DANA: That's the lasttime we let the girlspick the restaurant.
I know.The food was greasy,
the servicewas terrible.
Hey, if you canfind another place
where seven peoplecan eat for under $,
be my guest.
All I know,the maze on the backof the placemat
was impossible.
Show-off.
(BOTH EXCLAIM)
(LAUGHS) Danny, Laraine!
Why, you scaredthe hell out of us.
Good.
Yeah. Sometimesthat's the only wayto teach a lesson.
This house is soeasy to break into.
You might as wellput up a sign,"m*rder us in our beds."
Hi, kids.
BOTH: Hi, Uncle Danny!
Did youbring us anything?
I sure did.
Crime scene tape.
Secure your bedroom.
Danny, you spoil them. Oh.
You know, they stillplay with thoseevidence bags.
So, people, considerthe following items.
Item number one,
you need protectivevanadium bars onall of these windows.
Item number two,you need to replaceall the batteries
in thesesmoke detectors.
Item three, we atethe banana breadin the fridge.
And we'regetting married.
Oh, my God, you atethe banana bread?
(ALL LAUGHING)
Congratulations!
That's fantastic!
I can't believe it!
She's getting marriedbefore me?
Last year,we all thoughtshe was gay!
Of course,I'm thrilledfor you.
Laraine, youtell me everything.
How did he propose?Was it romantic?
You bet.
Well, we wereat the g*n range,
and Officer Michalskiemptied an entire clip
of . caliberwadcutters
across the torsoof a paper target.
When I reeled itback in,
it spelled out,"Marry me."
Oh!
I know it'skind of cliched.
(LAUGHING)
But I was in the moodand I had my speedloader.
This is great.We got to celebrate.
Oh, wait.There's no banana bread.
Jim, uh... Yes?
I will be needinga best man.
Danny,you did it for me.
I would be honoredto do it for you.
Thank you. Andy, Andy,
go in the garageand get the goodchampagne.
Yes, sir.
Oh, uh,cans or bottles?
Steward's choice.
None for us.We're on duty,
but I'll get some glassesfor everybody else.
Let me show youwhere the glasses are.
Danny, I'm sohappy for you.
Laraine, have youpicked out a dress yet?
No.
Oh, I loveshopping for dresses.
Have you gonecake-tasting?
Negative.
Oh, that is a fun day.
How about flowers?I love flowers.
I love it all.I love it a lot.
Don't make herbeg, Laraine.
Oh!
Cheryl,will you...
Yes, yes, of courseI'll plan your wedding!
Okay, now, the firstthing we need todo is set a date.
A year is customary,but we could probablydo it in six months.
It's this Saturdayat noon.
What? What?A week?
Okay. Oh.Oh, breathe.
Okay. Okay. Oh...
You know what?I can do this.
I've been planningDana's weddingfor years.
I'll justuse the stuffI saved for her.
Yeah, but that'smy wedding stuff.
You can't give hermy wedding.
What are we gonna dowhen I get married?
Well, we'll justjump into ourflying cars
and celebrateThe Cubs' World Series.
Danny, what's the rush?
We're cops.
We live every momentas if it's our last,
and we make split-secondlife-or-death decisions.
Plus, we gota great dealon the cabernet room
at the Hotel Whitsett.
The Whitsett?Man, that is expensive.
Not when you raidan illegal cockfight
and find youngMaster Whitsettgoing out the back door
with a dead chicken.
(INAUDIBLE)
JIM: Oh, baby!
(BAND MUSIC PLAYING)
(EXCLAIMS) That was smokin',Danny. Great.
Yeah!
Not bad, boys.Not bad.
We'll do a little betterat the wedding, right?
Yeah, well,I play betterwith a hangover.
Yeah. (ALL LAUGHING)
Well, listen,you're gonna be playinglike Jimi Hendrix
that night becausefor the bachelor party,
I got the ultimate limo.
It's got a full bar,a disco ball,
and a stripper pole!
Whoo!
Wait a minute.And get this.
The limo pulls over,and the limo driver,she's the stripper!
Oh, yeah!
That's class, baby!
That's class.
You're still never gonnatop the bachelor partyDanny threw for you.
I know.That was unbelievable.
That was it.That was thebachelor party.
Yes, that was epic,
a high-water markin Midwestern adultmale debauchery.
(ALL LAUGHING)
That was quite a night.I don't think I'm really upfor that again in my life.
What are youtalking about?
Well, I was speakingwith my betrothed...
(ALL EXCLAIMING)
(IMITATES WHIP CRACKING)
No, no.Well, now, look.
You know, I mean,Laraine does not want me
participating in partiesof the bachelor variety.
Laraine said that?
And you're gonnastand for that?
She's gonnabe my wife.
Gonna be.
On Saturday.
No, fellas.
Not this time.I don't think so.
Danny, look, if youlay down on this one,
Laraine is gonnawin every battlefrom here on out.
Listen, a bachelor partyis a man's God-given right.
Yeah! Like wearingthe same underwearall week long.
For example. Yeah.
I'll talkto Laraine.
I'm the best man.Come on.
Okay. Next,the cake.
Now, this onehas fondant icing,
frosted rosebuds,and basket weave.
Very classy.
That's, uh,a little girly,isn't it?
A bride is a girl.
I mean,I just don't get it.
How are youeven qualifiedto get married?
Uh...
A man asked me.
I'll be in the other room.
Laraine. Laraine.
What's this aboutno bachelor party?
Well, I just feelthat it's an opportunity
for a man to get drunkand behave badly,
and then show upat his weddingthe next day
hung overand ruin everything.
Well, that soundsjust like...
Cheryl.
I didn't sayhe ruined everything.
Just the reception. (EXCLAIMS)
What are you talking about?Our wedding was perfect.
Jim, you were so hung over,you had to sit downduring our first dance.
Oh, come on,they put me in a chairand danced me around.
It was likea Jewish wedding.
Look, look,this is notthat big a deal.
If Danny wantsa bachelor party...
No, no, no, no.Laraine,
a wild bachelorparty is a bad idea.
Cheryl, no, no, no, no.You are wrong, Cheryl.
A bachelor partyis a sacred rite.
It's a milestonein a man's life.
Come on, it's justan excuse to getdrunk and see boobs.
No man needs anexcuse to do that.
Jim, if I might...
(SPUTTERING)No, no. No, no.
No. Yeah,yeah, but...
(BOTH SPUTTERING)
Bop!
I'm workinghere, Danny.I'm working here.
Jim, no, no, no.Let the man speak.
Oh, fine, fine.We'll let him speak.
Danny, speak.
Do you want to havea bachelor party? Yes.
Laraine, did you want himhung over at your wedding?
No. Danny, youwant to have fun?
Yes! With naked women?
You know, last nightsomeone took a shotat me in a cr*ck house.
I felt more comfortablethen than I do now.
Look, men needa bachelor party.
It's the waywe send offone of our own.
It's the last opportunityfor brothers to get togetherand say, "I feel like a man."
Oh.
Yeah, that'swhat it's about.
Yes! Not alcoholor strippers?
No, absolutely not!
Oh, please!
Oh... Look,I can throw onekick-ass party
for my best friendhere with no boozeand no broads.
And it's going to bethe best party ever!
(SINGING KEVIN BERRY)
So, how's thatharvest bran muffin?
Oh. Quite tasty,actually.
And it reallymoves things along.
Can it movethis party along?
(GROANS)This really blows.
I'm sorry, Danny.I don't knowwhat I was thinking.
What are youtalking about?
You really tried hard,and I appreciate that.
Oh. Thank you, partner.
This stinks.Wait a minute.Wait a minute.
Danny, whereyou going?
I'm getting married tomorrow.I thought I'd call it a night.
The bachelor can'tcall it a night.
Only the best man can.
And I'm not calling ituntil we dosomething crazy.
Are you guyswith me on that?
ALL: Yeah!
But no boozeand no broads.
(ALL GROAN)
I got it!
It can't be illegal.
Oh.
I'm sorry, Danny.
(MEN SHOUTING)
Hey, check outthe old dudes.
They must beon something.
Negative.No impaired motor skills.
No dilated pupils.
No elevated breathing.
They're on a differentkind of high.
The hardest oneto get. Life.
(MEN LAUGHING)
Okay, guys, it's timeto do something crazy!
Something really crazy,
and what's crazier than...
Following a bunchof old guys
wherever the hellthey're going?
All right! (ALL CHEERING)
All right, let's go!
ALL: Polar bears! Charge!
(ALL CHEERING)
(SHIVERING)
It's degrees out,there's a bitter wind,
and we're jumpinginto Lake Michigan?
How ya feelin', Danny?
I feel like a man!
(ALL CHEERING)
How ya feelin',Danny?
(SHIVERING)I can't feel my legs.
Tell me he'sgonna be all right.
Just tell me he'sgonna be all right.
Got to get his corebody temperature back up.
Do it fast.
He's got to get marriedin the morning.
This was hisbachelor party.
Why didn't youjust get him loaded
and take himto a strip club?
Thank you!
Oh, come on, Danny,you got to pullthrough this for me.
Come on,you're getting married
in, like, minutes ago.
Is that you, Grandpa?
I picked all them appleslike you wanted.
Oh.
Hey, Danny, if youdon't pull through this,
would it be coolif I asked Laraine out?
Andy, what are youtalking about?
I'm lonely! I don't careif you're lonely!
You don't saythat to a manin a bed like that!
All right,all right!
Uh, can I talk to youfor a second?
Doc, come on.Talk to me straight here.
Your friend is fine.
His pulse, temperature,everything is normal.
JIM: But he's moaningand shiveringand totally out of it.
As far as I can tell,he's perfectly healthy.
But this guyhas the highestblood pressure
I've ever seenin any human being.
Danny's not sick?I don't get it.
Yeah, I do. (MOANING)
This specific problemis very common
with a man at thisstage in his life.
(GASPS) You thinkit's his prostate?
No.
No, he's scared.He's got cold feet.
He's totally scaredof getting married.
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
CHERYL: Hello?Guys, come on,everybody's waiting.
Ah, Danny.
Hey. Hey!
Hi, Cheryl.Hi, Dana.
Hi. So...
(SIGHS) What's up?
Nothing.We're just, you know,waiting for the groom
and watching the brideclean her p*stol.
Oh.
Jim! Where's Danny?The chapel's full!
Cheryl's a littleon edge.
She just gavethe flower girla time-out.
She has one job!
All right, all right,all right.
Just relax, Cheryl,all right?
You know, Danny'sgonna be out herein a few minutes.
He's just very particularabout the way he looks.
He's just trying to gethis bow tie perfect.
DANNY: k*ll me!k*ll me now!
I told himto wear a clip-on,but you know.
Oh, my God.
You did it,didn't you?
You mean fall in lovewith you? Yes, I did.
Gee, Cheryl,Jim's actingfar too natural
for anythingto be wrong.
You took him outlast night and got drunk.
Now he's in theresick as a dog!
There was absolutelyno alcohol or nudity.
Unless, of course,you include-year-old man boobs.
What?
(GROANS)
We went swimminglast night,
in Lake Michigan. (GASPS)
It was degreeslast night.
Tell me about it.My boys are stillhiding behind my lungs.
Jim, whatare you saying?
Is Danny too sickto get married?
No, he's faking it.He's got cold feet.
He's scaredto death!
Oh, this is typical.
Just anotherdumb man afraidto make a commitment.
You see, this is whyI'm still alone.
It's just not fair.I'm a size two!
You know what, Dana?Time-out. Go!
All right, Jim? What?
I've got a church fullof people out there
waiting to watchthem get married,
and many of themare armed.
Uh-huh.
So, what do youpropose I tell them?
Well, Cheryl,why don't youtell them the truth?
Why don't you tell themit's your fault?
What? Yes, becauseI listened to you.
Because I didn't give hima normal bachelor party.
If he hada bachelor party,
then we couldhave got him drunk,
he could have seena bunch of boobs,
he'd have woke upin the morning
mesmerizedand hung over, weak,
and I couldhave got himdown the aisle!
I spentthree and a half daysplanning this wedding!
Okay, okay,just calm down.I'll get him out.
I'll get him out.Keep 'em alivedown there.
Keep it going.
Mommy,Gracie tore her dress.
Oh, my...
What is thaton your face?
Is that wedding cake?
(SOFTLY) Uh-oh.
Is that... Oh, oh!You wait right there!
(p*rn MUSIC PLAYING ON TV)
This is beautiful.
A large man in a tuxsitting on a hotel room bed
next to a sick cop,watching p*rn.
Ironically, that's exactlyhow this movie started.
All right, look.
Hey, listen.
The doctor saidthat we have toturn Danny over
so he doesn'tget bedsores.
Okay, Danny,we're just gonnaturn you over
a little bit, okay?Here we go.
Thanks. (SCREAMS)
Get up! I'm sick!Sick, I tell you!
You're notsick at all.
The doctor saidyou were fine.
There's nothingwrong with you.
Andy, you go downstairsand tell them we'll bedown in minutes.
Right.
Hey, Jim,how long do youhave the room?
I sure would loveto get back up here
and finish Genital Hospital.
Go downstairs!
All right, pal,you got me.
Yeah,I got you good.
What's going onwith you?
You've got a beautiful womanand an entire SWAT teamwaiting down there for you.
Look, I've justbeen doing somethinking,
and maybe thisisn't the rightmove for me now.
What?
I'm just contemplatingwhat I might be giving up.
Giving up? Like what?What are you giving up?
Well, there are otherwomen out there, Jim.
After slinging perpsaround for years,
I'm in the bestphysical shapeof my life!
Oh, Danny!
You should seesome of the hottiesI pull over!
I'm only human!
Okay, honestly,Danny, honestly,
have you ever hooked upwith any one of them?
Not one.
But I know that as soonas I say, "I do,"
I'm gonna pull overa busload of Playmates
in a school zonedoing .
And where wouldthey be going,to boob school?
And what aboutmy nights on the town?
Danny, come on.You barely drink,
cigarette smokemakes you wheeze,
and the only timeyou're up after midnight
is to take a pee!
About four times.
Maybe I'm justscared, all right?
Well, sure, you'rescared, Danny.Sure, you are.
Come on, men are alwaysscared to get married.
It's not a natural thingfor men to get married.
It just isn't.
I mean, you know,it's the cave womenthat came up with that.
Because they didn'tknow how to startfires, you see?
That's the truth.
And then man createdthe wheel to get away.
What a ridiculous theory!
Oh, you think so, huh?
Because that'sexactly what you told me
on my wedding dayto get me down the aisle.
Of course, I hadhalf a bottle ofwhiskey in me,
and it mademore sense then.
Well, do youever regret it,getting married?
No, never.
It bugs me a lotof the time, but never.
Danny, you know what?I got to tell you,
I love being marriedto Cheryl.
I really do. I mean,she's created a life for me
that I wouldhave never had.
Danny, I didn'teven know it existed.
And you know what?
She lets me be me.
And no one'sever done that for me.
And, she is hot!
That Laraine is one hellof a public servant.
Yeah.
There you go.You're getting there.
All right. Yeah?
(CLEARS THROAT)I'm ready.
Are you?
It's about timeI start my new lifewith the woman I love.
Thank you, buddy. Aw, Danny.
You did it for me.
All right,let's do it!
Okay, wait a minute.
Are you sure you don'twant a little whiskey?
Let's check outthat minibar. Yeah.
Oh, yeah,look at that.
(SOFT MUSIC PLAYING)
I apologizefor the delay inapproaching the altar.
I encountereda possible signal on the way over.
A is an escapednon-domestic animal.
Well, thatwould be me.
A lone wolfwith cold paws.
I'm glad you made it,Officer Michalski.
I love you,Officer Elkin-Michalski.
Copy.
Dana, there'sa woman over theregiving me the eye.
Be a good sisterand break up with me.
All right,but this time you haveto yell, "No, baby, no,
"you were the best thingthat ever happened to me."
Deal.
It's over!
Hey, baby, I wasthe best thing thatever happened to you!
That's not the line!
Well, looks likethey broke up again.
(LAUGHS) Yeah.
They'll get itright eventually.
(GUESTS APPLAUDING)
Can we have the best manup here on stagefor the toast?
Excuse me, dear.
Yes. Hello.
Uh, you know, I couldprobably dazzle you
with one of mybrilliant toasts,
but I'm afraid you'llpull your g*ns out
and sh**t itthrough the ceiling
and then I won'tget my deposit back,
so, I'd like toinvite Mr. DannyMichalski up here
to sing a lovely songfor his new bride Laraine.
Andy, get up here.
Back, back, back,back, back.
Ready? Hit it.
(BLUES MUSIC PLAYING)
Come on, baby.