What do you think? Ah, it's perfect.
You don't want to overdo it with decorations.
I love it.
It's our best work ever.
ALL: Mmm-hmm. Ready, Mommy?
Plug it in, sweetie.
ALL: Ooh!
Oh, he's moving.
Oh, go, go, go.
JIM: Oh, baby!
You'll never guess what I got you. Take a guess.
I don't want to guess. Please.
Good choice, 'cause you'll never guess.
I don't want to guess.
I totally own Christmas.
Dana's gifts aren't going to show me up this year.
Ho, ho, ho, here comes the Christmas train.
Hey, Jim, it's getting a little slippery out there.
You might want to salt the walkway.
No, no, not till after Christmas.
I do it to discourage the carolers.
Yeah, that's in case they miss Jim's snowman giving them the finger.
JIM: Mm-hmm.
Aunt Dana, are those all for me?
Well, you have a brother and sister, too, you know.
But the big one's mine, right?
Calm down, Gracie.
She probably stuffed that package to make it look bigger.
I know that trick.
Aunt Dana always gets us the best stuff.
Excuse me. Who planted a tree in Israel for you last year?
Trust me, you won't be disappointed.
Yay!
Well, well, well.
It looks like Santa got Dana a new credit card this year.
What is that supposed to mean?
Well, she hasn't worked for nine months.
Money doesn't grow on trees.
Haven't you been paying attention to my lectures?
Yeah, Jim, I'm working my way through the cassettes.
I'm still on volume ...
"Children: The Deductible Blessing."
Jim, why would you assume that I have money problems?
I find that kind of insulting.
Well, this isn't exactly PC,
but everybody knows that women can't manage money.
Yeah, yeah, you know,
I saw an interview with Oprah on that...
Filmed on the island she bought.
Well, this woman made good money, and she invested wisely.
All you plan for is your next salty snack.
Now, I find that insulting.
Andy, chip me.
Dana, don't let him get to you with these silly stereotypes.
Come on, throw on an apron. Help me bake some cookies.
This box isn't fooling anybody.
(GRUNTING)
I better get to the toy store.
Oh, don't mind Jim. He's just mad
because I got a pine-scented air freshener
for the bathroom.
"If I wanted to go in the woods,
"I would have married a bear."
(SOBBING)
What's wrong?
Oh, Jim's right. I'm totally broke.
What? Is it that bad?
I mean, I can live.
It's just that I've maxed out all my credit cards.
Do you need money?
No, because I got a new credit card,
just like Jim said.
Oh, honey, I'm so sorry.
Oh, it's a nightmare.
I mean, I got great gifts for the kids,
but I had to skimp out on the rest of you.
Oh, come on.
Everybody's going to understand.
Cheryl, I don't need understanding.
I need to feel like a big sh*t.
God, this is going to be the worst Christmas ever.
When Jim sees those stupid reindeer socks I got him,
he's going to know he was right about me.
Okay, you're putting pepper on the cookies.
Oh...
Okay, look...
Hey, why don't you just put your name
on one of the gifts I got Jim?
Cheryl...
Yeah, take the big red one with the green bow.
Are you sure?
Yes, I'm sure.
And Jim will never find out?
Dana, we're sisters. Sister-sister bond.
This will be between us.
Oh, okay. Thank you.
Oh, honey.
You're welcome.
Well, I should probably apologize in advance
for the stupid oven mitts I got you this year.
I'm sure I'll love them.
Yeah, one's Captain, the other's Tennille.
Oh.
hours of shopping, hours of wrapping.
In seconds,
the kids are off with their plunder like Viking raiders.
(LAUGHING) Well, they'll be back when they get hungry.
Well, the girls really seemed to like the dollhouse I got them.
Yeah, they did.
Best gift ever, I think were the words that they said.
Well, they're kids. They don't know crap about Christmas.
You guys haven't opened my gifts yet.
Oh, looky here, huh?
"To Cheryl from her thoughtful brother."
Aw...
Oh.
Oh, it's a DVD!
The Robe, starring Richard Burton.
Wow, it's... It's so unexpected.
Well, Jim said it was on your wish list.
What?
Andy, you idiot! I said, "Get a DVD or a robe!"
You mumbled 'cause you're always eating.
No, you're not listening to me!
You don't listen to me when I talk anymore!
It's fine, it's fine, it's fine!
You guys, I'll just pop this in
the next time I'm in the mood
for a -hour-and--minute biblical epic.
Let me see what I got here.
CHERYL: Oh.
Wow, this is really cool!
A Chicago Blackhawks Zamboni key chain!
Honey, it's also a whistle.
A whistle? How cool! Ah, thank you, baby.
Okay, yeah, open mine. Mine. Mine.
Okay. Okay, Andy. Okay, Mr. Christmas.
Oh, wow, look at that.
An electric football game.
This is one like I had when I was a kid.
Please, Jim, you're embarrassing me with all the gushing.
Now, you know, I know it's no oven mitts,
or say, reindeer socks, but enjoy.
Oh, thank you, Andy.
How's that taste, sweetheart?
Why don't you get the gift you got for Jim?
Ooh, yes. Dana's gift.
I look forward to it all year.
Here, this is from me.
No, Dana, that's not the gift you got Jim.
No, it says "From Dana to Jim."
No, no. Let me guess.
This is a gift certificate to a bookstore?
Joke's on you, baby. They sell p*rn there now.
No, Dana, this is the gift you got...
Oh, my God!
This is an -game pack of tickets
for the Chicago Blackhawks.
These are impossible to get!
Dana...
You got these for me?
After all the things I said to you yesterday?
Yep.
Merry Christmas.
Oh, merry Christmas, Dana!
Merry Christmas!
You know, I think the coffee's ready.
Dana, can you help me? Sure.
Oh, my God. Cheryl, can you believe it?
No! No, I can't.
Oh, Cheryl, I am so sorry.
I told you to put your name on the big shiny red package with the green bow.
It was a Shower CD.
I was going to, but I felt bad taking the big gift,
so I just put my name on the smallest one.
I thought it was some crappy gift certificate!
By the way, thank you for the gift certificate.
Dana! I had a whole hockey theme
leading up to those tickets.
I had the Blackhawks boxer shorts,
then I had that little tiny hockey stick.
I put more thought into this than naming Kyle.
Well, you still got him the Shower CD.
I mean, he'll use that every couple days.
Crap!
(SIGHS) All right.
Fine, I'll just...
I'll just go in there and I'll tell Jim
the tickets were from you.
It will be his best Christmas present ever.
My life is a total disaster.
Stop. No, wait.
It's not important.
Jim's happy. Everybody's having a great Christmas. I...
No one has to know.
Really?
Sister-sister bond, remember?
Your secret's safe with me.
Oh, my God.
I don't... I don't know how to thank you.
Yeah, well, go in and check on Kyle.
I bet there's a diaper full of thank-yous right there.
Dana, Dana, Dana, check it out. Check it out.
There's two home games this week.
I want you to go with me.
Really? 'Cause, you know,
I bet Cheryl would want to go. Well...
Hello? Hockey fan over here.
No. Dana, Dana, you got me these tickets.
You're coming with me.
Come on, let's go check online
to see where the seats are. Come on.
Merry Christmas!
(MUSIC PLAYING ON TV)
Says here The Robe was the first movie
sh*t in CinemaScope, .
Mmm.
That's fascinating.
Yeah, yeah, isn't it?
You want to hear the director's commentary?
Mmm, sure.
We can't. He's dead.
Ah, damn it!
I should be at that Blackhawks game.
Why couldn't Dana have gotten enough tickets for all of us?
Well, Dana's a very selfish person.
Hey! Hey, did you see it on TV?
What?
At intermission, they called out our seat numbers,
and we went down on the ice!
Yeah. I scored a goal!
Yeah. Yeah. Look what we won.
They're signed by the whole team.
Yeah!
And... And we were sitting so close to the ice,
I actually caught... A tooth!
Oh, Dana, that was... That was fun.
(SIGHS)
Yeah, the tickets were just great.
Yeah, well, anyway... Thank you. Yeah.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Okay, are we still on for Wednesday, Cheryl?
What?
You know, we're gonna do that fun, cool thing
that's better than some stupid hockey game.
Oh, yeah, right.
No.
You know what?
I like her.
What?
Dana. Your sister.
I really like her.
I mean, she was right on the mark
with these hockey tickets.
Oh, please.
No, no, really, she...
She gets me.
No, she doesn't.
Oh, yeah, yeah, she does.
No, no.
Oh, no, no, she really gets me.
No, no, no, she doesn't get you!
I get you!
I am the only person who has ever gotten you,
and you will go to your grave
with me being the only person who gets you!
Well, you may get me,
but all you got me was a whistle.
Jim, Dana didn't get you those tickets. I did!
What?
I told her to put her name on one of my gifts.
Why?
Well...
(SIGHS) Because she's broke.
(LAUGHING)
I knew it!
I knew it! She's broke!
(BRITISH ACCENT) God bless us, everyone!
No, no, you can't say anything.
What do you mean, I can't say anything?
This is gloating country, baby.
I'm getting on the saddle, and I'm riding.
No, no, no, no. Jim! No!
What?
She told me in confidence. I am telling you in confidence.
I already broke the sister-sister bond.
You cannot break the marital bond.
I thought the marital bond
was where I'm not supposed to sleep with another chick.
I mean, yeah, that's the one that gets all the press,
but there's also honoring each other's secrets.
Oh, Cheryl, you and your secrets!
What? You keep secrets all the time.
No, I don't. I lie. That's totally different.
What? I can't keep a story straight
unless I invent it myself.
Jim, for me. This is important.
Ah, Cheryl.
All right, all right, but you know, I'm just a simple man.
I can only keep one marital bond at a time.
I'll keep your secret, so I don't want you flipping out
if you hear about me in the sack with Meg Ryan.
Okay? Well, that's only fair.
Okay.
He's at the ...
He's at the ...
He's at the ...
And now he's going in circles...
And the touchdown! Look at that!
End zone! Game over!
What are you doing?
I'm tired of playing.
Oh.
Okay. Yeah. No problem.
You're probably just tuckered out
because you've been to eleventy billion hockey games
with your best friend Dana!
Oh, come on, will you stop with the Dana stuff?
No, no, no, no, Jim. No. She stole Christmas from me
with her expensive gifts for you and the girls.
And all I got were these crappy reindeer socks.
Just looking at my feet pisses me off.
Well, why don't you stand up, and you'll never see 'em.
See ya.
Where you going?
Over to Dana's.
I'm gonna rub these right in her face.
Oh, come on... In fact,
I'm gonna put them down the back of my pants for the ride over.
Andy, you can't do that.
No. I did it once with a shirt
an ex-girlfriend gave me.
Sends a pretty strong message.
No, no, Andy, Andy... No, no, Andy... No. No.
You can't go into Dana's face like that.
Dana is off limits. Oh...
No, no. I mean it.
Off limits.
Oh, my God!
What?
You really do like her better!
Oh...
All right, listen.
You got to promise you're not going to say anything to anybody.
Cheryl bought me those tickets
and let Dana put her name on it because she's...
She's broke.
No, no. No, no, no, no, no, Andy!
I knew it!
(BRITISH ACCENT) Oh, God bless us, everyone!
No, Andy, Andy...
Ah, this is sweet.
No, Andy, you can't say anything to her! You can't!
Are you kidding me?
Jim, this is revenge for all those times
she gave me wedgies and purple nurples
and told all her hot friends I was gay!
Oh, Andy, I understand. It's k*lling me, too,
but you can't, because I just broke the marital bond.
You slept with another chick?
I thought that's what it meant, too,
but apparently it includes keeping your wife's secrets.
And I'm only telling you
because I'm protected by the guy-guy bond.
That's it.
Damn! The guy-guy bond.
That's right.
Ah, this feels so weird.
Of course, it could be the reindeer socks.
RUBY AND GRACIE: ... ... ... ...!
Happy New Year!
(BLOWING NOISEMAKERS)
Ah, girls, girls, girls, okay, come on.
This is the fourth time I've asked you to stop.
It's not New Year's yet.
It's only :.
Isn't it New Year's somewhere?
Yes.
On Monster Island,
where we may move if you don't knock it off.
CHERYL: Okay.
All right, I'm going to go get dessert.
Oh, I'll help you.
Ooh, I want dessert.
Hey, Jim. Yeah?
What do you say after dinner
we throw down some cognac and ring in the New Year
with some electric football?
Uh, no.
Wow. That's good champagne.
Yeah, you think I'm going to let Jim
make a toast with that swill he got at the yard sale?
But don't say anything.
Oh, your secret's safe,
especially after what you did for me.
Thanks again.
It wasn't that much.
Are you kidding me? You got him this great gift,
and you can't take any credit for it.
Yeah, yeah, it's no big deal.
No, it must be k*lling you to keep it inside.
You know, I think I'm going to get started
on this right now.
You're the best.
Okay, that's enough!
Hey.
Thanks a lot, Gracie.
So, you girls really like the dollhouse, huh?
Yeah. There's a lamp on the table
that really lights up.
Aw...I'm so glad you guys like it.
Uh, how about the walkie-talkies I gave you?
Pretty cool, huh?
We took the batteries out to make the lamp light up.
Well, when you guys fall down a well,
at least you can call for help
with your precious dollhouse!
Andy, they just prefer the dollhouse.
What are you going to do?
I don't know.
I guess if I wanted everyone to say
how great Andy is, I should have just
put my name on the dollhouse, huh?
(GASPS)
(GASPS)
Oh, my God.
Cheryl told you!
I don't know what you're talking about.
And even if I did, I wouldn't betray Jim's confidence.
(GASPS)
Jim knows?
And Cheryl told him. That's all I'm saying.
I cannot believe Cheryl told...
I am going to clean her clock.
No, no! Are you crazy?
Jim and I got a guy-guy bond.
If he finds out I rolled over on him,
my life ain't worth a damn out on that street.
I promise I'll let him bury you in your reindeer socks.
No!
Oh, Andy!
Hey.
(SCREAMING)
(LAUGHING SARCASTICALLY)
Cheryl, I can't believe you told...
(ANDY GRUNTING)
Tell me she wasn't carrying the pie.
Cheryl, you swore you wouldn't blab
about the hockey tickets!
Jim! Andy!
Dana! Cheryl!
I trusted you, and you told Jim everything!
Dana...
No, you know what? That's fine.
Let's just have a big laugh at the loser.
Yeah, I don't have a job,
I maxed out my credit cards,
and I'm even thinking seriously
of moving to Florida to live with Mom,
which is my version of Monster Island!
Happy freaking New Year!
BOTH: Yay!
Oh, no, no, no, Dana, Dana, no.
Dana, wait a minute.
Girls, girls, it's not New Year's yet.
Not New Year's. Dana, Dana, Dana, you can't go.
Why not? Because... Because...
Because I... I like you, and I want you here.
Come here. Come on.
I'll tell you why.
Because... Because we're all here, and...
And Cheryl would like to apologize.
Oh. Oh, Dana,
I am so sorry.
I should never have betrayed your confidence.
That was wrong.
But, you know, it all started
because I was trying to protect you.
Right. And you see, that's where our mistake was.
We were trying to protect you.
And you know what?
We shouldn't protect each other from each other.
I mean, we're family here,
and if we can't talk to each other
about what's really going on, then...
I mean, what's the point?
We're just coming home and saying,
"Where's the remote? We need cheese."
Look, I want everyone to raise their glass,
make a toast to Dana. Oh...
No, listen, I know I'm a charming guy,
and I could probably say a lot of great things
about you, because I have a way with, um...
Words. Words.
But I think everybody should say one word
that describes Dana,
like...
Loving. Loving.
Strong.
Beautiful.
Dollhouse.
Forgiving.
Ooh. Tenacious.
Talented. Yes. Stylish.
There you go. Smart.
Embarrassed.
Crying.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
I got one.
How about...
Family?
ALL: Family.
(SNIFFLING)
You see, Dana,
you didn't hear us use one word like job,
or money or rich or poor.
No, 'cause, honey, that has nothing to do
with who you are or how we see you.
Wow.
Thanks. I really needed to hear that.
But you know what?
I think next year is going to be my year.
And if I do need to talk to anyone,
I know who I can turn to.
Attagirl.
You know what I think we really learned this year?
What?
Is that the girls really liked my dollhouse
better than Andy's walkie-talkies.
(LAUGHING)
I knew it. You just couldn't let it go, could you?
I'm tenacious.
Anyone else want to kick me when I'm down?
Oh, I got to tell you, I didn't really care
for that football game. It was a little lame.
Well, I got a DVD of The Robe.
An Academy Award winner!
Walkie-talkies are for nerds, just like you.
Oh, okay. You're the nerd.