Sue... sue shells sea-sells
by the she-shore.
Toy boat, toy boyt, toy boyt, toy
boyt, toy boyt, toy boyt, toy boyt.
Unique New York, new-ique New York,
New York, new-ique 'nique nork.
My crotch fell.
Knocked over the crotch.
I should move this.
Petunia. Petunia.
Hey.
It's me, Tom Slansky, on what
could turn out to the be the
biggest night of my life.
"Why?" You ask.
Have you ever heard of...
D of...
vampires?
"No, no, Tom.
They're fake, the
things of fairy tales."
You, okay?
Sorry, mom, for the ""
a little bit about me... I'm a
sophomore at Hawthorne college.
I'm majoring in photography.
Uh, my favorite thing to
sh**t is the female form.
But this story's not about me...
this is about Dr. G, the...
And guess what...
he's a vampire.
"Oh, a vampire that teaches history...
that's counterintuitive."
You again, man.
Once upon a time, Dr. G fell in love...
with a human named Mary.
Get a chamber!
No.
But then, this one time in
Mary's bedchamber, they were in
there, and it was getting late,
but they didn't care, and they
were all over each other.
And then the sun went
down, and he bit her.
Aah!
He k*lled the love of his life.
Everyone was pissed.
Her family didn't even let
him come to the funeral...
Just 'cause he k*lled her.
Good thing he's a genius and
dressed up like friar tuck and
snuck in to see her.
Thief!
Gretzky!
I never meant to hurt her.
The devil himself disguised
as a man of the cloth.
Don't be a fool, Gregor.
Ohh!
You'll rot in hell,
Wayne Gretzky.
You'll rot in hell!
I'm already there.
He just kicked Gregor's a*s,
but did you notice that his
teeth didn't grow?
Ever since Mary died,
his teeth went limp.
Goodbye, Mary.
So, for the last 300 years,
Dr. G has been wandering the
earth with his flaccid fangs,
surviving on nothing more
than animal blood... that
is, until a few months ago.
You know, vampire impotence is just
another facet of human impotence.
I am not impotent.
Your teeth won't grow.
What would you call it?
I just think the
comparison may be useful.
Well, in what way?
Well, your impotence began when
you k*lled the love of your life.
Sorry, Herman.
Ooh. Bleeder.
Say "hello" to Mary.
No, it's not uncommon for a
m*rder*r to become impotent...
Because it's usually... my God.
What is up your butt, Wayne?
You know, maybe this whole
thing would work better if we
were just friends.
Better for who?
Not for you... you
need help, my friend.
I know, but no one has
experience with this stuff.
I have experience with people, and
you look just like a person to me.
Only, if I do my job right,
we're gonna have you looking
more like a demon.
We don't look like demons.
On "Buffy," you do.
In real life, we don't.
Well I'm still learning.
There's not a lot of hard
evidence on your breed.
The only reference I have
is pop culture, okay?
But, in any case, I'm, uh,
I'm glad you trust me.
I am, too.
So, who's Chris' advisor?
Dr. Levine, I think.
But he smells
like homemade bread.
Ugh!
Look, we caught
a largemouth a*s.
Ohh!
More like a largemouth d*ck.
What?
Fred, where's your girlfriend?
She's not my girlfriend.
Just admit...
she doesn't exist.
And when the sun goes
down, you guys get g*y.
Just admit that you smell
like sh*t a-all day long.
What?
Ghost-penning songs for
big-hair aristocrats
now she lies in a
plush, velvet bed
shaped like a coffin
and filled with bats
I think I'm just
gonna wait in the car.
I'm smitten and...
I'm sorry.
I forgot my hat.
Oh, you're such a b*tch!
Chris.
No, Ted.
Night blooming
and she bites through necks...
She's right.
...like Ginsu
a sweet, sweet heartkiller
No, no, no, no.
There's... there's nothing wrong
with a freshman being undeclared.
It's difficult to know what you
want to do with the rest of your
life when you're only 18.
I'm 19.
Oh. Were you held back?
What's that supposed to mean?
Why would you say that?
Yes?
Ah, speak of the vampire.
Speak of the devil.
He's not a vampire.
Um, I've been
reading "twilight."
All I can think
about is vampires.
That was not... Gretzkys, uh...
he's not a vampire.
He's a hell of a
history teacher.
He seemed a bit scared.
He was... But in a good way.
The students just love him.
Uh, apparently those vampires
can have sex all night long.
How do you like
that Edward, hmm?
I don't read that sh*t.
Chris, please.
What, dad?
This is college.
You can say "sh*t" here.
That's right, Ted.
Some of our professors use the
word "sh*t" in their lectures.
Well, they shouldn't.
You're right...
they shouldn't.
I'll look into that.
Enough said.
I just think you should
loosen up a little bit, dad.
It's just...
it's the language.
I know, but it's college, dad...
college.
Uh.
Fred!
Hey, hey, Chris.
Hey, hey!
Hi.
Hi!
Beautiful.
Hey, I like your hair.
I cut it.
Yeah, it looks good.
Not good enough.
Uh, Mr. Keller.
Fred, please.
Sorry... Ted.
Uh, guys, uh, this is Chris
and her father, Ted.
Uh, these are my
fraternity brothers.
This is Jared.
Boom.
- And this is Kyle...
- Hey.
Knuckles.
And Tom.
Hey.
Wow. Great to meet
you guys, really.
Uh, I got to go, honey, so...
Okay. Mwah!
Mwah!
Mm!
Fred, take care of
my little girl, okay?
I will do her.
Uh, I'll... I-I-I will do it.
I'll take... I'll
take care of her.
So, Chris, are you
pledging with anyone?
Yeah, with, uh, kappa omicron.
Kappa Os are the biggest h*s!
Unh!
Unh!
Well, which ones are
you guys in, again?
We're STDs.
STDs, gonna give
you the disease.
We're sigma tau delta.
Hey, it's the great one.
Why does he have an umbrella?
He's got a skin disease,
and he's cool as sh*t.
That's Dr. Gretzky.
Oh, that's him?
Yeah, he teaches history.
Remember, I tried to get
you to take that class?
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
I-I mean, I guess I'll add it.
Yeah, my advisor said
everybody loves him.
He's awesome.
Your advisor talked about him?
Yeah, you know, he walked into
my advisor's office, and he
goes, "speak of the vampire."
"Speak of the vampire"?
This is history 205.
I'm your Professor, Dr. Gretzky.
Who's here to add the class?
I must be popular.
Professor Gretzky, I'm sure you
get this all the time, but
were you named after
Wayne Gretzky?
I was named Wayne Gretzky
long before Wayne Gretzky was
named Wayne Gretzky.
I'm pretty sure
he's older than you.
He's like 50.
I'm not named after him.
He wishes.
Wayne Gretzky wasn't even
in the NHL when I was born.
Hasn't anyone ever heard
of a coincidence?!
It's okay, Tom.
Sorry, Dr. G.
It's all right.
We're going to cover
coincidences in history.
You know, you really upset
your daughter today.
I'm not gonna change my
beliefs just because it's her
first day of college.
You know, I've been meaning
to ask you about that.
You know Ron from whole foods...
well, he grew up Amish, and he
said the Amish have no problem
with being out in the sun.
And he has mirrors in his house.
Yeah, well, we don't
like being photographed.
You go to mass.
My mother was catholic.
Mary, I don't
believe you're Amish.
I gave up believing
that years ago.
Well, what do you think I am?
I don't care.
I always just wrote it off as
slight neuroses... might be
easier just to let it slide.
You know what?
If you're not careful, you're
gonna lose your relationship
with your daughter.
Ted, there are things about
me that I just can't change
and that I don't
like to talk about.
I would think you
should understand that.
What's that supposed to mean?
When was the last time you
wanted to make love to me?
That's not fair.
Don't worry.
I just chalk it up
to slight neuroses.
So, he cuts the guy's arm
off, but he doesn't beat him
with it... he slaps him
with his own hand.
Genghis really did have a
wonderful sense of humor.
I mean, he would... he actually
would laugh the most during the
physical act of love.
I remember one time when I was...
when somebody wrote down,
um, that he was entertaining a woman
with a leg-length discrepancy.
As he pulled the boot off the short
leg, he just starts to laugh.
All the men in the neighboring
caves start to laugh.
When we all look... they all
look up, and they see Genghis
wearing the short-leg boot.
"Unh."
Oh, man, I miss him.
I mean, uh, you know, I miss...
I miss reading about him.
Well, can't you
still read about him?
Um, yeah.
Yeah, I could... could.
But, um, it... it
wouldn't be the same.
It wouldn't be as fun.
As fun as what?
Is this going to be on a test?
Yes, everything I say is
gonna be on the test.
I'm kidding.
It's not gonna be on the test.
But it's history.
That's right, Tom
...It's history.
I meant to tell you... I, um, I
really enjoyed your paper last
semester about, uh,
impotence among murderers.
Thank you.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
I actually learned a lot.
You did?
Well, not about
myself, of course.
I-I'll see you Tuesday.
Sure.
Okay. Bye.
Bye.
Hi.
Hi.
"Speak of the vampire"?
I apologize.
I was flustered.
I had just insulted a student.
I said what came to my mind.
What happened to
doctor/patient privilege?
I know, but, come on, like
anyone would ever believe it.
We'll talk about this later.
I got to get to class.
How fast can you run the 40?
What are you talking about?
If I were a vampire,
I'd be in the NFL.
You'd make a hell
of a free safety.
I can't believe Lorianne wants
to do a blood drive again.
I mean, I want to do something
different, like maybe a plasma drive.
Well, what's a plasma drive?
Chris, you are like the
coolest b*tch I know.
I mean, you are not
afraid to ask questions.
Hey, Fred.
Hey, Chris.
Hey, have you met the...
Oh, hey, you guys, look...
it's the great one.
What was that about?
I couldn't control it.
I mean, it was the
same way with Mary.
I could control myself during the
day, but as soon as that sun
- went down...
- Then all bets were off.
Ohh.
couple of sessions with me...
Well, you're not cured,
but, hey, come on.
I mean, w-who is she?
I'll tell you who she is...
she is your vampire Viagra.
She is?
And I am your four-hour
erection, baby...
You know, until we get, uh,
you vamping out on your own.
I mean, it w-wasn't
a full vamp out.
I mean, my teeth just barely
are starting to tingle.
Oh, tingle, schmingle.
I mean, if you would have stayed
around here a while longer, you
would have had this whole
school scared shitless.
Oh, man, she
looked just like her.
Doesn't surprise me.
Really?
Yeah, there... there are only so
many available faces in this world.
You were bound into
run into hers again.
I once treated a young woman who
was the spitting image of my
second wife... I mean,
it was head to toe.
It... Almost cost
me my APA license.
But... She was worth it, and
so is this juicy peach.
Oh, it's weird not seeing
you and Tom together.
Oh, yeah, well, he has barbershop
at night, so didn't work out.
That's too bad.
Yeah.
Hey, uh, I wanted to ask you...
when you came in the building, I
thought you... you fell down.
Oh, yeah, that... that was,
um, like a hundred bees.
Oh.
Okay, well, I'm glad
you're all right.
I mean, you seemed pretty panicked, so...
I just hate bees.
Hey.
Professor Gretzky?
Yes.
Who are you?
I'm Chris Keller.
Um, I'm not on your roll,
but I was wondering...
Mm, yes, you want
to clad my a*s.
You want to, um, add my class.
Uh, yeah.
Would that be all right?
Yes, of course.
I was, uh... Mnh.
Excuse me.
Um, I just found out
that my mother died.
Um.
Class dismissed.
Oh. Ah.
Poor guy's hysterical.
Yeah.
Dr. G.
What?
What?
Whoa.
Your breath is hot.
Oh! Oh!
You're g*y.
g*y?
Oh! Aah.
Ugh.
I've seen the light in my dark,
sitting alone in the park
the stillness of the breeze...
Poor Barry.
Poor big, g*y Barry.
Hey!
Got one for you!
...'cause you're much
more important than them
So, yeah, I think once she
gets into her classes, like,
she'll have more time to
focus on other stuff.
Like, I really hope she
gets into Dr. Gs class.
- I think...
- Speak of the vampire!
Hey, Chris told us
what Dr. Levine said.
Oh.
What a d-bag.
Yeah, isn't he?
No, he's cool, though...
And sh*t.
Whoa, Dr. G.
I didn't know you cussed.
Well, you know,
I don't usually.
It sounded really good.
Hey, uh, are you
...Are you okay?
Oh, yeah.
What do you mean?
Oh, I mean your mom
...She passed away.
Oh, yeah.
Pfft, no biggie.
I mean, well, she's been dead for years...
well, she's been
dying for years, so I was ready.
You just seemed really upset
when you went out of class.
Yeah. I didn't want them
to harvest her organs.
Hey, uh, my friend Chris... she
really wants to add your class.
Chris Keller?
Yeah, yeah.
Uh, she's... she's smart.
She's... well, not book-smart.
She's nice.
She's... I think you're really,
really gonna like her... and not
in a sexual way,
just a normal way.
Yes.
Yes. No.
No sexy sex.
Ah. So, I'm gonna go prepare...
prepare for my students...
not in a sexual
way... for class.
So... I'm gonna go.
I will see you two later...
Sexually.
No sexy sex!
Barry, when I accidentally
k*lled you that night
I wasn't quite myself
I wasn't quite...
Come in.
Hello?
Wayne!
Aah! Oh!
You got me.
I'm... I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry.
I-I meant to, um... well, I
meant to say "ta-da" when I-I
jumped into the room, but
I-I said your name instead.
Oh.
Yeah.
Hey, too bad my
name's not "ta-da."
Yeah. Actually, well, I guess
you'd better be on your way.
I mean, you know, well, after...
after a quick, brief, but
enjoyable minute or two.
And then... I'm sorry.
I don't mean to be rude, but I
have to, uh, prepare for class.
My God, you're beautiful...
Today, just as ever.
What?
Um. Brain fart!
No, but what did you say?
I said, "brain fart!"
No.
Before that.
Um... I don't think
I said anything.
Mm.
Oh, um, I-I grabbed it for you
after you ran out of class.
I cleaned it.
That's, um, that's pretty
sad about your mom.
Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
That whole thing...
that was pretty bad.
But, um... Oh! Ohh!
There we go!
Wayne.
Wayne, are you okay?
No. I just peed my pants!
You what?
Get out!
Okay.
Come back tomorrow.
Yeah, yeah.
Um, what time?
The morning...
morning's a good time.
Oh, it's gorgeous.
So, who's your first victim?
I don't know.
Fred's girl's been vibing
me pretty hard, eh?
Dude, don't be a jerk.
Well, quit
puppy-guarding her, dude.
Make a move or move on.
Dude, I've had like two days.
Give me a break.
All I'm saying is she wants
me, and you're being selfish.
I mean, honestly, what do you
think she'd rather look at,
boys... my naked butt cheeks or
Tom's saggy a*s falling
out the top bunk?
Neither! You big d*ck.
Hey, come on.
Pass.
King me again, sluts.
Ohh!
She always does that.
Your red, red, red eyes
Scum, door... Now.
We could just have
spread them lies
Hey.
I brought you some drinks.
Is that alcohol?
No, energy drinks.
Excuse me, guys.
Over land and sea
don't let them fool you
Did she say that was her mom?
Um, I know... more
like her twin sister.
She is wicked hot.
Bing!
It's 2:00 A.M.
Yeah, I-I wanted
to surprise you.
How? By showing all my
friends how weird you are?
Well, I-I couldn't sleep.
Yeah, well, you never can.
I hate all your Amish sh*t.
Sometimes, people's Amish
sh*t isn't what you think.
If being Amish is so
important to you, then why
didn't you raise me Amish?
I always wanted to teach you
about our ways, but it just...
I-I didn't know how.
You know, maybe I still can.
No.
No, you can't.
I'm 19. It's too late.
I don't care anymore.
Thanks for the drinks.
Yeah.
We got monster, b*tches!
Yeah!
Whoo!
Whoo!
Hey, Tom.
Yeah?
Do you really think kappa
Os are the biggest h*s?
Ever seen that clip on YouTube?
Yeah.
I don't know why she
pledged with them.
Hi, honey.
Cute shoes.
Did you make it
down to see Chris?
Yeah, yeah, I did.
How'd that go?
Stupid.
Honey.
You have a rapport
with her, Ted.
She hates my guts.
Why don't you sue me about it?
Hey.
Don't you wish you could
just turn back the clock?
How far?
Really far.
Yes?
Professor Gretzky?
Uh.
Yes, he is I.
It... come in.
Come on in.
Whoa. What are you doing here?
Oh, I-I thought that message
meant you wanted me to come.
It is.
What can I do for you?
Ah, yes.
The old "add" slip, the infamous...
from before.
Yes.
The "add" slip.
Well, actually, Chris, the night
class is full right now, but
there is an opening
in the morning class.
Oh, the... the 10:30 one?
Yes, yes.
Um, it seems that Barry Pearson
was in that class, and now he is
a missing person.
Yeah, that's awful.
Yeah, it is.
But when God opens a
door, he opens a window.
And now you can join that class.
Oh.
I-I-I hope I-I didn't
break any rules.
Rules?
I mean, who makes rules?
I don't know.
So, um... See you in class.
Okay. I'll look for you.
Deal.
I'll be teaching.
Pervert!
It's for class!
You pervert.
Hey, hey. It's Chris.
Dude, ask her to
the party already.
Dude, don't you think
I'm gonna do that?
Hey, guys, what's up?
Hey, Chris. Hey.
Uh, did you get into
Gretzkys class?
Yeah, I did, but that
night class was full.
But, you know, I got
into the morning one.
Sweet. That's my class.
Hey, Fred Flintstone!
Ow!
You're supposed
to catch it, dude.
You're such an a*s.
That really hurt.
It was a love pass.
Speaking of love,
Chris, you look lovely.
Oh, and smelling so sweet.
Mm!
Well, it was good
to see you, Chris.
I don't want to catch you two f*gs'
pudding in my bed again tonight.
See you guys.
Like he ever catches us.
So, dude, when are you gonna
ask her to the party?
What... what... what
are you talking about?
Uh, Chris, "the most beautiful
girl I've ever seen."
Dude.
What are you
guys talking about?
Ah, chewing the fat.
Just chewing the fat.
Fred.
You were gonna
invite me to a party?
No. Unh-unh. No.
Okay. Well, I-I got to go buy
some textbooks, but, uh, I
will... I'll see you guys.
See you in class.
Bye.
Dude, what the hell
was that about?
I wanted to talk to you about
her, but for some reason, I got
it in my mind when Jared and
Kyle left, I should just...
Don't you think you should
have waited till she left?
I'm so sorry, man.
I'm as surprised as you are.
Every person that entered
into that chamber unannounced
was ex*cuted... Swiftly, by
either sword or crossbow.
Luckily, for Guinevere, that fateful
evening, there was a full moon.
So, you're Guinevere.
As Lancelot lay sleeping naked...
let me just pop these off.
Just kidding.
I can only do that to you.
As Lancelot lay sleeping naked,
he reached for a sword, and the
moon shone down just at that
time, revealing her pale and
only slightly blemished face.
It was right then and there...
Lancelot knew he would risk
everything... he'd risk his
power, his title, his rank...
for that one forbidden evening,
very long and naughty evening
with that ginger-haired
Bathsheba.
Yes!
I thought Camelot
was only a legend.
Tom, you will learn in my class
that every legend begins with
the truth and every real hero
must risk everything to get what
he most desires.
Yes!
So... Ginger-haired
Bathsheba, seat.
Naked Lancelot...
teacher, pants on.
Lecture resumes.
Chris, you're like a poor
man's version of Mary
since Mary's dead, I guess
I'll take what I can get
can't have Mary
'cause she's dead
but I'll take you, Chris
you don't have
to know about...
Whoa!
Trying to fix your guitar?
Nope. Nope.
I just broke this one, actually.
You're not here to drop my class
after one lecture, are you?
Oh, no.
No, no, no, no.
I... that lecture was... It really...
it really spoke to me.
I can't stop thinking about it.
Well, you know, what's funny is
that, um, it's really... it's
really a misunderstood
love story.
What people don't know about
king Arthur was that he really
was sort of a, uh... Prick?
Awesome, right?
And some people would call that
disgusting because of
the age difference.
Although, if they knew the real
age difference, they'd be puking
all over each other.
I'm proud of Dr. G, though,
because there are only two
people in this world who look
like Chris and her mom, and
that's Chris and her mom, and
he had sex with both of them.
Fred and I would just love to
rub up against them in a crowd.
The only bad part about it
is what it did to Fred.
Do it. Do it.
Ohh!
Hey, Freddie Prinze Jr.
Hey, Jared from
subway commercials.
Nice.
Okay.
Hey, how do you personally feel
about Chris tapping Dr. G,
just out of curiosity?
Not so bad, considering that's
the stupidest rumor I've
ever heard in my entire life.
Everybody knows
they're doing it.
Just because they're
always locked in his
office does not mean
they're having sex.
I mean, it might,
but... It doesn't.
Dude, listen, we're just
trying to give you a heads-up.
Yeah, so don't be surprised if
you see Chris' name in my book.
Oh!
His book of sexual conquest.
She probably won't, Fred!
You guys are jerks.
Let's drink these.
Come on, Chris.
Everyone knows
you're getting some.
Why don't you just admit it?
Because it's none
of your business.
You're, like, in his
office every day.
- Yeah, talking about class...
- Mm-hmm.
With our pants on.
More like your
pants on each other.
Like... like, you
guys swap them.
I think we swapped pants.
Huh. Oh.
Sex is so crazy.
Has its moments.
I need you to take me
to the chiropractor.
Yeah.
When she was 12, she told her dad
she probably wanted to marry me.
How do you know that?
He told me.
Believe me
Speak of the vampire.
Dr. G?
Yeah. And he's with Chris.
Deceive me
Let me see.
This is an expensive camera.
I know you did
Dude, they're
getting into his car.
I'm sorry
we are all alone now
together
Dude, Dr. G is
humping your breezy.
She's not my breezy.
She's nobody's breezy.
Nothing's going on between them.
It's just that they... they
got into the car together.
She doesn't have sex every time
she gets into somebody's car.
She's been in my car a lot.
Dude, think about it.
Holding it down
Dr. Gs humping my breezy.
Never let me down
like this before
How long have you been
humping this breezy?
A few days... well,
probably about five weeks.
Am I just a schmuck to you?
Why didn't you tell me?
She's my student,
and she's a kid.
And now you're vamping
out like it's 1399?
Yeah, pretty much.
Hey, could you
vamp out right now?
I'm not gonna do
it in your office.
Let me just throw
this out there.
Ohh. Besides Mary, um... How
many people have you k*lled?
No one.
I never asked you to
help me k*ll people.
Oh, God.
I am so happy to
hear you say that.
I was sweating that
big-time, I'm telling you.
That is a load off my mind.
Wow! Okay.
Except, you know, uh, but, then,
why did you want to vamp out in
the first place?
I thought it'd
make me feel better.
I didn't think
about the k*lling.
Now, don't get me wrong... back
during the renaissance, I used
to drain fools for
walking funny.
But, then, when I met Mary, then
she made me feel different.
All right.
You don't want to k*ll anyone.
You don't want to
play in the NFL.
So, what now?
Well... well, we're just
trying to make me feel better?
Well, at some point, you're just
gonna have to let her go, right?
I mean, look at you.
You're vamping out.
You've got a girl that makes you
feel like you haven't
felt in 300 years.
That's all good.
Do you know why
I feel that way?
Because when I'm with Chris, I
have these moments, these...
these fleeting moments like
Mary's still alive, like I never
k*lled her.
Then the moment's gone,
and she's still dead.
"I waked, she fled, and day
brought back my night."
What am I doing with a
A lot less than I would.
Listen, she's
brought you this far.
Just give her a chance.
Hey, stranger.
Hey.
It's been a while.
Yeah.
So much has happened lately.
How does something
like that just happen?
Well, like, one time, when I was
in his office, I-I took off
my coat, and... I was
naked underneath.
Why are you telling me this?
Because you're like the only person
I can talk to about this stuff.
Another time, we were in his
office, and we were, like, being
intimate and stuff...
you were having sex.
Yeah. Well, like, the whole time,
all I could think about was you.
No, no.
I mean, no, no.
It's... it's not like that.
I mean, I don't... I don't
think about you that way.
I don't think about
you that way, either.
That was just muscle memory.
From what?
Other stuff.
Oh.
Look... I just thought that...
that college would be
different, you know?
Like, we'd hang out and get wasted...
stuff like that.
I could just be a student and
not have crazy good sex
with my Professor.
What do I do, Fred?
You need to dump his a*s... And
quick, before you change your mind.
Once I'm dead
you can tell me everything
Dude, come here.
What?
Just come over here.
Check this out.
Oh. That's Chris.
When she was with Dr. G.
Yeah, thanks for
bringing that up.
No, look.
There's Chris, there's Dr. Gs
umbrella, and no Dr. G!
Oh, my gosh.
Tom, I know... now you can
Photoshop me in there and make
me feel like a bigger idiot.
Dude, I didn't Photoshop it.
Whatever.
I got a quiz on this, so if you can
keep it down, I'd appreciate it.
There's the umbrella.
There's Chris.
Where's Dr. G?
Dude, I am not that good.
I'm not that good.
Exhibit "C"... there's Chris,
there's the umbrella,
and where's Dr. G?
Why would Dr. G not show up?
Shh!
But your hair is a little bit
darker than how she kept it at
the time, but it was cut
off just below the neck.
Marilyn was 5'5" when she wasn't
slouching, and Jack was 6'2".
So she liked to wear high
heels when she visited him at
the oval office 'cause she liked
to look at him in the eyes.
But the affair made
Jack uncomfortable.
He loved his wife.
Marilyn was just a distraction,
something to take his
mind off Castro.
You okay, Tom?
Need some water?
Yeah, I just got a cough.
The days are getting shorter.
You better hurry.
Why... because
the sun might set?
I swear, you're like a
werewolf or something.
And we still are gonna meet at
the tower theater tomorrow?
Oh, yeah.
If it's another Woody Allen
movie, you should go by yourself.
I'm just sick of all these
stupid old-person dates.
I mean, why can't we go out
at night, like normal people?
I'm not a normal person.
Ohh, God!
You're just like my mom!
You think you're
better than everyone.
You know... Sometimes,
when we're having
sex, I think of other people.
I think of someone
else every time.
Mary, you're probably rolling
over in your grave right now.
Yeah, like I give a
sh*t what she thinks.
And she's not dead.
What?
My mom's not dead.
You said she's probably
rolling over in her grave.
I said Mary is probably rolling
over in her grave right now.
Are you a moron?
She's not dead.
You only say that
when people are dead.
Your mother's name is Mary?
Yeah.
You knew that.
No. I would not
have forgotten that.
Well, that's her name.
Don't wear it out.
What's her maiden name?
Why the hell do you care?
Because I care!
It's Lipinsky.
Wayne.
Are you okay?
Oh, my God.
What's wrong with your face?!
I thought I lost you, Mary.
What? Oh! Oh!
Holy sh*t!
You're a werewolf, for real?!
I'm a badass.
Wayne, no!
Oh, God!
Mary?
Chris!
Chris!
Oh, she's still... Oh, sh*t!
sh*t!
sh*t, sh*t, sh*t, sh*t, sh*t!
Okay. Whew, whew, whew!
That was a bad one.
Whew! Okay.
Oh-oh
oh-oh-oh-oh
doo-ooh
tell Santa I
gave you my heart
but don't tell him
you threw it away
Hello.
Hi. Is Mary here?
Uh, she went to a movie.
Probably Woody Allen.
I don't know.
How do I know you again?
Just from around the town.
Oh.
Does she have amazing skin?
Yeah.
That's... that's a
weird question.
Do you have a
photograph of her?
My wife doesn't like
to be photographed.
Right. Right, sorry.
This belongs to her.
All right.
Thank you.
Whoo-hoo-hoo!
Oh, sh*t!
Oh!
Told it to the angel,
now we're worlds apart
now...
Wait. You thought Chris was
dead, but she's still alive.
Mary, who is dead, is
at a Woody Allen movie?
She must have been in a... in
a coma when they buried her.
I mean, people didn't check
for pulses back then.
But if her mother was a
vampire, wouldn't Chris have
been born a vampire?
No, it doesn't work that way.
It's like herpes.
A mother can have it, but that
doesn't mean a child will.
So, you have to bring the person to
the edge of death, and then stop?
What... to turn
them into a vampire?
No, no.
You just have to drink about
a pint of their blood.
That's it?
That's how much I
give when I donate.
Does your bite have venom,
like in "twilight"?
No. People get all these
ridiculous ideas.
It's not about the bite... it's
the drinking of the
blood that does it.
That's so simple,
it's almost stupid.
Yeah. I could slit your
wrist, drain it into a glass,
and drink it... tomorrow,
you'd be a vampire.
I'm game.
Yeah.
I really wish I didn't
turn Chris into a vampire.
I just don't know how
this is gonna play out.
Oh, like a fairy tale, my friend...
like a fairy tale that
never ends.
Just the same, I'd better
be there when she wakes up.
Terrific. I'll go with you.
No.
Okay.
Chris?
Oh, sh*t.
Dvvvt!
What's worse... he steals your
girl or steals your girl, then
turns her into a vampire?
You know, both scenarios suck.
Lucky for me, vampires don't
exist, so I only have to worry
about the first one.
How much evidence do you need?
Come in.
Oh!
Speak of the vampire.
Dr. G, what are you doing
here at this ungodly hour?
It's 9:30.
The witching hour.
Well, can we get anything for
you, perhaps something to drink?
Uh, no thanks.
I'm actually looking for
Chris, uh, Chris Keller.
Yeah. We know her last name.
Some of us used to take baths
with her when we were little.
Well, t-this is important.
Have you tried
looking in your car?
I know she spends a lot
of time in there lately.
Please, if you have any information...
The lambda sigs are having a
bonfire up the canyon.
Why do you need her?
I-I just need to find her.
You still don't think
he's a vampire?
No.
Just a big, fat,
stupid son of a b*tch.
You have to meet Ludmila.
Please don't get me
everything I want
I want to want some things
and if you were to give me
everything, I hope you'd make it
hard for me
Sorry about this, buddy.
Ambush, ambush, ambush,
ambush, ambush, ambush
ambush, ambush, ambush,
ambush, ambush
gather all my folk who's
all together, rally 'round
Hello, Chris.
Listen to the drummer...
Oh, don't you
know how to knock?
How many people
have you k*lled?
Uh.
He makes 29.
All my folk who's all
together, rally 'round
listen to the
drummer talking
Chris, we need to talk.
What's there to talk about?
You're a vampire now.
Uh-huh.
And, uh... Wow, really?
I mean, 29?
Oh!
I need to teach you
certain rules.
Like what?
Well, how to style your hair
without a mirror, how not to
blow up in the sun, how to not
leave people alive, or they're
gonna turn into vampires!
Then why did you
leave me alive, huh?
Because I never
meant to hurt you.
Oh!
Look, we need to talk
about alternatives here.
What are you talking about?
Well, like... like
drinking animal blood.
But you didn't get my note?
Yeah. I tried that
sh*t in your fridge.
You get used to it.
Just because you're a weak-a*s
vampire doesn't mean I have to be.
Look, I know this is all
very, very new to you.
It's probably very difficult.
No.
You know, it's
actually kind of easy.
Well, help me clean this up, and
then we can talk about this.
You know what?
Clean it up yourself.
Oh!
This woman mean,
an aggravated teen
got you running scared
Damn, it feels
good to be a gangsta.
...shook by guerrilla
tactics, ambush
you can say you been hit now
gather all my folk who's
all together, rally 'round
listen to the drummer
talking, listen to the sound
ambush
Mary, I can't wait
to hold you in my arms
I always knew
this day would come
Want to catch a movie?
Now we're sitting here,
in lives we can't deny
Mary! Whoa!
Your toast is burnt.
Mary, I said I love you
I want a divorce.
I hope you feel the same
I deserve a smoothy.
There's just something...
I k*lled a priest when
he said I had no soul.
I k*lled a football player
who had feelings for me.
Mary, hold me close
Oh.
You really couldn't grow
your teeth without me?
Well, okay, well,
I-I said I couldn't.
But then the funniest
thing happened to me.
Okay, so... okay, not "ha
ha" funny, more of a, um,
like, "that's interesting"
kind of funny, you know?
Um.
So, you know your
daughter Chris?
Yeah.
Yeah.
How do you... how
do you know her?
Well, just from school.
But you know how you two
look exactly alike?
We're practically twins.
Yeah. Yeah.
So, anyway, uh, she made
my teeth grow long.
And then we had sex
a bunch of times.
Um, but I am not in love with her,
and we were about to break up.
Also, uh, I turned her into a
vampire, and she k*lled about
I thought of you every time.
You have to get out of here.
Mary.
Go away.
Mary, I can't wait
Go away!
To hold you in my arms
I always knew this
day would come
and now we're sitting here,
in lives we can't rely on
They prefer to make
love in the daytime.
It calms their fear of the sun.
After cl*max, I
always take a sketch.
What? What's wrong?
You don't like sex?
No, I'd probably love sex.
I just... I don't see how
hearing about your multiple
partners is gonna help us out.
There is over 1,000
sketches in this book.
If he has ball
sac... He's in there.
Ball sac?
What... what about him?
Did you make love to him?
No, not this one... And
God knows I tried.
I met him in Coney island, 1986.
He said he loved once
before and that was enough.
He got me a corn dog.
What was his name?
He never said, but his
nickname I remember.
What was it?
The great one.
Let's go.
I've got an appointment with
her, but I'll meet you out...
meet you out there.
Thank you.
Take this and put it on there.
Are you sure?
Oh, hey, b*tch faces,
where is everybody?
I think they went bowling.
Lame.
Is this absinthe?
You do not even know
what you're missing.
None of you do.
I've got something that
will blow you mind.
What is it?
Come in here.
Where's your whip,
sexified b*tch?
Ow!
Are you trying to be,
like, all l*sbian on me?
Just come here.
Do you want to do body shots?
Shh.
Mm.
Okay.
Ooh.
Oh, Chris, I'm so glad
you roll this way.
Mm. Me too.
Ugh! Aah!
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God.
Ta-da!
What?
You'll thank me tomorrow.
Aah!
Yeah.
Yeah, that looks good.
Come on.
Come on.
Nothing.
Why did you have to
tell her about Chris?
I mean you had to, right?
Damn it.
All those hours of therapy, and
now we're right back
to the drawing board.
Your hands are prune-y.
That seems odd happening
to a vampire.
So, is, uh, 29 a lot?
Yeah, it's a lot.
What... you don't
think that's a lot?
Well, I don't know.
There was a guy in Toulouse.
He k*lled 19 his first night.
He's what they call a
Nosferatu Puternic.
What's that?
It's Romanian for
"super vampire."
These guys are
cold-blooded murderers.
They k*ll way more
than they can drink.
Is he still alive?
No, no.
He fell asleep in the sun.
You have to k*ll
her, don't you?
Are you crazy?
I thought we were
here to k*ll him.
Dude, the sunlight
will k*ll him.
And this way, if... if he's not
a vampire, we won't go to jail.
What the hell?
For the last five weeks, you've
been saying you're
positive he's a vampire.
And I am, but this way, I
don't have to be positive.
Thou shalt break them
thou shalt break them
Yo, Dr. G.
You played me like a b*tch!
Like a b*tch!
What?
You stole my girl.
I don't know what
you're talking about.
And we got a
picture to prove it.
You have a photograph of me?
Yeah, come around
the desk and see it.
Well, show it to me.
I'm too tired to come over.
Thou shalt dash them
in pieces, in pieces
It's empty.
Aah!
We bounced sunlight
on your vampire a*s!
How you like me now, huh? Huh?!
Ohh!
He didn't die, you as*h*le!
I don't have time for this!
That's hickory, you moron.
Thou shalt break them
Ohh!
Oh, that's such bullshit!
Thou shalt break them
with a rod of iron
You guys are really easy
to fight, so stop, okay?
Let's just talk.
Just promise not to
bite my best friend.
Please, please, please, pl...
I'm not going to.
I couldn't, anyway... Not
with everything that's going
on in my personal life.
Why don't you guys take a seat?
I don't want to sit
down in your sex chair.
Well, just lean against
something, then, okay?
What if I just
want to stand up?
Fine. Whatever.
What I'm trying to say is that
what I have to tell you guys is
gonna be a little bit difficult
to take standing up.
Really? More difficult than
finding out that your most
favorite teacher ever is a
vampire and he had a bunch of
"crazy good sex"
with your soul mate?
It gets worse.
What... you k*lled her?!
No.
I turned her into a vampire.
And now we have to k*ll her.
b*stard!
I know. I know.
I'm a b*stard.
I'm a son of a b*tch
and just a big d*ck.
You know, I didn't mean for
any of this stuff to happen.
But she's out of control...
And I have to stop her.
How?
I don't know yet.
Um.
Let us help you.
You guys suck.
Dude, she's really pretty and
everything, but she
wasn't that into you.
And... and now she's
a demon from hell!
I said you suck!
Tell us what to do.
So, why does it have to be ash?
I don't know.
Why does the sun
make me explode?
I mean, why am I still
allergic to peanuts?
So, after we k*ll Chris, do
we get to k*ll you, too?
Well, I guess I
wouldn't blame you.
'Cause you're still a vampire.
Yeah, Fred, but he's different.
"Different" as in he likes to
have sex with teenage girls and
turn them into vampires?
Well, I guess I'm different because
I don't like to k*ll people.
Yeah, just your
ex-girlfriends.
Turns out.
You've been one
way longer than her.
Shouldn't you be
way more powerful?
Yeah. Why can't you
fight her by yourself?
It's because I'm impotent.
Vampires fight
with their wieners?
No.
I assure you I can hold
a gigantic erection.
Um, I can maintain an erection.
What I mean by "impotent"
is that I can't vamp out.
I can't... can't grow my teeth.
Why not?
Is it because you're a d*ck?
It's a long story.
But even if I could vamp out,
she's way stronger than me.
I saw her strength that first
night, and she's just learning.
Figures.
You would be a weak-a*s vampire.
I'm not weak...
she's stronger.
So, do vampires do everything
in horseshit and snow?
Yeah, Tom.
Yeah, everything we do is
in horseshit and snow.
You got that from the
vampire book, I guess.
Just saying.
It's the only
place in the shade.
What do you want?
Okay, I'm gonna be holding her
down because that's gonna be
the hardest part.
Here. I want you to hold the
stake into place and just lean
into it a little bit.
'Cause I'm heavy?
Just to help, all right?
Fred, get ready with
the sledgehammer.
Hey, hold it right
over her heart, okay?
Dude, do not smash my fingers.
All right, Fred, you
got to hit it hard.
Vampire bone is very dense.
Okay.
We only got one shot at this.
You nail that b*tch
to the ground.
She's my b*tch, you big d*ck.
How the hell do I
get out of here?!
You big d*ck and your
big, fat dickhead fence!
I hate you!
I'm holding
that against you
Dude, if you do that during the
real one, it's gonna suck so bad.
Deceive me
I know you did
I'm sorry
This is hard on
all of us, Fred.
That's easy for you to say.
Together
She was supposed
to be my breezy.
We're so far apart
The blood drive is mandatory.
We're going to have it
at the STD boys' house.
Where's Chris?
She's supposed to be here.
How are they gonna have a
blood drive at our house?
They're going to park
a trailer in front.
It's got everything they need.
We just need to supply all the
refreshments for the donors, okay?
Oh, I just got the chills.
Where have you guys been?
Oh, well, we just, uh, k*lled a
gas station attendant, and we
had to cover it up.
Oh, that's funny.
Oh, it was.
Aah!
Aah!
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!
Meeting adjourned, b*tches.
Now, who wants to be a vampire?
Come on. Don't be shy.
All right.
Well, the rest of
you are dinner.
Let's get out of here, Fred.
Dr. G!
Dr. G, oh, my God!
I've been looking
everywhere for you guys.
Fred wanted to try
to talk to Chris.
Did you?
What did you do to her?
She's turning her
sorority into vampires!
Only half of them.
They're gonna eat the rest.
We're gonna need help.
Who's gonna help us?
Huh?
Hello, Wayne.
Hi, Mary.
I-I was just noticing how
beautiful your flowers are.
They're mums.
Well, your mum has
excellent taste.
Here we are again
dancing through...
How do you know Fred green?
Uh, he's, uh, helping us with
the logistics on... How we're
going to k*ll Chris.
She's turned her sorority
sisters into vampires.
And she's strong.
She's really strong.
Why did you do this to her?
You know the funniest
things happen in life.
This is not one of them,
though, as you know.
I messed up pretty bad.
Why did you bury me?
I didn't know.
I need your help, Mary.
Is Fred a vampire now?
No. No, no, no.
He's just helping us out.
He'll be k*lled.
Well, we're working
on a game plan.
I won't help you
k*ll my daughter.
I can't do that.
Yeah, I figured as much.
If I could just have your blessing...
Well... Wish me luck.
Probably die.
I was hungry, so I had to stop
for a burrito at "Chipotel."
I'm almost there, all right?
Dude, it's pronounced both ways.
Mom?
Hey, Chris.
Hi, Tom.
So, I guess it's
supposed to rain today.
I wish I had the foresight to
have bring my umbr-r-r-Ella.
So... Ah, yeah.
I see you guys all
got yours open.
Mm. Just preserving our skin.
Ooh, very smart.
So, what do I do with it today?
- What is...
- Oh, this is for the blood drive at your house.
Didn't you know about it?
Yeah. I guess I just assumed
it was canceled, 'cause...
Why would it be canceled?
Weather.
This is for skin cancer.
Oh.
So sorry.
Okay.
Hey, don't let Fred come.
Why not?
I-I'm like 100% positive
he has a heart murmur.
But you should come.
I see how it is.
Well, I guess I've
got to go to class.
- If you'll excuse me...
- Thank you.
You know, if someone would
have told me four months ago
that, by the end of the
semester, I'd be plotting to
k*ll my... True love 'cause she's
a psychotic vampire, I would
have been like... "No way."
But now that we're actually doing it and...
I just look back
on that imagined scenario, and
I-I just want to grab myself and
I want to say,
"listen to this guy.
He knows exactly what
he's talking about."
Dr. G!
Son of a b*tch!
Damn!
I'm sorry about that.
Tom, hey, you look like
you've seen a ghost.
More like a bunch of vampires
that are trying to k*ll me and
my fraternity.
A blood drive?
They're still having it?
Yeah, and they're out,
passing out flyers.
And Chris said you couldn't come
'cause you have a heart murmur.
I don't have a heart murmur.
Then she's a
liar and a vampire.
Why doesn't she want me there?
This... that doesn't
change anything, okay?
This just lets us know
where they're gonna be.
Now, let's put on
our thinking caps.
Bury me good.
You wanted to see me?
Hi.
Ah.
Chris invited me to the blood
drive, and I told her that I
couldn't make it.
But then I got to thinking...
how selfish of me.
Is this your blood?
It is.
Mm.
I hope it's enough.
Um, I actually feel
a little faint.
Um, could you see
that Chris gets this?
I'm sure she'll know
what to do with it.
Sure thing.
Well, um, I think, uh, I think I'll
turn in a little early tonight.
You're gonna sleep in here?
Oh.
You have no idea how
comfy this thing is.
Don't drink and drive.
You almost done?
All done.
We got to hurry.
The salon closes
earlier on Fridays.
Hey, tweedle-dumbasses,
what is this?
Uh, it's our new coat rack.
Why the hell do the hooks go
all the way to the floor?
Just in case a
little kid comes over.
Kids aren't allowed here.
Clean this sh*t up
before the party.
Resistance is futile
Wait a second.
Aah! Jared! Jared! Ow.
And I am gonna
drink your blood
We're here to set up.
Fred... I didn't
think you'd be here.
Well, I guess a lot of things
happen that you'd never, in your
wildest dreams, would
think would happen.
Kappa h*s!
What's up, ladies.
Well, hello, Kyle.
Sweet.
You guys all look like hookers.
All right, we got to go.
So... You won't be here?
Well, then, do you
want me to be here?
Well, I guess it doesn't
matter either way.
So it's like that, then?
Like what?
We'd best skedaddle.
So, excuse us.
Friends, family, Ludmila...
take a good look at me now
because this could be the
last time you see me alive.
Just know that I love you
and I did it for you.
And to the kappa Os...
buckle up, b*tches.
We 'bout to ride
your asses to hell.
Ah
ah-ah
ah-ah
ah-ah
ah-ah
ah-ah
ah-ah
ah-ah
ah-ah
Hey, are you guys
done playing grab-a*s?
Almost.
And what the hell is this?
Dude, it is what it is.
You guys need to come upstairs.
The kitchen looks disgusting.
Maybe if you play your cards
right and clean up your room,
you'll get laid tonight...
I'm fixing to hit you
by girls this time.
I'm fixing to hit you
Mary, please help me k*ll her.
It's out of the question.
Hey, I'm getting
another call here.
Hold on.
I'm fixing to hit you
What's up?
Hey, yeah, Fred's being really
a**l right now, but we'll
be there fairly soon.
All right.
Hey, I got to go.
But if you change your mind,
there will be a bunch of people
murdering each other
at 1637 Benton.
So... Bye.
Da-da-da-da-da
da-da-da-da-da da-da-da
So, she doesn't care either
way, but, at first, she wasn't
gonna k*ll me, but now
she's gonna k*ll me?
What the hell?
Dude, she was
always gonna k*ll you.
She just wanted you for herself,
and then she was like, "oh,
whatever," you know?
Fred, it's not you.
Get down!
Hey.
Go tell the girls it's time.
But we're gonna be here all
night, so don't get caught.
Where'd Mel go?
I know.
This is getting lame!
Dude, ease up.
They said blood drive outside...
party on the inside.
Who cares?
Let's just go out there.
No, I'm not gonna run around
like fricking A.C. Slater.
Dudes, the b*tches
aren't coming!
I
I went to the beach
the b*tch was so hot
she came to me and said
do you like the
beach, b*tch?
Sweet.
How do I look?
Were we supposed
to get dressed up?
Oh! Ugh!
Hello, ladies.
What's up?
You're all wearing
Dracula teeth.
No sh*t.
How do they stay in so good?
Same as yours, dickface.
Hey, come upstairs with me.
I got something I
want to show you.
Mm. I'd love to, but Carly's
already got dibs on you.
Is that gonna be a problem?
Oh, hells, no.
Come on.
Raise your hand if you want
to make out with a vampire.
Me, me, me.
Oh! Me, me, me.
Okay, check it out.
Look, you're gonna take
this girl right here.
Go upstairs and
make love to her.
Don't have sex... make love.
And, look, you, buddy, come on,
take this girl right here.
Um. No, you're a d*uche bag.
All right, I'll open the
window from upstairs.
Can you fly up there?
I may be king sh*t, but
I'm not super king sh*t.
I'll climb up.
All right.
Are we ready to do this?
Are you ready pound a stake through
the chest of your one true love?
Why you got to
say it like that?
Hey, hey, hey.
Tom's trying to get you in the
right frame of mind, okay?
We can't afford any
hesitations tonight.
We put in the hours to do this,
and then, like, you're...
you're upset, but take
it out on yours...
I'll do what needs to be done.
Well, let's hope no one
lands there now, I guess.
Oh!
Oh.
Say, Chris,
what's the big idea?
I hate being tripped.
Sorry, no girls inside tonight.
I saw kappa O girls
going in there.
Yeah, it's a kappa O/STD party.
Aren't they all?
Too bad you just died.
The b*tch said, "yeah"
the b*tch said, "yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah"
the b*tch said, "yeah"
the b*tch said, "yeah"
the b*tch said
oh, yeah
hell, yeah
damn, yeah
I went to the beach
Dude, Jared, I thought you said
there'd be plenty to go around.
Yeah, I did, and
there will be, bro.
Good, 'cause you totally
screwed me over.
No, listen.
I'm gonna take
care of you, okay?
I didn't even give
anything to myself.
That's how leader I am.
Where are they?
What? Oh, look at the d*uche
bags, all douched up
for the d*uche ball.
Where are the kappa Os?
Dude, they're gonna
get with all of us.
Yeah, and maybe if you guys
sit down and quit working on
your eagle project, you'll
get some action, too.
You guys are so stupid!
They're vampires, okay?
And they're gonna k*ll us!
Yeah, it's super hot, man.
Where's Kyle?
He's upstairs,
banging one right now.
No, don't go up there, dude.
You're salting his game!
What the hell is that?
It's a barricade, jackass.
Calling me high
on the telephone
came by plane all alone
All right, no one leaves until
every vampires is dead.
...tell it's not enough
come and...
Kyle, are you in there?
Open up!
Dude, I'm kind of busy.
Dude, she's gonna k*ll you!
You can be next.
Wait. That's jacked up.
Tom!
You knew my ideas when
they were in my head
they were my secret
evening plans
All right, aim for the heart
and use something heavy.
Dude, I don't care if you
don't want to get some, but
don't ruin it for the
rest of us, all right?
Dude, Tom, Kyle's up there
right now with one of them.
We got to go save him.
Hey, bro, just out of curiosity,
just let me know... are you g*y?
That doesn't change this, but just
let me know right now, all right?
Dude, I am gonna
punch your d*ck, okay?!
There are vampire girls in this
house, and they're gonna k*ll us!
If any of them come back down
before we're back, hold them
down and do what you have to do.
That's what I'm talking about!
Bam!
Wait. Wait, wait.
When should I take my pants off?
After I leave.
What?
Dude.
Mm.
Aah! Mnh!
Aah!
Kyle!
Oh, sh*t!
Dr. g!
Dr. g!
Dr. g!
Oh! Oh, okay, we're starting.
We're starting.
Hey, vampire skank...
Bet you can't catch me.
I bet I can.
Aah!
Better double-check.
Wait!
Bite me instead.
Why... 'cause your jugular
vein's easier to find?
What?
What do you want me to do?
Dude, just tell me what
you want me to do.
Aah!
Do it!
Oh!
Ohh!
Does it hurt?
Yeah.
Ohh.
It's official.
We're murderers.
You get used to it.
What?
Murderers.
Murders get used to it.
Dude, don't look at me that way.
She's my first k*ll... Promise.
So, how do you
preserve the blood?
You're a very
inquisitive young lady.
Well, I just think I might be
interested in running a blood
drive some day.
Mm.
I mean, they probably have to
pee, but I doubt they ever have
to take a dump, you know?
Hi, Fred.
Hi.
Um, hey, did you, uh, hear
that we're all just kind of
making out with different guys?
That's the word on the streets.
It's really too bad that
Chris called dibs on you.
I thought she didn't
care either way.
Well, I guess
it's just kissing.
I'll make out with you...
But it has to be on my bed.
Mm.
Back in town
Can I watch?
It's what we do.
I like to watch.
Okay, crazy-a*s.
Okay, well, just this way.
Blood goes... pfft!
Oh.
So, should we just
start making out?
Well, why don't you
lay down on the bed?
And I will get on top of you.
You've got this all
planned out, don't you?
We have a system, and it works.
I'm down.
If you want to make out,
you'd better come alone
totally senseless I'm
gonna drive you to
Straighten.
When I'm ready
to dance with you
Oh.
Dr. g?
What are you doing here?
Oh, um... Just... just
getting my frisbee.
Do you play ultimate?
No.
Ah, you know,
neither does Maggie.
She feels pretty bad about it.
Check this out.
See her?
Whoops-a-Daisy!
Whoa-oh!
Better double-check.
Looking good.
Hey, you guys, get a room, huh?
Hey, don't kiss his neck.
He's ticklish.
I wasn't going to.
Now!
Aah!
Dude, get off now.
Hey, side boob.
Where's Chris?
Aah! Geez!
We haven't seen her.
You scared me, Dr. g.
Later, b*tches.
Mom?
Uh-huh, I like it
uh-huh, I like it
Why do you hate me, God?!
Shh. Hey.
Hey, stupids.
I saw what you did
in the backyard.
Yeah, did you see what
we did to Samantha?
No. Did you see
what we did to Jared?
He's right there.
So, did you see him?
Come on over here
Get Fred. k*ll Tom.
Whoa.
Hickory. Damn it!
Come on, Tom.
It'll be a lot more fun
if you don't fight it.
I hope you know this
is an automatic flunk.
Who is it?
It's Chris.
Open the door.
Hold it.
There's a barricade.
Well, move it.
Uh-huh, I like it
uh-huh, I like it
Hyah!
Aah!
Uh-huh, I like it
uh-huh, I like it
uh-huh, I...
You're such a pervert
with your giant camera!
What?
You know, if it wasn't for
that, I probably would have
asked you to winter formal.
You would have?
Yeah. But now I'm going
to suck your blood.
Wait, wait, wait! Wait!
Don't you want to know
what I would have said?
What would you have said?
Hells no, biznatch!
Mnh!
Writhe it out.
Sorry.
I probably would have said yes.
Sorry, ladies.
Open it already!
Mrs. Keller?
Fred green, is that you?
What are you doing here?
Same thing as you.
You came to help m*rder Chris?
Yeah.
Oh, you found him.
They're easy pickings
at the discotheque
You dyed your hair.
Hey, look what Fred did.
Pull it out, h*-bag.
I wanted to show
you guys first.
And they never, ever check
Oh, cute.
You dyed your hair.
...that I leave
in the neck
well, if they were wise...
It's Chris' mom.
Come get some, b*tches.
Drac's back
I want to suck your
whoo
Dracula
Drac's back
Somebody throw me a stake!
Ah!
I want to suck your
whoo
Now!
Dracula
I'm gonna wait for you
on Saturday night
I'm gonna give your neck...
...a great, big bite
Come on, Fred! Do it!
Come on, stick it in her!
I give up. I give up.
I give up. I give up.
Wait.
She's lying.
I know, but I've
got a better idea.
I didn't want it to go to waste.
I want to suck your
whoo
Where's Tom?
Ohh!
Let it happen.
Whoo
Dracula
Drac's back
I want to suck your
whoo
She was in love with me.
They're not hung over, they're
just vampire who rest
He's dead, dude.
Damn it!
Guess who k*lled the nurse
lady and stole all the blood.
Chris.
Why would she do that?
She's a super vampire, and
she's gonna drink it all.
What for?
To turn all the
donors into vampires.
What a b*tch!
Mm, good... good b*tch.
We have to stop her, right?
Yeah.
Whoo
Dracula
Drac's back
You don't have
to do this, Mary.
I think I do.
Don't worry.
We will look back in a few
centuries, and we will laugh.
But right now, this is
really, really sad.
Well, let's just
get this over with.
Okeydokey.
Chris?
In here.
Chris, what are you doing?
Cutting this blood
with some monster.
Mmm.
Where did you get it?
Where do you think?
I saw you drive by
when I left the party.
Okay, Chris, we have to talk.
What do you want to talk about?
Why do you have all that blood?
I'm making vampires.
It's not rocket science.
Those people have lives.
Yeah, and now
they'll last forever.
Chris, you're a
really evil vampire.
No sh*t.
I love k*lling people, and I love
making other people k*ll people.
It's funny to me.
Oh, I'll slit my wrists.
This is the most boring conversation
I've ever had in my life.
I'm sorry, Chris.
This is all my fault.
Now!
Aah! Aah! Aah!
Tom?
Tom.
Tom.
Dr. g!
G, she's biting me.
Mary, the stake, now!
Mary, do it!
Push it through.
No, I can't.
What a chickenshit!
Ohh!
Oh!
Ah, good... good hit, Fred.
I'm so sorry, Chris.
It's okay.
I never would have k*lled you
if you weren't a vampire.
I know.
But I was gonna k*ll you... But
not before I gave you this.
I made you a mix for your iPod.
It's on that flash drive.
You were gonna give me
this and then k*ll me?
I was gonna flip a coin.
I'll listen to it when I jog.
Wayne...
you were the best I ever had.
Uh, thank you.
Thank you.
Mom.
Yeah, honey?
You're not a chickenshit.
Oh!
Unh.
I had a dream we k*lled Chris.
Holy sh*t, we k*lled Chris.
She made me a mix.
No, no.
Let's go check the fridge.
I'm... I'm not hungry.
Oh, maybe something light, like a
yogurt or something... Parfait.
Bye.
There's nothing in here
but blood and monster.
I guess I'll have a monster.
Hey, you want one?
Looks like we have to
k*ll some vampires.
How many?
That son of a g*n.
You think the
birds are pretty
and you sleep eight
hours a night
and I'm fog, out of the city,
and still you stake it all
and trains stop for you
and so do the boys
when you run your fingers
through your hair
but resistance is futile
and I am gonna
drink your blood
and I am gonna
drink your blood
and I am gonna
drink your blood
and I am gonna
drink your blood
just breathe
just breathe
and mouth "goodbye"
if you want, I'll
give you eternal life
well, not so much life, but
have you ever seen a good
zombie movie?
well, like that, but
you'll be smarter
and you'll stay 23
and I am gonna
drink your blood
and I just want to
drink your blood
and I am gonna
drink your blood
and I just want to
drink your blood
and I am gonna
drink your blood
and I am gonna
drink your blood
and I am gonna
drink your blood
and I am gonna
drink your blood
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Vamp U (2013)
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