God, I love the local news.
Every summer, they tell me
how to b*at the heat,
and every summer, it works.
FAN WHIRS
You know, in other local news,
I was walking through
a parking lot yesterday and...
HE COUGHS
..some ruffians approached and...
HE COUGHS
Sorry, I can't shake this cough.
..and these ruffians stole my...
HE COUGHS
Butt virginity? No, my...
HE COUGHS
Travel-sized mouthwash?
Butt virginity?
No, my...
HE COUGHS
..Zagnut candy bar, dude.
God, Klaus, you're the only guy
who could start a story
in a parking lot
and have it turn out terrible.
Ugh, I hate going to the doctor.
Thanks for coming, Stan.
I must say,
I'm a little surprised you did.
Yeah, me too. Maybe I'm depressed.
I heard "depressed"?
Did I already give you the bad news?
There's bad news?
I don't know, let's see.
We are talking about Klaus,
the goldfish...
with... AIDS.
HE GASPS
No, that's not right.
Klaus doesn't have AIDS.
Klaus here has fish cough,
which is extremely common.
HE SIGHS
And extremely deadly.
HE GASPS
But who has AIDS?
Someone has AIDS.
Yeah, I feel like I read something
about someone having AIDS. Right?
Guys!
True, it is mainly guys
who get AIDS. But which one?
# Good morning, USA
# I got a feeling that it's gonna be
A wonderful day
# The sun in the sky has
A smile on his face
# And he's shining a salute
To the American race
# Oh, boy, it's swell to say
# Good...
Good morning, USA. Ah!
# Good morning, USA! #
Well, we tried.
HE SIGHS
So, there is a surgery
that'll save your fish's life.
It is $10,000.
Let's talk alternatives.
Let's talk rest and rehab.
You can't rest or rehab fish cough.
Can't or won't?
Five bucks? And that was mine!
I gave it to you for parking!
Look, sir, here's the bottom line,
without the surgery, your pet
has a 1% chance of survival.
1%? I'm a Powerball man.
Those are great odds.
But, Stan, maybe the surgery...
Is a pyramid scheme?
You're right, Klaus.
Mary Kay was too good to be true,
and so is this!
THEY GIGGLE
'Del Taco, may I take your order?'
Yeah, we'd like...
HE STIFLES LAUGHTER
..four ice waters, please.
LAUGHTER
'Four ice waters, coming up.'
LAUGHTER
HE MIMICS CAR ENGINE
Oh, sorry, didn't know you worked...
Ice waters?
As far as pranks go,
this is as lame as it gets, boys.
Step it up! Live a little!
Go throw eggs off the overpass
or something. That's a prank!
Now, if you don't mind, I'm in
the middle of a little pickle here.
A homeless man has barricaded
himself in the bathroom,
and literally every customer
has diarrhea.
MOBILE PHONE VIBRATES
"When will you be home?
"Trying to figure out dinner."
God, Francine is obsessed with me.
Hey, Stan, what if we go to the CIA
and have them put me
in another body? Great thought!
Unfortunately, we don't have bodies
just lying around like we used to.
They shred them now.
Oh.
It's too bad
the surgery's so expensive.
HE COUGHS
I know you have a family to support
and Steve will be going to college
in a few years. Is that definite?
He's got his eye on Arizona State
because of all the...
HE COUGHS
..sluts on campus.
I know what'll cheer you up!
Navi-Joe, play big band jazz.
DEVICE BEEPS
MUSIC PLAYS
New sound system?
Not just a sound system, Klaus.
An everything system.
It's the brain of the car.
It can brake, it can park
and it talks.
Whoa! Sounds expensive.
Not really. Navi-Joe,
tell him how much you cost.
MUSIC STOPS
DEVICE BEEPS
Navi-Joe is a steal at $9,000.
Nine grand?
I paid ten!
You spend that much
to soup up your car,
but not to save my life?
Klaus, you're thinking
about this all wrong.
That money is already spent...
on Navi-Joe.
MUSIC CONTINUES PLAYING
HE LAUGHS
I just remembered,
I actually paid $11,000
for Navi-Joe.
I tipped the salesman several times
throughout the negotiation,
kept him motivated until the end.
HE SOBS
Navi-Joe, drive!
TYRES SCREECH
That's the spirit!
Take Navi-Joe for a spin
while you still can!
I kind of got a Make-A-Wish thing
happening here.
PETROL PUMP BEEPS
"See cashier for receipt."
Every time.
HE SIGHS
LoJack says he's just a mile
down the road.
God, I hope he's OK.
Honey, he's a grown fish.
Klaus can take care of himself.
Klaus? I'm talking about Navi-Joe.
Who's Navi-Joe?
My best friend.
I thought I was your best friend.
Really?
Oh, God, it looks like an accident!
I'm coming for you, Navi-Joe!
HE GRUNTS
Authorised personnel only, sir.
THEY GRUNT
HE PANTS
HE SOBS
HE GASPS
He's cold.
Well, I am German.
Oh, ah, gross, he's alive!
Hell yeah, I am!
I found a way to cheat death.
Remember that show
"My Mother the Car"?
Well, change the word
"car" to "fish"
and the word "mother" to "car"
and the word "the" to
"is now my former" because...
your car is now
your former fish, bro!
How did you get in my car, Klaus?
I'm alive, Stan.
I thought you'd be happy about this.
I'll be happy when I know
what you did to Navi-Joe.
Oh, don't worry about Navi-Schmoe.
I can do more than he could ever do.
And more. Have you ever seen
the fountains at the Bellagio?
Child's play.
DRAMATIC CHORAL MUSIC PLAYS
Enough with the razzle-dazzle.
Tell me what happened.
I was furious with you
for wasting my operation money
on your precious car,
so I went to the CIA to check
if they really do shred bodies.
You didn't believe me?
SARCASTICALLY: No.
I hope I haven't jeopardised
our friendship.
Anyway, the scientist there said,
he can put me in anything
with a battery.
So, he put you in my truck?
CAR HORN BEEPS
That's how we say "yes"
in truck language.
Look, I'm glad you're OK,
but we're going back to the CIA
to put you in something
that's around me less,
maybe something in the basement.
Personality-wise, you've always
seemed like a water heater to me.
ENGINE FALTERS
Oh, yeah, I ran out of gas.
Damn it, Klaus! Navi-Joe
would never let that happen.
Well, would Navi-Joe suggest some
big band jazz while we wait for AAA?
He's the one who got me
into big band jazz!
MUSIC PLAYS
That's hot jazz, not big band!
This is pretty high up. What if
the egg shatters their windshield?
I thought you might say that.
Pre-cracked shells.
God, you know me.
All I'm saying...
Stacey, enough.
HE SIGHS
We're sticking to the plan.
I'm gonna drop you and your kids
off at the zoo,
then I'm gonna go check out that
belt sander I saw on Craigslist.
And when I pick you up later,
we're gonna go to Mama Mangia's
for dinner.
And we're gonna have a nice night.
It's been a long time, OK?
OK, Frank.
God, I think the last time we had
a nice night was...
Was when, Stacey?
The night before I flunked
the police academy entrance exam?
I explained to you,
that test was bull.
All trick questions.
But let's go over the facts.
My name is Frank Trueblue.
I get my hair cut at barber shops.
Look at me, Stacey.
Do I not have all the signifiers
of an off-duty cop?
No-one's saying
you're not like a cop, Frank.
Everybody thinks that.
You kids think of me
as essentially a cop, right?
HE SIGHS
OK.
I think we can still salvage...
What the hell?
TYRES SQUEAL
He stopped.
Don't worry. We're safe up here.
TYRES SQUEAL
ENGINE REVS
Maybe he just wants to talk.
We were just doing a little
prank-a-roo.
TYRES SQUEAL
HE SCREAMS
Oh, my God!
I'm OK!
A hawk got me.
To Mount Darkmore!
With the power
of the Dunsmere Crystal,
I can finally defeat Lord Azamaar!
WEAKLY: Now is your time
to feel fear, Azamaar.
TYRES SQUEAL
THEY SCREAM
Maybe the CIA could put me into,
like, a super-strong cyborg
with both male and female genitalia.
Oh, or that crank flashlight-radio
in the disaster kit
under the garage sink!
You'd go great in that.
That man just stole
that lady's Zagnut Bar!
Is anyone gonna stop him?
Anyone?
Sir, you're the only one here.
Uh, you're here, too, ma'am.
I don't see you playing hero.
TYRES SQUEAL
Klaus, give me back the control.
What are you doing?
THIEF GRUNTS
Whoa, nice.
Now, that's what I call
sweet justice.
Thank you, sir.
That's how you hold on
to a candy bar.
Klaus, you were incredible
back there!
Navi-Joe was wrong to stop me
from hitting people. I see that now.
So, can I keep being your car?
Only if you're willing
to be a vigilante
and fight local crime with me.
I'm in.
Let's keep the streets
of Langley safe.
Uh, I think we already cleaned up
this town.
I'm talking about the wrong side
of the tracks.
The embattled, w*r-torn streets
of East Chimdale.
Whoa, take it easy.
I was talking about Lanceton.
I'll got to East Chimdale
when I want a bunch of rats
to chew my d*ck off
in an abandoned baseball card store.
We're here, Stan.
Wow, this place looks rough.
Stan? Are you asleep?
Stay alert, Klaus. We're here.
Stop that thief!
Looks like it's go time.
Stan, take the wheel so I can bash
him repeatedly with my tailgate!
Cool, but just be careful.
I got a bunch of loose golf balls
back there
and I don't wanna lose them.
Damn it, Klaus!
At least close the door
before I lose my loose coat hangers.
I know how many are back there.
TYRES SQUEAL
Hey, you gotta pay for those!
We got this, Manny. Aah!
TYRES SQUEAL
It was just a little prank!
Who the hell was that?
How should I know?
You think I know everyone in town?
Hey, do you know Mark from Germany?
Just drive.
Stan, you ever wonder why
everyone's stealing Zagnuts?
What I have been wondering is...
when did you get so cool?
I'm having a hell of a time
with you!
I feel the same way, Stan.
Oh, we're here.
I think we k*lled this guy.
WEAKLY: I'm still alive.
Should we finish him off?
Now, now, Klaus.
It's not our place to play God.
HE GROANSAND TWITCHES
I think... I think we lost him.
ENGINE REVS
Just do it! Just finish us!
SCREAMING
THEY SCREAM AND CRY
I mean, there was a time when a man
could take out his lady and her kids
and simply have a nice night.
Has the whole world gone crazy?!
They're children, Frank!
And do you know what children
turn into, Stacey? Adults.
Well, not this time!
Frank, look at me. Please, Frank.
Do you remember Montauk?
Do you remember the ferry?
It looked full
and we didn't think we could fit,
but then what happened?
Look at me, Frank!
All those people moved their cars up
just a few inches,
just a few inches to let us on.
They helped us.
Yes. Adults helped us.
Do you remember that, Frank?
Those were good adults.
VOICE BREAKS: Stacey.
Yes, Frank?
Do you think there's any chance
for us...
to still have a nice night?
BOTH SOB
THEY SIGH
Who was that?
CRICKETS CHIRPING
You're right, Klaus.
They are dazzling.
Yeah, when I saw these stars
a while ago,
I was like,
"Stan will go nuts for these."
You know, before today...
I only had, like, one Zagnut
in my entire life.
Maybe none.
Really? You never told me that.
I've never told anybody that.
Now, you know more about me
than anyone in the world.
HE GASPS
Would you say that you trust me
completely?
That I have your heart in my hands?
That's exactly what I'd say, amigo.
Then, I will take your heart
and bash it with my tailgate!
Klaus, what the hell?
You were going to let me die, Stan!
You can't leave me out here
in the middle of nowhere.
This is cougar country!
Don't worry, there's a 1% chance
you survive.
And those are great odds...
for a Powerball man!
TYRES SQUEAL
Have you been writing down
everything I say?
Celebrate your revenge, Klaus.
Celebrate with every ounce
of your being!
HE HOWLS
HE LAUGHS
Ooh, look who heard my wolf howl.
Hey, baby, today's your lucky...
Aw, man, hidden dudes?
At least tell me you're all going
to the same place. Yeah.
We're all going to the same place.
g*n COCKS
HE GASPS
We're bringing in the truck.
Take us to Zagnut Gulch.
Looks like Klaus is headed
to Zagnut Gulch.
HE BREATHES DEEPLY
Hey, g*ng, got a question for you.
Isn't this nice?
What a nice night we're having.
CUTLERY CLATTERS
It's OK, champ.
Sorry, could I bother you
for another fork?
We got a little case
of the butterfingers here.
It's not a big deal.
Of course not, why would it be?
Get the fork.
HE SIGHS
OK, let's dig in!
What's wrong? Nothing.
I thought we were back on track.
What's the problem? It's nothing.
It's just... Just what?
I asked for red sauce,
and they gave me white sauce.
I got this.
It's fine.
I'll just eat it.
I can do this. Montauk.
Hey, really quick, guys,
my lady ordered red sauce,
and you gave her white sauce.
Sorry, buddy,
we're out of red sauce. Check again.
g*n COCKS
No, no, no!
g*nsh*t
GASPING
DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS
# What doesn't k*ll you
Makes you stronger
# Stand a little taller
# Doesn't mean I'm lonely
When I'm alone
# What doesn't k*ll you
Makes a fighter. #
Name's Enoch.
I'm the leader of the Appalachian
Trail Chop Shop Candy g*ng,
AKA The Zagnut Boys.
Hey, Noch, I'm Klaus. I'm a car.
You're a problem is what you are.
A biggun.
Cos we steal cars and Zagnut bars.
And you been shutting down
half our operation!
Got his LoJack.
Great job, Cindy.
You just earned yourself
a Zagnut bar.
Thanks,
but I'm not really in the mood.
I've already had, like, two today.
Oh, oh, no problem.
You're just out of the g*ng.
Oh, come on, Noch.
No, BLEEP you, Cindy.
Dear God, they're stripping the car!
Ooh, that's nice.
But am I young and cool enough
or old and uncool enough
to wear a leather jacket?
No, no, no, no! Please!
Ow! That's my seat!
Please, no, not the doors!
DRILL WHIRS
I beg of you, stop!
How about letting one of the boys
from the front office
do some chopping?
Excuse me. Pardon me.
Sick boots.
What do you got there, the gas cap?
Cool score, dude. Hope you bad boys
left me the steering wheel.
Looking forward to chopping that.
Chop, chop, chop.
TYRES SCREECH
Klaus, you dumb ass!
Klaus?
g*dd*mn it, fish!
BRAKES SQUEAL
You've been a great car.
Navi-Joe loved you.
And I guess, in a way, so did I.
But now I gotta save my friend.
expl*si*n
g*nshots FIRE
Klaus!
Hope you're still in there, buddy.
ENGINE REVS
Style points.
My friend's in here.
I need you to get it working again.
I don't care what experimental,
morally questionable
technology you use, just do it.
I could try a car battery.
Don't talk to me about
your dark arts! Just bring him back!
DEVICE BEEPS
Klaus?
RADIO STATIC
'Traffic on the fives.'
'El perro,
el perro es mi corazon, el...'
'Here's the pitch. Low and inside.'
# 'Do you believe
In life after love?' #
He's gone.
KLAUS: # I can feel something
Inside me say... #
Klaus, I... I thought I lost you.
Stan, why are you in heaven
with me and Cher?
Wait, this isn't... Where are we?
Where's your car?
I crashed it into the cave.
Why? To save you, Klaus!
I knew that, Stan.
I just wanted to hear you say it.
Now, can you get me out
of this thing?
I think I've learned everything
I can as a car.
Well, I did just get a new shipment
of lab animals in. Take your pick.
They're arranged from left to right,
from fastest to fiercest.
How about the fish over there?
That's my fish.
No, that's my friend.
You know, the snake looks like
he could be a cool customer.
You're going in the fish.
Steve, wake up.
HE SCREAMS
Oh, settle down.
I just sh*t a skull cap
full of hamburger meat and calamari.
The important thing is Frank's dead
and Stacey and the kids
are starting a brand-new chapter.
Who's Frank?
He was essentially a cop.
I'm sorry, I don't know what
you're talking about. God.
You know, I put a lot of effort
into showing you
what a real prank looks like, Steve.
Wait, was that you
trying to k*ll us?
Yeah, it was funny!
Hey, if you're going to the hospital
to visit Barry,
tell him I said, "Gotcha."
13x10 - Railroaded
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Series focuses on the eccentric upper middle class Smith family in the fictional community of Langley Falls, Virginia and their four housemates.
Series focuses on the eccentric upper middle class Smith family in the fictional community of Langley Falls, Virginia and their four housemates.