
doesn't mean you're not a great dad.

Yeah. That's nice.

You're going away for a long time, Randy.

Not as long asyou might think.

What do you mean?

Well, I've got a great lawyer
and my mom's got a ton of money.

I'll be back out on the streets in no time.

I don't think so.

Once again, Bad Larry
I am so sorry.

I can't believe you fired a shot
that completely missed Randy

and went through the waterfall,
hitting Bad Larry who was on the other side.

What?

I'm just trying to make
sure we're all clear.

I'm not gonna make it.

See, Stan?
It was me all along.

I was your "one,"
and you didn't even know it.

Bad Larry.

Hey, hey, no tears, you.
I am one bad, bad Larry.

I'll never forget you, Bad Larry.
You'll always be my first.

I'm... I'm glad it was me.

And I shall become more powerful...
than you could possibly imagine.

- What did he mean by that?
- Eh, who cares, he's dead.

I know it's just a corn dog,
but you'll never forget it.

Where did I park my car?

Daddy! You're just in time

to go with me to pick
Raspberries For Justice.

Go to hell, Hayley.
That's not who I am.

Now go take off that unitard,
or I'll k*ll you.

You so would.

- Did you k*ll someone?
- Yep.

Did you wash the blood
off your hands?

I sure didn't, honey.
I sure didn't.

Here it is, my big chance.

Last line of the show.

Oh, oh, I've got an area.

Something about Rutger Hauer.

No, no, no, wait, wait, wait.
No, no Fox local news. No!