Witchtrap (1989)

[bunniefuu]

Hello?

Yes, who should I say is calling?

Agnes, phone!

Take a message, I'm in the tub!

I couldn't move if my hair were on fire.

It's Devon Lauder.

Oh my God!

Ooh, nice outfit.

I'll be it's difficult to

find accessories, though.

Hardy har har.

Hello, um, Mr. Lauder?

Good evening, Dr. Goldberg.

I, uh, trust you read about

the accident last week.

Uh, yes, I'm, I'm sorry.

I assume the negative publicity...

will delay the inn's opening?

You assume correctly.

May I also assume that you're calling...

because you've reconsidered

my proposal?

Yes, assemble your team

as quickly as possible.

Hello, Whitney.

Agnes, I gave you my answer last night.

I can't accept it.

Try.

Whitney, you have a gift!

You mean a curse.

I mean, a gift!

And if you believe God gave it to you...

you must believe he wants you to use it.

Ooh, that's a cheap shot, Agnes...

especially coming from you.

Why, because I'm an atheist?

It scares me, you understand?

I can't control it.

But I can.

I hope so...

for everyone's sake.

Morning, Susan.

Good morning, Mr. Jackson.

Hey, Tony, what's up?

Oh, man, we gotta meet

Murphy downtown in 40 minutes.

You know, you're supposed

to iron your shirts...

at home before you put them on.

I haven't been home,

I've been here all night...

workin' on your department store case.

What for, it was obviously an inside job.

Just have all the employees

take a lie detector test.

No, I'm not convinced.

The alarm system was tampered with.

Oh, man, we're late, gotta go!

Ginger, I have a bad feeling about this one.

Don't worry about it, it'll be fine.

Good morning, everyone,

uh, my name is Devon Lauder...

thank you for appearing

on such short notice.

Dr. Goldberg informs me

that she's worked...

with many of you before, so, Doctor...

if you could briefly introduce your staff.

Certainly, this is my husband, Felix...

the best mental medium I've ever known.

Next to him is our video technician,

Ginger Kowolski...

and next to her is our physical medium,

Whitney O'Shea.

And, uh, these three gentlemen

I'm afraid I don't know.

I assume than that one

of you is Mr. Murphy.

Uh, yes, sir, Frank Murphy.

We spoke on the phone.

Certainly.

Uh, these are Tony Vincente and

Levi Jackson...

my best operatives.

His only operatives.

That makes us the best!

Fine, I realize a lot

of you have questions...

so allow me to give you a brief history.

Two years ago, my uncle Avery died...

and left me his home in Solano County.

It's a gothic mansion built in 1861...

which would be worth five

to six million dollars...

if it were surrounded by

prime vineyards.

Unfortunately, the adjoining property...

is a county-owned cemetery.

This, for me, makes the

house uninhabitable...

but a stipulation of my uncle's will...

forbids me from either

selling it or tearing it down.

If I attempt to do either...

the property will be donated to the county...

no doubt to add onto the cemetery.

Because of this, I've

tried renting the property...

out several times, but

no one's ever been able...

to stay longer than three nights.

They've all been driven away...

scared off by the ghost of my

uncle Avery.

Excuse me.

Yes?

Are we on Candid Camera?

Let the man finish, Vincente.

I realize it's hard to believe...

but I've been there.

I've heard those horrible...

ungodly shrieks and moans.

The house has remained

unoccupied ever since.

I had pretty much decided

to let the county have it...

when I read of a bed and

breakfast inn in New Orleans...

that claims to be haunted,

and because of this...

it's doing incredible business.

Suddenly, haunted houses

are the in thing.

This seemed like the perfect

solution to my problem...

so I quickly renovated Lauder House...

into a bed and breakfast.

Then, in order to publicize its opening...

I hired The Amazing Azimov

to spend the night in it.

The Amazing who?

I understand he was a fairly

popular Las Vegas magician.

Yes, correct, and with his death...

Lauder House has finally

lived up to its nickname...

Slaughter House.

His death, what are you saying...

you saying ghosts k*lled him?

He jumped from a

second story window, yes.

Because a ghost scared him.

That's what we believe, Mister, um.

Vincente.

Vincente, may I ask you a question?

Why are you here?

Why am I here?

Because I said so.

Because he said so.

Mr. Lauder, am I mistaken...

or did you agree that my team and I...

would photograph and exorcize

the Lauder House ghost?

Yes, but only if Mr.

Murphy and his associates...

go along to protect you.

What?

What?

I will not be responsible for another tragedy.

If I could afford to

just let Lauder House go...

and absorb the loss,

believe me, I'd do so...

but the restoration

was just too expensive.

I need to make this

bed and breakfast work.

But they'll only get in the way!

They know absolutely nothing

about psychic phenomenon!

They go with you...

or you don't go.

Dr. Goldberg, my men and I...

are professional security operatives...

and if there is something,

well, dangerous in that house...

then your three best chances of survival...

are sitting right here.

I love it when Murphy

talks like a detective novel.

Yeah, Sam Spade lives.

Never say spade to a brother.

Sorry, all the ghost talk

must have me spooked.

Very funny, hey did you see

that butt on that video tech?

I think I'm in love.

You love anything in a skirt.

Hey, man, I got a bad

feeling about this case.

Don't tell me you're afraid of ghosts!

I'm afraid of anything that

makes a man...

jump out of a window and k*ll himself.

I wouldn't drink that if I were you.

What?

Your beer, it's as flat

as my ex-wife's chest.

Let me get you another one.

We'll take two more, please.

What're you doin' here, Murphy?

Lookin' for you.

I got it.

Tony, we have to talk, it's important.

Well, it must be, Murphy.

I mean, buying me beer,

calling me Tony.

How'd you find me here anyway?

Jackson told me.

Thank you, Levi.

What else did he tell you?

Well, that you're not planning...

on going to the Lauder House with us.

So, what do you care?

You like me even less than I like you...

and I like you less than

I like trench mouth.

Maybe so, but we need each other.

Speak for yourself, pal, I like girls.

You don't like anyone,

not even yourself.

Just remember, I take sh*t from you...

only as long as you're worth it.

You put up with me because,

Q.T. was the only firm...

that would hire you as a detective...

after you left the force.

Detective?

Come on, Murphy, who the hell

are you kiddin'?

You're goin' up there to take on Casper

the f*ck' Ghost...

you don't need a detective.

You need Bill Murray for Christ's sake!

So that's what this is all about!

You don't like the case?

No, this is not a case.

This is a joke.

Look, you want us to go up there...

and babysit this grade A

group of chuckleheads...

while they sit around in a circle...

hold hands, and talk to dead people!

What makes you so sure

they're chuckleheads?

Maybe this house really is haunted.

Yeah, well, yeah, and maybe your parents...

aren't really first cousins either, Murph...

but I wouldn't lay odds on it, 'cause see...

if you're not a direct product of inbreeding...

than there really is a God...

and he's got a personal grudge

against you.

One of these days,

you're gonna go too far...

and then, I'm gonna

take you down a peg.

Yeah, fascinating.

Look, this is the bottom line.

Devon Lauder is offering us

an incredible amount of money...

to babysit these chuckleheads,

as you put it...

so that's what we're gonna do.

What is this we, white man?

He's offering you an incredible

amount of money.

Me, I go home with the same paycheck

every week...

no matter who the client is.

So, if you don't mind, Murph...

just count me out on this one, all right?

Well, I don't wanna count you out.

Look, you and Levi can handle

this just fine without me.

f*ck Levi, he's gonna spend all weekend...

tryin' to get in that video technican's pants!

That's bullshit and you know it.

He may be a walkin' hard-on with feet...

but he's a good detective,

he does his job well.

Well, nevertheless, I want

you there in the morning...

and so does Devon Lauder.

He, uh, asked for you specifically.

h*-h*, so that's it, I don't go...

you don't get your

incredible amount of money!

And you won't have a job...

'cause if ya f*ck this up, I will fire you!

Count on it!

Well, that'll take me down a peg, won't it?

I'll fire your buddy Levi, too.

You are so full of sh*t, Murphy...

you're not gonna fire a good detective...

just to get even with me.

Detectives like Jackson

are a dime a dozen!

I only kept him around because, well...

he was the only person

you seem to get along with.

But if you go, he goes.

You're serious.

Goddammit, I gotta hand it to ya, Murphy,

I'm impressed.

I always knew you were a scumbag,

but I never knew...

how scummy a bag you could be.

Well, it's a dog eat dog world, my friend.

You gotta play hardball if you wanna...

beat the rats at the rat race.

How do you think I got to be the head

of Q.T. Security?

Suckin' the boss's d*ck?

Just be there in the morning...

bright and early, or you and Jackson...

can keep each other company

on the unemployment line.

Say hi to the other weasels for me, will ya?

It's OK, he's had his shots.

Man, look at this place.

I wonder how much a place like this costs?

Your very soul!

Man, I told you to knock that sh*t off!

It ain't funny, man!

I don't like this, I can feel the evil

in this house.

Yes, so can I.

Me, too.

Aw, get a grip, Jackson.

He's right, boss, we're not alone.

What are you talkin' about?

What is it?

Cremation urn.

Somebody's home.

Oh, man, this is bullshit!

Mr. Vincente, if you're finished

showboating...

please, put it back.

Somebody we know?

Avery Lauder, it was another

stipulation of his will...

that he be cremated and placed here

in his home.

Mr. Lauder was quite a character,

wasn't he?

Well, it would appear he's not the only one.

If there are no objections...

I suggest we have our first sitting right now.

I'm gonna need some

help with the equipment.

Uh, Vincente?

I'll get it.

Uh, Vincente, you check the upstairs doors

and windows

and I'll check the downstairs...

and make sure everything's secure.

Wait.

There's something behind those curtains.

Yeah, probably a window or something.

I'm serious.

These are filthy, these are absolutely filthy.

Let's go get the gear.

Who the f*ck are you?

I'm Elwin...

the groundskeeper.

The groundskeeper?

Yes, I'm afraid I forgot to mention him.

He was Avery Lauder's stage assistant.

Stage assistant, what...

this Lauder was an actor or something?

Hardly, he was a very famous psychic

and illusionist.

Wait a minute, wait a minute,

this rings a bell.

Wasn't this guy a serial k*ller?

Oh, yeah, the Venue Slasher.

That was an unproven rumor.

No, no, no, no, it was a lot more

than a rumor.

He was a prime suspect,

as a matter of fact...

they were just about to arrest

him when he turned up dead.

That's right, and they found him

in this house...

with his heart cut out.

Now why wasn't I informed of any of this?

You didn't ask.

He never does, except how much.

Now, I resent that, Vincente.

I resent your mother for taking drugs...

when she was pregnant.

Is there anything else

you've forgotten to tell us?

No, that's it.

Yeah, sure, I'll be back in 15.

Uh, would you mind if I went along?

I'd like to see the rest of the house.

Sure, come on.

Elwin, will you take everyone's bags...

up to their rooms, please?

Yes, ma'am.

We might as well get the gear, too.

Might as well.

Mr. Murphy...

do you always allow your subordinates...

to address you with such total disrespect?

No, but Vincente's

never been able to keep...

any of his opinions to himself.

Then why do you put up with him?

Is he married to your sister

or do you merely have...

a soft spot for ill-mannered troglodytes?

You ever heard of the Thomas Knox case?

The, uh, TV actor and his family...

who were m*rder*d in L.A.

Right, triple homicide.

It was on the books for 20 years.

Every cop on the force took a shot at it...

but no one could solve it...

and then some rookie,

fresh out of the academy...

cracked it in two months.

Mr. Vincente.

Yup, I get 90 percent of my business...

because Tony Vincente's on my payroll.

If he is such a master sleuth...

why isn't he still a member of LA's finest?

'Cause they didn't like

his smart mouth either.

Well, I suppose it's none of my business...

but if I were you, I would fire Mr. Vincente...

in spite of his reputation.

Oh, well, I think you may be right, Doctor.

It's none of your business.

Felix, did you hear that?

Are you gonna just stand there...

and let him talk to me like that?

Well, dear, the man does carry a g*n.

So what do you videotape

with all this stuff?

Ghosts, if they show up.

You're shittin' me!

No, really, even though

you can't see them...

with the naked eye,

sometimes the camera...

will pick them up and put them on tape.

Well, scratch my a*s.

Not until I know you better.

This is weird.

Not really.

A lot of these old houses...

had private chapels in the attic.

With an inverted cross?

Son of a b*tch.

Mr. Vincente, are you a religious man?

Oh, I'm sorry, I never discuss religion...

on any day with a y in it.

I didn't mean to pry, it's just...

that I'm very religious and well...

Miss O'Shea...

why don't you just say

what you followed me up here to say.

Avery Lauder was more

than just a psychic.

He was an extremely powerful warlock.

You mean a witch?

Yes.

The police found his body on this very altar.

His chest carved open,

burning candles everywhere.

Neither his k*ller nor

his heart were ever found.

You know, San Francisco's close by...

maybe he left it there.

Sure, make stupid jokes...

but I believe the police interrupted

a satanic ritual...

that would have given

Avery Lauder immortality...

if he'd had the time to complete it.

I don't mean to be rude, Miss O'Shea...

but I think I'm due back on Earth.

You said you wanted the complete history

of Lauder House.

I just thought you should get it...

because Agnes certainly won't tell you.

Why's that?

Because Agnes doesn't believe...

and if she doesn't believe,

then it doesn't exist.

She has no idea

of what a ghost really is.

And what is that?

The very soul of someone

who has lived and died.

If he was evil, his soul is evil.

If he was powerful,

his soul is powerful.

Avery Lauder was both, and as long as

we're in his house...

we're all in very grave danger.

All right, it's working.

All secure?

- Here, Whitney, place this in your lap.

I'm addressing myself to the spirit

of Avery Lauder.

If you're here,

I wish to speak to you.

I'm not getting anything.

Neither am I.

Nothing here either.

Avery Lauder, I know you're here.

The man sitting next to me

is a mental medium.

You may speak through him.

Who are you?

I am here to free you from this house.

I do not wish to be freed.

Then I will force you.

You are not strong enough.

I believe I am.

I will rise like the phoenix...

and destroy you, all of you!

And how will you do that?

All you've ever managed to do...

for the last two years is make noise.

I'm not some silly magician...

who can be scared into k*lling myself.

You would mock Avery Lauder?

I would give you a chance to prove

your words.

The woman sitting across from you...

is a physical medium.

Through her, you can show us

the extent of your power.

Perhaps later.

Why not now?

Later.

Are you afraid?

Oh, no...

but you will be.

- Felix, Felix, what's...

what's wrong?

Help him!

Get ahold of his legs!

Hold him!

I'll get his legs, man.

Hold him down.

ls he all right?

He's still alive.

Thank goodness you're safe!

How do you feel?

Fine...

but who's been using my head

as a basketball?

Dr. Goldberg, if you have no objections...

maybe we should take this opportunity

to unpack.

Yes, all right...

but I want everyone back down here...

in an hour to try again.

Uh, Jackson, why don't you...

take a quick look at the grounds.

What for, you and Tony already checked...

all the windows and doors.

Humor me.

Oh, no wonder my mouth

tastes like leather.

Sorry about the drool.

It's waterproof.

Oh.

Um, Mr. Vincente?

Your quick thinking saved my husband...

from injuring himself.

Yes, it did.

And, um, I was pretty useless.

Yes, you were.

You're not gonna make this easy on me,

are you?

Mm, no, I'm not.

I, uh, just wanna say thank you.

You're welcome.

Now, if you two are quite finished...

I'd like to explore the basement.

Why?

Something down there is very important

to our Mr. Lauder.

I, I sensed it while he was speaking

through me.

So let's go check out the basement.

Hey, fool!

Don't you know you can go blind

doin' that?

Wish I knew what we were lookin' for.

Don't worry, we'll know it when we find it.

Can I ask you a question?

That box, with the green light on it...

what was that?

An invention of mine.

You see, Whitney is a physical medium.

As opposed to your husband

who's a mental medium.

Yes, Felix is like an intercom...

allowing ghosts to

actually speak through him.

Whitney, on the other hand,

is like a doorway.

A spirit may actually pass through her...

and physically manifest his presence

here in our world...

usually by moving inanimate objects.

Couldn't that be dangerous?

Without my invention, yes.

All living things have an aura

of electromagnetic energy...

and when we die,

this energy usually dissipates...

into the atmosphere, but sometimes...

it remains intact and here on Earth...

and then, you have a ghost.

So this is some sort of, uh...

an electromagnetic vacuum type...

Exactly, and that's why I gave it to Whitney.

If Lauder's ghost had tried

to pass through her...

the vacuum would have

trapped him immediately.

Then what?

Then I would have removed him...

from this house and dissipated him.

Eh, I don't know about this, Doc.

I haven't had this much trouble

swallowing something...

since my mom fed me okra.

I found it!

For some reason,

this pentagram was very important...

to Mr. Lauder's ghost.

Even now, I, I can actually sense its evil.

I don't f*ck' believe this!

Huh?

Now, what happened here?

A breeze, maybe.

A breeze, all the doors and windows...

should be locked up!

Yeah, they should be.

Are you saying I missed one?

I'm not sayin' anything.

The hell you're not!

Lemme tell you somethin', hot shot...

I didn't miss a thing.

Yeah, except maybe the

last stage of evolution.

Don't push me, Vincente.

Whitney, are you all right?

I don't know, I feel really drained

for some reason.

Maybe you should sit down.

ls everybody all right?

Yeah, what the hell happened to you?

I caught that groundskeeper spying

on one of the women...

and the son of a b*tch jumped me!

Elwin?

Yeah, where's Ginger?

Takin' a shower.

Go!

Oh!

Aw, Jesus.

That m*therf*cker, I'll k*ll him!

Keep them outta here.

It's gonna be OK, man.

We'll get him, I promise.

Come on.

What happened to Ginger?

She's dead, stabbed through the throat.

Oh my God!

I, I'm calling the police.

Good idea.

Oh, maybe not.

It's dead!

It's dead all right.

That son of a b*tch cut the line!

OK, that's it, party's over.

Murphy, I suggest we pack it up...

and get the hell outta here now!

Wait a minute, let's not panic...

there's no reason for all of us to leave.

You wanna reason?

Take a look in there, lady!

I believe that Mr. Murphy...

is in charge of security, not you.

Mr. Murphy, couldn't we stay

while one of your men

goes for the police, after all...

the groundskeeper is probably

miles away by now.

I don't think any of us

are in any real danger, do you?

A-Agnes, maybe Mr. Vincente is right.

Felix, please!

So, Mr. Murphy, do we stay...

or do I tell Mr. Lauter

that we were forced to quit...

because of inadequate security?

No, that won't be necessary.

Jackson, you're going for the police.

Jesus Christ, Murphy!

How do you manage to stand upright

without a backbone?

Vincente, shut up!

I'm not goin' anywhere.

I'm gonna find that overgrown ab*rtion...

and give him a .38 caliber enema!

You're gonna do what I say...

or I'm gonna kick your black a*s

down those stairs!

Try it and I'll tap dance across your face...

like Bojangles Robinson!

Hey, spare me the macho bullshit for now!

You're gonna have to go for the cops.

Now, hurry back.

You, you're a real neanderfuck,

you know that?

I'm gonna go down and check

the rest of the locks.

I think we should try another sitting.

Well, I think you should all

lock yourselves...

in your rooms until Jackson

gets back with the cops.

Look, it's important that we try...

Like you said, I'm in charge of security.

sh*t!

What the f*ck?

Son of a b*tch!

Miss O'Shea?

Miss O'Shea?

Are you all right?

Miss O'Shea?

What?

Are you OK?

Oh, yeah.

No, oh, I don't know.

I feel so strange.

Maybe you should go lie down for a while.

Yeah.

Oh, first, I need to check

the video equipment...

to see if we've gotten

anything strange on tape yet.

Like what, reruns of My Mother the Car?

Mr. Vincente, I know you do not share

my beliefs...

but is that any reason for you

to be so insensitive to them?

Insensitive, me?

Nah, I'll have you know I cried

like a weenie...

when Bambi's mother was k*lled.

I'm sick about it.

Do you honestly find me that amusing...

or have I done something to offend you?

No, I'm sorry.

It's just that I have a real hard time

believing...

in two super-beings eternally struggling...

for man's immortal soul, come on!

Doesn't it sound like a premise

of a bad comic book to you?

I'm a detective, I deal in fact and reason.

Nevertheless, there are two very real...

very strong forces in the universe...

one good, one evil, constantly

at odds with one another...

on a much higher plane

of existence than ours.

God does exist and so does Satan...

and Avery Lauder is one of his minions.

How can you be so sure?

Because I've seen it.

Seen what, this higher plane of yours?

When I was nine, my parents

took me to the beach.

I couldn't swim, so I just went wading...

but I got caught in the undertow...

and before I knew what was happening...

it sucked me under.

As the saltwater quickly

enveloped the world around me...

I sank into a dark, peaceful cocoon.

I was drowning but I wasn't frightened...

and then high above me, I saw a bright,

white light

shining down on me,

as if from the far end...

of a long, long tunnel.

I looked down and below me...

was a vacant, bottomless pit...

and I knew I was standing

on the threshold...

between heaven and hell.

When I regained consciousness...

I was in a hospital bed...

and I had gained psychic abilities.

And that's how I can be so sure.

You're not gonna believe this...

but when I was on the force...

I had a partner who had

the very same vision.

He described it to me

exactly as you did...

then fell off his bar stool

and threw up all over my shoes.

This is all just one big joke to you,

isn't it?

No, no it isn't.

You see, Miss O'Shea, I've had

to listen to people like you...

talk about God all my life.

You claim he's the supreme being...

that's watching over all of us...

but then you let him off the hook...

by blaming all the horrors

of the world on the devil.

I don't buy it.

I spent seven years on the street.

I've seen abused children,

I've seen r*pe victims...

I've seen a 12-year-old hooker

with a $200 a day habit...

and you tell me

there's evil in the world...

I say yeah, there is.

I've seen it, but darling...

it wasn't wearing horns and a tail.

As for God, ghosts, and the rest...

of that spiritual mumbo-jumbo, well...

I believe in that as much as I believe in...

the Easter Bunny, Santa Claus,

and honest politicians.

I feel very sorry for you, Mr. Vincente.

I'm afraid you're doomed

like everyone else in this house.

Oh, why's that?

Because you can't

fight against something...

if you don't believe it exists...

and neither can your two partners.

Oh, what about your two partners?

Agnes and Felix,

they think Lauder's ghost...

is some kind of mass of energy...

that they can switch on and off

like some kind of light.

No, I'm afraid they're doomed also...

unless we all leave this house right now.

That's the first thing you've said

that made any sense.

Unfortunately, the rest of our

little group wants to stay...

so I suggest you go up to your room...

you wait there, and let me finish

securing the house.

You can come down and check...

the rest of your video equipment later.

All right?

OK?

All right.

Thank you.

Indulging in a quiet moment

of introspection...

or just, uh, looking for blemishes?

I was just wondering.

Wondering about what?

Why would Elwin k*ll Ginger?

I don't know.

She was naked in the shower...

maybe he r*ped her first.

Probably so, it just seems so senseless.

Name me a k*lling that isn't senseless.

I suppose, but it has more of an impact...

when it's someone you know personally.

We didn't really know Ginger all that well,

dear.

We only worked with her that one time...

at the Stonedy Mansion.

I know, but I can't help but feel responsible.

After all, we did bring her here.

We brought all of them here.

And they're all consenting adults

over the age of 21.

We didn't put a g*n to any

of their heads!

What about Whitney, are you saying...

you didn't put a g*n to her head?

Whitney is a big girl, Felix.

She didn't have to come

if she didn't want to.

Yes, she did, she felt obligated.

You made sure of that.

Felix, have you forgotten what it is...

we're trying to accomplish here?

No, of course not.

Then what is bothering you?

My God, Agnes, are you so blind

with ambition...

that you can't see that

you're willing to sacrifice...

anything or anyone in order

to get what you want?

No, of course not,

don't be ridiculous!

Then why did you insist on staying here...

when you knew that

there's a very good chance...

that that maniac Elwin is still

out there somewhere?

You know why, because this haunting...

is the most important we've ever had,

and if we left...

we might never have gotten

a chance to return!

Think about it, Felix,

we could be making history here!

But at what cost, Agnes?

We've already lost one of our team!

And it has absolutely nothing to do

with this haunting.

It was tragic, yes...

but it doesn't affect

what we're doing here.

Doesn't affect what we're doing here?

Agnes, that girl is dead,

and it's our fault!

No, it isn't!

Well, it, it will be if somebody else

gets k*lled.

No one else is going to get k*lled.

You, me, and Whitney are all locked

safely in our rooms.

Mr. Murphy is right next door.

Mr. Vincente is securing

this house even as we speak.

They're both trained professionals...

well-armed and well-equipped

to deal with the situation.

Are you honestly that convinced

of our safety?

Or is it you just don't give a damn?

Felix!

This is my one chance to finally see...

the culmination of nine years work!

My one chance to capture

the physical evidence...

to prove my theory about ghosts!

Do you have any idea

what this could mean to us?

The respect, the prestige...

not to mention the hundreds

of thousands of dollars...

in research grants and private donations?

It could even mean a, a chair at one...

of the better universities, or a position...

with a governmental parapsychology

research department!

Or maybe even a guest

appearance on The Tonight Show.

Felix...

either you're with me or against me.

Which is it?

Well, darling, of course I with you.

You're my wife.

Good, then as soon as

Mr. Vincente has finished...

securing the house,

we'll have another sitting...

and do what we came to do.

With any luck, we'll be finished

before Mr. Jackson...

even gets back with the police.

I pray to God you're right.

I am.

Now, come back to bed

and finish your book.

You'll see, we're all perfectly safe.

Did you hear that?

No, I didn't hear anything.

I'm gonna go check on Whitney.

Whitney, are you asleep?

Oh, God, Whitney!

Whitney, wake up!

Whitney, snap out of it!

Oh no, oh no.

What happened?

Lauder's ghost tried to pass

through Whitney.

I told you, I couldn't control it!

It's all right, we caught it before

anything happened.

Did we?

You can't stop him!

He'll rise from the ashes

like the phoenix and destroy you!

Ya, ever heard of mouthwash,

you big, ugly f*ck!

Mr. Murphy, Mr. Murphy!

Oh, God!

Oh my God, man, what,

what happened to you?

Looks like our friend Elwin...

isn't miles away from here after all.

Where's Murphy?

He's dead.

What, are you sure?

Lauder's ghost tricked me.

He came through Whitney

when she was alone in her room.

What are you tellin' me,

the ghost k*lled him?

Yes, and probably Ginger, too!

We have to get out of this house

right now!

Gee, why didn't I think of that?

I want all of you to stay put until I get back.

It's OK, it's OK.

Over here.

Murphy wasn't k*lled by any ghost.

He was shot, probably by our pal, Elwin.

Here, wait here, I'll get the van.

Mr. Vincente, Mr. Vincente,

are you all right?

Oh, oh God!

Oh, Felix, Felix!

You're wounded!

Yeah, I know.

Is it bad?

He's not gonna be doing any sit-ups

for awhile...

but he'll live.

We've gotta get him to a doctor!

That loud bang you just heard...

that was the sound of our bus

leavin' without us.

The sun's gone down.

Your husband's in no condition to travel...

and I still got the hunchback

of Lauder House...

runnin' around out there!

I've gotta get out of here!

Now, don't panic!

We're safe here, we're just gonna

sit tight...

until Levi gets back with the cops.

You don't understand!

Avery Lauder is trying to complete

the immortality ritual...

that was interrupted two years ago...

and he needs a physical medium to do it.

You are not safe as long

as I am in this house!

Fine.

It's OK, Felix,

we'll get you to a hospital,

I promise, I promise!

Here, as long as you got that,

you're safe.

This has never actually

been tested before!

What?

Is that true?

That's why this haunting was

so important to me!

If my vacuum works...

it'll be the most

important accomplishment...

in the history of parapsychology!

And if it doesn't,

we're all ghost-toasties, right?

Mr. Vincente, the urn is gone.

What?

The urn with Avery Lauder's ashes,

it's missing.

Elwin must have taken it.

So what?

It's necessary for Avery Lauder's

reincarnation.

His soul must be physically

reunited with his remains.

You're all in danger

unless I leave right now!

Whitney, that is a lot

of religious mumbo-jumbo.

Look, Doctor, up until now...

it's been your show and you blew it...

so I say we give the

religious mumbo-jumbo a shot...

'cause I gotta tell ya, Doc, right now...

I'm willing to swing a dead chicken

over my head...

and howl at the f*ck' moon!

So how do we stop this reincarnation

thing from happening?

It's only a legend!

How?

Supposedly, if you find

Lauder's missing heart...

and rejoin it with the rest of his remains...

then the soul will finally be laid to rest.

OK, I got a good idea

where the heart is.

We just gotta find the urn.

Where's Whitney?

What?

Oh, sh*t!

All right,

I'm gonna go after her.

Elwin shows up, you give him

a lobotomy with this.

You understand,

you know how to use it?

I pull this little thingy here...

and the b*llet comes out here.

You can always throw it at him.

Agnes, I, I think

we should try another sitting.

What?

Maybe you can trick Lauder's ghost...

into telling you where the urn is...

and even if you can't,

I may be able to get a feeling for it...

while he's speaking through me.

No, Felix, I'm frightened!

So am I, but I don't see that

we have any other choice.

Whitney!

Whitney!

Whitney!

Shh, Shh, Shh!

It's OK, Shh!

Come on, this way.

So, do you still feel strong enough

to defeat me?

Yes, because now I know

where your heart is.

In the wall of the basement

behind the pentagram.

Very good...

but you have discovered my secret

too late.

Where is the urn with your ashes?

You cannot prevent what is meant to be.

You're already beaten, Lauder.

The physical medium

has left the grounds...

and you're powerless without her!

What, no!

That's impossible, you lie!

And the mental medium

you now speak through...

will know where your ashes are...

just as he knew where your heart was!

No, no, no!

Yes, yes, and he'll tell me...

and I'll finally destroy you,

you unholy son of a b*tch!

No, the medium will tell you nothing!

Nothing!

- Felix!

Felix, Felix!

Oh, sh*t, what's the car doing here?

Oh, God!

That son of a b*tch, Elwin!

I'll blow his f*ck' brains out!

Don't you understand?

Elwin didn't do this, Avery Lauder did!

Either way, Levi's just as dead!

Look, it's up to you now.

You have to go for the police!

No, come with me.

I can't, I can't leave the Doctor

and her husband alone...

and he's in no condition to travel!

Please, you have to go alone.

OK, OK, you're right.

I'll hurry back.

Good girl, get in the car.

I'll get the gate.

sh*t.

Get the hell outta here!

OK.

Hey!

It's all right,

it's all right, he's dead.

Say good night, Gracie.

You OK?

He was spawn of the devil!

He was a tough m*therf*cker,

I'll give you that.

Believe what you want,

but I know he was a demon.

Whatever he was,

he's lunch meat now.

Get the hell outta here!

Dr. Goldberg, are you all right?

He's dead, Felix is dead.

Yeah, well, there's been a lot of that...

goin' around lately.

C'mon, we gotta get the hell outta here.

No, that b*stard m*rder*d my husband...

and I am not leaving until I destroy him!

Great, suddenly she's Conehead.

Uh-uh, wait, I'll trade you.

You didn't have to bring this, you know.

We're not in any danger anymore.

With Whitney gone,

Lauder's ghost can no longer...

physically manifest itself in our world.

I just watched our friend Elwin...

take more lead than a number two pencil...

so you'll excuse me if I play it safe.

OK, Lauder, you son of a b*tch!

I gotcha now!

That's it, Avery Lauder's heart.

Shh.

Oh, thank God!

sh*t!

O'Shea, what are you doin' here?

Did you bring the cops?

Oh, my God,

it was all just an illusion!

Lauder tricked me,

I never even left the grounds!

Give her the vacuum.

It's too late,

Lauder's ghost is coming through!

What do we do?

I don't know!

You're supposed to be the expert!

Look out!

No!

What happened, is it over?

Yeah, I trapped him in this.

Looks like Dr. Goldberg

was right after all, huh?

No, it's not gonna hold him.

What?

I can feel him in there,

struggling to get out.

It's not gonna hold him,

he is too powerful.

All right, that's it.

We're gettin' the hell outta here!

No, there's not enough time!

We have got to destroy him...

by rejoining his heart with his ashes.

All right, all right.

Look, here's the heart,

I don't know where the urn is.

We have to find it fast!

I know that, it could be anywhere!

Well, you're the detective, think!

I thinking, I'm thinking!

OK, if I were an urn full of ashes,

where would I be?

All right.

The chapel.

It's not here.

What, am I holding a white cane,

I can see it's not here, what now?

I don't know.

God, this has been a lousy day!

Whitney, Whitney!

Miss O'Shea?

Miss O'Shea?

Miss O'Shea?

Miss O'Shea?

Wh-Whitney?

Whitney?

What did you do with Whitney?

It's ended, I've won.

Yeah, here's your trophy, as*h*le!

You'll have to do much better than that,

Mr. Vincente.

I'm open to suggestions.

I'm going to enjoy k*lling you...

much more than the others,

Mr. Vincente...

and then I'm going to eat your soul...

just as I ate my own ashes!

Eat this!

You can't k*ll me, I'm immortal.

I have no heart.

OK, I'm a believer.

Mr. Vincente...

you're still alive!

I'm glad you think so.

I'm not so sure what I believe anymore.

Vincente Detective Agency.

Yes, are you the people...

who worked that haunted house?

No, I'm sorry, you must have

the wrong number.

ls this Tony Vincente?

Yes, this is Tony Vincente.

No, I don't do haunted houses.

Well, I was just reading an article...

I do unfaithful wives, runaway husbands...

every now and then,

I'll get a cat out of a tree...

if I can get a clear shot

at his lil' tabby a*s.

Well, the article in the New York Times...

distinctly said you had done...

I don't care what the article said, lady.

I don't do haunted houses.

This just must be a joke, then.

No, I don't think it's a joke...

and I don't think you got a ghost

in your house, either.

It's probably just faulty wiring.

Well, how can you be so sure of that?

How can I be so sure?

Because if you had a ghost, lady...

you wouldn't have to ask me.

ls that right.

It's not something you forget.

Believe me, I've tried.

It just kinda stays with you

for the rest of your life.

Listen, Vincente,

I don't care much for your attitude.

Yeah, well, I don't care too much

for my attitude, either...

but I'm kinda stuck with it.

Just take a plane and leave, mister.

Yeah, same to you,

and the broom you rode in on!