Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Where do you think you're going?
To the bathroom.
No, no, no, no.
Uh-uh.
I don't think so.
You live across the street now. Go use your own.
(LAUGHS) What's the big deal?
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
I'll tell you the big deal.
I'm having a few beers.
I want to keep it open for me.
Okay, you go first.
I don't have to go now.
So, then I'll go.
No, no, no, no!
No!
Because if you go in there and I think about you, then I'm gonna have to go.
You think about me when I'm in there?
Just go. Just go to your own house.
Try not to think about me when I'm gone.
Just get out of here!
Damn! I gotta go now!
JIM: Oh, baby!
Cheryl, get in here! I want you to see something!
CHERYL: Oh, for God's sake, would you just flush it?
Not that! Come here. Look at this.
(GASPS)
Oh, no. Gracie strikes again.
Yeah. What's going on?
Oh, creepy.
You know what? That is my nail polish.
God, Gracie must have taken it out of my purse.
Yo! What the hell is this?
I have to use the bushes, but you three
are having some sort of convention in here.
Oh, come on, Andy, get out of here.
CHERYL: Oh! I don't know what to do about Gracie.
She's not listening, she's talking back, and now she's bagging.
Tagging. Oh, right.
You know what?
I say we come down on her like an -wheeler
on a sleepy deer.
Right. Right. It's time to get tough.
Tonight, when I tuck her in, no song.
All right,
but if child services call, you talk to them.
Oh.
Cheryl, you know what?
We've tried your touchy-feely, sensitive crap.
Well, but, Jim, all the books say...
Cheryl, books are for idiots!
Your way is not working!
Well, it works on Ruby.
Well, she's the good kid.
Yeah. She really is.
You know, one time she apologized to me
for it being cloudy.
It's Gracie. You know, she's like me.
She's different. There's a darkness there.
Can I be honest?
If she weren't your kid, I wouldn't speak to her. What?
I say we take the gloves off.
She's not gonna get that Game Boy she wanted.
We make her clean the boogers off the mirror by herself.
And just to stick the Kn*fe in and twist it a little bit more,
while she's cleaning it off,
I'll eat cookies in front of her.
No, Jim.
We'll eat cookies in front of her.
Yes.
What do you think, Cheryl?
All right, all right. We'll try it your way.
We got to nip this thing in the bud.
You know, I want to be PTA President one day,
and this is just the kind of stuff they dig up.
All right, you get the nail polish remover,
and I'll get the cookies.
Ah, we're out of both.
Seriously, what do you do all day?
Ooh, can we drive through the car wash?
No, no, young lady.
No fun for you today.
You are still in booger trouble.
Daddy, I said I wouldn't do it again.
Yeah, well, that's what you said the last time,
and there's a new sheriff in town.
Ooh! Does he have a horse? I like horses.
Horses and dolphins.
Can I go see the magazines?
Yes, yes, yes.
But don't look at the pictures.
It'll give you an eating disorder.
All right, nail polish, nail polish. Let's see.
Nail polish remover.
What's with all the different colors?
I'm guessing orange takes off orange,
purple takes off purple.
Add it to the list of things I don't get about women.
This, vegetarian sandwiches, and crying when they're happy.
(LAUGHING) Yeah!
All right. Oh, my God.
Do you see what I see?
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold it right there!
Honey, you put that back right now! Put it back!
No, it's mine. The lady gave it to me.
What lady gave it to you?
The pink balloon lady.
The pink balloon lady?
Yeah, let me guess, sweetie.
She bounces around from pharmacy to pharmacy
handing out Crunchy Chunks.
Daddy!
No, no, not another word, young lady.
You are in real trouble now.
Now give me that. Come on. Spit it out in my hand.
All right, come on.
You see, Andy?
This is how a man raises children.
Strong, firm, and unwavering.
What do you do with the gunk in your hand?
I don't know. Cheryl usually has a wipe.
Ah, those vegetarian sandwiches are so good!
Mmm!
I know. I'm so happy I could cry.
(GROWLING)
Daddy's mean!
That's right, I am!
What's going on?
I caught your daughter stealing.
Oh, no.
Don't worry about it. I took care of it.
She's grounded for a month!
What did she steal?
Candy. From the pharmacy.
(SIGHS) Yeah, and get this.
She tells me that yesterday some woman
with a pink balloon gave it to her.
The pink balloon lady?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Come on.
How dumb does she think I am?
Dumb enough not to know
that your kids get their hair cut
at a place called the Pink Balloon.
Where they went yesterday and where they give out free candy.
Crunchy Chunks?
Crap!
What kind of kid doesn't eat a candy bar as soon as they get it?
All right.
Well, I guess we really screwed up this time.
We? We didn't do anything.
All right, let's not b*at ourselves up. You're right.
The grounding will just be a punishment
for all the things that she's gotten away with.
Like, uh, like breaking the lamp on the end table.
No, that was you proving you can still jump over the couch.
All right, well, how about the gum in the shower head?
Mmm-mmm. Still you, trying to create massage action.
What, am I on trial here? I didn't steal any candy.
Neither did Gracie,
and when she tried to tell you the truth, you didn't believe her.
You're right.
All right. I'll talk to her.
Good.
But you're coming with me. It was your idea.
What was my idea?
Having a family. I was happy with the two of us.
(INAUDIBLE)
Hey, girls.
Hey.
Hey, Rube, Mommy and Daddy
need to speak to Gracie alone.
Okay.
Here's my Crunchy Chunk, Daddy.
I don't want to get in trouble.
Doesn't anybody in this house
eat a candy bar when they get it?
(STAMMERING)
Go.
Come on.
Hey.
Hi, Gracie.
Grapes.
Gracie Gumdrops.
All right, I'll give you two bucks to talk to me.
What?
Look, um, about this, uh,
Crunchy Chunk situation...
I got some bad intelligence.
So, uh, this grounding thing is...
It's off. It's over. It's done.
I'm sorry.
And your mother's sorry.
Uh, and me too.
So, what do you say?
Apology not accepted.
What do you mean, apology's not accepted?
I just gave you two bucks!
Jim, technically, the money was for talking,
not for an apology.
Well, aren't we lucky you were here to catch that?
Gracie, sweetie, everybody, including parents,
make mistakes.
Now, Daddy made a mistake, and he's admitting it.
But he didn't believe me. That hurt my feelings.
Look, your mother said I was sorry,
and you're $ richer.
You know, I think that's a pretty good day
for a little girl like you.
And next time, Mommy and Daddy will believe you.
We promise.
What do you say?
Oh.
Aw. Thank you.
Does that mean I get my Game Boy now?
Well, I don't see why not. Uh, uh, uh, easy.
You don't want to give the keys to the kingdom away.
Right. Right. No Game Boy.
You know, you still wrote on that mirror.
That's right.
Although, you know, on the upside,
you did spell "boogers" right this time.
Okay, halftime.
What do you say we watch the second half at my place?
Nah.
Why not? It's just across the street.
I know what's gonna happen.
I'm gonna toss back a few beers,
I'm gonna have to go to the bathroom.
When I ask you if I can use your bathroom,
you're gonna say no, and I gotta come back here.
Oh, my God, Jim. I can't believe how petty you think I am.
(WHISPERING) Too soon! Too soon!
Hey, girls. How was the park?
I went all the way across the monkey bars and back.
Oh, good for you.
Yeah, and I tried to read a book
while she yelled, "Watch me! Watch me!
"Watch me! Watch me! Watch me!"
Oh, wow! You guys broke down
and bought Gracie a Game Boy, huh?
First game! Called it.
I didn't get her that.
Neither did I. Did you see something at the park?
Hey, unless I hear crying or stranger danger, I don't look up.
Cheryl, she stole it!
Oh!
No, she stole that Game Boy! Gracie, get down here!
(STAMMERING) Calm down, Jim.
You're getting that vein thing in your neck
like that time I smiled at the valet.
Cheryl, she wanted a video game,
we told her she couldn't have a video game,
and she comes home with a video game!
I did the same exact thing when I was a kid
except for it was a Batman lunchbox
and later on it was a Camaro.
Watch out for the gremlins! Use the magic sword! Way to go, Andy.
Okay, hey. Let me handle this.
I... I... I...
All right. Be strong. Okay, okay.
Be a rock! Okay! Okay!
Hi.
Hey, sweetie.
Can you tell Mommy and Daddy where you got that?
Uh, at the park.
Really? From who?
Um, my friend Annie.
Okay. Not okay!
Not okay at all.
You call that being a rock?
Well, I'm a nice rock.
Annie, huh?
I don't know any Annie.
You don't know any of my friends.
(SCOFFS) That is not true.
There's, um, glasses and, um...
Overbite.
And the one with the hot mom.
Hey, if you can throw yourself at a valet,
I can notice a nice tight pair of yoga pants.
All right, what's her last name?
I don't know, honey. I see her in carpool.
I smile at her once in a while.
That's all. Really. That's it. No!
What's Annie's last name?
Annie...
Where's she from?
Jupiter?
Jupiter? Wow, well, let me ask you.
Is she adjusting to the gravity all right?
Oh.
You believe me, don't you, Mommy?
You promised me you would.
That's right.
Mommy promised, so we have to believe you.
Thanks, Mommy. Here.
Thanks! Hey!
"We'll believe you next time, honey. We promise."
How could you say that to her?
I was trying to be a good parent,
thereby bringing her total to one.
Ah, come on.
Well, excuse me for trusting my own kid.
Honey, everybody knows that the road to hell is paved with trust.
You know, I want to write my own parenting book one day.
Guilty! End of story!
She got a Game Boy from an alien at the park.
What kind of story is that?
Are you sure you didn't see anything?
How many times do I have to tell you? I don't pay attention.
All right, you know what? That's it.
No more taking the kids to the park.
Oh, no, not that. Anything but that.
All right, Jim, you know what?
We have to be % sure she did it,
'cause if we punish her and it turns out she's innocent,
we're gonna lose any shred of credibility we have left as parents.
ANDY: She's right.
You need hard evidence.
You need a clean collar.
How?
She's not gonna talk.
Oh, not Gracie.
But I think there may be a little bird
in this family who may be willing to sing.
Ruby?
I-.
Bingo.
She won't even know we're grilling her.
She'll just think she's having a little ice cream
with her friendly aunt and uncle.
You know, I like it! We can play good cop, fat cop.
So, can I put some more sprinkles on there for you, Rube?
There you go.
Ooh, and chocolate syrup, too!
Not so fast, angel.
So, last night, I couldn't help notice
you hid your peas under your mashed potatoes.
I was hiding them from you. You steal food.
Hey, hey, hey! Andy, ease up, ease up!
She's just a kid.
Sorry about that, Rube.
Look, you tell us what we want to know,
and I make that whole pea thing go away.
(LAUGHS) Aunt Dana, you said "pee."
Well, well, well. We got ourselves a real comedian here.
Do you tap dance, too? 'Cause I'm really enjoying the show.
Now...
Where did Gracie get the video game?
(MIMICKING ANDY) Her friend Annie at the park.
Okay, so there is an Annie. Have you met her?
No. I was on the monkey bars.
Right! Monkey bars! Yes!
You know what I don't like about that story?
Everything!
Andy, Andy, Andy, walk away! Walk away!
Just walk away!
Oh, man.
Look, Rube, I know where you're coming from.
I mean, I have a sister, too.
Who?
Your mom.
And sometimes, you know, I tell on her
because it's good for her.
So help me to help you and tell us what you know.
Well... Yeah?
I know that nine times nine is .
CHERYL: What happened?
Kid won't cr*ck. She's made of stone. Stone, I tell ya.
Oh, and she needs help with her math.
What are we gonna do about Gracie?
The only thing a responsible parent can do.
Set her up and entrap her.
Hey, Gracie, come here.
So, is your friend Annie here?
Yeah.
Well, where is she?
I don't know. Around.
Around, huh?
Mmm-hmm.
Hmm. Uh, wait. Gracie, come here.
Here is a cupcake.
Your mom wants you to give it to Annie
to thank her for the Game Boy.
Okay. Okay.
Ah! Look at that.
The trap is set.
All right, if she eats the cupcake,
we know there is no Annie, she's lying, and we win.
That doesn't mean we win.
It means our daughter is a liar and a thief.
Why is the glass always half empty with you?
(SIGHS) (GASPS)
Oh, my God.
There is a darkness there.
Don't blame yourself, Cheryl.
It's my sick, twisted genes.
CHERYL: Wait a minute. Maybe that's Annie.
Come on, she ate the cupcake. She's lying.
Could we just give her the benefit of the doubt?
That is why we're spying on her.
All right, I'm gonna go.
What are you doing?
I've got a plan.
Don't let her see you.
Well, that's kind of the cornerstone of the plan, Cheryl,
but thanks.
Hey there. Can I help you?
Nope. I'm just spying.
Oh, no, no. Not on everyone.
Just that one little girl.
Come on, freak! Let's go!
What? Ow! Wait!
Okay, kid, hold it.
Safety inspector here.
Got some complaints.
That's a yogurt card.
(MOCKING BOY) That's a yogurt card.
Hey, I'm undercover. b*at it!
(GRUNTING)
How do babies do this?
(GRUNTING)
And I saw this dog with a cat on its back.
It was silly.
That's funny, Annie.
Can I have some of that cupcake?
No, it's mine! But thank you for the Game Boy.
It's okay. You're my friend, and I had two, anyway.
Want to go play on the monkey bars?
(GRUNTS)
So?
That was Annie.
(SIGHS)
But Gracie ate the cupcake.
She's only human.
But she didn't steal the Game Boy.
Wow. So after all this, Gracie's innocent.
Again. Yeah.
Yeah. Her alibi is as tight
as this tunnel around my ass!
I hate myself.
Man, are you guys bad parents.
Hey, how about a hand here?
Hey, how about a hand?
You stuck, inspector?
Yes. Yes, I am. Can you give me a hand?
Yeah, yeah. Bite me!
(GRUNTING)
Help!