04x09 - Stan Time

[bunniefuu]

Mom, when's Dad coming home?

I can't make my sugar cube
Parthenon without him.

- And I need a ride to store.
- Oh, that's important.

Kids, as soon as your father gets home
he'll have time for you both.

Well, look who's home.

Carrying his shoes?

Almost like he doesn't want
anyone to know he's home.

Roger, please. I just want
20 minutes to myself, that's all.

You know what a dog would do
at a time like this?

He'd bark excitedly,

alerting the family
that his master was home.

Please, Roger, no.

Of course, I suppose
if that dog were to get a treat...

- What do you want? Anything.
- A carton of menthol lights,

and I want look like Audrey Hepburn.

I can give you all the cigarettes,

but I can't make you look
like Audrey Hepburn.

Dad's home!

I haven't started the Parthenon.

It's due tomorrow,
and I'm really tired.

If we don't get
on the highway right now,

the headband store
is going to be closed.

Don't forget the menthol lights.

I'm really mad at Dad right now.

I woke up from my nap,
saw he wasn't as far

along with the Parthenon
as he should be, and I told him so.

Not now, Steven. I have a meeting
in, like, one minute.

Pretend to be my assistant.
And, if this guy asks, my name is...

Freddie Underwood,

p*rn screenwriter extraordinaire!

Helicopter Perry!

The sleaziest p*rn producer
east of Van Nuys!

Come here,
you son-of-a-bitch bastard!

So, how's the smut business, H.P.?

The Internet's k*lling me, Freddie.

Every frat boy with a digital camera
thinks he's a filmmaker now.

I've seen what you speak of.

Dumpster Sluts and the like.
There's no art in it anymore.

Freddie, I'm here
because you wrote Wetness,

the greatest p*rn film I ever made.

I need you to give me
that same magic again.

I'm writing down a number.
I will not accept a penny less.

A million dollars?

Actually, if you look closely,
it says a million "doll hairs."

- No, it doesn't.
- Oh. It was supposed to.

You should get some sleep, Stan.
You'd like that, wouldn't you?

Right to bed.
No time to myself.

Do you realize I've been trying
to read this book for 10 years,

and I haven't gotten past
the first paragraph?

Tonight, that ends.

"Captain First Rank Marko
Ramius of the Soviet Navy

"was dressed for
the Arctic conditions normal

"to the Northern Fleet
submarine base at Polyarny."

Okay. One sentence down.
Already compelling.

"Five layers of wool
and oilskin enclosed him."

You asleep?

I've been holding
that in since Jeopardy.

- What's all that, d*ck?
- I'm watching every movie ever made,

alphabetically by actor's last name.

I'm on Martin Mull.
Underrated actor.

Could anyone else have played
Colonel Mustard in Clue?

The answer is yes.
Christopher Lloyd.

My point is, Mull gets work.

Consistently.

But you have a wife
and kids at home.

How do you have the free time
to do... anything?

The boys down at
the lab gave me these.

You take a pill right before bed,
and you feel like you slept 8 hours.

So you take these pills,

and you never have to sleep?

So I can spend days with my family,

and the nights are all for me.

What will the guys at the lab
think of next?

They have tons of cool stuff.

Check out my rocket zipper.

Once again, we b*at the Russians.

I feel so...

not wired, but...

well-rested.

Like I had a small coffee
around 6:30 at night.

I'm feeling good.

This is the song
that I wrote at 3:00 a.m.

I taught myself
how to play the guitar

I only know two chords so far

My fingers hurt 'cause
I haven't grown calluses

I wonder how long it takes
To grow calluses

I'll bet that'ssomething
You could learn on the Internet

Tomorrow night, I'm going to learn
To use the Internet.

I'm so glad you're having fun
spending time with the kids.

I'm a dad.
That's my job.

Maybe we can spend
some time together later.

Just you and me?

I don't know, Francine.
I work all day,

I spend time with the kids,
and I gotta sleep.

- There's only so many hours in the day.
- I guess you're right.

I'm just being selfish.

Just a little.

d*ck, these pills saved my life.
I can't thank you enough.

My pleasure. Make sure you never mention
the pills to your family.

- They'll definitely want in.
- Oh, no way.

This time is like a gift
from the heavens.

The last thing I want to do is waste it
with my kids or, God forbid, Francine.

Hey, d*ck, do those pills
make you hallucinate your wife?

Damn! Do they let you go back
in time and change the past?

Damn! Do they make you fly?

Really? But only once?

All right. I'll save it for Halloween.
I'm going as a turkey.

Yes, they do. Yes, they do.

Yes, they do!

I'm going to have
to change my costume.

Bad news about Halloween, Francine.

You've been taking pills every night
so you don't have to sleep?

- How long has this been going on?
- I don't know. Six, seven weeks.

Hard to tell.
It's all been like one long day to me!

What are you doing at night
that's making you so happy?

Tons of stuff!

Like this flip-book.
Over 30 drawings.

That's you... falling.
And then hitting the ground.

And then your parachute opens.

In the next book, you become bionic.

This is what you're doing
instead of spending time with your wife.

We can't spend this time
together anyway because you're asleep.

- Not if I take those pills, too.
- What?

Then we can both be awake,
and spend time together!

We can watch Ken Burns'Jazz!

No. And let me tell you why.

You see, there's "Stan" time
and there's "family" time.

You are part of the family.

I do this, I do this.
Now it's a pizza.

That you can have.

Fine. Then I'll take the pills
and do my own stuff.

I'll leave you alone, I promise.

Okay.
I'll give you the pills.

But, after 11:00 p.m.,
we go our separate ways.

Can we sometimes meet for a snack?

I enjoy a solitary
BBQ Lean Pocket at dawn.

It's become a ritual.
Your presence would disrupt that.

- I think he likes it.
- This is terrible!

It's completely dated!

Pool boys and pizza guys
nailing lonely housewives?!

Maybe I need to find
somebody else, Freddie.

Maybe you don't know sex anymore.

I assure you there
are two things I know:

how to poison an Asian and sex.

What if you change the pool boy

to an I.T. guy who makes
his appointments on his PDA?

Sorry about my girl, H.P.
She's on her period.

I love it!

It's now, it's modern.
It's exactly what this script needs.

Freddie, I want you
to write with this kid.

- No way.
- Hey! It's settled.

You're a team.
Let me tell you something, Freddie.

Collaboration is an important thing,

not just in writing, but in life.

Remember,

behind every blade of grass

there is a voice

whispering, "Grow."

How high are you right now, H.P.?

I'm up there.

Whatcha doin',
Mr. Awake-at-3:00-a.m.?

Playing Beetman.

You're a tough, no-nonsense beet

trying to survive
Farmer Gary's Evil Garden.

'Cause I was thinking,

maybe my Francine time
could visit your Stan time,

and, together, they'd have
a little Stan/Fran...

Klaus, I've got no interests.

I thought I liked reading, but then,
when I rembered what that was,

I realized, oh, God, no!
I hate that.

Francine, I'm right in the middle
of a "green bag" demonstration.

Those beautiful strawberries
are four months old!

Oh, sorry, Klaus.

You go ahead and watch your show.

I'll just watch you.

Hey, that's something
I've always liked doing!

Watching you swim.

And I did love going to the aquarium
with my dad when I was a girl.

Maybe one of my interests
is remembering.

Maybe your interest is fish.

And, Klaus, you are a fish!
This is something we could do together.

Francine, I enjoy a solitary
corn dog at 3:00 a.m.

Your presence would disrupt that.

That's it! I'm going to study fish
who aren't complete!

Ocean Digest?
What the hell is this?

Oh, it came!

I've been published.

"How Modern Geophysical Currents
have Affected the Migration Patterns

"of the Elusive and Highly
Sought-After Colossal Squid".

By Francine Smith.

Is that the title of the article?

'Cause it's long.

Stan, don't you get it?

I think I found the Colossal Squid.

All the world's oceanographers
have been looking for this squid,

and I figured out that they were looking
in the wrong ocean.

This is how you choose
to spend your extra time?

- How have you been spending yours?
- By completing the Beetman video game.

I earned an invitation to the Beetman
Regional Championships in Washington.

This is a confirmation that they
received your $300 entrance fee.

Regionals!

Stan, I just rembered.

I have to take a call
with the head of the

French Institute for
Nautical Exploration.

But it's daytime.
You're talking about nighttime stuff.

Sorry. This is the only
time they could do it.

Well, that...
that works out great.

'Cause I need to start playing Beetman
during the day.

Gotta be able to work it with the glare
because that's going to be thrown at me.

You don't even know, Francine.
You don't even know.

This is even worse
than the first draft!

- You said you wanted it more modern.
- Yeah, modern as in now, today.

This is set in the year 3020
on the planet Labia.

It's pronounced Lay-bea.

And it's not a planet, it's a moon.

None of this is real!

What about when the orgy rocket
refuels on the space station?

There was no sex for 62 pages!

Well, no one's gonna be invested
in a month-long intergalactic orgy

if the ship's got
insufficient fuel cells.

You want to talk reality,
let's talk reality!

Let me be clear:

I want something that could
actually happen today in real life.

You got one last chance
or you're fired.

Okay, we gotta brainstorm.

Boy meets girl.

Boing meets girl.

Boing eats... Pass!

Go to the next one.
Wait, what are we doing?

Stan, you're home.

I'd like you to meet
Philippe Monday,

famed French oceanographer
from France.

Mr. Francine!

It is a pleasure to meet
zee husband of Francine.

Philippe read my article
in Ocean Digest magazine

and wants to take me
on an expedition

to Antarctica to find
the Colossal Squid!

Expedition?
For how long?

Only three months.

Although, if we find zee squid,

we will take Francine
on a worldwide lecture tour.

Tu vas etre celebre!

Philippe, tu sais que

ce n'est que la science
qui m'interesse.

You speak French now, too?

Un petit peu.

Philippe, I have
to show you my maps.

I will love your maps!

Mr. Francine, I know
this is upsetting,

but understand that I am
a h*m*, yes?

You understand h*m*.

So you will be losing
your wife not physically,

but perhaps emotionally.

That guy is a douche, yes?

You understand douche?

You can't leave your family for months
just to look for some big squid.

It's a Colossal Squid.

It's the largest
cephalopod on Earth.

And I spoke to the kids.
They support me.

Of course they support you,
they're motherless idiots!

Francine, you'll miss
the Beetman competition.

You'll do fine without me, Stan.

You know, in a way, this is
exactly what you wanted.

It's "Stan" time all the time.

Fine, good!

Now I don't have any distractions!

Just 24 hours of uninterrupted
Beetman action!

Just gonna beet it
till my hands fall off!

We can write a p*rn, right?

We can totally do this.
H.P.'s a dunce.

Sure he has a good eye
for casting black men,

but what does he know
about story? Bupkis!

Okay, p*rn scenario...
Think, Steve, think.

It's not just gonna fall
into our laps.

- How's it going, guys?
- Where's my sandwich?

Coming right up.

I just wanted to introduce you
to my friend Sandy.

She's new here,
completely inexperienced,

but eager to learn.

You might say I'm a virgin at this.

I didn't order your life story.
I ordered a tuna melt.

Why's it so hot in here?

Oh, my God, we're so sorry, guys.
The air conditioning broke.

We'll fix it right away.

If there's anything else you need,
anything,just call us.

- And I mean anything.
- What's wrong with you?

You get a dollar every time
you say the word "anything"?

I got it!
Steve, start typing!

Exterior, Costa Mesa,

day...

Need a hand with that?

Who are you?
My husband's away on business.

I'm the pool boy/pizza guy.

I'm here to check your pH balance

and deliver the sausage you ordered.

What the hell?!

That's the crap H.P. hated.

- It's not modern or real.
- Were you even listening?

I was the pool boy
and the pizza guy.

If demonstrating that
the working poor need two jobs

just to make ends meet
isn't modern or real,

then I don't know what the hell is!

So many soil coins!

- Dad, you gotta eat.
- I have Pirate Booty.

I gotta practice.
Championship's tonight.

I got another e-mail from Mom.
Expedition's going well.

- She said...
- Did she say there's a nuclear rabbit

on her expedition,
because I just froze 4.

Just thawed out!

Oh, got 'em!

{\EASTERN REGIONAL
BEETMAN CHAMPIONSHIPS}

You're going down, Trung.

You forgot to aerate your soil!

Trung, you've got two options:

You can hang your head in shame

or you can shake my hand
and buy me a slice like a man.

Coward.

And the winner of the Eastern
Regional Beetman Tournament:

Stan Smith!

Benny, hurry up!

We have to pick your brother up
at karate!

Okay, Mom!

- I hate her!
- Geez, take it easy, kid.

See, that's why you lost, Trung:
your lady.

You didn't train enough because you were
spending too much time with her,

having dinner, watching TV,

picking out her shoes
for a cocktail party.

What is it?
What is it?

Don't stop.
A little more.

Almost there!

Right in my face.

Great, now it's gonna
be freezing in here.

Steve, come on. We're going
to the diner to write p*rn.

I was just getting my sweater
in case it gets chilly.

A sweater?!

What are you, an old lady?

Better to have it and not need it
than to need it and not have it.

Oh, my God, I'm gonna get you!

- I can't believe you!
- Yeah, how's that taste?

That taste good!

It's so obvious!

Interior: Chimdale Spa.

I shouldn't have had
that second glass of champagne.

I'm feeling vulnerable.

Good, 'cause I've been dying
to kiss you all night.

You gotta to be kidding me!
H.P. said no more sci-fi stuff!

When will you people realize
that robots are erotic?

I don't know. Maybe this business
has changed too much.

Did you know I read that they bleach
buttholes now, Steven?

Are they trying to say
God chose the wrong color?

Maybe we don't know
anything about sex.

Maybe we should just stick
to writing something we do know.

A light romantic comedy...

Set in turn-of-the- century England!

"Exterior, Manor House.

"As the pizza delivery man
emerges from his carriage

"and rings the doorbell.
The robot butler answers the door."

Love it! Still waiting on
that tuna melt, sweetheart!

My memory chip does not
register ordering a pizza.

Prank sensor activated.

That's dialogue!
You just pitched dialogue!

Francine, what do you see?

I see coral, some plant life,

but I don't see the Colossal Squid.

Wait a second.

The Colossal Squid.

Stan, don't turn around.
Just swim away.

Stan, you just k*lled
the Colossal Squid!

No, I don't think so.
That one was tiny.

I passed, like, five others on the way
over here that were way bigger.

- If anything, I k*lled a baby.
- What are you doing here?

I came to tell you that I was wrong.

I know I said I wanted time alone,

but now I realize
I just want time with you.

Things have changed, Stan.

They don't have to!
I threw away the pills, Francine.

I want to go back to our old life,

being with you during the day
and sleeping with you at night.

There you are.

You switched channels on me,
you absurd madame.

So, did you find zee squid?

Remember, when you do find it,
we will tour zee world.

Your life will change forever.

I'm sorry, Philippe.

I didn't find the squid.

I was wrong.

Fabien, my brother,

we have wasted the money from the sale
of your bicycle company.

You are ruined.

Life, ah?

Honey, turn your CB to channel nine.

It's just the baby.

It's the already-dead baby.