Well, I hope you had a nice nap.
(YAWNS)
You know, you missed a really good sermon.
Hey, first page of the Bible, my dear, day of rest.
And I'll see you next Sunday.
Thank you. Okay.
Cheryl, hello. Hi, Reverend. Hello.
How are you? Great.
Jim, hey, what are you doing here?
The pancake breakfast isn't until next Sunday.
Oh, well, I got a big bowling tournament coming up,
and I wanted to know if you'll bless Rolling Thunder for me.
No, no, Reverend, look, you don't have to.
No, no, no, no. That's fine.
This is all part of the job.
You know, I've blessed hamsters,
I've blessed lottery tickets, and, um,
I don't want to get too graphic,
but Mr. Anderson's finally going to be a dad.
Ooh, I know what this is. This is the Ebonite
with reactive resin shell, yes.
Oh, good.
You bowl, Reverend Pierson?
Oh, yeah, sure.
A lonely teen need not turn to dr*gs and promiscuity
when there's an empty lane available.
Hey, can you do mine, too?
(LAUGHS)
Okay, shall we bow our heads?
Yes. (CLEARS THROAT)
Dear Lord, we ask you to bless these spheres for your glory.
May they roll true,
commensurate with the skills
of these men, your servants.
Amen.
Oh, that's great. Amen.
Thank you very much. You know what?
If Satan shows up as a tenpin this week,
he's in trouble.
Well, I think that's pretty unlikely, but okay, fine, sure.
Hey, Jim, on the way home,
just to be safe, let's take these over to Temple Beth Israel.
You know, we should stop at the airport, too,
give those Hare Krishnas a whack at 'em, you know?
Can't be too safe.
Reverend Pierson, will you bring our kitty back to life?
Oh, sweetie, I'm sorry. No, I can't do that.
I'm not Jesus.
Who?
All right, that's it. No more coloring in church.
Go, go, go.
Dana, can I talk with you for a moment, please?
Oh, I'm sorry. I know it was wrong.
But honestly, I can color and listen at the same time.
No, no. It's not that. Um...
Are you free for lunch tomorrow?
Uh, yeah.
Great. Okay. It's a date, then.
: at Antonio's. Terrific.
Um, sure, but... Hey, kids,
kids, that's a collection plate, not a Frisbee.
See you then.
Dana, what was that all about?
(GASPS)
He asked you to chair the bake sale, didn't he?
Because your brownies were so popular!
Crap! I knew nut clusters were a risk.
Cheryl, the Reverend asked me out.
Shut up!
(STAMMERING) Is what Mary said when the angel told her she was with child.
JIM: Oh, baby!
Ah, Beltzman, come on. Give me one good reason
why you can't bowl in the tournament.
Oh, he did?
Oh, I'm sorry.
Well, uh, don't you think helping me
win the bowling tournament would be a great way
of honoring your father's memory?
Hello? Hello?
We're a man short.
Beltzman's father d*ed.
Man, why does everything bad always happen to us?
Always!
I can't believe I'm getting hit on at church now.
I hate being beautiful.
"Oh, wah! I'm Dana.
"I haven't paid for a drink since !"
(LAUGHING)
Wait a minute. It's not funny.
We have to deal with getting hit on all the time.
Yeah, I know. Just because our family was blessed
with perfect bone structure.
CHERYL: Yeah.
Well, the women.
Aren't there any guys who actually see me for who I am?
Oh.
Look, Dana, honey, you just got to be honest.
You got to tell Reverend Pierson
that you don't see him that way.
You just want to be friends.
Well, Dana, I got to tell you.
You know, I think the best approach is honesty.
I mean, in my day, I would take a girl out to dinner,
and I would turn to her and say,
"Look, don't take it personally,
"but I'm just looking for someone
"a little more attractive than you are."
And if I timed it right, I got two desserts!
Oh. Oh!
Oh, jeez. I'm so sorry, sir.
Oh, no, that's okay. Uh, you're forgiven.
See, now I can write this whole thing off.
See, because I'm a minister.
(LAUGHS)
I think you'd find it funny if I was wearing my collar.
I guess that's...
(CLEARS THROAT) Oh, hey.
Listen, sit down.
(SIGHS)
We can't do this.
It's not you.
You're a really, really great guy,
and, you know, looking around the church on Sunday,
I can see why you singled me out.
(LAUGHS)
But we have a great relationship as friends.
And I would love to have lunch with you.
I'll even let you pay.
It's just... I want to be clear
from the very beginning
that this is in no way a date.
Okay?
Wow.
Uh, jeez.
Well, this is awkward.
Yeah. I know.
No, I mean for you.
(LAUGHING)
What? This isn't a date!
No, I asked you here to meet my friend Kitson
about a job at her ad agency.
Oh.
Oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed.
Can we just keep this between the two of us?
No, we can't.
You believe it? She thinks I was asking her out.
Okay. I'm not...
Entirely sure if he speaks English.
Anyway, I am so sorry. I totally misunderstood.
Oh, no, no. No, that's fine.
You know, I'm sure you get hit on all the time, I guess.
Yeah, I do.
I'm sure you do, too.
I heard the ladies in the choir talking about you.
Oh, yeah.
You know, I'm just living The Thorn Birds every day.
Oh, here she is. Hey.
Hi, Reverend. Hi. How are you?
And you must be Dana.
Hi. Hi.
You know, I half expected to see wings,
the way the Reverend talks about you.
Oh. Really? What did he say?
Well, I just... I told her the truth.
That you're a very talented, very wonderful,
gifted woman and that you...
You're very special.
You know how sometimes
when you're talking to someone and you feel like
they're the most interesting person in the whole world?
Yeah.
Well, when you talk to someone,
you make them feel like they're
the most interesting person in the whole world.
And, you know, that's stuff...
You can't find that on a resume.
Mmm, that's so true.
Now, I'm sure you think he finds
the goodness in everybody,
but let me tell you something about this one.
He can be quite catty.
Apparently, there's some guy named Jim
who doodles in the hymnal...
Let's order. This is very good here.
Come on, let's see what's...
So, Dana, are you interested?
Yeah, I'm interested.
I'm very interested.
Deviled eggs!
That would be funny if I ordered deviled eggs.
(ALL LAUGHING)
It wasn't a date?
No. It turns out he was just trying to get me a job.
But now I think I like him.
I mean, I think I like him a lot.
Oh, you had wine, didn't you?
No!
No, I am just saying this is the kindest,
most selfless thing any man has ever done for me.
It's like now I know what they mean
when they talk about inner beauty.
Although a few sit-ups wouldn't k*ll him.
Oh.
I think I might have blown it
when I told him I would never, ever go out with him.
No, no, no, no. We can fix this.
No, look, all we need is a no-pressure situation
where we can force things to happen naturally.
Yes. Yes.
Yeah, Beltzman.
Yeah, it's Jim. I'm just checking in.
So tell me, when's the funeral?
Ah, same day as the tournament, huh?
So, what time do you think the funeral will be wrapped up?
Beltzman?
Damn!
You know what? If I knew it was going to be that hard
to find a fourth bowler, I would have made more friends.
That's it! That's it!
Jim, you need a bowler.
Dana, you need to spend more time with Reverend Pierson.
Solution, bowling double date.
Oh. Oh, my God, it's perfect.
He won't even know it's a date.
Are you kidding me? I don't want to hang out with that guy.
It's bad enough I got to see him once a year in church.
Come on, Jim.
Don't you want to see our little Dana happy?
Eh...
I just can't believe
all the places you've done missionary work.
So, where'd you go after Africa?
Uh, that would be the Amazon.
Yeah. You know, I miss it sometimes.
Until I remember the ants that carried off my boom box.
(LAUGHS)
JIM: Hey, Pierson, you warm up first.
The gutters need cleaning out.
(LAUGHING)
Okay, I know what that is.
That's called trash talking, right?
Uh-huh, yeah.
Okay. Well, right back at ya.
Okay. Your mama is...
Is what? What's my mama? What's my mama?
You know, I don't really know her,
so it's probably not fair for me to say.
Uh-huh.
Jim, Dana and Reverend Pierson are starting to connect.
Don't ruin it.
Here's the problem, Cheryl. What?
You don't want me to ruin things,
but you ask me to come along.
Oh.
Oh!
You'll never do that again.
Lucky.
Oh, God!
Good night, nurse!
That's three strikes in a row!
That's a turkey! Oh, my God!
You know, your trash talk may suck,
but you are a hell of a bowler, Pierson.
That was incredible!
Hey, do you want to go get a cup of coffee
and talk about how incredible you are?
Yeah, yeah, that's really nice, really nice,
but why don't you make it pizza
and get enough for all of us? Go on. Go, go, go.
Good job, man. That was really good.
Jim! What are you doing? What do you mean?
This whole evening is supposed to be
about getting Dana and Reverend Pierson together
and letting love blossom.
Yeah, but that was until I found out
what a great bowler he is.
You know, with Pierson,
we actually have a chance at the Kowalski Cup.
Oh, honey, come on.
They fill it full of chili.
Great. I'll load up on scented candles.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. You do that.
Hey, Pierson, Pierson.
Welcome to the team.
You are now a Ball Master.
(LAUGHING)
Yeah, I'm sorry, Jim.
I just can't be a Ball Master. Sorry.
Well, Andy came up with the name.
It was either this or Strike Force Sexy.
Well, that's not the problem.
It's that the heavenly father
has blessed me with the ability to bowl,
and it would be a sin for me to use that to vanquish another.
Hot wings and beer after the game.
How spicy? Stop it! I'm all right.
Stop it!
Come on, Pierson, Pierson, look.
You know what? Dana comes to all the games.
Yeah, so?
What do you mean, so? She is so into you, man.
Oh, really? Yeah!
(CHUCKLES) Okay. Come on!
Well, that's very interesting, Jim,
because at lunch yesterday,
Dana made a very specific point
of saying she is not now, nor would she ever, be interested in me.
Oh, come on. Girls are goofy that way.
Trust me.
Oh, please.
Trust me, she is totally into you, man.
Jim, stop it.
Come on, you know guys like me don't get women like her.
What are you talking about?
You don't remember me in school?
Do you remember my girlfriend Annika Shoemaker?
Annika Shoemaker?
Yeah. Short hair, legs like an oak tree, no English.
That was a chick?
Jeez.
All right, I'll tell you what.
We'll make a little bet.
If I can prove to you that Dana digs you,
you'll bowl in the tournament.
(SCOFFS) Yeah, okay, prove it, Jim.
Dana, tell Pierson you got a crush on him!
(MUFFLED) Oh, my God, Jim,
I can't believe you just said that! I'm gonna k*ll you!
Go on, go on.
Jim, what the hell was that?
What... I was letting love blossom.
You don't make love blossom the same way
you order a hot dog at a ball game.
Ah, come on, what do you know?
Sit down with me and make out with me.
Come here.
So, you really do?
Yes. I'm mortified at how it just came out.
No. You're mortified? I'm sweating like a pig.
Oh, my God, that's a really stupid thing for me to say.
(LAUGHING) Sorry. No, that's not stupid.
You are sweating like a pig.
Okay.
Pizza?
Yeah. That's a nice start.
Okay.
Oh, I just can't believe it.
I know. That is so sweet.
No, no.
Annika Shoemaker was a chick!
You look so hot in this jacket I bought you.
You know, I would never have bought this for myself,
but I have to admit, I am quite a dish, aren't I?
Mmm-hmm.
Mmm.
(GROANS)
What's wrong?
Well, nothing.
It's so nice. I'm just...
I'm so scared I'm gonna wake up kissing my pillow.
(LAUGHS)
Okay, honey, keep those lips on ice.
I got a little thing I got to do.
Hey, hot lips, how you doing, huh?
Doing okay.
Are you ready to bowl?
Ooh, you bet.
Those pins are gonna go down like Christians in the Coliseum.
(ALL LAUGHING)
Hey.
Wam, foom.
All right.
(KISSES BALL) See you later.
Ah. It's good I got that one out of my system early, huh?
(CHUCKLING)
What'd you do to him, you succubus?
Me? Nothing!
Hey, this next one's a strike, honey.
Okay, yeah. All right.
And one, two, three, four, five.
What? I can't believe this!
Before the two of you got together,
he was a bowling machine.
Now he couldn't hit the floor if he fell!
Are you saying this is my fault?
Yes! You made him weak!
You guys are crazy. There's nothing wrong with him.
Oh! (YELLS)
Sorry. My bad. My bad.
Hey, hey, hey.
Guess who was first on the scene
for an overturned produce truck?
Jim! What?
How could you?
You're always telling me to eat more fruit.
No! Reverend Pierson broke up with Dana,
and you told him to!
I did not!
Oh, please. You accused me of making him a bad bowler!
All he cares about is winning this stupid tournament!
Yeah! Is some stupid trophy more important than my sister?
When it's filled with chili, it is.
I had nothing to do with this! Nothing! I didn't say anything!
Nothing crossed between me and Pierson!
I said nothing, nothing, nothing!
Yeah, you know, that denial would carry a lot more weight
if you weren't surrounded by accident-scene produce.
Oh.
Thanks for ruining my life, jerk!
Oh. Jim, come on.
I don't know what happened,
but you've got to fix this.
Look at her. She's a wreck.
All right, we'll send her a fruit basket.
Jim.
Oh, come on! Don't look at me like that.
Okay.
I'll talk to Pierson.
But will you do me a favor?
Will you put a tape in the VCR?
Because if this accident's on the news,
I'm gonna definitely be on TV!
Pierson! Oh!
Pierson.
What are you doing here?
I've been looking for you.
I went down to the church,
and one of your henchmen told me you were here.
They're not henchmen, Jim.
They're called deacons.
All I know is they look mean.
Hey, look, can I ask you a question?
Did you break up with Dana because of something I said?
No, of course not.
Why would I listen to anything you say?
Thank you!
Listen, will you do me a favor,
and will you tell Dana that?
Okay? She's in the car right now.
What?
It's okay, I left the window open. Come on.
My God, you're one strike away from a perfect game!
You got your mojo back!
Yeah, that's right.
The pins have fallen, just like all my hopes for finding somebody.
If you're so heartbroken over this,
why did you break up with her in the first place?
Because I was too happy.
What?
Well, she was screwing everything up.
You know, the other day, I was sitting with Mrs. Nolan
and I was listening to her talk about her old, sick husband,
and I just kept thinking to myself,
"Come on, sister, move it along.
"I got a date with Dana."
Well, come on, can't you help people
and be with Dana at the same time?
She's just so hot!
Oh.
She's got me all nervous.
I mean, I'm not supposed to be with a woman like that.
Come on, doesn't Cheryl have like a pudgy sister with low self-esteem?
Kinda.
But it's Andy.
Look...
Look...
Do me a favor, will you?
Will you please just go talk to Dana?
Come on, she's sitting in the car being all crabby and...
And cold.
Oh!
I'm good.
I tried to use the heater, but you took the keys.
Yeah, well, I got a back seat full of fruit. I didn't want it to spoil.
Go on. (MUTTERING)
Go on. Talk to her.
You know, Jim, if Dana and I get back together again,
then I'll be no good for your tournament, so I don't...
I know, I know, I know, I know.
Look, there's gonna be lots of other trophies.
I mean, next month they got one
that's a Viking hat that they fill with ham.
Go on and speak with her.
Just talk to her.
Hey. Hey.
Do you want to go get a cup of coffee?
Yeah. I do.
I don't know what to say here.
The thing you have to know about me is I'm an idiot.
That's a good start.
Hey, hey, hey, check it out!
This guy's a strike away from a perfect game!
Right here!
That's right.
And I got the ball.
Yep!
You say "How do you do it?"
I'll tell you how. Hard work, discipline, no shortcut to victory.
Hey, you know, if you do roll a perfect game,
they put your name up on the wall,
and you get free beer for a month.
Ah, do-over! Do-over! Do-over!
Sweaty hands! I had sweaty hands! That's a do-over!
It's a do-over!