Eating Miss Campbell (2022)

[bunniefuu]

There are moments in

life, you never truly forget.

Like your first school m*ssacre.

Your first demonic possession...

or your first suicide attempt.

My name is Beth Connor,

and for the past 17 years.

My life has gone straight to video..

Figuratively and literally.

I know what you're thinking.

Teenage suicide is such a cliche in horror.

They say that life is one great big movie.

But no matter what I do, I

can't seem to pick my genre.

I've tried everything.

Self mutilation.

Poisoning.

And even hanging.

And I still end up in another horror movie.

I think the only way to erase

your existence in this genre

is by blowing your f*cking brains out!

Well, Bottoms Up for a romantic comedy.

And don't worry. It's vegan milk.

No animals were harmed in

ones self-righteous suicide.

You know, I always imagined

date r*pe pills tasted like candy.

Not like a*s!

I mean, what's the

incentive to even take them?

Well, remember kids, it's

down the road not across the street!

Well, I guess I'm stuck

in another horror movie.

With 30 somethings

portraying high school students.

Nonsensical-violence and

edgy social commentary.

God, I hate low budget movies.

You know, what I wouldn't

give for a happy ending?

And by happy ending, I mean...

Let's sh**t this straight to

DVD piece of sh*t already!

f*ck you!

S.A.S.S. by Hands off Gretel

"Do You Dare" by Die So Fluid

I'm sorry, Dad never visits mum.

You know, they say I get my looks from you.

And I'm trying to abide by the mantra: live fast,

die young and leave a good-looking corpse behind.

You know, just like Diana...

The Princess of Wales.

God, please prick my arm with heroin and blow my

f*cking brains out like the patron Saint Kurt Cobain

Beth! Beth Conner!

Never mind.

Yoohoo!

Beth!

f*ck I'm coming!

Beth! Sport! We got here just in the

nick of time. You forgot your packed-lunch!

So you followed me all

the way from our house?

And another nutritious lunch,

I'm sure! I'm vegan, remember!

And let's not forget, your

18th birthday is next week.

I'd hate to break it to you, but you are a

lousy stepmom substitute... Frankie Sullivan.

Beth Conner. We've been through this.

Mommy Conner is dead and buried

#nostalgia is cancer!

#don't make me stick those 17 characters up your...

- Ladies!

Beth, please.

Take your lunch.

Must we ask twice?

I don't know Dad? How about we grab a couple

of shovels and get a fourth opinion!?

Have a splendid day at school, sport!

DTH FLG by The Black Halos

Well, welcome to purgatory...

Every student deserves to experience a school

m*ssacre, at least once in their lives.

It's a right of passage. Why

deny them of their God-given right?

I didn't ask you Nancy, I asked him!

TUSK!

Let's talk about the

tragedies of 1999, shall we?

NATO bombed Yugoslavia, Clinton was acquitted

in the senate, Family Guy premiered on FOX...

and, Henenlotter High experienced

it's first school m*ssacre.

Resulting in loss of revenue and the

closure of this very academic institution.

Meanwhile back in America.

We not only survived, but

thrived. Making Columbine...

A household name.

Look at it this way! The school board no

longer has to worry about - lack of funding!

On-demand streaming channels will pay a handsome

seven figures for an .. 'academic faux-pas'

Like, I don't know!?

Gee-wizz. A school sh**ting!?

And of course before any student gets trigger happy at our proposal, we of

course need to make sure all the correct sponsorship and marketing are in place.

After all, controversy creates cash.

Mark my words Everbone, I'll do

everything and anything in my power

to prevent another tragedy

happening here at Henenlotter High.

Why don't we introduce the brand spanking

new headmaster of Henenlotter High?

A new headmaster!?

Remember the "Reams for Less m*ssacre"!?

When Henenlotter High alum Peltzer Arbuckle summoned his

imaginary friend Ronnie to sh**t up the school, back in 1999?

The British school board did nothing.

And then 15 years later. The duo returned

to assassinate a stationary company in

the infamously-titled

"Reams for Less m*ssacre".

And still, the people of

Henenlotter did nothing.

Except for one.

Marcus, Henenlotter High has hired the one American

who put a stop to that Drop-dead-Fred bullshit.

Please, everyone, welcome the

new headmaster of Henenlotter High!

Allow me to re-introduce myself...

My name is Mr Sawyer.

And Marcus, I hear you're the best.

In fact, I hear that

you're the best... by par!

I am having so much fun!

Students!

Greetings and salutations Beth Conner!

Tell me, do goth vegans masturbate

with cucumbers or crucifixes these days?

Give me a f*cking break

Mr Auteur Filmmaker.

The power of the pickle compels you!

That's Ethan Rembrandt,

Henenlotter High's resident date r*pist.

And the brother of the late

narcissistic dickhead Stiles Rembrandt.

And you know what they say?

Like brother, like date r*pist!

Everyone knows the token goth girl is a

school m*ssacre cliche waiting to happen!

All you need is a trench

coat, and hey presto!

You could be the premature

love child of Harris and Klebold!

Why subvert the expectation?

Trench coats are so 1999.

Didn't you get the memo?

#nostalgia is cancer.

Anyway, please allow me to introduce...

Please give a warm welcome, and

put your hands together for Mr Sawyer!

Wahhh!

Woah!! Yes, sir.

Ooh.. Thank you so

much for that introduction.

Come on people, give it up

for Clyde, my number one guy!

Yes, sir!

Good morning Henenlotter Hamsters

Now I'd like to speak to you

all regarding a very, very...

controversial subject.

Now...

No, you didn't.

f*ck!

f*ck, f*ck, m*therf*cker!

Well, that's one way to deal with unruly

students dressed up as former presidents.

And let us return to the American precept that every

individual is accountable for his own actions.

I love it when you quote Ronnie

Reagan. It makes me so moist...

Naturally.

Whoopsie f*cking daisy!

WHOOPSIE f*cking DAISY!

Whoopsie f*cking daisy!

Now, my home country has a long

and rich history of school massacres...

We know a thing about a thing or two.

So I thought. Why not bring a slice

of Americana here to the British isles.

That's right folks!

We here at Henenlotter

High will host the very first.

ALL YOU CAN EAT m*ssacre!

What's wrong, Ethan?

Ran out of potential victims so you have

to lower your standards for the goth girl.

But Beth... it's the All

You Can Eat m*ssacre!

Ooh!

No no no no no.

Take a look, in wonder, Deetz Montgomery.

My love, my life, my everything.

WOOF!

- Okay, we need to talk about Deetz Montgomery.

School secretary by day...

And nymphomaniac

banjo-snapping mega b*tch by night.

Not to mention, the significant other of our

brand spanking new headmaster Mr Sawyer.

And whilst Mr Sawyer

only has eyes for Deetz.

Deetz has eyes for that dickhead

sitting behind me, Ethan Rembrandt.

And together, Deetz and Ethan became Henenlotter's

answer to Gislane Maxwell and Jeffrey Epstein.

Grooming and s*d*mizing vulnerable

students in exchange for top grades.

Whilst Deetz and Ethan live out their sordid

fantasies, unbeknownst to poor Mr Sawyer.

Poetic and f*cked up, right!?

Now at the inaugural All

You Can Eat m*ssacre.

Sweet suicide.

Imagine blowing your f*cking

brains out with that thing?

God it's beautiful..

Students will have the option to

binge and purge as they see fit.

So the winner either gets

the chance to commit suicide, blah!

Or sh**t up Henenlotter High!

Kinda like pro choice!

Or pro death!

Prolapse!

And now to paraphrase

Big Willy Shakespeare:

"To k*ll yourself, or to

k*ll your classmates!?

That is the m*therf*cking question!"

And now an instructional

video from Dr. Samuel Weil...

k*ll the lights!

Alec Baldwin... nrrrgh!

Wasn't that riveting!?

Very riveting! Very riveting!

Now, I would like to introduce you to

the new English teacher, Miss Campbell.

A fellow American, so give it up!

Thank you, Mr Sawyer for

that eloquent introduction.

Today is a new beginning

for us here at Henenlotter High.

So remember, be kind to each other...

Or I'll k*ll ya!

Pew! Pew! Pew! Pew! Pewwww!

Tough crowd.

Alfred Packer also known

as the Colorado Cannibal...

was an American prospector and self

proclaimed professional wilderness guide.

Who confessed to cannibalism

during the winter of 1874.

You totally have a b*ner

for Miss Campbell?

Something wrong, Miss Conner?

Beth...

would you eat me?

Boy... would I?

Wake up! Sleeping beauty!

Now Miss Conner, I would appreciate it if you

didn't take up all your time doodling in my class.

Do we have an understanding, Miss Conner?

Yes, ma'am.

Good!

Now, when Packer returned to town, he claimed

that he'd been abandoned by his party

but he eventually confessed that his party had

resorted to cannibalism in order to stay alive.

You know, if you don't have a b*ner for Miss

Campbell, you can always attend to mine!

How about a five knuckle shuffle, Beth?

And I'll Jackson Pollock

your desk with my love goo!

You are a f*cking pig!

Oink! Oink!

Chill out, Beth. I got you covered.

All you goth girls really

need is a damn good...

Fingering!

Arrgh! Why?

Why me!? f*ck me Jesus on a pogo stick!

Beth!?

Miss Campbell called earlier...

regarding an incident,

with Ethan Rembrandt?

Do we care to explain?

She wanted to let us know that he

not going to be pressing charges!

Charges? He forced

his finger into my mouth!

It wasn't finger food, Beth!

And what was I supposed to do?

Ask him to stop?

"OMG Ethan, stop mouth raping me with

your index finger! This isn't consensual!"

Nevertheless, we have been

discussing things, Frankie... and myself!

And we would like you

a, to invite him around...

For dinner.

You've got to be f*cking kidding me!?

Let's try that again shall we?

That would be nice. We'll see

you tomorrow at dinner, Frankie.

Come on Beth. What's the line?

Go f*ck yourself, Frankie!

Heavenly Miss Campbell,

please show me the way.

I know it will be sinful

to end a man's life.

But Ethan Rembrandt is the

epitome of toxic masculinity.

Sexually assaulting girls and getting off scott free just

because the school secretary has a life affirming r*pe kink?

Please, just give me a sign.

If you want me to k*ll the c**t?

Any... sign... at all?

Destroy all men!

The sisterhood of the coven have spoken.

f*ck the patriarchy!

Let's Get Rid of Elizabeth

by Wasted Prospects

Ethan, I really am so

sorry about yesterday.

Do you really mean it? I mean I hold no...

Grudges.

Of course, I mean my parents

would love to have you over...

What you doing?

Cara mia.

No, Ethan. That's not

appropriate. Not in public.

Eww, gross. Clarissa, look!

Eww, Sabrina. Do you see what I see?

Melissa!?

Well, I never thought Henenlotter High

would approve of inter-clique erotica.

In fact, Clarissa...

Please stop with the

generic bullying stereotypes.

And 90s TV character name checks.

It's painful.

Interesting take, Beth.

You know, I'm surprised

you're still hungry.

Especially after you chowed down

on Ethan's poor finger yesterday.

You have no idea.

Don't worry, ladies.

Tonight I'll be converting her

into a full-blown preppy carnivore.

In fact, we saw you making eyes

at the new English teacher earlier...

planning on inviting Miss Campbell to

the All You Can Eat m*ssacre contest?

Don't give her ideas, Clarissa. You

said we were going to win that contest.

I. I said that I was

going to win that contest.

Check your station, Sabrina and understand

where you are in this pecking order.

I'm the lead.

And Beth, when I win that contest,

you'll be the first person on my k*ll list.

Please, please. k*ll me now...

I'm going to exterminate all the

freaks and goths at Henenlotter High.

Like it's 1940's n*zi

Germany, move over Schindler,

Clarissa's list only has room

for the elite student body!

Imagine if she did invite Miss

Campbell to the eating contest.

I bet she would quite literally.

Eat... her... out.

Get Through the Day by Twiztid

Sabrina

Melissa.

And Clarissa

aka: The Mean Girls

who wanted to be "Heathers" but

we're too busy sucking on "Jawbreakers".

And obsessing over the Tyler

McIntyre movie "Tragedy Girls".

Not to mention causing school

buses to "Crash and Burn" -

and I ain't talking 'bout no

Charles Band movie, either...

Did you forget!? Henenlotter

High ain't your jurisdiction.

Yeah! We're The Mean

Girls around here, Mister.

For f*ck, try and make it

sound less scripted next time.

You're a 30 year old woman,

playing a high school student, okay!?

Come on, Clarissa, let me go...

Without an apology!?

This is going to hurt you, a lot

more than it's going to hurt me.

Ahhhhh!

Ahhhhh!

And how about the time they!?-

- Enough with the exposition,

Beth Conner. They get it...

Meta and self aware foreshadowing

is so f*cking pretentious...

Maybe this woke princess

needs a taste of other white meat.

Instead of this vegan slop...

Let's f*cking go!

Never Coming Back by Our Last Enemy

Eat me, Gomez Addams, I f*cking dare you!

You think that's edgy!?

Explain this, Clarissa..

On the contrary, Mr Conner.

What the f*ck am I supposed

to explain to Clarissa's parents?

I'm sorry, your daughter

was an art class this afternoon

studying Van Gogh, and lost a f*cking ear!?

Let Clarissa explain it all...

Listen, Mr S.

Soy.

Sawyer.

We are deeply and sincerely apologetic

for the way our dear daughter

has reacted to this situation.

I can assure you. We

didn't bring her up like this.

Did we, Mark?

What can I say? She's a hungry girl...

Clyde...

What Mr Sawyer is trying to say,

is that we feel your daughter,

enjoys the old...

Guys, she's one horror movie

away from sh**ting up the school.

Columbine 2: Electric Boogaloo

Are you f*cking kidding me?

This school is enabling school massacres

by allowing students to choose between

k*lling their friends or k*lling themselves.

Beth, you need to broaden your mind

about zero percent of

f*cking kids out there right now

are gonna actually amount to anything.

I'm giving them the

option to binge and purge

so they have no one else

to blame but themselves

but it's students like you that

want to ruin it for everybody else.

You want to blame Marilyn Manson

violent video games, Child's

Play 3, imaginary friends...

How dare you judge our

sweet little dumpling like that?

I mean, just look at her,

she wouldn't harm a fly.

Now Miss Sullivan, I expect Beth to

make a formal apology to the entire

school for her unorthodox outbursts.

She's just a child.

Has she not apologised enough? See!

If there's one more incident

involving your daughter, Mr Conner.

I'm afraid the school

will have to suspend her.

I can see we're not

going to see eye to eye...

Or mouth to ear!

Hey, that's not funny!

Nope!

Please come in.

Miss Campbell?

Yes!

Clyde Toulon, head of human resources.

Sorry for the intrusion,

but I just saw you in here,

all alone, and...

And well, it's getting rather late.

Yes, sorry. I was just

finishing up some work.

It's been all go here today.

I'll see myself out.

How disappointing.

Well you see, I got

you an induction day gift.

A little surprise, shall we say...

That's very sweet of you. But I

really need to finish my work, Clyde.

Perhaps some other time.

It will be worth your while...

A surprise?

Ethan. I'm Beth's father, Mark Conner.

It's a pleasure to finally meet you.

Pleasure is all mine, Mr Conner.

Sorry about the finger.

Still. I hope it won't prevent you from scoring

for the Henenlotter Hamsters this season?

No need for apologies Mr Connor. I can still

fit two in the pink and one in the stink, so

Ethan Rembrandt will always

score if you know what I'm saying?

The youth of

today are quite something.

Please, do take a seat.

Beth will be down momentarily.

I have to say I'm truly humbled by

your hospitality Mr and Mrs Conner.

It's Miss Sullivan, actually...

Mr Conner and I are in a civil partnership.

Well, actually, I guess you

could say it was Beth that

brought us together.

Well my appetite just

flew over the cuckoo's nest.

Mother of f*ck!

Good evening to you too, Ethan.

Before I forget.

This is for you.

I don't drink on a school night.

Beth, dear, we're British.

We drink every night.

Well, before we say grace, Ethan.

I'd like to say what a beautiful addition

you're going to make to our family.

I can just tell.

A toast, to Beth Conner

another notch on Ethan Rembrandt's bedpost.

A-f*cking-men.

Testify, Mr Rembrandt.

Okie dokie!

Let me know when I can

remove this blindfold, okay?

Okay... Ready.

Surprise!

I'm sorry. I don't remember

signing up to this after school special.

Well..

Don't worry.

I'll make sure you're very

well... financially compensated.

Now, kneel before Toulon.

Well, when you put it like that.

I wouldn't want to be a problem, Mr Toulon.

Mommy!

Now I want you to get on your knees

and pray.

That's right. Pray to your

Weinstein God to save you.

Harvey, Bob, little baby Jesus, help me...

I'm sorry, Clyde.

But your time in this

Dimension, has Miramaxed out!

Wakey! Wakey!

Beth?

What are you doing? How did I get up here?

f*ck yes!

Thank you baby Jesus.

I had no idea you

were into this kinky sh*t.

Is that right?

Beth, it would be an honour,

nay, a privilege, to be your victim.

Do you feed that line to all your victims?

I mean, potential suitors?

You're the only one I

have eyes for, Beth Conner.

Speaking of eyes, I noticed this evening.

You have the same eyes as Miss Sullivan

you two could easily pass

as mother and daughter.

She is not, my f*cking...

MOTHER!

f*ck!

Beth, honey, everything alright in there?

Yeah, yeah, it's fine!

We're just finishing up.

I hope you're not raping him?

r*pe

Beth if you don't open this door right

now, I'm going to call the f*cking police!

Okay! Okay! I'm coming...

Sport, what happened?

Is Ethan alright?

Ethan is just A-OK!

So, how do you explain...

Err... I was on my period?

Okay...

Well, I wasn't expecting that.

No, I could smell the

metallically coppery smell.

Frankie! Frankie! Honey, that's enough!

Okay! Well, I'm gonna go wash up.

Love you, Daddy!

Goth Girls Are Easy

by l*sbian Bed Death

Bingo!

Goth girls are easy

Dark lips, big t*ts..

Goth girls are easy

Goth boots, cat suit..

Goth girls are easy

Black hair, death

stare.. Goth girls are easy

Black hair, death

stare.. Goth girls are easy

Dark lips, big t*ts..

I believe that I speak for my fellow

female students here at Henenlotter High.

When I say that, Ethan Rembrandt

was taken from us far, far too soon.

We may have woke up in a ditch or passed out outside

the door of our estranged parents' household...

but the fact still remains Ethan Rembrandt

had a hell of a lot of love left to give.

He did the deed and

indeed he spread his seed

before taking part in his favourite

pastime of ding dong ditch. In fact-

Am I hearing this bullshit correctly?

Beth Conner, will you

please show some respect!?

You of all people should understand the pain and

sorrow your fellow sisters are feeling right now

Besides, you were

scheduled to be his next victim!

I'm sorry, but what I meant to say was...

You were due to be Ethan

Rembrandt's next conquest!

In fact, I am glad he is dead!

He's probably down there in hell

right now, roasting marshmallows whilst

watching horror movies produced

by those f*cking Weinstein brothers!

That's enough, Beth!

I won't hear you say another sacrilegious

word about the Weinstein brothers.

Yes, Miss Montgomery...

Well, who doesn't love

the Scream franchise?

Am I right, girls?

I love Scream 3...

Consider yourself cancelled.

Well, if it isn't the carpet munching

vegan goth-cannibal herself.

Bit off more than we can chew?

Come again?

You heard me.

I'm sorry Clarissa, I couldn't ear you...

Are we auditioning for

the Henenlotter Hamsters

cheerleading contest, Beth?

Beth. We know your dark little secret.

Ethan's parents phoned

the school to say that

he was dropped off last night...

Eaten.

Not to mention, someone ripped

off Clyde Toulon's f*cking head!

What are the chances of that, hey!?

After attending the Conner household,

Ethan ends up as the main course...

And then Beth fancied

herself a little head...

You better come clean, Beth.

Before we tell Deetz and Mr Sawyer.

And that would be a fate

far worse than death...

Death? You say that like

it's a bad thing, Melissa.

Too bad your Mommy's not alive...

To see what a freak her

cunting daughter has turned into

on her 18th birthday.

Did anyone ever tell you:

You look kinda sexy when you bleed?

That's kind of inappropriate

for a teacher to say to a student.

Can we order another round of

pancakes for Miss Gluttony over here?

And just another refill of your

damn fine Henenlotter coffee.

We close in five minutes.

Don't worry, with the appetite

she has she'll be done in two.

I'm sorry, you were saying?

Well, I may have eaten Ethan...

What do you mean you

may have eaten Ethan?

Something came over

me, this like.. primal urge.

Prove it.

Excuse me?

Prove it to me right here, right now.

What's the matter? Am I

not good enough to eat?

You have no f*cking idea.

You've eaten every pancake in the diner.

I recognise a cry for help when I see one.

Do you wanna know my secret?

Sure.

What secret!?

Everybody seems to be

falling for you lately, Beth!?

Bye! Bye!

What the f*ck!?

Beth? Beth! Do you wanna

know my secret or not?

Sure?

I suffer from something

known as erotophonophilia...

Erono-nono-who?

The lust for death!

You remember the human resources

representative at Henenlotter High right?

Clyde Toulon, of course, why?

You know how we both

love animals right, Beth?

Adore them.

Well, you know how humans send animals off to the

slaughter without a conscience in the world?

Well that's what I did to Clyde right here.

You know, Miss Campbell, I -

I've waited a long time to find

someone who truly understands me, Beth.

Together we could rid the world of

this toxic self-appointed patriarchy

that serves nothing to

womankind but pain and grief.

But we're only going

to k*ll bad people, right?

Pinkie promise.

Consider this my peace

offering, and understanding.

Eat up!

Whoops!

Miss Campbell, I think this is the

beginning of a beautiful relationship.

Dancer in the Dark

by Dylan Mars Greenberg

Wait, you sure we won't get caught?

Would I lie to you, Beth?

Trust me Tusk, the All You Can

Eat m*ssacre will be a grand success.

Thus, guaranteeing yours truly,

another year as Headmaster.

Am I right? I'm right!

Just, hold your horses and

let's wait for the ratings, okay?

Who is that woman over there

making out with that student?

That's Miss Campbell, another

American member of the faculty...

Doh! BETH!

Mark my words Beth.

No longer will you be groomed

here by a teacher at Henenlotter High.

Again, I wasn't groomed.

Nonsense, that's the

Stockholm Syndrome talking.

Stockholm? I remember Stockholm...

I once spent a weekend

skiing in Stockholm...

with Clyde.

Miss Campbell was hired under your watch.

Do you have anything

to say about this Sawyer?

I know what it's like to lose someone...

Come again?

That's what she said.

Now look, Beth. You got to share

some of the responsibility here.

Sawyer, she was sexually molested.

Bullshit! I'm just calling it as I see it, fingers,

ears, decapitated heads of football players.

My number one boy, Clyde!

Get your sh*t together.

We're in Henenlotter, the United

Kingdom, the age of consent is sixteen.

And after all, I'm seventeen,

going on eighteen...

Alright, Sound of Music!

The Sound of Music is my all

time favourite film about Nazis!

SIEG HEIL!

What the f*ck, Nancy?

What the f*ck, Nancy!?

Beth, there's no reason to speak to the

rag sheets about this isolated incident.

My significant other Nancy

has taken care of everything.

Taken care of what?

Miss Campbell has been sent on a plane

back to the greatest

country on God's flat earth.

What?

Teachers shouldn't be gallivanting with

students, it just isn't cricket, darling.

But it's okay for the school

secretary to f*ck underaged students?

Excuse me?

Ethan Rembrandt was 17 years old, and

based on Henenlotter High's jurisdiction,

that brands you Miss Montgomery, a paedophile,

a kiddie fiddler, a child f*ck!

A Serbian hanky-panky!

Pay no attention to

this edge lord centennial.

She's just trying to push the envelope.

Speaking of envelopes...

Mr Everbone, Miss Campbell asked me

to deliver this envelope directly to you.

And now you've taken,

the only thing I truly love.

I hereby announce my official entry

into the All You Can Eat m*ssacre contest.

And mark my words, I'm

going to win that handgun,

blow my f*cking brains out, and escape

this shitty horror movie once and for all.

No longer will I have to put up

with you loser characters again!

Romantic comedy genre, here I come!

Atta girl! That's the kinda

passion I'm talking about!

Pro-choice suicide! But anybody can sh**t

up a school, there's no talent in that!

You want to take your own life?

Or partake in a school m*ssacre?

But you have to earn it.

Earn it.

Binge and purge.

BINGE AND PURGE, BABY!

Yeah!!

That girls got talent. Pizzazz!

I see big things coming!

It's a scream, baby!

Woooh!

Its a screaaaammmmmm.

I've been looking for a girl

just like you all my life, Beth Conner...

Someone that truly

loves and accepts me for the person I am...

I would be

completely lost without you, my darling.

Promise that you'll

never leave me, Beth? Pinkie promise?

You should have seen the

look on that goth girl's face,

when I told her I sent back

Miss Campbell on a plane.

On 9/11 nonetheless.

Pew! Pew! Pew! Kaboom!

I know! I know

the irony.

And who says jet fuel

can't melt poisoned hearts?

Cottonmouth.

Rather have a cottonmouth

than a cotton eye joe.

Campbell? What the

howdy-doody are you doing here?

I booked you first class

tickets on that hijacked flight.

9/11 is a national holiday for our people.

Do you find this

titillating, Miss Campbell?

We all know nudity in

the horror genre is only

there to appeal to the

lowest common denominator.

You donut bashers are

all the same, and I'm just-

If this was an A24 film, it would be

classed as brave and progressive.

Now, open up your virgin mouth

like a Criterion Collection cuck boy.

And say Ahhhhhhh.

Ahhhhh.

Jiminy cricket! We gotta

get you to a hospital, lickity-split!

Nancy has left the building.

So ladies, Miss Goth Cheeks thinks she's

going to win the All You Can Eat m*ssacre.

But, once the food turns out

to be non-vegan, she'll forfeit.

Then I'll win the All You Can Eat m*ssacre, and

be awarded a shiny g*n by The Midnight Rose.

And send all the freaks and geeks at Henenlotter

High to my own personal concentration camp.

Any questions?

Clarissa.

What is it, Melissa?

Don't you think it's about time that

we won something for a change?

Yeah, Clarissa. Why do you always

want to have your cake and eat it too?

I'm going to ruin Beth Connor's life and put

an end to her ridiculous American Pie fetish.

Underrated franchise, I particularly

love those straight to video sequels.

I think she means the pie, as in

the poontang pie, as in the p*ssy.

c**t.

Ok thank you Sabrina.

That good pie.

Shut up, Sabrina.

It's Mellisa.

I'm Sabrina.

And who the f*ck is this?

Well sir, that's The Midnight Rose,

greatest wrestling manager of all time!

And the host to the All

You Can Eat m*ssacre.

Of course it is.

Mr Braxton, can you please send in Mr Law?

Sawyer, meet Byron Law,

head of the British school board.

This won't take long, Tusk. Please proceed.

What's happening here?

Well, we've heard all about your

colourful history with Reams for Less.

And your current tenure

with Henenlotter High is...

for lack of a better term, problematic.

Problematic? What is this woke sh*t!?

Do you know what lies in here?

We didn't know you were an accomplice to...

child grooming, Sawyer?

He he he.. This, this can't

be right. There must be a mistake.

The only mistake I see in this

room is the one sat in front of me.

What?

You're fired. Get the f*ck out!

Wait a second. You're firing me, Tusk!?

That's Mr Everbone!

And where should I begin? Student

teacher relationships running rampant.

Your partner, the school secretary,

sleeping with an underaged student.

We are going to have a public

relations nightmare, all because of you!

Listen, Tusk. Mr Everbone.

You're canceling me!

You're not firing me, you're canceling me!

Would be better if you

k*lled me, then cancel me!

I mean, I had no idea, I had

no idea what was going on!

I swear on the lives of

these kids, I had no idea!

What happened to the man

who ruled with an iron... golf club?

You've become nothing more

than a caricature of yourself.

Relying on your cute little catch

phrases to pop an audience.

What happened to the man who was Reams

for Less regional manager of the year,

five years in a row?

Or did the Sawyer we all know and love die?

And what sits before me is

a figment of my imagination.

Mr Sawyer, on behalf of Henenlotter High...

We wish you all the best,

in your future endeavours.

And Sawyer.

Whoopsie f*cking daisy!

No you didn't!

Devil by Delilah Bon

Good morning, goth cheeks!

Poor pancake princess.

I always knew she would

make a good cheerleader

for the Henenlotter Hamsters football team.

Get her!

Hold still, Beth Conner.

You flinch again and I

won't hesitate to cut you.

You should thank Clarissa

for doing your makeup.

It's so you.

Let me go!

Beth Conner,

we meet again.

I didn't mean to eat him.

So you admit it? You ate Ethan Rembrandt?

We told you Miss Montgomery.

Poor Mr Sawyer.

Look who's come to save the day.

You know, the school board frowns upon members

of staff sleeping with students, Miss Campbell

#me too.

Excuse me?

I wonder what Mr Sawyer

would have to say about a very

senior member of staff

sleeping with a student?

Prepare to resign Miss Campbell.

I agree.

BANG!

Miss Campbell, what are you doing here?

Have you forgotten what day it is, Beth?

I had this awful dream that Clarissa,

Melissa and Sabrina kidnapped me.

And you k*lled Deetz.

Are you sure it was just a dream?

Hey! I've got a surprise for you!

For your birthday.

Am I still dreaming?

You wish.

Welcome home, Miss Campbell.

We weren't expecting you back so early.

Wait, how do you know Miss

Campbell? And why is the house so dark?

Well, sport. We wouldn't want to

spoil anything for you would we?

That's right, Mark. Shall I do the honours?

Or should Miss Campbell?

Wait, how do you three know each other?

It's just like Ethan...

it's only a little prick.

What did they say? They said..

Mr Sawyer, forget Reams for Less.

You're the one to bring

prestige back to Henenlotter High.

These students, they they will

respect you, they will love you.

And I'll love them.

What happened?

What happened?

I fed them discipline,

respect, pride in education.

And they bit the hand that fed them.

They k*lled my number one boy, Clyde...

And you, deserted me, Deetz.

Was I not enough? Was I not enough?

Were we missing something?

I love... I loved you, Deetz...

And you f*cked a child. You fu...

I can't forgive that, I can't...

I can't.

And these m*therf*cking kids...

spitting in my face.

Spitting in Mr m*therf*cking Sawyer's face!

Time to put the dogs in the pool area.

A toast to our main course this evening.

My daughter, Beth Conner.

Crowd: Beth Conner.

Can we eat her now, Mark? Can we?

In due time...

Miss Campbell, would you do the honours?

It would be my absolute

pleasure, Mr Conner.

The Conner clan has been

waiting for this moment for

18 years.

The last time we were all here...

was for your mother.

Your mother tasted so good Beth.

Thankfully you both share

the same blood type, delicious.

And we've been waiting a good 12

years to all be reunited once more...

as a family.

It was an absolute honour Mr

Conner to put an end to your wife.

Thanks for inviting me back to

Henenlotter to tie up loose ends.

Not to mention helping fatten your

daughter up on Henenlotter prime meat.

You could say this is the...

CIRCLE OF LIFEEEEEE!

Meow!

Think nothing of it, Miss Campbell.

In fact...

we have a special guest,

don't we Frankie!?

Do you believe in miracles, Beth?

There we go,

there we go, Momma.

Don't you just love a family reunion?

This feels just like old times...

Ahhhhhh!

Where do you think you're

going dressed like that, dear?

To the All You Can Eat m*ssacre.

Don't you like my dress, Frankie?

Your dress? Well, it's

cute dumpling, but...

I much prefer your plump flesh.

Beth! Beth! Beth! Beth! Beth!

Sport! This is a sacred family ritual.

Think of it as quality time.

Try not to take any of this personally.

Now, now. That's not very ladylike is it?

What would your mother say?

You're right, Dad.

Make room for daddy.

There, there, easy does it.

Arrrgh!

I think she'd be f*cking

proud of me! Daddy!

You're too late, Beth. Henenlotter

High is about to have their eating contest.

School massacres will no longer see colour.

We are one big melting pot of death!

Don't fight it, Beth.

You're the millennial product of

the American High School Trope.

And what's more poetic and American than...

a high school m*ssacre?

Nostalgia is f*cking cancer!

BANG!

Don't go far now. I'll be

returning for y'all soon!

Nancy! Where have you been?

The British school board has signed an exclusive

multi-year extension based on tonight's projected ratings.

Sawyer has finally f*cked off!

And I, Tusk Everbone, control the intellectual

property rights to the All You Can Eat m*ssacre brand.

And we, my little dumpling.

Bask in all the glory,

illuminated by a hail of g*nf*re.

Goddammit! Sandy Hook ain't got sh*t on us!

I ain't Nancy.

Tell me, do you have pride?

Pride?

I asked you a question, Tusk!

Do you have m*therf*cking pride...

in education?

Sawyer?

That's Mr Sawyer.

Please listen! You must listen!

We can rebuild Henenlotter High together.

Think of the students. Think of the future.

That's right.

Think of the dollars invested into

this institution and into this tragedy.

Planning for the future,

when there is no future.

Selling silver dollar fantasies

and pocketing the gold.

Discarding the damage

and fist f*cking the youth.

That's what you do!

That's what you believe in.

Mr Sawyer, I...

Whoopsie f*cking daisy!

And how's your 18th birthday going, Beth?

f*cking terrible, thanks for asking!

Not only have I discovered that my father and his

girlfriend help k*ll my mother many years ago,

but that they're also homicidal cannibals.

And, my one true love, 1:

Helped them k*ll my mom.

Helped fatten me up to be served as

the main course of my own 18th birthday.

Fat chance!

And 3: Wants my problematic high school to

implode into one big high school m*ssacre.

Well, not on my f*cking watch!

I am going to win the All You

Can Eat m*ssacre contest.

Be awarded that g*n.

Blow my f*cking brains out!

And say goodbye to the cast and

crew of Eating Miss Campbell for good.

So, yeah, happy 18th birthday to me, right?

And before I forget,

SCREW TROMA MOVIES!

Ash by Unquiet Dead

Sawyer, sweetie.

Don't f*cking move!

I don't understand?

After everything we've been through!

You've been working long nights on

the All You Can Eat m*ssacre event.

What do you expect a girl to do?

Ethan?

Ethan Rembrandt? Please, that's absurd.

I saw the polaroid photos.

He was a child. A f*cking child.

I love you.

I'll always love you...

But I f*cking hate paedophiles...

Yankee doodle went to

town, a-riding on a donkey

Stuck a feather in his

hat and called it macaroni

Someone there?

Still hungry, Beth?

I have so many delicacies to offer.

Why did you k*ll her?

Who, honey?

My mother!

Why does anybody do anything, Beth?

Your father had a taste

for human flesh after he

had an affair with Frankie, of course.

He sought me out and the rest is history.

That is such a f*cked up excuse!

Now Beth, is it fair to judge other people's

kinks when yours are morally questionable?

I mean, look at us.

We're just the product of

what society made us into.

Do you really think society,

much less the audience,

cares about a confused suicidal goth girl,

with an insatiable love for human flesh?

You've got a point.

Remember when I said that

you looked sexy when you bled?

I meant it.

You're horribly mistaken, Miss Campbell.

It's not my time of the month!

Give it up for Ochie and Friends!

Look at what we've got

here, a late contestant.

Put your hands together for Beth Conner!

One for you.

Yum, yum, yum.

Snap into that, oooh yeah!

Ooooh, spicy!

What are we eating?

Miss Campbell.

Remember, the winner of the All You Can Eat m*ssacre

will win this beautiful handgun and choose...

Whether to sh**t up their school!

Or sh**t themselves!

On your marks!

Get set!

Chow down!

Far 2 Young 2 Die by Tom Green

And the winner of the All

You Can Eat m*ssacre!

Beth Conner!

h*! h*! h*!

Beth, give me the g*n.

You know how this should end...

mass genocide the likes

this town has never seen.

On a curricular level.

Clarissa. School shootings are so 1999.

Beth's right. We need to learn from this. Grow

as characters. School shootings are wrong!

Yeah, Clarissa. Nostalgia is A*DS.

Shut up, Sabrina.

It's Melissa!

No one cares...

Eaten Alive By f*cking

Crabs by Bodach

Run and hide m*therf*ckers!

Binge and purge, m*therf*ckers!

Changed the rules on ya?

You're not stealing this

moment away from me!

I won this f*cking contest!

Whoopsie f*cking daisy!

f*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck!

You are a spectacle of teenage darkness!

Only through tragedy, do we

truly understand each other.

Don't you get that?

That's what all this has been about!

This is Mr Sawyer,

wishing you...

good health.

Mr Sawyer...

has left the building, m*therf*ckers!

Beth Conner!

The winner of the All You Can Eat m*ssacre!

Now you have binged! You must purge!

What shall your choice be?

Well, I guess this is goodbye.

Well...

bottoms up for end credits!

Greetings and salutations, Beth Conner.

Do goth vegans masturbate

with cucumbers or-

It's just a dream, it isn't real...

I f*cking hate low budget horror movies.

Through by Wheatus

"Fellatio on the 4th of July"

by SomeWhere OutHere

Beth Conner!

What the f*ck