(BEEPING)
That's another store I can't go back to.
Cheryl, that guy had items.
When I feel like my liberties are threatened,
I jump on it.
Jim, you don't count each can in a six-pack.
In my world, you do.
Did you and Daddy get us scooters?
No, honey, we went to the grocery store.
The one next to the scooter store?
I told you, no scooters till Christmas.
But then we have to wait.
And we don't want to wait.
Scooters!
BOTH: Scooters! Scooters! Scooters!
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
What's with this attitude here, huh?
Where do you think the money comes from?
The machine at the bank.
You put your card in and push ---.
How do you know my code?
You move your lips when you do it.
Mmm-hmm.
Look, girls, it may be okay for your mother
to sit around the house all day looking pretty,
but it's not going to work for you.
You know, girls, it's true.
Not everyone can have my fairy tale life.
Here's your hemorrhoid medicine. Ooh, thanks.
Huh. Brand name.
You haven't given me a raise in three years,
but you're buying the good stuff.
All right, girls, look.
If you want a scooter so bad,
you're just going to have to find a way to earn the money.
You understand?
Okay.
Aunt Dana, will you give us money
so we can buy scooters?
Get up. Get up.
You know, girls, when I was your age,
I made money by taking dares on the playground.
I'd eat all sorts of stuff.
Dirt, worms.
The occasional booger.
Thank you.
Long story short,
the stomach pump guy at the emergency room
suggested a lemonade stand.
Can we do a lemonade stand?
Yeah. Yes, that's a good idea.
Yeah, yeah, that sounds good. Sure.
Yay! Yay!
I'll go make lemonade.
GRACIE: We can make a sign.
RUBY: And we'll charge $ a glass.
Boogers, huh?
Tastes like chicken.
(INAUDIBLE)
JIM: Oh, baby!
Oh, honey,
would you look at them? They're so cute,
setting up their first business.
If this works,
I say we blow their college fund on an RV.
Oh.
Okay, we're open. Lemonade, cents.
(LAUGHS)
Go inside.
What? No, honey, I'm your first customer.
I'd like a lemonade, please.
Fifty cents.
Aren't you thirsty, Daddy?
It's my lemonade. I'm not buying it twice.
Oh.
I'll take a cup.
Fifty cents.
I know, I know, I know. cents, cents.
Aw!
JIM: Oh, crap. The Driscolls.
Jim, be nice. I swear to God...
I am not going to be nice...
Hey!
Look who it is. It's Janice, Wallace, and Jules.
Jim.
Driscoll.
Oh, this is just darling.
Just like a Norman Rockwell painting.
Aren't they cute?
And look at your Jules. He's growing like a weed. Mmm-hmm.
Speaking of weeds, Jim, it seems like you have
a little bit of grass poking up between yours.
(MOCK LAUGHING) Very funny.
You here to talk, or to buy?
Daddy, let us do it.
You here to talk, or to buy?
Well! (LAUGHS) We'd like three lemonades, please.
Oh, thank you.
Well, Cheryl, you were always good to our Julie here,
when he sold sliced fruit door to door.
Thank you, Mr. Driscoll.
Oh, and so polite.
But it's Dr. Driscoll.
Daddy said feet doctors aren't real doctors.
Well, my luxury sedan's real enough.
Hmm.
Well, this is awfully refreshing.
Fresh-squeezed?
Actually, it's a powdered mix.
Well, you can't tell the difference.
Well, good luck, girls.
Julie, you don't have to finish it if you don't like it.
You need to stir it more,
unless you're going for chunky style.
Hey.
Thank you for that tip, Julie.
I got a tip for you.
When you get into high school,
change your name to "Kick me"!
(LAUGHING)
Mommy, let us do it.
Oh, okay, yes, of course.
(STUTTERING) But, honey, use the spoon,
not your fingers, promise?
Go already! We know, we know!
(BOTH YELLING)
We're gone, we're gone, we're gone.
No, no, that's it! Give me it!
Give me it! Give me it! Give me it!
Okay! Give me it.
Mmm, mmm!
That is some good lemonade.
Oh, Andy, that is so sweet.
Thank you for supporting the girls.
Yeah.
I tasted their lemonade.
Or at least tried to.
Then I saw Jules Driscoll next door
selling real fresh-squeezed lemonade.
(CHERYL GASPS)
What?
Yep. It's like he's captured the taste of summer.
Andy, how could you do that?
I mean, these are your nieces.
You should be ashamed of yourself.
Hey, Mom would have never sent us to the street to hock a mix.
Why would the Driscolls do something like that?
'Cause they're no good, Cheryl.
I told you that the day they moved in.
No, no, the day they moved in, you told me they were spies.
Well, he still hasn't explained the ham radio.
But he's going to explain this!
Hey, check it out.
They gave me a Lemon Jules card.
Buy five, get one free.
Andy!
That's all right. I'm in their computer.
Thank you for making Lemon Jules
your beverage establishment of choice.
If you have a chance, please fill out our comment card.
(GASPS)
Driscoll!
Come here!
What... What do you think you're doing?
You stole my girls' idea!
I'm sorry, I didn't know you invented
the concept of a lemonade stand.
We're also observing the laws of gravity here today.
Or are those just for you as well?
Oh, oh, I see. You're trying to show me up, huh?
Well, my girls were here first.
You invited competition when you offered an inferior product.
Oh, competition? You want competition?
You got it, buddy!
Oh, hitching up your pants, huh?
Two can play that game.
Okay, I'm a little uncomfortable.
Well, I'm fine.
So I guess I win the pants thing, huh?
JULES: Dad!
Oh, look, I have to refill Jules' lemonade pitcher.
I see no such problem exists on your side of the hedge.
(CHUCKLES)
Yeah, you laugh, Driscoll. Laugh!
Ah!
(GRUNTING)
God!
Girls.
Guess what, girls?
You are going to have the best lemonade stand!
It's gonna be bigger, it's gonna be better, it's gonna be...
More lemony.
Cool!
What should we do?
Go in the house and wait for Daddy to call you.
But we want to help.
Yeah, you had your chance. Come on, go.
Daddy's in charge now!
Wow. Jim!
This stand is going to totally blow Driscoll's out of the water.
Well, it's what I do.
Hey, check out our new sign.
What the hell is this?
It looks like some kid wrote it.
Jim, you forget. I used to be in advertising.
America loves this homespun childhood happiness crap.
Okay.
Hey, Dana, I made up these fliers
and put them up all over the neighborhood.
"Please buy some lemonade. Our grandma is sick."
Andy, what are you thinking?
I know it's not true...
It's also not specific. Grandma has a name.
It's Rose. Wait! Gertie.
And she's not just sick. She needs a new hip.
No, kidney.
Ooh, you're good.
You're aces, kid. Now go. Make.
(HAMMERING)
Hey, Jim,
what happened to the kids' lemonade stand?
Well, I turned it into a lemonade (IN FRENCH ACCENT) experience.
(CHUCKLING) Check it out.
We got coffee drinks, cotton candy,
and chocolate-covered bananas.
And between the hours of : and :,
Lemo the magnificent will be entertaining the kiddies.
How about that?
Where are the girls?
Oh, uh, inside, I guess.
Well, I thought this was to teach them
about hard work and the value of a dollar.
Excuse me, Cheryl, but where have you been
while we were doing all this work?
Kyle has an ear infection.
I had to take him to the pediatrician.
(CLICKING TONGUE) Must be nice.
Okay, here's where we stand.
We can either get a Kn*fe thrower
or a Sweathog from Welcome Back, Kotter.
Horshack? Not available.
Please, give me that phone.
Dana! How'd you get dragged into this?
Cheryl, I'm an advertising professional.
It's like when a doctor drives by an accident scene.
You know, you don't think of yourself.
You just stop and help.
Marilyn, hi.
Hi, Cheryl. What a darling sign. I'll take four glasses.
I'm back.
I'm so sorry to hear about the girls' grandmother.
Yeah, Grandma Rose is one tough old bird.
Gertie. Whatever.
We're keeping our fingers crossed.
Oh!
How much are the chocolate-covered bananas?
(SOBBING) Oh, you know what? I'll take them all.
Twenty bucks, no check.
Dana, Horshack's out, but I got a look-alike.
Yes! Yes!
This is insane. I don't want any part of this.
Fine, fine, fine. Oh, when you see the girls,
tell them it's going great!
Oh, my God.
Knock, knock, knock. Oh, hi.
It's your neighbor with a peace offering.
Oh, Janice, thank you.
Oh, and thank you so much for coming over.
I am at my wit's end.
I don't know what to do about our men.
Oh, I know. They are so competitive.
It's almost like it's about who's got the bigger...
Dot, dot, dot.
(LAUGHING) And if you ask me,
they're acting like a couple of dot, dot, dots.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
That's very funny. Oh!
You know, this happens to Wallace a lot.
People get jealous.
What do you mean?
Well, you know, he's a doctor.
He makes a very good living.
And sometimes that's a problem for people like Jim.
"People like Jim"?
Yeah. You know, blue collar.
Blue collar?
I'll have you know that Jim has been invited to join the Kiwanis Club.
Well, my mistake.
Make sure you say hello to Ben and J. Lo for me.
You know, you know, I think you're forgetting
that we actually had a lemonade stand up first,
so Wallace is actually the one who's jealous. He copied us.
Oh, Cheryl.
(LAUGHING) If he really wanted to copy you,
he would have put out a shabby card table
and served citrus-flavored chemicals.
Oh, oh, oh, oh.
Those chemicals happen to be the official drink
of the WNBA.
Hmm.
And I've seen your card table when we came over to play gin rummy.
Or don't you remember?
(IMITATING GULPING DRINK)
Well, I had to do something to blot out the sight
of your husband sucking the marrow out of a rib!
(GASPS)
Oh, oh, oh, God. So sorry.
Oh, would you look at us? We're acting just like them.
Oh, I know, honey. Let's just... Let's calm down.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
(SCREAMING) My eyes! My eyes!
(SCREAMING CONTINUES)
I can't believe it!
Driscoll's got pony rides now!
Why didn't I think of that?
Relax. He's targeting the wrong demographic.
Pony rides are for -year-olds.
(SIGHING)
That little Applesauce.
What a cutie.
He looked right at me, Jim. Right at me.
Ah!
Cheryl! (LAUGHS) What happened to you?
I got into a bit of a dust-up with Janice Driscoll.
Tell you this. She doesn't look so tall
when I got a fistful of her hair.
Cheryl, haven't I told you
if you were to get into a sexy catfight, to call me?
Well, I'll tell you this.
We are taking back the neighborhood!
Yeah! Right!
Way to jump on board, baby! Yeah!
We're going to bury those Driscolls! Yeah!
Listen, we just need something with a little sizzle.
Sizzle! Sizzle! Okay, I got it. I got it! I got it!
What? We'll, uh, we'll set some old tires on fire.
People will come and they'll stick around for the lemonade.
All right, I'm just spitballing here.
Help me here. I don't know what I'm talking about.
Look. We made a prettier sign for the lemonade stand.
(GASPS)
Yeah, you know, we decided to go another way.
But we want to help.
And you can!
Why don't you girls go upstairs and finish reading Harry Potter?
But it's pages!
Well, then you'd better get going.
Go, go, go! Okay, come on.
All right, here we go. I got a better...
(EXCLAIMING) I got it!
CHERYL: What? JIM: What?
A car wash!
That doesn't have sizzle.
Oh, I think it does.
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)
Please, please, free Internet, free Internet.
Well, well,
look who's come to surf our new cyber-lemonade stand.
Very clever, Jim.
Look, it was a long walk over here,
so let me just say what I have to say.
Game over. You win.
What? Hey, Cheryl, Cheryl, quick!
Come here, come here, come here, come here!
I want my wife to hear that,
but can you say it like you're saying it for the first time?
Cheryl.
Janice.
Found your earring.
How about my tooth?
Still looking.
Your husband won.
Your lemonade stand is better than mine.
Oh! Yay! Yes!
(SIREN BEEPS)
What's that?
Hey there, Officer.
Can I suds up the cruiser for you?
A concerned neighbor filed a complaint.
I'm going to need to see your permit.
Permit?
Yes, a permit is required to operate a temporary commercial business.
What... Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
Are you telling me my kids need a permit to run a lemonade stand?
Well, I see a massage table.
I see some meat sitting out in the sun.
I see some sort of gay p*rn car wash.
But I don't see any lemonade. Or kids.
Dana, help me out here.
Uh, Officer.
(GIGGLING) Isn't there something we can, you know...
Sorry, Jim, she's straight. There's nothing I can do.
Two hundred bucks?
Why... You know what?
This guy needs a ticket, too.
He doesn't have a permit, either.
Or do I?
Yeah, looks good.
There's no violation here.
Officer, can I interest you in some saltwater taffy?
Complimentary, of course.
Mmm-hmm.
So, you're the concerned neighbor, huh?
Oh, I'm not concerned anymore, Jim, 'cause I win.
Oh, in case your wife didn't hear that,
I'll say it again like I'm saying it for the first time.
I win.
God, it makes me hot when you talk like that.
Oh, yeah? Well, two can play at that game.
Oh!
Oh, Cheryl, what a shame
all this food's going to go to waste.
I'll tell you what. I'll give you a nickel for the pie.
Our dogs haven't eaten yet.
Don't worry, Janice.
It's on the house. Hmm.
Andy, Andy, get the camera.
There's going to be a sexy pie fight.
(GROANS)
That's okay, Cheryl. Don't get up. I got it.
I've been sitting here going over and over it in my mind,
trying to figure out how it all went so terribly wrong.
We took over our girls' lemonade stand.
I got into two fights.
I know. I know.
That's what went wrong, you see.
You're the grounded one. We can't both be mad dogs.
One of us has to be the chain. That's you, Cheryl.
Jim, the point was to teach the girls a life lesson,
but instead we shoved them out of the way.
I know, I know.
I'm ashamed of both of us.
It wasn't one of our best days.
No.
But, you know, if you look at the bright side,
you know...
There's no bright side. We just blew it, didn't we? We just really blew it.
Finally.
What, did you take the scenic route?
I saw a hummingbird.
Well, it must have all been worth it, then.
How much money did we make?
Well, let me see.
Of course, there was parts and labor. Yeah.
Then there was the ticket.
Dot, dot, dot. Carry the two.
bucks.
Is that enough to buy scooters?
Well...
Girls, listen.
That's not even close.
I, uh, scooters are really...
Your mother and I will help pitch in. Yeah.
No, we want to make our own money.
Yeah. We want to have another lemonade stand next weekend.
You do?
Really?
That's a great idea. You know what? Yeah.
We're going to do it right this time.
We're going to get the permits first.
We're going to get a real Horshack.
Hey, hey, Jim, Jim, Jim!
Oh, you're right. Yes.
You should do it yourselves.
And we're very proud of you.
We are.
Do we have to finish Harry Potter?
(LAUGHING) No, not today.
No, no, you guys go play. BOTH: Yay!
(JIM LAUGHING)
Oh, I don't believe it.
We acted like jerks
and we still made our kids better people.
Yeah, well,
we're pretty good parents, you know.
Yeah.
Mmm. Oh!
Boy, I don't think I'll ever be able to eat off the plate again.
(LAUGHING)
I think we can forget about this.
I wish I could forget about that.