01x06 - Bewitched

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Reboot". Aired: September 20, 2022 - current.*
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A dysfunctional cast must deal with their unresolved issues in today's fast-changing world.
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01x06 - Bewitched

Post by bunniefuu »

- Hey.
- Hi.

I'm sorry, but aren't you
that actor from "Step Right Up"?

Yes, I am, yup, Reed Sterling, yeah.

Wow, wow, this is so exciting.

- We're from Indiana.
- Ah!

Oh, we loved your show.

Oh, well it's, uh, coming back.

We're sh**ting episodes right now.

Oh that explains it.
We saw your co-star here yesterday.

- Oh, which co-star?
- Bree Marie Jensen.

She's staying at this hotel too.

- In fact...
- Hi, honey!

I just saw her f*cking tits.

Oh my god, would you
tell those f*ck

- to get their sh*t together?
- She's from New York.

- Those are New York words.
- Oh my god, I'm sorry,

we're in the final dress rehearsal
and Margo Martindale's top just fell off.



How, how's it going?

Well a pipe burst on the floor above me,

so I had to switch hotels.

Oh, that sucks, I'm sorry.

It's actually pretty nice here,
and the timing's good.

I don't have to work today
'cause they're doing a pre-sh**t.


- Reed Sterling!
- Uh, it's some fan.

See, I told you.

Right there, that's Bree Marie Jensen.

Thank you so... Hi.

Thank you, wow.

Wow, uh, yeah, Bree's here.

She must be staying here too.

The, the studio, the studio
put me up here. I had no idea.


Okay, I'm gonna let you go

'cause it seems like she really needs you.

No, she doesn't need me.
I need you!

Oh wow, okay.

Oh my god,
you know what would be so fun?

What if it turned out that
you two had adjoining rooms?

It'd be like a Neil Simon play,

but with f*cking.

- Okay, Nora.
- Okay, I gotta go, I gotta go.



See those guys over there.

Yes, I do.

I've been watching them
since they checked in.

And is that what was so important

that you felt the need
to hail me like a cab?

Yes, here's what I'm thinking...
Red jacket, widow.

Her d*ad husband was
a rich Texas oil magnate.

- Okay.
- Man bun is her interior designer,

probably from Paris,
and tracksuit is her masseuse

and she never travels without him

after sustaining an injury
falling off of a horse

on her very own ranch.

Oh god.

You're still playing that game.

Yes, come on, you used to love it.
Who are they?

Well, I don't know who they are,

- but I...
- Yes?

Am an actor who's going to the gym.

- Reed.
- Yeah, so.

Oh, and by the way,
just because you have a cane

and a man bun does not mean
you're from Europe.

So where's he from?

Brazil, Kinshasa, Malaysia...
Nope, nope,

I'm not playing this game.

You played it.
I did not play it.

You just played it.
I did not play it.

I just don't understand
why we can't order sushi for lunch.

'Cause the studio won't pay for it.

Even if it's my half birthday?

What is that, is that
like a millennial thing?

I think all generations love sushi.

So anyway, thank you so much again.

Um, these things can be really weird,

but I wanted to do the right thing.

Oh, in the world of HR,
not even in the top 10 of weird.

- Right, right.
- Yeah. You handled it perfectly.

Oh, oh my god, though,
it, it, it was nothing,

I mean, you made it,
you made it easy, so yeah.

- Just doing my job.
- Well, as a human,

I thank you for your resources.

- Forget, forget I said that.
- No, you're really, you're really funny.

- Oh, thank you.
- Yeah.

- It was nice meeting you.
- Nice meeting you too,

and thank you, again...
I already said that over there so,

- Ah, goodbye. Bye.
- Okay, Bye.

- Yeah, bye-bye.
- Bye.

Look at you!

Who's your little friend?

No, that's not, no, no, no,
that's not my friend.

She's, uh, that's Mallory from HR.

I mean, maybe someday
we'll be friends, I don't know,

I don't have a crystal ball.

Well, she's cute.

Um, okay, I wasn't thinking about that,

we were more focused
on a very important...

Alright so, so that, that's your type,
good to know.

- I didn't... I never said that.
- And why wouldn't she be?

She's an attractive woman,
you're attracted to women.

There's no reason to get
all weird about this.

I'm not making it weird.

You're the one making
it weird, you weirdo.

- Me?
- If you must know,

it was a very professional meeting

because a certain coworker wants to know

if he can ask out another
certain coworker, don't ask me,

I'm not gonna tell you who it is.

I never would've in
a million years, but by the way,

this asking out info,
that could come in very handy

for you and the looker from HR.

Oh, did you just wink?

I winked, yes, I winked.

I always wink when
there's love in the air.

Oh god, oh, ugh, I'm very uncomfortable.

Don't feel un... why, what?
God put us on this earth

to fall in love, the gays too.

- Oh the gays, thank you.
- The LGTVs.

That's a brand of television.

Well, this has been life-altering.
I'm gonna go to set.

Listen, if you ever want
wardrobe to fix you up

with a flirty outfit,

- they can hammer...
- Oh my God, n...

Oh, what, what the Ls
don't like to look sexy now?

Seems like a long way to go
for a dream sequence.

I said the same thing but I was told

the flying represents
the freedom Jake seeks

from the pressure of his work life.

Very artsy.

Mm-hmm, all I'm hearing

is that my nuts are gonna get wrenched.

Oh, BRB, bro.

- Hey.
- Hey, what did HR say?

Yeah, it's cool, uh,
you're, you're free to ask out

- whoever it is.
- Aw, sweet, I'm pumped.

This girl is really special.

Uh, yes, but company policy states

you can only ask her out once.


Well, because if she doesn't say yes

and then you ask her again,
it's considered harassment.

Wait, I only get one sh*t?

That's not fair.

Well, bud, life's not fair.

You know, I, uh, I'm stuck
with a driver's license photo

that makes me look like John C. Reilly.

Ooh, snacks.

I say we just dump the whole J scene.

You always wanna cut the J scene.

A surgeon cuts to heal.

You know, can I ask you young kids

something a little delicate?

Okay, just a few
injections in the forehead

and some filler here and here.

Now he's funny.
Something delicate about Hannah.

Here's my question,
you guys travel in the same circle.

Is she seeing anybody?

Not really.

But like, has she ever
had a serious girlfriend?

Um, now that you mention it?

I think she has some intimacy issues.

No, Hannah? Where the hell
would that come from?

Oh god, he's serious.

What, oh, you think
she's emotionally closed off

because of me?

No, no, of course not.

No, that was probably
the, the other father

that she grew up without.

My father wasn't around
and I went the other way

and f*cked everyone in Philly.

The '83 Sixers should've given me a ring.

It's a heartwarming story.
Can we get back to Hannah?

Here's the thing.

I think she kinda likes
this Mallory woman from HR.

So how do we find out if she's single

or perhaps likes girls?

- Let's check her socials.
- Oh, alright.

Okay, Mallory, Hulu, human resources.

Yeah, and just asking,
has, has anyone read my draft?

- Hold on.
- Got it, Mallory Bixby.

- Yes.
- Yup, Google says she's 36 years old.

No mention of spouse.

- Okay.
- I'll check Instagram.

I'll check Venmo.

She's ancient, I'll check Facebook.

Just saying, turned it in two days ago.

Yeah, you turned it in
on a yellow legal pad.

She's still typing it up.

Okay, Mallory Bixby,
lots of pics with friends.

- Alright. So?
- And a dog.

- Ooh.
- I like it.

No wedding ring.

There we go. I like that.

Uh-oh, arm-in-arm with a man.

Every time.

Wait, it's her brother.

Okay, does it say there is she gay?

She paid Barbara Long
for tickets to a Janelle Monáe concert.

- Great sign.
- Well, no, I like Barry Manilow,

does that mean I'm gay?

It means you've thought about it.

Okay, Mallory played golf at UCLA.

- Come on.
- A photo of her at a Fran Lebowitz Q&A.

There you go.
Okay, these are clichés.

It's all circumstantial.

She has two cats
named Tilda and Swinton.

And she's a lesbian.

Wow, you guys are better than Mat lock.

Hey, woo!

Hey Jer, you got a sec?

Yeah, what's up.

Uh, I'm In AA and I'm supposed
to make amends with people

I might've wronged, you know,

back when I was overdoing it.

Must be a hell of a list.

Yeah, and since you're here,

thought I might as well
pop my cherry with you.

Yeah, okay, I'll try to be gentle.

Back then, I either came to work
drunk, stoned, or hungover.

I can't even remember
season three...

But shouldn't have done it,
filled with regrets,

uh, blah, blah, blah.

Well, Clay, thanks for
those heartfelt words.


Okay, boys, take him up.


It's just like Peter Pan.


Oh cool, you came.

Look at you doing your own stunts.

Yeah, it's no big deal.

When I was a baby,
my diapers were too tight

from growing fast
so I can't even feel the harness.

So fun.

Hey, speaking of fun...

I'm going to a showing
of Pulp Fiction tonight

at the Aero in Santa Monica.
There's a whole costume thing.

Do you think that might be something

- you'd be interested in doing?
- Oh, um, Zack, I'm sorry, I...

Okay, lift him up!

Uh, just gimme one second. Oh!

This is Elaine.

Wait, did that count?

It's Nora. Text me.

Hey, it's me leaving an actual voicemail

because I, I want you
to hear my sincerity.

Um, when I say there, there is nothing

untoward going on between...

Reed, you are not gonna believe this.

What's that, waitress?

There is something
going on with those three.

They were whispering.

Maybe that's because
you were listening in

on their conversation.

No, I don't think so.

The widow is in cahoots with man bun

and they're pretending to be...
art dealers.

- Okay, what, what, what kind of cahoots?
- The worst kind of cahoots.

They're trying to sell that
unsuspecting Asian tech titan

forged masterpieces.

How bored are you?

My phone d*ed.
Who do you think they are?


Well, Bree, I actually, you know what?

I don't, I don't think
we should sit here and play this.

Why not?

Just because it's something
that you and I used to do when,

you know, we would go
on vacation together.


So we're not together.

- We're not?
- Don't do that.

- Are you breaking up with me?
- Please don't do that.

- He's breaking up with me!
- I'm not breaking up with her.

My heart is breaking open!
We're not together.

- Hey.
- Hannah, just in time.

Look, we have a guest.

- Mallory.
- Hi, again.

Yeah, uh, what are we doing here?

Well, you know, it's just
in this crazy day and age,

it's so confusing what you can say anymore

in a writer's room and what you can't say.

So I thought to get some clarity,

I'd invite beautiful Mallory to help us.

Yeah. I'm pretty sure
you can't say that.

Mallory is very nice.

Oh, and you're a winker now too.

Am I missing something?

No, uh, hey, guys, I really don't think

you should be wasting
Mallory's time like this.

We, hey, well, maybe
you don't need the guidance.

What, with your honors degree
from Northwestern University.

But you know what? The rest of us
dummies, we could use a little assistance.

- I went to Harvard.
- Add it to the board.

- Whoa.
- Dammit.

Two more and you gotta
give Bob a foot rub.

Mm, they can't make me
touch his feet, right?

I mean, if you made a deal.

It's a little HR joke.

I don't know, just...

And she's funny.

So as long as we're doing this,
I have a sort of a,

a hypothetical scenario
I'd really love to drill down on.

- Okay.
- Would it be alright for me to compliment

a, a female coworker
on her wit and wisdom?

- Yes.
- How about her nice, wide, childbearing hips?

Always with the hips.

The heart wants what the heart wants.

Shockingly, you can't
talk about a woman's hips.

Really, that seems like
a big "screw you" to evolution.

Azmina, you, you look like you
have something you wanna say.

Sometimes I feel bad about myself

because Hannah is such a good cook.

Oh my god.

Uh, hey, Gordon,
can I talk to you outside?

Uh-oh, you know what?

Even when I'm in trouble,
it's always a privilege

to spend time with my single gay daughter.

What a, what a weird thing to say.

What, what's up?

I got a question,
what if the room is dragging

and I wanna add some levity by telling

a really hilarious story
about Tony Danza's cock?

Definitely no, that could absolutely

make a lot of people feel uncomfortable.

Trust me, so could Tony Danza's cock.


- Guess...
- What the literal hell?

- I'm always in trouble with you.
- Do you have

any idea how embarrassing that was for me?

What, what were you thinking?

I don't know, you just,

you seem so freaked out about
the idea of liking someone

that I tried to,
tried to help a little bit.

- Who asked you to help?
- Nobody.

- Yeah.
- I know.

I just thought this was one of those,

I broke it, I should fix it,
kind of things.

You broke it.

- I mean, didn't I?
- I am the "it" that you broke.

I mean, no?
Let me put it this way.

If, if me not being around

during your becoming a woman years

is what made you so skittish
or frightened or, or timid or,

- or insecure or emotionally d*ad, whatever.
- Okay.

I don't know what the term is, but if,

if I contributed to that, then, yes,

that would make me feel really badly.

Look, as much as
I would love to blame you

for all of my problems,

there are a number of reasons
I am the way I am.

Fine, be that as it may.

- You kinda like this woman, don't you?
- Ew, Dad what are you doing?

All right, well, at least
you're intrigued by her.

Okay, yes?

Well, your friends in there

did some very impressive online digging.

Oh my...

Yes, and your Mallory is single

and, uh, into the ladies.

- Mm-hmm?
- That's interesting.

- Yes.
- But!

And after that, they also
found a nude picture of Selma

with a very young Gabe Kaplan
that rocked a few worlds.

Uh, can I just give you a little
piece of fatherly advice?

Life is short,
just put yourself out there.

Okay, I'm not quite ready

for the fatherly advice from you yet.

Fair enough.

Co-show runner advice,
give your character some drive.

Make her active, and if she fails,
who gives a sh*t?

You know, I thought your desk was bigger.


I fell asleep. What's going on?

Okay, so, uh,

those people are not
what you think they are.

The old lady and the man bun.

- Uh-huh?
- Are, are not in cahoots.

- No.
- He's a gigolo

and the diminutive Asian man
is his secret lover.

What about the old lady?

Oh, oh, you mean
the Contessa Renosa Santiago?

- Yes!
- Mm-hmm.

I think it's pretty
obvious that he told her

that if she invested in a movie,

she could be a big-time producer.

And what would that sound like?

Oh, darling,
you have to invest in this movie.

I mean, it's going to be a guaranteed h*t.

Don't you want to go to the Oscars?

- You're insane.
- What?

She's conning them.

She's trying to get them to buy

a bunch of dried-up old Texas oil wells.

I just can't see her doing that at all.

Maybe this will help.

- Oh?
- My husband Daryl,

he told me to never sell this land,

but he lives with Jesus now.

And I just don't think that'd be right

for me to keep all
these riches for myself.

Oh, okay.
Just got text from concierge,

reservation at Dan Tana's 7:30,
for four people.

Oh my god! So he's Bulgarian,
and there's a fourth person.

This is getting juicy.

Oh, you know what else is juicy?

The chicken parm at Dan Tana's.

I haven't had that in 15 years.

- I know.
- Oh.

Me either.
God, that's...

Should we go?

To, mm, to dinner, me and you.

- I, I...
- I mean, how else are we gonna find out

what naughty things
are going on here...

with them.

Oh, right, no, of course,
of course, yeah, yeah.

- Yeah.
- Yeah, like, we have to eat.

- We have to eat.
- Right, that's not a crime.

- It's not a crime.
- No.

Two coworkers sharing a meal.

Yeah, nothing wrong with that.

Totally above board.


So you're telling me
I've always been able to fly?


Might've been nice to know

when I fell off the roof last week.

Laugh, laugh, laugh.

I didn't ask to be in your dream.

I'm going back to my dream,

where I was riding tigers
with Zendaya.

And as Jake ruminates in his dreamscape,

face-to-face with the specter
of his own mortality, we cut.

Okay, great.

You guys let me down?

Actually, uh, leave,
leave him up there for a bit.

Ha ha ha, ha ha, very funny.

Seriously, this thing's
starting to floss my crotch,

and not in a good way.

Since you mentioned it,

I've been thinking about season three.

There was an episode that year

when Jake's father passed away.

It was the best goddamned
script Gordon ever wrote,

touching as hell.

And I thought it would be
my one chance to win an Emmy.

Well you were so out of it,
you could barely finish a scene.

Well you probably would've
lost to Frasier anyway.

Still a smart ass.

Jesus, Jerry, I already apologized.

Allow me to give you a little direction.

If you are playing an apology,

at least try to pretend
you f*ck' mean it.

It's one thing to be young
and drunk and stupid.

But you are a middle-aged man.

So when you mumble some
insincere, perfunctory words,

just so you can cross my name off a list?

Well, that's just insulting.

So I'm sorry, I don't accept
your bullshit apology.

See that was sincere.

Take a break, everyone, half an hour.

- Are you seriously leaving me up here?
- You bet your ass.

He's doing this to make you
a better human being.

f*cking Dennis.

Hey, Mallory, um, hi.

- Hi.
- Sorry. I, first of all,

- sorry for how weird that was in there.
- Oh please.

I talk to a lot of comedy rooms
and that was nothing.

Yeah, the Simpsons writers
just looked down

and giggled the whole time.

Oh yeah.

Elaine, hey.

Zack, hey.

It was really cool today seeing
you up there on those wires.

I've done wire work before,

when I broke into
the dean's office in my movie

Admissions Impossible.

So listen, I, uh, I kind of sorta, um,

I hope this isn't inappropriate.

I have a question that
I wanna ask you... once.


Yeah, um, so.

Uh, god, I'm so bad at this, uh...

Hannah, I'd love to go out.

Yeah, so now you have your one ask left.

Um, cool, okay, great,
that's amazing.

Yeah. Well, I gotta warn you,
if there is a second date,

we'd have to sign corporate consent forms.

Oh well get those forms ready.

So earlier when I mentioned
going to that movie,

I was sorta trying to ask you something,

but I'm not sure you heard
what I was trying to...


I can't go out with you.



No misunderstanding that.

I really appreciate you asking though.

But you don't like me like that?

No, I...

I just really like my job.

Nobody ever thinks twice
when a male exec dates an actress,

but if I started dating
an actor from my first show,

no one would ever take me seriously.

- That's not fair.
- It's definitely not fair.

It's true.

So, um, how's Saturday night.

Yeah, that's, that's great.

Looking forward to it.

Oh, so are they.

Wow, okay, I'll see you then.

Yep, see you then.


I'm really sorry, Zack.

Yeah, me too.

Hey, Jer?

How's it hangin'?

I think I inverted one of my nuts.

The good one.

Well, have fun with that, sunshine.


Look, I'm not good at this stuff.

And I have a lot of people
I need to apologize to,

which is pretty f*ck' overwhelming

for a guy who's not good
with feelings and sh*t.

But... if I cost you an Emmy

or even if I just made your job harder

by being a selfish assh*le,

I'm really sorry, Jerry.

You're a good guy and you deserve better.

That was perfect.

Moving on.

- Yeah?
- That one felt real.

And I know from years
of personal experience,

you're not that good of an actor.


All right, good day,
let's get outta here.


- Hey.
- Is everything all right?

Yeah, yeah,
I just, I wanted to apologize

for being a d*ck this morning.

It's just the play,
it's really stressing me out.

Oh, I bet, I mean,
you're doing so much.

Yeah, I mean, I, I trust you.

I know nothing's going on.

Well, I really appreciate that.

And I, I just, I, I miss you.

I miss you too, Nora.

I love you, bye.

Hey, there she is.

- Oh!
- You look nice.

- Hey, so do you.
- Thanks.


would you k*ll me if I canceled tonight?

I'm just not hungry.

Oh yeah, uh, no problem.

I was... I was actually
gonna say the same thing.

Oh great.

- So, uh...
- All right, well, I'm gonna...

- Oh yeah, yeah.
- ...work on my lines then for tomorrow.

I should too, and if I get hungry,
I can always break into the mini-fridge

and get one of those $40 caramel corns.

Reed... this was nice.

What was?

Remembering that we
used to have fun together.

Yeah, yeah, we definitely did.

Thank you.

Although it is going to make me crazy

that we never figured out
who those people are.

You know what, it's probably for the best,

because it's never gonna be as interesting

- as you think it is anyway.
- Wait, what the f*ck, what the f*ck?

What are, are they getting arrested?

Open the door, open the door!

I'm trying!

Excuse me, is this seat taken?

Oh, no.

Zack, is that you?

I had no idea you'd be here.

No reason two coworkers who
randomly bumped into each other

can't enjoy a night at the cinema.

This is a nice coincidence.

Hey guys, it's me, Dennis.


You can't tell anyone about this.

Don't worry.
My lips are sealed.

♪ Ha, ha, ha ♪
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