Okay, girls.
Thanks, Daddy.
Oh, yeah, sledding was fun, wasn't it?
Come on.
It was funny when you slid into the fence.
Yeah, well...
Braking is for sissies.
All right, take off your snow clothes.
Come here, Kyle. Let me take off your coat here.
Okay, girls, back to the park.
And as always, not a word to your mother.
(INAUDIBLE)
JIM: Oh, baby!
Hold on.
I got it.
There. Got it.
Thanks, Daddy! Awesome!
Yeah. That's why God gave Dad the big hands.
Apparently he gave them to you, too.
Hey, check it out! I got a watch!
(DOOR OPENING)
Hey.
Hey, Dana, what's going on?
Oh, nothing. I was just down at the unemployment office.
I like to get there early to b*at the losers.
You know, Dana, people who live in cardboard boxes
shouldn't be throwing stones.
(LAUGHING)
That's good.
No, go ahead, get it out of your system,
because that's over now.
"Why is it over, Dana?"
Oh, well, I'm glad you asked, no one.
While I was in line, I got a call on my cell phone,
and I got a job!
(EXCLAIMS) Oh, my God! Whoa!
Oh, our long national nightmare is over.
Congratulations, Dana. Okay, let's settle up.
Cheryl, if you would.
(GROANS) What?
Well, while you were unemployed,
you were partaking of our goods and services,
so now that you have a job,
I expect a reimbursement.
Ah, my ledger.
So, tell us about the job.
Well, you remember that interview I had a month ago?
It totally paid off.
You are looking at the new creative director
at Morris and Platt Advertising.
Oh, that is so great.
Wow. Is the money good?
Well, I don't want to put a number on it,
but let's just say it's more than you make.
How much more?
Well, not to put a number on it, but a lot.
Well, I think it's fantastic.
Thank you.
Yes, Dana, we are very proud of you.
Now, would you like to check over the bill
before I put it on your credit card?
A dollar for tap water?
Well, Cheryl had to wash the glass.
And it's not like you were drinking it in the dark.
Okay, let's keep the energy up.
Remember, you're on the Disney cruise ship
departing for tropical paradise.
Kitson, I just want to thank you again for this opportunity.
Yeah, Dana, you thanked me with the flowers,
the basket of muffins, and the Bulls tickets.
If you thank me anymore, I'm going to have to fire you.
Okay, so, what do you think of the mom?
Mm, yeah. You know, she's okay,
just not what I had in mind
for the Disney cruise line account.
Okay. So, um, could you give me an idea
of who you had in mind?
Well, it's hard to put into words,
but, uh, she's kind of a cross between Wonder Woman
and Kelly McGillis in Witness.
Yeah, sure, I can find that.
Dana. Dana.
Hey! Will you excuse me for a minute?
Oh, sure. Thanks.
Wow! Would you look at this place?
(GASPS)
It's so big.
You need hundred pancakes
to touch the ceiling.
Jim's teaching them measurements.
Mmm.
So, are you ready to go to lunch?
Ugh, I can't.
Vice President Whack Job over here just sent me
on a quest to find some Amish superhero.
What?
Dana, who is this?
Oh, um, Kitson, this is my sister Cheryl
and her kids Ruby and Gracie.
This is my boss. Oh.
Hi, Whack Job.
Oh, isn't... Isn't that cute?
She says that to everybody.
Okay, we're gonna get going.
Going? Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
You can't go anywhere.
No, you are perfect.
Why does everybody always say that?
I mean for the Disney cruise spot.
You are exactly what I've been looking for.
You... Pop!
Really?
Absolutely. I mean, look at them.
They're popping all over the place.
Pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop!
Darn right, pop.
So, you guys want to be in a commercial?
Yeah! Please, Mom!
No, no, no, no. No, no.
Keep in mind that my new boss here
would love it
on this, my first day of my new job.
You know, I don't know.
You know, we're not actors.
I was Dolley Madison in the Presidents' Day pageant.
Yes, you were, and what a night that was.
See? This just feels right to me.
What is the dad like?
He's handsome and funny and has big, big muscles.
Where's my dollar?
No, honey. Only Daddy pays for his compliments.
Well, he sounds fantastic.
Oh, Dana, make it happen.
Well, thank you, Cheryl.
You totally saved me.
Dana, I'm not going to do it.
But Kitson really wants it.
I need your help. You're my sister.
No, no. You're not gonna play the sister card.
No. Goodbye.
Come on, girls.
This isn't over.
I swear I will crush you!
You know, you were so much sweeter
when you were unemployed.
Well, hello, my young, beautiful wife.
Hello!
And the heir to my empire.
Andy,
don't you think Cheryl looks especially great today?
Oh, she sure does.
What's the word I'm looking for?
Luminous.
No, no, no. A real word.
Oh...
I don't know, Jim. What, what?
She just has, um, the magic.
Uh, would you say that she... Pops?
(GASPS)
By Jove, that's it!
She pops!
You've done it again, old chum!
♪ My lady pops, she pops, she pops, she pops
♪ My lady pops, my lady pops... ♪
Will you shut up?
Dana put you up to this, didn't she?
Yeah, she did, but now she realizes
she should have used chimps!
Look, Cheryl, I'm sorry about this afternoon.
You know, we both flew off the handle a little bit.
Hmm. I didn't fly off the handle.
Apology accepted.
Cheryl, Cheryl, come on, look at this.
If we do this, we get a free cruise in the Caribbean.
I mean, how great can that be?
Yeah, it won't even be like work.
No, no. They'll just film you
running around, having a good time.
Correction. A free good time,
which is better than a good time.
Yeah! And I already talked to Mom,
and since Kyle isn't in the ad,
she said that you could leave him with her for a week.
Yeah, yeah, and if he sees the pictures in the family photo album,
when he grows up,
we'll just tell him he wasn't born yet.
I... I just... I don't think it's a good idea.
(SIGHS)
Okay, okay, let me have a moment alone with my wife.
Hey, hey, while you're talking to her,
see if you can get her to go on the cruise.
Get out of here!
God knows that I don't ask for much.
Oh, I love how this is starting.
Oh, come on, Cheryl, this is an opportunity of a lifetime.
Jim, there's nothing I'd love more than going on a cruise...
Well, then let's do it!
Honey...
I'm not an actor. What if I screw up?
Then Dana will look bad. I mean, I'll look bad.
Okay. I know what this is about.
All right, don't worry.
I have enough talent for the both of us.
Come on, you've seen the family movies.
The camera loves me.
It's my big head.
Come on, the kids will love it,
we'll get out of the cold,
and your number one kid will love it, too...
Me!
(GROANS)
Come on, baby, let's go...
All right, all right, we'll go.
Oh, my God, you're so easy!
Ah!
(LAUGHING)
Okay, guys, she said yes!
We're going on a cruise.
ALL: We're going on a cruise!
We're going on a cruise!
We're going on a cruise!
Oh, oh, wait a second!
I heard a floorboard snap.
We're going on a cruise!
We're going on a cruise!
WOMAN: Welcome aboard the Disney Magic.
Kirk, Christa, Cindy and Gary,
from Albion, Pennsylvania, welcome aboard.
(APPLAUSE)
Welcome aboard the Disney Magic.
Jim, Cheryl, Ruby and Gracie,
from Chicago, Illinois, welcome aboard.
Oh, did you have to wear that?
Well, it is an official position,
and we are sailing into international waters.
Oh, honey. Look, girls! Look!
Hey, look, Mickey and Minnie.
Hi, Minnie! Hi, Mickey!
CHERYL: Hello! Hi!
Hey, Cheryl, look at this! Look at this!
Hey! Hey!
I'm king of the world!
Wow. It's quite a promotion from bikini inspector.
Hey, Mickey, Minnie, I'm king of the world!
Excuse me, sir. I'm king!
Sir, you need to come down.
Sir, you might be king, but it says, "Do not climb."
All right, all right, all right!
Have a magical day, sir.
Hey, how come they didn't say my name when I came on?
Andy, this is work for you.
I spent all this money on vacation clothes.
Vacation from what, liking girls?
Listen, you're here as my assistant.
On this cruise, your name is "Hey, you,"
and my name is "Yes, ma'am."
Whoa. You think I'm just gonna take your crap all week?
Well, it's either that,
or you get on the next plane back to Chicago
on your dime.
They're having a cold snap right now, you know?
Oh. I hate you.
I hate you what?
Ma'am.
Okay, guys. Hey!
First scene's not up for a couple hours,
but remember, when you're on camera,
there's no spitting, picking boogers,
or adjusting your underwear.
And, kids, same goes for you.
Well, Dana, you don't have to worry about me.
I didn't pack any underwear for this cruise.
I'm on vacation.
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)
KITSON: Well, you've really pulled this project together, Dana.
Good work.
Oh, well, listen, I couldn't have done it
without your guidance.
I mean, you're the rock. You're the foundation.
I mean, you're the one who's...
Dana, we're on this boat for a week.
Dial it back.
Dialing.
Uh, who's that next to Cheryl?
Oh, that's Jim. He's her husband.
Really? Mm-hmm.
Oh, no. No. No, no, no, no, no.
We need to get Cheryl a better husband.
I've been telling her that for years.
(LAUGHING)
Oh, my God. You're serious?
Well, I know what I like, Dana,
and Jim is not it.
He's got to go.
Listen, you hired me to oversee this project,
and that's what I'm trying to do.
You're going to have to trust me that Jim's going to work.
Okay, he's gone.
Girls, they have three pools, a water slide...
Look, you can get your picture taken with Mickey!
And there's a TV in our room!
And a ladder!
BOTH: Yay!
(TOILET FLUSHES)
Cheryl, vacuum toilets.
Every day, we get one step closer
to robot butlers.
Look, Daddy, a ladder!
Oh, yeah? Well, if you think that's cool,
you should go out on the veranda
and look at the chairs!
BOTH: Chairs!
Honey...
Thank you for talking me into this trip.
Oh, baby, you're welcome. Thank you.
Hey, I want you to know that you were really good today.
Oh.
No, in front of the camera, you were really good,
like Queen Latifah good.
Really! Oh, wow!
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
Ooh, someone at the door. Could it be Minnie?
Could it be Mickey?
It's Goofy.
Hey.
Hey, hey, how'd it go today?
Did we still pop?
Um, yeah, pretty much.
There's just one problem.
God, it was me, wasn't it? I was stiff.
I really felt stiff.
No, you were fine.
Gracie! What a ham.
I'll work with her.
Not her.
Ruby?
Actually, Jim, it was you.
What do you mean? I'm way better than Ruby!
I'm sorry. You're fired.
Fired?
Oh, my God!
I've never been fired in my life,
and I've done a lot of things really bad!
I'm... I'm sorry.
It's... My boss doesn't think
you go with the rest of the family.
Go?
Well, well, you know,
you can tell your boss we may not go together,
but we can damn sure leave together!
Attagirl!
No, no, you can't do that!
Oh, yeah? Watch me! If Jim's fired, I'm fired!
That's my woman!
Well, then you can kiss your free cruise goodbye!
Well, then we'll pay for the cruise, right, Jim?
Whoa, hold on.
Let me do the math.
She'll do it.
Wait. Wait.
Honey, she said we don't go together.
Ah, come on, name someone who says we do.
Come on, honey. The kids are having fun,
we're having fun.
What, do you want to flush a free vacation down the toilet
along with your lipstick?
You flushed my lipstick?
Well, it fell in.
Trust me, you didn't want it back.
(GROANS)
Come on, Cheryl, please?
I'm begging you as your sister.
I need your help.
You can't play the sister card again.
Fine, then I'll play the you-stole-my-boyfriend- in-th-grade-card.
You stole my boyfriend in th grade!
Why can't you let it go?
Please, Cheryl.
You're the one having the fairy tale life.
Throw Dana a bone.
Go on.
All right, we'll stay.
Oh, thank you.
You know, tomorrow we're sh**ting all day in Key West.
Are you gonna be okay?
I'm gonna be fine.
It'll be like opposite week.
You'll work all week, and I'll sit on my butt
hoping the floor will vacuum itself.
(INAUDIBLE)
Hey!
All right, so, in this next scene,
you and the girls are gonna be walking
down Greene Street, you know, laughing,
having a great time with your husband.
Okay, let's have fun!
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait! My husband?
Yeah. Um, look, I was gonna tell you this sooner,
but I didn't want you to freak out.
We've recast Jim's part with an actor from LA.
What? Yeah.
His name's Ted,
and, um, he's coming this way,
so please don't blow this for me.
Dana, come on!
Oh, come on! Sister card!
Crap!
Dana, hi. Look at this.
The happy husband and wife.
Let's step back and watch the magic happen.
Hi. I'm Ted.
I'm Cheryl.
Abracadabra!
Oh, Kitson, you are such a genius with casting.
Dana, I haven't had my coffee yet. (MOUTHS)
So...
Look, I know you haven't done this before,
so you're probably a little nervous,
especially since we have to kiss.
Kiss?
Yeah. Um, Kitson had this great idea.
On the last day of sh**ting,
we're on Disney's private island, Castaway Cay.
You guys are watching the sunset,
and you... You know, kiss.
Yeah, the whole piece builds to it,
and Kitson really wants it.
Okay, but, you know, I...
Look, I think I understand, Donna.
Dana.
Um, listen, I know it's weird kissing someone
you hardly know, so you just have to think of it as a job.
Like I had to kiss a monkey
in a Japanese luggage commercial,
and I assure you, I felt almost nothing.
Hey, Cheryl, Cheryl, check it out.
Hey! Yeah, I wanted to see Key West,
so I got myself a little hog for the day.
(HONKS HORN)
More like a little pig.
Hey. Hello.
Oh, oh, I'm sorry. Ted, this is my husband Jim,
and, Jim, this is Ted. He plays my husband.
Oh. Really?
Well, how about that?
MAN: Actors on set.
Got to run, Jim. It was nice meeting you.
Yeah, nice to meet me, too.
So, uh, husband, huh?
Yeah, honey, I didn't know. I just found out myself.
Well, it's... You know, it's cool.
Yeah, um, and, honey, there's one more thing.
Yeah? MAN: We need the wife!
You're the wife.
Go on, you're the wife. Go on.
Are you okay? Cool! Everything's cool!
Cool, cool, cool, cool. Okay. Okay, good.
I'm cool. (SNICKERS)
Okay, people, listen up.
We're sh**ting a commercial here.
You make noise, you answer to me,
the big man.
(WHISPERS INAUDIBLY)
Okay, they're sending the big man on a coffee run.
But I'm only making one trip,
so think about it now.
Andy, tell me, what's with this Ted guy?
Oh, my man Teddy?
Yeah, Teddy.
(LAUGHS) He's done some solid work.
Commercials, a few soaps.
Yeah, yeah, method trained. He's a real pro.
You got nothing to worry about.
What would I have to worry about, anyway?
You know, some guys get pretty uptight
standing around watching their wife
kiss a good-look...
Nothing.
Wait a minute. They're gonna kiss?
Well, yeah, but...
When did this happen?
I never heard Dana say anything about a kiss.
It's not real.
I don't care if it's real or not.
He can't kiss my wife.
It's a stage kiss, all right?
It doesn't matter if it's a stage kiss.
Oh, no, there was no kissing originally in this,
and I was married to her!
Their lips don't touch. What are you talking about?
When you kiss, you kiss. Two lips go together.
Observe. Observe what?
(MUFFLED SCREAMING)
(YELLS)
You all right?
Okay, air pipe is clear.
(FAKE LAUGHTER)
See?
See what?
Was that anything like a real kiss?
I don't care if we're , miles away from home,
that is not okay!
My point is, is it's completely impersonal.
She's not gonna enjoy a minute of it.
MAN: And action!
ANDY: Wow.
They really do make a handsome couple.
JIM: Next week, on According to Jim...
Look at that. Two kisses in one day.
Boy, you sure are giving them out freely, aren't you?
Oh, okay.
So, Jim, did you get a chance to take in the sights
while I was working
with our wife?
(CHERYL GIGGLES)
(SCREAMS)
Oh, my God!
I think it's broken!
Call me old-fashioned,
but I just don't want my wife kissing some other guy!
Cheryl! Whoa, whoa, whoa!